There is a little girl in a flowery sundress who is giggling and skipping through a field.
The little girl decided to make a flower crown.
She picked each flower carefully, and she examined each silk petal.
Her eyes squinting with excitement as she wove the stems together.
When she was finished she looked at the crown for a long time.
She decided that it wasn't very good.
She hated it.
She dug a hole and put the very special wilted flowers back where she found them.
She dug and dug and patted with her little fingers until the dirt was stuck in her nails.
She tried to make the little plants stand up straight again.
She couldnt.
She kept digging until she could fit in the hole quite nicely.
She reburied herself, scooting the soft dirt onto herself as she stood in the hole slowly inhaling the gritty powder.
Once she was completely buried she struggled to push her hand out of the ground.
She barely held the beautifully weak flowers just above the dirt.
The flowers needed to be beautiful again. Sacrificing herself was the only way that she could think of to make them feel normal one last time.
She was running out of air.
One breath in.
Her hand wavered as she gripped harshly onto the green stems.
One breath out.
The delicate flowers and small dirt stained fingernails slowly relaxed and layed down in the dirt to rest.
No breath in.

You are crying for help.
You need help
You think I can help..
Its 2:00am
I get a text
I get a call
  I can't help you
  I wont let myself.
I'm sorry I'm so broken.
I try and give you comfort.
   No one was there to comfort me.
I try to be your friend.
   I didn't even have a friend.
I want you to trust me.
  I don't even trust myself.
Everytime I try to help I make it worse.
I can't help you.
I will hurt you.
Part of me knows you can do it.
I did.
I love you.
But I can't help you.
Sorry.
Bye now.

It's hard for me to open up to people
Because I am not where I have been.
I put up a pretty strong wall and it takes a lot for someone to get past it.
I have changed alot.
I justified the things I did, because honestly I needed to.
I got so low, I tried to die. I tried to **** myself.
People don't understand that when you are that low you will try anything to get yourself out of that hell. Just for a minute.
So yes, I have gotten high and I have tried alcohol and I have vaped.
Am I proud of that?
No.
But in the moment those things distracted me from my head and that is why I did them.
Because if I could distract myself long enough I could make it through another day.
I was living in hell.
I still have hellish days.
If you do any of those things, you aren't a bad person.
If they are helping you make it through today then that is okay.
Find something to hold onto.
Anything
And eventually you will start improving and your life will change.
Don't be to ******* yourself, we are all trying.
Keep going.

I am trying to turn over a new leaf
I am going to smile more on the inside
I am going to try and think positive
I am going to make goals
I am going to reach them
I will become a better person
I want to help others
I want to help myself
I have hope that I can do it
I don't have to be perfect but
I have to keep trying.
Just like the Marathon runner doesn't give up when he is tired
I am going to be strong
Be better
I know I will have falls
But if I just stand up and keep sprinting
I know I can make it
We all can.

Red yellow orange
Breaking up the plain surface
Dripping from above

it sweeps across you with a loathsome eloquence,
Weaseling it's way into you,
Grasping for your hopes and dreams.
Soon you find yourself upside down
Choking on what you once were.
The feeling is inevitable.
You're desperately seeking for your effervescent personality.
Its been drained from you, seeping out into a puddle at your toes.
You're left standing there as an outline.
There is nothing inside of you anymore, just empty space.
No matter how hard you try to fill yourself in, you will never be how you were before.
Don't bother trying to retrace the lines

