I am not but a flower
And he
He is the whole garden

There are days I could leave this behind
Pack up and go with clear conscience and mind
Yet as time ticks away I still stay

There are people in this room
Whom I know can’t be themselves
They sleuth and sly around
With super human stealth

I’ll start the string of confessions

I’m depressed and suicidal
And no one cares what I think
I’m obsessed and prideful
So I’ll never see a shrink

I’m strictly heterosexual
Which for some is not the case
Tell each other now
Before a love goes to waste

It hurts my heart to say
But I don’t eat enough
It’s the price you pay
When you’re stomach is a bit plump

To be completely honest
I don’t think at all
And when it comes to love
I don’t look before I fall

My parents drive me crazy
But I’m happy that they’re mine
My childhood wasn’t daisies
But I think I turned out fine

Imagine if we could be truthful
With our peers and those we know
Perhaps we’d stay more youthful
Without the stress that we don’t show

All you had to do was stay
but instead you left
and took a piece of me away

every night and every day
I think of you
and weep as I begin to pray

I was once in love with God
And Satan soon to follow
The Lord made me feel whole
While Satan more-so hollow
Neither could take my pain
So why did I bother
Their love was not the same
I was another lamb to the slaughter
All I asked was for a little push
God helped me along
While Satan with an ambush
Brought you in the form of a dashing smart man
I thought you were my savior
But instead you were a devil with another plan

You were my cause of death
You ripped from me my very last breath
Yet still I professed my love
I told you how I don't believe in a God above
Because he took you away
Not from this world but from my day to day
There is nothing for me to believe in
I suppose my life has been plagued with sin
Is that why He has forsaken me?
Cursed me and my progeny?
Let's be real, I won't have any.
I'll die alone before He'll have the chance
I'll one-step two with death as in "Hell" we dance

“Don’t ruin my artwork”
He said to me when I was still his canvas
But he grew less fond of my colors, now dull
My blues to greys
Fading away
The white washed over me
And I was no longer his masterpiece

I wish I wish with all my heart
To be someone’s sacred art
But unlike legends and fairytales alike
It’s not so linear, it’s a hike

I wish I wish to be invisible
When I enter a room to be easily resistable
But for some reason I can’t attain that

I wish I wish for a quick easy death
To never breathe another breath
But I guess I’m just too scared to jump

Lost in space
I find my mind racing
Chasing what parts I can still assemble
It resembles a time a while ago
When my days were in disarray and I searched for a way to find where I needed to go
So I stayed below the radar but some how not low enough and it was tough for me to be the center of attention
Especially when it was so negatively directed at me
My brains still races and retraces the thoughts places and faces that got me where I am
But **** does it hurt some times
They’ve committed no crimes against me or the law but when I think of some of the things said my jaw still falls and the drops from my eyes still stall in empty space
These thoughts reside only in empty space
So why do they hurt so much and cause my exhausted heart to pace

As the rusty metal slides across my vein
I can’t help but cry out in pain
Not the pain of the sharp *******
The pain of my mental deviation
The red beads don’t pile up like they once did
I don’t hurt myself the same way I did as kid
Now I have more finesse and poise
I make art out of my injuries and treat my blades like toys
They itch after they bleed but it serves as a reminder
Yet to my destructive nature I’m just a little bit blinder
With each minor slice and crimson lined splice
I attempt to soothe my inflamed skin with cold ice
Always scarring even the smallest ones count
No matter if it’s a scratch or a **** in any amount
I choose to bleed and hurt myself
I hide them with hairbands in optimal stealth
I deserve the pain I inflict on my arm
There isn’t a day where I don’t think of self harm
Age has no impact when you’re willing to die
You don’t outgrow these tendencies and if you think you can that’s a lie
It haunts you when you’re awake and even more when you sleep
You count the cuts on your wrists instead of counting white fluffy sheep
Stripped of my childhood I was taken too early
Twelve years old when I started down this path surely
Not knowing how my life would have changed
Not understanding how my thoughts would become so deranged
I look at my scars and I smile inside
I remember every event because with each one part of me died
Six years later I’m still learning to cope
I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but I do my best to hope
Because although it’s not visible that doesn’t mean it isn’t there
It’s like the sun caressing your face or the wind brushing your hair
Maybe one day I’ll make it out of this abyss
But for now I’m stuck with death’s kiss on my wrists

When will I find a love that’s mine
They say, “you’ll see a sign, all in due time”
But they don’t understand the issue I’m having
My emotions are trapped inside me gathering
I can’t see the forest for the trees
And I can’t keep begging for a man down on my knees

