I know sometimes I’m a little obsessive
Some might call it bipolar depressive
Random mood swings causing me to become manic obsessive
Shifts in energy changes making me become impulsively energetic
Got my mind spinning around causing me a psychotic racing catatonic lack of awareness
So used to being told to calm down by my family and old therapist’s
Now I’m just living and learning off of my own failures and life lessons
Creating my own values and building towards a better impending prospective future with all these thoughts, ideas, different reasons and reactions
Moments of self worth can often start to feel fleeting due to daily life experiences and my own expressions
Followed by changes in feelings and mixed emotional ambivalence
Rarely opening up to people because, I feel vulnerable and misunderstood constantly stressing
But the few times I do is when something about them resonates with me making me feel calm, safe and accepted
I believe it’s because of my past trauma, I have to try everyday to be a soul survivor
Old coping mechanisms through past risky behaviors shattered recking havoc
Drugging and drinking to drown out these demons
In the depths of despair, my inner demon finds solace, a dangerous comfort I must avoid
Getting back up on my own two feet going to meetings after meeting
Late insomniac nights with thoughts never fully slowing down
Followed once again the next day I can’t seem to drown out all of the sounds
All these troubled thoughts restless I am
A soul survivor I fight, but I often find it hard to stand
Picking myself back up
I’m just a man searching for a way to feel human again

We parted our ways
I wanted to go with you
But my chaotic mind pulled me to a different direction.

A hug is now a dream
A kiss is like a star
I see your thoughts like an ocean
I hear your voice like the wind

But I never give up on my dreams
I won't stop reaching for the star
I will take the risk of crossing the ocean
I will hear the wind through my heart

So can you wait for me there in my favorite place the far side of eternal?

It's 3:30 am
Every night something is keeping me up
Every night I lay awake thinking...
Is it insomnia keeping me up through the dark dreary nights
Is it my chaotic bipolar mind telling me nothing in the end will work out right
Is it loneliness feeling as if all my friends left and nothing seems right
Or is it jealously where I don't know my place in the world, but everyone else I know seems just fine
I can't find my mind
I can't make the time
The wiring went faulty
I'm out of place
Am I out of my mind?
It's 3:32 am
Continplating on what I should do with this life
Everyone always says things in the end workout alright
But I can't get any sleep at night
I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of putting up a fight
And for what cost?
All my feelings and emotions are lost.

I'm not going to be your second choice
While you sleep around with other boys
oh no no

I'm tired of waiting and the wishful thinking
While I'm all alone, And you're out
I'm (dropped) finally starting to head back home.
Heading back fast on these back roads.

I used to want you dear,
to hold me closer oh.
But now we're losing grasp as you sleep around some more.

I'm not a back up plan for you, a second choice
Nobody's number two
When these {other} boys leave
don't come back chasing after me,
I didn't leave you bruised

Oh cause' I'm not a second choice like these fuckboys you're running to
Can't you see what you've done to me. You never
considered
these lies and la-ate nights,
waited on you

I'm driving home so far gone don't dare to Ring my phone because I'm so **** gone oh

And when you're alone
with no where to go
don't come back to me because you had the chance already
to be treated happily.

But it's too late you made your choice enjoy going back to these fuckboys

There is this girl, blonde hair blue eyes.

Her stunning blue eyes get their color the same way water and the sky get their true rich blue color. They scatter light so that more blue light reflects back out.

Her hair shines so bright, as bright as the sun in the sky. Warming my heart during the daytime.

When I look into her eyes,
I see a beautiful ocean, peaceful and at ease.
I see gentleness and her personality coming free.
It's ever so engaging.

I tell her her beauty and personalities flourish.

She's a flower child.

She's the sweetest hippie bringing me peace and tranquility.

Her words can not describe her smile it's so contagious.
It's no wonder why she leaves me ever so speechless.

If I could be with this girl,
I'd do my all to give her the world in which she deserves.

The words can’t escape me
I’m bending and I’m breaking
I’m holding onto a thin line
Grasping onto the little sanity I have left
Death is always near
There are often times I wish I wasn’t here
Dreams and reality seem to fade
I don’t know what’s real anymore it feels like I’m never awake
Can this all be a dream for goodness sake
Depression swoops in and out of my life and drains me
Anxiety knows exactly how to take me
Deep into this pit of doubt and despair
Wishing sometimes I had an angel to just take me there
See the light on the end of the tunnel that I hold onto so near
This isn’t a poem about suicide so no worries there now, dear
It’s more about how the days used to blossom and now about how I’m feeling numb inside with no one left to care
I mean truly what’s the point in life?
Sick of hearing everything works out right
My bipolar mind can’t make it out tonight
Dowsing myself in pills and whiskey
Hoping for a moment these feelings of guilt slip me
It’s hard when no one truly understands, just hoping one day someone will truly comprehend
I started smoking again to help with the anxiety that haunts my thoughts
But sadly nicotine might be what ends up killing me and I’ll be the one to haunt
Breath a breathe deeply into my lungs corroding my insides
I rather feel the pain from smoking than feeling nothing, but numb inside
**** my bipolar state of mind
Mood swings raging from highs to lows
I can’t chase these demons they sure know how to drown me until I have little room for growth
I’m not asking for pity, but just for someone to hold me for a second or two
I apologize my skies are grey not blue
Tell me it’s okay
That I’ll be okay
I keep reminding myself that I’m not my illness and yet it still taunts me
But how can one truly be themselves when their days are often clouded?
Where is my mind? I’m mentally, emotionally and physically drained
Often jaded
Happiness turns to sadness, sadness turns to anger
I feel bitter
Tired of watching as my life splinters
Here I am left alone hoping the ends near

