We used to swing under the big willow tree
We lived 3 doors down from each other
We were princesses who fought dragons
We could save the kingdom and find our prince by lunch time
Our moms laughed and talked about how cute we were
Four years old was a cute age

Fast forward a bit
We went into elementary school innocent and young
Boys had cooties
Girls had cooties
Kickball always ended with someone getting hit in the face
We would always sit out field and pick grass and shape it into a little birds nest
Life was good
Until your parents started fighting and I mean really fighting.
It scared me and I would have to go home
I would make you come with me
three doors down
Our moms didn’t laugh anymore
By Christmas break your parents were broken up and divorced
Eight years old was a confusing age

Junior high was mean.
Girls would rip you to shreds and then hang pieces of you on everyone’s lockers
Boys just wanted to make out
A whirlwind of uncontrolled hormones
We were the quiet ones
Always flew under the radar
Just trying to make it out alive
We found a little spot to eat lunch under the stairs where no one would go
We giggled and talked about boys who didn’t even know that we existed
I remember crying in the bathroom with you because people were brutal and we weren’t good enough
Our moms worried about us and how distant we were becoming
Thirteen years old was a sad age

Highschool is another story
You were put in the hospital for a month
I was left at school alone
I had to find more friends
I found most of them were fake
So I ate my lunch in a bathroom stall
Reading all the swear words that were carved in the wall
You were really sick and we grew apart
We were always close
We will always love each other
You tried to save me from myself
But I didn’t let you
Seventeen was an important age

Now we are at different colleges
I tried to **** myself while you were getting an A on your anatomy test
It’s sad
We don’t swing under the big willow tree or fight dragons anymore
Our moms hardly talk
You are a success
and I am a failure
We don’t really mesh
I miss you every day
I’m sorry I can’t be good enough for you
We were princesses who lived three doors down, we saved the kingdom.
I love you
I’m sorry this has faded
Just like everything else
Nineteen years old is a dying age.

Hi there.
Sometimes it hurts to think.
I'm driving around in my hometown
I saw this old park that me and my friends would run and laugh and play at all the time.
We played cops and robbers
Lava Monster
Freeze tag
We acted like knights in strong armor and princesses with glittery dresses and we all slayed the dragons
Well now here I am staring at this old swing set that no one swings on anymore.
I used to think that I could touch the clouds with my feet if I swung high enough.
There is something so lively about a group of kids laughing and playing on a playground.
There is something so eerie about an old empty playground where no one goes.
That playground used to be so alive.
Now the swing creaks as it sways in the slight breeze.
You can almost hear faint whispers of the kids laughing from years before.
Now all those kids are adults with lives and responsibilities that are much more important than slaying a dragon.
The wood has splinters that get stuck in your fingers.
It is not shiny and fun anymore.
It used to be new
But I have found that everything changes eventually.
I wish people didn't leave so unexpectedly.
Anyways I am just rambling
but next time you see a playground
just try to look away.
it hurts to think too long
Bye.

I like simple things.
Walking
Breathing
Talking
I don't like simple things that turn into compex things.
Sprinting
Hyperventilating
Arguing
I have a hard time focusing on simplicity when it all changes into complexity without warning.

A little white fluff on a green stem.
The green stem blends with the surrounding grass.
When I wanted my dreams to come true my eight year old breath would blow the white fluff.
The sun would make the flurries sparkle and dance in the summer breeze.
It truly was magical.
I believed in fairies and wizards.
I remember the day my uncle got upset because I blew magic all over his perfectly green lawn.
My uncle informed me that apparently the fluff was a ****
not magic at all.
There is an innocence to not knowing.
The part of me that believed in magic and princesses disappeared.
I guess people have two choices in life
They can see a ****
Or they can see
magic.

I had someone tell me that you can't really be broken.
I wanted to call them a liar.
I have felt broken, haven't you?
You think and worry and turn into something else. You panic and attack yourself. You hate who you are. By now you have pretended so much that you don't know who you are anymore. Your thoughts change, your personality changes, you change. You will never go back to how you were.. It won't ever be the same.
I don't know about you, but I classify that as broken.
You can be fixed, you just won't ever be the way you were before.

