On my bed of rocks I lay
Under a roof
Surrounded by walls
I've made myself comfortable
In where I lay
Under covers that warm my body
I live
I breathe
I feel safe
I don't

Awake at night
Under the cover of night
In the warmth of my blankets
And whether I wish to see the moon
"What for?"
It's difficult to leave the warmth
Of the blankets that night after night
Provide me with what my body needs
With what my soul needs
And what it doesn't need

Surrounded by the silent static of my room
Encased in residual superpositioning noise
Wasting away in the lull of audio that is
Always there,
Draining away,
******* at your will to reach forward
Slowing you down...
The silence that I need at night
The comfort of it as it guides me to sleep
Intoxicating

I close my eyes to sleep
In the
Safety of my home
In
My bed
Under a roof
Surrounded by walls
I think to smile
But it doesn't feel pleasurable
Just painful

No conversations to be overheard
The irregular ticking of the character keys on a laptop
Carrying through the carriage
The sound of metal water bottles opening
The warmth... In this usually cool atmosphere
Is almost all encompassing

Whispers...

Whispers of danger
Creeping closer
Slowly...
Chaotically...
And one by one
A sneeze
A request to be excused
The escaping vibrating pitches from earphones
The instinct to protect oneself
Almost overwhelming
Instead
Conversations dim
And thoughts halter
The body preparing itself...
Or maybe it's just me

My highest point
Hanging
Abyss below me
Fence fraying above me
And what I'd do to see it hold
When all I can see is the nails
Come loose

The ground I once stood on
Always shook
For me who thought that the
Sides of the fence were not meant
To be joined
And I who came to stand on it
My zenith
Before the floor stopped shaking
And fell away completely

Balance
Only a necessity for those who
Choose an in-between
Time will always run out
Quicker for those
Who try to hold onto
The flimsy fence that separates
Green grass
From even more green grass
One side gone yellow to the other
And one side uprooted to the other

And the fence
That always stood as wood
Aging in splinters and mold
Is still wood
Until it comes free
It is then scraps
For whichever side chooses
What use it is fit for
Because sticks and stones
Will break bones
But sticks cannot repair
Broken strands of bark
Where blades of grass can mend
In the sun

And the fence that sat there
Performed it's duty
Unstable on stable ground
Stability withdrawn smoothly
Cut when not on grounds
Comes loose

Hanging
Fingers locked in place

Cavities
Rot in teeth?
Not the hole that was
Eventually going to form anyways
Rotting
Life slowly decays?
Or was it that life slowly
Fades out in a way that isn't fully understood
Life
Ending?
What's in it but
Illusions basing our Perceptions
Life...
A choice?
Life
Away
Life
Cold and warm
Life
Values recycling until
Hurt becomes day- to- day

Sitting restlessly still
Idly passing time
All these circles I've walked
All these days cycling by
To keep a front of peace
I've constructed all these lies
And if I reach out
To touch a wall
It'd shatter
Who am I lying to
Telling myself
I'm frozen to the core

Each weak breath I breathe, although not warm
Holds the life left within me
Escaping my mouth
The misty vapour condensing
Tracks down the frozen walls and
Drawing my gaze
Freezing once more
And if I touch these frozen droplets
That lie on these walls surrounding me
They'd melt and freeze again
Too used to this cycle of
Lifting walls around me again

Walking in circles
I see where I've lied
What I've chosen as home
And
What I've chosen as life
I've lied to myself
And my eyes continuously search for that which
I deny myself

And the temperature of these walls I understand the most
And the temperature of these walls are what hold me close
Hold me together
All other ways and choices of life lost on me

And I realise
I realise all these lies that I latch onto
Held tightly in my hands
What my arteries and veins pulse for
Upholding a universe under my skin
The desires etched into every strand of DNA
Fading from within
Desiring a warmth out of reach
A warmth never felt

I only want wings when the winds are strong
I only feel cold when the turmoil in my mind and heart are overwhelming
I only lay in the non-newtonian black substance so that I don't have to
Deal with everything
I'm sick of these beliefs that remain rooted in my mind
So deeply rooted they've upheaved whatever parts that used to rest in my heart,
Wasted away any comfort my heart had left in it

And maybe I'd want wings to see the skies
And feel the cold because I genuinely miss it's sensation
And lay in non-newtonian substances to explore the feeling of it
But I question where the drive of my curiousity left to;
If it had escaped before it was forcibly ripped from my heart or
If it decayed and it's rot continues to fester in my heart

These feelings of mine I want to respect...
How do you respect the body you only know how to leave

