Is it physical
Is it emotional
Is it metaphorical

Does it matter
Because in the end
It still bleeds

Sometimes the light
Isn't enough to out the dark
Sometimes silence
Isn't enough to bring peace
Sometimes fear
Isn't enough of a warning
Sometimes finding someone to love
Isn't enough

Would anybody even notice?
A missing narcissist

Today I had a new sensation
I wanted to cry
And I couldn't
Now I'm left to wonder
Why

I'm not sure if pain is the right word
Maybe guilt is more accurate
Whatever it is
It's doing a great job
At eating me alive

I have these full blown conversations in my head
Of everything I want said
What I feel why I feel
I even get a response
Im here to listen I understand
But when reality comes crashing in
I open my eyes and no one is there
No one is listening and no one understands
I don't know what I feel or why I feel it
But at least I have these conversations in my head

At least now the weather outside
Matches what's going on inside

A glance below
Reveals a mudded water
Reflecting the city lights from above

Tightly closed eyes
Squeeze out the few tears that remain
A wind so cold it slices through the skin

The pretend future flashes in the dark
A writer
Who's work stands tall with the best

As this battle runs on repeat
Sanity becomes a luxury
That can't seem to be purchased anymore

Sitting here
Crying
Feeling
Nothing
Alone
End it
God please
Take me
To the black sea
Just for me
Sitting
Waiting
For death
On
The edge

A general term I feel
Though my mother would disagree
She would say
It's the perfect term to describe me

Its cold
Lonely
There is no light
Where I have gone
Alone
In the dust

Run
I can't breath
They are looking at me
Hide
I want nothing more
Than to die
Fight
A swing a miss
If only for a kiss
Fear
For my life
I refuse to live
Like this

Birds sound in the distance
Closed eyelids stain red
Sunlight brushes tanned skin
Smells of grass fill the air

A moment of content
Short but sweet
In this ending moment of peace

Dark cold
I hide under the desk
Eyes red
From the screams
Tears burn
As they fall
Little bits of light leak
Like fairy dust
On my skin
In the dark so long
It burns to touch
But I dont feel pain
Still nothing at all
I reach for more
I'm being selfish
But I want to feel
Something anything
I touch the fairy dust
But there is still nothing
So the tears
Continue falling
Burning
But still no pain

It seems like a thing of the past
A dream far gone
Eyes closed with nothing to come
Smell of vanilla floats
Eyes still closed
But the dream wont come
Restless turns
Eyes open
Vanilla gone
Now there's red
But no rest

I'd do anything to make them stop
Over and over these intrusive thoughts
But my demon has a tight hold
And she's not letting go

Red eyes
Dried lips
White icy fingertips
Cracked smiles
Hazy gazes
Blood stained phrases
White noise brings
Soft whispers
Playing games

It's not the silent scream that scares me
It's the gasp my body makes after

There will be no more arguing
No more name calling
No more stress
Things will move smoother
No more worrying
No more panic

Things will get better
When I'm gone

I pray
To heaven
To hell
Erase my soul
So another
May take
My place

I wake
To thunder
Crying
In a bright sky
Try
Don't cry
Sleep
Wake up
Work
Sleep
Don't cry
For today
Is a long day

Life seems to go up and down
Like a mountain
The sun will rise and fall
As will the moon
Both
Like a kiss on the cheek
Or a stab to the chest
The kiss soft and warm
The stab twisted and cold
Dawn and dusk
A mix of light and dark
As both and all
Take from another
They betray us all

Sometimes I escape
To a far away place
Where the screams are muffled
And the tears dry up
Where my memories can slowly fade away
Today I went to that place
And tonight I have to return
To my reality
Where the screams take place
The tears turn red
And the memories become nightmares

I want it to stop
Everything
Breathing, hearing, seeing, feeling
I want nothing more than to be void
I'm meaningless, pointless
No one knows I feel like this
No one asked
I wish someone would
Anyone
A friend, loved one even a stranger
Someone
I tried to end it
No one knows
No one asked
There's a gun under the mattress
Loaded
I held it
But couldn't do it
I think about it
Everyday
But I can't do it
Because I'm useless
Nothing
Void

My ears hear static
The sirens so loud
I open my mouth to scream
But the words won't come out

My stomach knotted
The falling sensation won't stop
Nausea fills my chest
I try and take a deep breath

As all my warning signs go off

In and out
It hurts
Close your eyes
Beg
Plead
For it to end
It won't
Because
No matter what
You will always
Breathe