How many times do I have to say that I’m not okay
before you start listening with your heart instead of your mouth?
Your heart, once warm to the touch, protected by briars
and a sphinx, though I thought them unreal.
I’ve tried to solve the riddle, to think it through, to answer right,
but your heart remains closed off to me and I sit through the night,
wondering how we got here, to this point of isolation.
Your mind is closed, heart unreachable, words sparse,
and yet I think to break down these walls, climb them,
push through them until I’ve found you in the
center of it all.

I sat down one day, thinking of writing you a haiku
I wondered aloud what words to write,
Words that could describe how I feel about you
Not common words, but words that have a bite.
An array of words to choose from, but what to pick?

My thoughts are all scrambled, in need of sorting
I wish to show you this wasn't all a trick,
That I didn't want to leave you hurting.
Our time together was always ticking
The i s are dotted and the t s crossed
I'd hate for you to think I'm quitting
But it's time to think of the cost.
We must go our separate ways now
Fresh and new beneath the sky
We've done our best and must take a bow
This is our last goodbye.

The call of your heart to mine
stretches across distance and time.
The touch of your hand, the brush of your kiss
are not the only things I miss.

Your warm embrace and the way you talk,
eating delicious food and long sunset walks.
You are a piece of me,
your name on every breath I breathe.

The tears always come down.
…you’re in a different town.
There’s no one to hug me close,
and kiss me, gently, on the nose.

Come back to me, you are my home.
it aches and pains,
my heart wants to moan.
I reach out to you with all that I have,
and yet, I still always seem sad.

I’m am alone
with my thoughts, and yet,
it feels as if something is
missing.
There’s an emptiness here,
one I didn’t feel before.
Then I realize,
it’s the space where your hand
holds mine
the sound of our breath
as we exhale at the
same time.
You’re gone from me,
a vague memory you could
convince me is fake,
a story I made up during some
lunch break,
or perhaps read online,
hoping that this story
was mine.
There’s an empty spot
in my heart,
one that calls out
your name.

pull out the knife,
from where you slid it in my side.
Let the blood,
rich and rosy,
drench your hands,
a reminder, a memento
to the times we passed
untainted, warm in the sun.
Avert your eyes,
from my prostrate pain,
out of sight,
you can raise your head,
pretending the role you played
didn’t bring me down.

wine, in perfect measure,
is a bridge from tortured mind
to blank page.
Too little and the words
get stuck in my fingers.
Flowing too freely,
and I am heavy,
lost to the power of thought.
wine, my translator divine,
I am set free
to speak my truth and fall back,
satisfied.

Here's a poem to celebrate poetry month!

Challenge by Jean Nette

Life, I challenge you to try me,
Doom me to unending pain;
Stay my hand, becloud my vision,
Break my heart and then-- again.

Shatter every dream I've cherished,
Fill my heart with ruthless fear;
Follow every smile that cheers me
With a bitter, blinding tear.

Thus I dare you; you can try me,
Seek to make me cringe and moan,
Still my unbound soul defies you,
I'll withstand you--and, alone!

haughty and hateful or pitilessly played,
head freed from embroidered shoulders,
her heart beat, heavy, behind corseted layers.
Temptress or model maiden,
she fell just the same.
The jewel in a king’s crown,
cast away for the next shining stone.

coffee , oh coffee, how you taunt me so.
Heavenly breath and foam sloshing,
to and fro.
Tasty, so tasty, you lie in that cup
with sugar sweet, splash of cream.
You wake me up,
tempting, very tempting, with color so fine,
I know that every sip will be
divine.

I just want to go outside
The stretch between classes is just enough of a tease
wind blowing, leaves flying, the sun warming my face
And then walls.
Walls closing in, walls enclosing knowledge, some walls that are just walls
My seat can’t be by the windows, too many distractions.
Twitchy feet and a wandering mind
What am I to do?
Day after day, my routine is stuck
food, class, lift until I collapse, food again, and then turning,
Facing that monstrous pile of work breaking my desk
The sun shines, the leaves play
I can do work outside
lies and compromise
Chained to the desk as time ticks by
I just want to go outside

The pain you cause is
a pinprick
on skin already
Ravaged
by scars and tattoos.

