That fire
I built it
I built it and I didn't even
Know
This ice palace I
Built it and
I didn't even realise
This tar that's draining me
It's me
It's all me

My heart's deepest core
Isn't empty
Like I thought it was
It was frozen
Now that it's thawing
It's starting to hurt again
Like it did five or
Six years ago
It's not empty but
Like frostbite my heart is
Trying to regain its proper self
Animalistic
Live
Call me by your vein
Your blood
Let it run unimpeded
Your heart needs to thaw
Before it can begin to
Thrive again

Why is it that we can continue
To look forward
When we can't even see what
Tomorrow looks like or
Who we will be with tomorrow
Or
Whether we lose everything
Tomorrow

I can't find myself putting in the strength
For that tomorrow
Let alone developing a me that'll
Find what I've always needed,
When I never found that my whole life...

What's the use of a tomorrow
If it doesn't equate to anything better
Than today...

You stand so brightly
In a world ever expansive
Holding yourself high with
What little strength
That tiny vessel holds

For you my flower
I would
Cut away the shadows
For you my radiance
I would
Surround you with light
For you my flower
I would
Make sure you are well nourished,
Content.
But for the fear that
I am building a prison around you,
I freeze.

So I let you feel
Winds of ice and,
Darkness prolonged and,
Undernourished soil
But...
But I make sure that,
Whatever you experience in this world...
Isn't​ anything more than you can handle.

Like the sugar I lick off the tips of my fingers
Like the moment before falling asleep
Like the loss of thirst after drinking water
Like the instant of realisation when I comprehend the truth...

All momentary
All relieving
Like an extended release of rhythmic legato notes...

Shadows are similar to light
Yet so different...

Empty space
Devoid of life
Bare no warmth
Provide no colour
Instead, a lack of visuality.

Shadows loom and recede.
Loom and recede.
Loom... and yet are motionless.

Shadows... they linger.
They leave marks.
Or rather,
They leave no visible marks.
They seep into our bodies
Being intemperate
They dissolve the warmth out of our bodies
Slowly slowly... so that it is almost ****** out.

Shadows...
What word best to describe it other than
Non-existent.

The conflict of new paths,
Keys,
And perspectives...
Is that they all lead to the foreign
Whether good or bad.
And more often than not,
Predicting the outcomes is impossible.

What if I'm striving in vain?
If I'm afraid of death and endings,
Then why can't I be afraid of pain?

Sans endless
When the ending is decided...

My Past and I
Walk hand in hand
Every day
That I come to stand,
Grip adjusting
From a gentle caress
To a tugging demand.

And in
Laying in molten tar
And stroking frozen walls
I forget that hand; to mar
My skin invisibly to the core.

I am yet to understand
The warmth of that hand
How to hold it and
Be gentle without reprimand-
For the crumbling
It causes and the
Constant fluctuating
Pushes and pulls
A lull-
Laying me down to sleep.

I'm comfortable
In the dimness of
My room
I'm warm
Under layers smooth
I'm relaxed
In the silence
Of solitude.

My room small and yet
Large enough
Slightly cramped and yet
Spacious enough
Almost a world away
Nothing urgent
And yet

It all comes crashing down as
I open the door
Let it all in
I don't want to
I know I'll have to
I'll want to
And yet
I don't.

I hate that
Every word you speak
Must be expected for everyone's ears.
They aren't.
They aren't.
So stop going around and twisting words
That you can't comprehend
Stop seeking out words
Who don't feel the same emotions as you.
Just stop.
Not everyone is going to feel the same.
Not everyone attaches the same meaning
To certain words, phrases and sentence structures.
Just stop.
If the sentence was meant for you,
Then the emotion and structure would be there
For you
And if it isn't...

I want to be treated gently
And yet valuably at the same time.
I want to be in your embrace
And yet sharing my hugs when you're not fine.
I'd give.... To build that value,
A value I cannot find...
For love is a construct
In a society that views construct as wine;
Bought, spent, intoxicating...
Not a feeling developed over time,
Not a feeling of mutual respect,
Not a feeling learning and value...

And I do want love,
But not in a society like mine...

I don't want in on this world.
You're already in it so there's no point thinking that way
I know
What is it that has you thinking this way?
The struggles of the world.
People needing to claim victory over others
The exponent of power dominance.
You live in this world
And that's why I want out.
... Love... Even that's a part of it huh
Yeah...

