Why,
Can't I,
Bare the truth?

It seems that the trees
Know more of my roots.

For outside,
Is safe,
To no worries or feuds.

But I,
Must hurry,

To a home with no hue.

Tossing,
Turning.
I wake in a sweat.

Remembrance of a night
I will never forget.

Your body was warm,
And I ,
On your chest.

Our lips,
Meet gently,
As we slowly undress.

Night fantasies,
Met,
As we fall into bed.

And your eyes,
Now wet,
While I throw on my dress.

Confused,
But sleepy,
We nuzzle and nest.

As the clock strikes twelve,
I wake in a sweat.

You have fled,
Out the door,
And left nothing,
But regret.

Your company ,
Is wanted,
Yet mine is not.
My words mean nothing
As they tie in a knot.
I slow walk behind
As you hold their hands.
And I know,
That I am the one you can’t stand.
Yet you make yourself known,
Like the lead of a pack.
But your acting ,
So greatly ,
As I hang in the back.

At last,
I reach the long-awaited shore.
I lay my body
On gleaming sands,
Rested,
Landed.

I open my arms out
As the skies greet me with
Glistening stars
Greeting me with their gaze,
Lying lost in a star-stricken daze.

Water begins to flow,
Aches begin to go,
Letting my thoughts calm,
Letting my heart slow.

Waves begin to break,
Body shivers and shakes
Though not for reasoning
Of pitiful heartache.

At Last,
I am mended by the sea,
Leaving my mind be,
Finally,
A wave to the soul I come to be.

At Last,
I leave the burden I once had,
Screaming cries for help,
Never heard or sought,
As I painfully fought.

Fought for love,
Fought for a souless sinner,
Fighting for life,
Living,
Coming out as a winner.

Never once did I cave
Nor leave no soul to save.
Never once did I writhe
In my monstrous cave.

But here I lay,
Ocean to bay,
I am free to roam.

I am finally home.

A flatter,
To tamper.
Bruises on my skin.
You loath in power
From a delicate flower,
Seduced by ruthless sin.
Frills and thrills,
Shrieks that shrill,

This was your proudest win.

What awaits,
Beyond my fate?

One cannot distinguish my state.

But you,
Of course, can,

Or so you say.

I am frail,
But strong.
Correct,
Yet wrong.

I wish not to join
The melody of your song.

For I am me,
And I shall heal.
From your ignorance,
Judgment,
And inability to feel.
For although I am lost,

At least I am real.

I am warm in his arms,
Though no heart he bares.
Full of light and love
From soft little hairs.
No words he can speak
Yet so caring and sweet.
His forever smile
Brings purpose to me.

When times may arise
With doubt and fear,

One moment I carry is the cuddle of a bear.

These twisted tales,
Carved in my mind.
Turned bitter and blind
From frantic fright.
Numbed from nettles
That poke me at night.
Accept the strangles
That choke me so tight.
Feeling only the dark
And hiding from light.

These walls
Have spoken a thousand tales.
Yet still,
They pound,
Like thunder and hail.

My lover,
Don't let go.
From sun to snow,
Through seasons
We flow.

Please , don’t let go.

Let hearts be full
In times of dull.
For time shall still
As our souls fill,

With love and light for you and I.

Now take my hand,
If you will.

And don't let go.

The silence,
Is heavy.
As is my heart.

I am surrounded
With glory,
And great works of art.

I have books of plenty,
And luxuries of many.

Yet my mind,
And soul,
Are somber and lonely.

As I have glory to share,
But nobody,
To care.

Here I lie,
Sweetly by your side.
Hands intertwined ,
Melting in your eyes.

Can we stop and
Stay?
Life is content
When I feel safe.

My mind hushed
By your gentle touch.
Wishing the fire
Would hold our gaze.

Cosy and rosy,
Delicately dozing.
My eyes drift,
Closing for the day.

But in the midst of night,
I wake with a fright.
The chair,
Half empty.

For you have left me.

Your words,
Taunt me.
An echo
Of your voice,
Haunts me.

You developed,
So coldly.
Proceeded to love me
So weakly.

Yet you turn,
To face me.
Say my name
So loudly.

