TW: Self-Harm

Mummy,
My flesh is my own,
Grown and sewn,
To skin and bone.

But my mind is hurt and I don't know why.

As the metal hit,
On leg to wrist,
It painted my body.

Nothing could stop me.

It was addictive,
Yet I am still alive.

Why?

From one to two,
Then some to a few.
I could not keep score,

My body is now torn.

The world is spinning,
But I lay still.
Wrapping in thoughts
I wish to ****.

I question
And wonder,
Of a life
Given so sad,
And sombre.

'Why bother'?
I ask,
For fate
Has flaws.
Dark dreary days,
As the night calls.

For I feel it all.
Of my body,
In agony.
My anatomy,
It falls.
Yet so statically
It stalls.

Death is my father,
And I,
His daughter.
We bond like no other,
Thinking of each other.

My soul,
Punctured.
My heart,
Ruptured.
May life encourage me instead?

For my body is alive,
But my mind is dead.

As the world is spinning,
All becomes dreary.
Consumed in thoughts,
That finally **** me.

!TRIGGER WARNING!
(Mentions of suicide)

The wind caresses my skin.
One feeling to lead me in.
The tide
So wide,
I am feeling a rush.
Combined with hushed
Whispers of a spirit once crushed.
Though she thrived
In a landslide,
In the sea she is pushed.

To the deep waters,
She is finally shushed.

Resistance,
It is all I know.
Forks and spoons
Are all for show.

My taste buds,
Numbing.
My senses,
Succumbing.

To bitter truth
Of my body,
Crumbling.

My stomach,
Rumbling.

This is torture and divine,
All at the same time.

For I am blind,
And my body is weak.
Crawling with little energy,
For no meal shall I eat.

I will wait and see,
Who finds me,
In front of my reflection.

For sustenance,
I welcome rejection.
My body,
Now filled with injection.

For you mention,
That I
Am a section
Of what I used to be.

Leaving me
To feel like rotten meat.
But you,
Scolded my body.

Isn't this what you wanted to see?

I enter the room,
As I begin to stare.
I am enriched
And enthralled,
By your hypnotic glare.

Your hand begins to run a slow
Movement down my spine.
Tingling my senses,
Feeling so sublime.

How does one contain herself?
I ask myself in shame.
As you stand there
Patiently,
Speaking out my name.

You come closer
To listen,
As my breath becomes heavy.
I swallow
As your glare is
Driving me crazy.
So hasty
Taste me,
This love that we're creating,
Makes me shaken,
Awakened,
Stripped completely naked.

Your hot breath begins to
Soak my trembling lips,
So close,
So intimate,
I can now taste your kiss.
Your lips meet mine
So soft and divine,
Your breath,
So seductive,
And just so sublime.

I look into your eyes
As you glare into mine.
A glimmer of desire
Sparks flutters
Between my thighs.
'You are mine, all mine'
You whisper throughout the night.
As we go and flow,
With no clothing in sight.

Touching my form
As we speak no more,
We go and flow
Keeping lights down low.
Whimpers of love
And utter delight
We lose track of time
We lose track of the night.
As we crave and desire more,
Love from the bed to the floors,
Creating er0tic  melodies,
Behind closed doors.

Creative,
Joyous,
Carefree.

A life of a child
Is nothing but a mix of the three.

For when a child grows
And speak from their souls,
Connection is lost,
Becoming unknown.
Leaving the child to bear alone.

We mimic tradition,
Refuse to listen,
To the little ones who
See us as reason.

And as your little child cries,
You spew great lies;

'You have no place here in this family!'

You have abandoned them,
And Ridiculed them
To the highest of degree.

But all for reason,
That they are not the vision
you wish for them to be.

Nothing hurts when I'm alone,
As I drink the sweet poison
That empties my mind.

How unkind,
This substance can feel
So fresh and fine,
Without a thought to mind.
As I run for fun,
Through streets of unknown,
Not knowing who the ones are
Vibrating my phone,
As they text and call me
To come back home.

A smile creeps on my face,
As i'm restless and dazed,
In a hypnotic haze,
For one can only suffer
The very next day.

But alas,
The day has come,
And I for one
Awoken by a
Frosted memory,
Of one late night,
Turned into a horror sight.

Was I there?

As I meekly glare
At the ones who care,
Standing before me,
Beginning to stare.

I hear silence in the air.