6 years old
loves barbies
plays outside
learning to ride a bike
shes getting taller

9 years old
loves chapstick flavors
walks outside
rides her bike everywhere
she is the tallest in her class

14 years old
loves mascara
runs outside to burn off the cupcake
bike sits alone
she is the biggest in her class

16 years old
loves black
runs lines down her arms, she doesnt see the sun
she drives around for hours thinking about everything but nothing
she is shrinking

18 years old
loves loneliness
runs and runs and runs from herself
she drives around hoping that she will be strong enough to make it home
she is breaking
slowly

20 years old
loves skipping meals
goes running until she feels like she's going to pass out, then runs another mile
she drives around thinking about her suicide attempt and thinks about heading home
she doesn't even know if home is a place or a feeling or if its real
lines going up her thigh now because she found out that wrists make people worry

people don't understand the process of self destruction
it started a long time ago
and it will never end
until she does.

I feel better
I feel like an altered dress
Fixed so that I can fit onto this life
But this life has nothing left
Nothing is right
No pink in my cheeks
Or green in my eyes
Water color paint brushes
Slowly filling with more plain
I try to paint a picture
Its hard without color
I try but eventually
I give up
When you bleed clear
When your world turns black and white
Its hard to get life back to the way it was.
I guess I'm just colorblind now
Careful you could become colorblind too.

January is new
A fresh start.
A time when you ponder life.
Where were you a year ago?
Where will you be a year from now?
You can only hope not here.
Not feeling like this.
This year has been hell.
You know I don't think I can go one more.
I guess we will see.
January is a fresh start to a mess.
Good luck.

I'm overwhelmed
With the sky and the trees and my house and my family.
But on top of all that I'm overwhelmed inside myself.
I don't know if you can grasp that.
Its similar to having a blender going on in your head all the time.
I can't think straight.
I can't eat.
I can't sleep.
My mom thinks I'm sick.
I'm actually just overwhelmed.

I don't know why I took metal to my skin
I don't know why I stopped eating
I don't know why I expect so much of myself.
All I know is that it's me.
I'm the issue
Blood used to scare me and now I crave it.
I don't understand what I did to myself.
I don't get why I changed so much
I scare myself.
I wish I was different
But I found out that wishing for the impossible just makes you start to blame other things.
If you want to get anywhere, sometimes you have to blame yourself.

I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff just waiting for the ground underneath me to
g i v e
Maybe if I was more grateful.. maybe I just need to stop being so selfish and
g i v e
I should just take my life and let someone else have the responsibility. I will just
g i v e
g i v e
g i v e
Its all I can do other than taking.

Ignore me.
Don't look.
I'm destroying myself.
Don't watch.
I know you love me.
Walk away.
You will help me most by walking away.
Please.
I already hurt myself.
I don't want to hurt you too.

I feel like I keep waking up in a nightmare of my mind.
I'm so trapped.
I can't escape the fact that I have to
wake up again.
               And again.
                     And again.
When will I learn that I'm the nightmare.
I'm never going to wake up from this one cause I created it.
The only way to wake up is to destroy it,
Destroy myself.
I need to wake up.

Dancers can't have eating disorders.
We are meant to be thin.
We are made this way
We are made to hide food
to starve
to throw it up
As long as no one sees us
As long as we can fake it
Cause as dancers
We have to fake it till we make it
And we aren't going to make
it if we are as fat as pigs.
People don't like watching hogs dance.
Don't worry the mirrors will tell us if we are the size of a stick or a stump.
So no I don't have an eating disorder
Dancers can't have those.
We are created this way.

{SM}

I think the problem is that I can't stop seeing the world in black and white

Sparkling dresses. Fake smiles. Loud music. Dancing. Pointless hellos.
lipstick
Blood. Bathtub. Sink. Curling iron. Water.
Goodbye written across the mirror in
lipstick
Black dresses. Fake comfort. Loud silence. Staring. Lasting goodbyes. Death.
lipstick.

The night is beautiful.
You know when you look at someone and you see the dark beauty inside them,
You don't see the
Gloomy
Dark
Sad
Depressed.
You see the sparks of light througout their darkness.
Just
    Like
        Stars.