Your grieving,
Of the old me.  
Yet I ,
Face you.

No words
I spew,
Only hurt within truth,

As we are torn in two.

I see it,
I feel it.
At last,
I believe it.

I watch
The shore break,
Peace,
Relief.
I feel the
Calm waters
Beneath my feet.

Lost hope
Regained,
Seeing faith
In close sight.
Through
Day and night
I reach
Closer to light.

Story of old,
Left untold.
New writings
Unfold,
Covered in gold.

Back to the start
I go,
Fresh welcomings
Mend my soul.

A sunrise
Through sour season,
A true welcome
To peace,
And freedom.

I feel it,
I see it,
And at last
I believe it.

From distance,
To distant.
My reflection,
Reminiscent
On what it used to be.

What it used to see.
What it could believe,
And achieve.

But time,
And change,
Makes its way
Through our space.

Plays tricks to teach
Us on life,
And it's games.

But we adapt,
And adopt at a stage,
Where we accept
That life is strange.

But all shall be okay.

Your superior.
And I,
Inferior.

A hurdle in your way,
An object on display.

A possession for your pride.
And I,
Wish to hide.

For your loving kindness
Was my demise.

I was once told;
'Your body is young, yet your mind is old'.

I felt empowered,
But it broke my soul.

Someone once said;
'You have quite a steady head'.

I felt proud,
But I was wrongly led.

'You finally settled down',
'Your truly stronger now'.

You may be right,
But I grew up in flight.

Running from feelings,
As they were seen as weakness.

Wiser beyond my age,
So obedient
And well-behaved.

But at that stage,
It was not okay.

Suppression ,
And depression
Made a wiser brain.

No play,
No games.

Just lived as a wise man,
Each and every day.

My love,
I built a house for you.
A sacred comfort,
A room for two.

Your woes and troubles,
Are mine to soothe.
The path you face
I will walk too.

And when I do,
I shall guide you home.
In the arms of mine,

You are never alone.

Here I lay,
In comfort.
Sweet soft blankets
Warm me up from this blizzard.

Nothing can go astray,
As I lay in dark.

Pure and silent.

But a small creak on my floor
Awakens my blindness.

A creature
With eight claws climbs clumsily
Down my side.

Frozen in horror
I peak with two eyes.

And to my surprise,
It is black and fuzzy.
A creature so monstrous,
It truly stunned me.

I begin to question
What this could mean.

Am I covered in webs
From what I can see?

Has he enclosed me in his small sanctuary?

I cannot seem to breathe,
As the silky spider spins itself
Down by my door.

I hide my eyes
Until I see it no more.

Sleep is no option
As he crawls along my floor.

I silently scream.

But alas,
He takes a route that is out and about.

Out of sight and out of mind,
I sink back into comfort
With a happy sigh.

For what a scare to endure at night.

Alone again
It seems.
Visions of you haunt my dreams.

Your rigged frame,
Locked in bed.
No sign of life
Through eyes of red.

Yet I speak,
Laugh,
And cry on your form.

As your breath become heavy,
My heart becomes torn.

The final day,
To a year of sorrow.

Weakness,
Now seen as strength.
Roads seem no longer bent.

A clear way,
I now create.
For change is ahead,

It is never too late.

Her lips,
Are mine.
Her eyes,
Sublime.

I think of her all the time.

She listens to my voice,
Her smile,
So nice.

But to my surprise,
She laughs with another.

My heart
Is torn,
Pushed down in the gutter.

Sharing happiness with others,
Is beyond my advice.
As this rachet jealousy
Is burning like spice.

But one can only learn,
For she knows I am right.

The fire,
Burns me,
Cutting deep inside.
Sparks do fly
As I speak my mind.
Trying to hide
This relapse of rage.
But it controls me,
Slowly,  
Like a puppet on stage.

The stars tonight
Rose high in the sky,
From paths I walk
Through quiet night.

For animals they crawl
And bugs they bite,
Not a moment I would wish for
That would feel this right.

For who thought my mind
would feel so mellow?
Passing fields of green
And flowers of yellow.

Joy fills my heart
Through this hazy meadow,
Greeting others with a smile
And a sweet 'hello'!

