For three years I have worked towards a dream
now I am defeated
when you give your all
and it it’s the good enough
how can you keep trying

i no longer believe in fairness
or that working hard will help you to
achieve your “dreams”
that is *******
that corporations feed you to keep you
Complacent

work hard! do better! be best!
no. that’s the koolaid you are drinking
the society that says you can achieve anything with hard work
It is all lies
You suddenly wake up

everything has been a lie
you have wasted all this time
your life is a lie
you have no hope
you are in a corporate nightmare
nothing you do matters

For two years
we spent every day together
every night talking
I thought we were friends

For two years I listened to you
talk about everything
heart ache, family, work
I thought I knew you

FOR TWO YEARS
I SUPPORTED YOU
I HELPED YOU THROUGH SO MUCH
why now is it like this

You say now that I am your darkness
that I make you an alcoholic
You perverted everything we did
and tried to take my friends

For two months
you ignored me
We live together but you ignored me
now it’s been four months


And I’ve given up on you

When I look at you
I feel like I am in my fantasy
You are the ray of afternoon sun
caressing my skin
as I lay reading

You are the excitement
that bubbles inside of me
when something brings me laughter

Even my favorite fictional character
-created with only lovable flaws-
cannot fill me with such a rush
of pure joy

You are the golden amber rays of sunlight
the delicate wings in my chest
fluttering glowing warmth
You fill my senses

It’s no wonder the great artists
rendered you in so many forms
in stone or paint
You could be no more beautiful

Dark lines and a wicked bough
dancing merry eyes
You are everything

In the shower
I keep peeking out
making sure
no one is there

I’ve never seen ******
but somehow the shower scene
Is stuck in my head
but... mine stars Pennywise

The movie isn’t real
I know that
I’m a grown up
but in the dark...
i don’t feel like it

ive stopped sleeping.
the dark hall outside of my room
always seems to hold
a pair of glowing eyes

it feels like i have been waiting for a hundred years//we have been together since we were teens//i watched you become a man//you stayed by my side and loved me// it’s been several years now//and i am starting to question marriage// if 50% of marriages end in divorce—- maybe—- i don’t want to risk you// maybe the state itself is a curse// i cant figure out what is different between that and our relationship// other than a title change—- maybe I should keep you the way we are now

Today everything was weird-not like anything was wrong but I felt off-I wasn’t hungry/couldn’t focus/couldn’t make sense of the words I was saying-

days like today have been more frequent lately— my sleeping is uneven and restless—my waking feels like I’m watching my own life through a snow globe waiting for everything to be shaken up

I’ve recently had to learn a lot about
myself— the kinds of things you wish you could never learn about yourself— how far your strength goes and the point where your mind snaps— .......i never
wanted to find the bottom of my strength—
every day with a forced smile
of course I can make your problem go away
i can fix anything in the blink of an eye
don’t worry it’s ok
i understand-i empathize-i know what you are feeling
- - - but every time I say those things it digs a little deeper
when I patch your hole I find my strings unraveling

this is exhausting

i shouldn't have to explain

justify even

why something makes me uncomfortable


she likes you
you said so yourself
she flirts
she teases and toys with her hair
and im paranoid

ive been so calm
Collected
but this is too much
im tired

paranoid?
me?
because i have eyes??

im going to sleep
too tired for this *******

My hair is as curvy
as my body.
Today I straightened
everything out.
I don't think straight suits me

When you are born
with hair this wild
you shouldn't ever
try to tame it.
Do what comes naturally

There is no point
in trying to straighten
something that was meant
to be anything but.
As long as it is you

I say: Do It

When I'm happy I can't write
not that I am a great writer when I'm sad
I just can't write at all when I'm completely happy

I'm not saying that inspiration comes from sadness or depression
but it's a lot easier to concentrate
when the things around me
hold no meaning

My favorite poems
Are a combination of intense sadness and ones that celebrate
the glorious nature of the universe
Emerson is my religion

my head is throbbing
a line that feels like raw nerves
is running behind my right eye