I'm so excited for the outcome.
But getting there is going to be torture.

Maybe nothing will ever work out.
Maybe you will end up being rich.
Maybe you will have 8 kids.
Maybe you will be the president.
Maybe you will grow a garden.
Maybe you will fall in love..
You will never find out if you end it.
Please keep going.
I need to convince myself to keep going too. We can make it.
Its really our decision.

I remember when I would help with dinner at my grandparents house.
My grandpa would always have me cut up vegetables.
He always told me I was holding the knife the wrong way, he didn't want me to hurt myself.
He would hold my hand and help me cut the vegetables so I would learn.
Well now that I'm older I dont need help.
Now that I'm older I avoid dinner.
I know how to hold knives.
The difference is that now I don't care how I hold it.
I am so careless.
Cause when I put it to my paper skin and watch the Ink fall out I just keep thinking about how my grandpa would remind me to hold it right so I don't cut myself and he would put his big hand over mine and show me how to do it the right way so I don't hurt myself.
But grandpa  now that I'm older that's all I use knives for.

I'm fine.
I'm not dead.
I'm not really sad.
I really can function.
I get A's.
I love my family.
I can sleep sometimes.
I can still laugh at funny things.
I still smile at flowers and rivers.
I like dancing.
I can hold a conversation.
I don't lie..much.
I only lie if I don't want to hurt you.
I say "I" too much..sorry.
I am eating.
I'm okay.
Don't worry.

Sleep is good.
You need it.
Teens should get at least 8 hours.
Sleep is kinda like a break,
You close your eyes and escape reality.
Unless reality follows you into your sleep.
That started to happen to me.
I would fall asleep and thats when the monsters in my head would come out.
I wake up crying.
Dreams no longer exist.
People say to sleep more,
That's difficult when every time you wake up you want to make yourself sleep
Forever

Bullying *****
It messes people up
I still remember the words that they would stab into my back.
I remember watching the flock of perfect swans weaving through the crowd praying that they wouldn't see me.
People can be brutal.
But people grow up and we learn how to deal with the daggers.
We learn how to deal with the rumors that infect our heads leaving traces of poison for years.
I also learned that believing them was easier.
Believing that I was the problem.
That I was nothing.
They were right
I was dumb.
I knew it was wrong, I know it is wrong.
I let myself get bullied
because I deserved it.
I went to school knowing that the bullying was going to happen, knowing I was going to lose.
I remember thinking
"Just bully me
I need it, I am not worth anything"
When I switched schools the bullying stopped.
Without being bullied, without being judged, without anxiety
I just wasn't me anymore.
I was still dumb, I was still the problem, I still needed to have something hurt me.
Since no one would do it for me, I guess I just started to do it to myself.
But what is scary about being your own bully, is that you can't run.
You can't escape your own head
And when you say
"Just bully me"
To yourself
You listen and its hard to stop

I am obsessed with becoming a woman who is comfortable in her own skin, I don't want to hate myself anymore
I will keep drinking zero calorie sparkling water and doing sit ups until my stomach aches and smiling through the painful runs
because **** it
its going to be worth it
I don't need the dinner roll
I don't need the candy
I just need to be proud of my body.
I am on a journey to being healthy, and it may be a little bit twisted but it will end good, I just know it.

Mirrors
Shattering myself into pieces
Sharp edges pointing out all the flaws
I stare at the glassy eyes
I don't know if they are mine
The reflections rip me open
making all of the imperfections
seep through the paper skin
Outlining me in red
Tracing what to fix
Tears bleed through my surface
Stinging my insides
I want this to end
The mirror is killing me.
What's in the mirror is killing me
So I guess I'm killing myself.

{SM}

Numbers
Numbers matter so much to people.
Math.
A scale.
Competition.
Money.
Time.
Numbers aren't even objects.
You can't hold a number.
We rank people, low class, middle class, high class, all by numbers.
Girls rank themselves by numbers
"She weighs 10 lbs less than me"
In competition the lower number the better, we all want first place.
When in the end its only a number.
Why why why
do we care
so much?