"What's wrong?" I'm asked
A question, sincere
Laced with generational insincerity
A question, almost social
Tears threatening to leak
Concern laying however, with the following insincerity
Secrets unspoken, bitten tongue
One two three, the colours I see
Grey silver green
Stepping back in my spot unmoving
The question is more than a question
And words casual can mean more than first glance
Head turned away and gaze following
Stares unshared

As if I'll ever choose
To voice the letters scribed into the contours of my tongue
When any following response
Will only deepen the dents I have scribed
The contours that cause my speech to turn awry
And my vision to return to basic observation
One two three

I hate that
In the departure of
My sorrow
My last words are
Thank you
That my end
Is in sorrow
And that sorrow
Is what brings my thank you
Why?
Why can't it be happiness
Why can't I smile while
Saying thank you
Without the tears of pain
Why can't I remove the layers
That have been painted over me
Layer over layer
Settling and drying
Sitting
Layering again
Obstructing my inner depths
My empty open untainted
Curiosity
Appreciation
...

There's always another day
Another rising sun
Breath in
Breath out
Life keeps going on

And the wounds that keep reopening
On my back
Grow throughout the day
And bleed into the night
It's me who has to bend
Into impossible positions to sow it back up
It's me who's left with scars out of sight
Draining me to the last bits of my energy
And yet I can't sleep
Breathe in
Breathe out
Silence is the most peaceful bout
Until you look deeper in
The turmoil swims throughout

I want my wounds to heal
Want my skin to gleam
Want my bones to reconnect
With the wings they never met
Please let me meet you
Let me meet you outside this cage that's supposed to be a comfort

Smile for the you that exists
Smile for the you that smiles
Smile for the life that you live
Smile for the warmth that you share
Smile for your heart
Smile
There isn't a smile that matters if it isn't yours
Your happiness matters
Your wholeness matters
Smile
No one can take that away from you

It's easy for oppressed groups to oppress
All they could learn from their oppressors
Victims slowly disappearing
In the wake of weaponised victimisation
And in its beauty deep crevices
Hiding cracks that leak the blood that
Allows for its power
These cracks filled with
Those caught in the hold
Of the weapon wielders
And the cracks were never smoothed,
Never shaped to be merciful
Just accepting enough that
The crevices are filled to hold onto power
And there is no power without
All that holds the oppressed in place of power
And hidden away are those who suffer their wrath
Wanting freedom
Yet not wanting the freedom at hand
For one freedom hurts to their death
And another takes their last breath unreached

Body submerged
Black ink swirls into clear water
For every inhale
The world recedes slowly
A price paid
Purchased unknowingly
Used unthinkingly
Moments of awareness
Feel unaware
Movements sluggish
I'm tired
More than not wanting to live
More so not knowing what living means
What living feels like
The air that I inhaled
Feels unsatisfying
The need for more becomes
A question of worth

And as time flows on
Like sand falling through my fingers
My skin lines with wrinkles
And your path lingers
Turns away
Our growing shadows hinder
Hold onto our shoulders
Until they pull us down among the cinder
Soil holds us up until it holds us down
And your feet are still here
Stood next to me
But with each breath
With each blink of the eye
We yearn for more than
What's been placed in our hands
And as it all fades away
Returns back to land
I lie in wake
Of what's at hand
I'm still here
How long will you be?

Your arms around me
Your hands
Your smile
Kiss to my forehead
Nothing I yearn for like your warmth
Your warmth is what I seek

Our fingers intertwining
Your forehead leaning against my cheek
As we waltz together
Your body is what my arms yearn for
Just like how your arms always encircle me

I want you
And I'm so happy to have you
Thankful to God to have you
And I'll continue to thank God
We are each others

No one else's love brings forth greater emotions for me than yours

White noise
Brown noise
Pink
Grey
Absorbing my voice
My soul
Ringing
Heart beating
Fridge whirring
Train tracks humming
Bed sheets warming my legs beneath me
Squishy pillow overheating me
Lights on
Lights on

And some strings feel more beautiful
Under a night sky
Just like some strings feel more beautiful
Reflecting the sun's rays
So that when the sun passes through the sky
And the earth continues on its path
The string loses its beauty
And it is still beautiful
But to the passing of time,
And under a different light
The string almost dances a different tune,
Even if really, a string never changes when untouched.
And if the time has passed
And beauty fades away
Should one part ways
With a string that once shone warm and peaceful

Rock the boat,
  I'm fine
Little waves won't hurt me.

Rock the boat
    I'm fine;
What are a few more,
  I can handle it.

