nothing leaves a more sour taste than knowing you miss loving who someone once was and that they've evolved into a stranger

i don't want to know your name
nor do i care who the ******* are, what makes you you
and i don't want to know that you can't eat spaghettios anymore because they made you throw up one time a couple years ago;
i'm not curious about your little secrets
and i certainly dont give a **** about your family tree

and i'll gently hold your face in my hands one more time tonight,
but you shouldn't expect to pick apart my brain after the lights turn on and the music stops playing  

( i watched my sanity drop like a disco ball onto your cement floor into ten million little pieces while the cats licked them off the ground and i just sat there and watched, i couldn't even move. )

spinning on an island sat a little girl in blue,
the ocean gave her nightmares and she didn't know what to do

she never learned to swim so she sat and watched the waves
and when they made her angry her mom would yell "behave"

but how could she control it, her mind would turn to red
each crash would start to mock her, their sound stuck in her head

she'd kick and scream throughout her dreams and wake up on the floor
and cry when she awoke because she'd had this one before

******* she'd yell, AND LET ME BE but cursing was a sin
she'd wash her mouth with soap once more, the sea would always win

and this is how walls get built up a mile high;
when you leave the backdoor unlocked for someone and they come in and step on every precious flower you've been watching grow each morning when you wake-
and you can't tape it back together its just dead

and they spilt red wine all over your white fur and laughed while you frantically tried to clean up the whole **** mess;

give up.

go ahead and smoke a cigarette and give up.
that stain isn't going anywhere and cleaning it won't do a **** thing, will it?

holy hell you're the bad acid trip i never asked for;
the spins after a bad night of drinking or the stranger in the alley way when you're walking home alone.
you were the spam email that wouldn't stop popping up all over my home computer while i yelled at the screen in sixth grade
you're the bad chicken nugget at mcdonalds you bite into and say oh **** what the **** is this and suddenly question if you should make yourself throw up
you're a toothache, headache, heartache, literally any synonym for something terrible or painful.

i have no beautiful words to describe you, no nothing.

the thought of kissing you ever again makes me want to throw up.

It's not fair that you get to be on my mind when I don't want you here; I feel like a kid stuck in a three hour long car ride screaming how much longer will this freaking last ten minutes into the everlasting journey into a black hole to a relatives house I never asked to go visit.

How long do you get to be in my **** mind until I can wake up without the taste of your name on my tongue

i don't want to hold this anger in fact i'd like to let it shoot out of my palms onto anything, any surface, any face whatever the **** it takes just get the **** out of my head

I hate stomping on sparks,
Trying to be the first to erase
The butterflies
Choosing logic over the shared
Eye contact that made your heart
Thump as loud as the music playing
In your brain while your happiness
Danced around the room

But I'll stomp anyways so you don't crush me

What a happy thought;
As I'm overwhelmed with fear as our plane shakes with turbulence left to right I suddenly hear the sweet sound of children giggling with joy, having no clue how high in the air we are or what the possibility of this could all mean.

I'll trade you my heavy heart for your fresh perspective

ive got a lump in my throat in the shape of your ***** socks and my head can't stand the smell; your smell crowding my thoughts as I try to do quite literally anything. Anything at all without your name nagging me like a homeless man at a stoplight that just turned red as you sink in your seat knowing this **** voice is not going to get off of my back.

How the **** do I flip my brain upside down to get a green light, anything to let me just breathe a silent thought without smelling your name

****
It's hitting me and it's hitting me hard as I unpack the shoes you'd always tell me to wear into this new and vacant room, no mattress no furniture as you sleep in the bed I slept in for over a year. And who knows who will sleep there from now on and **** they better appreciate how perfect your cats are or that you don't snore in your sleep like a lot of boys do.

But that's the thing, I fell in love with a silly stupid boy. Women do not date boys. I should not have dated a boy.

******* I just feel so heavy
Like a wet paper towel falling apart
As I replay the past year and a half through my beat up memory I let you use as your personal punching bag for far too long

and as i let me palms ease open and you fly away to whatever planet youre off to again, i find a part of me running back. cart wheeling and dancing and screaming i've always loved you and you were always more than what you settled for. i've found a part of myself that cant contain its excitement to start new, to start fresh, to be whoever the **** i want to be. to kiss a stranger to have a lover who actually would fall in love with all my little flaws and mistakes and not silently criticize anything that floated in my brain. welcome home happiness, goodmorning freedom.