Pink ballet tights don't hide cuts.
Leotards black as smoke don't conceal all the regrets I have swallowed.
My perfect bunhead doesn't pull together all the loose ends of my mind.
I'm sorry mom that somewhere between your migraines and stress your daughter ran into the bathroom.
I'm sorry Dad that you try so hard and you always end up with ***** ups.
I was supposed to be the perfect one.
I have tried to be perfect for so long.
I gave up when I learned that society feeds us chocolate covered concrete.
I gave up when the sun went down and the moon never came up.
I gave up when the mirror started to grab my eyes and made me stare.
I gave up when I couldnt give up.
Now I'm just trying to appear perfect.
I'm faking everyone out
I'm so fun to talk to
I'm such a happy girl
Mom I will do ballet and help you clean
Daddy I will run so you can be proud
You deserve to be proud of something
I'm just sorry that it has to be fake.
I don't know how long this will go on
Just try to enjoy the show while it lasts.

Are you okay?
Are you feeling alright?
What is wrong?
Why don't you talk to me anymore?
You changed
Are you better now?

Yes I'm okay
I want to die still but I'm okay.
My head is wrong I'm wrong the scale is wrong the mirror is wrong.
I get anxiety when I talk to people now,
It's not just you.
I changed because my head tried to **** me.
I am so much better.
I'm good.
I just want to cut tonight
I just want to die tonight
I just want to puke tonight
But I can't
Cause I promised my parents I wouldn't.
I want to self destruct.
"Try coping skills"
Coloring a picture is not getting rid of my head.
I can't deal with you. My head is my head and you don't understand it. No one does. Im a screwup.
I'm so sorry. Okay.
I am broken.
Okay I'm sorry
I need to grow up but I can't and I want to die
I don't want to try and grow up.
Mom I'm tired so tired and I need a break.
I need to breathe.
Death isn't beautiful, but neither is living.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I have to keep trying
Keep living.
This is really hard.

I deserve to be buried in the ground.
A part of me wants to be gone.
A piece of me needs to stay.
I hate me.
I can't fix anything ive done.
I've messed up my life so bad.
Maybe I changed too much.
I need to go back.
But I can't.
I need to work a hundred times harder to get the future I used to want.
I need to be okay.
I'm not okay.
I want to hurt myself.
I need to die.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Its okay.
I'm getting over it.
Breathe.

I'm sitting here trying to put my thoughts into words.
Trying to take my mind and type it up
Everytime I start writing I delete it
Like my head
Whenever I start to think
I press delete
Delete my mind
Delete my soul
Delete me
I'm empty now
All this erasing has me hollow
An old dead tree
Looks strong on the outside
Empty on the inside
Just cut me down
Please cut me down
I don't want to be here
Death isn't beautiful, but neither is living.
I just want this bullet to press the delete button in my brain.
I wish I never existed.

Isnt it weird to think that we will never live this exact moment ever again
Slowly we age and all we have left are memories of what these moments felt like.
Pictures
Songs
Letters
They bring back more than memories they bring back feelings.
Which is good and bad depending on the memory.

Sleepless nights
I get consumed in my thoughts
I get tired
I sit here listening to music trying to distract myself from myself.
Notes leaking into my ears just whisking up my already mixed up mind.
It doesn't work
It makes it worse
The shadows of the night eat at my mind until I have shadows where my brain used to be.
I feel numb
Except kind of a deeper feeling than numb
It's undescribable
It's a feeling of terror
Its a feeling of failure
Its a feeling of loneliness
Its a feeling of being so done with everything inside of yourself.
I guess it's not numb
Its careless
It hurts
And when you want it all to be over that's when it gets the worst.
I am so sorry if you have ever felt like this
No one deserves to feel like this
Except me.

