ok...

try so hard
to get with you
struggling ,
looking like a fool
you don't want me
so you say
yeah, hear that **** everyday
its nothing new
tell me something real
put me in my ******* place
im so tired
running in circles
playing all of your silly games

****, pay attention to me
maybe we can get thru things
all of it that you deny
going to wind up with some other guy
who gives no *****
now ur chasing after lust
it should've been lust
should have been us

im standing here so strong
waiting to feel this love
break me down
now im numb
i don't even know trust
just **** me up

its always been you from the start
didn't quite know it but inside my heart
quite a spark
much like a firework on the fourth of july
****
looking at **** now your the love of my life


****..

driving on home
windmills danced with the whispers of the wind
corn fields repeatedly mesmerize my mind
as i looked out the window
trying to forget

chilling music crept along the wave of the scene
my heart races with the beat
of the drums echoing in my ears

promises ahead
the long road awaits
the future never ends
curves along the bridge
silence is now my friend

traveling to tomorrow’s reality and today’s fantasy

worlds apart
yet
souls never drifted too far
for the one she left behind
perhaps, for a moment in time
yet, if time was measured by love time would not exist.
love has no limit.
much like the universe, circle of life, depends on it.
when reconnected, gain was overruled by loss
reality was better than a dream, till the end of the universe
but that's just it, it never did..

maybe
if i was a pretzel
i'd bend over backwards for you

maybe
if i was a piece of meat
i'd let myself get stabbed in the back
repeatedly

maybe
i need a hearing aid
over the words that you speak
because they don't match your actions
accordingly

maybe
just maybe
you're too blind to see
the face of reality

maybe
after all this time
the moment has arrived
to say goodbye.

me and you.

vs. everyone
vs. problems
vs. simple mishaps
vs. endless possibilities

me and you vs. the world

but the world was against us
we did not stand a chance.
ended up in total disaster.
funny, how the story changed

me vs. you

who wins?

two hundred and seventy-three days of being a shelter to the outside world
9 months later out comes your baby girl
the look on your face is anything but surreal
dreaded by society and drenched in tears

eighteen years later
she's all grown
into a fine individual
that you yourself have molded and sewn
together.

guidance and wellness
into a human being
nurture and tenderness
the future is far from foreseeing

another six years
a full-fledged adult
living amongst the youth
the elderly and the kind
everything that is you

no longer a child yet a child to you
forever and always, a love so true

a mother you'll be,
a shelter succumbed to the outside

thank you for being a home from the start
never apart whether in spirit or heart
                                   love, your daughter.

it was time to go. and head on home. just about evening the sun beginning to set and so we set ourselves on the road. the journey had begun. bumping to some music on the radio laughing while we sung our heads off. we felt at peace together. the weather seemed to shift as rain clouds began to head on over us. and so once sunny and dry became cloudy and wet. the rain came down slowly. drops per five seconds and suddenly escalated as it pitter pattered on the windshield. as the wipers tried to fight them off but the rain came down so hard we felt blind. a rush to be driving down the freeway not being able to see oncoming traffic but alas the rain yielded to a stop and the sun came back out. and so we still drove onward thinking that the rain had passed and i felt back at ease into my seat. ungripping the handrail and taking a sip of my drink. conversations continued and yet faintly you did not answer me. and so i was confused as you looked out the window wondering why you were ignoring me. and a few seconds passed that seemed like a lifetime and yet still no answer. and you began to shake. your arms flung towards me your feet pushed up harder against the pedal and we veered down the road at higher speeds. realizing you had no control over your body i began to think on my feet and so intuition and adrenaline took over my body as i grabbed the steering wheel you so vicariously pushed me out of. steering us into the field soon after i turned off the car trying to keep us from bumping into any traffic. because of the rain of course the field was muddy and so the tires became slippery and veered out of control. in front a large tree and you pushed me even more out of the way to where i was losing control. so with all my strength i pushed back and steered to the left only to hit the branch of the tree by an inch. but that inch spun us out of control into circles until we finally became a complete stop. i paused to catch my breath and realize my surroundings. the drink splashed over my pants. your body covered in sweat. my heart pounding in and out of my chest. i opened the door as to catch some air and yet you were confused. your mind not entirely here with us i rushed to type the phone to call for help but my fingers could not move. luckily some passengers along the way had veered to the side of the road and called my attention. as they called for help i reached back out to you to see if you were okay but you were still not stable. now when help arrived i felt a little at ease. i had called our parents letting them know the event had taken place but yet we were alright. as the paramedic examined us both telling us we were lucky to have lived. for if i hadn't done what i did and we hit the tree or worse as opposed to oncoming traffic our incident could have been fatal. and as we left the scene my mind stayed in shock. perhaps for the next few months although knowing that it was over. in my mind it cycled over and over and over again. for sleep i did not in fear of having nightmares. for the rain and the roads had scared me into being secluded. and for months anxiety , depression & perhaps a case of PTSD had taken over my life. of course you had no memory of the event that had happened so you unfortunately did not suffer in the likes of me. and i look back and i wonder how this small thing this small event had been slightly life changing.

