A general term I feel
Though my mother would disagree
She would say
It's the perfect term to describe me

Life seems to go up and down
Like a mountain
The sun will rise and fall
As will the moon
Both
Like a kiss on the cheek
Or a stab to the chest
The kiss soft and warm
The stab twisted and cold
Dawn and dusk
A mix of light and dark
As both and all
Take from another
They betray us all

In and out
It hurts
Close your eyes
Beg
Plead
For it to end
It won't
Because
No matter what
You will always
Breathe

I'd do anything to make them stop
Over and over these intrusive thoughts
But my demon has a tight hold
And she's not letting go

Alone
For hours
My face soaked
Red from tears
People come and go
I try and be quite
So no one will know
I bite down
Choking the tears back
And alone I cry

I wake
To thunder
Crying
In a bright sky
Try
Don't cry
Sleep
Wake up
Work
Sleep
Don't cry
For today
Is a long day

Today I had a new sensation
I wanted to cry
And I couldn't
Now I'm left to wonder
Why

Its cold
Lonely
There is no light
Where I have gone
Alone
In the dust

Sometimes I escape
To a far away place
Where the screams are muffled
And the tears dry up
Where my memories can slowly fade away
Today I went to that place
And tonight I have to return
To my reality
Where the screams take place
The tears turn red
And the memories become nightmares

Dark cold
I hide under the desk
Eyes red
From the screams
Tears burn
As they fall
Little bits of light leak
Like fairy dust
On my skin
In the dark so long
It burns to touch
But I dont feel pain
Still nothing at all
I reach for more
I'm being selfish
But I want to feel
Something anything
I touch the fairy dust
But there is still nothing
So the tears
Continue falling
Burning
But still no pain

Run
I can't breath
They are looking at me
Hide
I want nothing more
Than to die
Fight
A swing a miss
If only for a kiss
Fear
For my life
I refuse to live
Like this

Eyes closed tight
With the sounds of the night
Filling me with fright

Be a good girl they said
It constantly plays in my head
I wake to my bed

And I smell the flowers
Just like they said

Red eyes
Dried lips
White icy fingertips
Cracked smiles
Hazy gazes
Blood stained phrases
White noise brings
Soft whispers
Playing games

Such a small word
Yet said right
Does the most damage

I can feel myself drifting
The white noise so loud
It blurries my already hazy vision
I don't know where I'm going
I'm not sure if I'm scared anymore
Or if I'm just tired of it all
My body feels so heavy
I don't know how it moves anymore
I'm so angry at me
Why cant I get off of my drifting sea
I don't know

I have these full blown conversations in my head
Of everything I want said
What I feel why I feel
I even get a response
Im here to listen I understand
But when reality comes crashing in
I open my eyes and no one is there
No one is listening and no one understands
I don't know what I feel or why I feel it
But at least I have these conversations in my head

Sometimes the light
Isn't enough to out the dark
Sometimes silence
Isn't enough to bring peace
Sometimes fear
Isn't enough of a warning
Sometimes finding someone to love
Isn't enough

I think about it everyday now
It's like a nightmare that follows me to the day
When I can sleep anyway

It sticks in the back of my mind like a cancer
Even in my happiest moments I still think about it

It would be so easy
All I have to do is pull the trigger
Yet here I am living with it

My chest hurts
Why can't I stop
Are you ok?
Smile say yes
But know in your heart
It's nothing more than a lie

I see my mirror ahead
Black stainless pieces chipped floating away
I can see myself on the other side
My long hair twisted with rage
My burning gray eyes filled with my mistakes
The scarlet red tears that stream down my face
The black from my soul slowly eating me away
As one black stained arm slowly reaches toward me through my mirror
I see it
My future
I feel the scarlet warm on my cheeks
As my mirrored hand slowly wraps itself around my neck
The sweet metallic smell of steel fills my nose
I open my mouth to scream
As I beg my demon
For forgiveness

I close my eyes
To be transported to a dream
Where I'm sitting on my knees
In a white box

As a black liquid slowly fills the space
I feel almost suffocatingly numb
It's like concrete cementing me here
Colder than dry ice
It slices through my skin
Like a sewing needle to soft cotton

I grab my shoulders and squeeze
Feeling myself start to shake
As I am engulfed
By my fears and past mistakes

Would anybody even notice?
A missing narcissist

Birds sound in the distance
Closed eyelids stain red
Sunlight brushes tanned skin
Smells of grass fill the air

A moment of content
Short but sweet
In this ending moment of peace

I pray
To heaven
To hell
Erase my soul
So another
May take
My place