It's a long game
Pretending I don't care
Focusing on other people
Because I can't have you

But now
It's almost over
I'm in the final stretch
And it's phase two

I'm learning
Getting to know you
As much as you will allow
That's all I can do for now

I'm done with you
With the pain you cause
If you choose to leave
It will be no loss

I have grown
I am a person
All of my own
You aren't the place I call home

Maybe dad is right
Toxicity
It seems to be my enemy
And on a scale of healthy
I am not sure
Where this would be

You hurt me
But its okay
You're my best friend
The person I care about
More than anyone
That matters right?

I just want
For you
To be happy
And not hateful
Yet you insist
On being a ****

I don't know where my home is
I have no comfort zone
I don't know who I am
Where I am

How is it possible to be so lost
Like a ship being tossed
On a rough sea
In a dangerous storm

It drips down my arms
Faster
Then slowly congealing
Coagulating
Stopping it's once rapid descent
The blood pools then dries
Sticky on my skin

You saved me yet again
Your promise
The one I made
It keeps me tied
You are my anchor
My thought
My all

I would spill my blood
To the last drop
To hold your tears
And to keep them from falling
I feel alone
But I know you won't leave me
You are my peace and serenity

I wanted to keep you
Some piece
Something
That was only mine
So I fused your marks with my flesh
Spilling my blood onto the sheets
Maybe this will dull something
Aching and burning
Inside of me
I only hurt
There is nothing else
I'm not good enough
To even help myself
You want to feel so go to her
I guess that makes me feel too
Like a dying ember with it's path gone askew
You are my everything
The sun behind a cloud when it's raining
The words on a page in the book that is all
Every light that guides me
And every shadow in which I fall
You were all I wanted
But I'm not good enough
I'm not enough
Not anything
Just a shattered piece of glass
Drawing my own blood

I am a boat
Rocking in the waves
I lost my anchor
Now I can't stay
I'm floating
But for how long
I'll crash into the rocks
To hear the siren song
As I sink to the bottom
I know for sure
There is no rising
Not for me
No more

I just want to curl up
Comfy and cozy
Someplace where I am safe
And sleep forever more

There won't be anymore tears
No broken heart
No one can leave
I will be gone

The box doesn't have to be special
Just enough to keep the dirt out
I'll stay pristine
At least for a while

And my heart will be dormant
Blank and cold
Nothing on it
No more pain

Just let me sleep
The rest
That lasts
For an eternity

It has been
Over a year
A hell of a long time
That To me you've been dear

You are my waking smile
And the dream I have inside
My last thought
When I turn out the light

I have fought for you
I will continue to do so
Because my darling
You make my life beautiful

Yeah whatever
You've made me cry
I couldn't care less
I just want to call you mine

A year ago
That is what you were
I was your moon
You are my sun and stars

In an ever revolving galaxy
You are my center
My air
My source of gravity

You keep me together
When it feels like I'm falling apart
Darling I'm no Indian giver
And I already gave you my heart

I don't want mine back
It's yours to keep
Maybe we could trade though
And then once again I could sleep

Knowing full well
I kept your heart in my chest
I could lay my head down next to yours
And finally rest

Do you really think
The scars that mar
Your once perfect skin
Are beautiful?

The bruises on your flesh
They must hurt
Why cause them?
They are not the answer

Would you approve of
A friend of yours behaving
In a manner such as this
Drawing blood and mutilating themselves

It hurts to see you
Your pain is visible
Let me help
Oh wait...

I am you
I can't help myself
Can't get rid of
The pain of depression

Save me
Help me
No... I don't matter
Let me help instead

I can scarce breathe
Tears clog my throat
There must be something
Crushing my lungs
Keeping me from freedom
I'm dying
I cannot
I will not
Grovel
I am in pain
There is this
Ripping
Tearing
Brutal crushing
Going on
Inside of me
Who I am
Has been lost
It has been crushed
Broken and scarred
How am I alive

I am starting to think
That maybe
Just maybe
I have room for someone else

I didn't think
That it was possible
But you are starting
To change my mind

Let
Me
In

I
Would
Never
Hurt
You

You're
So
Scared

Not
Everyone
Will
Break
You

You're
My
Reason

I
Will
Always
Protect
You

Never
Do
You
Any
Harm

I
Care
For
My
Own

You
Are
My
Heart
Okay?

