My phone vibrates a second longer when I receive a text;
And I had not realised how deep the scars he left had cut.

There is a familiar sense of dread in the deepest pit of my stomach,
Each time someone dares reach out to this hollow skeleton.

I have not spoken to him in 8 months,
He has not spoken to me in 6.

Body, forgive my anger.
I know this illness is woven in your foundations.
I know you know no different.
This useless shell I have been gifted is only genetics.
You try your best,
I understand.
I try to.
You do only as you know how,
This pain is the only tool you have to break.
I know this.
Forgive my frustration.
My existence has been wrought with this suffering.
I cope the only way I know how.
I am not angry at you,
How could I be,
You have carried me like a mother.
Understand this loose host of elastic joints is just temporary,
This unholy soul is just unsettled.
Body, forgive my anger,
I know you don't know what else to do.

It's been one of those days,
Where I don't quite feel
Human.
Those days where my brain is elsewhere.

Like it's in the supermarket,  
And my bodies woken up in the car
Almost sure where it is.

Like I've just sat down,
And my brain's not sure where to sit.

Like I've lost track of how many drinks I've had,
But I can tell you I've been drunk 4 nights this week.

There is still a part of me that will always be a child.
I do not think there will be a time where I will lose her,
That part of me who needs to be looked after.

I have spent so long now trying so hard to independent.
The days I go hungry because it is only me who will cook,
They will always be a part of me.

I take solace in the knowledge I can always go home,
But the day will come when home is what I have built for myself,
And the only person who will cook for me is me.

I want to steal your kisses,
And your time,
And your love.
I want to breathe in your air,
And your feelings,
And bits of your soul.
I want to inhale your history,
And your sadness,
And your happy.
I want to wrap my arms around your shoulders,
And your heavy heart,
And your splintered spine.
I want to take your heartbreak,
And your worry,
And your tears.
I want to wipe away your jutted lip,
And furrowed brow,
And damp cheeks.

I want to steal every single part of you,
And only give back,
The good stuff.

I'll hold you when you're sad,
And then I'll cry myself to sleep,
I know you'll never stay the night with me,
I know you'll never care enough to stay.

It not like I even feel a thing for you,
I don't have a heart,
I s'pose Hell and Purgatory,
Ripped it from my chest.

I'm going to tell you the truth,
What I should've said from the beginning,
My heart is so full of ghosts,
I'm not sure if it can love.

I love and lost too many times,
I'm not sure if I can add a another loss.
I think I loved you from the beginning.
I think its always been in my heart.

You told me once that you stayed one step ahead,
Just to protect me.
I'm trying to protect myself.
I'm not sure if I can handle you leaving me every night.

If I chose to love you,
You'd have to stay every night,
And hold me together,
Touch the pain away.

My heart is filled with ghosts,
I'm not sure if it can love.
But you have a small place in my heart,
That even death cannot replace.

I always thought I knew lonely,
Like I knew her sinful curves and crushing caress.
But if there is something this year has taught me,
This year of new, and discovery, and sweet sadness,
It's that I never knew lonely.
She and I had merely danced together at a ball,
Or shared a joke at a bar.
Lonely and I were but aquintances,
Passing strangers in the street.

I know now that lonely is like an expectant lover.
She is omnipresent,
She is always there reminding you that they are out there,
While you are in here alone.
Lonely doesn't possess curves,
Nor do her gnarled hand caress,
She is ugly and suffocating,
She is ever-present,
Reminding you,
That they are still out there,
Without you.

His name,
Tastes like,
Sweet, soft velvet,
On my tongue.

To the guy who called me ugly as I passed him in the street.
Thank you.

Thank you for proving my anxieties right,
Thank you for reminding me why I hate going out,
Thank you for pushing me 100m back in my 1000m race to self confidence,
Thank you for putting out the tiny spark I'd gained in my eye,
Thank you for reminding me that everyone lies,
Thank you for making me doubt the mirror all over again,
Thank you for quickly undoing all the hard work I've been putting in,
Thank you for being the only ******* comment I'll remember,

Thank you.
****.

Tell me why the air feels thick,
Tell me why the trees seem to be crowding me,
Tell me why the floor is spinning,
Tell me why I can't breathe.

It's as though the air in my lungs has turned to liquid,
Like the oxygen in my blood is poison,
Like my breath is stagnant and stale,
Like there's to much wind for the sky.

The trees have moved closer together,
And no light can get through the leaves,
The road is dark and I can't find my way home,
And the air is too thick to breathe.