{SM}

When I was five my mom taught me how to count to ten.
I liked the number ten
I thought that I could rule the world cause I knew how to count to ten.
I could play hide and seek now
I could make a hopscotch
I could be like my older sister
The number ten made me so happy.
When I was six I went to kindergarten
Counting to ten was baby stuff
But I still liked ten
My kindergarten teacher taught me that counting to ten ten times makes one hundred.
I cried to my mom when I got home
It seemed too complicated
So I kept counting to ten
Life was easier when only numbers one through ten existed.
When I was twelve there was a group of mean girls
Ten of them
I didn't like the number ten
that much anymore.
Cause according to them it was
How much weight I needed to lose (10lbs)
How many of my friends hate me (10)
How high I would score on a test (10%)
I could always hear them coming
all their ten steps in sync
Walking in a V
They were a flock of birds
Getting ready to attack a poor penguin who couldn't fly like them.
When I was sixteen all of the mean girls went to a different school.
I didn't have to be with the ten anymore.
I had to be with myself
I lost 10 lbs
Plus extra
I have no friends now, turns out the ten friends I had really didn't like me.
When I was sixteen boys would line up one through ten
One and two would make me cry
I told three and four that they were a waste of time, they would just hurt me
I gave five a chance
He broke me
The other five didn't get to know me
Even though they tried
They could never really know me
The me who liked only the numbers one through ten.
The me who cries at night remembering the monsters
The me who hates myself
I fake it so well
I put up a wall
Ten bricks up
Ten bricks across
My second grade teacher would have asked me how many bricks I used
But it doesn't really matter anymore
Cause behind that wall I'm self destructing
I wish I only had to count 1-10

I feel guilty
I have no right to feel like this
I have no real reason to
write poems like this
I don't know when I started to
enjoy being alone more than with company
Nothing happened
Nothing changed,
Except me.

Whats hard about life is that you don't get a time out or a chance to catch your breath.
You have to keep playing.
Life isn't like a game.

Isn't it funny how you can fall in and out of love with someone so fast?
Isn't it funny how one smile can make your day
Isn't it funny how fast you can change your mind
One minute your okay
the next you aren't the same person
like there is a switch in your head
I can see it flip
and that is when you scare me
I love you so much
I don't think I can do it anymore
I don't have a choice
I am trying to fall out of love with you
except have you ever tried falling out of a trench?
cause you can't.
I will just sit here and take it
cause what choice do I have..
Isn't it funny how you can hurt me so much
but I can still love you.

I sit here looking at the sky
wondering if you are more like a sunset or a sunrise
this mark on my arm
looks more like a storm
black clouds covering the blue sky
your pale hands
strong
too strong
wrapped around my arm as you tossed me to the ground
I am just an object to you
one that changes colors
you seem to like the colors black and blue
my body is covered
stains left by you
I love you so much
I am sorry I had to escape
I still sit here staring at the sky
my hands are shaking
my head is chaos
you are a sunset
the sun dies but it is so beautiful
until the sky turns to dark
you turn dark
just like the sky
I hate you so much.

Back when I was a real girl I bounced
in the hallways licking my popsicle.
Back when I was a real girl
I smiled from the inside out.
Back before toothbrushes
became my best friend.
Back when food was normal.
When I could close my eyes without
seeing monsters and nightmares.
When I liked myself.
Before any of the mean girls
decided that I was going to be the
rock in their pile of diamonds.
When music was
meant to make you happy.
Before the world messed me up.
When I was a real girl
I never thought about death.
When I was a real girl my
mind never went this deep.
Now I smile just from the outside.
Real girls don't have to sleep
with their eyes half open.
But I do
Because I'm not a real girl anymore.
I changed a long time ago and there is no way back now.

{SM}

I found some jeans in my closet
They are from last year
I got really excited
I decided to try them on
They didn't fit over my thighs
It really made me cry
I know I have gained weight
These jeans are just another reason why
I am going to give starving another try.
I will fit into those jeans
Even if I die trying.
They hang in my closet with a smile
Just mocking me as I stuff my face with food. They are killing me. I'm killing me. Food is not worth it.

No matter what you do it will never be enough.
No matter how much the alcoholic drinks or how much the workahlolic works or how much the anorexic starves or the bulimic purges or the athlete runs..
It will never
                 never
           never
     never
be enough to escape your mind.

They say,
  You could do so much better.
  Shoot for the stars not the clouds.
The thing is, what if I want to shoot for the clouds and the birds in life?
What if I'm scared to death of failure?
I can't even handle the idea of failing.
People don't understand that I am okay with mediocre.
I don't care if I am the very best.
I just want to be good enough.
I don't ask a lot of myself because I always dissapoint.
So now when they say
  You could do so much better.
I will reply
  Yes I know, but I don't want better.

