today i listened to music and cried
for the first time in
a really long time
it still hurts

you're all soft lines
and blurry edges:
like the moments between each
rise and fall of our chests
while your lips entwine mine
with every breath.

time flies by
and so does the wind against my window pane
rain drops concoct a symphony:
plink
plink
plink
my body is comfortably numb
though,
my thoughts are quite the opposite

time flies by and so do the feelings inside my head
they are lost
searching for some sort of salvation,
searching for you,
running,
walking,
crawling
for you.

time flies by and so do my memories of you
i revisit them
the good, the bad,
and the broken
if it's healthy-
it hurts
if it's haunting-
it hurts.

time flies by while i waste away in bed
and i wonder if you are,
too.

i very strongly doubt
that you have felt an ache
in your bones
as gravely as i have
when you walked away
from us.

the day the city we built came crumbling down is the day i asked myself over and over again:

were you not level headed,
were you tipsy turvy,
were you drowsy eyed,
when there were earthquakes erupting from your palms?
were you even ok,
when you shoved me in the back of your "junk drawer" in your mind
did you even try to know what it felt like when i erased you from my wasted time
did you flight or fight
or did you even try to understand
when your palms were trembling like earthquakes?

i am the crisp air beneath your feet
i am the silence in the room
before two lips meet
sometimes i become the constellations
in the sky
looking down upon
those who are meek
because you see, the stars -
they are so fleeting
they never live
or cease to die
there's a whole other world out there -
and so am i

i yearn so dearly
to be intricate
and nomadic
but for now
i'm bound to this town that's gone to ****
and with these people so scared of change
while i am,
on the other hand:
*hungry for it

Peter Pan had nothing on you
truely a Lost Boy,
Sad but charming
no direction
but only a destination
Off to Never-Neverland
don't like Metallica
but sure do like you.

i just want to drink some tea
and go to sleep
i'm tired of
another week of
defeat

i don't even like tea

growing up seems
stupid
i feel dumb and
useless
full of ****
and excuses
life's weird
and i'm so
foolish

leave me out
to dry
i just don't feel
like trying
love me
like another lie
so you can leave me for
some other storyline


i don't even like you

let's take a trip down memory lane:
endless alleys of admiration
capture the moments we took for granted
these loveless sidewalks
radiate desperation
as we watched the little things
slip our attention

let's take a trip down memory lane:
the city streets pulsate your name
and embody the countless emotions
that we both possessed
but can you  tell me -
do you feel this boundless
corrosion found inside my chest?

there is nothing poetic
about the way you smash your drums in
like you smash memories

there is nothing poetic about the way you recite words
that mean everything to you

but do not live by

there is nothing poetic about how you look to the left
because the right way is never your way 

there is nothing poetic deep under your ‘skin’
there is nothing poetic about finding a better place to ‘fit in’
there is nothing poetic about the way you percieve the world or what kind of music you listen to or the way you dress or the way you feel when you are alone and looking at the stars

there is nothing poetic about the smell of camp fire or peter pan or metallica
because we’re off to neverland 

only, you’re off to nowhere 

there is nothing poetic about you

there is nothing poetic about you

the waves roar,
toes cuddle the sand
and the shoreline invites legs
with licks of salty breaths.
in and out,
the tide sighs
while tiny tourists glide
on sail boats in the distance.
and ice cold coke,
and you.

the sea purrs,
the sun begins to set
along the dusty horizon.
laughter becomes muffled
and the sand now naked,
stripped of umbrellas,
leaving behind
only foot prints.
a half-melted strawberry sundae,
and you.

sometimes it feels like
the air's escaped my lungs
or a symphony of synchronized sighs or maybe even a free fall into the fog at night
i know that it's been a while
even though it still ****** like a pinwheel spinning in gusts of wind going 90 mph
or maybe like the air's been ****** out of my lungs
or maybe like a river runs out of my crying eyes
or maybe
i'm just...
being
******* dramatic

weird how something so impermanent
can feel so permanent
weird how laying in bed all day can be so tiring
weird how the afternoon was made for naps
weird how the rise and fall of your chest
can make the ocean feel jealous of such flawless movement
weird how these memories still remain after years of abandonment
weird how we never knew we'd end up here
weird how the winter winds brought me to tears
weird how you are everything and nothing
weird how i now have nothing

