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May 2016 · 688
Velvet, I guess
ellie May 2016
Bury me deep,
in your neck and envelope me with your warmth and your scent,
in the ground where bugs crawl through my rotting flesh.

Kiss me softly,
and shower me with the love I have so craved for years,
and leave me before I destroy what parts of you are left untouched.

**** me,
until you cannot take it any more and I will play with your hair when you're done,
and destroy my mind and my feelings like I deserve for all the hearts I have broken before you.

Love me,
and I will love you too and we will be so incredibly happy with each other,
and leave me to die as my feelings are crushed into a million pieces just like I deserve.
I have no idea why I called this velvet. I just wanted too
That's why it is Velvet, I guess.

i dont know what this is, im still drunk
May 2016 · 908
drunk and in love
ellie May 2016
I am drunk and I am in love,
could there be a worse combination?
Liquor in my throat and smoke in my lungs,
I wonder how I got to be this weak.
Is love a weakness, I ponder
Is love a thing to hide with shame?
I know I don't hide my love for you,
but how can I? Something this strong cannot be masked,
especially not when I am looking at the bottom of a bottle of cheap wine.
We're fighting, that's why I'm writing.
If things were okay, there would be no needs for these words strung out in sentences addressed to nobody in particular.
I've messed up and you're angry and I was drinking to feel better but now I'm too ******* drunk to know what I've done and it's a hilarious paradox that my substance of choice to drown the negativity is also the cause of further problems between myself and the epicentre of my happiness.
Does this make sense?
Will you ever read this?
I ponder: Do you realise how much I adore you? Will you ever realise it?
I hope we make up soon. I miss you.
i am drunk and i dont know what to do with myself because i am hopelessly in love and i am ruinin things as usual
Dec 2015 · 1.3k
But I don't mind
ellie Dec 2015
Her hand in mine, fingers interlocking in a position that seems so natural to us now. In the heat of summer they stick, our palms sticky from sweat as the sun beats down. But I don't mind, as long as her hand is in mine.

Her smile as she laughs at one of my stupid jokes, and I smile back. My arm round her waist as we cuddle up in the warmth of my bed, outside the trees turn all shades of autumn and slowly deposit leaves onto my driveway. But it's okay, as long as next to me she lays.

Her cheeks, rosy from the cool of the air as we lay together under the stars. I gently wrap my scarf around her neck, shivering a little at my own loss of warmth. But I don't care, as long as it is my clothes she wears.

Her eyes, fluttering peacefully as she naps next to me. It has been months apart, so much lost time for us to make up. She shifts, sleepily curling up against my body. My arm is crooked at an angle so I can play with her hair. But I don't mind, as long as she is just fine.
i dont show it often enough but she means the world to me. whatever i have to do, i dont mind as long as she is happy
ellie Jun 2015
You don't riddle my thoughts in the way that you used to,
back when all I saw on the inside of my eyelids was your face.
Slowly I have moved forwards,
I have made progress and become the person you always wanted to see me be.
But sometimes I still think of you and it feels like a weight is pulling on my heart,
and I get ****** back into the void of missing you.
It's not a feeling dissimilar to the longing of another beside you,
however paired with the craving for that person is the undeniable knowledge that they will never be with you.
It took me a long time to realise that;
you're not coming back,
you're gone forever.
They say acceptance is the first step in moving on,
but what if I don't want to move on?
You are a piece of the person I am today,
you are the part of me that glows and gives me strength to say
"I can do this."
you are the voice in my head telling me
"You are better than this."
you are the smile on my face when I realise I am on the road to recovery,
the worst has passed and one day this will all be just a memory.
So even though you're not coming back,
and even though sometimes I think of you and my eyes blur from tears,
and even though you can never see me become the person you wanted me to be,
I carry your strength and positivity with me always,
you are in my past,
but you are also a piece of my recovery,
which means you are in my future too.
To Ale.
My first real friend, whom I could trust with my life. We never got to meet but you helped me more than anyone else I have ever met. You skyped me at 4am when I couldn't stop crying and at 4pm when I was too sad to leave my room but still wanted someone to talk to. You didn't mind that I was anxious a lot, and that I often wanted to stop existing. You always stood by me and helped me, you made me laugh and feel appreciated and understood and loved. I was so busy receiving your help, I forgot to return the favour. I didn't see how much you were hurting while you projected all your positivity onto me. And so I lost you. For a long, long time I blamed myself for that. I told myself it was my fault you were dead. But now I just think that the only thing I can do is take what you gave me and use it. So I take your positivity and your kindness and I slot it into myself, like a piece of my own personal puzzle and carry it with me always. You helped me to keep going, and your memory is still helping me recover, and one day the traits of you I have held for my own will help me build the life I always told you I wanted. One day we'll meet, I'll tell you how much I miss you and I might leave you some flowers. I wish I could have touched you, laughed with you, hugged you. But saying goodbye to the plants growing where you are scattered will have to do. I love you so much. Thank you for being a part of my past, present and future. I am who I am today because of you. I miss you.
May 2015 · 730
Love is
ellie May 2015
Do not tell me what love is,
and what love is not.
They say love is like butterflies in your stomach,
like two halves of a whole,
but, at least to me, that's not what love is.

