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Jul 2023 · 741
A cruel cycle
Van Xuan Jul 2023
When a man learns to love,
He must bear the risk of hatred.
But is anyone willing to risk being hated just to save him?

I guess not
Not when the person you're saving
Doesn't want to be saved.

Yet,

There are some foolish enough
To save that person.
I am one of those fools.
Better be fool than watching someone suffer.
Jun 2023 · 533
Futility
Van Xuan Jun 2023
As my mind slowly burns her out of my existence

My heart stubbornly protecting her with everything he got

Just to remind my mind that

She was once I called home
A home I used to find peace
One desperate attempt
Jun 2023 · 715
The Taste of Regret
Van Xuan Jun 2023
As I reached out to you.
I spilled the words of my heart
Frustrations, anger, disappointments
And then  I felt pain.

A Desperation of a hopeless struggle

And then I feel disgusted.
Emptiness, helplessness, despair
I drank the words of my heart
As I stare at the empty wall
Jul 2022 · 648
It's so noisy
Van Xuan Jul 2022
"It's so noisy"
I whispered as I watch my friends eat dinner in the table again.
the only family I cherish.
they gave me peace when I'm in pain
they saved me when I feel ******.
but things have changed
I fail to save them
they are the only thing I have
how come it comes down to this?
I whispered as I stare at an empty table.
"It's so noisy"
read it from bottom to top again
Jun 2022 · 885
Ganahan
Van Xuan Jun 2022
niingon ka ganahan ka sa adlaw
pero nagpalandong ka sa ilawm na punoan

niingon ka ganahan ka sa hangin
pero imong gi sirad an ang bintana pag agi sa hangin

niingon ka ganahan ka sa ulan
pero nag payong ka pag bunok sa uwan

nakulbaan ko pag ingon nimo
ganahan ka nako

mubiya naba ka nako?
An English piece that I heard from one of my friends and I just translate it to cebuano literature
Jun 2022 · 494
30 minutes
Van Xuan Jun 2022
in just 30 mins
i hear her voice
see her face
touch her hands
the heat of her embrace
yet I feel nothing
we can now properly talk like normal people
and the best part of it is
i feel relieved
because I am now sure
that the woman I'm with right now
is the one that I want to be
for the rest of my life.
3 years since I made the poetry 40 minutes. Now I am sure that I already moved on from her.
May 2022 · 3.8k
Falling from afar
Van Xuan May 2022
I cared for you since day 1
You never knew me
Yet I gave everything I got
Just for you to be happy.

I am just waiting here
Ready to support you
Anytime you need me

But then you love someone else
An adversary that I'm helpless with
Time to give up

For the first time and the last time
I just want you to know
The only reminder I can give to you

"Usted siempre sera mi siempre"
"You will forever be my always"
Full version of the poetry Final words.
Jun 2021 · 780
Fault
Van Xuan Jun 2021
They say people come and go
It is the normal way of life
But for me that is not the case

Too many people rely on me
As their mental and moral support
As their final refuge of being sane

Being left behind feels suffocating
Where my world feels numb
Struggling to keep myself sane

They are my source of refuge
They are my only salvation
They are the ones who keep me sane

If one of them left because of me
If one of them lost because of me
The fault is on me

A trauma for the rest of my life
When I need to act normal for the people who still needs my help but I'm dying inside
May 2021 · 1.0k
Out of reach
Van Xuan May 2021
When I desperately want to save her
Yet the only thing I can do
Is to let her go
Wiping my tears of being a failure
Heart is empty just like the time I lost someone important
May 2021 · 1.4k
Devil
Van Xuan May 2021
We all have our devils in us
But nobody want to admit it openly
Because one can be seen as a monster
To the eyes of the people around us
I'm nothing but a monster to the people around me
May 2021 · 672
Filth
Van Xuan May 2021
I feel the filth within myself
When I saw her fixing herself
From the damage that I've done