I WANT:
to visit history musems
and make our own.
i want to take walks
down old beaten paths,
and see sunsets in unfamiliar places
I WANT:
to breathe in your sigh
while looking at the harvest moon,
hold your weary face in the morning
and murmur,
"everything will be alright"
I WANT:
to transcend my happiness
into your chest
I WANT:
to believe that
cold winter nights
aren't just the memories
only you love,
I WANT:
what we *aren't

you're in my closet
you're next to my old ballet shoes
you're not graceful
and neither was i
you slipped through my fingers
so clumisly
with such force
you never really knew
how powerful you really were
you get so moved
you begin you move other people
me towards you
you away from me
we sit in silence now
you don't say rainy day thoughts
you just
tell me the same things
like: yeah, you look good today
but i never look good today
because there's this weight in my chest
you're in my chest
you're in my closet
you're in my past
with my old ballet shoes

you and me -
we were like a train wreck waiting to happen
like watching animal planet by yourself late at night
about a lion stalking young gazelle in the sahara
and trying to turn your head
when he goes in for the ****
but you can't
you always told me,
"hey, love is pain"
but this kind of pain hurt so bad
it felt good
i liked it when you ripped my heart out
so swiftly and remorselessly
i was your conquest,
and you,
my conquerer
the lines you  told me
the last day we spoke
i now have so religiously memorized
and i play on repeat
over,
and over,
and over again
and ever since
i haven't wanted to wait for another train wreck to happen again

i wonder 
if it’s like de ja vú

listening to the same ****** music

in the same ****** car

on the same ****** road 

i wonder 
if you glance over while going 60 in a 25

and wish you’d spontaneously combust

when the person beside you 
isn’t me

because i do every night

they were seventeen
running in reverse
running from an unnamed curse

the sideways streets
will lead us to the past

time will never last

a car crash in an alleyway
life happens so fast

they are so far away
we are so close

but we will never live that legacy

boys with lanky limbs
and ****** up feelings

boys who whisper dandilion wishes
and then rip out your capilliaries:
one after the other

boys who outline the roadmap
of your body with their fingertips
boys who demolish your soul
with their lips

boys who say i love you
and mean it

everything i've wanted to tell you
i will tell you tomorrow
and the wait of it all doesn't even give you sorrow
these dilapidated sentence structures suffocate us,
they drown out our intricacy, our noisy illustrations
and i don't even want you to resuscitate me

i wanna become
entangled in your love
i wanna be
dissolved slowly,
ravaged and devoured wholly

but he said he only likes blondes,
so now my brown hair is gone
he said "this will be forever"
but i guess forever was too long

i wanna become
twisted under your thumb
i wanna be
your one and only
when you're with me
you'll never be lonely

but i guess forever was too long

awoken by a hazy and golden sunrise
i stumbled
from the dewy tangled grass,
head pounding -
almost as hard as the day you left me
i found myself in the field of daisies,
(the same kind of flowers that lay withered for weeks
on my bedside table)
the fragrance pierced my consciousness and before i knew it
we were sitting on that park bench under the moon light
with tiny wild daisies in your one hand -
your other on my thigh
we never would have guessed
that i'd be half drunk a year later
on your memories in a field of ******* daisies

i'm using the light to cast shadows upon your  body
shadows that tell us a story
of when i was 3 years old and my father left
of when i was 13 years old had an empty hole inside my chest
of when i was 16 years old and just ******* dramatic
of when i am 19 years old and just ******* sarcastic
i'm using the light to cast shadows upon your body
i'm trying to tell you that i am more than sorry -
i'm a sad case of sore eyes
wrapped in these cast shadows
hoping that this isn't something you will realize
and that all i ever wanted was a happy ending to my shadow stories

i wanna go on long trips with you
stop at gas stations and eat chips with you
do the things that lovers do,
get lost and dissolve into you

but,
it's okay if we just pretend
we're only going nowhere
in the end

you could leave today
behind for tomorrow
this is the diaspora where
no one follows
and i promise it won't take much
to let it all go


sometimes leaving
just looks a lot better
inside my head

what does it mean to be in love?

