Your inability to take accountability shows me the type of man I was with.

I feel like I'm going to puke.
I'm feeling as crazy as driving down your street at 2am blaring my car horn. This is the first we've spoken in months and it feels good. This diaphram strain hasnt been holding me back from singing in the shower, singing our song. Whatever that may be. You wounded me in ways I feel I'll never heal from, I'm down to my last cigarette and I want to smoke it- I got my license so I can get more, maybe ill keep driving and driving til I see your house and your new unfamiliar car parked in front of it. You move me in ways I never expected and I haven't moved your way in what feels like decades.
I love you.

right now my chest feels like it has 100 bricks laying across it, my head feels like it weighs 100 pounds and it's going to tip over. We're back where we were when we first started and it's a shame that this is where we've landed. Time after time after time again I have tried to fix this, tried to fix us, tried to fix you. I couldn't save you from yourself, I couldn't save us from this disaster. You aren't the only one to blame, I know I could have done more, I could have forced you to get the help you needed in the beginning, but you didn't want to, you never did. I hope now that I'm leaving you realize you are not okay, that you have never been okay. You're broken and that's alright, just stop trying to pretend you haven't shattered into a million pieces already. You were my world, my moon, the current in my ocean. My soul has never felt more at home in your arms. We loved each other in another life and maybe that was enough, maybe a previous lifetime spent loving you was enough.
Maybe it was enough.

I remember nights when I was so petrified, you'd sit outside the bathroom door for me as I'd shower. I remember nights you'd climb in my bed to soothe my sobs and stop my tears from wetting my pillow. I remember when you'd hold my hand and teach me to be confident with my shoulders back. I remember the nights of endless secret telling and shushes to keep quiet. I remember it all. Yet those sweet pea memories are slowly drifting away back to sea with the memory of who you used to be. I can't seem to get you to look me in the eyes anymore, I can't get you to hold me when I have an episode. I can't get you to spend time with me, your baby sister, and maybe its a big sister thing; growing tired of being your little sister's keeper. I dont know. But I know there are no more nights of secret telling, there are no more nights of being held while I cry. There are no more nights of you sitting outside the bathroom door for me. There are none.

She sat there on her mountain top pleased with where she found herself. Yet each day she would chisel where she sat, "a chisel each day" she thought "won't do any harm." So each day she would awl where she rested maybe to see if one day she'd have nothing left to chisel, maybe the mountain would swallow her whole for destroying its wonderous peak, maybe nothing would happen- maybe nothing at all. So she persisted til one day there was nothing left to chisel, and she went tumbling down.

I remember sometimes I'd try everything in my power to get you to laugh, and how sometimes it didn't work. Yet there were those special moments in between the lack of reciprocation and fights I'd get you to give me that look. I walk up to you
"Hey my friends are having a party tonight and I know we just met but it'd be cool if you came." We were dating well past a year at this point, flash forward three hours and we're drunk sitting on couches with strangers around us. "Hey, Paul right? I'm glad you decided to come" the people around us get excited over what they think is a budding relationship, you look over to them smile and say "This is my girlfriend..."

We saw each other tonight. We talked about the ****** living situation you're in because we're no longer living together. We talked about old secret handshakes we had with our siblings and couldn't control the laughter. You asked to take me out to dinner soon, how quickly I wanted to say yes surprised me. I told you I would think about it instead. The way you love me eats me up inside and reminds me of the way I loved when I was younger. So selflessly and heart wrenching at the same time. How it hurt to love something that much, but I couldnt control it. How it felt like my brain was cracking in two and every cell in my body was exploding when they said they no longer wanted to be mine. I feel that way tonight, I feel that terrible pain in my gut that makes me feel like we should have never split up in the first place, that I should just forgive you and tell you to come back home. But I can't, not yet.

It's almost 1am and I'm laying down to sleep. The fan is not running and you aren't here to rock me to sleep. I can truly think of a million reasons why we shouldn't be together, but I am so drawn to you. I'm drawn to the way you hold me, I'm drawn to the way you move the little bits of hair out of my face, I'm drawn to the way you're not afraid to get your hands ***** and work. I miss you. I miss how we would laugh together in our dim smokey room. I miss how we would conquer tasks that laid before us, how we would evolve tenfold past what set us back. I miss the light that shown within you.

I'm sitting at my work desk after hours because I have to get this off my chest. You loved me in ways I couldn't love you back.  I loved him in ways he would never understand. These empty nights of  just sitting alone  haunt me. They bring me back to all my winters past where my skin turns a ghostly white and my eyes sink in like a body on a soft mattress. I felt tattered and worn when I was yours. In fact I have felt that way with all of my lovers, tattered and worn like a favorite piece of clothing, worn so much it's falling apart.
I am again falling apart.

I'm itching your name off like sun burnt skin, these days without you... are something I cannot explain in words, these days without you feel as hollow as the ones with you. See, I know you aren't a substantial lover or the kind of lover I need. You are able to subtract your feelings from the equation whereas mine stays forever constant. I never did well in math, I never thought I would gaze upon us with the same eyes I look upon an equation, one I cannot solve. You, now a resented chapter I pass in the pages of my textbook, I watch as the pages fall effortlessly onto one another, collapsing within itself. With pain I pass your pages, to start a new.