Not one feeling I remember,
Not one feeling I forget.
I wake up in a cold sweat
Of utter guilt and regret.

These little monsters
Follow me around.
I need to run,
Outrun them now.

They run miles,
But never slow down.
Living in my head
Until I am dead.

Shall they follow me
To the grave?
Six feet under,
But there they lay.

Would they
Still have life,
If I am to die?
Would they still speak whispers
Into my mind?

For they are infested
Into mine.

But what am I thinking?
My enemy is me.
I am unkind to myself,
Left my senses to flee.

They are just a small
Depiction of myself.

For I am not them,
Nor anyone else.

One more taste,
Love.

One sigh
And I knew you were a waste.

Tough.

I crave your scent,
But you repent us.

Shame.

I am the match to your flame,
Your icing on the cake.

Mistake.

You have no choice,
Silly of you to think twice.

Nice.

Now you lie,
Wet in your tears.
Trying to hide away from your fears.

As your fear,
Is you and I.

Fine.

I guess i'll keep you with me,
For life.

If only one,
Could show me the way.

Without toxins
Circling my brain.

Without slurring
Words that I say.

Without praying
For my last day.

Without digging
An awaiting grave.

Without feeling myself
Wither away.

But today is the day,
I put this all at bay.

As I travel to the land
Of safe haven.

That is where I will stay.

I have been granted
The gift, of you.
A sweet, joyous angel,
With a heart made for two.

Your precious soul,
So radiant of light.
Beaming greatly,
From day till night.

My heart is full,
When yours is too.
For a blessing like you,

I refuse to lose.

For one moment,
I forget.
I am calm and free,
From regret.

I reset.
In the eyes of green,
I am hidden by trees,
Sitting by a stream.

Mind lost at sea,
I breathe.

Finally.

For one moment,
I am truly free.

The light,
It caves into me.

Chirping birds
And buzzing bees.

I feel free
Of sickness,
Sadness,
To the highest of degree.

The light brighter
Than the sunshine we see.

My joy
Taller than the tallest tree.

Yet it still grows,
Up it goes,
As it perches behind me.

As I sit
Beneath the meadows
Of yellow,
With children bellowing
Sweet melodies
Around me.

I believe
And receive,
Life's joy through my body.

I am in light,
And full of delight,

That this is what life can truly be.

We are
Born and bred
Into a life of dread.
We are oblivious
To concept,
Shaken by
Small upset.

We rely
On a human touch,
To feel at ease,
A pure ecstasy
To us.

A gentle hold,
Small movement
To and fro.
Whispers of gold,
From the depths
Of a human soul.

But we grow
And learn of self
Love,
Yet still yearn
For human touch.

But some
Do not recieve.
They must suffer
Neglect,
Lack of affection,
As one to another
Is hurt by rejection.

How purity
Is seen as weak,
Bleak,
And tossed by authority.

A desire so
Ravenous,
Brushed away
By whom we thought
Established us.

For one cannot live
In this manner of such,
As a soul becomes empty
Without the human touch.

I am useless,
Clueless,
Naive
And foolish.

I am a child
Of chance.
A night of romance.

I am an early-morning
Call,
A surprise to all,

Aren't I, mother?

One that can use no tool.
A waste to the teacher,
Within a school.

Aren't I, father?

A child
'Out of control'.
Seemingly 'too old'
To be consoled.

But alas,
You wish for connection.
How should I know of it?

I am prone to rejection.

Subjection,
To your own mistake.
A choice you made.

The icing on the cake.

But now I am far
Away from your pain.
For I live in worth,

As you live in shame.

Desire.
Killing softer souls
Then meets the eye.

Screaming,
Drowning.
Running,
Empowering,

I am all but there.

My mind flares
With ideas
That the heavens wouldn't dare
To declare.

For life, I do not bear.

Numb to a feeling,
Born too daring.
Unwilling to sober,
Utterly uncaring.

That is I,
And I shall be until the end of time.
Where I sit against a wall,
Dimmer than my mind.

Here I ponder,
Inside my room.

Breath hitching,
As the clock strikes noon.

Warm feeling ,
Gone all too soon.

And now,
I am full of gloom.

For reality,
Lives here in my room.

It is safe,
Like a child in their womb.

Dare I shake it off?
This feeling of terror,
And doom?

For life is my mind,
Cheerful and kind,
And I shall not live in gloom.

The feeling of neutral,
Is bleak and bland.

For I cannot fathom
This life of random.
This feeling of doom,

It is present
Yet seldom.

