left our things
cratering the desert;
palms upturned
pulling the pressure away -
soft-words
talking down the crumpled spine of loss.
the sand,
the sand.
if it wasn’t so fine,
would you be able to trust
the mistaking of
abrasion for absolution?
will you be able to forgive
the belief
that a collapse can come
with good intentions?

i understand the Greeks
When they wrote of boys
turning to men as
“in the flush of their strength”.
as if the tides of youth,
had burst it’s banks
flooding childhood, like the Mycenae
against Troy.

to hold you between the gaps
of my fingers
escaping the love songs
from my throat
that I didn't know were there
till you told me it was time to go.
then the drum starts
its beat behind our eyes
our lacking tongues
that fail to formulate
this feeling
which is slowly escaping
my grasping hands.

i never could write in the sunshine, yet i had to.
and sometimes, the sky opens these memories
long, long locked away.
The parting of clouds, like that of eyes, of dreams.

of being 6 and crying tears of joy,
of being 12 and just crying,
the bite of bark against forearms,
the froth of a first beer,
and fires of first love,
and aches of growth,
seeing mirrors that never had a little boy smiling,
seeing horizons that never had an end.

sometimes, i think, the sky is like a mirror
reaching out across time.
and i think i could now dance carefree
with the snivelling younger me.

with all of that self-love,
seeing his future would be enough.

Maybe a love poem for you's
too cliché.
(but I'll still do one anyway.)
Cause even though you hate it-
we both know you'll admit
(That maybe this ain't so bad)

I wanted attention-
scratch that, love,
from the moment of our hazy conception.

I wanted my fingers to trace
the curve of your face.
Cheekbones. A jaw.
All made the bad thoughts nevermore.

It hurts because i know it's a dream.

these fingers'll never lay upon you,
your lips never crushed to mine.
but because i love you i'll be fine

better to deal with nothing
cause hate-filled wary eyes
will **** me a thousand times.

leave my heart to rupture and burst
because to me our friendship must come first

This'll reach you.
I'll scream across the void i named friendship
in the hope that a syllable pass into that amber cut heart,
to send your head spiraling into shards
of understanding.
That'll recast themselves
in a better light.

A better light
A bedroom light.                          A Dream.

fine then.

               i'll forgive a memory and condemn a feeling.
          

                                                               the arteries
bloodless fingers squeezing
               an expression silent.
          
                         press into gumlines - remind enamel
               no recastings will remain
                                                                           at the end of this.

9:07                    Egotism and Wants
9:08                    Futures with eyes Gaunt
9:09                    Childhoods and Taunts
9:10                                                                what are we doing.

9:11                     i gave up asking awhile ago.

The Night
sparkles somewhere....far
lit only by
the tail of some falling star.
and under it
Two hearts expend,
all that they thought....
they thought their hearts could send.
and between them
The oaken child
who stares up at the sky
wishing to be wild.
and in his hand
a pen tightly held.
a caligraphical cage
another passion quelled
And Above Them All
     Snow.............. Slowly..... begins..... to.... fall.

Today, you didn't appear.
For the life of me,
or death
I could not stand the fear.

You had staggered away.
Even after I may, or may not
have wanted you to stay.
Did my words wind up lost in translation,
still- I begged for swift emancipation.

Perhaps I fret too much.
"I" lacking your loving touch.
for we are not "We"
Just You an'                                                               Just me.

Today you didn't appear.

do not hold
hands that do not fear
losing yours.

am I more than a drink
taken per food group
swallowed by instinct.
you’re more to me than thirst.
sliced by feeling,
unpeeled heart wrenching
take from all and, Nothing.
I wait for you here,
so perhaps the taste of you
lights back stars, and starlight.
perhaps the taste of you
finds pathways in the back of legs, of knee.
you are permenent in the heat of love
but sliced in essence.
**** ME
and ask very little in return, ask of holding.
your **** as it grows limp in the moonlight,
all I miss is the taste of your absence
all I taste is the feeling of you
finished inside of me which laid the foundations of something larger than what this body can contain,
I love it, the hurt of your breaking into me.
and hurt of the love that remains.

out into an abyss
finding fingers in the dark
to curl around my thoughts
and leave an impression.

it's not finding a hand to hold
or to sweep out the mist.
it's to find shelter from the cold
and lips you once kissed.

i. How to justify running away
there was no solid ground to stand on
no
earth to sink into.
a remember-me-not
of dirt.

ii. How to describe anxiety
laying on the edges of paper
slicing arteries of the throat,
the jugular veins,
forcing a sort of not cry/moan/scream/whimper.

