I'll lie here and curse your name
and try to be angry with you,
even though I know my attempts
will end as a massive failure.

I'll cry my eyes out and
scream until my lungs are weak,
although it's pointless because
I will always come running back to you.

I'll put myself through Hell
and tear myself to pieces for ******* up,
simply because I will feel it's my fault,
even if you tell me that it isn't.

I'll pretend that I'm okay
and slap a fake smile on my face,
because it's all I can do without you.
Don't you know that I need you?

Please,
just need me, too.

Foot tap,
              tap,
                  tapping;
pencil chewed down to the core.
Focus, it will come.

Full disclosure,
My deepest fear is
Losing you.
Seemingly petty, but
The memories you’d
Leave me would be
A phantom limb,
Forever haunting me.

Kaleidoscope eyes,
They see the world in
Color, but they
Don’t see me.
Grey backsplash in
A city of rainbow;
The windows
Betray me.

A white witch
Stares at me in
The mirror, vile
And feeling loveless.
These lying eyes
Find bad intention
Everywhere I
Go.

This tricky brain
Plants seeds of
Doubt and jealousy,
Oh how they grow.
Hazel eyes green
With envy make
A generous
Green thumb.

For the record,
Playing victim got
Easier as my heart
Allowed itself to feel
All I’ve repressed.
It’s more convenient
To do the hurting
When I’m hurting, too.

Though I swear I
Never meant to enjoy
It so much,
Nor did I want to use it
On you. I
Am shameful of this
Power, and you are
Undeserving of the wrath.

Metamorphosis,
I will mold myself
Into a new being;
Eyes green with nurture
And lacking envy.
Full disclosure, I
Have you to thank for this;
Your arms, the catharsis.

I haven’t seen you in so many days.

Gnashing teeth unintentionally
Bite at bare, vulnerable skin
Like a cornered animal.

Lash out with the quickness
Of the cobra and strike
At anyone on your path.

I haven’t seen you in so many days.

Someone so sweet can
Become so sour with the
Flip of the mood.

Sharp tongue and bared teeth,
Darling, you are
Unexpectedly dangerous.

Hecate the great,
A being of magical
Origin. She’ll make
Your crossroads feel clear again,
A kind of sweet sorcery.

2. Guru of healing,
Darling Gula, patron of
The Sumerian
Followers. Nurturing
And motherly, her embrace.

3. Goddess of the pen,
The brain, the stars, all in one.
Nibida reads the
Stars and writes the story to
Keep it immortal and free

The morning bleeds hues of
Vibrant violet and rose
Over a peaceful world.
Feathers fluttering, leaves whispering
About the day to come.
The sun, like eyes opening for
The first time, shines like
Jewels lying in the creek bed.
Godless night washed away
With watercolor wildflowers.
Without such beauty,
The alarm clock chirping
Would surely be my enemy.

Pain that is root- deep
(Growth has never been comfortable)
But not pistol height;
On a journey for the map
To metamorphosis.

It's your birthday
And you're not even here to celebrate.

So here I am,
With the one I love,
Toasting to a soul.

How I ******* wish you were here.
How I wish you could've met him.
How I wish you knew how happy I am,

But I still
*******
Miss you.

How I wish that instead of you
Being the healer, someone else
Could've healed you.

But we still
Couldn't
Save you.

In the way that
Perfume smells different
On the skin
Than it does
In the bottle,
You are different on me.

You came to me
Swirling with chaos
And confusion,
And a brooding rage;
Like storm clouds
Provoking the tidal wave.

Your skin on mine
Smells like the calm
Before the storm;
Like morning coffee
And French vanilla
Goodbye kisses.

Like fresh picked lavender,
And a pinch of mint
Mixed with calming vanilla;
One inhale and I
Am transported to
A place that is home.

Home is where the
Heart is, and my heart
Is honeysuckle
And feathers,
And your touch.
And you, always you.

I remember the hatred I had for you.

You, the glowing beauty I wish
I could be, waltz back into a life
You left broken and I
Picked up the pieces to.

You, the smiling sun, attempting
To blind those who stare in awe,
And set fire to the heart of one
Who would've given all for you.

You, the toxic waste puddle,
Returning to a person who
Was once home to seep
Back into his blood.

I remember the hatred I had for you.

You, the brave dragon,
Showing up to wreck a home
That never belonged to you;
I think you've always known that.

You, the wilting flower,
Beg to be served your water
From a crystal ashtray, getting
Attention you did not deserve.

You, the broken heart girl
With teeth like a shark and eyes
That wander; disappear like you do.
You are no longer welcome.

Your hands
Braided with mine,
Like Lady Fate and
Father Time
Begged the Creator
To let us be.
Tangible connection,
Like you could
See the wires
Drawing me into
You.

You, the piece
Of the puzzle
That makes me
See the bigger picture.
You, the eye-
Opener that I do
Desperately needed to
Believe again.
You, the hand-
Picked violets I swoon
Over nightly.