For tonight is a night
Of joy and no sorrow,
Leaving worries and woes
Until tomorrow.

I look at my wall,
It speaks no colour.
Bare,
Empty,
Since the season of summer.

Your soul left,
And I,
Left too.
But an idea
Came to me,
One lazy afternoon.

I looked at my supplies,
That were almost decaying.
I opened them gently,
And soon began painting.

Your favourite colours cascading
Yellow, green and blue.
The wall began drying,
As my tears did too.

For this mural,
Is sacred,
And I,
Am now feeling.
As another sun rises,
My heart welcomes healing.

Look at us,
Buried in dust.
This little love
Has died with us.

We had our fun,
Oh yes we did.
But your heart is heavy,
Too broken to fix.

For mine is steady,
But my soul,
Amiss.
As I turn away
From your quiet kiss.

We sit in silence,
Near the door we wait.
For one to open,

And the other to stay.

We ask ourselves;
‘Why?’
That ‘life was made to die’,

But if we continue to ponder,
We turn grim,
And somber.

For this question is up to us.
A creation of an answer,
One can trust.

As one can love,
And finally adjust.

You.
You are parting to the heavens,
Leaving thoughts embedded
Into my mind.

How unkind,
That death must welcome you,
To hold you before I do.

This cannot be true.

How alive I felt.
Your smile,
contagious,
And how outrageous
That you're being taken.

As you now awaken in a land of clouds.

But now,
My heart is aching,
Thoughts are racing,
I miss you now.

I miss us two.

My lips,
Quivering
At a thought only one can dread.

'You are dead'.

As I lay
Sitting in pain,
Grieving,
By your bed.

I wrote a letter,
For you.
A darling for me,
Caught in the blue.
Unknown,
Silent,
A mystery to life.
Though I
Saw through,
And found your light.

One idea,
To a thousand thoughts.
Some prove true,
Others are false.
Cruel or kind?
Nobody can tell.
Not even I,
The creator of this shell.
For my own,
Are unknown,
They choose,
They decide.
Leaving a complexity
In our evergrowing mind.

TW: MENTIONS OF SELF-HARM

My body,
My punishment.
This world is cruel,
And I,
The puppet.

A stabbing sadness,
Shrivels my heart.
Pain,
Becomes painless,
As skin,
Becomes art.

Woes to wounds,
The sheets I have bled.
As a desire,
So deadly,

Leads me to temptation,
Again.

Sit with me,
Just for a while.
I am no creature,
Nor am I vile.
I ponder and wander,
Sitting alone.
Perhaps your company
Would feel like home?
It is too silent,
But I cannot say.
My body stays quiet,
Through night and day.
As all I crave,
Is a word to share.
To someone who stays,

And someone who cares.

My pain,
Makes you smile.
Nothing better
Then hurting a child.

Your scolded,
Yet you resume.
Torturous
Each day at school.

And you continue ,
Until shame greets you.
But you pretend ,
And offend,

Until you find someone new.

My body,
Is here.
Yet my mind,
Is lost.
My soul,
Frozen,
Covered in frost.
And though joy exists,
I simply do not.
My brain
In a mist,
As my heart does rot.

Who is that
I see?
Some reflection as strange as me.

Too frightened to
Be alone.
Overcome by a sad tone,
Overwhelming,
Overgrown.

But
Who is this?
Who have I become?

No one.

A fact of a stranger,
Looking through the mirror.

Uncanny,
A weak figure.

But alas,
That is me.

And I,
Have withered.

My sweet,
You have crossed barriers,
We know.
I have held feelings
All too low.

Time has shut,
Made a clock
To count my hours alone.

Too fast,
Or too slow?

Only the heavens can know.

But you have faith,
Brought to your grave.

And I ,
Strive to make a smile appear.
Though grieving tears dent my skin.

But promises unlocked
Are ones I keep safe from sin.

As sin,
To your eye,
Is the blade of a knife,

For good riddance of my own life.

But I ,
Shall not die.

Only when time knows it is right.

How does one
Love and hate?
A sickly sweet
But bitter taste.

No sanity,
No self-respect.
Just you and I,
Bodies full of sweat.