New perfume in the air, sweeter than I normally like
the sweetness cannot erase the memory of that night.
Beer music bodies drink music night bodies music drink you
I can’t wear those clothes anymore, not the perfume, not the makeup.
I want to forget it all, the slideshow that starts playing on repeat.
I want to feel something, I feel numb.

I want to cut, rid my skin of your memory and replace it with my own
I want to stop eating, until the starvation clears me out, makes me new
I want to eat everything, so I feel some semblance of full.
I want to do something to forget that time with you.

Eyes follow me in the street, they’re not yours, but my body doesn’t care
heart quickens, breath shakes, I am afraid.
Anger replaces fear, bottled up until I just want to scream
LEAVE ME ALONE
I walk to the school, to the market, and I don’t dress up for you

My homework sits out but I can’t do it today, maybe tomorrow,
I said that yesterday but the numbness won’t go away,
I feel detached, uncaring.
I need to cry, to break things, to heal and yet I’m stuck in this chair,
this one room.
I feel dead inside, remind myself to eat, to drink water, to sleep, to move.
Sweet perfumes lingers in the air, begging me to start over, to forget, to walk away.
But with it on, I still think of you.

you cut my heart up, let it bleed
over you mon amour.
We’re in stalemate of love,
your wavering indecision,
I want to shove
it away, put a lock on the pain,
cross your name off my lips.
What is there left to gain
with all that disconnection,
the distance stretched between us,
and you, filled with trepidation.

“I have promises to keep,”
whispered sweetly in my ear.
I stretched myself to too thin,
‘til it seemed I would disappear.
Now I’ve got myself to thank
for every step I’ve walked away
towards the sun, far from you
into a promising new day.

I could write erotica
Words flushed with heat
And lust
A bare trace of plot
Sliding through the lines
like soft skin on silk sheets.

I could paint pictures
with sultry poses,
long limbs entwined in a battle of flesh,
pictures to bring a tingle,
a shiver dancing across your skin.

I could whisper salacious stories
with my lips just above your ear,
hot breath and a teasing lilt,
testing the boundaries of self-control.

I could pass along this poem,
lay forth my cards,
exposed provocatively on the table,
making my intentions known.

I’m that fiddle in the corner,
Broken down and cob-webbed up.
Passed over for the shiny violin,
sleek, pure sound and powerful notes,
I’m dull in comparison, squeaking out what I can,
strings worn by age and disuse.
I was beautiful once, cherished, put away free
of finger-prints and dust.
The lid closed for longer each time,
I mourned the lack of sun, lost my voice to time.
I am a fiddle still,
but I’ll soon sink into grime.

I gave my heart away,
little pieces at a time,
in exchange for warm smiles,
lingering touches, and eyes
of the clear sea.
I sealed them up each time,
postmarked and clearly written,
delivered safe to your hands
each time.
But in your careless state,
the pieces slipped through,
falling from your fingers
to smash on the ground,
an unforgiving rendez-vous.

Those fragments are lost to me,
trampled underfoot by those
uncaring souls who do not know
the torments and trials of my
worn-out heart.

In their place is barbed wire,
ominous and spiky with its
“go away” signs,
protecting the last of my heart,
an endangered species,
running out of time.

tension lies beneath this smile,
a nervous energy fueled by too little sleep and anticipation of the future.
music helps… sometimes. writing is barely an escape.
these legs long to run, arms long to strike.
left hook, right uppercut, elbow to the face.
enemies only i can see.
a scream is withheld, scorching my throat with its intensity.
my lips are bruised, but not from your mouth.
troubled by my own fears, anxiety.
i itch to move, as if that will shake my troubles,
i could sprint for the exit, but they’d lash out,
coiling around my ankle, yanking me down

the wine in my cup flows freely into my veins.
it slows me down, turns me sluggish,
and takes control of
my thoughts.
they turn to you,
and more wine follows to
drown it out.
Sickly sweet, like the kisses you dropped on
my cheeks, or
the cheesy notes to mark a passing holiday.
my mind is full of thoughts of you
despite my use of the best bleach
as I try to scrub it free
of you.

I’m a ******* queen,
get down on your knees,
strain to look me in the eyes,
the ones that you made cry.
You’ve gotta realize now that
             I’m gone,
you’ve got no one else to
             lean on.

Some days I wake up from dreams
unsure,
if I am going to grow up to be
a warrior
or worrier.