The emptiness that I gave to her
Is the same as the one who left me
I become the person I wish to avoid
When I become someone I hate I can feel the filth within myself
Van Xuan Apr 2021
When the pain is still there
Slowly eating away my humanity
Words of comfort in my mind
Doesn't reflect the way I write

Numbing my heart
Hiding under my blanket
Forcing myself to write
Hoping to fix myself
Mar 2021 · 3.6k
Social media
Van Xuan Mar 2021
This is where I mislead people
Of how broken I am
By putting an act
That I'm very happy
Just like the smiling photos seen in your timeline
I don't need others pity thus I need to do this
Mar 2021 · 565
Smiling
Van Xuan Mar 2021
You believe that I am fine
But even myself didn't know
That my tears starts falling
Even though I'm smiling
My soul recognise that I'm not fine
Mar 2021 · 442
Scattered Pieces
Van Xuan Mar 2021
Fragile hearts are bothersome
When they broke
It took years to make things right
Blood and tears are mixed
Just to keep the pieces together

But when it is broken again
You just want to give up and quit
Yet you can't stop
And you'll never stop fixing it
For that's the way of life

To love and to be loved
By another person
Who also experience
Fixing a scattered pieces
Of a Fragile Heart
For those hearts that are broken we can do this. There will be time we can fix this
Mar 2021 · 694
Parting
Van Xuan Mar 2021
Trying my best to cheer her up
Support her as much as possible
Yet I can't stop the inevitable
Staying only make things worst
It's too painful to see her pain
In the end I can't do anything for her

She needed to leave
And the only thing I can do
Is to support her decision
The feeling of unable to do anything is back
Feb 2021 · 500
Taking things for granted
Van Xuan Feb 2021
People who take things for granted
Are the worst type of people
Because they always thought
That everything they have
Are meant to be theirs
Jan 2021 · 1.6k
Daring
Van Xuan Jan 2021
In that very moment
My fears are gone
Taking all the risk
I bring her close
As I put her lips to mine
With her startled eyes
I didn't dare to move for a second
For it's a pure bliss of happiness
Covered with face mask
Credits to the face mask that gave me courage to kiss her
Jan 2021 · 381
Note to myself
Van Xuan Jan 2021
No matter how many lies you said
You can't lie to your heart
For lying to your heart
Leads to pain and destruction

No matter how many people you care
You must never think of something in return
For when you look for something in return
You will gain betrayal and distrust
Jan 2021 · 221
Being happy
Van Xuan Jan 2021
Convincing yourself to be happy
Is like being told to draw a smile
With a broken pencil
Dec 2020 · 250
Trust
Van Xuan Dec 2020
"I won't give up on you"

The words I sincerely said to her
A man's promise I solemnly abide

Yet I receive distrust

From the woman whom I trust
The same woman who gave me
The pain of reality
Nov 2020 · 402
Final words
Van Xuan Nov 2020
The only reminder I gave to her

"Usted siempre sera mi siempre"
"You will forever be my always"
Nov 2020 · 231
Losing the will to fight
Van Xuan Nov 2020
Today I let go of someone special
I tried to cling as hard as I can
Just for that person to stay

We argue
We fight
I plead

But when a person wants to leave
They leave with determination
Never looking back
Never in my dreams we end up like this breaking each other up
Nov 2020 · 335
Letting me go
Van Xuan Nov 2020
For once tell me you don't want me
So that this poor heart of mine
Will realise that we can't be together
And stop chasing you forever
Nov 2020 · 380
Lunatics
Van Xuan Nov 2020
"You are Lunatic"

A word they describe to me
For being in love to someone
Who might not be mine forever

But aren't we all in the same page?
For once in your lifetime
You also loved someone
who might not be yours forever

I'm not the only Lunatic here
We are all Lunatics
For those who experience loving someone who takes all the risk just to find true love
We are all Lunatics
Nov 2020 · 977
Father
Van Xuan Nov 2020
I'm sorry if I may look rude to you
When I may be cold to you
When I don't show any warmth from me
But you know..