Guarded we were kept in rooms like cages
It felt like prison cells for us to cave in
Screams burning our throats and lungs with spit stumbling out of our tongues in which burned like hell
The constant reminders that it's suppose to heal and help
But medicated up we were and I don't call that any sort of help
Lab rats we were the test
Pills and pills pour out over and over again
Our rooms guarded at night with little freedom we were locked in
And when we were allowed out we were constantly mistreated
For me I was misdiagnosed not once but several times which made me feel so defeated
After a while my mind went bleak and I lost track of time
Day in and day out everyday felt the same and I couldn't break the endless cycle it was a strain  
And being said everyday felt like a constant struggle to get "better"
But how can you get better when you're inside locked not able to see the nice summery weather
From what I remember my roommate clawed the walls like there were chains and shackles on his hands
He tore open his knuckles trying to break free but there was no escaping so we laid in our beds hopelessly
When it came time of night I got to call home I was high
The pills they had me on were not right
So I slowly broke down in my mind
A place to help one heal but it took so much time
I was scared shitless worried that I was finally out of my mind
Because I knew I was not in the right state of mind
One bad slip could have cost me my life
But when I was sent here it was all a lie
My mom told me I was seeing a new therapist, but here I lay institutionalized
The unfortunate Bipolar chaotic mind of mine
Once I was set free I thought I felt fine but
Weeks later sadness and depression yet again overcame me
Some pills and whiskey tried to take me away to heaven which I'll see some other day maybe?
That's when I sent myself back to actually try and learn something this time around I wanted to find my solid ground
At first it was hard because me and the guards watching us all didn't get along  
When I tried helping others there I was shamed for it as if it was wrong
How wrong can it be helping those who hurt and are helplessly unhappy like me
The guards were always pretending they didn't see a **** thing
People cried and screamed on their knees, snorting pills, and cutting themselves with anything they could reach
So broken so reckless so helpless one should pity
When we sat and discussed things in group therapy we were judged and mistreated
But I myself came to learn and grow
So from broken fragments I was able to rise which did feel better than getting high with the people I once called friends that after all this left my side
I didn't let things get to me I sat I listened I spoke dearly
The bullying of others didn't help me along, but I knew I'd get out sooner if I was nice and acted happy and didn't play and edge them along
There were constant fights which I had to split up
Some of the others didn't seem to care nor give a ****
But luckily for me and the few friends I made we worked together to better ourselves and get out of this place we found to be so ******
With the right state of minds we surly flew out of the cages we all grew
One by one we were set free
Hopeless birds we used to be