Love is not a perfect movie romance,
it is raw, it is powerful,
it is real.
Love is a natural disaster; a tsunami of emotions destroying everything in it's path,
it's a war filled with bombs, sacrifice and pain but somehow you still continue the battle.
Love is not a walk in the park at sunset,
it is the tugging of hair and the smell of sweat in the air as you moan into each other's mouths,
it is the moments you ought to feel vulnerable as you lie naked chest to back but all you feel is security,
it is the anger and the tears and raised voices because you never expected to feel so desperately and wholly completed by someone else.

Love is not sweet,
unless you love the taste of sugar-coated *******.
Love is an unexplained wrenching in your chest,
a thousand tears shed and a million more to come,
aching, unbearable lust that makes you hate yourself more than insults ever could

but, at least to me, it's worth it.
Every moment of pain has been worth it because I am so irrevocably in love with you.
Apr 2015 · 3.0k
Missing you 08
ellie Apr 2015
Oh God I miss you.

I miss your laughter,
I miss the smell of your shampoo,
I miss bathing together,
I miss making you moan.
Confused dot com
Apr 2015 · 636
Musings 06
ellie Apr 2015
I have made a home,
a nest deep in the hollow of my own sadness,
a space so vast it could be considered a black hole,
infinitely large and consuming all that surrounds it.

I am settled beneath my own ribcage,
in the pit of my stomach where that dead feeling resignates from,
caught with chains and locked with a padlock but my eyes have grown accustomed to the darkness of this internal prison,
when I try to look out, to seek escape, to find freedom,
the light hurts my eyes and I shrink back, retreat into what I know,
my comfort zone,
the void inside me that I like to call home.
I feel so numb most of the time
Apr 2015 · 1.0k
What if
ellie Apr 2015
What if I mess it up and you realise I'm not
"the one".

What if I break your heart and grind the fragments into a million tiny pieces?

What if I say goodbye only to realise that the word I was looking for was
"Stay".

What if you can't handle the pressure of being with someone so beautifully insane?

What if our differences tear us apart and we end a potential lifetime of laughter with
"Sorry".

What if every "what if" I have in my head destroys us before we even begun?
I am so worried that I will hurt you
Apr 2015 · 696
Musings 05
ellie Apr 2015
I'm scared of just about everything.

