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1d · 28
Untitled
For almost 4 years
I can finally say to her
These words that tightly clings
In my heart

"I give up, time for me to let you go"
2d · 6
Guilt
No matter how hard I try
Even if we are back to friends
I'm still a coward
To send her a message
Because I know in myself
It's better to be like this
Than making another relationship
That might tear us apart
3d · 41
Blank
Can someone tell me
How to understand
The phrase she gave to me
'I'm sorry and good bye'
3d · 110
Everything I have
Can she accept me
Even if the only thing I have
Is a single piece of my remaining heart
When was the last time we dance in the rain,
Laughing at simple things.
When was the last time we enjoy playing outside,
Not minding if we will end up sweating.

When was the last time we laughed so hard without thinking about the world,
Just us sharing horror stories at night.
When was the last time we live so happily,
Curious about the future, about how we will grow old.

And now here we are, stressing ourselves,
Adulthood at it's finest.
When some of our dreams fail, our efforts became useless,
And we can't do anything about it.

We thought we can do everything once we're older,
Yet here we are, hearts begin to break and smiles starts to falter.
How I wish we'll be like that again,
Once we fall we'll just stand up and kiss away the pain.

How I wish we can be that happy,
Dreaming about those fairytale stories.
How I wish we can bring back time,
And stay as kids where problems are small like figuring out how to climb.

Those times where I'm so eager to find the answers to my questions,
Feeling so exhilarating for the things unknown.
I miss being the kid I am in the past,
Where Christmas is still special and know lots of spells to cast.

I miss those times where I can be who I am,
And dream of what I want to be.
Where I can sleep all day and eat plenty,
No worries, no more responsibilities.
I wish I didn't grow up, and stuck as a child,
So I can be more bolder and wild —in spirit.
This is from my student ☺️

J.M Neko
Jan 19 · 105
Final message
Van Xuan Jan 19
Usted siempre sera mi siempre
You will forever be my always
My only message that I can never say to her because I missed that chance
Jan 7 · 140
Midnight
Van Xuan Jan 7
They said that when one reaches midnight
They always express their deepest feelings
To someone they really love...

I'm really afraid of this time
Because whenever I reach midnight
The feeling of bitterness will show

The bitterness of being left behind
By the girl that USED to be my
EVERYTHING
Jan 3 · 91
Coward
Van Xuan Jan 3
Even if I scream to the world
I HATE YOU
My heart secretly tells you
I LOVE YOU
Nov 2019 · 418
Letting her go
Van Xuan Nov 2019
To let go of the girl i love
Just for her to be happy
Is the most painful
And the most happiest
Memory of my life
Nov 2019 · 54
Crowded place
Van Xuan Nov 2019
There are two things in my mind
Whenever I'm with you
In this busy streets of downtown

The feeling of being
The special person
In this crowded place for having you with me of all the people you know

And the feeling of being
A nobody
Knowing that I'm not special in your heart like everyone else in this crowd
Nov 2019 · 171
Stubborn
Van Xuan Nov 2019
They say I'm a fool
Chasing a woman
Who I can never have
Nov 2019 · 79
Comfort
Van Xuan Nov 2019
"It's ok, It will pass, you can do it"
Those words are always repeated
Over and over like a broken disc.
I don't need those words
What I need for them to do is
To be there and silently listen
The cries of my downfall
Nov 2019 · 97
Scream from the heart
Van Xuan Nov 2019
The loudest scream I heard
Comes from a girl who says
'I'm fine'
Oct 2019 · 146
Meeting you
Van Xuan Oct 2019
Before meeting you I have
Hope for the future
Trust from the people
and love of the unknown

But after you left I have
Taste the emptiness of despair
Doubt the words of the people
And fear of the unknown
Oct 2019 · 258
Torn
Van Xuan Oct 2019
Who should I choose
A woman who made my world
Or a woman who colors my world?

My heart is torn
Between my past and present
Between who I am today
And who I will be in the future

What shall I do
To stay in love with the girl in the past
Or to love the woman in front of me

Tell me... What should I do?
Torn between two lovers
Sep 2019 · 44
To my crush
Van Xuan Sep 2019
You don't know the feeling
When we have a short conversation
Before you sleep every night
It's like I'm in heaven
Even if my day was hell
Sep 2019 · 79
Obsession
Van Xuan Sep 2019
She stares with menace
A custom she can't control
Gray paints her world

She met a kind man
Who gave radiance to her life
A cliche story

People flock on him
Which stains her light with darkness
She is at her end

She is resentful
She want to own him alone
She has a great plan

By midnight they met
She cut his throat nice a swift
"He is mine only"
Sep 2019 · 54
Mutual
Van Xuan Sep 2019
Late night talks
Unplanned road trips
Number one supporter
Enjoying our mutual relationship
Yes Mutual relationship
Nothing more
Nothing less
The only thing that is true between us
That we are just friends
Sep 2019 · 114
Night routine
Van Xuan Sep 2019
Twisting and turning all night
Staring at the phone
Scrolling up and down aimlessly
While thinking what went wrong
About leaving me behind
In this abandoned world of yours
Sep 2019 · 171
Goodbye
Van Xuan Sep 2019
The only word I hate
Because it is always said
When a person leaves me behind
And never return.
Goodbye
Sep 2019 · 168
Masochistic love
Van Xuan Sep 2019
New Day starts
As the clock strikes at midnight
Yet my heart fails to start
As it lingers to a woman
Who remains in the past.