So, what...?
No choice but to continue moving, as you said.
Purpose?
Still working on that.
My position in the world?
Detaching...
You still need to take care of your part in this world
I know, though I don't fully understand how.
I know you got this, but take care
Yeah

This can't go on.
The confusion,
The anxiety,
The difference...
To my usual distance.

I've never felt warmth in my heart
Nor the fluttering of my stomach
Or my heart racing
Due to any person
And so...
These feelings that I have...
When my heart beats
And when my stomach flutters
Without that warmth that I expected
To feel...
I become more confused
And more agitated
Is this what I'm supposed to feel?
Or will the warmth develop
As our hearts unseal?

The confusion is killing me
As I step into the forbidden
And what lays beyond,
Will either become
Bare
Or forever hidden.

I feel the icy walls
Rising up around me
In my reach
And under my touch
I don't look up
I don't look out
I don't try to reach
Past the walls about.

And if I see
A sliver of the light
Tears blur my sight
And I collapse
As the walls come crashing down...

And if you catch
My soul by chance
I would crack
Into a million shards of ice;
My final barrier
And the end all...

Time passed,
And we are exposed to each other
Again
But this time
It's different.

The emptiness that fills me
No longer yearns for you
And as your artificial warmth fills me
I cannot but feel repulsed
And yet
I still stay close by.

Why do I expose myself to such suffering
If I can just leave you
And float away?
What makes you essential
To my survival,
To my support?
What value do you hold
If you burn my already empty soul
With confusion and
Chaos?

My soul is already tearing apart
And yet here you are
Setting my soul alight
As if I wasn't tired enough.

I'm spent
To this end, my life
I never meant
To this end, my eyes
Opened my soul's descent

And where the wind blows
You shall find me
And where the sea flows
You shall be drowned in me
And where life grows
You shall flourish through me
Beknownst to you
Or not
For I am everywhere

And in the darkness
As I ignore calls to warmth
I open my eyes
Closing in; my life's ascent

My clothes flow around me
As I sit down on wet ice
Gone is the cold
For the cold is what
I've blended into,
What I discovered was
Frozen with the words
Left unspoken
Swirling in my
Buzzing mind
I'd open my mouth
But I don't find it in me
To care to speak to anyone
For the warmth I saw has
Dwindled
And this cold I am sat in
I trust to remain frozen
Even if fragile
And the cold has always been a comfort
Always been the sink to my turmoil
So how much could it hurt to
Let the little warmth I once
Depended upon
Dissipate away

Maybe I'm assuming,
But if it does happen,
Before it happens,
I want to write of
How much I value you.

In your presence,
I do not smile.
I do not vie to keep
The conversation alive.
I do not mask my boundaries
And make sure to show you
My pain.

But in your presence,
I do not feel the need to force a smile.
I do not feel the need to vie to keep
The conversation alive.
I do not feel the need to mask my boundaries
And I am that little bit more comfortable
In showing you my pain
In comparison to everyone else.

We do not need to laugh
For me to value you as much as I do.
I value you for you.
For caring while you did
And just, for being you.

And if ever,
I can never not feel the need to
Force a smile,
Vie to keep the conversation alive,
And mask my boundaries,
Then that would be the point,
Where you and I
Would become lost.

And if I were to compile
All the feelings that I felt
All the pain that was dealt
The time that was spent
The thoughts that were bent
Broken
And made unkempt
Caused my life to run askew
Falling constantly
Slowly losing any rue
Left towards all that I loved...
The clear colours would lose their pure opacity
And wander until
All clarity was lost
In a void of darkness

After the rain's cold has faded,
Clouds still floating away,
I begin to witness
What blindening tumult
The rain had
Cast and strewn upon me...

Congealing on the surface of my
Glass petals; fresh and thick
Colourful drab paint
Coating the layers of my
Fragile inner self, and I
Could only leave it there
To protect me against weathering
Until I
Forgot it was there and I was drowning...
You can only hold your breath for so long

In the warmth of my bed,
In the cold of the rain filled clouds,
I sit in expectation,
Waiting for petals to replace my
Colourfully dripping glass
Again

Before waltzing together
To the melody of the
Blue moon
I danced alone.
Independent and yet feeling.
And then a gap developed
And grew
Large enough for
The space of two
And so I filled it with
The shine of
The Blue moon.