I'm scared of spiders, they have too many limbs and too many eyes and it makes my skin crawl.
Though I stopped admitting it years ago, I am scared of the dark. When the lights turn off and the sun goes down the idea of being alone with no idea of what is around me gives me goosebumps.
I'm scared of being hurt, even though I am always the one who ends up breaking hearts.
However much I ignore it, I am scared of silence. That complete soundless ringing that fills my head and whisks up my thoughts makes me uncomfortable in ways I cannot describe with words.
I'm scared of getting lost, because even though I want to be spontaneous like the cool girls in the movies the idea of not knowing where I am terrifies me.
Despite everything life has thrown at me, I am scared of being myself. I have a million alter egos and personalities stored in my head because the reality of who I am makes me sick.
I'm scared of outer space, and how one little push can send you floating into the unknown without ever stopping.
Unsurprisingly, I am scared of my mother dying. Through thick and thin she supports me and to this day her warth gives me life in ways nothing else does.
I'm scared of the ocean, because even though I love fish I cannot stand not being aware of what is beneath me as I paddle on the surface.
In a sick and ironic way, I am scared of dying. Despite my wishes for death and suicide attempts, when I am in a dangerous situation my stomach clenches and I cling to the life I have.

I'm scared of just about everything,
including fear itself.
I don't know really
Apr 2015 · 688
Missing you 07
ellie Apr 2015
I thought I had it figured out,
you were in my past,
something that helped me grow that I had moved on from.

But now when new seeds have taken root,
your corpse is still in the back of my mind,
not rotten but perfectly preserved and it's beauty takes my breath away.

I wish I could bring us back to life,
or for your body to decompose and allow me to find warmth in another.
Instead you stay untouched like a porcelain doll on a shelf just out of reach,
and make all the other toys seem less special.
I am so confused I hate this
Mar 2015 · 1.4k
Musings 04
ellie Mar 2015
Chipped nails and ripped tights,
she is delicate and mysterious and beautiful,
but still so dead inside.
Haiku
Feb 2015 · 566
A sliver of something
ellie Feb 2015
I'm a sworn atheist, a non believer,
and yet when I think about you and your death and my loss,
a little part of me hopes there is something else.
Maybe reincarnation, or an afterlife,
even the preservation of your spirit in something inanimate
is better than the thought of nothing at all.
You were beauty and light, a bringer of smiles and happiness,
the idea that those things are only a memory now,
a sliver of something in my mind's eye,
is too much to handle.

You cannot be gone,
I never got to say goodbye.
I miss you everyday. I wish I could have saved you.
Feb 2015 · 523
Musings 03
ellie Feb 2015
I like to enjoy the little things when I can.

I like the feel of warmth on my back when the sun comes out from behind a cloud,
and the smell of clean bedsheets on a Sunday.
I like the happy feeling I get when my best friend rests her head on my shoulder when she doesn't let anyone else get close.
I like the feel of grass between my toes,
and the feeling fuzzy feeling I get when a cat on the street lets me pet it's head.
I like the taste of alcohol late at night when I'm only half sober but I feel completely alive.
I like how safe and loved I feel when I hug my mum,
and the pain in my stomach when I laugh too much.
I like that odd, welcome silence between friends when there's nothing to say but it's okay.
I like the comfort of my bed after many nights sleeping in foreign places,
and the taste of a cool glass of water when you're out of breath.
I like the feel of putting on my old, worn out creepers and how my feet fit them perfectly.
I like how falling snow seems to muffle everything,
and the satisfaction of beating my brother at one of his games.

Not everything worth living for is a big landmark or an event worth celebrating. Sometimes it is the smallest, most insignificant things that make you feel glad to be alive.

I like to enjoy the little things when I can.
This is positive for once
Jan 2015 · 522
Missing you 05
ellie Jan 2015
One day when this is all over,
I'll take you to Paris.
We can walk over bridges with our fingers intwined and talk about how funny it is that things weren't always perfect between us.
We'll laugh because it seems ridiculous that once upon a time,
we weren't happy together and we shed blood and tears over the feel of our lips on the other's.

One day when this is all over,
I'll tell you how much you've always meant to me.
How you brought me out of the dark and taught me how to shine a light and find the way out,
and even though I left you half way and when you finally escaped you stole my light for your own,
I still loved you.