You came back into my life and I couldn’t take the pain
I love you even more
Yet your feelings for me wane
You used to feel the same
And it makes me feel insane that I still feel this way
Just ******* **** me
There’s no other way

Silently crying to myself
As my deteriorating mental heath
Pulls me under

You slowly forget little things about me
I’d never forget the way you move through air
I’d remember for the rest of my life how you sit so poised and elegantly
The melody of your voice soothes me and I can’t help but stare
I’ll never forget your lovely hands or the way you once touched my hair

It’s been years now that I’ve loved you
In the basement I kissed and hugged you
Though I was redirected to your cheek
My knees couldn’t help but feel weak
Your eyes they glisten like stars
Your skin like beautiful smooth sand bars
The sound of your voice fills me
And I get lost in you as you lift me
You press your chest against mine
In that moment everything stops, even time
I long to be by your side
Nothing else matters, I don’t want to hide
I wish I could tell the world that I love you with my heart
I wish we could just hit restart

My heart burns
It aches for your presence
I will never stop loving you
My passion is relentless
It's been a while since I've seen your face
I miss your lips, how do they taste?
The sound of your voice is a memory at best
I'll see you again soon
Let's forget all the rest

Another anger filled screaming match transpired today
He wonders if I'm serious about running away
I'd sail all seven seas to rid myself of the cries and the pleas that haunt my waking dreams
Although I'm dramatic
And often problematic
I somehow use my words to my advantage
In order to manage the situation
I mold you like clay
Hoping that one day you'll love me the same way I love you
But it's not true
I'm just lying to myself and protecting my mental health before breaking down
and falling to the ground
Crying and yelling my eyes are swelling with tears of the pain I've felt all these years
And our happy times out weigh the sad but when will the good days out number the bad?
I'm struggling to find my place in your no vacancy heart
I try to express myself to you through this art
But somehow the words slip through the cracks and roll like water off a ducks back
In one ear out the other
I wonder how my words don't completely smother you
And I do what I can so I craft every plan but they fall apart eventually
I don't know who you and I are meant to be but I worry
I can't understand whether you reach out your hand to hold me or hit me
Your words always bit me in a way that couldn't be healed
With each little fight your motives are revealed and I wonder how long you'll put up with me
The soot from our erupting explosive endless fights keeps me coughing in pain and lungs burning each night
Help me to see what I'm doing wrong
Because it's clear I'm confused and taking too long to figure out what I want from all of this
Whether or not your presence is bliss
I need more time to figure you out because in the same moment I'm filled with self doubt
Give me a second to recollect my thoughts
I'm trying my hardest to reconnect the dots
I need to take a really deep breath
Before making a mistake and dancing with death

Great, bloodshot eyes from another sleepless night
I know that it's morning since the shades bleed out light
I beg and I pray for sleep with no dreams
and a morning of darkness with no more sunbeams
There comes a time where we found comfort in the blankets
But what crosses my mind are the thoughts that you've tainted
You used to grab my ribs when I hugged you so tightly
Now every night I can feel that so slightly
I wake to the knowledge that you are not here
I wish like these dreams you would just disappear

I wish there was a word beyond “sad”
Because three letters cannot capture
The way my heart breaks and bends every time you enter my mind

The world was water
And I was fire
With each unbelievable obstacle
My flames grew higher

But you were my fuel
My burning desire
Now with every day
My leaves grows dryer

Yet the water snuffs it
And my flames grow tired

You made your way into my dreams again last night
I no longer try to fight it
Your presence, however ethereal, makes me warm
And by the morning sun from me you’re torn

the entire time She was there I just kept thinking,
“what does she have that I don’t?
Is she thinner?
Is she prettier?
Is she smarter?
Does she have a better personality?” Etc.
So frustrating that i spent so much time comparing myself.
I ******* hate her; but I say that knowing **** well I don’t hate her.
Of course I don’t hate her.
I hate her role in everything that has happened.
I hate the way she played a part in my sadness.
I hate the parts of her I see in myself
and the parts of me I see in her.
I hate the idea of being second best
I hate the idea of not being worthy enough
and instead being left for someone else,
even if they don’t get together

