i love all of the words
that are not mine
just as i love all of the people
whom i can never have

i am a cycle of paradoxes
contradictory and scared
i repair the things
that should be left to crumble
and i destroy the things
that were meant to stand

i apologize when i dont mean it
im sorry
(no im not)
the eighth deadly sin twice removed
i have no place

sometimes breathing
is an emotional struggle
so do not send me onto the warpath
because eventually i wont know
if im looking to **** you or myself

im flammable
so dont use your words as gasoline
because you will burn with me

science says
the bee stings their victim
and dies

keep that in mind
when you take a stab at me

the finality of flame
smoking out my compassion
i watched the remains
go up in orange ribbons of goodbye

big emotions
leave big footprints

pain sharpens pain

hearts break loudly

overshadowing light

all i can hear
are all of the pieces
hitting the floor

maybe we dont believe
we're beautiful
because those who have
told us that
have hurt us

my heart will continue to beat
regardless of whether or not
you are still within it

turn me off
and turn me on
like a wind up doll

who needs love
when you have
electricity

who needs to lie
about their feelings
when they are
made of stone

there is a faint glimmer of hope
in escape

the sound of birds singing
through the window panes

a small stitch on a broken heart
forming with each passing day

a deadline
promising graduation
from here
from hell
from heartbreak

i hope i make it

i want to wrap my own hands
around my own waist
like your hands once
circled my hips
as if they were a planet
to orbit

except i want to
dig into my own skin
fingernails scraping ****** ribbons
removing your sweat from my pores
your skin from my skin
your blood from my blood

ill destroy my own body
in order to take it back

bleeding isnt fun
but its easy

she broke herself open
just to let you in
and all you did was show her
why she shouldnt have

she used to cry
when she stubbed her toe
but now she never cries
and theres one less blade
in the pencil sharpener

my heart aches
with what couldve been.

if everyone likes you,
then you arent living.

you cant make me
undo what i did
and i cant make you
care again

so i will acknowledge the pain
and do my best
to pave a new road

the thing about fires
is that sometimes
you just have to watch them
burn

she looked out the window
with a sad smile
the image blurred by rain drops
"youre crying just like me"
she whispered

isnt it sad to realize
you can never honestly tell someone,
"i wont hurt you"

i am a butterfly
you wanted nothing more
than to watch me fly
but you loved my wings
so much
that you clipped them

seven hundred and twenty nine feet below
a ferris wheel turns
shimmering in its slow white circles

a vision blurred
by hotel room windows
and sad thoughts
at 12:00 am

us
as humans
are three parts
struggle
one part
curiousity

asking our god
Google
how to solve
our problems

using .org
as a relevant source
for reasonable destruction

"whats the most painless way
to **** myself?"

"how can i tell if my boyfriend is cheating on me?"

we are unsure
if blood or electricity
runs through our veins

and we are almost certain
that some form of cruelty
lives in all of our hearts

living with brains running on
wifi signals
and vocal cords
fueled by poison

we suffer
and we make others
suffer

a pair of
combat boots
by my bed

a glass of rootbeer
on my nightstand

your toothbrush
on my bathroom sink

your hands
in my hair

these are all the ways
that you love me

these are all the ways
that you remain

a hex
a curse
a spell

im trapped
tormented
teased

i cannot escape
but i love it

when your heart is heavy,
you cannot just empty it -
and even if you could,
who would want an empty heart?

he reminded me
that hands
that big
were not only meant
to hurt

and another persons
largeness
was not meant
to make me seem
small

thank you
for swallowing
my hand in yours

thank you
for covering me
with love

a number is just
a number

a character
written on paper

it has no value
until we give it one

based on
accuracy
amount
rank

please do not
be mad
at the number
for reflecting
the value
that you give to it

your mind
has decided
not to be
your friend
right now -

but i am
always
your friend

i find myself feeling
so small
so insignificant
at the worst times

like when
your hand is in mine
and your fingers can traverse
such a large expanse

while i can barely
manage to hold on
to anything
for too long

and even when
i find my grip
the other side
lets go

major waterways
are connected
for a reason

please do not
remain
in your own
stagnant pond

the song
pulled out
my old heart
like a mighty
whale
resurfacing for air

huge, yet silent
creating ripples
in the surrounding surfaces

what they dont tell you
is that while traveling
on a one way street
sometimes its best to go
in the opposite direction

all this time
i blamed myself
for being
purple
when you thought
i should be
red
because it went better
with my eyes

now i am
a shade of
blue -

neither my
original self
nor
what you want

and blue is the color
of depression.

you have given me
so much love
that my two arms
cannot carry it

so i have grown
stronger
to be able to
bear it all

i have come to accept
that i am always
full
of love
of hate
of anger
of pain

i am never
half way

i can never
meet you
in the middle

if you pick me up
and make me spill
i am not sorry

its the things
that were never planned
that taught you
how to breathe again.

and in those moments
when you ask me,
"are you okay?",
there is too much
light
to say no
and too much
darkness
to say yes

his eyes
were as
blue
as the way
he made me feel.

i am not
a
¨lover¨
but rather,
a temporary
fixation

thank you for showing me
that high heels are useless
unless you strut -
so ill reapply my lipstick,
kiss the mirror instead of you,
and move on.

hello heart-eyed doe,
tripping over your delicate feet
following the warm promise
of spring

hello heart-eyed doe,
don't let your spirit go
while you're out searching
for your love

i am sorry
that i have cared so much
that i cannot care
anymore

if you never change,
you'll never get anywhere -
but if you keep changing,
you'll leave yourself behind.

the concept
of an eraser
looks good
on paper
because in
reality,
that is the only thing
it works on

i am a human -
and sometimes,
that scares me

there is a
safeness
in not caring,
but also
a comfort
in caring

they said that
"what doesn't
**** you
makes you
stronger",

and even though
you didn't
**** me,
you sure
left me
feeling dead

one day
i would like to
step out of
my evening shower
to find you
in the kitchen
saying you liked
today's rendition
of our favorite songs

same place,
but never
the same time.