At least,
that's what I tell myself to get to sleep at night.
I know there won't be a one day,
there won't ever be an us again.
I made sure of that the day I left you in the dark without a light,
but now the memory of that bright, shining warmth that you brought into my life is the only thing that stops me from being consumed all together.
stupid stupid ignore this i am in such a wallowing self pitying mood its disgusting
Jan 2015 · 649
Musings 02
ellie Jan 2015
I long for something to spark my interest,
to make my mind jump and start and peak with curiosity.
I want to feel alive again,
to feel excited by the thought of learning something new,
to feel adrenaline when faced with a place I have never seen before,
to feel my heart thump with life.

I am a dead, cold shell.
I do not have any interests, nor do I have anything left to spark, or jump, start or peak.
I have no excitement left in me,
my veins are filled with sorrow there is no room left for adrenaline,
my heart feels rock solid and frozen.
ignore me im self pitying
Jan 2015 · 452
Musings 01
ellie Jan 2015
Why do I lay awake,
when my eyes beg to close,
and my limbs ache for rest?

Why do I drink to the bottom of the bottle,
when my head is spinning,
and my mouth is numb?

Why do I bleed,
when my wrist is screaming,
and my sheets are already stained red?

Why do I lay awake,
when I spent the entire day,
looking forward to the thought of sleep?
I torture myself by staying awake thinking about everything
Jan 2015 · 551
Missing you 04
ellie Jan 2015
Let me sleep,
please.
I am so tired of being tired,
I want to rest and forget but you haunt my mind,
both awake and asleep.
I apologise for the millionth time,
crying out for you to forgive me but my words are not heard,
they never will be.
I miss you,
infinitely.
I ache from endless heart ache,
I want to rewind or at least rid my mind of you but I cannot,
both awake and asleep.
I hate myself so much oh god
Jan 2015 · 525
You are the curator.
ellie Jan 2015
How ****** poetic,
A young girl crying locked away in her room,
but the real prison is her own head,
something no key can free her from.
She scrapes at the walls,
of her little enclosed cell,
blood trickling down from her attempts to release it's hold on her,
she shouts out but there are no guards here,
no other inmates or wardens.
She is alone.
An abandoned asylum made just for her,
a special palace of memories and torment with a plaque on the wall to commemorate the curator: herself.
She is imprisoned in her own mind,
somewhere beyond help or saving,
waiting until she rots away and doesn't feel the pain anymore.
idk
Jan 2015 · 541
I am lost
ellie Jan 2015
I am lost,
searching for a place to call home.
No map,
no compass.

I am lost,
wandering until I find a place to rest.
No warmth,
no safety.

I am lost,
struggling through years hoping I can find what I am looking for.
But I don't know what that is.
i feel as if im living for the hope that at some point life becomes worth living
Jan 2015 · 417
My thoughts are an epidemic
ellie Jan 2015
Sometimes it is impossible to express myself,
not because I cannot find the right words,
but because I cannot understand what it is that I want to say.
My mind is like all the books I have ever read,
all the TV shows I have ever watched,
all the songs I have ever listened to,
twisted and spinning on repeat all at once and I cannot pick out one single thing,
let alone comprehend it.
I am a muddle of all things good, bad and ugly,
The only thing constant is the beating of the muscle under my ribs,
and even then I sometimes feel like it stops.
When people ask me
"How are you?" or even "Are you okay?"
It is so much easier to reply with a simple "Yes"
Because even though it is not,
I cannot say why.
I don't know what is wrong,
there is a disease in my mind and it is spreading,
and the cure is somewhere deep within my thoughts,
but it is muffled in so much else that I can't find it,
which is funny because I am the cure to my own sickness but I am too sick to find out what the cure is.
Just trying to articulate how I feel
Dec 2014 · 486
Life vs Death
ellie Dec 2014
Why do we struggle and destroy,
to continue to live,
when it is so much easier to destroy our struggles
and die.
idk
Nov 2014 · 636
03 Missing you
ellie Nov 2014
The curve of your spine in the dark,
soft and perfectly shaped to fit just against me like two halves of a whole,
just like our lips, hands,
our hearts,
molding together as if made for one another,
but I chipped,
a piece is missing and no longer do bodies, lips, hands,
or hearts,
fit together so smoothly and I wonder whether you could have ever fixed me?
all my fault
sigh
Nov 2014 · 23.6k
Fuck
ellie Nov 2014
***** your happiness,
your carefree smiles and laughter.
**** your friendship,
your trust and your loyalty.
**** your love,
your passion and your kisses.
**** your success,
your pride and your achievements.

