i've never loved a pair of blue eyes
just seas of green and everything in between

i've never been a part of something larger
just floating around in an endless harbor

i've never laughed with such conviction
accompanied with the feeling of a bare existence

i've never chosen to be loved so easily
but with you it comes so peacefully

this life i've orchestrated
is left dangling in these
unwashed hands of mine
the waves of time
are swimming in sorrow
and the waves of time
are running out
it's like i'm missing the punchline
to the joke
and the punchline is
that you aren't coming back
when will we realize that we
aren't really here
for a reason?
we are only here to exist
we are like god's paper dolls:
getting dressed up to impress no one
getting depressed to appeal to no one
when you are too busy falling in love to
comprehend this,
the lines become blurred
the universe becomes intrusive,
and you are immersed in mercy
smeared in the sanity
that you can't even grasp
then suddenly
the waves of time
knock your feet
right from underneath you
and you



drown.

let me crack open your already fractured skull,
and clean up the mess inside
these nimble fingers of mine
ache to be laced within yours
and i let me tear
the pages of a broken childhood
from your family photo albums
so we can write a new story
of kissing all the boo boos
and searching for the monsters under your bed
we can take the flashlights
out behind the rows of pine trees at night
and let me make shadow puppets of a life reimagined  
there's a breeze that flows
through the familiarity of this feeling
you can find it in the kitchen sink,
this shattered old bathroom mirror,
and a living room that never really felt alive
they don't matter anymore
and it's as if you never even lived here at all
and the boy stands in front of me
in the shadows of a second life
with a fractured skull and menthol breath
stringed with words that roll off his tongue
like barbed wire
because you don't even know yourself
and you're a fighting for a chance
at a life worth living
but these things will pass -
in and out of a melancholy mind of yours
while i remain on the bedroom floor
of the house you spent years trying to escape
cleaning up the mess inside your head

let's take a trip down memory lane:
endless alleys of admiration
capture the moments we took for granted
these loveless sidewalks
radiate desperation
as we watched the little things
slip our attention

let's take a trip down memory lane:
the city streets pulsate your name
and embody the countless emotions
that we both possessed
but can you  tell me -
do you feel this boundless
corrosion found inside my chest?

i'm having a of moment of un-clarity
like everything i've ever known
came crashing down in uncertainty
like i'm loving the way i hate myself
like i'm hating the way i love no one else
it's because we are content
with the sadness
and we carry that black mass
without a protest
and when we collapse into the darkness,
just sing a song with sad lyrics
with a bitter sound
and wear that distressed appearance
with a ******* demeanor
because everything i've ever wanted
has fallen right through my fingers
and you're never gonna be
as damaged as i will ever be
but here you are with me,
in a moment of un-clarity

i'm using the light to cast shadows upon your  body
shadows that tell us a story
of when i was 3 years old and my father left
of when i was 13 years old had an empty hole inside my chest
of when i was 16 years old and just ******* dramatic
of when i am 19 years old and just ******* sarcastic
i'm using the light to cast shadows upon your body
i'm trying to tell you that i am more than sorry -
i'm a sad case of sore eyes
wrapped in these cast shadows
hoping that this isn't something you will realize
and that all i ever wanted was a happy ending to my shadow stories

weird how something so impermanent
can feel so permanent
weird how laying in bed all day can be so tiring
weird how the afternoon was made for naps
weird how the rise and fall of your chest
can make the ocean feel jealous of such flawless movement
weird how these memories still remain after years of abandonment
weird how we never knew we'd end up here
weird how the winter winds brought me to tears
weird how you are everything and nothing
weird how i now have nothing

you're in my closet
you're next to my old ballet shoes
you're not graceful
and neither was i
you slipped through my fingers
so clumisly
with such force
you never really knew
how powerful you really were
you get so moved
you begin you move other people
me towards you
you away from me
we sit in silence now
you don't say rainy day thoughts
you just
tell me the same things
like: yeah, you look good today
but i never look good today
because there's this weight in my chest
you're in my chest
you're in my closet
you're in my past
with my old ballet shoes

there's nothing wrong with a little inspiration
put the blindfold on
and you're off to your new destination
you close your eyes and feel the vibrations
when you're on your knees and need a little motivation
baby let me be it

there's nothing wrong with a little medication
they send you home with a bottle
and you try to escape the depression
when you're alone in bed and want the temptation -
baby let me be it

there's nothing wrong with a little obsession
turn the lights out and let me give you some affection
attention, attention,
all you need is some protection -
baby let me be it