"You're better now right?"
"Yes."
That is the biggest lie
You can't just get better from suicide.
You can't just get better from depression.
It always sits there haunting you.
Waiting for you to fail
Again
And
again
And
Again

have you ever felt
empty
have you ever felt
shattered
have you ever felt
wrong
9 days ago
I broke
9 days ago I decided that I wasn't worth it
I was shattered and empty and wrong
I woke up that day
I faked it so well
Laughed at work
Dressed up for a wedding
Then I sat in my hollow car
My thoughts echoing from window to window
I just needed to escape
my head
my car
my life
I couldn't fake it anymore
Antifreeze and sleeping pills
then it gets blurry
Hospital for a week
I don't want to say I attempted
because I failed
I am trying to be grateful for this second chance.
Waking up everyday
choosing to live
choosing to fight
Attempting was the most selfish
thing I have ever done
It wasn't for attention
I wanted to slip away
disappear
escape
fade
I am getting better
I am finding reasons to live
realizing that I am not nothing
I think life is worth it
It's going to get better

The minutes leak away
I just needed you to stay
I'm tired of sculpting gifts for you
Then you just shatter them on the ground
The pieces of me disrupt your path
I hope that you can flicker enough light to make it through the night
I would tell you to walk slow
Take your time
Be careful not to cut yourself
But you won't listen to me
So ignore my shards and run through the night to your other options
I'm so incomplete
Maybe that's why no one ever stays
I didn't want you to stay anyways
I have a room full of art that I'm too scared to share
Because it will end up scattered all over the floor without a care
You taught me that
Thanks for being a good teacher
Now I know that I'm not going to light anyone's way, I can't
You threw me away
I won't keep handing you my pieces
Plaster can't fix all of this
Flicker your way through life without me
It's better like that
I guess this is goodbye

Sometimes I just sit up in my bed
Because the pain hits me like a bullet
I can't be stuck in those sheets
In my head anymore
I'm shattered
it's 4:00am and I can't go back to sleep
I can't relax
Because everything is wrong
I am a circle and people are trying to shove me through a square hole.
I don't fit
I am living the wrong life
I can't be who everyone wants me to be.
I'm sorry
I'm not a square.

I can't sit up.

Since my puppy died I decided that I need to start living more
For her
I know that's bazare because it was just a dog. She wasn't though.
She was the reason I fell asleep
The reason I didn't go through with plans
She helped me calm down
My best friend
I know its sad and pathetic that a dog was my best friend
I don't care though
Cause watching her paw go slowly limp
Holding her white fluffy fur for the last time
It was heartbreaking
It broke something
But it also flipped a switch
I need to learn to be okay with myself
Cause you never know who is going to leave or when they will
But when they do
You need to still be okay.

cutting over fresh cuts hurts like hell
but I always end up doing it
because I deserve the hurt
I deserve to redamage myself
It's like when someone hits close to home
or when someone is kicking you when you're already down
I am just doing it to myself.

I wish I was six.
I could build a castle and be the most beautiful princess when I was six.
All I needed to fall asleep was my door cracked open and my momma's voice.
The cloud of kool aid dust made me happier than a lot of things, especially if I got to pour it.
When I was six I was amazing
When I was six I fought dragons and won.
Now that I am older I realize I'm not a princess and I can't quite remember how I built that castle.
Now I can't sleep with my door cracked open. I haven't been able to sleep much at all anymore.
Kool Aid has more sugar than water. It just makes me sad now.
I'm weak
The dragons fight me
And I keep trying to fight back
But I just don't win anymore.

I love you.
I just need you to hold me tight.
I know you can’t feel right now,
and I know that when you don’t feel,
you don’t care.
Sweetheart I’m just going to need you to stay right here with me.
I’m just sitting here watching you burn
Like a wildfire on a mountain
I can’t do anything about it
Except watch you turn to ashes.
I don’t want to stay
and watch your head burn up.
Baby please just hold me tight.
Tell me it’s all going to be alright.
You’re burning up
You’re pushing me away
You’re going to leave me
Don’t leave me
Please don’t leave.
I miss you.