Everyone is having allergy issues now
but this feels different
noise makes me sick

is there an allergy to music?
some intense lack of soul?
maybe I don't have one

My lover is singing off key
in my too small shower
that's the only sound that doesn't hurt

The band downstairs still *****
they play non stop
But never improve

What is the difference between dissonance and cacophony?
I can't remember. They make me queasy

Even my cat is being extra nice today.
like he knows I feel wrong
Cat nurses are the best

I shouldn't be like this

My life is picking up
Great new job
I'm about to graduate
A loving relationship
The coolest cat ever
I shouldn't be like this

Getting back in shape
Eating right
Making new friends
Getting everything situated
Might've even found a good house
I shouldn't feel this way

I don't feel like I lost someone
Like I'm broken
Or aching
I just... Feel.... Bad
Like I'm a bad person
Who should be happy but can't

It isn't always
Most of the time I am satisfied
I am happy
At peace with my life
Overjoyed in fact
But some days...

When I spend too much time alone,
and lately that's all the time,
I can't fight the shadows;
the feelings that creep into my sunshine
And say "you don't deserve to be happy"
But I really want to be

I've been lying on the couch for an hour.
The drink beside me
covered in beads of condensation.
I should've done something today.

I have been avoiding life.
sometimes i can't even get out of bed.
I'm losing a battle.
have i even eaten today?

eh... there's cold pizza in the fridge...
if i can make myself get up.
Not worth it.
Oh. is it nap time again?

I need to be myself.
Focus. Death shouldn't impact me this way.
I have been grieving too long.
But this hurts too much to handle.

Climb out of bed
skin glowing in the dim light
every dip and curve of you-
I want to caress with my tongue-

The bones that poke out
above the waist of your jeans
the trail of hair running from your navel
I want to press my lips in worship against your flesh

Your arms are a sin
muscles scream with definition
when your body
strains against mine

Perfectly perky plump posterior
my hands itch to grab it
just a touch
maybe… a bite

Your hair like night-
black and dense-
sensuous silk
curls as my fingers run through

*** is supposed to be a hidden thing
but everything about you screams it.
Who cares about society and its mandates
when you are a god in human form

You could break me
But
I trust you won't
Love

I like your skin.
The temperature is different
Than mine.
Warm

In you
I see
An extension
Of myself

A part of my being
In another form
Standing
Opposite me

I adore you
Every inch
And curve
Every thought

We are different
And the same
Equals
Shared spirits

Yin and yang
Masculine
Feminine
Opposites attract

But what if
The opposites are
Just two halves
Of a whole

Opposite magnetism
One being
I love you
Yang

A long time
I was a shell

Not a clam
Or shrimp

Just a plain
Exoskeleton

In this moment
I am full

I could burst
Happiness is divine

This month
Has made me

Glad to be
Alive

I
Don't
Know

I'm
So
Lost

I'm
All
Alone

I cooked for you
Just things
That you
Like

Unfortunately
I'm good
At
It

You would rather
Eat my food
Than
Kiss my lips

Some
Days
I
Wonder

Absence
Makes the heart grow
Fonder
What about my mind?

I've lost connection
You are gone
I can't feel you
Reach you

I feel so **** lost
I hate this part of me
Dependent
Needy

I don't want to
I can't
Need
You

But once again
I can't help
But reach out
For you

I'm not special
My eyes
Just brown
Not light
Or dark

Your wall
Won't come down
I don't
Mean
Enough

A world created
In my mind
A place where
Not only was I yours
But you were mine

Head trauma
Must have occurred
Hallucinations
Fill my brain
I see them only when you speak

Busted thing
My heart
Idiotic
My mind
Body betrays me

You
Made
Me
Hope.
I die.

