I think about how breathtakingly beautiful our world truly is
how many angles and raindrops have fallen among us
how the tallest of trees and smallest of pedals
sway together
colliding with the rhythym of our oceans
all of our oceans
all of our forests
all of our heartbeats
pulsing, colliding, swaying
I think about the rhythm of our planet and how lucky I am to rhyme
with all of it.

remember all those words I wrote
begging you to look my way,
to open up and let me catch you.
I remember thinking how I just
had to have you or I'd die
but death would be a promise
cause I never thought you'd fall.
Then all the sudden, in a moments notice
We were falling
though galaxies and shooting stars
so incredibly fast and so incredibly hard
and now I can honestly tell you
how much I love to hear you tell me
how much you love me.

I often dream of running, I dream of fleeing
but every time I try to leave
they drag me back to this place they’ve deemed
reality.

I often find I’m lost in their uncertainty –
but I'm certain that I’m dying
in this place that I was never meant to
be.

Waking to feel the weight of the void
you left when you left me behind.
Searching restlessly for any remaining
sense of you in these god forsaken sheets.
Plowing mindlessly through the memories
scorched into my mind - branded forever yours.
Will there be an ever after?

leave your t-shirt on my bedroom floor.
leave all your flannels and your socks and all your rough edges
abandon your breath in my bed sheets
your eyelashes and hand-written notes and your self-esteem
leave it all behind for me to swallow and choke on
when I start to miss you.

I've noticed
a tingling sensation
a slight blur of vision
and a simplistic way of
looking at things.

I've come to terms
with the fact that a glass of wine
a day keeps the monsters away
and a few more will send them
running.

So buy me a bottle
of your cheapest Pinot Grigio
then ask me about my problems
and I'll gladly spill them out for you.

Angels and raindrops have fallen among us
Among the tallest of trees and the smallest of memories.

Swaying together
colliding with the rhythm of our oceans
and the patterns of our stars.

The current of a blood stream;
liquid electricity in the gutters of our core
throbbing with every vital blow to the heart.

Dancing, rhyming with every striking, agonizing pulse.

I know we aren't "meant to be"
we never were.
and still
I search for you in everyone I see.

Growing up
we always ask ourselves
will I be rich
will I be wanted
will I be loved
will I be pretty
will I be pretty
and our mothers will say to us,
Darling, you are beautiful.
but the mirrors will gawk at us.
I want to be pretty
I want to be pretty
Darling, you are beautiful.
but the slits on our wrists
tell us otherwise, Mother.
The girls at school with their
bouncy blonde ponytails
they are so pretty
they are so pretty
and we will sulk in our rooms
with razors so sharp,
pleading to Mother,
I want to be *pretty

like the first sip of a scolding hot tea
you get used to it, you learn to enjoy
the sting of the frosted white winter
for a while, at least
but soon enough, crisp turns to cold
cold air, cold parks, cold house.
the warmth of his heart
I once knew, so well,
has left to let me freeze
shivering in the lack of
shared body heat
cold hands, cold feet, cold heart.
so I bundle up in strangers arms,
praying to find warmth   in
something else
failing to find warmth    in
anything else


You left me **cold

leave your wrinkled white t-shirts scattered on my bedroom floor.

leave your scent and your records and all your rough edges.

abandon your heavy breath in between my bed sheets,
an eyelash and your hand-written notes and your self-esteem.

leave the curve of your lips on the edge of my desk,
along with your pen and your empty cigarettes.

leave all of you behind for me to swallow and choke on.
leave it all, for the moment that I begin to miss you.

oh, and please do not forget to leave me
your spark and your spectral light.

