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Spencer Carlson May 2015
I'm writing this now as I don't think I can continue much longer.
All the things that made me happy growing up are becoming pinpoint memories, stabbing at the feeling my life has become meaningless.

I remember my sixth, or seventh birthday.
When all my six or seven year old friends came over to play at one of the only non-million dollar houses Kirkland Washington had left.
I had a Thomas the Engine Tanker cake and we took the Oreo wheels and threw them around and over trees.
My next door neighbor was my best friend and we would always have something fun to do.

I remember accidently stepping on my grandfather's new shoes and leaving a smudge on his new shoes.
So he thought it was fair to pick me up by foot and spank me while I dangle from his grip.
He's dead now, and I could care less as I was never allowed alone around him after that.

I remember the first time I decided school wasn't worth it.
I was given a choice to join honors in fifth grade but turned it down as i was told the extra homework would interfere with my precious video games.
I don't even remember what games I played back then.
Roller Coaster Tycoon and Age of Empires Two I suppose.

At that time I wasn't thinking about my future or what I should grow up and become.

I miss high school and I wish I could live it on repeat.
Back when I was wild, free and possibly ADHD, I still don't know if that is a real thing.
I remember band class, everyone would always expect me to harass the teacher or make an idiot of myself for a joke.
And I didn't care if I looked like an idiot.
I obviously didn't care if I was the idiot as my grades were always poor but never shackled me down in stress.
Only my parents did that.

I remember Giles Stanton, my Senior English teacher, who looked at me with mild boredom and said, "The real world will eat you alive."
That still haunts me to do this day as I always thought he was the coolest teacher there.
But it was just a joke, I shouldn't get butthurt.

At that time I wasn't thinking about my future or what I should grow up and become.

I remember going to community college and it all changed.
My careless, free spirited attitude was no longer praised or loved but rather chastised and questioned.
For I was at college and it was time to act like an adult.
But I still loved it, studying music theory and playing music.
Excited as I was about to start working on my first album.
The dreams of being a rockstar, or maybe just a folkstar were in my brain and I couldn't give them up.
All I cared about was music and video games.
All other general education classes couldn't hold my attention, even after the third time I took them I couldn't pass.

After two years and my first two attempts on my life I went to go see a therapist.
It was the usual for most people my age, some form of ADD and depression.
I was going to do it with a pen, push it deep into my throat and drag it across my neck.
A pen was all I could find.

At that time I wasn't thinking about my future, only that I wanted to make music and nothing else.

After sometime I went back to college and everything was different.
My brain was slightly comatose on Zoloft and some sort of ADHD med.
I could concentrate, but the harder I did, the more it came into being that I was no longer me anymore.
Some bag of bones carrying around a dying child inside.
I was tamed.
My only release was music, which I guess had gotten better now that my mind could focus even more.

I still never got my two year degree.
Only student loans.
With all those meds I still couldn't finish school.

I wasn't thinking about my future, only that I wanted to be a musician and thought I had a real chance.

And now I live with roommates in Seattle.
Breaking my back lifting boxes at UPS while trying to figure out my second job.
Probably only to need a third job.
All I do while I work is day dream about when I was younger and still had a chance to attack life and own it.
Now I merely walk through it with an open wound that I'm scrambling to sew shut.

I'm thinking about my future now, and I honestly can't say that I'll have one for much longer.
Spencer Carlson Apr 2015
Heavens bow down, Mother Nature's come 'round
To give up her crown to the beauty I've found
Walked out alone, to find my own way
Came across you and I knew should stay
Eyes like a spark, you took my own heart
Replaced it with love, The grew right at the start

And I wish I could see my Danish girl
But she on the other side of the world
I wish I could love my Danish girl

Hopeless romantic yet you keep me around
Up in the clouds yet you pull me down
Turn my sorrow into a pretty song
Something I listen to all day long

And Love doesn't know distance
It only makes it that much worse
Spencer Carlson Feb 2015
All you want to listen to is "happy music"
Its making me sick
Like an echoing cadence of grandiose sunshine infiltrating my soul

Can you play some Slayer?
Do you even have an ember
of anger that savors your desires for something more
Break down the barriers and make it Rain Blood
I want to see your smile turn evil in a rotation of your
brows that marquee your plastic, practiced face

Can you play some Elliott Smith?
Bleed the truth and don't hide it
The longing for fairness in a world you can't control
I'll keep them still, yet still
you hide behind this mask that you think no one can penetrate

I want you to call for what is just
yet you just
listen to **** like Katy Perry
Her mindless jingles bounces off the wall
Like natural ****, distracting yet they hold nothing for you

I'm glad you're happy
But I need something genuine
If I can't know the real you
How can I be your friend?
Spencer Carlson Feb 2015
On my own
I venture out
On to the world of my own doubt
World of wonder
That I will know
When I figure it all out

I am what I am
I'll except that now
Playing with a broken hand
I'll make it work somehow

Clearing mountains
I try to keep up my own pace
Running down
Seattle hills
Just to feel the wind on my face

I am what I am
I'll except that now
Playing with a broken hand
I'll make it work somehow

And don't you leave me alone,
I'm here
The vultures come in like crows
And disappear
They feed off my heart
And my fear
But I'll stay strong
I'll remain so strong
Work in progress
Spencer Carlson Feb 2015
I constantly dream about you
When I'm awake I can control myself
It's as if my mind's sub-conscience
Knows to strike when I'm at my weakest

I traveled the world on the back of a Spartan hover car
I traversed icy mountains with leather backed baloths
Renee was trying to get us to meet together
I think what has happened also hurt her

I found you in a city where they sprayed painted
bricks on the wall of an unfinished Big Ben
My heart knew what was coming and my
brain could only wait for when
The sunlight glared off my glasses
When I swear I could see you
Abra called my name and told me I had
to go somewhere else

So we submerged under the ice
In the submarine Northern Lights
I was learning about the magic of fireworks
When a struck our core and the hull did burst
Floating around a whale swallowed me hole
I walked down its throat in a room so cold
And I saw you there with open arms
Waved away fears and all alarms

Until I woke up to a boring world
Bed was stale and air was cold
Realizing only when I sleep is when
I'll ever be able to see you again
Spencer Carlson Jan 2015
Soon, I'll make it stop
Soon I'll make it all stop
Spencer Carlson Jan 2015
When I opened the door and saw you for the first time
My heart kept me from being able to speak
My love kept me quiet, but do not doubt it
Its there

When I finally collected the words
I was still afraid to speak them
Afraid to make you think I was some kind of
Highway thief. There to steal your most intimate affair
You welcomed me into your bedroom
Unsure of where it might lead
But all I wanted was to make sure you felt loved

Not the embrace of a selfish lover
Who comes to you opening the door without knocking
Who expects his cup to be filled without asking
He knows nothing of love, only of possession

You were so inviting

Your mind is so beautiful
Your eyes represent your soul in their beauty
You lips are soft yet
Your smile is so strong
Just like your passion for creativity and life it's self
Whether it's your life or others

I just want you to feel respected
I just want you to feel loved
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