He loved her
She left him
He tried to fight
But ended up giving in

She loved him
He ran away
Now neither knows
If she'll be ok

He loved her
She cut out his heart
He can't trust
Doesn't know where to start

They all say its love
But thats where I disagree
Love is not giving in
Not running not hurting the other

Love is something you work for
It is hard
And you have to fight for it
You can't give up

If it is really love
You don't forsake it
It isn't fickle
A whim will not change it

You will be loyal
Stay faithful
Put your lovers needs
Ahead of everything

Sometimes you think it is over
Sometimes you wish it would end
But you know
You KNOW
That it is meant to be
Not written in the stars
Not fated
But a choice you made
A choice that you make
EVERY SINGLE DAY
So choose wisely
Because saying I love you
Is a promise
Integrity says always keep your promises
So be a person of integrity
Fight for your love
You made that promise
That pledge
Now uphold it

The old tree stood
Empty
Dead on the inside
Going more hollow
With every storm
And every creature
To dig the hole deeper
That leaves when it grows weary
Of something as dull
As a dead empty tree

I am empty
And only you fill me

I am hollow
And I ache for you

Every silence
Laden with unspoken meaning
Brings me pain

It's a dull grief
That tears a hole
Ripping out my heart

Or the little pieces
That you left
Broken in me
So long ago

I can't love
Anyone
But you
You have all my love

I am a terrible student
I can't focus
I rarely study
If I know an answer I don't know how

I am a terrible employee
I get angry at customers
I'm not always in a good mood
And I've made a target of myself

I am not a good daughter
I've lied
Cheated
And I start fights and argue all the time

I am a good friend
There is nothing I wouldn't do for a friend
I would drop anything
And run to help a friend

I am a good girlfriend
I'll kiss you when you are sick make you better
Do whatever you want
Anything to be with you

I am a good sister
I will beat up a **** who messes with you
I will tell you when you're being stupid
And I'll do everything I can to make you smile

I am a good Aunt
I tell the kiddos how the Doctor keeps away the monsters
I hold them when they cry
And kiss away the booboos

I may not be good
Not all the way through
But parts of me are
And that is who I am

It's always me
My fault
I know it's not
Not really
Yet I apologize

You are the one
The one at fault
You apologize
But it's hollow
So I beg forgiveness

I did everything right
You took the good
And broke it
I lie alone
So so sorry

You are an addiction
And no matter what
I always come back
You hurt me
So I comfort you

You are the sun
I guess I am
Heliocentric
So when you are gone
I am left in darkness

I get so angry
Furious in fact
Torn to pieces
Yet I apologize
I'm sorry

Saddest thing?
I really mean it
I beg for forgiveness
For a crime that isn't mine
Pardon me

Forgive me
I am truly
So very sorry
Pardon my anger
Please don't leave me

I am irrevocably yours
Without you...
The world loses color
So I'll mend the tear
With an apology

I'm sleep deprived
Mentally
And emotionally
Exhausted

Things either hurt
So so much
Or
I can't feel them

I can't cry
My feelings have
Dried up
Like dust in the wind

My body
Doesn't even
Feel pain
Not anymore

All I am
All I can feel
Even in my soul
Is tired

This isn't healthy
I shouldn't crave
Not a craving like munchies
Or the random urge for something
My every fiber
Is starving for you

With you there is no pain
The problems go away
It's bliss
I relax
I can breathe
Finally

When I don't have you
You are all that
Fills my mind
I go insane
I can feel
So much pain

But you're gone
You have no feelings
Why should mine matter
The ache comes back
Blooming into a roaring flame
I can't handle this pain