The resilience of yellow,
Yellow, which is so often brushed off
“eggy” they say or “oh god, not lemon”
it’s more than that.
The folds of the petal,
velvety, resilient to the world it faces.
Uprooted it may be,
but tall and proud it stands.
The arms are outstretched, perfume given away freely.
Beautiful, fragile, captivating.

The setting sun reaches out to me,
earnestly stretching to cup my face.
I shrink back from its warmth, cold as I am.
The sun is beautiful, warm, comforting.
And yet, it is too far away; the comfort is an illusion.
The cold seeps in me, weighing on my bones and making me slow.
I long for that warmth, my face turns almost automatically to the sun,
wishing it closer, warmer, stronger, anything.
The cold is spreading through, settling in my heart,
claiming my body, my mind.
And here I am again, stuck, cold, tired.

sometimes I willingly seek out pain,
so as not to forget the memories that are tagged with
your name.

You know what they say about bleeding hearts.
Should’ve walled it in,
stitched it up from the start.
Shouldn’t be such a basket case
carry worry and pain
in every line of your face.
Should’ve walked upright
line your eyes,
keep your smile light.
Lock your heart inside
and if it leaks,
be sure to pin a smile,
on your cheeks.

bright clothes, red lips, lined eyes
heavy, rigid, unbreakable
armor.

the books always say that
life is a journey,
complicated, messy, a wild ride.
You learn who you are as you’re tested
and self-growth is a valuable lesson.

But I’ve got imposter syndrome.
My face smiles while my heart cries
and my mind spins around
about a thousand times.

I’m changing, that’s for sure,
but self-growth? I’m not convinced.

I’m adapting.
Quick smiles, bright eyes,
conversation flows free
with charm uncorked,
but all the tests have shown
it’s a trick to make me last,
a self-defense to save my heart.

Protect and move on,
I’ve memorized the rules.
And now I’m here again,
content to walk alone.

kiss me to draw out the poison
of those who came before.
Run your fingers on my skin
to erase greedy hands and stolen strokes.
Possess my body,
entrance me with your mouth,
with hungry lips and burning hands.
I’ll rise to meet you,
let my skin meld to yours,
until we’re bound together to meet
the ugliness of the world.

My heart feels blocked, my fingers unable to unlock its doors.
Perhaps time moves too fast
for it to be processed.
Or maybe this icy chill has crept in
through my thick curtains and made its home
in my chest.
My heart, my mind are numb.
Where are you emotions? Where are you poems?
The words don’t pour out anymore,
I’ve seemed to have lost my voice
or maybe I’ve gotten used to being silenced.

black lines on my skin
to track this pain
resist the pull of the knife
sharp and sweet teeth
on the softness of skin,
a caress, ominous
a promise, of relief
and regret.
black lines to cloud it out
to reel it in
progress in pain.

I remember his voice, pitched-low,
a smooth glass of Scotch, but hard to swallow this time.
Tension unfurled in my stomach, foreboding locked my legs.
My hands quivered, I shoved them away,
eyes down, my firm voice, met with anger,
outraged at this personal slight.
We walked by, granting space for his rage,
his ego too big to share the street, to let us walk by unbothered.
Rejection hung in the air, weighed down by our fear.
The sounds of his steps, his speech coming faster more aggressive,
mimicking his steps.
My head spun, the air came too quick, panic pounded at the door
to my head, pressing its way in.
Our feet began to slap the ground, **** these sandals,
a call to him, an encouragement, us defenseless in the emptied street.
The elevator felt unsafe, plain and empty walls.
My window was securely fastened despite the heat,
door double bolted, shaking on the bed,
free from adrenaline and moved by fear.
The room was too empty, too vulnerable,
comfort only from my feeble connection to my home.
Sweaty, tired hands of mine clutched it to me,
falling asleep with the safety of his voice,
swirling around me, shoving off the unwanted
traces of chilling words and tear-stained makeup.

I need a touch,
the soft of lips on skin
to ignite my long lost fire.
Golden warmth of love or
red hot rage of desire,
anything to burn strong
within this empty hearth.

I’ll ask and ask again
to keep upright through it all
I’ll raise my chin
and stand up tall.
I know I’ve got strength within
that I’m a warrior inside
try to tear me down and
see where you end.
I’ll be standing over you
hope in my hand.