The Blue moon is my
Melody, love and solace
Whilst my body halts
To disallow the hole to
Grow larger.
To feel is to rip the hole
Wider.
And so feel,
I cannot.
The waltz was always
Mellow,
Almost melancholic;
And so it so easily
Unstrung - snapped.

Frozen over

The dance paused for
A few months.
Then the music began to play
So did the light
And I
Saw him
In the distance
Flitting in and out,
But remained
A dance partner.

While I swayed along with
The fluctuating notes
Others danced close by
And once I realised they'd left
And would not again
Dance close by
I shrunk back
Once again
Dancing alone

Frozen - crack.

And then he stepped back and
She came.
The water still dripping
Along her arms
We waltzed.
All too familiar
And yet she
Still withdrew
My hands unmoving,
Floating in the air
Where she would be.

And whilst neither left
Our synergy left me
And so my waltz -
In the rays that filter through
The cracks in the roof -
Is steady even when
The light flickers.

The gentle caress of your fingers
I won't forget
For your essence is still there
Even if only in
The Blue Moon

I sway
Like on a swing
On the brink of sleep
My mind carries me motionless
And when reality calls
It rips me out of my pendulum state
Elevates my heart rate
Claims my restfulness and
Clutches onto the thoughts that I can't seem to lay
And as I slowly pry each clawing finger
Gentle words soothing over
Voices reverberating
The two swirl
Unfurl
Turning to noise
Playing in the background
As I gradually fall back into a cradle
Rocking left to right
And right to left
On the brink
Asleep

There's always a depth to familiarity
That has the mind at it's
Beck and call
Just a scent and the mind is
Overwhelmed with history
Spinning
Spinning spinning
Release
A rush of emotions spill
In consistency with the nerve synapses
Connecting
Nostalgic or regretful,
Content or melancholy;
Always a constant reminder
Of the difference you can
Never return to.

The sorrow is eating me up
Choking me
'I need you...'
I whisper
To the emptiness
Of the place I've reserved
In my heart,
Eating at the warmth reserved
For the people that I even remotely value...

And if by some chance
My eyes were closed this whole time
And if severed the ties that I valued
Over illusions unreal -
No chance to redeem -
I'd have no reason to live
No reason to breathe.

Unsettled heart keeping me up at night
Emotions leaving me raw, overcome
What was once okay lost its security
Who am I and what have I become?

What sacrifices am I making and
Where will these sacrifices take me next?
I'm afraid that they won't understand
I'm afraid of the judgement they'll project

And so the words remain hidden inside.
Whilst people abide by what they should see
The words free to roam, wreak havoc on my mind.
And agree to expel what shouldn't be.

Never afraid of what would never happen
Until I saw what was not to be seen again

When I was finally able to say
Goodbye
I felt not the need to move my lips or
Move myself to
Utter the words..

Whether or not you are there
I feel not the need to check.
The last I saw,
You lifted your barriers
And that is all I need to know.

You are you
And in the time it took to realise
The permanent distance between us
"Goodbye"
And I would never see you again.

Shadows dance...
Until they stop.
And they continue
To frolic before
Darkness strikes and
Suddenly they disappear
One, two, three
Five...
I've lost count
Cascading
All at once,
Night falls and
Come dawn
Light shines on
The missing shadows...

On the back of my hand
My arm
Knee
I leave a kiss
Lingering
Free
Warmth spreading
Goosebumps rising
Mind settling
Floating
Grounding

My love
What more can I give you
What more can I show you
At the limit of my being
My love
What more can I fault you
What more can I demean you
Knowing the fault of my character
But struggling to fix it
My love
Love you so that
You love me
My love

I want to scream it out
The words that push and scrape at
The insides of my skin and heart
Let us out
But I shouldn't
I can't
They probably already look down on me
I shouldn't let their thoughts put me down
I can't
Let me out
I can't...

A choice is a capability
A small part of a person's
Best efforts to continue to survive
I can't But I can I won't be able to handle it
They don't share my thoughts and feelings

She holds my face between her hands
Tears threatening to fall
"I can't"
"I know" she whispers to my closed eyes
Stroking my cheekbones
Her hands' warmth stark against the
Cold darkness that surrounded us

Sitting by the lakeside
Legs dangling in its waters
Kicking lightly
As the cool night air
Settles under the skin
Mind wandering
Subconscious fluctuating.