Sitting at the edge of a cliff
feet dangling in the empty air
seconds away from falling
from jumping
from slipping
aren't we all just seconds away from disappearing
all it takes is one second
one gunshot
one car
one slip
and we could be gone
life is so delicate
all the people fighting screaming yelling
over nothing
because one day none of this will matter
the only thing that matters is that we lived and loved
and right now I feel like I should jump
but I won't
I can't
because
I have a mother and a father who love me very much and I simply can't break their hearts
so the days when I feel like giving up
when I feel like breaking
when I feel like puking and cutting and drowning
I need to remember that one day it will all be worth it
there is going to be a tomorrow
I sometimes forget that there is a tomorrow
find the last sliver of happiness in your soul
walk away from the edge
sometimes the best thing to do is absolutely nothing
I am learning that life is not about dying
we aren't born to die, we are born to try.
don't jump.

It all makes perfect chaos
How the shadows light up my face
The moon hates me
It tells me to **** myself
Depression works for the moon
They have an unhealthy obsession with me
Depression holds me captive at night until the moon says to let me go cause the sun starts to glare in.
The sun used to save me
Bring back my smile
But the night never leaves anymore
I try to ignore it.
But its hard to ignore something that has consumed you.
I'm scared.
What I'm going to do to myself.

If you feel hungry
Drink water.
Drink as much water as you can.
Still hungry?
Go take a shower.
Take four showers for all I care.
Still hungry?
Draw a picture.
Paint your toenails.
Do anything except eat.
Someone just offered you food.
What are you going to do?
Are you going to eat it?
Are you going to waste your whole day?
Eating doesn't help anything.
You aren't even hungry.
You are the problem.
Why would you make yourself fatter?
Why feed the problem?
Stop.
Put it down.
Say no.

This is what I go through every single day.
I am getting so tired.
It *****.

Ask me why I am wide awake at 2:36 am
Ask me why the lines on my skin are multiplying
Ask me why people keep leaving
I am so ******* up
my head is so ******* up
I keep remembering the nightmares
they replay over and over in my head on repeat
I am not getting as much sleep now
I don't know why I exist
I am tired of people asking me how I am doing
I have to lie
tell them what they want to hear
people never really want the truth
they don't want to hear
"I am struggling and I am drowning in my mind again and all I want to do is die"
they want to hear that you are getting better
and if you're not getting better then you should stop wasting their time and just die already
just slip away
The world is so ******* up
I don't want to be here anymore
2:26 am awake
lines going up my arms
people won't stop leaving
I just need sleep

Open your eyes
look at the ceiling,
okay just see it.
Walk outside and watch the sky
how it exists for you.
Honestly life is just about existing.
Put your toes in the scratchy grass,
think of all the bugs that might be underneath you,
they are just existing.
Watch as the flowers dance in the wind
they are performing for you.
The world is on your side.
Society is not,
but the world is.
put down the magazine
put down the phone
put down the calorie tracker
put down the social media.
lets go outside so that we can breathe
so that we can just simply exist.

Attempt:
An act of trying to achieve something.
A week ago today, I attempted
I attempted to leave
To breathe.
I got slammed in a mental hospital
The first day felt like a year
But then your life drifts away
Day by day
They blend.
Those places drive you to insanity.
I am lucky to be alive.
I have dealt with so many tears and worries and nerves in the past 24 hours.
My brother got a tat of my name on his arm.
My 12 year old cousin cried while she hugged me for 10 minutes.
My dad broke down.
“Baby I just can't lose you”
“We are just so scared”
“Don't ever do that to me again”
I matter to alot of people and I just am starting to figure that out.
I need to learn how to matter to myself
I am attempting to get better
I have hope that I can do it
Achieve:
A thing done successfully, typically by effort, courage, or skill.

YOU destroyed me
you shoved a knife in my back and didn't care when I screamed
I put needles of color in my arms
I chopped my hair
Dyed it black
Because you made me feel like ****
You made me feel like death
I need someone to pull out this knife
I have to sleep on my side now
The sharp edge scrapes my spine
It's infecting my head
You left
But your scar tissue will live on
I am glad you're gone.