The opposite of happy
Is empty
That essential happiness
Snuffed out
Like a candle

But the opposite
Of empty
Is hope
The tiniest little
Spark
That ignites a
Raging fire

For so long
I have been hollow
Empty of all
Feeling nothing
And now
I have that
Tiny flicker
Of hope
Burning inside me
Filled with warmth
And for once
Hope

Butterflies
With razor wings
Stitches stuffed
Exploding seams

Fragile heart
Beats so fast
You only knew
This wouldn't last

Lacey frilly
Lingerie
Torn apart
Night and day

Heart so full
About to burst
Every action
You rehearse

Want or love
Who can tell
Held under
Your magic spell

Rumpled sheets
Tear stained cases
A Lovers caress
Time erases

Ardently
Your taper shines
The problem is
Within your mind

Passion
Crashing
Falling
Bliss

Stolen heart
Given kiss
Then you left
You took my wish

Late nights
Early mornings
Heard my heart
Ignored its warnings

The love is gone
It's left for good
Pathetic liar
It's just a mood

Sick to death
Of all this fear
And pillows
Covered in tears

Seize the moment
Live for today
I wouldn't trade
One moment away

You love me
Or do you not
Doesn't matter
You are every thought

You make the rain stop
The days when it won't
You tuck me under your arm
And keep me safe and dry

When I look at you i see
The love in your eyes
The happiness in your smile
And the worry in your skin

I don't want to cause that again
The pain
The fear
The exhaustion

You love me more than I deserve
But now
I will try
To deserve you

She smiles
Sparkles in her eyes
Dimples on her cheeks
Aspects of an angel
Wretched and divine

Look in her eyes
Deep down
The chill of death
Her skin so riddled with flaws
A study of the being inside

She walks through the hall
Surrounded by followers
Known and loved by all
But known?
They don't know her

She is full of bitterness
Judgement
Deception
Cruelty
Abundantly flow

Her clothes change frequently
Every hour she is different
She changes her face
And her feelings
Her words constantly lie

This was my closest friend
She shut me out
Humiliated me
Lied to me and about me
Turned my friends against me

I helped her
Befriended her
She was my closest friend
Kindred
Or so I thought

Now I sit in the shadows
My light is a comfort
Hers a blazing fire
She will burn you
Her flames consume you

Do not trust so easy
Do not put your faith in the unknown
Keep your spirit to yourself
Or you will give someone else
The means to break you

You have been mine
Ever since the first day
Our paths entwine
Crossing paths along the way

You broke my heart
But I gave it back to you
Take and keep it
You're all I want

Don't let go of us this time
Though you know I'll be here
Even when you ***** up
I'm waiting by your side

You are my heart
And you make it full
Baby I'm beating out a samba
And it's just for you

i cant
i tried
i swear
this isnt life
i cant care

my heart is too gone
my chest is empty
my ribs rasp
my heart is being squeezed
held in a giants grasp

help
me
please
im dying
here

all alone

I am seductress
I am temptress
I am wild
Yet still a child

I am fire
I am ice
I am venom
And the antidote

I am sweet
I am innocent
I am young
But ageless and cruel

Kiss me
Caress me
Hold me tenderly
Oh I do like rough

Dominate me
Bend me
Break me
Now fall on your knees and obey

Pray to me
Worship me
Adore me
Pour out your scorn for me

I am woman
Confusing oh yes
I want something sweet
But that bores me

I am the moon
I hold its serenity
And the pull it has over the earth
I changed as the tides

I am woman
I am child
I am broken
I am alive

I look at this monster
One of your creation
Am I the only one
The lonely one
In this lonely nation

You bottled my sadness
Captured my tears in a glass
Held fears at bay
Brought a smile to my face
All my unhappiness had passed

Until that moment
My bliss had a limit
You stole my bar
And raised it
To beyond infinite

Before you I was a mess
I was pitiful
A runt in the litter
Unloved and insecure
Cast out and critical