Mind wandering
Subconscious fluctuating
Heart clenching
The waters suddenly thicken
Almost pulling
And yet it hasn't thickened
Still lapping beneath the knees
Heart uneasy
Thoughts attempting to solidify
Like ice at room temperature
Melting
Drowning out the voice of reason

Was there a voice of reason to begin with?

~ ~~
Keys tipping
Under my fingers
Notes resounding
Around me
Playing,
Laying
Layer over layer
Of tones
Emitting
And drawing forth
The sighs that
Do not escape my mouth
And instead trace back
Down my tensed throat
Along my collar bones
Arms
Twisting around my wrists
And zipping at my finger tips.
My mind knows
And so my fingers follow.

And yet my mind also knows
It's searching.
Not for something missing
But
For something that could be there.
And yet it continues to progress,
Fingers relaying,
Notes sounding,
Fading.
Continuously

~~ ~

In the distance
And yet
Flowing through every medium
Surrounding me,
A voice flows alongside
These notes,
These feelings.
A voice that enriches
And pairs with the notes
That continue
To resound around me

Dragged and drawn...
Out
Tired and resisting sleep
Eyes barely open,
Mind barely present

A cage is not a cage because of its bars
Or the space that it provides
Or the bed that it allows
A cage is a cage because it
Turns life pointless
Holds life in its claws and
Never lands
Falling with no end
Screaming in a vacuum
Unheard
Shackled to a life that disregards
Your life

Breathing never felt as it used to

Planets in their orbit
Each with their own moons
The pull of gravity
Guiding us
But we are in different
Galaxies
No force acting between
Me and you

And I've seen plenty of moons
Stars and galaxies
Pass me by
Pull on my path
And then leave me
And whether they leave
Space junk, darkness or
Pull me out of my orbit
It all leads to the same thing
Me losing something that was
Once familiar.

And yet to orbit,
Two bodies must have mass
And each time, I fell into their pace
Willingly.
A force requires two and yet
I...

I don't want to go back to
The familiar which left me
Not for what I have lost but
Rather what I could not find

I do still wonder whether
My weight is not enough
While I try to calculate
What forces work for
Me
And yet I also wonder
If there is a force
That will
Not crash, share light and
Balance the space-time dimensions
That surround me

Going through the motions
Holding your peace at hand
Until I passed down by you
And you chose to take a stand
Enraged at my choices
Your words came tumbling like sand
Chasing me up
Until you were assured command
But surprise surprise
Your words' intended target rebound
And I, in my subconscious' control, withstand
Words leaving my mouth
Unplanned
Stranger ignored to
Stranger unmanned
Unable to raise your gaze to where
Your ego cannot expand
You leave
And I take in the situation so I don't misunderstand
It was not my actions but
The way I was dressed that had me ******
Cursed, directed animosity at
But you reached me at a point at which
I don't care - and
Looking at you I question why you
Forgot to look at the mirror; tanned Complexion making you and me
No different
And yet you choose self-hatred
And I won't be weaker.
Choose your own battles
For I fight mine quicker.
Won't find me fallen
Because I set the pace with vigor.
Too many a times I've faced your kind;
You're not the first and
You're not the last,
Going through your lot
Will eventually become like
Breathing air.
Choose your battles
If you dare.

This is not what I want to feel
Not what I want at all,
Not when my heart beats softly
Asking for a little warmth.

I stand facing my reflection
Gaze acting as a barrier
I would reach forward to reach you
But I hesitate lest you withdraw from my touch
My heart clenched and my eyes hold back
And if I could comfort you, if the warmth of my heart could reach you
We would be one
And yet whisps and words trace their fingers along my mind
Humming a tune my mind and heart fall into step with uneasily
And she strokes my face to will my heart and mind out of the tune
But the tune is continuous, seeded and unwavering

Today,
Let me feel hatred
For those who have it better than me
Let me feel pain
In those moments that mean little than small mishaps
Let me feel overwhelmed
By the repetition of acts that go against my boundaries
Let me overflow
With words unspoken, slipped into
sweet frustration
Let me imagine
What I do not have,
What I cannot have
And have it in a way that is
Self-satisfactory
Let me withdraw
Tell myself I feel better
Only to feel the finger tips of bitter grace roiling its way
Into my vision again

Let me
Let me be free

What am I doing with my life?
Experiencing new things
Branching out with every new avenue
Where am I taking myself?
Goals vaguely planned
Struggling to understand how roots meet soil
Why?