It is static
And paralytic.

I feel erratic.

Yet I am calm,
Content.

But my mind,
Unresponsive,
Perhaps braindead.

My sanity,
Decreased
To the thinnest thread.

As this feeling of neutral,
Has emptied my head.

Mother,
I am scared.
Life is cruel
And unfair.

I want to escape
This world of hate.
To lessons and dates
I fall astray.

Mother,
Please,
I cannot commit.
Not in this world
That I wish to exist.

I want to go
To the Neverland.
To fly so high
With Peter Pan.

But Mother,
I beg,
Don't leave me alone.
I am old,
I know,
But young in the soul.

For a mature thought
Is locking my heart,

I wish to feel the way I did at the start.

So here I am,
Learning and living.

So little did I know,
Before believing.

These emotions,
We are feeling,
Have purpose,
Have meaning.

And that I,
Right now,
Am truly healing.

Your eyes
Don’t speak the same.
They lay fallen,
Unable to look my way.

Your kiss
Was once passionate and sublime.
But your lips ,
As cold as ice,
Lay lazily on mine.

Your movement,
So rushed.
Our fingers barely touch.

For you caress my cheek,
One last time.

As I cry into your hand,
You stand away from mine.

I am delicate
And fragile,
My heart,
Made of glass.

I will shatter,
And break
From the life
Of my past.

My skin,
Snow white,
Not a hue in sight.
For I rest wearily,
On this cold night.

But I wonder,
And ponder,
How we seem weak
To seek.

'How 'soft' could one be?'
They say to me.
In times of hurt,
Anguish
And true defeat.

I turn to face
The ones of deceit,
As they look upon me
With disgust and grief.

'You are not as strong as you should be'
'Life is not full of roses and buzzing bees'
'It is indeed tough, but you must perk up'
'You must come into life , ready to fight'

How can one
Being,
Tend to agree?
On a life
In stone
And utter cold tone,

For one
Like a flower,
Will blossom
Like a tree.
Will flourish
And nourish
The ones
In need.

Will save the souls
That are lost at sea.

I am delicate
And fragile,
And that is who
I shall be.

Back to the start we go,
Life is a constant flow,
Of ups and downs,
Smiles and frowns,
To all the memories
we know.

Back to the start,
We say
As we become
lost and astray,
Tired and drained,
At the tasks thrown at us today.
Or perhaps day one
For some,
Feeling less than alive,
We sink and thrive,
All at the same time.

What a strange way to survive.

Back to that feeling,
We pray,
That it goes away
one day.
Or perhaps not,
As we sink and rot,
In the wounds and woes
Life has thrown and tossed,
To make us feel lost,
And truly unknown.

Or perhaps we are content
In life as it is now.
How wonderful it would be
For all to feel the same,
The relaxing happiness
That we strive for each day.
We pray and fret,
And live to forget
Of the thoughts that keep us
locked in
And afraid.

But as humans we grow,
Live through the flow,
Of light and darkness,
For the awaiting goal.
To finally feel at home,
Content with the flow,
Of constant changes
To our mind and soul.
But we live and thrive,
Breathe and survive,

For what a strange way we live in this life.

Dare I say,
I take it day by day.

Moments of play,
Sculpted like clay.

But a thought to die
Pops up in my mind.

My mind,
Once flourished
Turns decayed,
Malnourished.

It captures my brain.

Perhaps I'm insane?

But on the outside,
I am sane.

No worry
To come my way.

All is well,
I know,
For that will stay the same.

It cannot change,
I CANNOT BE THIS WAY.

But alas,
I am.
I fall ill
In earth's hands.

For now
I carry utter guilt,
And blame.

What a shame.

You were my safety.
A shortcut to heaven,
A happiness that saved me.

Perhaps you outgrew me?
You seem different lately.
Yet your eyes,
Speak a name.

One I heard you mutter,
But with a chuckle,
And for a moment,
You stutter.

But a flicker of reasoning,
Made me weak at the knees.

She was yours too,
Wasn't she?

Look at me,
Full of frills.
My milk skin
Gives you thrills.

Spinning around,
I show my treasure.
I know quite little,
But you,
Know better.

I obey and play,
On the bed I lay.
In your arms I sway,

On the shelf,
I stay.

Dear all,
A life lived is a task
No man can carry alone.

Life is a choice,
A choice we did not make.
But alas
We face the burden,
Once created and shaped.