**** you and the things that light up your world,
and **** you if you think I'm selfish for thinking
**** you
but you can **** off if you think that jealousy is unreasonable,
when you have everything and I have
**** all.
Explicit cause of bad language
**** everyone for being okay and **** myself for not
Nov 2014 · 426
02 Missing you
ellie Nov 2014
It comes in waves and surges,
aching in my bones and coursing through my veins,
and I wish I could hate you and curse your name,
but at the end of the day it is I who takes the blame.

I wish I could rewind back,
think to myself stop and think about what is wrong,
because I would see it's not us or you but me
and I could apologise and cry and tell you how much I am sorry but now when the moon is in the sky and my only companions are the scabs on my arms and the ***** burning in my throat my words aren't so clear and my message isn't so simple and I just wish
I could hate you and curse your name,
but at the end of the day it is I who takes the blame.
i ******* hate myself for what i did to you and how i just make it worse
Nov 2014 · 889
The taste of your name
ellie Nov 2014
The taste of your name on my lips,
Like sweet roasted chestnuts on autumn walks in the park,
Like the tang of ***** on my tongue in bars filled with strangers,
Thinking of you,
and how no matter what your name tastes like,
it will never be as good as tasting you.
??
Nov 2014 · 301
Hush now
ellie Nov 2014
Hush now,
dry your tears,
I know you wonder how,
it has been going on for years.
Promise me you'll stay,
keep quiet and don't you cry,
Happiness will find you one day,
So please just cling on and try.
this sux
Nov 2014 · 956
A work of art
ellie Nov 2014
A work of art both intricate and simplistic,
a minimalist masterpiece of personality and emotion,
screaming teen heart breaks and whispered memories,
sweeping curves and harsh thick lines crossing and dodging each other to create a piece filled with empty hollow beauty,
embodied as the ****** scabs and old stitched scars painted on her wrists.
a beautiful and personal piece of art, a blade for a brush and her flesh as the canvas and thick oozing blood and dried up scabs as her pencil and paint
Nov 2014 · 515
01 Missing you
ellie Nov 2014
And now more than ever I wish I could tell me then what I see now,
because my mind is filled with the colour of your eyes and how they change from bright to a light, almost dusty grey when you're sad,
the feel of your skin when we fall asleep entwined and the smell of your sweaters when we are apart.
And now more than ever I wish I could tell me then what I see now,
because I have realised too late how happy you made me.
i miss her so much :( i hate myself
Oct 2014 · 497
i wonder
ellie Oct 2014
each new day that passes i wonder
"if i'd have been there
would you still be here?"
if i had been awake that night and told you it will be okay,
listened to you cry and comforted you until you slept
would things have been different?
if i had supported you,
like you supported me
would my best friend still be with us?

but i guess i'll never know.
i wasn't there,
i wasn't awake,
i didn't support you,
and you're not here.
so i could wonder all i want
but it wouldn't make a difference
would it?
i lost my first REAL best friend on the 6th of october 2012 as she took 45 pills while i slept
Oct 2014 · 907
Vanity
ellie Oct 2014
"She thinks way too highly of herself" they say, laughing at another picture that has been uploaded.
But what's so wrong with loving the body you're in?

"He's so up himself" they moan, criticising a tweet about his morning work out.
But what's so wrong with working to become the person you want to be?