Why... A question that troubled me so
A few years ago
Questioning life and all that comes in tow
These thoughts deeply sown
In my mind
Unearthed and
I understand
My constant sense of
Being out of place
But living anyway

And I'll take on life with every step
Breathe in and out the air surrounding me
Sky above me
Earth below me
And God surrounding me
And I'll keep on living

Buzzing energy fills me
My nerves high-strung
Silence silence silence
Almost as if
I've been shunned
I take breaths
But that buzzing energy remains
My heart has withstood more
So I take time til this feeling drains
My heart subdued in a cage
So I hold it gently
Until it's peace it regains
Slowly, yet surely
I'll hold me if that's all I have
Slowly, yet surely

The wind sweeps away all
Sweeps away sadness
Sweeps away pain
Leaves traces remnant in its wake
Cools over surfaces and skin
Cleanses

Where what once simply was
Becomes unreachable unless by
Force
Come here, my love
The wind has left its trail
A trail I cannot fathom
And so I let the wind cleanse
Cleanse
Soak through the layers of my heart
And leave a trail of remembrance
And nostalgia...

Bitter is the trail no more,
Just what once was
And what can no longer be

Red leaves on vines
Curling waves peaking high
Mountain cliff crevasse seemingly
Bottomless
Crack

    Gentle sway against the air
   Falling rolling into itself
  End unknown
The fall seemingly
Uninterrupted
Darkness

Grasp grasp onto the tree
Roll roll into the sea
  Gape gape around the emptiness
   Keep keep your mind at ease
    Sleep

Stay awake stay awake
'What else should I do?'
Stay awake stay awake
Take a picture of the view

Don't fall asleep

It all makes sense
Sense that I knew but
Never really delved into
My staying up at night
My hollow heart
And my lonesome
It all makes sense
Almost as if to rub it in my face
And maybe its too much
The way it all fits together
The way it makes me me
The way I know I don't want it but I can't find it in me to care
And I'm sat latching onto the little warmth I feel in this cold
It was supposed to be warm, but what is supposed to be?
And it hurts that the more realisations I have, the more I realise that maybe
There are things in the world that
I can never have
I would want want want, but I wouldn't find it within me
What am I supposed to be
To do





I'm trying but what point is there in trying if the end result is the same

I'll tell you
The story of the circle
Stuck in its path
Slowly turning
Moving forward and yet
Slowly turns back
And although the circle
Tries to pull
Away from its path
The curve is set,
The beginning is its end
Nothing changes;
Not it's knowledge,
It's perspective
Or prosperity.
Full circle,
No beginning
No end.

And just like the escalation of pleasure
The release of pain works based on a dual model
As I enter my only semblance of safety
The model comes into effect
I come to learn more about myself
About the way I thought I felt so much cold already
When really subconsciously there was so much more
Almost as if the insults I'd received as a teenager about being too sensitive were close to baseless
That is, compared to the emotions that swam inside me, away from the hawk-like eyes of humanity
Even if the more I learn about everything makes me more tangible
Everything becomes more intangible
And I struggle to hold on
Because even my insides seem to want to claw out
Even in the one place that has little safety
And I would open my mouth to call for more safety
But when I try to I lose my sense of safety
When I try to, anything that comes out of my mouth is displaced from me
As if my body knows that its no longer safe existing in the body that is calling for help
And I'm stuck clawing back for my body but even when my mouth shuts
My body feels hazy
My mind buzzing
And my breathing unfamiliar
My stomach unsettled
Even if I hug my pillow when I feel at a low
Its not enough
My organs clench uncomfortably
And I want to feel comfort so badly
But my subconscious is like swimming to the bottom of an ocean without oxygen
And I'm left on my own like I have all the other times that have passed, the only thing I gain is experience
And I try to gain more awareness of my surroundings but its all so cold
That I can only be numb even to my own self
I can only hear the roar of brown noise even if my heart is beating so strongly inside me