Eyes open
Feet on the floor
Stop to look in the mirror
Step on the scale
Cringe
Brush teeth
Avoid eye contact with
Ugly/*****/worthless/sad/girl
Close the door behind you
T shirt + leggings + converse
Eyes watering
Breakfast//no breakfast//fat//skip it
Keys
Open door
Turn on ignition
And drive away.

This is just getting out the door in the morning. It's getting harder everyday.

We are the field of flowers. Society, the weeds.
They have an unhealthy obsession with the flowers.
Prickly vines, ripping open the silk petals.
The teardrops dripping to the filthy dirt, slowly sinking further.
Flowers have this dry chalky taste from being smothered by the ground.
The bitter sweet sound from being simply buried.
Weeds want to smell the absence of breath in the stems.
The Plastics ruling their high school kingdom.
Decorated vines. Vultures, waiting for an innocent death.
Kicking us when we are already down.
So done
More and more billboards killing little girls.
“Sometimes you are putting more into it than you could ever get back out.”
The silent thunder of hatred.
The fake love shown by the weeds.
The plastics shrinking everyone to the size of flowers,
So they can tear them from their roots and put them in their hair.
Quiet Girl hiding away, terrified of peoples opinions.
Eventually Quiet Girl will be worn as an accessory in the Plastics hair.
The dark lightning of reality.
“You are like the missing word in sentence, pointless.”
Hakuna Matata,
Doesn’t exist.
The flowers scream. The weeds are too strong.
Little girls ***** fingernails scrambling to dig up their busted petals.

She never really thought she would do it.
She never really thought she would be sitting here with a bottle of antifreeze in one hand and sleeping pills in the other.
Shaking
Debating
Panicking
She got to this point
Destroying herself
Suffering in silence
Hiding her mind
Hiding the cuts on her arms
She feels so selfish but she can't care
She has always destroyed herself
But now shes destroying others too
She hates herself
Anxiety
Note
Death
Tells people
Don't worry worry don't don't worry okay don't I'm fine fine fine okay I'm good
If this doesn't work
Life
Disappoint
Hell
****
But if it does
Done
Disappear
Alone
Empty
She doesn't know what is going to happen
She has now been sitting here for 2 hours
On this mountain
All alone
Phone off
Her mind is killing her
Chug
Gulp
Water
It's done
Now she just has to wait 3 hours
Anxiety attack attack anxiety who will find me it's going to hurt
Acute kidney failure
How she's dying.
She is crying
Crying
Vibrating
Questioning
Turns on phone
Phone on
Call someone
Someone anyone anyone
She wants to die
But her family will hate her
Her family will be heartbroken
10 texts
4 missed calls
Wait crying bawling
Her asking
Why can't I just disappear?
Why can't I slip away with no one knowing?
Why do I exist?
Why do I hurt everyone?
I wasn't thinking think
I was freaking freak
Call
Someone
Now
No
No
No
No.
She whispers to herself
"I just can't do it anymore"
Wipes away a tear
Reclines her seat in her car
And falls
Asleep.

They shove me full of pills because something is wrong with me. I am a broken carnival ride and the pills are supposed to be the mechanic. They are supposed to fix me. My head is going insane. You don't care. The difference between me and you is I am in my bathroom and you are ******* someone in bed. The difference between me and you is I want to die and you want to live. The difference between me and you is I am dismantling myself and you are trying to ride me. I'm broken. The mechanics are making it worse. But don't worry the insurance covers it. The insurance covers my head. Can I lay my head on a soft train track? Insurance would you cover that for me? 4 5 6 pills. How will I feel, can someone ride me yet? I am destroying myself.