My anxiety makes the air in my lungs feel wrong,
Makes the shadows in the trees look worse than they seem,
Makes dark streets full of monsters,
Makes is hard for me to breathe.

Someone please tell me,
Why the air feels too thick,
And the trees are crowding around me.

Someone please tell me why I can't breathe.

They always told her she was skinny,
'You're like a twig' they used to say,
'You need a good roast dinner' they'd tell her.

She grew up being proud,
Of the way her bones jutted through,
Her pink paper skin.

When she reached 15,
The junk food and pride,
Caught up with her.

By 16 all she saw in the mirror,
Was mountains of fat and rolls upon rolls,
She wondered if they would still call her skinny.

At 16, she began cutting down on meals,
'If I miss lunch, I'll lose a little weight.'
'I don't need breakfast, not to be skinny.'

She can't tell anyone else,
She's the skinny one,
She can't be fat.

They've started noticing now,
The rolls under her tshirt,
They seem to get some satisfaction,
That the skinny girl is fat.

By nearly 17 she cannot stomach more than one meal,
Anymore and she feels sick,
To the pit of her stomach.

Aged 17 she wonders,
If they'd've brought her up the skinny girl,
If they knew how fat she'd get when she grew up.

Aged 17 she wonders how she got so
*******
Fat.

And all at once I disappeared,
I knew it'd happen soon,
You feel empty for a while,
Until eventually you turn to nothing.
I've been nothing for a long time,
So the feeling never surprised me,
I just hoped I get to say goodbye first,
Maybe I can save it for another day.

And all at once I disappeared,
I don't mind as much as I expected,
I've been feeling like a ghost a while now,
It was only a matter of time.

And all at once I disappeared,
I hope I won't return.

Leave me at the alter,
Ill wait for you,
Promise.

"Are you there?"
"Can you hear me?"
"I need you."

Lets compare scars.
Mine are in my mind.
Yours are on your wrists.

Lets compare feelings.
Mine are trapped in a corner of my mind slowly chocking me inside.
Yours are plain to see, splashed on the art you left on your arms.

Lets compare thoughts.
Mine weave in and out of everything slow tainting my hope.
Yours are to much to handle so you bathe in your blood.

Lets compare hope.
Mine is that I can make it till tomorrow.
Yours is that you make it each minute.

Lets compare ourselves.
We’re both in pain.
But who will chose to show it?

Lets Compare Scars.
Who’s are worse?

Yours?
Or
Mine?

If God is real,
I should like to scream in his face.
'What have I, or he or she done,
To end up in such a sorry ******* state?'

Or perhaps instead I'll pray,
'Are you there?
Can you hear me?
I have a few thing I would like to say.
You would know,
I am not one to pray,
But this needs to be said.
We're alone down here.
Its like you made an experiment,
And abandoned us before the end.
I have spent all my life,
Not believing in you.
Surely if you existed,
You'd not leave us,
In this sorry little state.
Some would say I'm a bitter woman.
**** it,
I am a bitter woman.
I am the voice sobbing in the night.
I am the one left alone.
If we are your children,
I dread to think how you treat your mother.
We were loyal.
We all fought for you.
What did we do?
What made you turn away.
They say we were created in your image,
I bet you cannot dare,
To look at yourself in the mirror.
You'll see a reflection,
Of what you've left us to become.
Oh dear God,
Are you there?
Can you hear me?
We need you.#

Today my feet did not want to touch the ground
My face did not want to break away from my pillow,
My body did not want to move from its embrace with the mattress.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for the floor either.

Today I want to sleep for a very long time,
I don't want to have to wake up until I'm really not tired,
I don't want to have to face another day of fatigue.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for being awake either.

Today I don't want to eat anything,
I don't want to drink,
I don't want to have to wake up my digestive system.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for my stomach either.

Today I'm not feeling up to changing,
I don't want to wear my outdoor clothes,
I don't want to tie my shoe laces.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for my wardrobe either.

Today I want to be depressed,
I want to lie in bed and wallow,
I want to feel sorry for myself because I am not important.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for feeling good either.

Today I don't want to be me,
I don't want to ever be me again,
I won't want to have to look in the mirror.
Tomorrow doesn't look good for my reflection either.

He smells like the first day of winter,
Like the cold air after fresh snow.
He feels like Christmas and Easter,
Like the suspense before a surprise.
He looks like festive Christmas lights,
Like a beacon of radiant light in the darkness.
He sounds like the first few flurries of snow,
Like the cold breeze, a roaring quiet.
He tastes like the dying days of summer,
Like he's always been in a different time.
He is like the world, and the heavens and beyond,
Like the perfect night, or the immaculate finale.