Charming and
Breathtaking;
I am in
Awe of you,
Sweet baby blue.
The heavens crafted
You for the world,
And instead you
Picked me.
How lucky I am
To love you.

If I were to lose my eyesight,
My vision would be heightened.
Free from worldly distraction, I
See humanity for what it is.
It is terrifying.
It is beautiful.

2. If I were to lose my sense of smell,
Well,
I think I’d be just fine.
I’m used to not breathing,
Smothered by emotion
And over-love.
I think I’d be just fine,
But I’d sure miss the smell of you.

3. If I could never hear your voice again,
Please kiss me with all of your
Words. Let me read your lips
With mine,
Our own sign language.
Let your secrets spill on to
My tongue.
If I could never hear you say
"I love you", dear,
Let me feel it.

4. If I lose my sense of taste,
A fire would burn within;
To never taste your lips again
Would be a deadly sin.

5. If I lost the ability to touch,
I’d go madly insane.
A most basic comfort;
A primitive coping mechanism
Lost to the world.
A world without touching you
Is no world at all,
But the deepest pit of hell.
I do not wish to go there.

If I were a mermaid,
I'd float out to sea.
If I were a mermaid,
I'd feel bad for me.
The oceans are scorching,
and we can agree
that the death toll is rising,
no hyperbole.
If I were a mermaid,
I'd beg you to see
there's no hope for your land
if you can't save me.
I fear that these
issues will ever be
plaguing this Earth
for eternity.

I fell in love with
The sinless man,
But even he can
Still break my heart.

Sentences like daggers
Thrown mindlessly,
Likely unintentionally,
But still sharp nonetheless.

Intimate betrayal,
I’m overreacting,
Under reacting;
I’m done reacting.

You find pleasure
In others;
It’s not another,
But it isn’t me.

Wide open arms,
You run right past me;
You don’t touch me,
Not when you’re *****.

Sinless man exposing
His lust openly,
A lust not for me,
A sinless hurt.

I wanted to scream
Until I heard the
Whistling in my ear.
I wanted a song
To pair with the freight
Train crashing through
My heart.
I wanted to feel my
Bones shatter
At the impact.

But instead,
I implode
And my lips pull
Into a smile.
"Don’t worry,
I’ll be fine
In a while".

Spinning, spinning, spinning;
I'm getting sick and I feel
Too dizzy. I was not made
For this uncontrollable whirl.

Things haven't been as they
Were, and I'm not sure if it's
The changing time, or the change
In me, that is so unsettling.

Creatures peel through my brain,
Poking fun at my deepest insecurities,
And bringing them to life.
(I googled how to get rid of them.)

Their static fingers pry open scars
That have long healed, leaving
A brand new wound.
(Google couldn't find an answer.)

I just can't seem to grasp how
I feel so ******* alone, cradled in
His warm arms; I can't begin to
Explain that I love him so much it hurts.

Two battles raging in my head,
A fight that I didn't consent to,
And I'm left to pick up the broken
Pieces of who I used to be.

The problem with this war is
That it's at a stand-still.
Neither side has the strength to  
Keep fighting, although it's crucial.

I'm begging for its end, so I
Can begin to understand;
Understand love, beauty, myself.
I miss knowing who I was.

Nerve wracking,
Gritted teeth
Shattering,
Fascinating and
Exhilerating.

A kid in a toy store,
Overwhelmed and
Joyous, I can
Feel the magic
Surrounding you.

Violet hue around
A face of blue,
No one wears excitement
Like you do.
How I want to kiss you.

My hands aching,
You’re breathtaking.
Touch me so that
I may stop shaking.
I’m yours for the taking.

I take everything to heart,
So watch what you say.
It'll run through my head
And bounce around my brain.

I don't know if it's the hormones,
Or my talent of overthinking,
But something isn't right in me.
I feel like I'm sinking.

I'll take everything to heart,
Even if you don't mean it that way.
I'll let it settle within my ears,
Make me sick to my chest all day.

I wake in the belly of a poem.
Wading into watercolor
And a twisting labyrinth
Of Boston ivy.
I can't see through this fog
But it can see through me.
Words like pollen glide
On the wind and
Guide me like fireflies to
A sanctuary of wildflowers.
Here, everything speaks
To me, fluent in my native tongue.
Inhale, exhale, repeat until there's peace.
Bonsai at my feet as if
My toes are whispering to the roots:
"Grow, blossom, thrive",
And I will learn to
Take my own advice.

Lately, it's been memories
and sleepless nights.
My bed, our bed,
these sheets still smell like you.
I swear I hear your voice
echoing through the walls
at three in the morning, and
I'm awake for another sleepless
night.
I almost called you,
but I convinced myself not to.
Sometimes I have to remind
myself to breathe.
"Just breathe."

I have to remind myself that
the world isn't over, and that
my shoulders have carried far more
weight than that of the pain you
have caused me.
I can heal.
I need to remember that
yesterday is gone; it no longer
exists. I can't keep dwelling on
a past that doesn't
dwell on me.
I can do this.