Captivate my senses,
draw me fully in beneath open skies
to be kissed by fresh wind.
Sprinkle me with love and hope,
build my desire strong.
Lay out my hands before me,
pale against grass so green.
As eyes dance
and sun soaked hair gleams,
set my mind free from me.

33 guns
thousands of bullets rain
58 fall
thousands of bullets fly
500 more wounded
thousands of bullets spent,
one man,
thousands of bullets.
Guns roll out,
family treasures, sport, food, keepsakes
Power and destruction,
life and death.
Thousands of guns out,
now people are out.
Hundreds have fallen:
schools, theaters, clubs, concerts,
malls, stadiums, streets– but don’t take away our rights…
Thousands of bullets, stinging farewell kisses

I thought I was drowning,
but now I realize I’ve been treading water,
sure the waves have crashed down on me, water
flooding my mouth, but my head stayed high as I bobbed.
Now I know I’m drowning,
the lights shimmer otherworldly, no longer harsh to my eyes
the water is feeling warmer, in my mouth, laying on my lungs,
the weight of anxiety and stress---and water, that I can’t expel
The sound is no longer deafening, a low hum is building in my ears and
        the black swirls around my eyes and I am…gone

I’ll arise, phoenix and flame
and boy I won’t be calling out
your name.
You’ve crossed the line,
left ash behind,
and truly turn the tides.
Water won’t bring down my fire,
too strong am I
to fall down for you
once more.

toughen up chickee,
wipe the tears from your face
put a smile in their place.
stand tall and let them see
how strong you can choose to be.
shaded lips to stop them dead,
you’ll play a mantra in your head,
keep that **** far away
and square your shoulders,
to face a new day.

I wasn’t looking for love
when I met you.
I was tall, lanky,
a loud girl you could say.
You were quiet, unassuming,
curls untamable.
Years passed without much there
between us.
I fell in love with you
beneath the stars-
in a crowded tent, fighting off sleep,
near the great big fire and its loving heat,
running through rain,
roaming around,
laughing.
I fell in love with you
when I was young,
too young to know the world,
to see its demons and feel its pain,
back when my heart was open, fresh,
and trusting.
And I’ve stayed in love with you,
through your darkest days and my twisted path,
my heart is bruised now,
stitched together, tattooed with your name,
but loving you all the same.

Take away my pain, peel back the layers
of aged, crumbling paint.
I’m not in the wrong here, but my heart cries
tears and shreds itself up,
a bomb I never thought active.
Take away my pain,
your love was my warmth, my haven of light,
but now the shadows creep in
and the rocks pull me down.
Take away my pain, that of my naïve heart,
the one that loved you unflinchingly
and is taught to love you still.
Take away my pain,
you made the choice, wavered in love,
take my pain and give it
to the ***** in your bed.

My face knew tears and trauma,
shadowing my eyes and tightening
my lips too thin to smile,
a walking mask, dedicated
to the moves and words
empty of emotion.

ice in need of a thaw,
it held me rigid and raw,
until the warmth of summer
heated me alive.

now I run beneath the sun,
feeling emotions I thought were gone.
Laughing with joy unbound,
I seem to soar and sing
no longer earthbound,
but like the sprites of
tales told in past times,
I meld with the nature,
and let loose my soul.

I’m listening to the music that makes me think of you,
and hope starts to spread uncontrollably,
like a glass of wine spilt of fresh cloth,
it seeps within me,
not vindictive,
but eager in its mission
to color the fabric red with
love, light, lust, hope,
and a little anger.
I’ll try to bleach it out,
keep it clean just for you.
I’ll package it up, throw on a bow,
and send it to you.

My heart seems so shiny and new,
in tip top shape, I get it inspected every year, thank you very much.
Underneath the paint job is a rusted mess,
peeling off in huge strips and trailing behind.
It seems so sturdy and infallible,
unyielding and unflinching in the eyes of chaos.
But if you were to push, to drive too far inward,
it would collapse, crunching, to half the size.
Scars exposed, shoddy repairs unveiled,
at the mercy of the outside world,
cold and cruel, gripping the worn metal tight,
leaving frosted fingers in its wake,
a chill to shake me to the core.


My heart seems so shiny and new,
but underneath it’s fragile,
just like you.