Toy with me like a ******* puppet keep pulling the strings until I'm under the mindset that I'm yours completely.
Read me like the novel that just sits gathering dust on your shelf because you don't read enough. As you tear out pages and pages for your cigarette butts, that coincidentally you got me back into.
My life's a pattern of endless cycles.
I'm happy one day and the next I'm lost because maybe I don't exactly know what to do.
I was just getting used to you.
And it honestly feels like burning for me, how you and others keep burning me on these streets in which we used to skate all night on.
We would stay up late at night waiting for the stars so we could sing our favorite rap songs in my car. Blasting music faster and faster we'd go singing and all.
Driving around because no destination for us was too far. You pushed me away and left me with a scar.
Making little stops on the way to the lonely field where you cut me deep to my gills.
Sometimes good people deal with too much that it becomes draining, was hoping to see the rainbow with us after it stopped raining.
For once I had thought I had someone to get along with, but you ended up becoming mischievous.
You called me a goon and for me that nickname just stuck and unfortunately you became bad luck.
We'd get to your place where we'd stay.
Smoking out of your little ****, then we would lay talking as night quickly turned to day.
By morning we'd rush to work knowing we couldn't sleep away our days. I was hoping for a Summer romance And we'd go out and dance, but you just never gave me the chance.
For me that was enough. Getting to know you and slowly falling harder and harder, but I couldn't take it much longer. As I started to get to know your family and friends, I just thought that would never end. Maybe just maybe if you could just see that I was happy for once and how I wished we could be.
You had me captivated with not just your looks, but your personality so rich and ever so engaging.
I cared for you and trusted you too which I normally don't often do.
It was nice going on dates and sometimes to the bars, I couldn't wait to stay up all night to see the stars.
You'd have me stay the night because we'd drink too much, you even turned out to be my crush.
It mattered that you cared even the  gentlest touch it was nice knowing someone made me feel like I mattered that much.
But then things crumpled and I felt ****** but it turned out I didn't have the luck.
After a nice movie out with my friend I saw you had hit me up I wished I wouldn't have opened up.
Do you even care or give a single ****? Maybe or maybe not.
We went from talking to nothing in a quick blink you ripped me to shreds and I had to clear my head and think. To me it seems like we did rush into this but you turned out to be mischievous.
But
It hurts because I care sometimes a little too much. And all I wanted to do was feel your touch. My friends say well you did it to yourself, but this is the embarrassment that I've felt.  
But didn't we say we had such good luck?
Where's that all go? Why am I here so awfully stuck?
You were a star that I gazed upon but it looks like those days are gone.
The beautiful northern light.
I was in great awe just by your charm, beauty, touch and sight.
You made my life feel easy and my fears vanished like the starry nights we used to share, but now I have to beware.
I guess
The timing wasn't good, but you still told me you liked me which kept my hopes high like the ground we stood.
I finally felt like I was living my life, but something  just ended up not being right.
Dreams fade they say and slowly like the cigarettes we smoke we all die, but this turned out to be a rotten night time sky.
I never thought that we would come to this but here we are, you've left me with a nasty scar.

I imagine.
When I do,
I can only think of you,
How your smile spreads to your eyes,
Making me want to live in the moment forever.
I imagine
That we walk on paths,
Unknown to us,
Filled with fear and excitement,
Winding with happiness that is constant.
I imagine
That we see the dawn,
Bursting with resplendent hues,
And birds soaring in the sky,
Inviting us to hum along.
I imagine
That we break rules,
Do things our own way,
Travel the world,
To leave our traces.
I imagine
A cold summer night,
In your arms,
Watching the stars,
Sitting at the window.
I imagine
The story of us
Has no end
Or beginning,
But continues like the universe.
I imagine
I could fill your heart,
With all my warmth,
So that we know we could be,
Mysterious to this world.
I imagine
And wonder,
What you would imagine,
With a smile extending to my eyes.

I feel like I’m choking on words
Like the thoughts in my head are there, but I can’t let them out
I can’t let them escape
So I grasp onto the little hope that I have left
But I’m growing old and slowly, but surly letting my emotions unfold
They just cave in
I cave in
I feel like I’m drowning
******* take me push me under until I can’t breathe
Swallowing the water making me a little less empty
Hold me down soon I’ll perish I’m fading out
You all wanted honesty?
Honestly  
I’m drowning completely now
I don’t know what to say most of the time
I hold back until I relapse and feel numb inside
There’s so much on my mind, but people don’t want to hear it most of the time
Often they say they care, but truly aren’t there when I’m dying on the inside
All you see or understand is what’s on the outside
You’re all only there when in need or despair    
That’s why I write because at least the sheets hear me when I’m tearing my eyes out over the pages
Ink bleeds, but better that than me
It would be nice for someone to understand me and appreciate what I have to offer and mean to be
Feeling lost and every so lonely
But lately I haven’t even seen the mirrored self image of myself clearly
I’m lost
I’m blanked out
All the colors of life turning into dark storm clouds
Can you see now as rain trickles down
I need you all now before time runs out
I’m getting tired out my eyes mostly closed
I can’t escape the words in my head that clutter about
Screaming
As my pen loses ink
Am I a poet now?

And maybe just maybe at that fleeting moment my heart started to grow

How did I never notice at that moment your words truly reached the bottom of my untamed soul

And now everything flows so smoothly

Looking into the sky’s I could hear birds sing and the winds blowing breeze brushing along against the trees

We watch as the light of the day turns into a beautiful starry night

Constellations scattering along you and I

Deeply lost in your eyes

Laid out on the grass we watch time pass

We tell each other our deepest dreams unwinding us from the seams of the blanket we lay upon

But I believe that time is an overrated thing

Yet I narrate the time that you spend with me  

And then it all ends as time tinkers away

We both go our own separate ways

We grow apart like night into day

Like sunset into sunrise with such dismay

Things were so clear with you, but now it’s gone

I’m sorry even when we tell each other our dreams I can’t keep my eyelids shut

You pick me up, but I let you down

And I’ve caught you running through my head again

Trespassing in my mind

You steal all my thoughts away

You do it all the time now

So shut off the lights and close your eyes
The demons come crawling in
Their creeping deep inside
These shallow thoughts now becoming so vivid during the eerie nights
It’s definitely not alright
Can’t seem to escape them or break the chains they display in your mind
Constantly battling the urge to feel the pain their causing you inside
It’s taking such a toll on one’s daily life  
Missing the bright crystal blue skies in the days we often felt alive
Moods constantly changing like the seasons and in our heads their telling us “trust it’ll be fine”
Can’t seem to shake them in the darkest of times
Can’t seem to break them out of the chains that they live shackling inside
Getting tired and restless it’s becoming so hectic
Don’t sleep well most nights
Should we just slip and let them rip us alive?