Then you swooped me up
Never let me down
You cradled my hand
Warmed my heart
Your love was my angelic crown

I became soft
My hard shell melts
How was I to know
That you would send me
Straight to hell

It burns here now
Take me from this place
This pain kills me
I would die
If only I could feel your embrace

You take me to new highs
Send me crashing to new lows
So I love you from a distance
Safe and protected
In my cloak of shadows

You never fall out of love
But what I feel for you has changed
You abused my love
Tried to take yours back
So my feelings will never be the same

Cry for me
Lie to my face
Wither up and die without me
What I wanted you wouldn't give
So in this world I will find a new place

Why?
That is what
I want
To know

You said you loved me
You swore you cared
Yet you ran away
When you got scared

I love you
With all I am
I've shown you how much
As much as I can

Then you say
I never loved you
Shut up
There is no way

All of the months
I spent in your arms
There was nothing
That would raise an alarm

Then out of the blue
You lie to my face
Baby I love you
But you bring disgrace to your race

Boys are stupid
Thats what girls say
But girls are the ones
Who fell in the first place

With a heart full of love
I will wait right here
So if you ever need me
You know I will be near

I love you
You know that
The words I speak
Ring with truth

Why leave me
My heart is breaking
I can't understand
I didn't forsee

You hide and cower
Afraid of love
Yet you love me
All of this is a cover

Stop being afraid to live your life
Embrace my love step into the light

Usually genial and kind
Today your cruelty blows my mind

You taunt and tease until I cry
Makes me want to curl up and die

You are the big B
I thought you had my back
Wow... Stupid me

What is the point In
******* with my mind
We all know youre the boss in this joint

All I did was ask for help
Yet you kick me to the curb
Like a useless whelp

Thank you so much for the sensitivity
You inspire my revenge
To be full of creativity

My head nestles against your throat
Your breath warm on my face
Feathery kisses placed on my forehead
Make me feel at peace

Warmth touches my skin
Hands clasped fingers intertwined
A sigh escapes my lips
I am so glad you are mine

Wrapping around me are bonds
Your arms an iron grasp
Assuring of gentle affection
You hold my hands with a tender clasp

I love you how could I not
I try to explain but my words are locked

Freezing and burning
Wracked with pain
You held me
No worry for yourself

I lay chilled to the bone
Flesh roasting
Fever corroding my insides
You stayed with me
Warmed me when the cold hurt
Kept me cool when the heat threatened to devour me

You saved me
On my own it would have been unbearable
But you
Lent me warmth and strength
Peace when I was in pain
You told me I would be okay
And I knew it was true
That is love
Really truly love

You lay there in silence
Twiddling your thumbs
Never tried to make a move
I doubted the time would ever come
That you would kiss my mouth
All moist and warm
And take me in your arms
The second part never happened
But boy was I kissed
That is one thing
I am so glad I didn't miss

Your arms hold me perfectly
As you trace lazy patterns on my arms
I shudder
Its delicious
I love to hold you
Feel your warmth
And your chin on my hair
Your stubble is scratchy and wonderful
I love to feel it against my skin
Different from the smoothness of mine
A texture that I want to kiss and caress
But your lips I love even better

The people you love
The ones you protect and defend
They will cut you down
Break you into bits
Shatter the love that you felt

You were my sister
You were my friend
Yet over and over
Time and again
You have witnessed the love I give to you
And Seen only what you wished to

I am no scapegoat
I do not hurt the people I love in this way
I protect and cherish
I don't create dismay
I have loved you
For many long years
Why would I ever
Desire your tears?

I have never hurt you
Never told you a lie
Done everything you have asked
Without asking why

You take all of this
And ***** me over
You cut me down
And rip out my heart
You've broken me
For the last time
Now the only interests I look out for
Will be mine

I'm clingy
I'm insecure
I flirt
My heart aches
What is it all for??
Is there a point
To all the effort that we make

Alone time
Wow.... I've got NONE of that
Yeah... My life
Is so alone
Save me?
I just need someone
Who will stand beside me
With hugs
And kisses
To comfort my fears

Does it ever end?
Everyone leaves or fades
Answers are so confusing
Taken much too young
H**ow will we go on?