We are soaking wet,
As you draw me in.
You're adoring,
And attractive.
Yet gruesome,
And grim.

But you win.

Your prize,
Is my mind.
And that is bold and unkind.

But alas,
I chose to try.
But you hid the key
I am too weary to find.

Again,
And again.
A mind empty ,
Now full of dread.
Thoughts of confusion,
Moments in illusion.
Following an order
From strange intrusions.
My mind is chaotic
With harsh infusions.

Feelings they urge me,
With wrong solutions.

'Your body is a temple'
Or so it was.
My skin now soiled,

Just because.

A shot in the dark,
A moment of lust.
Leaving me soaked
To the bone,

Just because.

I was your greatest toy,
To pass and toss.
Tears still stream
From moments i've lost.
No reason to find,

But just because.

Dare I say,
Take me back to sweeter days.
No worries
To fight,
Nor sorrows
To woe.
Just waiting
For sun
And the fall of snow.
These little joys
Replenished my soul.
And now,
I yearn,
For thoughts of old.

Your words,
They sting.
They float like bees
In the middle of spring.
Around they go,
From head to toe.
Yet I try
To swat them away.
But they stay.

And leave a stain to this very day.

Am I incapable,
Of love?
No experience
From a world so tough.
No feeling
Through a heart so numb.
Yet I succumb,
Accept,
And move on.

Darling,
What has changed?
Your eyes once glistened,
Now lock in flames.
Your heart once mellow,
Now lives in pain.
Your mind once yellow,
Now blue and grey.

And your soul,
Is cold,
And has flown away.

Nothing hurts when i'm alone.
I begin to drink that sweet poison,
That empties my mind.
Nothing hurts when i'm done,
As I run through daisy fields,
Of artificial happiness.
A smile caresses my face,
As my mind fades into blinding light.
Time flies by.
My heart races.
Not one feeling I can remember,
Not one feeling I can forget.
I wake up in a cold sweat,                                                           ­  
Of utter guilt and regret.

I sit
To contemplate.
A deep thinker,
If I do say.

A bare speaker,
High dreamer,
A true believer.

A small side of me speaks softly,
In undertones
Of black and blue.

Pointing the gun
And tying the noose.

Thoughts,
As I know,
Let loose.

Leaves me stifled,
And bruised.
Tired,
And confused.

Dazy and hazy,
My heart is racing.

Words of truth
I cannot unfold.

For a word shed
Is a word told.

And I,
Kept quiet,
Would feel too bold.

For my soul is now sold.

I walked this earth,
Unaware of light.
A blindfold covered my weary eyes.

From day to night,
Roaming all alone.
My skin,
Like snow,
As cold as ice.

But you came along,
To warm my blood.
Took off the blindfold,
To show me love.

I am true and renewed,
And grateful for us.

My thoughts.
So dark
They can’t be sought.

Little whispers
Cloud my head.
Triggers straight to my head.

Encrypting
Their teachings
Into my mind.

And I,
Now fallen,

Subjected to lies.

'Hold it together';
Says the voice in my head.
But my brain is burning
And rotting in dread.

'Stay steady, and grounded';
They tell me once more.
But I'm frozen in worry
Of thoughts that scorn.

'Concentrate now';
They shout quite loud.
As I walk back and forth
Inside this house.

My lungs have no air,
Yet I'm breathing just fine.
'This won't last long';

And neither will I.

I plea ,
So deeply.
To stop the pain
That can’t be seen.
To stop the rain
From flooding the sea.
To halt the shame
Built within me.

To let it stray and welcome peace.

A weight
Crashes on my chest.
Your tears
Burn through my skin.

No escape,
No rest.
As you slumber
Soundly in my bed.

A feeling of emptiness
Swarms my mind.
Your thoughts
Knock heavily into mine.

They sit and wait
Until I break the line.
And fix the knot
That just won't tie.

My fault,
And only my own.
That's what you say
In your dim dark tone.
I pick up the phone,
Shaking with rage.
You have my senses
Locked in a cage.
But I stay,
And fray,
For you know best.
Studying my words,
Like an upcoming test.
Taking my heart
To put it in rest.
And that is something,
I deeply detest.
Yet I still
Stay,

For my mind has reset.