iii. How to talk about unrequited love
push open the wound
accidentally scarring the memory
into skin.
writing calligraphy from the bloodstream.

iv. How to know what's home
slinking back to cotton
to caress and cover and rebuild
weary soul.
let a candle be the lighthouse.

v. How to write about someone who will never write back
oh these relentless intakes of air
that rattling the rib cage,
why is love only fair
when its finished to the bottom of the page.

sea scalded lips
cracked like shoals
yet smooth surfaced
moistened by coral tongue
locked behind bone reefs
but to be blessed by those waters
to be swallowed by maelstrom kiss.

we were watching the river drag away cigarette ash
the smoke rising into visions.
divining meaning was always hard
when eyes are blurry and clouded.
  "once there was a prince who fell in love with the sky.
  he never grew
  tired of his blue, grey, black, orange, ever-changing lover. till one
  day, he awoke but couldn't see, his eyes were clouded so he cried.
  he cried and cried and cried. the sky began to cry too.
  they washed out all the colours until the prince swore never
  to love again."
 the smoke clears and your face appears, teary-eyed with
 heartbreak written so sharp and jagged on your lips.
  "i'm tired of loving someone that won't love me back."
 i would have kissed you in all of your shattered pieces.
 but i didn't.

there's 3 varieties of rock
scouted from the hillside
at the foot of the launchpad.

I LOAD UP ANGER,
IN ALL OF ITS FROZEN AND FIERY SHARPNESS
WEIGHING DOWN THE MECHANISM
WITH ALL OF MY EXPECTATIONS
TO THROW AT THESE UNFEELING WALLS

to simmer and smoulder
before impact
like a whispered promise.

(i reach for silence)
(the underhandedness catching my fingers)
(drawing blood over the drawstring)
(sending another part of me in its flightpath)

it never reaches the sky
you can't fire a non-feeling
as much as we wish we could.

so-i-decide-to-settle-down-
in-this-trebuchet-
to-see-if-­throwing-myself-headlong-
will-let-me-break-through-or-break-me-
­
The castle walls remain up, the remains of a young man were recently disposed of by the guards, cause of death?  
Trying too hard.

SOH: (Sins over Humanity)
CAH: (Chaos averts Hope)
TOA: (Truth obliging Ambition)

Find the triangles within our hearts.

You leapt. Landed, laughed.
While I.
I lied- lagged then limped.
Its fair but not fair.
Then I remembered
Love doesn't care.

it’s the unwillingness to      (stop)
start
imitations                           (one-way)
of genuine
conversations                  (relationships)

…………something about an end. the scope of things together. in the spiral you’re still connected to the beginning. I’m still here just falling. rewrapping the ugliness of hurt. kissing my knuckles. pushing against gravity. elbows and toes buried. in my latest growth-spite. the line drawn under  unconnected. a context of embarrassment. remember the rule about tying loose ends. speak into my night light. scratch out a chance.  take refuge by the windowsill. the downpour whispered its precedence. he’s out there. drowning standing up. our bedroom. the thunder failing to tick over. lightning like a flinch. hands in hands in gaps. i wonder if the rain knows it might not end. wonder if i might not too……………….

corrugated;
this love like
an ugly curve.
draining the airpocket
dry.
nails, wood wounded.
all right, all right, all right then.

We were twin-tailed stars,
bursting forth from the night.
Radiating our warmth,
revelling in delight.

We were gemstones- Geodes;
raw, intwined.
Silver faceted rings,
wrapped tightly in twine.

But as all atoms decay,
light dulls and fades.
Pulls that were closer now drift away,
Oh how I wish.

I wish you would stay.

life
(must i dream)
an experience
twice confirmed
three times replayed.

where
is the original?                                                
(to speak)    
isn't performance about spontaneity,          
about the moment?

(the gospel of loss?)                                                                            
what is there to dream of
to get my lines
right, the first time round?

Are we running
because you're afraid of me

or the starting pistol aimed at us both.

I dreamt it finally
Saw it in
all its glory.
But even in dreams
There's still no hope for  you
for me.
Soft. Silken. Warm.
Intangible, without fear
Without form.
I dreamt it finally
and to an end I hoped to see
to see you
and me.

It's funny
Cause once upon a time
I believed love wouldn't **** you
But save you.

But now I know to respect
Love's
A serial killing paramedic.

you passed by the river
and the reflection was cast on
my curve of bank.
the current
lost it’s strength at the mouth
like words whispered in defeat.
were it not for my knowledge
of those who have drowned
i would be breathing the reeds and water
and beating against the overflow.
i think it’s human nature
fight for something
for the only thing we know.