The tears broke off my face
as the floor pulled me closer
my spine sliding down the wall.
The same room.
The same smell.
The same feeling.
It doesn't leave me alone anymore
It follows me
Its becoming me.
I am becoming it.
What is it?
I don't know.
That's the scariest part.

you taught me to drive
you taught me that family is most important
that adventures are always there if you look
you love me
out in the driveway teaching me how to shoot hoops
in the house eating cereal out of a mixing bowl
you told me I could be whatever I wanted to be
kissing mom on the forehead
you tell mom beautiful things that make her smile
hearing the garage door and running to give you a hug
laughing and crying
"if someone gives you an opportunity, take it"
waking up to a knock on my door on a Sunday "I made breakfast"
running at 5am and talking about life and why the earth turns
eating oats on the back porch on our red chairs
redbox and pizza and football
getting a drink from the hose
you could make the meanest tacos
putting a big arm around me and saying "I sure am proud of you beautiful girl of mine"
crying wishing hoping wanting
wanting this back
thank you
I love you and miss you daddy
college is hard
but I will make you proud.
sincerely, your little girl.

I can't do life right now.
I can't live right now
I am surrounded by my thoughts
They have out swords
My mind's not backing down
It's stronger than me
No Mercy
I tried running
I tried hiding
I can't hide anymore
It's holding me captive
My life on the line.
I just need to get lost
Please lose me
And once I'm lost
Don't bother finding me.
I don't want to be found.

Sometimes I get lost
I get lost in my head
In my mind
In my brain
Sometimes I can't find my way out
I can't find common sense
I can't find sanity
Sometimes
I get lost
I can't find my way out
I can't stand up
I can't walk
I can't keep looking
But I have to keep trying
I can't give up
Yet
I need to find myself
I think I have gone beyond myself
But I'm going to keep trying
To
   Find
       My
          Way
Back out.

I don't think I'm okay with you filling in the space between my fingers.
It scares me that I could ruin such a beautiful thing with one sentence.
I don't like things that begin
Because they always have to have an end.
What goes up must come down
I hate the coming down part.
So let's not begin
Let's never start so that we
Never
Have
To stop.

Here I am again
Sitting against the door
Shaking hands
Shaking chin
Water splashing on the floor
I try so hard to calm back down
Make the monsters run away
I never invited them over
They just barged in and demanded to play
I thought I locked them out for good
I was happy again
Until now
Now I hear them calling me out
No ignoring them anymore
So here is what I have to choose
My poison
Number one or two?
Both will **** you
But which kind do you want?
Neither? Well that's too bad cause you're picking one up.

I have tried and tried and tried.
And I seriously can’t anymore.
I’m not going to try to fix it.
I stepped it up every f*cking day.
I’m so exhausted
He’s not the same guy and it’s killing me.
I want to leave so bad
But I don’t
I just want him to care again
I just want to hear that he honestly wants me in his life
but he can’t do that
Because he doesn’t want me
I am always part of his problems
And I’m so done
It’s going to take him losing me to figure out that I’m not part of the problem.
I’m done
I’m tired
I want to go home
I used to think home was with him but I don’t know anymore.

This is a race.
You, against yourself.
Winning is all that’s important.
Rip and tear yourself apart.
Beaten.
When you fall in this race, you're on your own.
No one is going to help you up.
Fast enough?
never
You think you know how far you can push it
then you fall.
You fall in a hole of gritty hard dirt.
That hole of dark and dreary, starts to feel like home.
You give up on ever getting out of this hole that you fell into.
Wondering if you will ever get out and continue this race.
You could try to climb.
But you know this hole well.
And you don’t want to come out.
You won’t come out.
Race, failed.
Winning isn’t even possible.
You can’t anymore..
You're done.

I fall in bed at night
I can finally take off my socks
It's 98° outside
Branches going up my ankles
The shape of trees in winter
If my family saw
it would raise panic
I honestly don't care anymore
I don't care about anything
I want my body to be a canvas and a blade to be the paintbrush
Showing that I actually hate myself
You think you're okay until you see red
The moon picked up the knife
Slid it across my skin
Ink falling on the white tile
Words I could never say spilling out
This is not okay
But neither is dying
And this is better than dying
So this is my choice.
I am going to end up dead.