Why?

Why can't my heart move forward?
Trap in the past which won't last
Casting away the future
Embracing the torture
Stubbornness eats me alive

Yet..

Yet this kind of life never made me sad
Because for every second loving you
Gives me energy to love you more
Even if seeing you with someone else
Drags me to hell... Or not.
Aug 2019 · 79
Betrayal
Van Xuan Aug 2019
Drinking ***** tonight
Smoking under the moonlight
Make out today
Party tomorrow
Enjoying every second of my life
Yet
When I became sober
When the last cigarette dies
When the day ends
When I reach the end
When fun becomes tiring
I always remember...
I am now alone
Since the day that I
Was betrayed by the friends
Whom I thought
My support in life.
For my friends who left me behind
Aug 2019 · 63
Restart
Van Xuan Aug 2019
New Day starts
As the clock strikes at midnight
Yet my heart fails to start
As it lingers to a woman
Who remains in the past
The one I wish to last
Jul 2019 · 57
Rain
Van Xuan Jul 2019
As tears slowly drops my chin
The rain smooths my crumpled heart
Drowning the sadness away
Jun 2019 · 49
absurdity
Van Xuan Jun 2019
When I just became a stepping stone of what she become today sometimes makes me wonder...
Did I just born to witness this moment?
Jun 2019 · 117
Selfish
Van Xuan Jun 2019
We have so many pictures together
Since our middle school years
Until this very day

When you left me without explanation

I burn one photo everyday but kept the last one.

You know why?

Because part of me crazily wants you even if I know you will never return to me
For the last 3 years I still can't move on from her
Jun 2019 · 87
Idealistic relationship
Van Xuan Jun 2019
Ideally you're the person I want
Who can ideally make me perfect
Who can ideally bring the bliss of my youth
Who can ideally be my world.

But I forgot a very important fact
And that is to be realistic

There's no such thing as ideal person
We can never force someone to change
For us to be perfect
For us to taste the bliss of our youth
And to be in our ideal world

Because this is the reality
We just need to make the best out of it
And be content with what the person gave to us.
Apr 2019 · 156
Liar
Van Xuan Apr 2019
"sorry i lied to you"
a sharp intangible knife
came from my mouth.

"it's fine i understand"
a drop of tear rolling
down to her cheek.

i want to remove that **** tear
but i can't
for i don't feel worthy of being with her

because i am
a liar
Apr 2019 · 171
Oppression
Van Xuan Apr 2019
Society taught us many things
we are taught to read
we are taught to understand
we are taught to be critical
we are taught to give justice
we are taught to be philosophers of life
but why?
why our voices turned muffled?
why we are oppress for saying the truth?
why ostracize when we speak for justice?
why we are taught to be philosophers
when at the end of the day
we are just a puppet of society
just because I am just a student it does not mean that I can't see the abuses in front of me.
Apr 2019 · 277
Mount Everest Feeling
Van Xuan Apr 2019
why i want to reach this state of life?
i spend my time
my effort
my attention
body and soul
and heart
just to reach this peak
but why?
what is the real purpose of all of this?
did i just chase an empty dream?
everyone congratulate me
but i feel nothing at all
nothing at all
One of my class in philosophy
Apr 2019 · 307
40 minutes
Van Xuan Apr 2019
In just 40 mins I
hear your beautiful voice
see your glowing face
touch your hands
feel your embrace
revive my humanity
and the best of it is
we can now properly talk like we used to be
it's the best gift that I can ever have
Mar 2019 · 298
Decision
Van Xuan Mar 2019
i would rather stay with you
till we both taste sour
than getting bitter looking
for an alternate you
which i know is impossible
Mar 2019 · 139
Unbearable
Van Xuan Mar 2019
at the end of the day
when you sat at the table
you will realize
that the one you love the most
will never come back to you

that is the time loneliness strikes in
the noise of silence is too much
like trashing your mind inside out
until tears suddenly drops