You were broken and I tried to fix you and for a while there, I honestly thought I had.
But here we are and now I’m the broken one and maybe it’s time to let it pass me by.
But baby, we swing so good together and baby, your kisses are so addictive.

isn't it funny how I laugh so
hysterically and that the harder I
laugh and the longer I smile
the louder I can hear myself crying inside

isn't it silly that I wear this much
makeup and heels this high but
when I wipe it all off and take it all
down I am merely just plain

isn't it crazy that I do all of these things
because society has told me that I
have to and I want to and I need to if
I want to be adored and I do

isn't it frightful that secretly
I hate myself for conforming to
their guidelines but I love myself for
being so ******* adored

faces buried deep beneath the fluorescents just barely listening to the wires falling from their
brains with mundane expressions smeared instinctively across the ridges on their skulls and their hands
fiddling rigidly with the space between their thumbs and I wonder if they ever miss their
stops?

you were last night's essence
captured in between the sheets

I came across a letter I never sent,
hidden somewhere I had forgotten.

I'm sorry I never gave it to you
I think it would have helped.

It read out all the memories
I'd forgotten we'd ever made.

But I'm glad I never sent it and
I'm glad you never read it.

I hope one day
many years from now
you find this website
you find my poetry
you remember all these
******* Love Stories
you wrote me
and I hope you see how broken I am
how lonely I am
because you said forever and always
then left.
Sincerely yours,

a vow for no more love poems
no more searching for you in song lyrics
never again will I fall asleep thinking of you
and if I dream of you, god help me.

"Good morning, Gorgeous,
Remember to love everyone today
Especially me!
Yours Truly,"

Plant your own garden
Decorate your own soul
Stop waiting for someone else

to bring you flowers.

You ever wonder,
how long it takes to change your life?
What measure of time is enough to be
life-altering?
Is it four years, like high school,
one year,
an eight-year rock tour?
Do changes only occur over periods of time?
Or can your entire life change within a month, a week, or even a single day?
We are always in a hurry to grow,
to go places,
to get ahead,
but when you're young,
one hour
can change everything.

apologizing for the hint of cigarette on your breath,
I smile and inhale your fumes
teasing my lips with the subtle taste of your neck
kiss me harder
the corners of your mouth are so alluring
I can't help but to stare
grip my hair as my neck tilts back
kiss me all over
close your eyes and give me your body
take mine and make it yours
running your fingers through my hair
kiss me slowly

I'm so ******* unhappy
and I wish somebody could sit here
and tell me tomorrow will be better
but truthfully
I've been through so many tomorrows
and so many last nights
that no matter how many pretty words they whisper
nothing will change.
So close your eyes, my love, and I promise you
nothing will change.
And I'll keep walking slower
and not listening
because I've got nowhere to be and nothing to hear
in this god forsaken, obscurely dark world.

The ground stutters,
it cracks
leaving me shuttered,
shaken, lost and
trapped.
My grasp
is sturdy, no more
The ground leaves me with
nothing to save me
I'm falling
faster than I ever could have
imagined, I'm falling
more striking than a bolt
of lightening
I'm falling
head over heels, I speed
down into the cracks of
the Earth, deep down
into the core,
the burning sensation of
molten lava,
I'm falling, into this
burning cavern
of liquid hell
Untamed and unstoppable
I've fallen.

"I've been having trouble sleeping"
I explain.
"I get headaches.
I'm nauseous. I can't eat.
I've lost weight.
A lot of weight."
He nods, still staring at the computer.
"Here hurts"
I point to my rib cage, poking out through my t-shirt.
He glances at me and types some more.
All the while my head is spinning
And I can feel the blood rushing up to my head
then back down again.
I feel weak.
"I think I may need to change my dosage."
"Mhm, mhm."
He nods again.
The printer roars to life.
"Take this twice every morning and once at night. These are for the headaches, don't take more than one every 8 hours, and only when necessary. Take this before bed, it should help with the - "
And then, just as he held up the fourth piece of paper,
I saw the carpeted floor rush up to meet me.
And just like that,
I was gone.
And the worst of it all,
is that I did this to myself.
And he knew it.