We only make a turn
When our minds are at stake,
When life becomes hate ,
When happiness arrives late.

Some we lose
In the crisis of thought.
Dropping their weapons
To the battle
they have fought.

I understand you
Lost one,
For your vision is clear.
Your understanding of life
Is getting harder to bear.

Life is a challenge,
I shall not disagree.
But you are strong and willing
To trudge a treacherous sea.

I promise you lost ones
That life is a story.
One that will provide you
With an ending of glory.

Put trust in yourself ,
As you have given your all.
Life will reward you,
But we must take the fall.

Life is no straight road,
It entails many bends,
But listen to my words
Sweet souls,
As you have not reached your ends.

I am lost,
Utterly lost.
A ghost,
In my own body.
A memory,
In my mind.
A restless soul,
Breaking inside.
My joy proving to be a lie.

Yet here I am.
Breathing,
Barely feeling,
Yet still alive.

Can I confess?
That it wasn't my dress,
That led you to see
Me in my vest.
Dress to impress,
I do indeed.
But not to be stripped
And dipped in your sheets.
So you see,
Your desires,
Are your OWN to keep.

And do NOT blame a woman
Who you made unclean.

Just because
We are bound by blood,
Does not mean
We breed the same love.

We do not share
The same view,
Or see eye-to-eye.
You ponder in confusion,
Always wondering why.

Allow me to explain
These words of pain.

We do not
Share a connection,
We are not bound by the heart.

We are torn and broken,
Millions of miles apart.

We are fluent in fighting,
Storms and lightning,
Arising,
As we crash and burn.

And we turn.

Face the opposite direction,
Lost connection,
As we accept the truth.

Mother,
Bloodline is bound,
But I
Am far from you.

Here I sit,
Restless.
These echoes,
Relentless.
Shame
Crawling through my veins.
Leaving a mark
On my withered brain.
Too spiteful to care
For my weakened frame.

For I
Shall choose myself to blame.

For you I would take a bullet
Shot straight from the gun.
I would stand you aside
While I usher you to run.
I would slowly die
In a cloudy haze,
Knowing your the last thought
On my dying day.

For you I would bear your woes,
Until my mind goes astray.
Until my heart can't take it,
But for you I would stay.
I would take your hand
And place it in mine,
Hold my other to your skin
And stare in your eyes.

I would hold you gently,
Until you trust the touch you feel.
Put my hand on your face,
The other to your waist,
To show you this is real.

For I would do more than you imagine,
As these words speak no volume
To the passion
That I would give.
I would do more than words,
My sweet flower,
For no man like you seems to live.

But alas,
My lover,
You and I must wait.
As our lives
As we uncovered,
Are ten thousand miles away.

The road is long,
But I run
Faster than the sun.

I leave a note
On my bed.
Minds fill with dread,
Questions asked;

'Is she dead?'.

No mommy,
But I do not wish
To come home.

I feel too alone.

The road is long,
But I run
In the blink of an eye.

But where does it lead?
To peace?
Shall I run back
And cease?

No.
I shall run more,
Leave the others to scorn,

So mommy knows
My heart is torn.

But now
The road comes to end.
Sirens,
They fill my head.

They run with me.
Those men.
Chasing me
For fun and glee.

But they finally catch up,
They sound much louder.

For I see mommy,
Looking quite sour.

She brought me home
Near the morning hour.

I lie in a daze,
My mind is a haze.
I wake up in bed,
With the sound of rain.

But today's the day
I do it again.

Oh little one,
Your heart died so young.
Life can be a pain,
And you were stung.
You sought happiness,
In the arms of your own.
As joy did not exist
In the heart of your home.
Your carers,
Were made of stone.
Flashes of anger
Turned you cold.
But through this,
You continued to grow.
Be proud,
Little angel,
You have won this alone.

I,
Am lost.
Lost in this world
Of chaos.

Yet my mind
Has soothed me.
Like pretty skies,
And blooming daisies.

Feel warmth
Through hazy dreams.
Leave burdens
To die in sleep.

Birds pecking softly
Through greenery.

As I can only see
This world as futile,
And bleak.

But I,
In my mind,
Can live in peace.

My eyes awaken,
The day is sacred.

A sun arrives,
Slowly rising.

The grass,
Slowly swaying.
My fears,
Erasing.

This day graces me
With joy and safety.
All away
From anger,
and hatred.