Even if I always act like this
Even if I always look angry from you
Even if you don't see any love from me
You will always be my dad
And I love and proud of you
Nov 2020 · 142
Change
Van Xuan Nov 2020
I was skeptic when people says
'Loving too much will change you'
How can it change me when I only sincerely show her my heart? 

But

Now I believe in them.. 
You know why?
Because when she touch my heart
I never felt anything 
only indifference 

And it change me into someone I never knew
Oct 2020 · 454
Taste of a kiss
Van Xuan Oct 2020
Couples taught me
That the sweetest you can taste
Comes from the woman you love

But I don't believe that
Because when I kiss her lips
It is not sweet at all

What I taste is the desire
To kiss her more
The taste of longing for her

And the taste of happiness
A sincere taste of love
Oct 2020 · 124
Insomia
Van Xuan Oct 2020
The only reason
Why I can't sleep at night
Is because of you

The girl who left me behind
I feel restless everytime this mood hits me
Oct 2020 · 225
Insecurity
Van Xuan Oct 2020
What if

What is she won't talk to me anymore
What if I'm just her past time
What if she will leave me

What if I just played her feelings
What if I'll left her behind
What if I'm tired of her

What if
What if

***** what ifs
I'm **** afraid
But I must face it IF it will happen
Sep 2020 · 278
Chasing you
Van Xuan Sep 2020
Is the only thing I wish
Yet can never be granted

A foolish decision
Which I never regret

It is like driving on an empty road
Crazily speeding towards you

The thrill of my life
Rainy thoughts
Jul 2020 · 303
Unbearable
Van Xuan Jul 2020
They said silent means yes
But why it is deafening
When I ask her
Do you love me?
Jul 2020 · 155
Writing it out
Van Xuan Jul 2020
It's been a couple of months
Since I stopped writing
In those months I felt empty
But I don't really seems to care
Like a wasteland without life

I don't really want to write
But it cost me greatly
I almost lost myself
Thus I start writing again
Under this rain

I let myself pour all the emptiness
Inside my heart
When writing makes me feel better
Jul 2020 · 236
Survivor
Van Xuan Jul 2020
I lost someone dear to me

It happened so fast that I can't react
My mind can't process it
I can't feel anything
And then..

Reality hits me hard

I can't breathe
I want to go home
I want to die
My world stop spinning
I want to quit
I can't move on

But I don't want to give up
I struggled hard
I fight to live every day
I am healing
I want to be strong
So that when the time comes
When I face that person once again
I can say it pride

I am a survivor
Thank you for your guidance
Mom
A small tribute for those who survived this difficult situation in life
Jun 2020 · 965
Rain
Van Xuan Jun 2020
It's raining again

It's always like this
Every time rain starts
My mood starts to plummet

As the rain drops on the ground
It echoes loudly
On my hollow heart
May 2020 · 232
Essence of writing
Van Xuan May 2020
I honestly don't know what to write

I just fill this with empty words
With no sense of direction at all

Is this the feeling of being stagnant
Or just the fact that losing someone
Means losing the the reason of writing

To make her immortal
In the world of literature
Van Xuan May 2020
To the one reading this

We may be thousand miles apart
Connected by an accident in game
An unforgettable experience

Knowing you little by little
Day by day
Slowly but surely

Chasing our different paths
Meeting different people
Yet never losing our connection

Clinging in this loose courage
I just want to say
I'm here for you

I hope our bond won't end
Getting stronger each passing day
Your stranger across the world
A small literature for someone I cherish on the other side of the world
May 2020 · 236
Wind down
Van Xuan May 2020
My mind blanked at that very moment
We've been in this journey for 6 years
And I know someday it's going to end

But your sudden departure made me realised
That it is never easy to let go
Of the things you love the most