Happiness is Karma’s sidekick.
A cruel twist of fate
Where you find everything you
Ever wanted and it’s
Ripped from your chest like
A bandage.

I don’t remember
What I’ve done to deserve
My fate. Karma
Surely gets hers, but
Happiness refuses
To love me back.

The L.O.Z.,
The place to be,
The party town of Missouri,
Is what I call home.

The hills of the Ozarks
House every known allergen, as
Well as families that are cooking
Something to be paranoid about.

This man made body of
Water holds the rumors of
Dead bodies and piranhas
That parents tell as wives tales.

The forever changing lanes
Of highway will lead you
To the same place; once
You're here, you'll never leave.

The rolling landscape is covered
In litter and overgrown weeds.
Crosses from car wreck casualties
Line the roads like misplaced bones.

Everyone that isn't from here
Thinks that this is paradise.
Everyone that lives here
Calls it the State of Misery.

I can’t love you gently,
It isn’t in my blood
To only give a portion
Of this heart.

I can’t love you gently;
My bones creak your
Name and my skin
Smells of you.

No, I can’t love you gently
When all this vessel is,
Is heart, and love, and
Love, and love.

I love with all of me;
I love fiercely and with
Strength. I can’t be loved,
Nor can I love you, gently.

I am hard again.
There is concrete and it traps me.
There is a numbness and I can feel it.

I am not well, in dream state;
Unconscious and heavy
With guilt.

I am changing,
    And it is chaos.
I am changing,
     And it is destruction.

I’m soft again.
There is a river and it fills me.
There is feeling again, and how I feel it.

I’m awake and alive,
Full and bursting
With love.

I am changing,
     And it hurts.
I am changing,
     And I love it.

"Ha, I thought you might"

You think about me.
You remember things about me.

Acknowledgement by someone
who's godly.

My heart playing some sick trick on my brain,
("Ha, I thought you might")

April Fools.

Wake up and my
Head is cracking
Like Kentucky pavement.

Foggy and frustrated;
(At what?)
**** this, **** that.
Morning ******* *****
Worse than Kentucky pavement.

Coffee caresses my nostrils
And lures me to the kitchen
By hand. Inhale deep
Like the first drag of a stress cig.
Pour.
       Sip.
              I’m a brand new *****.

The way the new morning sun
shines on your bare, pale skin
is magical.

Your blue eyes, barely open,
focusing on mine, put me in
a trance.

Your lips, kissing the sleep off of
my body, makes me fall even more
in love.

My birth control is making
Me crazy again.
Breakdown, rage, comfort,
Repeat. Repeat.

Like clockwork,
I have to remind myself that
"I'm no monster", "it's the hormone",
"I swear I still crave you".

My love for you is
A radiant bloom, being
Suppressed and bullied by the
Bushes bearing thorns.

My hatred for you is
The shell of the bird that
Traps the life inside, leading
It to claw it's way out to breathe.

Wait for me to emerge,
My shell is holding me back
As a safety protocol.
I have not been born yet.

Spread a kind song,
Unwind the dream,
Fall new on your veil.

Spread a soothing cold,
Twist the imaginary,
Surrender to the obscure burning.

Hang me
Like a Dali painting.
Oil on canvas,
Blood on skin.
No one understands me
Anyway.

Drape me
Like foreign fabric.
Silk on bedsheets,
Clothing to vessel.
No one feels my softness
Anyway.

Fold me
Like intricate origami.
Paper to paper,
Chest to chest.
No one feels the heartbeat
Anyway.

Because when I'm alone
  and have had too much time to think,
                              I over-think.
I wonder if you'll see
the bad in me, and find better within
                                    somebody else.
I wonder if you'll notice
that sometimes I miss you, and all I
                                    need is you.
And I wonder how someone
like you could possibly love someone
                                  like me.

(1)
There are inner battles that
Are waging within my soul.
Insecurity strikes with
Swiftness of the snake.

(2)
Awaken, rejuvenate.
Life is far too short to waste
Precious breath on tired souls.
Awaken your peace.

(3)
I was so used to reading
Others emotions like it
Was biblical scripture.
You make me humble.

(4)
I stopped feeling the need to
Read into everything when
You showed me an open book.
It's such a relief.

Shadow talk about
Z  o  n  i  n  g out
Like I’m not haunted
By its icy ghosts.

Fingers hold my eyes open
To memories of the last time,
Ones I’d hoped to
Never feel again.

I remember that my heart
Imploded, and my bones
Crumpled under the pressure
Of guilt, or pain, or shame.

My skin peeled back to
Reveal bleeding muscle and
Torn heart strings, still
Trying to play a happy song.

My eyes turned broken
Faucets the night he left
And I was so sure
He would never come home to me.

I stayed awake as long as
The lights stayed on,
And fell asleep trying to
Convince myself he still loved me.