I've never been so certain and confused all at the same time, and I can't tell you the last time I was even able to write. you blocked that part off from myself somehow. you made me mute. you made me beige. you made me a mom in khakis wearing a ***** pack who went to sleep at 8 pm to be safe; you made me safe in the worst way. you made me feel little. you made me feel less. and somehow in a way that i didn't even realize what was happening, i just wanted to make it work. i just wanted to be a flower that grew into a jungle but i was just a cactus in the living room you kept around because you only had to water me once in a while and if you forgot it was okay, I'd survive. I'd still be there. I'd still be beige and mute and anything you wanted me to be sitting happily. ****.

what a feeling; when everything adds up.
when the fog clears and you see where you stand.
when the lights come on at the club and you see everyones face.
when you open your mcdonalds bag to find the wrong order.
when you get that test back and you got a C
when you order sprite and it ends up being water
when i jump in the ocean and its still a couple weeks early
when you realize youre not enough for someone, but you could be everything to someone new

You've lost your spark. the twinkle in your eye was just a reflection of your phone lighting up as you texted someone irrelevant and the orchestra of sweet melodies that filled my heart was just a spotify playlist i made and put on at the right time. and i thought the warmth of your touch was all i needed to feel alive when i was too **** cold outside and maybe anything couldve been enough.

except for me; i was never enough for you was i?

my thoughts shout so loud i can't even understand what exactly they're all screaming, clutter clutter clutter

and i wonder what it'll feel like tonight as i sleep alone, knowing i too am alone for the first time in what feels so long- that your foot wont be there to touch mine and i can't hold on to you when i'm having a bad dream. i wonder if my thoughts will still yell so loudly or if there too I'll find silence.

i cannot fathom life without you but i surely will have to start

sweet oxygen fills me lungs
as i inhale a new start, a fresh
perspective of all that ive known
as i exhale your spite and
how i've always been second
best in your eyes.

darling i am much more than second best, and i cannot wait to love myself again.

he said i see it wrong,
i guess i'm upside down
but i was looking up
and he was on the ground

Dramatic ecstatic and all in between
You don't get your cake and you start to scream
Tomorrow you hate me today I am gold
But you are the one who claims this is old

it's that little voice inside your head that screams anything is possible ******, go shave your head go kiss that human that looks so beautiful tonight. It doesn't matter who you are today if you want to be someone new tomorrow. i find glowing and growing with this unattainable energy each time I visit the big apple seeing one thousand faces today I'll never see again past this moment.

we are so ******* little in the bigger scheme of life, in the most beautiful, unique, unrepeatable way.

you used to write when drunk
and edit when you're sober
but leaf subsides to leaf
since every things been over
you only see her face
you only write her love
her dancing grin she'd flash you
and all of the above

and theres something about your electric sound that makes me believe I could be anyone, or anywhere.

and i can't explain it, everything becomes attractive as your melody dances around the room and wraps me in it's cotton candy bubble wrap, giggling and flirting with my brain as it melts like the neon lava cake i've always known it to be

and i'll play it over and over and over and over again while you're showing your beat to someone on the other side of the country

he was the kind of beautifully terrifying you can't seem to let leave your head after you've met and their every move stains your brain as you replay it over and over. i don't know the last time someone excited me just by being their self so unintentionally - you can only hope you hold that kind of power when you waltz in and out of somones life like that.

guess what? there’s so many people out there who are way better than you in so many different ways and that’s alright because there’s also hundreds of cities with thousands of people you’ve never met who would be madly in love with you for being exactly as you are today and if that doesn’t excite the **** out of you I’m not sure what will

the stars are spitting gold
its landing on the trees
and falling in the river
then shaking all our knees

you sleep a little longer
and tell time it should freeze
then lock it in your safe
and throw away the keys

i heard you're out in Cali, i nod my head and smile
(who knew irish goodbyes were going to be your style)

we used to share our poems, until the sun would wake
i still do not believe that you were a mistake

your hands are turning black,
they say your aunts did too
back when she was a girl
and wore her golden shoes

you start to lose your feeling,
each finger tingling numb
a hopeless war you're fighting
thats already been won

tangly hair and light pink nails
a pretty little mess
disaster's got his eyes on you
and your black sequin dress

you sniff and sneeze just what you please
when all you want is wine and cheese
you've sent your brain over the seas
and give your love the rose gold keys

you are a million twinkling stars
a sinking ship filled of butterflies
the marshmallows in my cereal

and i can't seem to get this **** grin off of my mouth that you give me everyday

your sound is so familiar
your look is so peculiar-
i can't believe i didn't see
it's you, oh my old friend

and now it feels quite right
I've missed you in my sight
strings in my hand i understand
it's been far too long

and this is what i feared
that you wouldn't feel this near
and i admit I've shed a tear
but you're worth that my dear

these shoes have walked a bit
maybe too far i admit
but i know id never quit
running these miles for you

your voice is but a memory
too soft to now replay
your love still haunts my bones
from miles and miles away

i don't remember the last night i slept without you, and quite frankly i dont care to