i love hating myself more than you love loving me
because love isn't easy and
neither are you
you are -
the sounds that stick to my  throat
songs that spill from my veins
and busy bruises that crawl up my body
and you are the things we leave behind accidentally,
the things we find coincidentally
turmoil that traces my jawline
and suffocates my esophagus
you and i need to be still,
be safe,
be subtle,
be still,
tie me up with your string of words,
end the struggle

you've got a lot to say
when you sigh
and you don't say anything
like:
you don't know what it's like everyday
and:
you're too young to understand why
you
tell me that it's not so simple
that
life isn't always the way it seems
and
seven hundred other cliches
about the time you almost jumped
and
how you're tired of just settling
how you're
being a fog that's settled at dawn
you're
fighting the urge to lay down and yawn
you
like to sleep,
to escape
i like to sleep
so i can dream
dreams of eyes that say everything,
like a glance
that radiates what your thoughts sing,
a moment
where all things feel invincible
a time
where i don't feel so invisible
where it all comes into place
laced in between your fingers
and then you kiss my face
but,
you don't say anything at all

you've got a lot to say
when you sigh
and you don't say anything
like:
you don't know what it's like
and:
you've too young to understand these things
you're being a fog that's settled at dawn
you're fighting the urge to lay down and yawn
you like to sleep
only for the hell of it
i like to sleep
so i can dream
dreams of sighs that say everything,
a glance that radiates what your thoughts sing
a moment where all things feel invincible
where it all comes into place
you don't say anything at all

everything i've wanted to tell you
i will tell you tomorrow
and the wait of it all doesn't even give you sorrow
these dilapidated sentence structures suffocate us,
they drown out our intricacy, our noisy illustrations
and i don't even want you to resuscitate me

there was no intention for this
this is silent screaming,
violent dreaming,
sighs that escape the mess of your mouth

it was earth day
we placed our feet into the fresh soil
dipping our toes into foreign content
we were only so old,
only so young
the water felt warm for the time being
the time being short,
the feelings feeling long
long days spent as children acting
like adults
adults with problems
"we aren't similar, you and me"
"you're no different"
you were different
we push
you pull
we separate
we wash our bodies inside the once foreign water
with a feeling of longingness in the spaces between us
it was earth day that day
we said goodbye

we look into houses at night
and tell ourselves, that will be us one day"
illuminated by the idea that "us" and "one day"
will remain eternal
this runs through
our high-strung,
heart-strung,
minds
our bodies,
sprawled out
like the conglomeration of constellations that  
we look up into the sky at night
it's because we're trying to find something inspiring,
something awe-striking and divine
but we already are
we are ***** and demanding
we are spiralling and spinning
into the universe that longs for us -
we are illuminated
by the light that spills from houses at night

**** me in the sistine chapel
with your lips against my neck
and your breath still hot and lingering
"at least she died happy," they'll say
"or least, 'happy' for being...her"

when i take my last breath,
it is't michelangelo's masterpieces
on the ceiling i'll be focused on
*it's you i want to see before i go

i don't even want to be a human anymore;
i want to be a song, a melody
so catchy
you can't get me out of your head -
for an eternity

boys with lanky limbs
and ****** up feelings

boys who whisper dandilion wishes
and then rip out your capilliaries:
one after the other

boys who outline the roadmap
of your body with their fingertips
boys who demolish your soul
with their lips

boys who say i love you
and mean it

you're all soft lines
and blurry edges:
like the moments between each
rise and fall of our chests
while your lips entwine mine
with every breath.

i used to write about being sad -
the things i know:
how my fingers constantly grasped for
metacarpals the never really
fit with in mine
and how only the fire
that i poured down my throat
made me utter the words,
"i love you".
now i struggle upon embracing
how the drowsy-eyed glances
turned into sacharine stares,
the whispers of "you could love me",
places on top of mountains,
and freckles that i can count;
every single one of them.
if they say,
"write about what you know",
then where do i even start
about all of the things i don't?

when i die
bury me with butterflies,
cut my veins open
and fill them with your sedated sighs.
when i die
play bloodbuzz ohio,
and twirl and laugh.
kiss me on the cold cheek,
tell me how much you'll miss me
and my drowsy eyes
my cautious conscience
my satirical stares,
and long nights that didn't seem so long
when i die,
bury me with butterflies,
2 weeks of life is all they need;
and so do i.

i'm sorry that i write words
into fickle lines
like my life depends on it
and that i sink ships
harbored in your heart
faster than the lose lips that whispered, "i love you"
i'm sorry that the constellations engraved in my palms
will perpetually lead back to you
and that your calloused fingertips will always feel like home
i'm sorry that feelings are fleeting
and that mine are cemented,
that all i've ever wanted
was benevolence
and that you are immortally running in the rivers of my consciousness.
but mostly,
i'm sorry that i will invariably confess through
spilled ink and teardrops
what i stand for
rather than tell you
what the voices  echo constantly in my hollow skull.

i very strongly doubt
that you have felt an ache
in your bones
as gravely as i have
when you walked away
from us.

