You shake and rattle my brain and I curse you under my breath for it.
You stand there intrigued and evaulating why I came to the decision I did.
You ask to see me "only platonically" I say, but you dont mind. I leap for a kiss and I can almost feel your lips on mine... But alas this was just a dream. See I can't understand why you're stuck in my brain like a semiconductive device, no matter how far I travel you always find me. I know I'm the last thing on your mind, I know the thought of my smile doesn't send chills down your spine, I know the pure thought of seeing me does nothing to the butterflies in your belly, for they fall asleep when you think of me.
I know I am of the lucky few to have found a true love after you, one that braids flowers in my hair, and yet I still miss the way your thorns would ***** my skin.
We've ended with a million words and miles between us, I wonder if you dream of me. I'll smoke a cigarette on the way and another one when I get there, wherever that may be. I'm losing the memory of you and it feels foreign to not wear your name anymore, 36 months since and I am simply forgetting how your fingertips swirled my skin; I want to remember. Every improvement I make on this journey without you is wrecked by your ever constant loop around my mind, like the sun's rotation around the earth, there you are again.

Our encounters have become few and far between, I don't wake to find myself in your bed anymore. I haven't felt awake since you last held me, I'm begging my mind to grasp hold of our memories and not let them free for fear of losing them. I remember when I wanted nothing more than to forget your voice, your touch, your laugh. I wanted so badly to forget how well you whistled a tune and how my head laying on your chest made me feel regal.

The bittersweet essence of you still lingers on my tongue, can you feel my kisses on your cigarette burns? Can you remember the smell of my hair and how the curves of my waist made my shudder? Can you remember what it was like to completely consume me with just a kiss? Can you remember my laugh? Will you ever find me again?

I cannot get enough of you, I cannot get enough of the way you sing in the car, I cannot get enough of your hands on the steering wheel, I cannot get enough of your hands on my thigh, I cannot get enough of feeling your bare shoulders and messy hair in the dark, I can't get enough of your lips on mine and the way you kiss my face when I'm asleep, I can't get enough of how protected I feel when you wrap your arms around me, I can't get enough of how my arms tossed around your neck with my lips on yours feel as normal as the sun coming up every morning. There was a rocky beach with a raging sea inside of me, there's a constant storm that everyday took control and ceased to end. The day you resisted the winds and waves of my raging sea and called me beautiful in the middle of it all was the day you calmed my sea and softened my shore.

I've been doing well when it comes to pushing the thought of you away,
But tonight I'll sit in the rose water pool that is nostalgia and miss your drunken kisses.
It's hard to believe we exist in the same moment- just different places. How is it over the mountain?
I remember the coolness of the fireponds, I remember the smell of the summer fires, I remember the view of the sunset from your house, I remember you turning around and flashing me a smile.
Tonight I'll miss the laughter, the feeling of the moonlight soaking every inch of my skin while we ran through that field, I'll miss the taste of beer on your lips when you'd go in for a kiss. I'll miss the feeling of hearing you say "I love you" without hesitation.
Tonight ill miss sitting on your lap while we shared a bottle of wine, ill miss you leaving during an argument and coming back with two beers for us to talk over. I'll miss the feeling of fixing things with you. I'll miss the way you swayed the last time you hugged me... The last time you loved me. Tonight ill miss loving you, and feeling the same in return.

How many miles left?
Can my tires make it, or have they corded out already?
Am I driving on rims?
Move, please I beg of you, get me there. Take me back where I was when I felt something other than this hollow emptiness that now echoes my marbled halls.
You sputter with one last puff of black smoke. I rest my head on the steering wheel, realizing this Rube Goldberg device stopped working long ago.
I don't care to lift the hood and diagnosis the issue, finding a remedy for your fluctuation.
So I'll just leave you here, with a white t-shirt in the window, but I'm not coming back.

Your inability to take accountability shows me the type of man I was with.

I feel like I'm going to puke.
I'm feeling as crazy as driving down your street at 2am blaring my car horn. This is the first we've spoken in months and it feels good. This diaphram strain hasnt been holding me back from singing in the shower, singing our song. Whatever that may be. You wounded me in ways I feel I'll never heal from, I'm down to my last cigarette and I want to smoke it- I got my license so I can get more, maybe ill keep driving and driving til I see your house and your new unfamiliar car parked in front of it. You move me in ways I never expected and I haven't moved your way in what feels like decades.
I love you.

right now my chest feels like it has 100 bricks laying across it, my head feels like it weighs 100 pounds and it's going to tip over. We're back where we were when we first started and it's a shame that this is where we've landed. Time after time after time again I have tried to fix this, tried to fix us, tried to fix you. I couldn't save you from yourself, I couldn't save us from this disaster. You aren't the only one to blame, I know I could have done more, I could have forced you to get the help you needed in the beginning, but you didn't want to, you never did. I hope now that I'm leaving you realize you are not okay, that you have never been okay. You're broken and that's alright, just stop trying to pretend you haven't shattered into a million pieces already. You were my world, my moon, the current in my ocean. My soul has never felt more at home in your arms. We loved each other in another life and maybe that was enough, maybe a previous lifetime spent loving you was enough.
Maybe it was enough.