Depression crushes
Breaks me down
What can I do
Just
Bury me now

Push
The walls
Come down
Shutters
Over your eyes

Step back
You don't need,
Me,
Feelings
They make you weak

Shut down
Close up
Be silent
Cold
Again, I am alone

Blank,
Dead,
Empty,
Your eyes

Look
At
Me
I die

Break
Me
Down
You lie

All
I
See
Your eyes

I am
Says my heart
Wait!
It stutters,
His

My eyes
In my head
Have noticed
A man, No
Not him

I search
Him?
No
Not his!
They cry

Finally
In the corner
A boy, my age,
Quiet, shy, sleeping alone
My heart saw you

I am
His

My lover is (relax... Breathe)
the black rage
That dwells
In my stomach's pit (breathe. Keep it in)

My lover takes (my breath away)
My love
But can't
Return it (won't)

My lover is (the breath)
The ache, (in my lungs)
The pain (letting me know)
That screams from my soul (I am alive)

My lover gave (me air)
My life to me.
Life is not lived
Without breathing
(Breathe in....
Sigh.... You're here.
Now... I can
Breathe)

We break up
Or worse
Stay together

We rarely fight,
He gets mad
I apologize

After a while
He realizes
He's acted like a child

Technically it has been two years
We have been for two years
But so often there is no "we"

You are always my best friend
Always take care of me
Just sometimes, there is no "we"

Twisted limbs
Intertwined
Tangled bodies
Side by side

The is no me
Nor is there you
Together
We are one

Where do I end
Or is that
Where you begin
Finding out would be a sin

There is no rest
Consider
If you were torn asunder
Could you bear the pain
How soon would we find you
Six feet under

To be born half
Searching the world over
Trying to find
Something...

A bird missing a wing
A harp without strings

That's me without you

I have these piercings
Three of them actually
They're in my cartilage
Just a few months old
Pretty fresh really

They still hurt
Well
They hurt if I lay on them
So I don't
When I'm by myself

When you're here
I don't feel them
I only feel you
Your chest against my back
Your arm around my waist

And then I am alone
And sometimes
Just to remind myself what you do to me
I switch sides
And I know without you I hurt

The air unit is too loud
I forgot that
But I needed cold
My thoughts need cooling
Another night too hot to sleep

Toxicity flooding my brain
Blurry, dizzy, drowsiness
Swimming in my brain

The inside of a cloud
A rain cloud
Grey and cold
With drops dripping down

Fog, oh Fog
Still cold and grey
But, instead of the drops;
It is a blurring obscuring thing

Sunshine is too hot
Habilitates lethargy
It's mantra;
Sleep, Sleep; that is all you want

Rainy days
Grey again
Now the drops fall freely
Temperature dropping; it's frigid now

It is cold
Long sleeves a sanctuary
Chills numb after a time
It takes too long though

Spring time's sudden heat
Hinders the appetite
There is no sleep
Nor can one eat

In all weather
The eyes do weep

I wake up
There is moisture on my cheek
A sound so broken
Startled me awake
I see
I made it
That sound is me

I was reaching
My hand in the place
Where your head would rest
The tear drop falls
I hear a keening
It's me
I've lost my meaning

It has been so **** long
I've recovered
Over and over
But like an addict
I relapse
I muffle the sound
Don't want the neighbors to know how messed up I am

There are two pillows
One between my legs
Where our legs should be intertwined
Where I can hold it to my chest
I hold it close and it silences my sobs
Unlike you
It will not abandon me

The other is beneath my head
It used to be
A platform
Where we could look at each other
Now it's empty
Listening to the gut wrenching cries
And catching the tears

I still cry
For you
For the closeness I miss
For the comfort I have only ever felt
With You
I whimper in my dreams
My partner shut me out

I don't sleep
You were everything
But now you scarcely even speak
You're leaving me again
And this time
I can't be strong
I can't bear it

You are my sunshine
Through the fog of depression

You are the warmth
In my frozen heart

You make me happy
And then you break me

Please this time

For me

Either stay

Forgive me



Or


Let me break my promise
Because I've tried
And I can't do this
Not with you not filling
Any capacity in my life

In some way I need you
A broken way
Like the young girl who got lost in the thunderstorm
Like I was when you first knew me
Trust me
Confide in me
Let me be your comfortable
As you have always been mine

It fell
Not with feathers
But a crash
Shards shattering across the floor

Thump, Thump
It used to sing that song
Now look at it sparkle
Brittle crystalline thing