followed by a silent scream that you try to hold
until muffled sobs echoes on the walls
of a lively neighborhood
Van Xuan Mar 2019
why you try so hard
to fit in her world
when she can live her life
and you can live my life
long before you've met each other
a question in the middle of the night
Mar 2019 · 107
An answer to my broken self
Van Xuan Mar 2019
you might find my answer absurd
but i'll tell you
the reason why i try so hard
to fit in her world
is because i badly want to fix
that broken pieces of yours
hoping that you'll be whole again
from the woman you love the most
and from the woman the I hate the most
Mar 2019 · 311
Lie
Van Xuan Mar 2019
Lie
Nobody
want
to
spend
time
with
someone
who
throw
your
trust
like
a
____________________­________
\          d            g        t  ­              /
\         i             a        r             /
\        r          r           a           /
\       t         b            s        /
\                a          h      /
\               g               /
\          e                 /
___________________
Mar 2019 · 130
Tears
Van Xuan Mar 2019
I hate seeing a woman cry because of me
A principle I throw away
Since the day she left me alone

I made countless women cry
To satisfy my unquenchable anger
A sin that I can never overcome.

But when I saw my mother cried,
My heart was squeezed ruthlessly
An invisible force ripping my soul.

Can I still be called human?
When I've done so many cruel things
Even forgetting the only principle I have

A principle that I made for my mother when I made her cry once.
Van Xuan Mar 2019
Heaviness of eyes
Unreadable sentences
Fighting drowsiness

Cold afternoon breeze
Drags wandering minds to sleep
So hard to resist

Yet the best part is...
The sound of a lullaby
Of prof's discussion

Oh how wonderful
To rest peacefully like I'm...
Sleeping on God's wings

Unfortunately...
When the prof caught us sleeping
Hell will seethe our soul
Mar 2019 · 83
A lesson in Ethics class
Van Xuan Mar 2019
"Loving is never wrong, it is always right"

This line struck me to the core
My beliefs are starting to crumble
Doubt rises inside my head

"This is unfair! Why I feel wronged when I fall in love with her?!"

A question that burst inside my heart
Frustration, pain, anger and weakness goes with it
A typhoon that destroys everything in its path

"Then why invest when it's already a losing fight?"

I was lost, my voice doesn't seem to go out
Why did I love a person who in the first place does not love me back?
For once I truly loved a person who drag me in despair
A lesson that needs to be ingrain in my heart
Mar 2019 · 288
Perspective
Van Xuan Mar 2019
"Do you understand?"

He woke up from his trance while silently looking at the foreign place he is in.
He does no know what he is doing there but he remember how she left him when they are still happily having their date on the other day.
He felt being hopeless in the dark when she is gone.

He ask to God why?
He feels that he is cheated
He is angry!
He hates her!
He hates her!
He really hates her!

"Can you prove that she does not love you even if she left you in the dust?"

He stared at the person asking the question.
He thought it is a foolish question
Is leaving him behind not an solid proof that she does not love me? He is dumbstruck
The question that he don't know what to feel.

"Betrayal can also mean that you are love by her you know? Do you now understand?"

And at that moment he remembered that he is in the classroom listening to his professor.

"Yes Bishop I understand everything"
Mar 2019 · 64
Unexpected meeting
Van Xuan Mar 2019
At that single moment,
I hug her for a very long time
Devoid of reasoning
Just a sincere raw feeling
Of how much I miss her.
Never minding the busy streets,
The amuse stares of the the crowd,
Or the noisy cheers of our friends.
It's just between us,
beating as one.
When I met my long time sweetheart for almost 2 years due to my studies in a boarding school
Mar 2019 · 112
Retribution
Van Xuan Mar 2019
"I let her cry again"
A phrase that made his mind blank
Vow he fail to assert

He push her away
Madness drives him to do it
Love that he must hate

Three years comes so fast
Yet she does not seem to fade
Guilt that hunts me down
Van Xuan Mar 2019
A storm is brewing
Breathing here is exhausting
A surprise exam

No one is prepared
To accept a zero score
The end is failure

Clutching our loose hope
Bracing for a strong impact
Preparing the worst

Yet we face nothing
Only a booming laughter
It's all a big joke
I experience this once and surely I almost cried because of his bad joke
Mar 2019 · 211
PAST
Van Xuan Mar 2019
Tick..Tick..Tick..Tick..Tick
Time Repeatedly Remind
A Hollow Heartbreak

In this messy world
I only saw gray and black
A color of loss

Rain drops bit by bit
A silent way of grieving
Letting pain flow fast
Mar 2019 · 126
Desolation
Van Xuan Mar 2019
I used to stare at the stars
Where we both make plans for the future
Plans that I thought we could pull together
A future I used to looked forward

I used to stare at the moon
Thinking that we are in the same sky
Despite the distance between us
A consolation I used to cherish

You left me, without a single word
I was confuse, angry and helpless
I want to scream at you!
I have thousand of words to say to you

You are my friend
You are my shield
You are my pillar of staying sane
You are the only person that I care to stay

But, when I see you together with other person
I lost my voice
I lost my courage
Only a single tear tells how much you mean to me

— The End —