I used to think that the worst feeling in the world
was wanting somebody who doesn't want you back.
But I've come to realize that the worst feeling in the world
is something much much more,
the worst feeling in the world is missing someone.
It's so much worse because you've had something with them that will
never ever go away.
No matter how many times you try to forget them
you have all the memories.
You had that person and now they're gone.
You've lost them, and there's nothing you can do that to change it.
Not being able to change that can change you.
It can turn you hollow and empty.
Because the one thing that made you feel complete was the one thing you took for granted.
And you can't even go back and prevent it from happening,
it just is.
And it can destroy you, absolutely and entirely.
But then I realized that this "it",
this thing
this something that I'm blaming...
was nothing but myself.

Feeling rather lonely today
Maybe it's too late
to say
How often you are on my mind
Maybe it's too late
to try
There's so much that I want to say
Maybe it's too late
today
I'll love you forever, I will
Maybe it's too late
to tell
You could say you love me too
Maybe it's too late
for you

are you alright* they ask
are you feeling better
urging me to let on that
I am no longer a problem
how are things
what things.
I have no things, I have nothingness.
what does it mean, *alright
there is no all right, there is no
b e t t e r .
there is simply
n u m b .
you look tired
I am tired.
you look better
what does it mean, better
there is no
b e t t e r .
there is no
w o r s e
either.
there is nothingness, numbness.
what did you do last night
trying to make conversation.
I can't remember last night
it was too mundane
nothing
nothing can silence them.
nothing can't silence them.
they pry on.
*I - *
and then I stop listening.

I've packed my suitcase of memories and tossed it out the window
this is no longer a part of me.
I've accepted your words, your reasons and your absence
you are no longer a part of me.
The right side of the bed is now just an extension of the left,
this is not where you belong.
Your clothes are gathered and in the mail
they too have forgotten your scent.
I have carved out the thoughts that once consumed my mind
and I have long overcome the heartbreak.
You are just you
and I, just I.
We are each others' pasts, left behind in a brown paper package of dreams and night terrors.

there's no way that anybody else in world feels the way I do. I love you more than anyone could possibly love anyone else. our love is special and original and better than anyone else's. we're so in love and it's so magical and this is our world. everyone else is just living in it

there is a world unknown out there
begging and pleading for me to
play with it for a little while

but how can I turn one familiar one away
for thousands of unknown ones that may
or may not be disappointing or fantastic

suppose one other one was fantastic
more fantastic than this familiar one
I would never know because I would never stray

so now I confide in you, stranger
I ask you with hopeful ears
should I go or should I stay?

I fell in love with you the night we said goodbye
You left me breathless and shattered in your white t-shirt
The rain still echoes on my shoulders, on your shoulders
I hear the alarm going off at 4am
I hear you crawling out of bed, packing
I hear the fog rising at dusk
I hear the car tires on the crumbled pavement
I hear your last whisper
I hear silence.
Silence for months, darkness
for months
Distance
Depression
Love

inferior
insignificant
petty
small
naive
stupid
annoyed
angry
dis­appointed
nervous
anxious
deceived
lonely
betrayed
fooled
manipul­ated
lost
confused
broken.

daddy's little girl
forever by his side
sitting on his shoulders
she's so incredibly high

ribbons in her curls
with rosy cheeks to match
so giddy and playful
with daddy, playing catch

she's sweet sixteen today
diamonds round her neck
surrounded by friends and
daddy, trying so hard to protect

graduation day is big
medal and diploma in hand
she steps onto the stage
and winks at her old man

that ring around her finger
as golden as her heart
will never replace the love he has
for baby daughter jas

I looked around this world,
unfolding before my eyes
endless layers of wonderment
one by one, drawing back the curtains of reality,
revealing the the
magic
of my dreams.
Golden ideas scatter the parks like
Autumns past, blossoming in early Spring
I looked around this world,
invisible to all eyes but mine
and realized
it was all just
w h i t e  s p a c e