Tread carefully
Glass cuts
Even the one that owns it
Or that possesses it

Drops
Splashing down
A shining trail on her cheek
A crimson pool in her hand

Accidentally breaking something
That is the worst
You try to catch it
And you are the one who gets hurt

Pick up the pieces
One by one
This heart is too broken
There's nothing to be done

You don't shine
You aren't beautiful
You are brighter than a star
And the wonders of your face cannot be described

Your voice
It is soothing
Smooth
And seductive

Your mind
Gods It is incredible
So much knowledge
And infinite creativity

You sing these songs
Only you know the words
Pause only a moment
And you write a new verse

You aren't a tree
Yet you seem hollow
You are not made of dead wood
But you act like you can't feel
The ache and emptiness
That show in your eyes
Hurt me
Your pain pulls at my heart
And I cannot help
I'm lost in the dark

It isn't that I can't breathe
There is nothing stopping air from entering my lungs
I just don't want to
I breathe and my mind tricks me
It says you are behind me
Your scent filling my senses
Cruelly lying to me
Because you are gone
And I will never know why

I keep on not caring and thinking hey it's fine
And for a while it really is
But then there's this little smile or this one special laugh
And all of the not caring just falls to bits

I have always been ancient
Too thoughtful
Always a mother even as a child
So when I first fell in love I threw out my caution
I immersed myself in him
When our time was done my old soul said wait
There is more yet to come
So I waited
And waited
And got hurt over and over
I thought that he was it
My true love
But then I realized there is no such thing
Love is a choice
And true love just means you stay loyal to that choice
So now I've found someone new
Well new to me
He doesn't know exactly how I feel
But he causes fires in me
I hope he doesn't hurt me
And maybe he will choose me
But I know no matter what
I'll make it through
Because I am a new me
I am stronger than I thought
I can survive because everything is a choice
And I choose to be brave

He is the breath I take that fills my lungs and wakes my senses. He is like the first cup of coffee in the morning. Every thing a about him delights me. His grump and bitterness and the sweetness underneath. He hides himself from most people but he lets me in and his confidence in me makes me love him even more. I want to know him In essence and in details. I know his humor and what will make him smile and happy. I know his likes and dislikes... Even his pissy moods make me happy. His entire person makes every moment better.

If there was ever a time where I needed you
Now would be that time
Let me drown in you instead of my sorrows
Because I am barely breathing
And the waters are rising
Every day it is more difficult for me to swim

I think that coffee is a drug
And it poisons my mind
And burns in my veins
I go completely mad
The cigarettes take hold in my lungs
And the heat of the coffee soothes
My throat feels less on fire
The ashes settle in my lungs
Tiny flecks of dust building up
And weighing down
When I breathe in I look at the moon
And the molecules swirl and dance inside my lungs
I come undone
I am a symphony in the darkness
In which no light but that of the lunar goddess will shine

Coffee and cigarettes and the night sky filled with storm clouds and the brutal blinding flash of lightning striking the earth fill me with a madness that pushes me to write and creates a burning desire to touch and taste and feel more to prove that I am alive

There's this girl
Beautiful
One glance at her
And you can't look away

When she laughs
You see the tears
Hiding behind
Her lovely brown eyes

She is so smart
Her mind as devastating
As the glory
Of her countenance

She cares so much
Her thoughts
Are always
For other people

She is so kind
But there is a sadness
A mystery
Lurking at the edges of her smile

She stays so quiet
And you will never know
What she is thinking
But know she is an angel

Everything about her
Is a gift
She is perfect
Without ever knowing

This is agony
I want to talk to you
But I can't
I want to tell you
The things that I found out
Would they change anything...

I don't know
And the not knowing is killing me
I can't decide what to do
God but I want to say
So many things
But that's the problem

When it comes to you
I say too much
I can't shut up
And it makes you leave

It's midnight
Again
I'm not asleep
Or even trying

You've been running
Through my mind all day
What if there's a chance
That I could find a way

It amazes me
How much one person
Can change
Over a few months

I don't recognize
The person who
I used to be
No longer is that me

I am strong now
Or
At least
I am trying to be

Instead of harm
I build
Break and build
That causes strength

I will be strong
Fight on
Push through
Lets see what two more months can do