"She thinks she's sooo amazing" they laugh, mimicking the voice of a girl who performed in the school talent show.
But what's so wrong with being proud of something you're good at?

"It's so sad, she was so beautiful" they cry, scrolling through the pictures of a girl who was found 2 days earlier, hanging from her bedroom ceiling with a rope around her neck.
But what's so wrong with destroying yourself if it's oh so "vain" to appreciate who you are?

Stop.
It's okay to love who you are.
It's okay to change to become someone you're proud of.
It's okay to flaunt the parts of you that make you smile.
It's not okay to laugh at, taunt, tease, mimic and bully those who appreciate themselves,
but if you do,
don't you dare think it's okay to weep when someone takes their own life because maybe,
just maybe,
if you didn't mock them and instead told them:
"It's okay"
they might still be here,
loving themselves,
rather than sleeping six feet under.
******* hating people who like themselves
be proud of who you are
love yourself
flaunt your best bits and appreciate the bits that make you, you
do not ever ******* criticise someone for being okay with themselves
and dont you DARE think that its OKAY to mourn the loss of someone who, if they loved themselves, you would have laughed at just the same.
**** "vanity"
love yourself.
Oct 2014 · 1.3k
Social Media Sadness
ellie Oct 2014
Laughter like lightning fills the air as I crack another bad joke,
her smile lifting the weight on my shoulders as she breathes in the smoke from her mid-day cigarette.

She nudges me and makes some remark about something I once said, or did, and we giggle at memories made and times gone by.

I wish her well and tell her goodbye, walking out of the door with hands in pockets and scarf wrapped tightly around my neck, protecting me from the cold.
I reach for my phone and see that already, her mask has dropped and her inner thoughts are being spilled onto private social media like a lost diary. She tells her thoughts to a screen rather than to me.

"I want to die"
"Someone help me, please"
"I deserve it all"
"I don't want to be alone"
"Cut cut bleed bleed starve starve"

In my minds eye I see her:
her laugh like lightning and smiles that lift weight from my shoulders
and I just wish that those beautiful emotions she presents to me
were real.
i wish i could help her because her laughter warms my heart and her smiles make me feel light and she is so beautiful and incredible and she means the world to me
Oct 2014 · 551
貴方
ellie Oct 2014
まばたき
So your eyes don't cry and the feel of salt water dripping down your cheeks doesn't taint that freshly painted face.
呼吸する
So your lungs keep filling and your blood is oxygenated and brought alive with the tarnished air from our suburban paradise.
落ちる
So I can catch you and your mind will fly and your heart will race and you realise the potential of the model of cells that I call home.
Title - You
Blink
Breathe
Fall
Oct 2014 · 1.1k
Void
ellie Oct 2014
And suddenly my mood drops,
that feeling of wholeness and content vanishes and leaves behind it no trace, as if it was never there.
The void widens and my chest aches,
crawling up through my ribs and spreading across each inch of my flesh and skin until I feel consumed with
e
m
  p
   t
    i
     n
      e
       s
        s
My mind blanks and swirls and gets lost in itself as I try to distract myself from the nothingness that feels as if it is living inside me like a disease,
an incurable illness just waiting to destroy me and as I breathe in
my lungs expand and I become painfully aware of my own fragile
mortality.
i feel like im being consumed by my own desire to die
Oct 2014 · 3.2k
A tongue-tied tangle
ellie Oct 2014
Trip me up,
like I trip and stumble over my words when we speak,
like the roller-coaster loop the loop my heart does when you look at me.

Pick me up,
like the way you catch me when I feel myself falling into sadness,
like liquor in my glass at nights alone thinking of you.

Catch me,
like when you see my mind wandering lazy strolls all over your image,
like a fly caught in the spiders web but so ready to be consumed.