The more I pass through life, the more I learn about duality
Like developing realisations that I can reach for so much, and yet understanding more and more that I might not be able reach much at all

Your gaze on mine
In this cool air
Your hand outstretched
In this blue night
My feet take me forward
There is no going back
My subconscious merges with my conscious
My desires swim in reality
A tune is playing and
My name is called
I cannot deny this one last request

Flames hungrily licking
Feeding
Off of twisted ornaments
Creations
Objects
Furniture
All of that which I'd bought from you
Paid every coin
Desired with heart and mind
Gone
Burnt to ashes
Nothing left in this room
But grey ash and my hardened eyes
There's no space left in my room
All is burnt, the cremated contents to be removed
The me of then to be removed
All that remains, glaring into my soul
Is the warning of my past
Passing on the message through her eyes

Even if she was none the wiser
Even if she shone brighter than ever
Even if her warmth contrasts her intent
I see her and she sees me
Words passed through soul,
Soul still living,
And there is only one soul that I know
Only one soul that keeps pulling me forward
Even if by nothing but the breath that passes my lips;
No thread for my fingers to grasp onto-
Fiery eyes
For the fire has died
But my gaze passes its heat into the soles of my feet,
Guiding me as I live on

It's a new world.
That moment you resurface
To catch a breath.
Large and dragging
Loud
Water spills away from skin
And the sky never looked the way it does now.
What was I doing underwater?
And what am I doing here,
At the surface?
And the water just encases me
Almost as if I belong in it
And yet I don't.
The water feels so right that
Just like the way it holds me,
My body, mind and heart yearn in return
And the water accepts my tears in a way
That says my tears are part of this ocean

And yet I'm at the surface
And I see the sky that looks so foreign
And the clouds that I can barely register roll by
And the sun that shines its warmth on me
Contrasting the water that returns to the ocean
And I don't want those droplets leaving me
But choices continue to be made and the ocean I swim in isn't mine
Shouldn't be mine
And yet here I am
Questioning what makes a swimmer swim
And whether the ocean reciprocates the desire the swimmer holds for each arm turned in its embrace,
Each leg kicked in an effort to keep up with the enormity of the ocean.

Sometimes paint brushes feel like
They belong in my hand,
Paint ready to be laid
A story ready to be lain
Strewn across canvas
Air
Skin
The night sky that shine down on me
And the world that continues around me
A me conflicted between this world and a world that doesn't exist
And so my mind supplies
And it sees the paint on bristles
Holding words that'll echo a world that cannot exist outside my mind.

We are the children of tradition
In an untraditional society
We are the children of progression
In an unprogressing society
We are the children of peace
In an unpeaceful society
Meshing together these inconsistencies
As human nature
And as differences irreconcilable
Like ripping stitches out of a deep wound
And those hurt from the stitches ripped not considered
Just the remaining wound sitting in the middle of two parts of skin
And we keep it that way
Say the wound can be covered with a band aid
Unhealing
Coveted
Yet a chosen problem to remain
Both skin one and the same
Wound hurting
Deep and unhealthy
Yet both sides claim they are healing from
The deep hurt at bay
Unseeing of the weeping sway
That stops and dries, for birthing in these conditions can only exhaust and fray
Ply out the mercy sowed into each and every cell
Yet we are still
All skin and clay
From one and the same

If only these wounds never came to be

Like a drop of water
Rolling off a petal,
I'll treat you like a flower
Resisting the rain that never settles

I'm in my peaceful place
In the comfort of my me
Breathing the air that
God gave me

How am I to help
When suddenly
Slice
Your words cut so effortlessly

And I was lost
By your continual sway
The way you continue
To barrage on me

Loud and echoing
I can't seem to shut you out
You're supposed to nourish me
But yet the only time I feel you
Is when you push me towards death



It continues to rain on
And so I close my eyes to breathe
I'll let your words roll off me
As I listen to my own heart beat

Burning candle snuffed
Smoke trail rising
Wick's heat dissipating
Wax cooling slowly
Solidifying the candle again
No sparks
No flames
No heat
Just candle
Just wax
Just wick
Except
The wick is burnt
Shorter than it used to be
The wax's mass decreased
Transformed and floating away
The heat travelling elsewhere
Away from the candle's reach

Flames light
Flames flicker
Flames fade out
Flames swirl with energy
Candles don't