On that rainy midnight
I left with a deep sigh
Putting my phone away as I silently said
Such a nice book, thank you for everything
I really don't know how to handle these kind of situations every time i finish reading books or updates of a good novels
Apr 2020 · 434
Meteor shower
Van Xuan Apr 2020
When we talk about meteor shower
There are so many perspectives to look unto
But there is one perspective that I really like
And that is showing its brilliance
In a very short time
Yet it lingers to our hearts
Jumping our souls up
Deeply appreciating how beautiful night is

Be that kind of meteor shower in other people's lives
Give a tiny spark in their lives
In anyway you want
And I assure you
That person,
Will appreciate how beautiful life is
Just a quick realization while watching meteor shower
Apr 2020 · 152
Nothingness
Van Xuan Apr 2020
When the taste of love is gone
When dating feels empty
When there's no color in life
How could I ever love again?
Can I still have my happiness?
I don't feel like loving at all
Apr 2020 · 130
Untitled
Van Xuan Apr 2020
For almost 4 years
I can finally say to her
These words that tightly clings
In my heart

"I give up, time for me to let you go"
Apr 2020 · 194
Guilt
Van Xuan Apr 2020
No matter how hard I try
Even if we are back to friends
I'm still a coward
To send her a message
Because I know in myself
It's better to be like this
Than making another relationship
That might tear us apart
Apr 2020 · 154
Blank
Van Xuan Apr 2020
Can someone tell me
How to understand
The phrase she gave to me
'I'm sorry and good bye'
Apr 2020 · 222
Everything I have
Van Xuan Apr 2020
Can she accept me
Even if the only thing I have
Is a single piece of my remaining heart
Apr 2020 · 221
ALL I WANT
Van Xuan Apr 2020
When was the last time we dance in the rain,
Laughing at simple things.
When was the last time we enjoy playing outside,
Not minding if we will end up sweating.

When was the last time we laughed so hard without thinking about the world,
Just us sharing horror stories at night.
When was the last time we live so happily,
Curious about the future, about how we will grow old.

And now here we are, stressing ourselves,
Adulthood at it's finest.
When some of our dreams fail, our efforts became useless,
And we can't do anything about it.

We thought we can do everything once we're older,
Yet here we are, hearts begin to break and smiles starts to falter.
How I wish we'll be like that again,
Once we fall we'll just stand up and kiss away the pain.

How I wish we can be that happy,
Dreaming about those fairytale stories.
How I wish we can bring back time,
And stay as kids where problems are small like figuring out how to climb.

Those times where I'm so eager to find the answers to my questions,
Feeling so exhilarating for the things unknown.
I miss being the kid I am in the past,
Where Christmas is still special and know lots of spells to cast.

I miss those times where I can be who I am,
And dream of what I want to be.
Where I can sleep all day and eat plenty,
No worries, no more responsibilities.
I wish I didn't grow up, and stuck as a child,
So I can be more bolder and wild —in spirit.
This is from my student ☺️

J.M Neko
Jan 2020 · 149
Final message
Van Xuan Jan 2020
Usted siempre sera mi siempre
You will forever be my always
My only message that I can never say to her because I missed that chance
Jan 2020 · 153
Midnight
Van Xuan Jan 2020
They said that when one reaches midnight
They always express their deepest feelings
To someone they really love...

I'm really afraid of this time
Because whenever I reach midnight
The feeling of bitterness will show

The bitterness of being left behind
By the girl that USED to be my
EVERYTHING
Jan 2020 · 161
Coward
Van Xuan Jan 2020
Even if I scream to the world
I HATE YOU
My heart secretly tells you
I LOVE YOU
Nov 2019 · 711
Letting her go
Van Xuan Nov 2019
To let go of the girl i love
Just for her to be happy
Is the most painful
And the most happiest
Memory of my life
Nov 2019 · 168
Crowded place
Van Xuan Nov 2019
There are two things in my mind
Whenever I'm with you
In this busy streets of downtown

The feeling of being
The special person
In this crowded place for having you with me of all the people you know

And the feeling of being
A nobody
Knowing that I'm not special in your heart like everyone else in this crowd
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