I'm yours,
a tongue-tied mess of blushing cheeks and fumbling hands when you say my name and a whisper of "I love you" like the first day we saw light in each other's eyes.
i have no idea what this is about
Oct 2014 · 1.4k
Winter
ellie Oct 2014
Crumbling and wilting,
leaves fallen orange and flowers die but this is not a funeral but a celebration of life and potential and the forthcoming of new seasons.
This is winter.
idk really wrote this so quickly
Oct 2014 · 305
She
ellie Oct 2014
She
She cries.
Not tears of sorrow, or loneliness.
She cries the pure essence of pain,
like some ****** extract of the harsh reality of life.
Her eyes are opened and with each blink she pops the bubble we live within,
beyond her years in sadness and hurt and beyond her beauty in hatred.

She smiles.
Not laughter from jokes, or satisfaction.
She smiles the broken fragments of hope and dreams,
each curve of her lips pressing the shards deeper into her skin as it rips open and the feelings she keeps under lock and key spill out,
dripping sweet red desperation onto already blood stained sheets,
and imagines a world where her eyes were not opened to what life really has to offer.
for lois
i love you so much and i wish i could fix you but sometimes i feel like you need more than just me for your repair
thank you for being in my life <3
Oct 2014 · 502
Mind's Mist
ellie Oct 2014
In that fleeting moment
when the dusk of the past drifts
and I see unclouded
my brain wanders and clears
wondering why I ever felt the way I do.
But like any day
any hour or minute,
things change and the descending of my mind's mist is inevitable,
so I savour the moment
and the capture the image of what the world means to be beautiful,
before the fog settles and I'm lost in the darkness once more.
idk
Jul 2014 · 813
Game Over
ellie Jul 2014
I call out your name,
"Game over!" I cry, "I can't find you! You win!"
But you don't appear with a laugh like when we were children. Of course you don't. This isn't a game of hide and seek. My head spins but my eyes do not stray as I pour the same brand of semi-skimmed milk onto the same whole grain cereal in the same chipped, pottery bowl I did 20 years ago when you sat across from me at the same hard oak table when you told me "Let's get married!". And so we did. Your mother was the priest and your face was bright with youth as you slide that tacky plastic ring from the corner shop onto my finger and kissed my cheek. But this isn't then, and you aren't him. So when I call out "Game Over!" you don't run out from the bushes, knees covered in mud and a smile like starlight on your face. When I take your hand and whisper "I can't find you." you don't respond. You never do, not even a flicker of movement in that once bright eyed face. The only answer I receive is the steady beep of your heart monitor, and the assurance in my mind that indeed, I can't find you any more. So as I slip that old, worn down tacky plastic ring from the corner shop onto your finger and kiss your cheek, I smile softly; my last goodbye. "Game over! I can't find you! You win!" And I turn and nod to the nurse, her eyes sunken with the burden of her job. "Switch him off" I whisper "Game over."
im not sure what inspired this but now i feel sad as ****
Jul 2014 · 633
Butterfly girl
ellie Jul 2014
Scratch away the old skin that peels and flakes like old books and watch as I am reborn, new cells grow and my wings open, basking in the sun as they fill with blood, ready to take flight. I am the inevitable oncoming of new beginnings, fresh experiences and growth and all that I need is to shed my faded outer layer and begin to blossom into the daydream outline of the girl I want to be.
thinking about my life and my future and who i want to be and who i am and who i will be
May 2014 · 590
exhale
ellie May 2014
my breathing slows
  inhale
  exhale
as i try to figure out where i went wrong
  inhale
  exhale
while my brain spins every tragic tale of a love story broken
  inhale
  exhale
then it stops altogether
and it fades
  black
ignore this piece of crap
Apr 2014 · 470
How I want to
ellie Apr 2014
It makes me sick to think of you two together,
and it seems selfish, I know, but I wish I could break you apart.

I hate to imagine him,
pulling your hair and scratching your back
how I used to.
Him kissing your neck, your stomach and your thighs
how I yearn to.
Him making you moan his name
how I long to.

