I'm sick. Not
physically. close enough though.
because
you're not close enough.
To heal. Me

We have Homes: Security
We have Graveyards: Grief
We have Old folks homes: Maturity
And Prisons: Thief.

Humans are cozy creatures,
Like things neat and tidy
Building, buildings to compartmentalise our society.

I build homes in my heart;
with bedrooms, bathrooms. With kitchens and attics.
Winding staircases- gardens.
They beat in time with my blood
and with each pump, become a little larger.

I am the only resident.

The Agrophobic Architect; never invited elsewhere.
never to know another's heart-home.
never invited in.

So i built homes in my heart
and slowly
the foundations decided to b/r\e/a\k
apart.

It was simple at first,
No harm intended.
Who'd of known you were a curse.
I'd of died for and defended.

What do you mean?
"This is on you"-Me?!
Who, rode in gallantly (knight in shining armour my ***)
Swept me away,
then has the *****-
To say

"It didn't mean a thing."
**** this ring
you
and everything love brings.

fine then.

               i'll forgive a memory and condemn a feeling.
          

                                                               the arteries
bloodless fingers squeezing
               an expression silent.
          
                         press into gumlines - remind enamel
               no recastings will remain
                                                                           at the end of this.

you don't have to bother
apologising, i've spat out worse
discussions
after speaking to myself

There is a snake.
Its many beautiful scales criss-cross over
my heart. I. I. I.
promised to never tell a soul
and hoped to die.

I'll be swallowed whole.

Boa-constricting inside my head
until the ink coloured poison drip drops till
i'm dead

i tell myself:
                     "To be used; is to be wanted,
                                                                       to be loved."
Only pathetically
can i ever dream
that they be
synonymous.

calling a lost lover
to begin to head on over
this bedroom was only a boarding gate
and this bed your layover.

i dug my patch of dirt
with my fingers in repentance

this formality before the hurt
this action my penance.

like these roots that roam
far beyond their means

this heart can't be home
to any semblance of honesty it seems.

with the soil                              a cradle
weighing me down
i see a vision of a mottled crown
the coldness seeping in
and for growth to start somewhere within.

i take shelter in your grooves
growing stronger in the curves
like whetstones smoothing and sharpening me down
to make a fine point

i wanted you to build with me
to push
me
up gently.

see if this rust
can turn into something beautiful
to see if rust
can be turned to gold

Once, twice, three times too many.
Sounds and shapes controlling the contrary.
Darkness, blackened abyssal, all of the above- Tricks and deception-
the leaving of love.
Lusting after loosing;
To find courage after fear..
Wishing and wanting those who once were dear.
Of course you'll find
your heart in pieces,
Not just one's two's or threes.
You'll find that a soul simply shatters
in a muted ambiguity.

How ironic to drown

In a sea of voices

Yet hope for

The lifeboat of your laugh.

and at the closing
he promises and promises
the last scene is just
around another corner.

and the pile of clothes in the corner is
just a
pile of clothes
but i know things aren’t right.

that the burning in my mouth
the locking of bones and sinew
once a month between us
isn’t satiating.

the thing inside of me pulsing.

i’m a neck viewer
using his curls as curtains.
compromise
watching things burst from other things.

remember
monsters break apart their hosts in escape.

compulsion
emerges from the core because
of the nature of change.

back in the moment:
the screen darker than dark.
my need, this body horror
spills out of me.

The words got lost in my throat
when the addition of another soul to replace mine
was first and honestly noticed
and i cant find them anymore
they fluttered upwards and died on the tip of my tongue
wishing somehow i could revive them with brute force but i don't ever think i could even find the strength to combat the conversation again
it hurts it hurts it hurts
my god it hurts
knowing this fleeting moment is in perpetual agony
without rhyme or reason i stick by again and again and again

I Just Wanted To Love You
without anyone listening.

There are 2 exits.
3, if you count a 6 story drop.
She accepts it
i just want to stop.

There's a table, some chairs.
Decorated with some sort of dead or dying flower.
Her tracing fingers, my raising hairs.
Rats run in the shower.

i can't find the carpet
she found the bed
with my fate set
to that room i was led.

the seconds ran miles
my mind went too
she called these acts, trials
to lose your youth.

When it was over
your sweat turning stale
you called me your lover
i called you my jail.

Hello, you.
I won't bid adieu,
till we finish these few
stanza's.

You came looking again.
am I right?
You just can't tame
those feelings, thinking-Poetry
will make'em behave- quite.

Well. We're both at a loss.
My own pen resists writing
icy words. Frost.
Bitten sentences need warm eyes
to thaw out.

Tell you what, lets
work. together.
I'll write something, anything which'll
forever, stay.
You just have to promise to remember it
and not twist it.

I'm not sure if our talk
was lengthy enough or indepth.
You'll just have to accept.
This; Metaphorical-Physical-Emotional-Mental
discussion has ended.

What we may of, or may not of, agreed upon.
Shall come true.
Now
adieu.

i
am born with an emptiness that is unable to be translated into words.
struggle
through nights without looking inwards for fear of never looking out.
without
knowing the best way to patch up this piecemeal pockmarked heart.
you
the planned escape route to run away with once it all turns to dust.

                                                  its funny how we always see the wrongs
                                                    just that moment too late.

i can only imagine a day
where you'd prefer to stay
                                                                        than sprint away.
So Run.
Run faster and faster and faster!
otherwise
my
begging may outpace you.

In a different light,
i'm sure i could see you
in this strangers' face.

With another drink,
i'm sure you'd taste
the same as this stranger tongue.

With another day..or two..
i'm sure your laugh (your laugh)
will fade into this strangers' throat.

BUT IT WON'T.
with another, another with.
      cause we're both.
without each other.

there's 3 varieties of rock
scouted from the hillside
at the foot of the launchpad.

I LOAD UP ANGER,
IN ALL OF ITS FROZEN AND FIERY SHARPNESS
WEIGHING DOWN THE MECHANISM
WITH ALL OF MY EXPECTATIONS
TO THROW AT THESE UNFEELING WALLS

to simmer and smoulder
before impact
like a whispered promise.

(i reach for silence)
(the underhandedness catching my fingers)
(drawing blood over the drawstring)
(sending another part of me in its flightpath)

it never reaches the sky
you can't fire a non-feeling
as much as we wish we could.

so-i-decide-to-settle-down-
in-this-trebuchet-
to-see-if-­throwing-myself-headlong-
will-let-me-break-through-or-break-me-
­
The castle walls remain up, the remains of a young man were recently disposed of by the guards, cause of death?  
Trying too hard.

If i could,
rewind time i would.
Not to change, or mess,
**** or bless
but to relive. Again.

The same mistakes and goals,
patch up the same holes,
live the bitter nights and
love the little fights.
To live. Once more.

There's one small issue.
Time travel's standard issue,
it's my heart will find you again.
When time's rewound and love's
refound, all good things must come
to an end.

Maybe one day, when i'm old and gray
you'll visit me.
to relive MY love
one final time.
Then once again. And again. And again.
Till no longer.

Too busy
thinking I'm yours

to worry about loving from another source.

pack up your clothes
remove your scent
this bed can be remade
this heart will be unbent