I can't fathom what it would be like
to loose someone to death.

it's such an inconceivable concept if you've
never experienced it.

and yet, so incredibly real and heart-wrenching
for those who have.

i can't imagine missing you and never being able
to satisfy the urge.

it's like an itch you'll never scratch or a breath you'll never
exhale.

how do people cope with a never ending burn?
i can only imagine.

penetrate me.
invade my thoughts with yours
bestow upon me all of your ideas, your opinions
wrap my mind around yours and cradle my memories
touch me.
share everything of yours with everything of mine
give me all of you and all of your past
engrave me into your future
ingest me.
understand all of my perceptions
my view points elaborate on your point of view
account for every flaw and every inconsistency
love me*.

I didn't ask for this.
This was not my plan
Nor my intentions.
But some things
Just cannot be stopped.
Often, I find,
You fall into them -
These somethings.
Stumbling blindly,
Forward, into
Unexpected chaos
Or order, whichever.
It was accidental,
This thing I found.
I wasn't looking
But it rushed to find me.
And here I am,
Missing you.

A man, over fifty
years wiser than I,
reaches for a hand
that is no longer there.
He is frozen over
with the chilled air of loneliness,
urging for a love
that has not graced his soul
in many years past.
Memories of her
scattered among the
cracked floorboards.
The house's familiar creeks
are no longer sounds of
home
but the uncertain ticking of
his time, running out.

she's moved on, and I feel sorry
that you have to watch her love
and be loved by another
she thought you were the most
amazing boy
in the world and if she could pick
one boy
in the world she would have picked
you.
but sadly, you are just another part of her past
more and more faded each day, with every sunset
and someday, she will find him
the one she deserves
and he will see that she is the most
amazing girl
in the world and that you should have picked
her
when you had the chance.

if pretty people
can be this miserable,
I can only imagine
how broken up
the uglies must be.
I am so sorry
that we live so
differently.

The wind outside is angry and frigid
It's picking up by the hour
The sky is dark and the ground is leaf-scattered
Autumn has broken through, gusting our hands in the air, waving goodbye to August.
I've packed up all my sundresses, now.
I found a five dollar bill in my winter-coat pocket
My nose is turning pink and my lips have cracked
It's dry this year.
The fog is sinking into the night and the streetlights catch it perfectly.
The greeting is more bitter than sweet, the goodbye is even more so.
The kids wobble to school each day with their eyes heavy and their shoulders unbalanced with books.
It's started to rain.

"Thank you for a wonderful day
I'm sorry I couldn't spend the night. I'll come pick
you up for lunch tomorrow.
Sleep sweet, Angel
Love,"

words exploding
for only you to read

thoughts and worries enveloping
that only I can see

I wonder
do you ever read them

do you ever wonder?

No body ever cries over never being over
never never dies or breaks, it never shatters
never never hides or disguises itself
it is simple and explicit and real
No body ever has their hopes crushed over never
people believe in never, they can trust it
Never is honest and straightforward
as blunt as blunt can be, it's never shadowed

Forever is as useless as it gets
because it is never kept.
Forever will flash before your eyes in a heartbeat,
but never
is a mighty long time.

We are all flowers
of different kinds
We water ourselves
with love and sunshine
But the saddest people
are tired and wilted
and who would water
a damaged flower?
I must be insane
for believing in you,
convincing myself,
thinking you'd stay.

Come on
Say something
Say everything
I'm giving up
I can't wait
any longer
I'm giving up
Come on
Tell me
Say something
Say everything
Say anything
I'm giving up.

Have you ever wanted so badly to just
collapse and cry forever
but are unable to shed a single tear
and so you sit and you stare in silence
for what seems like forever
dreaming up possibilities that seem realistic
but really, you know they'll never happen
he'll never walk through that door
he'll never pick you up off of this floor
he'll never understand or accept you like this
and so you just sit, and you just stare, and you're silent.
and he will never know.