So forgive me for seeming so bitter,
but when you tell me you've moved on to greener pastures,
don't expect me to congratulate but rather to curse and cry,
how I want to.
based off my friend's girlfriend of 1 and 1/2 yearsbreaking up with him and dating a new guy 3 days later lol ******* ***** :)
why are my little thingys down here always so stupid ***
Apr 2014 · 808
Cliché
ellie Apr 2014
How I miss those deep blue ocean pools,
so full of everything I could ever love,
that I almost lost a lifetime gazing into them.
And how I miss those blush pink petals,
that shape together to form something so soft,
that I almost died from kissing them.
this ***** what am i doing
Mar 2014 · 426
ashes to petals
ellie Mar 2014
Petals fall all around you,
decorating grass and mud with pink confetti,
as if it's a celebration
that with time you have passed on,
and now are one with the trees.
a quick tanka idk
Feb 2014 · 2.5k
Unborn
ellie Feb 2014
Purity embodied in a cluster of multiplying cells,
No reputation to hold you down,
No sour memories of nights in motels.

Delicacy enriched in the form of ever shut eyes,
No scars or bruises on your form,
No tears from deceit and lies.

Youthfulness enlightened in the shape of lungs un-breathing,
No loathing or distaste for life,
No broken words and kisses that lack meaning.

Beauty epitomised in growing hands and feet,
No insults and comments to break your ego,
No hurtful rumours overheard to make you skip a beat.

So please for me,
stay pure,
stay delicate,
stay youthful,
stay beautiful,
stay you.

Because the world outside is harsh and cold,
with pain and suffering inevitable.
But in this light,
with your scan in my hands,
your picture feels like gold.
For my English teacher, who has just left on maternity leave//
Feb 2014 · 568
Years from now
ellie Feb 2014
Twenty* years from now, you'll be making porridge for your husband and two kids.
If I told you then, would you have believed me?

Ten years from now, you'll be taking your daughter to her first day of school.
If I told you then, would you have believed me?

Five years from now, you'll be buying your first house with your second husband.
If I told you then, would you  have believed me?

One year from now, you'll be on a date with that man from the office who makes you smile.
If I told you then, would you have believed me?

The answer is probably not.
You wouldn't have looked forward and seen these things.
You couldn't have pushed past the fog and gazed upon the light.
But you will.
And so before you give up,
I need you to believe me.
For my mother, who almost gave up, but didn't, and now stands in the kitchen making my breakfast.
Feb 2014 · 527
a thousand sunsets
ellie Feb 2014
a thousand sunsets could not compare,
to the sun in your eyes and the light on your hair.
a million flowers cannot measure,
the fullness of your beauty for you are my greatest treasure.
Nov 2013 · 639
schizophrenia
ellie Nov 2013
speak louder i cant
hear what you're saying
why are you screaming i dont
  understand what you are trying to tell me
do you see the shadows move in the
   same ways i do
how are you singing in my head even though your
    lips arent moving and you arent even here
what is wrong with me why do i hear you when
     you dont exist
i feel insane
Nov 2013 · 367
Dead love
ellie Nov 2013
Things aren't the same when the puzzle pieces no longer fit,
and eyes no longer meet when empty "I love you"s are spoken.
Hands are cold when they don't fit together like they once did,
and hearts beat out of time like a broken clock.
Conversation dwindles and dies like a fire with no fuel,
and my feelings suffocate me because I know what we have now,
is not what it once was.
i wrote this a while ago before me and my girlfriend actually broke up **** i should have seen it coming
Nov 2013 · 1.2k
Knee Highs
ellie Nov 2013
Your knee high socks make my hands itch,
Begging for the contact that seems inevitable,
Your lips crushing against mine with tongues and teeth and blood from bites,
My hand in between those soft thighs and your moans in my ear,
All because of your knee highs.
idk i wrote this in like 1 second
Nov 2013 · 389
不安
ellie Nov 2013
insecurities plague your mind,
spreading like disease,
and killing you slowly from the inside.
不安 means 'insecurities' in japanese
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