What is it really
This life?
Am I happy?
What is happy?

I spend my time working
School WORK
Home WORK
Work WORK

Will this nothingness I live
Ever change?

I want to write about being crushed
Like something sat down on my chest
No one will ever read this
But I have to let this out

When I am around people I am happy
Because I love them
I want them not to worry
Please don't leave me alone

I am alone now....
Rather than one heart break that will heal
I have a perpetually breaking heart

Maybe there is nothing sitting on me
Maybe my chest collapsed
Someone probably beat me to death
That would be lovely
Death by blunt object to the lungs
Baseball bat mayhaps?

Depression is a crushing thing
Devastating
Irrational
Fleeting
It comes to stay a few days or a week
Then leaves much later than intended

Please don't leave me
I don't want to be alone
This silence stifles my thoughts
The emptiness causes my tearducts to weep

At night I slumber
Wishing to be held
Maybe, there's that word again, maybe someday
If I am very lucky

This sadness that crushes will fade I know
But each and every time
It takes longer to go

I am in love with love
When I start to fall
I catch myself
I sit back and watch the spectacle

I love love
But have no one to truly love me

When I sit alone in a crowded place
That is what I am
Alone

As I sit my heart breaks
There is no pain so great
As love that is unborn

I see all of these couples
So happy and in love
They make the seat next to me feel haunted

I fall in love so easily
Because love just fills me
It is the song I sing
My offering to bring
And the passion burning inside

To have many loves is to have much sadness
Because they ended
But so much happiness for the wonder
That they happened at all

Apathy is a blight
It is walking between the worlds
Trapped in twilight
No black and no white
Only murky dull gray
A fog impenetrable
Made of tears from another time
Woven by happy songs that used to rhyme
You feel no love
Antipathy either
It comes creeping in
Like a spider
Broken jagged shards of glass
Floating in an empty space
Never colliding
Always trying
To reach out and sever the gray
You may wish to feel
More likely you won't care
Pain is a price you must pay
If you wish any other feeling
Don't bottle it up
The affects will leave you reeling
While the fog seeps out
Like jello congealing

I've been told over and over
You are too young to love
Yet coerced into professing love for everyone around me
If I can feel love for all of these
A different sort of love isn't so far fetched
And if I can love
My heart can break
It can be bruised, battered, crushed and shattered
I am young
But my heart is ancient
It bleeds for the injuries given to loved ones
It doubts at every turn
I doubt myself
When against a challenge
I will admit to a great self esteem
But when I think that maybe you disagree
My fears return magnified a thousand fold
So long no one has neared my heart
Because of the agony I see inflicted on others
Even now I watch tears fall
Her heart crushed
The ache of it overwhelming
Bearing down
Inhibiting her breath
I am reminded
Of that exact torture
Caused so ruthlessly
Yet I would live it all over again to save her one tear
To take away this pain
My own fears drive me insane
Standing on the edge I will gladly dive in
If her wounds were to be healed
My own life is nothing
Just don't let her hurt anymore
It makes me burn with every vile emotion
So young
So innocent
This first broken heart as bad as every one to come
I know they will come
But she is my little sister
It should never happen
If only I could prevent it
That is what I was meant for

The sun with his ever seeing face
Had never seen a being with such grace
He called to her
Come be my bride!
But she was a harlot
Never will I go to your side!
For days the clouds cried
Endless empty nights
The sun had lost his light
She was as cold as she was lovely
But calculating enough to see the gain
So she took to the sky
I will keep my vow she proclaimed
Never will I cease to cause you pain
My domain is the empty night
To which I will bring a bit of light
If you try to touch me I will make you bleed
Your blood is the cost of such greed
Hastily the sun agreed
But soon he began to crave
A single touch that she gave
At sunset he reached out
The moment his skin contacted hers
He was covered in icy burns
His blood spilled across the sky
In no more time than the blink of an eye
Yet morning and night
He continues to try
To touch the one
Who is his bride

