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jas Jan 2018
drug me up
ice in my veins
chills down my spine
a twitch in my eye
like a fire
burning slow
filling my lungs with a leftover residue
towards a suffocation
of my body

I'm sick..
day 17 of 365
jas Sep 2018
i don't ever want to be sober ... again.
i don't ever want to be...
and i'm asking as a friend
if this is it,
let it be the end
drunk on thoughts
blurred vision
******* a mission

dressed in white
sober me
deceiving all of the lies
what is the difference between wrong and right
a never ending fight

i'm gone
please, don't look for me
not anymore
i'm out the door
and i said my goodbyes
this is the end of
sober me.
jas May 2019
there is a problem that I keep facing
you see, usually, I get drunk and seem to forget the reason why
but here I am sober
and I still remember
the reason I wanted to drink
to stop thinking
I can't help myself
so pretty sure i've gone insane

I know, I know all my poems are so relatable
you can tell this writing is me

but no, this feeling is different
i've liked people before
so no big deal

but this one,.


my breath is taken away
my heart stops a beat
this is a whole movie waiting to happen


--------------------
jas Sep 2018
F*
so social anxiety is a real disorder
it affects the best part of us
yes I want to go out
yes I want to see you
I'd love to actually
but you see
the way my anxiety is set up
rain check?

socially comfortable
no
social stability
I need both.
inside my demons fight each other to the core
death match
me vs.me
jas Jan 2018
sometimes

sometimes i stay up all night crying
been waiting for you all my life
& i swear i don't even know why
i guess my love never dies
you can tell me lies
& id still be surprised
always seeing the good
that's my outlook on life

do me wrong & i do you better
hurt me more & i love you harder
can't seem to let you go
& so i let my hurt grow

time passes on
days are long
put my feelings in a song
just tryna remain calm

losing myself
can't help how i feel
must let go
& learn how to deal
but i'm so alone
aching in my bones
who do i call
when nobody answers their phone

yeah my heart aches
like an earthquake
how can u be fake
and risk what's at stake
wish you could feel my pain
wish you could take it away

so i don't wanna wait anymore
so i'm gunna walk out the door
take my heart , & let the rain pour
my love never died but my soul was sore
sometimes you just let go.
sometimes you can't hold on.


think i'm sad but i'm not
& im glad we had this talk
jas Jun 2018
im sorry...

pour a shot
shoot me in the f*kn head
this **** is explicit
im on my knees at the edge of my bed
just prayin
lord save me
from all the sorrow
all the tears
i spent my whole life living in fear

broken hearted
torn apart
limb by mfn limb
if love is a sin
send my *** to hell
every task i try turns to dust and i fckn fail
i keep asking for signs like my *** aint blind
never ever did i learn to read braille

this is the end of the beginning

im sorry..

to put 100% effort into all that was worth it
the future
love doesn't last unless its lust
if just for a moment
my body is just like a catacomb
tore my heart right out of my chest
and now im in debt
for the rest ..of my mfn life
enough is enough
im signing over my got **** rights
of this life
jas May 2019
you are the most beautiful person i've ever accepted into my life
my heart tingles sending electrifying waves straight through my veins
drawing ever sense of mine to
your soul

the power of connection that brings two spiritual beings to collide into one is indefinite
your aura annexes the neurons traveling throughout my body

this path appeared without my knowledge of intertwining fate
in where I'd never encounter a most perfect individual
one full of the universe multiplied by years of worth

till the end of time and back, for there is no death of a soul
if I could just freeze this ripple in time where our bodies encounter
with a warm intoxicating embrace
so exhilarating,

in this life that exists today,
I'm delighted to have accompanied your presence
an aesthetically pleasing inner being

one that encourages me to have a better perception of existing
to live life vicariously with a passion

a mentor
beloved friend
one who reads my soul like an open book


you are my soul and I am your mate.
influential in every way
the words that you say
leave me crazy
but in a good way
I swear

i've been putting my actions into words
I cannot compare to observe
so if you, you know


my soulmate
i wrote this for one of my dear friends i enjoy. much love for you - p
jas Sep 2018
left in the middle
of a never ending discussion
between me and you
jas Jan 2018
stuck
in a blank mind
going 360 like a carnival ride
i start questioning life
eating up my time

does anyone ever notice
that inside i’m broken
over words left unspoken

hiding.
feelings misguided
& undecided
stuck.
day 10 of 365
jas Feb 2018
help me
I must be dreaming
this is not the life I asked for
im not
myself anymore

help me
I cant seem to escape
these nightmares follow me home
and in my sleep

help me
im begging
idk what to do anymore...

so im asking
please
help me
as I take ... my last breath
maybe you'll reach this in time of my death
-----------------------------------------------------------­------------