I remember nights when I was so petrified, you'd sit outside the bathroom door for me as I'd shower. I remember nights you'd climb in my bed to soothe my sobs and stop my tears from wetting my pillow. I remember when you'd hold my hand and teach me to be confident with my shoulders back. I remember the nights of endless secret telling and shushes to keep quiet. I remember it all. Yet those sweet pea memories are slowly drifting away back to sea with the memory of who you used to be. I can't seem to get you to look me in the eyes anymore, I can't get you to hold me when I have an episode. I can't get you to spend time with me, your baby sister, and maybe its a big sister thing; growing tired of being your little sister's keeper. I dont know. But I know there are no more nights of secret telling, there are no more nights of being held while I cry. There are no more nights of you sitting outside the bathroom door for me. There are none.

She sat there on her mountain top pleased with where she found herself. Yet each day she would chisel where she sat, "a chisel each day" she thought "won't do any harm." So each day she would awl where she rested maybe to see if one day she'd have nothing left to chisel, maybe the mountain would swallow her whole for destroying its wonderous peak, maybe nothing would happen- maybe nothing at all. So she persisted til one day there was nothing left to chisel, and she went tumbling down.

I remember sometimes I'd try everything in my power to get you to laugh, and how sometimes it didn't work. Yet there were those special moments in between the lack of reciprocation and fights I'd get you to give me that look. I walk up to you
"Hey my friends are having a party tonight and I know we just met but it'd be cool if you came." We were dating well past a year at this point, flash forward three hours and we're drunk sitting on couches with strangers around us. "Hey, Paul right? I'm glad you decided to come" the people around us get excited over what they think is a budding relationship, you look over to them smile and say "This is my girlfriend..."

We saw each other tonight. We talked about the ****** living situation you're in because we're no longer living together. We talked about old secret handshakes we had with our siblings and couldn't control the laughter. You asked to take me out to dinner soon, how quickly I wanted to say yes surprised me. I told you I would think about it instead. The way you love me eats me up inside and reminds me of the way I loved when I was younger. So selflessly and heart wrenching at the same time. How it hurt to love something that much, but I couldnt control it. How it felt like my brain was cracking in two and every cell in my body was exploding when they said they no longer wanted to be mine. I feel that way tonight, I feel that terrible pain in my gut that makes me feel like we should have never split up in the first place, that I should just forgive you and tell you to come back home. But I can't, not yet.

It's almost 1am and I'm laying down to sleep. The fan is not running and you aren't here to rock me to sleep. I can truly think of a million reasons why we shouldn't be together, but I am so drawn to you. I'm drawn to the way you hold me, I'm drawn to the way you move the little bits of hair out of my face, I'm drawn to the way you're not afraid to get your hands ***** and work. I miss you. I miss how we would laugh together in our dim smokey room. I miss how we would conquer tasks that laid before us, how we would evolve tenfold past what set us back. I miss the light that shown within you.

I'm sitting at my work desk after hours because I have to get this off my chest. You loved me in ways I couldn't love you back.  I loved him in ways he would never understand. These empty nights of  just sitting alone  haunt me. They bring me back to all my winters past where my skin turns a ghostly white and my eyes sink in like a body on a soft mattress. I felt tattered and worn when I was yours. In fact I have felt that way with all of my lovers, tattered and worn like a favorite piece of clothing, worn so much it's falling apart.
I am again falling apart.

I'm itching your name off like sun burnt skin, these days without you... are something I cannot explain in words, these days without you feel as hollow as the ones with you. See, I know you aren't a substantial lover or the kind of lover I need. You are able to subtract your feelings from the equation whereas mine stays forever constant. I never did well in math, I never thought I would gaze upon us with the same eyes I look upon an equation, one I cannot solve. You, now a resented chapter I pass in the pages of my textbook, I watch as the pages fall effortlessly onto one another, collapsing within itself. With pain I pass your pages, to start a new.