Rock the boat
       I'm fine
   I'm fine...
I can handle it

Rocking
    rocking
   rocking
         rocking
      To and fro
                Overflow-
                      Underwater,­ can't breathe--
               Overhauled, overstretched
             Inhale
          Deep breath
I'm fine...

Strings interwoven
Surrounding me
Spacious yet brushing
Against my torso and thighs
Suspended on spun strands years old
I can only
Gently glide my finger tips
Along strings floating by
I cannot hate
Only hurt
An unconditional detachment towards
The way they surround me
I am careful not to cut the intricate plaits, even if I have subconsciously done and continue to do so
For a cut in the lines that hold together
My reality are delicate,
Best understood when each small length is given its value and attention
But I worry;
If my world is strung
Then a lifetime may not be enough
To untwist each weave
To its barest of selfs
And then twist together
A new piece that surrounds me
Warmly and peacefully

Oh vulnerable me
Shy me
Child within me
I see your desire to be free
Shackled in a far corner I can't seem to see
Showing yourself to those who you like
To those with whom you wish to be
To have a security I can't seem to offer you
A nourishing for which you flee
Starved of the love I do not let you have
Forcing you into a position in which you cannot feel
And maybe,
If I'd let you have that love
You could be
The person you yearn for
But we both know
That's not an option for you and me
And so I lay in my arms,
Silence, my only plea

"If you weren't, you wouldn't be
Our friend."
Blinking
Friend
Silence...
I don't have a response
And maybe that was said
For the lack of a better statement
But I'm not sure if
That sits well with me.

Life is an acquaintance
And everyone lives their own
Truths.
Whether living in isolation or
Going about life
I rarely see you anyways
Barely know you anyways;
That is my truth.

And even if I knew you,
As long as I continue to live
In this ice palace
In this intemperate tar
You're either too far
Or displaced.
I find it hard to feel if
There is an in-between.

And if I still can't seem to
Feel an in-between,
Still feel a hollowness in my
Heart's core
What then?

Without a second glance,
Every step pops.
The rationale of my brain,
Every day hops,
Between the steps that I take,
Drops cling to me,
Before they evaporate.

As the steam of those drops evaporate,
I gaze up at them til they are no more,
No longer in my field of vision.
Pop
Foot down, gaze down;
At the floor beneath my foot.
My mind stops,
Waiting,
For drops that'll settle on my arm once again.

"Whatever tickles your pickles"
"Whatever helps you sleep at night"
Words that dance with the
Clenching of my heart as I choose my actions
Engage to disengage
And yet each hover of my finger,
Each moment spent amongst the heavy swirling in my heart and stomach;
Thoughts clinging to what can't be
Hoping
Thoughts cutting deeper to sever what I can never have

This time instead breathe in
As my finger hovers, that is all that happens
If it was meant to be it would be
They are not what matters in the moment,
Not more than you

Limit my interactions
Think before I speak
What purpose comes in order
Will the words that escape my mouth
Hurt me more
Or will they take me to a more peaceful place
I know the dance
I know the steps
My body feels them ingrained
And so maybe this time
I'll take a moment to think
Pause
Before my body moves along
With the tune being played
Pause
Before I step on broken glass
Because I forsook shoes
In a room that I took as familiar
Pause
Pause
Why does this keep happening

You've chosen your path
Oh tyrant
Chosen your path
Oh tyrant
Chosen to birth children into this world
Oh tyrant
Chosen to forsake your responsibilities
Oh tyrant
Your choice
Your choice
Your choice
Only your voice
No other
Can speak
Oh tyrant
Soothsayer not, to those who need it most
Soothsayer to your ego
For whom you crafted a home around you
Oh tyrant
To what benefit do you live?
Dallying in exhaustion
To what effort do you owe?
Oh tyrant
Who can do no wrong
See no wrong
Hear no wrong
Know no wrong...
You are perfect...




Unbirth me

The hurt will never die
Rather, just temporarily put off
Whether forgotten
Or numbed,
And in the presence
Of remembrance
And vulnerability
How could one's entity
Fathom experiencing anything
But heart ache
As vivid as yesterday,
Last month
Last year
A lifetimes worth of
Sorrow,
Betrayal,
Hurt and
Withdrawal...
How could one's soul
Forget the pain?

White eagle
bird
vertebrae
sitting on my knee
the only colour
in the circle protruding
around its iris
Eyes intense
Claw certain
Clasping its target
Gaze not on me
My gaze not on it
But a shared attention
In presence

The call of the white bird
Is silent, beak
Never opening
All in the light
Passing between pupils
Shaping the energy
In the surrounding
atmosphere
Gaze not on me
Gaze not on me

Who is it on then?