forget me
all the times we had
what i thought was love
was a joke waiting to be told
laughed by your own
tore away at my soul

hello drugs
how you've been good to me
left my body numb
I've never been more free
... cant you see

you were the drug i always needed
to let go of the world
all of these tears gone to waste
if i could choose my life
so easy to copy and paste

a different me
another path that could lead
to happiness
if only
if only it wasn't just a dream

im numb

as i type this out, tears fall from my cheek to the laptop
lately, it seems like I can't stop myself from crying
maybe it's all the alcohol running through my bloodstream that supplies the never-ending tears
as i keep typing i realize, i can't remember what it's like to be sober
to be happy
to breathe
this pain may not be physical but it hurts just the same, maybe worse
when all I ever ask for is reciprocation
and maybe that's too much
this lump in my throat followed by a swig of gin makes me feel less and more simultaneously
all i want is to not feel anymore
to be numb
I only have myself to blame
i guess a toxic trait of mine is putting myself into horrific situations
i just can't seem to learn
when will i?
as i continue typing, i realize words don't do anything for me anymore
it's all about action
but maybe that's asking too much.

i forgot how to feel
my body is cold
my heart is of steel
as i remember love is unreal

a memory
a dream
a distant thought of you and me

drowning in my sorrows
im a lost soul searching for tomorrow

I've become numb
left defeated
damaged
a crumb at the end of your mind

love left me blind
and than it intertwined
with my heart deeply fried
into charcoal bits
left to wither into the dust
blended together

im anything but numb

oh boy,
you've been working hard
to get to me
oh boy, don't you know im not easy to please
oh boy, oh no.
don't even try
I've been let down way too many times.
I've lost count
oh boy, you might be the one for me
but I'll push you away
I'm not what I seem
your in love with a dream
oh boy, oh no
don't make me break your heart

should have been an astronaut
get in a rocket and just take off
this is not my world

im an outsider
searching for my universe
my place is not on earth

cant compare to humans well
though I try
to relate
I just die a little on the inside
----------------------

space
the planets and views behind
catches me by surprise
glimpse of my eye
a piece of my life
flashes before me...


to be continued

lately, ive been working on a deeper meaning
of my writing or maybe my life
actually, who am i to decide
because both of these subjects seem to intertwine
into one,
one that is me
evidently,
im trying to hard to force things

go with flow
go with what i know
what ive always been told
to do the right thing
follow the path of certainty

I'm tired of trying
i just don't think
I can do this anymore
with all of my pain
tell me what's keeping me out the door
i just don't know anymore

if its too much too handle
my heart breaks everyday
and its always the same'
tell me why nothing ever changes
for me

living life in this sick reality
i want to wake up
but this isn't a dream

its a nightmare
and im a prisoner
locked and cant find the key

its the one thing
thats keeping me from leaving

stay up all night
my eyes are red from crying
ask me how did i sleep
i say, "just fine"

i admit i haven't been alright

its just one of those days
but its everyday
and i never have the urge to change

something inside
its different in me..
no longer alive
i don't even breathe

a prisoner in disguise
a prisoner in my own mind
in my bed full of lies

academy award for the actress I've become

your the reason i drink
im too tired to think
don't wanna believe
this was all make believe
merely a dream
and i was blinded by love
just couldn't see
you were never the one for me