Chill out
Take your meds
Don't worry
Just be normal
Stop stressing out
Talk to someone
You're not okay
You need help
Stop crying
Wake up you're an adult now
Why don't you want help
I want to help you.
Dear people who keep telling me this I honestly am so tired right now. I am trying to please too many people.
But I guess that's all I live for anymore
I live for other people.
So nevermind keep talking
Keep going
Cause I need it.

Maybe beyond today
There is something waiting
There is a clock ticking
Waiting.
Its waiting for you to do something
Waiting for you to kick a gear on this clock
Waiting for you to go to tomorrow
Okay so don't give up
The clock is waiting
Do something
Stop taking advantage of the clock
Soon it will break down

I'm sitting in my car
shaking
I hate myself
I hate myself
staring at the dark water
its hard to stay in the car
the water has a florescent vacant sign blinking
come stay here
the water is dark and reflective
haunting
It's getting bad again
I want to strap 30 lbs to my chest and jump
but we haven't  had a family picture
I haven't said goodbye
I'm obese
I cannot be remembered as fat
I am going to slice myself up
like a butcher chopping up meat
I can feel it
but I don't want my parents to know
They can't know
Cause if they knew I would be isolated
I would be controlled
and hell I don't want to be ******* controlled
I don't want to be this big
I don't want to ruin my life
so I will just stare at water
praying that one day I will run out of excuses
I will be brave enough to jump
with a weight that won't let me come up
hair floating
body limp
It's sad, but beautiful
I think I've officially lost it
the worst part is that I honestly don't care.

my head scares me
yelling at myself in the car
I am so done
hitting the steering wheel over and over
I am losing it
salt water dripping down cheeks
food
food
food
makes
me hate
myself
it all comes
back to how
I am the problem
why feed the problem
starve the problem
its your choice
fat or thin?
I have so much to be grateful for
I dont know why I feel like this
I am fat
I'm just done

I was looking at this piece of broken glass and I started laughing
Because me and that piece of glass have a lot in common.
I used to be
S H I N Y
Now I'm
d u l l.
I used to be apart of something
Now I'm just pieces.
I used to make up maybe
A window  A door  Art  Stained glass.
Now instead I'm just broken pieces.
People used to be able to look through me and enjoy the view on the other side.
Now people only see the dust and lies and filth and brokenness of me.
I'm trying to piece
m y s e l f    back together.
But I know that it's too late.

Going to sleep isn't hard anymore
I'm so tired of everything that the exhaustion just takes over my body
Because that is where I am supposed to be
I am supposed to be resting in the ground
I am supposed to be gone
Unscrewing a razor from a pencil sharpener is where I am instead
Shoving a toothbrush down my throat
I tried destroying myself completely and it didn't work
people got angry
So instead I will keep going bit by bit until I can finally disappear

Did you know cherry pits contain cyanide?
Five cherry pits could **** you
But only if they are broken.
That’s what my heart is full of, cyanide.
The outside of cherries are red and beautiful.
Hearts love, it’s so appealing.
But the inside could **** you.
My heart is broken
Wait, not broken. It’s shattered.
So watch out because if you take me in
I could **** you.
I’m sorry.

Did you honestly think that filling me with pills and therapy would change my will to live?
you couldn't have really thought that.
You thought I was willing
to get better
to try harder
I am trying every ****** day'
I can't anymore
Right now all I can do is exist and I'm sorry if that is not enough for you.
snapping an elastic on my wrist
laying in my bed
my thoughts strangling me
I don't know why the hell I am like this
I have no right to feel like this
I have a family who loves each other
I am at college on scholarship
I should be happy
but I want to die
no matter what I do it will never be enough
My car is idling
on the side of this cliff
I am ready to fall
please just let me fall

I'm creaking.
My knees are creaking from being worn too soon.
My mind is creaking from all the thoughts getting worn down and they don't make sense anymore.
Like the gate to an old farm with the metal worn, and the hinges tight.
My life is creaking with the old.
My life needs some oil..
I need something new.
Everything is creaking.
I don't like the sound.
I need to figure out how to make it stop.