There’s no price tag on our friendship
Your skin is covered in gold that drips
Like dew off the morning flowers
The reflection of honey glistening off your body for hours
I yearn for the sweet taste of your lips
And your stern yet tender hands on my hips
Pulling my ribs closer to yours
Like a waterfall my love pours
Into a half empty glass
You’ve been plagued by your past
But I’m working to make you whole again
No matter how long it takes or when
You’ll always be my friend
Whether this love song comes to a bitter end
Or we prosper into a new tomorrow
I will relieve you of all your sorrow
Change your situation
Elevate your mental station
We were made to be
You and me
What do you say?
No matter what I’m here to stay
Traveling through life
Together beating the former strife
It can all start fresh for us
Re-spark our youthful lust
We are a quintessential dream team
I’ll light up your darkest nights like a sunbeam
Holding your hand or your heart
With your head on my chest we will never be apart
Dancing throughout the bedroom
To the songs that around us loom
Be mine forever please
And I’ll be yours with ease
You make me shine like the midday sun
And bring me comfort like the ocean breeze

It's been long, I admit
My heart still pains
Quite a bit
I chose to be happy without you here
Then lost my mind
When you disappeared
I want to say that I was wrong
To not accept your love
Until it was too far gone

I beg and plead
With every word
And deed
To rekindle our fire
And fulfill our hopes
And desires

Run away with me, O' please
Before we miss
The changing of the leaves

As long as you love me in my dreams,
I will be content in my waking life

I can’t live without you
You are the comfort I thrive for in everything that I do
The low hum in my ears I fall asleep to
Calming me like a constant tick I strive to keep you coursing through each vein of mine
You soothe my skin like a summernight rain
Washing clean the muddy cuts and grass stained pain
Bringing me closer to the moon hanging by a thread
Like a lighthouse illuminating the shore you alleviate my dread
And you bring me back home to my warm little bed
Your chest is the only place I’d want my head to rest
Without it I’d never sleep again, though I’d try my very best
But there will come a day and time when
all of that will be gone
And I will sit alone humming our song
Wishing you were there with me, singing along
Wondering where my peace and comfort went
No matter how many unrequited letters I sent
I suppose you didn’t understand what the words I wrote meant
You were nowhere to be found when I needed you the most
Abandoning me in anguish but then about yourself you’d boast
You left me alone pleading for guidance from the Holy Ghost
And even he ignored me
He wouldn’t give me a sign to see
Was this how it was meant to be?
I pace and pander
Through harsh thoughts I meander
Once your love, now simply a bystander
Yet I still wonder where my comfort went
Like all of a sudden my perfectly placid emotions were bent
Leaving no place for the bubbling steam to vent
There was nothing I could do to retrieve my companion
You dropped me off here to abandon
Scorching my heart like a *** of boiling water to place my hand in
Once on cloud nine
Instead on nails equally as long and precisely more fine
Oh why couldn’t the Holy Ghost give me a sign

I'm hurting inside for the world we inhabit
We protest, burn flags, but ignore every homeless rabbit
When will we notice that we aren't the only ones fighting back?
That Nature is retaliating against us and planning to attack
We won't even give Her a voice
She has no choice and can't scream Her warnings and pleas
Soon we will be banding against not war but disease
What will it take for our nation to understand
Why can't we work as a planet and outstretch our hand
To rejuvenate the few salvageable pieces of land
Because what's the point of calling for change when we are losing our homes to our Mother's fists of rage
It brings me to tears and it breaks my lion heart because I can't come to grips with the extinction of our natural art
Law makers are seeing what we're doing with our signs and parades
Now it's time we understand Nature's game of charades
Because as the volcanoes erupt and tectonic plates shift
Our nations grows more divided with a widening rift
It's all we have left as a place to call home
Animals are going extinct and in a few years won't be known
Soon will the human race fall from the earth
And our daily phenomenon won't transpire like birth
We need to see what our own world is doing
With each passing day Her anger is brewing
We ripped Her to shreds and broke all Her limbs
Then we polluted Her waters with our oil seeking whims
We aren't looking with our eyes
We aren't heeding Her signs
When will the world stop being blind
Pick up the trash bags and leave the old ways behind