I asked for help
but you weren't quick
im at the edge of my steps

I found a way to escape
so thanks
for helping me


- goodbye
suicide is real. reach out to those you care and even those you may never contact with on a daily. life is a struggle and its easier if you have someone to listen. don't disregard the signs. ask for help or be the help.
jas Apr 2018
watching the sunrise with you
a true beginning of each day
its radiance danced on our skin
goose bumps travel from the tips of our body warming inch by inch into our hearts,
warm bodied and full of life
its your love that drives me insane
day by day
my heart glows into my aura that shines on the outside
much like the sun
jas Feb 2018
my eyes burn from the urging sensation of a tear being held back
screaming to come out
and lumps in my throat I cannot seem to utter out a word
or even a breath, at that.
I've almost forgotten how to feel on account of the walls around my heart that are built up so tall.
strength holds them together but there is a slight crack in the corner,
you just might miss it.
but if you look real closely with not only your eyes but your own mind, you just might see it.
and once inside that crack the walls crumble to the bottom, so effortlessly
im vulnerable.
I do not like this feeling
its torture, really.
as I struggle to fight it , I realize that I have lost my strength
im broken
these tears in the back of my eyes have made its way onto my face
streaming warmly down to fall on my shirt
its not that I have given up on love , its that I've given in
I've allowed myself to get hurt once more
another tragedy in a page of my book
so these tears may run out soon enough
but in this moment
I will shed these tears
of hurt

I can only blame myself
jas Jan 2019
can't go on anymore
staring at my phone
thinking of when you'll call
or show up at the door

indecisive
unreliable
disappointing
just an *******

that's you

i'm so sick of dealing
with my heart hurting
can't get rid of this feeling
of not being enough

untruthful
mistakable

that's you
jas Jan 2018
I'd rather be down by the ocean with you
smoking a blunt & drinking a few
the waves so crisp, the air with such breeze
happiness exists in memories

sun kissed skin, that I love
lay with me and view the clouds from above
I'd wish for this to never end
me and you
walking across the bend
day 23 of 365
jas Jul 2018
-it's the end-


it was the end of a heartache
it was the end of a nightmare
it was the end of one world
but not of the girl

never knew she was strong
for holding on for so long

heart at the end of the brink
she can barely breathe
trying to escape
aching to be free

-it's the end-

when is the end
and here she's begging
for the message
at the bottom of a bottle
can't find the answers
that's the problem

the end of beginning
jas Aug 2019
she didn't even know her last breathe
he didn't worship the time that he had

somehow fate got intertwined

these two beautiful souls
had no idea it'd be the last time
the last time that anyone knew                         -repeat-
of


grew up a sweetheart
that everyone adored

was the homecoming king
that everyone pursued

little did you know
the battle behind it all
struggling imperfections
little to no affection

life contributes to derail downwards
no train to stop
this never-ending war
both seeking a way to soar

battled by a deep indignation
left the two with frustration

one way
two deaths
whose talked about more?



... the one that you care for...


it's not the last time
or committed crime
to be going up against
not d
jas Apr 2018
looking into the past
wondering why we didn't last
all those chances i gave
all the promises you made

i should have known
all the promises you would break

forever reminiscing
thought it was you i was missing
it was always your *** i was kissing
tell me how i got so caught up

in lies
in what i thought i knew but was disguised
memories, and how i wish that they would die
like our love
so ashamed of how many times i tried

its in the past
how i wish to forget
but my heart doesn't stand a chance
past love
jas May 2020
is reality your nightmare or is your nightmare reality?
jas Sep 2020
the fact that the price tag is still on the beanie you bought me,
claims the truth
it's not that the little things were priceless,
it's that they turned up worthless
up to no point in return
I'm such a hypocrite saying that I never ******* lie
lately, it seems that I do it all the time
all of the poison that I drank
from the cup you gave me
I should have never accepted
I must have been ******* crazy
you would never deserve a poem from me
I'm already speaking too much
you were never worth a moment of my time
wasted in more ways than one
this bottle of gin never loved me more
the fact that the little **** I see
reminds me of you
and the thought I was once loved
makes me sick
I wish I would have known before that I was meant to fix you up
call me a ******* repairman
man, that's ****** up
what did I ever do to deserve this?
the biggest heart
and never a flinch
but when you look back
you call me a *****
you say the opposite of everything I've ever done
I don't understand that logic
at the end
you're the one who ran
at least after the end of reading this
I can still stand
*caution explicit**
jas Jul 2019
crying myself to sleep at night
all I want to do
is disappear
every thought that goes thru my head
wish I didn't hear
jas Jan 2018
this one is for you, ... baby girl
---------------------
its yours
--------------------
im yours
----------------------
all of this time
getting to know you
all of this time
digging into your soul

and I swear that I found treasure
no one else could measure
up to you
**** girl, a dream come true

all my life
I've been done wrong
all of my life
its been so long
since I could find somebody to love

adore,
cherish
mesmerizing you are

all of my life
and you
are timeless.