Today I am Sally so happy and bright
Tomorrow I'm Sarah the queen of the night
Today I will love you with all of my might
Tomorrow I could runaway filled with fright

Why is it that we find our memories flooding our vision at this hour? It's almost 3 AM and I'm drowning in my thoughts of our tangled fingers and midnight rambles.

I'm sorry I'm sorry I'll say it once more-
The room is now spinning, the ceilings the floor.
Dont make me a stranger please do not erase me
I'm sorry that I always made you just chase me.

your thoughts are blue,
your heart is sour -
for now you've reached
your hardest hour.

you're falling out of what "once was"
*she used to smile, "just because"

undress my thoughts,
tangle my limbs;
& you'll be the The
Boy Who Learned How
To Swim

ive lost all my words
they've slipped from my tongue
I'm fighting a war thats already
been won

like sand I watch you slip through my fingers again, and again, and again. ill pick you up once more, a little tighter this time, but my fight never seems to be quite strong enough for you. // I'd love you if you would please just let me.

I feel it in my bones as my pulse heightens  

As I soberly fidget in my seat wondering when this is all going to change and I'll wake up happy again.
You've turned into that movie I used to watch over and over again but this time I didn't laugh. I didn't quote the whole **** thing. And the wifi connection is lost this time around but neither of us fight to fix it, or anything else regarding that matter.

Thirty six flowers, all of them crying
"Drown us with water, for we are all dying!"
Neglecting their plea, I sprint for the sea
With an ocean blue car that runs off of tea

I can feel you slipping away

You kissed me in my kitchen and I laughed.
I looked into your eyes with that devilish grin you loved and ran away. I forgot to call for a week or two. You were so nervous then.
Eight months later and I'm shaking you over and over again to simply wake up each morning. And you fight it like you're thirteen years old on a Sunday morning begging your mom not to make you go to church just this one time.

And my love for you is non refundable and I can't put my finger on why. The math doesn't always seem to add up as I silently weep in bed for the thousandth time, but you're too high to notice. I've never liked crying in front of other people anyways.

as the storm of tears flooded down my face,
and into my ears as i lie on my back I swear
it has deafened me. And they're the same two
ears that heard you proclaim at the top of your
lungs that you loved me! you truly, truly loved me!
but then again maybe thats just me being a romantic.
Perhaps it was only a whisper after all, but nevertheless
I still heard what you were capable of muttering out.

there are some mornings, like these,
where simply getting out of bed is too much.
The thought of leaving this room overwhelms me,
I'll nearly collapse if I must go on to share small talk,
explaining  w h o   I      a m
where I've b e e n
w h e re      I '   l  l   g o.
These chats feel like a million bugs crawling on my skin,
as I anticipate the thumbs up to be able to shake them all off

a wild little girl who chases
marvelous little dreams
with no intention of facing
what tomorrow may bring

but who could blame her?
he's wrapped around her
finger so beautifully that
she's started to believe it's
always looked this way

while you look delightful
i still feel so frightful
i'm drawing a blank,
"say something insightful!"

my toes start to curl
my fists become tense
exhaling my thoughts
i've lost all my sense

i gave you a hug so you gave me the stars
and carried me home all the way from the bars
its the way that you laugh, its the way that you cry
or when my phone lights up and i catch that you spy

"my cat! my cat!" you scream it once more
i'll ask you "what's wrong?" as i look to the floor-
he ate your shoe laces, so I'll give you mine
while you give me shivers all over my spine

oh my darling!
you make my head spin ever so wildly
drown me in wine
yell that you love me!
as i trace a master piece on your back with my fragile fingers

and they'll call us both mad
the lovers that danced until their feet crumbled
( though you claim you cannot dance )
as we will disregard them all, humanity, and however cliche our midnight rambles may become