is it:
a synchronized system of sighs
?
is it:

an everlasting eternity of evolution
?
is it:

like placing hot coals on your heart?

tell me -
how every freckle formed on your face
,
and how 
you got that scar that runs through 
your nose like a river

tell me -

who is it that you want to be 
when you look in the mirror 
every morning,
what stops you from jumping off the roof
,
and how many times have you actually prayed to god
?
tell me -
what is a synchronized system of sighs?
what does it mean to be in love?

this life i've orchestrated
is left dangling in these
unwashed hands of mine
the waves of time
are swimming in sorrow
and the waves of time
are running out
it's like i'm missing the punchline
to the joke
and the punchline is
that you aren't coming back
when will we realize that we
aren't really here
for a reason?
we are only here to exist
we are like god's paper dolls:
getting dressed up to impress no one
getting depressed to appeal to no one
when you are too busy falling in love to
comprehend this,
the lines become blurred
the universe becomes intrusive,
and you are immersed in mercy
smeared in the sanity
that you can't even grasp
then suddenly
the waves of time
knock your feet
right from underneath you
and you



drown.

november screamed
breaking at the seams
waiting to be free
aching to be relieved
october was you and me
october danced
felt like flying above the world
and made the real-life problems
look like ants
october breathed,
october was you
and me

**** me in the sistine chapel
with your lips against my neck
and your breath still hot and lingering
"at least she died happy," they'll say
"or least, 'happy' for being...her"

when i take my last breath,
it is't michelangelo's masterpieces
on the ceiling i'll be focused on
*it's you i want to see before i go

i love hating myself more than you love loving me
because love isn't easy and
neither are you
you are -
the sounds that stick to my  throat
songs that spill from my veins
and busy bruises that crawl up my body
and you are the things we leave behind accidentally,
the things we find coincidentally
turmoil that traces my jawline
and suffocates my esophagus
you and i need to be still,
be safe,
be subtle,
be still,
tie me up with your string of words,
end the struggle

my inspiration
lies in the palms
of your calloused hands,
drips from them like
wine onto
the floor -
into my mouth

i don't even want to be a human anymore;
i want to be a song, a melody
so catchy
you can't get me out of your head -
for an eternity

i keep telling myself:
stop romanticizing everyone who ****** up your life
**they ****** up your life

i wish that you'd wear your seatbelt
because i want you and no one else
i wish we were both sedated
because then there would be no reason
to say we couldnt make it
and the car is empty now,
and i can't seem to figure it out -
because now my heart is in my throat
because i don't remember a word
that you spoke
because the music skimmed the air
and i hang on to every note -
now the melody is diguised
in those little lies
while the love we shared slowly died...
so,
i wish that i didn't wear my seatbelt
because now i want to be anyone
but myself

i've been finding myself
burried inbetween
more and more
moments of unspoken anger

i've been learning how to
swallow that **** daily,
just like my *******
birth control

you make me jittery
restless and blistery
you wrap me up,
warm but bitterly

you are my cup of coffee

i probably shouldnt be saying this but i really  can't resist:

if we were to suffocate
right here in this velvetly air,
i probably wouldn't even care
we would watch our things, our posessions, our valuables float into the atmosphere
as we continue to breathe in the sulfur,
ladies and gentleman,
prepare to say your last prayer

we were designed to go this way, i swear

is this really what it takes
to make us feel human?
is this really what it takes
to make us feel alive?
i don't know why i'd rather die
than to hang on every word
like it was your last

i really don't mean to sound like
such a bother but it's just that i can't
seem to figure out why i even bother.

and hey,
everybody has those days
and everybody has those nights
like the ones where i lay staring at the ceiling
til i feel like i might stop breathing
because i don't know
who to call at 3 in the morning
because i know your sleep is more important
because the only trace of
"i love you" can be found
underneath your finger nails,
i can still remember your breathing
your skinfolds, the tiny little details
but each dig feels sharper than the last
because i don't like to write in the last
few pages of my notebook because
i actually don't want my story to end

but here we are

we're dying in the street
we're struggling to breath
and i can't feel my heart beat
that's what i wanted, right?