This moment of life,
I cherish so greatly.

For i'm one step away
From a perfect haven.

From one night,
To daylight,
My mind in a haze.
My body in a daze,
My soul full of shame.
As not one moment,
Can I live in present.

For past,
Is where I stay.

For reason,
I recall.
You were frail,
Quite small.

Your body
Hung low,
Through trees of fall.

I rush,
As you're hushed in my arms.

A thrillseeker,
I am.
For your squeal
Begins to calm.

And now you land,
On the brim of the bank.

With a thump and thud,
Covered in mud,
I haul you strong,

As you're now a swimmer,
In the pond.

Look at me,
How slick and sleek.
A lipstick to wear
With blush on my cheek.

A corset tied tight
To cut my breath.
A queasy,
Uneasy
Feeling lingers through my chest.

You took my neck,
One hand down my vest.

But I look my best,
As you say to the rest.

I am worthy now,

I have passed your test.

If I could
Be one with the mountain,
Or one with the sun,
I would.

If I could
Send love
To flowers,
Bloom them for hours,
I would.

If I could
Cherish the waters,
Clean them with my bare hands.
Count every grain
Of undying sands,
I would.

For nature,
Is given.
A present
Tied gently with a ribbon.

As the beauty of living,
Is seeing Earth's vision.

This life I live,
Is not for me.

I wish for something
Broader,
A big as can be.

To fly through skies
Like a wondrous bird.

To step out from curtains,
And finally be heard.

And how absurd,
This life I live now.

Through the mind
I live instead,
Somehow.

Chores and rules,
I cannot choose.

I have no voice
In this house of noise.

But alas,
I bring hope.

It will guide me to cope.

Cease
And release me.
The fire
Burns freely.

Eating me
Slowly.
Fists open the
Walls of my sanity.

Hot,
And heavy.
Breath rapid yet steady.

It hasn’t left me,
Internally,
Destroying me quickly.

For you,
Do not notice.

But only when you do,
I am a monstrosity.

You are burdened
By time,
Your presence is unknown.
But what matters,
My lover,
Is how you grow.

Don’t fret,
Or try to forget
Of a time felt alone.

Be still,
My lover,
For a heartache is known.

But time ,
By your side,
Will guide your way home.

'Come,
Take my hand'.
Said the boy
That I,
Created in my head.
To live a little lie,
And go here instead.
Escaping my pain,
Away from such dread.
When I open my eyes,
I see nothing but red.
But I cave inside,
And here,
I fled.

He is gentle ,
Sleeping ,
Waking.

Tossing and turning,
Yearning,
Aching.

Voice unknown,
Only sound
That seems to linger.

Crying,
Screaming ,
A dramatic temper.

He is unknown to me,
Blood as cold as ice.

No rhythm in my heart
When I look into his eyes.

But alas,
He is mine,
And mine he shall become.

For I am young,
And choose to be one with my son.

From little dollies,
To sitting in trollies.
Sitting beneath trees,
In the summer breeze.
Not a care I felt,
Nor a worry to feel.
Just me and my friends,
Imaginary or real.
The delight of innocence,
In the simpler days,

As I ponder back to the simpler ways.

My love,
I wish you could visit.
Your smile,
Your laugh,
Is truly exquisite.
And I knew,
From the very start,
That you and I
Can never depart.

As not a million miles,
Can break us apart.

I live
In false reality,
So they say.
A world of 'nonsense'
And 'immature play'.

A world where one
Cannot be torn.
No heart to break,
Nobody to mourn.

For here I lay
On my bed,
To breathe.
Creating a creation,
Only known to me.

As Stars and moon
Begin to shine.
Through world of wonder,
That is only mine.

And this little truth,
Is truly divine.

The season of Winter
Has finally come.

Cold air and rain
Block rays of the sun.

A subtle stab to the soul,
Leaves bruising to show.
I scold myself.

‘Isn’t this memory too old?’

But I am truly bold.
For memory
Is not temporary,
But a rendition
Of a story,
We must let unfold.

And shall I feel it until the end of day?

No.

But acceptance to the blues,
Is truly okay.

We are empty,
Half naked.
Our bodies meet the eye,
The room is quiet,
Sacred.

You slowly walk,
Our eyes talk,
Your lips,
They quiver.

Your voice,
Makes me shiver.

I am smaller,
My body polluted in sweat.

For one magical move ,
And I,
Am now undressed.

I think you may suspect the rest.