The same experience
Does not feel the same
With different people.
Being back-stabbed by
Someone who doesn't know you
As compared to someone who should
Feels light, easily forgettable
Whilst the latter feels remains with you
Festers in the shadows of your day
And steadily grows until the shadows envelop you.
Why would they make such a decision
When they know how it would feel to receive a knife so deep?
Why do they treat me so strangely, so abhorrent,
Like shadows dancing around a flame,
Like they can live life with no blame
Rules they abide by filled with no shame
And yet I am to blame
I carry the shame
Like it is in my name
And what fault should they hold when the knife they once held
Has already maimed
Scarred, stained
And yet I am not allowed to blame
Point fingers
Not allowed to speak
When their words hold my fate
And so I am silenced
In the same vein their oppressors oppress  them
Why should I see this when they cannot?

Take my breath
Take my soul
Take my eyes
Take me whole
Pull me apart
Rip me to shreds
Set me alight
Cut every connecting thread

Lift my body
Stretch it thin
Snap my core
You know no sin
The darkness festers
In my growing shade
It's cold, intoxicating
It's heat overbearingly immeasurable

Cleave me apart
At the moments night
Cleave me together
At the rising sun,
The night already sneered
At my restless soul
"Sleep in the day",
It whispered into my ear,
As I lowered my head.

The darkness festered too long
In the shade
And had already
Poisoned me by day.

You're on my mind
You're on my mind
Taking my time
And draining my sight
What I would do to forget you
And move on
Past your indifference to my plight

And I'll never forgive you
For what you've caused
Because I don't believe you'll ever
Come to care
And I'll never forgive you
Because look at you continuing on your way
Leaving me to my disrepair

My eyes are left distantly staring
You aren't who you claim yourself to be
Oh how I wish you'd be rid from my life
Oh how you tarnish my memory

And I should have seen it coming,
Your mother of the same tongue;
How she would have whispered throughout your upbringing,
How she would raise you to be a spineless snake
Oh how I wish you shut your mouth
Rid the world of your poison
- and you had a chance,  you had a chance
Had the chance to open your mouth,
Why couldn't you save me the heartache
And leave me with a sane memory of the youth I had

Twisted traitorous tormentful tactless two-face
Oh how I wish you'd opened your mouth sooner
Saved me my time
And let me leave sooner
You had your chance, but you chose to lead me on
And then ****** your nonsense over me
As if I was the treachery
Oh how I wish you could hear yourself
Oh how I wish you could process a single syllable's worth of weight of the words you said
And yet what should I expect;
Brain attached at the spine, and so missing by genetic defect

And oh how I'm left with your words
Left with everything you said
I hope you're happy,
As much as my wish to see you again

Nod my head,
Pause.
Uncertain pout,
Pause.
Opens m-
Pause--
Pause
PAUSE.

...
Why?
Why am I doped by you?
Why?
I am certain I don't like you.
In fact I almost always hated you.
Why?
Your presence always had me on guard.
I had to smile around you.
And I slowly fell deeper into my sadness.

I couldn't take being surrounded by you.
I even attempted to part from you.
But you...
You stuck to me.
I don't want to blame you because I know you aren't fully to blame.
I let you continue.
I couldn't bring myself to tell you.
Not because I loved you,
But because the image I had of you was twisted.
I didn't know what part of you was true.
And I just felt so suffocated.
What did I want from you?
I didn't want anything.
I don't get it.

Your every movement bugged me.
Ticked me off.
At first I liked the way you understood things.
But I slowly realised that you were a person I could never come to like.
I tried, thinking, that everyone had their own perks.
I tried, thinking, that I should try to accept everyone.
But I couldn't.
It was too much for me.
And before I knew it,
Being around you depressed me.

I later found out that you said some untrue things behind my back.
Tainting the image of me in other people's hearts.
If people believed you then they aren't worth my time but I also don't want that to happen.
Apparently you cried.
I hurt you.
We hurt each other?
Or was it that you lied to yourself?
Or did I lie to myself?
Or did we lie to each other?
No.
We definitely lied to each other.
But why?
I couldn't stand you.
But was it the same for you?
The thought of you depresses me.

You... I don't even know what to think about you.
I don't want anyone to cry because of me.
But you... I don't get you.
Did you really cry because of me?
Or did you use me as a reason to cry?
I don't get you.

Take my soul and
Rip it to shreds
Pick up the pieces and then
Step all over them
Ignore my screams and
Feed me the poison you make
Just forget my presence and
Leave me there to rot.

My soul is dazed
So just do whatever you want
Don't worry if I care
Coz I'll always forgive you, no?
Step closer to me and
Just cleave my soul asunder
I only just live
It doesn't matter.