lack of motivation
life gets overwhelming
where am i consciously
thoughts are unpleasing
they tell me "chin up" but it's not that easy
swear it's like a disease
only can rely on me

tell me , am i setting myself up to fail?
just wanna make it , don't tell me the ship has sailed
spinning in circles , ******* life derailed
just take my *** to jail
problems too big it broke the scale

i'm losing myself ; can no longer feel
is anything left even real?
lost control soon as i took my hands off the wheel
swear i'm so low , how is this ideal?

gasping for air
if i took my last breath
who would care?
death and despair
why can't i just disappear

ripped apart from reality
the page tears
fell to my knees
so i say a prayer
why is happiness having an affair

how can i find myself
try to rewire my brain
force feed me pills to get rid of the pain
think i'm going insane
i'm not that picture perfect
don't pick me up and put me in a frame
compared to you , we are not the same

stuck in a slump
this is a speed bump
fall back down just to get up
than i shrug
life's got me ****** up
but negativity i will unplug

sweep these feelings under a rug
squash depression like a bug
don't come around if you ain't got no love

least i know my way back home
where the flowers bloom
the fireflies glow
when i take a midnight stroll
if i get lost along the way
i'll search for the words i wrote
and sing along to the tune that goes

"you might hit me with throws
and the low blows
put me on a ledge
keep me on my toes
but this is not the life i chose
if i'm down only god knows
i'll find the glasses colored with rose"

I'm sorry
it's just all been too much
I'm tired
of feeling like I'm not enough

I have one foot out the door
I hate asking for more

but I can't continue to live this way
if I do I'll just fade away

the end of me
i don't want to see
i don't want to meet
that side of me
ever.

so i must escape
if i have to i'll run away

buried beneath the doubt
it's so hard to find a way out
digging myself out of despair
when all I ever wanted was to disappear

it's painless to descend into the aftermath

at times I could convert to a sociopath

but here I breathe
trying to discover what I need...

if ever I fall again
it's catch and release
because I can't bear the glance on your face
all I'm reminded of is a big disgrace

existing is my last chance
looking back at my past

for just a second I can't escape
but something is telling me
there's another way

if I go down this path

what will that do for me?

who am I to question?
when the answer is inevitable

so I keep chasing
until I run out of breath
until then...

gently wipe away your tears
as my finger grazes your flushed warm skin
i lock my eyes inside yours
and attempt to take away your pain

"don't worry baby", i whisper, "I'll take care of you."

soft kisses as our lips collide
wrapped in my arms, holding you tightly
if only just for tonight, a shoulder to cry on

if you're willing to fall , I'll be here to catch you.

she searches for something in you,
there's more inside.
if only she could find what's beneath the surface
deep into your soul, entering abyss
a secret, like no other
small yet undiscovered.
too scared to show the world
but to you she's more than a girl.
more than words could tell
a distinct yet distant feeling
goosebumps rise the hair on your skin
urging yourself to commit into sharing a secret

perhaps,


                                       love is real

all this time
my whole life has been a lie
from deep inside
living always felt like a crime

you might be like me
but I am not like you

self defining
im only into me
conceded
but its reality
this is my life
that we're talking about

so i'll chase after my dreams
i'll find ways
no more make believe
im self defining
me
myself
and I

my life has been ripped to shreds
my heart has been ripped apart
instead of living
I want to be dead

I want to be rid
of all this guilt

you don't understand
how I feel this way
it's comprised
and you're the delay

I've been broken
and beaten
to the core

its been years
since
I kicked you out the door

yet you're still here
haunting me
I can't find a way to breathe
can you believe
all of the damage you've caused me
in this lifetime

must be a record
when I put it together
if it's not me it's her
I've been hurting too long
been put in the wrong
and it's just too much

can't believe you ripped me to shreds
into tiny pieces
I let you lead me on
all along
so my mistake
wouldn't have it any other way
I'm already gone

shreds
ripped into pieces
none of me is decent
that's left

shreds