one of life's greatest mysteries
to be stumbled upon
that's how I know in the end
this is love.
--------------------------
this one's for you girl,
all of my life
getting to know you
all of this time
----------------------
it's timeless.
day 20 of 365
inspired by "rose" on YouTube / instrumentals
jas Aug 2018
we all coexist within another.
father time, granting us a constant movement of life
a cloaked, bearded man with the power of an hourglass.
an endless cycle of highs and lows effecting the world
as above so below.
alas, without love, the earth would turn to dust
drawn together, since the beginning of eternity
father time founded mother earth.
intertwined out of chaos, a nurturer was born.
to create out of love,
trees alongside the sea
time never catching up to the speed of light
equality of the unknown, transpiring its purpose to live
granted, the universe aligns in peace
nirvana at its peak
solely, as an individiual
we seek the hidden purpose
beyond ones navigation of life
jas Nov 2019
sometimes I forget to breathe
other times, I don't want to
I'm sick and tired of struggling
it's a never-ending option
funny, isn't it?
people claim to care about you and how you're doing but who really asks?
good intentions are hard to find

nobody could ever truly understand my mind

I cry myself to sleep at night
and show up to work the next day like I'm alive,
mysterious or just well hidden?
I ask myself that every day

constantly struggling between dreams and reality
drained of this mentality
forced to be part of the unknown
....

strong enough not to stream tears down my face yet weak enough to feel emotions like lightning
on the inside, I'm slightly dying
I won't go down without a fight
jas Jun 2020
I know that most of my prompts have been a bit more on the depressed side than usual. That's because I feel myself going down the rabbit hole far too quickly to keep up with my emotions. I can only put them in so many words. Writing is one way to release these pent up emotions that scar me on the inside. But even writing no longer seems to help. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. No, I am not on the verge of killing myself so I guess you can't really call me suicidal. But, I can say I have thought about dying every day for at least a few months. Thank you, to those who spoke up. I am merely from a standpoint frozen in my mind... frozen in bad thoughts.



it never ends.
jas Feb 2018
treasure
your heart marks x
on this map of mine
its been a journey
took long to find

compass
sure led me straight to you
over unbearable nights
I searched the clues

treasure
at the end of this journey
finding you is well deserving
this is feb.5
jas Jan 2018
i knew i was in for a treat
you lick your lips , so sweet
the passion in your eyes
thrilled knowing your mine
a taste like fine wine
touch me & i tingle
this feeling inside me lingers
a breath of fresh air
across the room you light up a flare
a sense of your energy
i feel inside me
the more we delay
the more it's foul play
surely you attract my heart
my soul
my mind
right from the start
adoring you vastly
hoping you experience the same
keeping me sane
from going insane
this love game
scared to feel pain
reflecting back to you
takes away the blue
thinking about something so sweet
my dear , your a treat.
day 6 of 365
jas Jul 2019
don’t know why your my problem
why do i feel so guilty to solve it
is it something i did
can i ever take it back?
why does it feel so right
when it’s so wrong
but what do you know?
that i don’t

please don’t forget
that between me and you
it’s the truth
try
jas Dec 2017
try
I've built myself from the bottom up
tried so hard but I ran out of luck
I pushed myself when I was stuck
why do I feel like im not good enough?

I get beat and burned to the ground
I scream yet I make no sound
one minute I'm above water and the next I've drowned

it always happens to me, it seems
I try to much just to get defeated
broken and beaten
what is my reason...
to keep on being.
two
jas Feb 2020
two
our heart and mind send signals to keep us together
or it could be veins and organs functioning as one
but I know deep down inside that it is our souls
that keep us from breaking apart

you could have a heart attack and not another will to live
a brain aneurysm can lead to a coma where there is no longer interaction
veins can be clogged and organs can easily shut down
one without the other can be dangerous yet two or more can cause death
a death that cannot be survived

yet, you can never **** a soul
it may inhabit a body for a timely manner
or many past lives
but it cannot be messed with
a soul lives forever within objects and people

differential outcomes can exist
....

to be continued
jas Jan 2018
hmm..
me vs. me
battle or war?
on the other hand
what you see against what you don't
interesting theory.

you see what I want you to see
you see what you perceive of me
what your mind believes
but is that truly me?

perhaps not.
so perhaps call me two faced
i admit i have two sides
one for the show
and one behind the curtains.