"misery loves company"*
then why do i feel
so alone?

my words are going to hit you.
so hard,
you forget your first name.
the paintings etched on your skin
will now be our story
and i want your
cigarette-stained fingertips
to burn holes into
my skin -
set me on fire.
my words are going to stay with you
while you're not
holding your breath
on bridges,
tunnels,
elevators,
traintracks...
and while my face would be turning blue,
with lack of oxygen.
my words are
so precisely
and concisely
constructed into sentences,
that are never spoken,
never whispered,
uttered,
or murmured;
but they are written down
for you to read.
so please -
touch my face
tell me you love me
then *set me on fire.

the waves roar,
toes cuddle the sand
and the shoreline invites legs
with licks of salty breaths.
in and out,
the tide sighs
while tiny tourists glide
on sail boats in the distance.
and ice cold coke,
and you.

the sea purrs,
the sun begins to set
along the dusty horizon.
laughter becomes muffled
and the sand now naked,
stripped of umbrellas,
leaving behind
only foot prints.
a half-melted strawberry sundae,
and you.

what's dead is dead
and what is dead
**is you

this isn't a ******* poem
this is unnecessary swearing
this is holding my breath over bridges,
and broken pinky promises and hearts.
this isn't a poem
this is free falling into fog,
waking up with knotted hair
and wondering what you're thinking about in the morning
this isn't a poem
this is what it's like to not have a perfect ending

please
say the words you know
i want to say.
please
never change,
let me meet the skeletons in your closet,
let me hear your silent screams,
and define the word "forever" for me.
please
capture every moment
like a little piece of infinity,
so satisfactory that we savor it.
please
be my music,
play me like your guitar.
please**
melt in my mouth like molasses,
and breathe me into oblivion.

"you could love me,"
you say to me
as the whirr of the A/C
slips your whisper into my ears
and it must have been about:
55 degrees in there,
but i swear to god i just,
*melted

i am the crisp air beneath your feet
i am the silence in the room
before two lips meet
sometimes i become the constellations
in the sky
looking down upon
those who are meek
because you see, the stars -
they are so fleeting
they never live
or cease to die
there's a whole other world out there -
and so am i

do not fall in love with me
i will only breathe you in so deep,
you will not be able to escape.
i will constantly rearrange your consonants
and syllables to make you
more symetric.
do not fall in love with me
i will only **** you in,
surpass every expectation
you've ever had of me,
spit you out,
and sew your
unapologetic apologies
into ****** poetry.
do not fall in love with me.

you:
a guilt-seeking, vindictive missile
headed straight for my heart.
me:
a demolished pile of dust;
a humiliated heart in ruins.

sometimes it feels like
the air's escaped my lungs
or a symphony of synchronized sighs or maybe even a free fall into the fog at night
i know that it's been a while
even though it still ****** like a pinwheel spinning in gusts of wind going 90 mph
or maybe like the air's been ****** out of my lungs
or maybe like a river runs out of my crying eyes
or maybe
i'm just...
being
******* dramatic

the day the city we built came crumbling down is the day i asked myself over and over again:

were you not level headed,
were you tipsy turvy,
were you drowsy eyed,
when there were earthquakes erupting from your palms?
were you even ok,
when you shoved me in the back of your "junk drawer" in your mind
did you even try to know what it felt like when i erased you from my wasted time
did you flight or fight
or did you even try to understand
when your palms were trembling like earthquakes?

I WANT:
to visit history musems
and make our own.
i want to take walks
down old beaten paths,
and see sunsets in unfamiliar places
I WANT:
to breathe in your sigh
while looking at the harvest moon,
hold your weary face in the morning
and murmur,
"everything will be alright"
I WANT:
to transcend my happiness
into your chest
I WANT:
to believe that
cold winter nights
aren't just the memories
only you love,
I WANT:
what we *aren't

i miss my blonde summer
hair
i miss the way you were
there
and how when we talked about nothing
and it always turned into
something
i miss the hazy days
together
and the way they went on
forever
sometimes though,
i felt
alone
and sometimes though,
you were
home
(whenever i was with you)
but most times though,
you
weren't
and that
hurt
and now i know i was
wrong
for believing you when
you sang your stupid, stupid
songs
quivering lips softly
bitten
while the end was starting to be
written
i really did
care....
guess it's too good to be true
when he makes you feel like you're dancing on air