It seems like a thing of the past
A dream far gone
Eyes closed with nothing to come
Smell of vanilla floats
Eyes still closed
But the dream wont come
Restless turns
Eyes open
Vanilla gone
Now there's red
But no rest

It's not the silent scream that scares me
It's the gasp my body makes after

At least now the weather outside
Matches what's going on inside

Today my demon asked "why won't your feet move?"

I feel my broken lips turn into a frown looking forward at my smirking demon I say
"You should know, you were the one who nailed them into this never melting ice"

As her smirk grows and a full boasted laugh erupts from her broken lips she turns her bloodshot eyes to look right into mine and says "No sweetheart that was all you"

A glance below
Reveals a mudded water
Reflecting the city lights from above

Tightly closed eyes
Squeeze out the few tears that remain
A wind so cold it slices through the skin

The pretend future flashes in the dark
A writer
Who's work stands tall with the best

As this battle runs on repeat
Sanity becomes a luxury
That can't seem to be purchased anymore

Is it physical
Is it emotional
Is it metaphorical

Does it matter
Because in the end
It still bleeds

Sitting here
Crying
Feeling
Nothing
Alone
End it
God please
Take me
To the black sea
Just for me
Sitting
Waiting
For death
On
The edge

There will be no more arguing
No more name calling
No more stress
Things will move smoother
No more worrying
No more panic

Things will get better
When I'm gone

Impossible
I try
But to no avail
To trust is to love
And that I cannot feel

It hurts to watch
Others trust
And turn to dust

Eyes closed tight
On a winter night
Cry away
With all your might

I told you
To trust is to love
And that I cannot feel

I'm not sure if pain is the right word
Maybe guilt is more accurate
Whatever it is
It's doing a great job
At eating me alive

They say it
Over and over
Its suffocating
Air think and hot
Like the blood
That boils
Under my skin
Again and again
I'll do anything
Even stop breathing
Just to make it end
I cry I wish
But nothing works
Useless
Runs around my head
Now and forever
They say
Useless

I want it to stop
Everything
Breathing, hearing, seeing, feeling
I want nothing more than to be void
I'm meaningless, pointless
No one knows I feel like this
No one asked
I wish someone would
Anyone
A friend, loved one even a stranger
Someone
I tried to end it
No one knows
No one asked
There's a gun under the mattress
Loaded
I held it
But couldn't do it
I think about it
Everyday
But I can't do it
Because I'm useless
Nothing
Void

My ears hear static
The sirens so loud
I open my mouth to scream
But the words won't come out

My stomach knotted
The falling sensation won't stop
Nausea fills my chest
I try and take a deep breath

As all my warning signs go off