They had been somewhat friends for years
He'd been around through her tears
Had no idea of her pain and fears
She never saw him
Not as he truly was
One day she looked at him
And her butterflies danced
She kept looking
With every glance
Something was uncovered
His heart
Aspirations
Humor
Kindness
His likes and dislikes
Each new discovery
Was a priceless treasure
Every moment together
They drew closer
Just seeing him
Made her heart soar
When apart she craved his company
He has become her best friend
But also so much more

I miss you so I pine
They think I've lost my mind
Absence creates a longing
Unable to be quenched
Don't think that I'm not trying
I just can't handle this
An apparition of you haunts me
Teasing and taunting me
Never set me free
You are my sun
The oxygen in my lungs
I may sound obsessed
That's a little true
No less nor more can I reveal
About the way you make me feel
Without sounding quite insane
You're like a fever in my brain
I'll gladly bare this pain
As long as your lips speak my name
Agony beats out apathy
I do not desire sympathy
My reward is your smile
For which I've searched all this while
It's the little things you do
That continually draw me to you

Hair the color of ebony
So spiky and shiny
Falling across your face
Makes me long to displace it
The color you turn
Reminds me of sunburn
I prefer you making faces
To displaying social graces
Your eyes shine oh so bright
Filled with evil delight
Specially in a fight
Your voice is a melody
To my ears oh so lovely
I really love listening to you
Talk and tease the way you do
A perfect balance
Serious mixed with laughter
Something about you makes me happy
This started out a joke
But thinking of you
Makes me all gooey
Gah how'd you do this to me!

We are compatible
In a world of even numbers
You are a matching oddball
Maybe even mine
I'm not ready
To give you my heart
But somewhere you'll find
I'm missing a part
You've stolen a piece of me
Not of my flesh nor bone
That little tiny portion
Has crawled inside of you
It beckons to me
Behind my ribs my heart throbs
Ranging from dull ache
To searing pain
Only am I free
When you are near
Your voice eases my troubles
In time you will see
A piece of your heart
Is inside of me
Until then
I will refrain
From calling you
Silly pet names
Goodbye My matching Oddball

The days grow longer my temper shorter

Houses are built of brick and mortar

Buildings collapse plants die and wither

The only flowers a’ bloom are ragweed and heather

This circle repeats on and on forever

What can we do to change?

To alter it in some way?

When light is closing and the day is done

We’ll ride towards the sunset on the open range

Home comes closer as the light is gone

At the end of the day one fact remains

Tempers still rise and cause great pains

Is it the change in seasons that causes the decline in civility?

Or are we so easily swayed that silly quarrels can ruin a family?

It is better to stop and think before we speak

Than wait until the havoc has been wreaked

Admit you erred when last your temper flared

Like a roaring tempest that resides once the damage is done

Speak up be heard your voice can be the one

That stops the chaos and quiets the shouting voices

And makes loved ones put aside petty annoyances

Loves forgiveness is stronger than any fickle fight

Resolve your problems before the sun goes to bed and you must say goodnight

People in essence are spiderwebs

Each so fragile and beautiful

Yet so strong and full of purpose

Each molecule is connected by a strand of the web

Each thought intersected

Woven into another

Yet separate, unique

There are no two alike

Though many are bland

So distasteful

Never living out their full potential

Instead being destroyed by tiny things

The fears and doubts that eat away at the delicate strands



Still someway somehow the rare few so complicated

Protected so carefully by their creators

Manage to hold their true form

Even for a second in time

They capture drops of inspiration like dew

As the sunlight fades the useless webs left unprotected

It also catches hold of the glimmer of inspiration

Suddenly transformed into a shining brilliant treasure

The web can maintain these inspirations

Build them into anything they desire

Or they may allow them to simply lay in shadow

Weighing them down

Until they come crashing from their position of glory

To a simple puddle of ruin