Walking on water like a melancholy messiah
I'm on top but I'm not standing I'm sinking and drowning and my constant frowning leaves people asking, "are you okay?"
I'm fine, so I just say
That I'm living the daily dream
While in my head I constantly scream at the top of my Limbic Lobe lungs
Lungs filled with the water I supposedly stand on
A Holy Baptism bubbling inside me
My reverse Rapture to a Heaven upside down
Down down down
Sieze it and bring it down like a crooked crown
A king crucifying his kingdom with his lack of wisdom
Educated but none the wiser
Penny pinching money miser
Minimizing the gravity of the situation
Brushing it off when someone says they need a vacation
I know my station in this dismal world but my lights are dimming and my eyes are skimming the white washed walls for a way to get out but there's no way out and I can't understand what it is about this dreary place that leaves me feeling so in pain
It's insane how no one believes the things you say
Because "that's just the sarcastic way kids talk now-a-days"
Actually no when I say it I mean it and you don't have to dream it to see it come true
I'm talking to you, don't you see that the water filling my chest cavity overflows out of my eyes and I mask it with lies like, "oh I think I have a branch in my eye. Or it's just allergies"
I'm on the edge of my metaphorical ledge
Being nudged closer and closer
I'm the composer of my own sorrowful symphony
I'm more of a poser a bulldozer and situation imposer
An impostor by nature
Growing giant and gaunt green leaves that are speckled with disease
The type that sway in the breeze and are pulled apart by the lightest touch
A touch of pure bliss your poisonous taste on my lips leaves me begging for a cure
Something crystal and pure to clear my tainted pallet
A liquid ballad hydrating my veins slipping down my throat like a garden snake or a cobra because the words that cleanse me are the ones that end me and I choke on the cacophony of your cream filled words and sugar dusted desires
None of which inspires me to do anything except destroy myself
I work to employ myself with time consuming tasks
And no one has to ask me twice to do anything
Because I'm just too nice and I guess that's the price you pay for demonstrating your Holy Christian vice
Let me give you some advice
Don't take anything from anyone
I don't mean things
I mean words and letters that tear you apart and put snags in your favourite sweaters
Each vowel repeating like an owl wondering who who who could be drowning me in my own freeing fountain
I've climbed every mountain to get where I am
I am who I am
Each consinent a consistent reminder of my internal inadequacy
The inadequacy you gave me
The way you made me
The concoction of cosmos you used to create me
But you wanted to add a touch of imperfection and with your clumsy omnipotent hands you dropped the bottle and it all poured into me
And I'm left here with a shattered mirror and a it couldn't be clearer that I'm not what you wanted me to be
"Abide in me and I in you"
But how can I abide in you when you aren't there for me
When you don't answer me
When you let the floods rage within me and you won't part the sea
Don't you see that the flowing water is slowly killing me
But it's you
Your eyes staring into mine but you're not really there
You're no longer part of me like you once were
You don't care
I don't call your name the way I once did
Where were you?
Where are you?
Where am I?
I plead to the sky
The empty barren sky and shriek at its white puffy ashes
The all encompassing vastness of a hollow place
Knock at the gates but no one is home
Did humans create God because they felt so alone?
I can't answer that question
And time in succession to me will struggle just as fondly with the vicious cycle of faith and faithless
To bathe in the endless curiosity
Spinning at a sickening velocity
Wondering where the Lord's generosity suddenly vanished
Like the king who was banished from his own castle
Biting from that forbidden apple
Begging for forgiveness
But nothing except silence rings through the air
Wondering where He could've gone
Only to stare and glare into empty space
I'm scared
Because every living thing dies alone
With nothing to remember them but thick slabs of stone
Nothing but a waste
I've been placed to face the void
Laced with the inability to erase the sins I'm paying for
Salivating for one more taste of that juicy core
Hoping to explore what might lie beyond that gilded door
I'll get back to you one day Lord and I'll even the score
So don't start a war because I'll be armed with my emotional Peace Corps
Leave your arms open and the light house beaming at your shore because I know I will see you again
And although I don't know when, I hope you'll accept me and ask where I've been

I think of you in every hour
And with every site of gorgeous flower
I try to forget the happiness you brought
But in my saddest moment that is the greatest thought
It brings a smile to my face, what we used to be
How undeserving of you I was and only now can see
I have no words that can express this best
Except, you’re the last thought as I lay my head to rest

The mist often lifts in the presence of the sun
The same way my heart does, and the way I hold air in my lungs
You seem to make the dark days feel light
And when my eyes catch yours there is nothing better in sight
You make my pulse quicken when you touch my skin
Now I know how Henry felt when he looked at Anne Boleyn
Trust now that what I say to you is true
Due to our time together I've reached a break through
You really are all that I need
You coarse through my veins, so not to lose you, I choose not to bleed

I try to love each word
At the end of the day I yearn to be heard
Yet the verse falls flat from my lips
It bends and twists and in air it dips
And the meaning now is skewed
My words come across as brash and rude
Still I do my best to step back
To assure that my words have no means to attack
Though still I’m labeled as such
A disrespectful girl who says too much
I wish I could just be quiet
I wish when I spoke I could like it