you cut me out of your life
awhile ago.
and it turns out
i miss you more
than i ever thought
i would
but i can’t change
anything
and if i could
turn back time,
to the beginning of quarantine,
and fix things-
I would-
in a heartbeat...

going to a college
2 1/2 hours away
won’t change
how much
i miss you
or
how much it hurts-
it might just be a little easier
to forget some days
because i won’t
see you every day
anymore.
and i know you won’t see this,
but i just need to write it down.

i don’t care how much
you’ve hurt me,
i miss you.
the you that i love,
the you that i know.
even the you that hurt me-
he was still in my life-
i even miss that you.
because that you and i-
we still had good times together.
i miss you...
and i know you don’t miss me,
after all-
you did say,
“now get out of my life, and stay out.
goodbye.”
and i never actually
got to say goodbye to you.

i hate that i miss you.
after all the hurt,
and the tears,
and the sleepless nights,
and the anxiety,
and the stress,
and the nights when i cried myself to sleep,
and the soft smiles,
and the second thoughts,
and the late nights,
and the endless conversations,
and the promises,
and after everything we’ve been though-
i hate that i miss you.

whenever we’d fight,
you’d block me and add be back
a few weeks later,
always claiming how much
you missed me.
i have a feeling-
this time is different...
this time-
it really is over,
isn’t it?

i've finally found the inspiration
to write again and the time to do it.
we both need time to heal and figure
out life, this is how i heal and
start the next chapter of my life

caught in this grief
i've never felt before
unsure of how to react,
i do what i can to stay afloat.
unprecedented stress and anxiety,
overwhelming situations,
too much to handle on my own.
thank you for never leaving my side

sometimes when
no one checks
the group chat
for awhile and
there’s no one
else on-
it feels like you’re
just talking in an
empty theatre- waiting.
waiting for anything.
a “read” notification,
a typing bubble-
a sign that you’re
not alone-
anything...

a friend once told
me “you are light.”
i’m trying to be light
to all of my friends
and everyone around me.

i think i like being light...
it’s a very good place,
mentally it isn’t draining,
it isn’t emotionally
draining either.

i think i’m happy again

listen here to me.
ignore what everyone else is saying if they're trying to tear you down.
don't let that happen.

you are smart
you are beautiful
you are kind
you are seen
you are loved
you're better than you think you are.

im stuck in
this never ending
loop. this cycle
of go to work,
come home, go
to bed, repeat.
i can’t live the
rest of my life
like this.
life is like a
bad song stuck
on repeat.

i used to think that
i wasn’t the main
character of my
own story.
i’ve learned
that i am-
it’s just a really
messed up story

if i knew my worth,
i’d make you choose.

but i’m too afraid
that you’d choose
her.

as i brush the mascara
on my eyelashes,
i notice the rain outside,
gently hitting my windows.
it’s a beautiful thing

sometimes there are
these perfect little
moments.

i believe that these
moments are what
defines who we are

there are three mountains
built before me.
one of stress,
one of decisions,
and one of realizations.

i’ve yet to face all of them.
the summit seems
invisible
from the base of the mountain.

this would be so much easier
if these were real mountains
instead of ones in my mind

i've spent the last
3 months of my
life on a musical

a week ago today
was opening night
and now it's all
completely over

i don't regret
anything.

mismatched furniture
a few dishes in the cupboards
a couple random blankets and lamps
a pan and a mug or two in the sink
a broken clock above the fake fireplace
a fake jackalope head on the fireplace

a couple college kids' apartment
my brother and his roommate
it isn't much but it feels like home

how refreshing it is
to not feel like i need to
put on a snapchat filter
on my face whenever i
send a photo to you.
im finally happy enough
and confident enough
with how i look that
im not afraid of showing
my natural skin or sending
bad photos.
youve seen me look so many ways-
from the moment i wake up,
to going on a date with you,
to every good and bad look in between.
i love that im not afraid of
my own face anymore

one thing i've learned
is that i will never
be anyone's first choice.

he will always choose
his friends over the girl
he says he's dating.

i've finally come to
terms with the fact that
i'm just not good enough.

it feels like i'm stuck in
a never ending
night terror.

it's on loop and
won't stop
going and
going and
going and
going and
going and
going.

this is my cry for someone-
anyone to help me escape.
i can't handle it anymore...

in april my parents and i
went back to the
east coast, new england,
for a funeral.
my mother grew up there
and i was born there.

i hadn't seen the ocean in
11 years since we left.

i miss the waves
i miss the cool
sea breeze
the seagulls
the marinas
the houses on the water
the random shops
i miss everything
it's more of a home than
this house in the middle of
nowhere ever was.