the last rose
the shattered rose
ripped apart
petals scattered
he loves me
he loves me not
she has been trying
attempting
to put this back together
to reattach the petals
thread staples glue
the flower is a mess
because once a flower dies
it won't grow anymore
but this doesn't stop her from trying
she waters it with salt water
streaming from her eyes
its an impossible task
but she wont accept reality
he killed the relationship
he killed her

lately i have been dissipating,
trying to vanish.
not die,
but not live.
there are clouds of smoke where my brain used to reside,
now you could classify me as a shell of a human.
this is my own fault,
right?
i became vulnerable
i handed him my heart.
i expected him to do the same,
but he deceived me.
he let my heart shatter on the floor.
i set his beating soul down next to me as i was picking up the pieces of mine that he had carelessly dropped.
turns out he picked up his heart from beside me without me noticing.
when i stood up i handed him the shards of my soul because that’s what you do in a relationship,
right?
you trust that person with those delicate pieces of yourself.
he then continued to grind the fragments of my heart into a fine powder
put it in pill capsules,
and took them as he walked away to a better option.
now he takes a daily dose of me.
he has his heart and mine and a piece of whatever girl he decides to make, no fake, whatever girl he decides to fake love to that night.
what do i have left?
absolutely nothing.
he has left me completely hollow.
heartless sleepless alone
and all i can do is keep waking up and wandering this empty life.
i am so utterly numb
i honestly can not feel right now.
i wish he would have at least given me some of my heart back,
even just half of a prescription.
i have lost myself
to his sick soul,
and it makes me feel absolutely nothing.
but hey,
at least i am making him feel better.
right?
at least the prescription is working for him.
i would hate to see it go to waste,
like the rest of myself.

I hope that one day I will actually be able to do things right.
I hope that one day I don't have to hide my head.
I hope that one day I will be skinny enough for ballet.
I hope that one day I can look in the mirror and smile.
I hope that one day I graduate college and move to a cute town.
I hope that one day I fall in love.

I am running out of hope
It's drizzling out my eyes and falling on the floor at my toes
I can't pick it up and put it back in my system.
I am running out of options.
I want to succeed but my life doesn't seem to work like that
I am so exhausted.

There was a girl
She was beautiful
Everyone loved her
She wore a smile, whiter than snow
She talked in the halls
She laughed in the locker room
She flirted with the jocks
Even though on the outside she looked beautiful and happy, she wasn't.
Her clothes got bigger
Her friends became mean
Her smile got faker
Her parents thought she was fine
She wasn't
No one knew it but she was plotting her own self destruction
She locked herself in her room
Put a chair against the doorknob and started swallowing.
Swallowing demons friends life
She never came out of the room.
The ambulance took the body
But they left the girl
She couldn't leave.
But maybe she was already gone.

I'm trying
I have called for help
I have kept going
Done everything they said to do
And none of its working
Its like I have a knife in my neck and people keep checking my legs to find the problem.
I don't know if that makes sense
I don't think I make sense.
Going to start taking meds again
It makes me more suicidal
But it makes my mom happy
Makes her feel like she is helping
Makes her feel like I am trying to be better
Mom I am trying
My head just hates me and I don't know how to make it stop
I've given up.

Actually I crave criticism.
I thrive off of it.
Please tell me I am wrong or I am terrible.
Please tell me to **** myself.
Please tell me that I am a fat ***.
Please tell me that I ruin things.
Because then maybe
Just maybe
I wouldn't feel as insane.

I grew up in a small town where normal was stupid and above average was normal. Girls wore their 8 extra curricular activities and 4.0 GPA draped around their necks with pride. Along with the boy who ****** them last night. But oh at church on Sunday they are still going to be virgins. Maybe I'm rambling. Maybe I have to rethink every word I say because, they helped destroy me. They helped me pick apart my body. Pick apart my brain. Maybe their designer clothes were okay. But the way they would shove others off their golden pedestals with a simple glance is what ****** me off. We weren't special like them. We didn't know the ins and outs. We didn't get the football players begging at our feet. We were gifted knifes in our backs that would leave traces of poison for years. Careful, word travels fast. We were expected to be like them.
I am so bitter.
But it's just because I grew up in a small town where normal was stupid and above average was normal.