oh, close minded individual
open you eyes
what do you see
surely, it's not me.
day 8 of 365
txc
jas May 2020
txc
why do we choose toxicity?
we crave peace and tranquility
but we survive on the drama
the intense emotions that rise up inside us
keeping us alive
u
jas May 2019
u
seeing inside your soul
can hide from everyone but me
i see

through my heart
my soul
my mind
unfolds
when i see the real you
jas Feb 2018
roses are not red and violets are not blue
just unlucky to how I met you
a day of love and despair
a day of annoyance and how love isn't fair
hurtful words written in my mind
because I couldn't bring myself to buy a card I liked
overpriced chocolate and overpriced dates
expecting so much for just one day
disappointment at the end, that isn't me
for those single people who hate on love or just looking for a laugh
jas Jan 2020
do you ever wish that you could go back in time?
a time before you existed
although, there is no time placement to figure that part out is like trying to figure out a maze
if there was another direction towards my life falling into place, then i wish i would have guessed it.
"but be careful what you wish for"

imagine a sweet innocent girl vibing with her friend
feeling safe on the couch, playing video games
a few drinks, and the whiff of the smoke coming from across the room
strawberry vanilla kush , her fav
crossfaded around a good environment is mind-blowing
but so is a worse one


and you knew it was
you got to know her enough to think that you got so close
enough to touch her skin
to infiltrate her mind like that,
to make the goosebumps rise
but was that ever really you?
or drugs?


in order to convince her any wrongdoing is her fault
for her to awake from a slumber
and wonder how she got in this position
in the middle of the night
and for you to continue as if she orchestrated the event
that she never intended to happen
so I ask
who would hear the screams?

except limitless
only inside her head
and she acted as if nothing had ever happened
scared to come forward
even after years to come
was it ever real or just a nightmare?

so here you are, escaping
without even realizing what's wrong
and asking what's to ignore?
you have no comprehension on studying the mind that went through all of this

to nightmares
and depression
anxiety
reality
self-awareness
jas Apr 2020
don't want to live
or breathe
or set foot int this world anymore
I think its too much pain
I have to endure
why should I?
why
?
jas Apr 2020
tired of being alone
would you even bother to pick up the phone?
begging for attention
is not what I ever wanted
imagine
jas Nov 2019
she never cried in front of me
was I too blind to see?
if only
if only someone would believe

all of these crazy stories
sounded so interesting
hard to wrap my mind
into understanding

if only
jas Mar 2019
so i dont care
if you tear yourself apart
i cant be the only one
tell me whats fair

you beat me up
and tore me down
now i can't breathe
i loved you so much
but i looked into the little things
my heart can only think in love
the purest up above
and destroyed it all
into the crumbs

of despair

i just cant take it anymore
jas Oct 2019
The room fades into pure darkness, diminishing any light left. Chills start to consume my skin as my breaths tremble. It's quite difficult to describe my perception of this situation. Identifying the thin line between existence and the anonymous remains unexplained.
jas Apr 2020
alcohol on my mind
alcoholic brain
read the signs
you know I'm not the same
here I am
jas Aug 2020
sometimes i can't even think
i can't even write
bringing me down, to the last memory
that i had,... don't you worry
jas May 2020
everyone around as we know it
fights their own demons
whether it be the mind
their body
the people that surround them, constantly
it's so repetitive and yet we choose to ignore it all
why?

it doesn't diminish any priors of the past
the memory can haunt you forever, if willing
jas Mar 2020
trying to bring you closer to me is only pushing you farther from my reach
connecting to a ghost is a pale memory of wanting to exist
amongst the rest
an endless cycle of highs and lows
a constant rollercoaster
breaking down in the midst of it all
jas Jul 2018
your going to wake up and realize this is not the life
this is not the kind
of person you'd ever beg to be
not a chance in this eternity

drugged up and ****** up at least all hours of the day
hiding behind a familiar face
or its just a phase
that's what they like to say

im hiding , or posing behind a name
I've lost myself along the way
cant control this destiny
jas Apr 2020
all my life
i've begged for peace
I can't imagine what you'd do with me

all these years
my hearts have been aching
can't you believe it?
jas Aug 2020
another sip of a gin
here we are again
night of darkness
seeping in

don't you ever want to take control?.

when we touch
i feel it all
jas Aug 2020
life
its passing by
don't you realize

when i open my eyes
i wonder why
another reason to live

here i am
breathing
jas May 2020
im broken
im bruised
im cut up
im used
jas May 2019
really don't want to type
words onto this screen
when I could be making them real
if only you agree with me
then we could have
a playful cross over with words

crazy how I feel indestructible
or untouchable
my soul attracts
what it craves
no less than another soul

one that matches equal energy
what is given, shall be received
if another experience is what the signs sent to me
jas Aug 2020
ive been pushing day and day
been pushing wrong from night
i just want to what's right
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