what i miss
most about the
ocean is the
freedom of
standing on rocks
over the waves
without any worries

the cement was poured over the dug up earth,
but despite all efforts to prevent its growth,
one very determined little flower cracked the cement
and bloomed in the concrete jungle it was born into.

so many
failed
relationships

i think that
i might be the
problem

i bought a prom dress
last night.
it's ivory and rose gold
and it makes me feel
like a confident queen.

i promposed to my boyfriend.
there were scrabble tiles
and it was adorable.
he said yes.

i know it's still two or three
months away, but i'm getting
ready and it'll be a good night.
a night where i finally feel
beautiful.

the gentle rain
on the window
reminds me of
a simpler time

of a moment that
is still to happen

somewhere,
someday,
with you

do those songs still
remind you of me?
do you ever remember us
and wonder
what might’ve happened?
do you ever miss us?
we were so young...
do you ever think of me?
we were so close and now-
complete strangers,
i think we’ve spoken
twice this entire school year.
you still smile at me
with that knowing look.
we’ve both changed so much,
but i still wonder what
might’ve happened if
i didn’t end it so quickly
and without a second thought...

i finally figured it out.
i was waiting for
a response.

i have spent days
killing time.
waiting for you.
when i knew
i didn’t need to,
i knew i didn’t
need your validation,
but i wanted it anyway

i come home
around 10pm
after musical
rehearsal.

i come home to
a silent and empty
house.

its like im
being rejected
from my own
home.

i need to right
what i did
wrong to you.

but i'm afraid
of what might
happen.

i broke your
heart (and mine
too) on accident.
i didn't mean to.
i swear.

if i could go back
and change it-
i'd do it in a
heartbeat.

i accidentally
broke his heart

almost a year
and a half later
he shattered mine

“dating her
was a mistake.”

"I will not throw away my shot."
Do not throw away your shot.
We have one shot to make a difference.
We have one shot to show them who we are.
To make them see we aren't who they think we are.
To let them hear us.
We have one shot... Make it count.
We must leave behind a legacy.
"What is a legacy? A legacy is planting a garden that you'll never get to see."
Let the younger ones see us fighting for what we believe in-
let them see us dressing for ourselves and not to impress others constantly
let them see us being who we are
let them see us using our words for good and not for evil
let them see us changing the world
one
word
at
a
time

“someday my prince will come”
cinderella sung that...
i believed it to be true

my prince never came
no prince ever would want
a servant girl

darling,
you're made of
stardust.
not to be scientific
but
the hemoglobin found
in your blood-
the only other place
its found,
is
in
stars

everything is
so peaceful on
this wintery day

except the storm
raging in my mind

someone help me

the anxiety has gotten worse,
but you're still here.
the chai from the library *****,
the chai from the student center also *****.
it makes me sad. it's very milky,
i'm lactose-intolerant.
i don't know why the chai *****,
but i do know that one full year of loving you
has felt like mere moments

in the mood
to go for a walk
in a warm summer
rain with someone
i love

in the mood
to go for a walk
in a warm summer
rain with someone
i love

talking fast
i have to get out my words
before someone else cuts me off

they said "slow down"
but if i slow down bad things happen.
everything catches up with me.
people cut me off
my fears catch up to me
i have to be busy
if im not busy i start to relapse

every night i douse
my essence and body
in lavender oil
to try and help calm
my adhd
just enough so
i can fall asleep,
and the melatonin
helps keep me asleep

time keeps wasting away
i sometimes hear the clocks
ticking.

it's maddening.

i don't know how to
use time effectively while
taking care of myself.

there's too much to do
in too little time.

it’s been a long time
since my words have
been seen on this screen.

i’m single,
i’m working a new job,
i’m getting help,
i’m a bit better than i was.
things are still really hard,
but it’s getting a little easier.

to the ones who fell in love early and loved much. who kept falling in love over and over and over again.
to the ones who searched for love in all the right and wrong and could never seem to find it. not at home, not at work, not at school, nowhere.
to the ones who found love everywhere or even just once, and wanted nothing to do with it.
to the ones who've been hurt from the beginning and who've yet to be hurt.
to the hearts of glass and stone, the ones who broke and shattered over and over again, to the ones who've only been broken a few times.
to the ones who've been so broken- and yet continue to love. to the ones who love when it's hard to.
to those who cry alone at night and the ones who cry in the arms of friends.
to those who've been left gently and on good terms and for the ones who were harshly abandoned without a second thought- this is for you.
this is to tell you- you are heard and seen and loved.

i’m willing to
take a chance
on you.

i’ve been burned,
badly.
i’m cautious because of
how badly i’ve been hurt.

but i’m willing to take
a chance on you,
if you’re willing to take
a chance on me.

i'm biding my time.
i'm not sure what
i'm waiting for...
all i know, is that i'm
waiting...