I wanted to numb myself.
Read the panic in my eyes
You should be pleased.
"Please speak to me"
The walls tumbling down.
I nodded goodbye.
I didn't matter.
I wasn't going to hang around.
I headed for the door.
"Wait"

People ask me when I grew up
I don't really know.
My brother said its when my sister left for college.
My sister says its when high school got really hard.
My mom said its when I set my priorities straight.
I don't know.
I don't think I have grown up yet, I think I just got quiet. I stopped talking. I just stopped kinda everything.
I stopped watching movies with my dad.
I stopped singing in the car with people.
I stopped telling people how I felt.
I started hiding.
I started writing poetry.
I started faking smiles.
I don't think I've grown up yet..
I just started stopping.

Art
Art is a way for people to express themselves.
Art is taking what is in your head and making it real.
I could watch someone draw or paint for hours.
Watching them carefully trace all of the shadows in their minds
There is something about art that grabs my eyes and makes them stay
The musicians create music to compose a fraction of what is in their head
Dancers use the music like a canvas and their bodies as the paintbrush
Art is getting lost
Its becoming something to brag about.
Art is not caring who sees or hears it
Because you need it more than anything else.
But by default you have an effect on other peoples lives.

I can't please you.
No matter what I say you are going to be mad at me.
You are going to be mad at everything.
I know I'm not good enough for you.
I know that I don't say that right things.
I know you get sick of me.
I am sick of myself.
Throw me away then.
Why are you trying.
Why don't you give up.
I want you to give up.
Can't you see that?
I don't want you to care.
Okay?
You can't make me do anything.
It's my choice.
Everything is.

Sticks
Bones
Lines
Length
You.
want.
this.
Is it worth
Starving
Injuries
Sickness
Cuts
Abuse
y e s.

You left today
I heard it from a friend
You're not coming back.
I'm happy for you
You won't have to be in this prison
Stuck in a box of thoughts
I wonder what life is like for you now.
What are you going to do
without me
without us.
I hope you don't think about me
Please don't.
Just think of me as an old friend
We used to talk
We used to be close
We used to share secrets that no one else would ever understand.
Sit in a empty car for hours and fill it with our deepest fears and dreams until they would seep out the windows.
Its okay that you left without saying bye
You didn't want to risk me pulling you back in.
I don't either.
So thank you
Because of you I know for a
fact that I'm the problem.
I'm contagious.
Don't catch me.

Health class
We have a strange assignment
I have to write my own obituary
When I want to die
How I'm going to die
Its cruel
I can't answer it truthfully
Because if I did
It would raise panic
So I guess I will have to lie
This isn't the first time

dear friend
I dont know who you are
I dont know why I am sending this to you
but I need someone to know
I need someone to understand
that I'm broken glass
I just need to get rid of myself
throw myself away
you may never know who I am
and thats okay
I want to die
It has nothing to do with you
I just miss being a child
I miss finding joy in small things
I miss my puppy
I miss being okay
I think if I die I wont miss all these things so much
Im sorry im so self absorbed
I say "I" too much
"be a normal 18 year old, go have fun"
people keep leaving
I keep trying to be friends with people
Why do people hate me
normal is nonexistent
I hate myself.
I am getting bad again
the kind of bad where I dont eat for three days
the kind of bad where I stay up in the night to slice my paper skin
but also the kind of bad where I wake up and act like I am just peachy
I am not peachy
I am sliced in half
I am not whole anymore
I'm a fraction
I am worthless
I can't do this anymore
thanks friend for listening
you will probably throw this away
I wish you could throw me away too
sincerely,
me

Nothing is wrong.
And even if something is I'm not going to tell you.
Go away.
Give it time.
Leave.
Thank you.