Pining is not a good look for me,
it clashes with my flowing shirts
and distracts from my lemon scarf.
Longing is just a few shades better,
occasionally matching my blue blouse.
Anger works okay, but it seems fake,
like my vibrant lips or 4-inch heels.
Love would work, it’d blend beautifully
with my color scheme,
make each plain top sparkle, but alas,
love is out of season, a terrible throwback
without being vintage,
what am I left with?

I’m tired, the kind of tired that makes you want to curl up and
forget the day.
My blankets, soft, warm, green,
will heat me up and soothe away my fears.
I’m tired of watching you beyond the glass,
it’s frosted with distance, indecision, and
loneliness.
I see your figure though the pane and want to call out,
bring you in, give you cocoa, and fall into a pile of ease, and
natural love.
Fall back in love with me.
Leave the cold and come back into my arms, I’ll keep you
from the world,
and we’ll hide away,
warmed by wood and fire.
You'll stay by my side,
my love, my life, my happiness,
solidified.

I want to write a love poem, but I just can’t find the words
Each day with you is new, a rip off daily calendar
some days I laugh until I cry, other days
I’m coughing up sobs and regret
and still more I just don’t get.
I want to write a love poem, but that’s not how this works.
I can’t write of love, though it fills my days with sunshine.
Love is not so easily described, only understood if you’re in the throes of it.
People understand pain, loss, but not love,
I could say how it feels today:
love is a wild mystery, a traipse through a jungle with no map in hand.
The rain pours down, cool on my skin, refreshing
The sun rays reach me through the impossibly green canopy
I feel the strength of the trees, the hope of the green shoots,
the wild freedom of the monkeys overhead.
The rhythm lies within me and the song of the birds echoes
the song of my heart.
My love is strong, wild, and largely unexplored;
I make the path as I go on my way,
curious tourist and determined adventurer
Today my love is warmth and sun
exhilarating times and smiles wrapped into one

colored M&Ms spill out of the box I made for you,
sweet with memories past,
coating my tongue,
unshakeable:
Brown for the comfort of your arms,
the warmth of your committed love,
Red for the anger,
driven by my stubborn heart,
Orange for our new adventures,
road trips with music and snacks in hand,
Blue for the tears we’ve cried together,
for the ones I’ve cried since,
Green for the hope,
the future we lay out ahead,
loose-made plans and dreams combined,
Violet for the stress,
for the uncertain plans and our fragile love,
and Yellow,
Yellow for the laughter,
tears slipping out, struggling-to-breathe-happiness,
Yellow, the light you brought to me.

I should cut my hair,
hair heavy with the memory of
your fingers running through it.
I should change my clothes,
so as not to think of you
taking them off
slowly while I lay
           on your bed.
I should buy new sheets,
ones without the trace of you.
I should change my music,
new sounds without the power
of bittersweet nostalgia
         sitting in the car with you.
I should replace the space in my heart,
the one that’s been reserved for you.
I should,
             I should,
                           I won’t.

you took away the light
that gave her reason to rise.
you took away the oxygen
that sat strong in her lungs.
you took away her muse,
the one that made her believe,
made her hopeful.
it’s all gone and still they ask
her to smile.

At the hands of men, I learned the lessons of life.

I first learned fear with your towering figure, explosive temper, shaking hands, and abrasive voice. The older I got, the more the words cut me, a double blow of volume and weight. The tremors of my body visible for all to see, they angered you, but I could see nothing through my blurred eyes. My head spun as my lungs forgot how to breathe and I lost myself in your anger.

Another taught me vulnerability. In the shadows of your room with your girlfriend next door, I was your puppet and you my master. You tarnished me, made me unclean. You stole from me my vulnerability, killed the me that breathed easy. At your hands, I lost myself.

And then I learned pain-at the hands of a different tutor, but at this point it’s all the same. I learned pain in the comfort of my room, cloaked in that fuzzy green blanket. I learned the kind of pain that tears through the heart and childishly demands attention at every given moment; an obnoxious nagging pain with its grating voice and quick jabs in the ribs. I learned the pain of regret, of indecision, of betrayal. Tears marked the torment of my mind, songs didn’t hit me the same. My heart was an open wound at the mercy of the elements around. I sought healing and peace, wound stitched closed, but such things leave scars. I still remember that lesson well, in your warmth and in your piercing blue eyes, I learned pain of the truest kind.

At the hands of men, I learned the lessons of life. But in my hands, that life blooms.