-Brian Hoffman (9-13-20)

It’s not you’re fault, but my own
I shouldn’t have let you go
My heart just turned stone cold
It was time unfortunately our love was bound to unfold
Two completely different directions we separated slowly, but surely on our own
Each night I lie awake reminiscing about our past experiences
You were my first true heartache
I’m sorry for I have caused the skies to break upon you
Knowing I wasn’t enough eventually I’d ***** things up
You were my only love sometimes it just eats me up  
I can’t change the past, but I hope I can fix the future
I truly do miss her
Breaking every bit every inch of your beautiful untamed soul
We separated as we watched the world around us grow
You once were my whole
Now I’m stuck here tearing up on my bedside alone
I’ve lost true love once not knowing if I’ll find it again
She was my muse everything I needed more than friend

The dark skies of the night are a canvas on which I paint my dreams and imagine us together.

I want the procedure done right away
Erase her from my thoughts, eradicate each memory
I used to believe that you would save me, but as I'm drifting off to sleep
I know that you'll be gone by morning

We laid out on the ice and I'm just exactly where I want to be, I've never felt that
Your impulse to throw me out has caused both our minds to drown in a sea of dying memories

We trace our footsteps back and put our time here to rest but I can't remember anything without you, so when I wake, there will be nothing left

How could I have suppressed the memory of the day we first met?
Please let me keep this one
I want to call it off, can somebody wake me up? I don't want this anymore

I'm holding on to your love but they won't stop 'til it's dead
You and I both know soon it will be over, so we cherish all that we have left

Clementine, I tried to rip you from my mind
Each pray'r accepted, each wish resigned
How happy is the blameless vestal's lot, the world forgetting by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, each pray'r accepted, each wish resigned

I'll find you when I wake and we'll try again
I'll meet you in Montauk my dear old friend

I found you over the rainbow, In some kind of spectrum glory
Talking colors and how they only matter
When the eyes of the world are closed.
So I kiss you softly as the sun rose, All the yellows, oranges and light.
Hearts some kind of colliding.
Full of spectrum my sunshine.
We fade fast into the daylight.

You slipped me a pill
And hard I fell

The night you thought I'd never remember
But I remember it so well

How could you put one through this kind of hell?

A lovers lust and spell or was it just a pill? One shall tell

I'll try to tell you from the bits I remember from the girl who brought me hell.

It was a cold march night going to a concert of the favorite band we both liked.

Front row one would think this may as well be the best night of my life.

We danced to the songs we sang almost daily. Shedding tears I thought this night would go so smoothly.

But unfortunately for me after it all is when it all crumbled apart. Torn up she broke my small fragile heart.

We decided after the concert to go a party where we'd meet up with friends and share some drinks.

Little did I know the shot she gave me made me blackout and forget what I had heard and seen.

I do remember bits and pieces and those thoughts every now and then taunt me.

Life sometimes is like one crazy dream.

It was a friend of hers I met the same night I believed would've been the best night of my life. But now this dawning fright awakened after the news I heard rattleed me and to this day still keeps me shaken.

I met him my old "lovers" so called friend. To me he wasn't just a guy little did I know they've been having ***.

But not just *** I find out she's been with 3 other men. And then the pill she slipped me in my shot kicked in.

One drink but little memory left.

9:00am. I woke up almost completely naked with little recollection. In my boxers with goosebumps down my back spine and shoulders.

She was nowhere to be seen, but thankfully her roommates were around.

They asked where she was and all I could say is that cheated. That's all I could remember besides having one drink in which she gave me.

So they filled me in on details like the concert and the other men... that's when my head began to spin.

Almost a year spent with this crazy chick. But she was apparently off getting some other guys *****.

It's one thing she cheated, another though that I was drugged by the girl I thought I loved.

So after I sorted things out with her roommates then left the scene. Deleting all our pictures and ****** memories.

I headed home before I ended it all crazy ***** left me 27 missed calls.

I went to the mall and then broke it off. Tough luck for being a ***** over you ungrateful ---t.

Each day I live, the pain consumes
What little sanity I have bloomed
Like walking in a cloud of fog
Falling down, sinking into smog

Life just seems grim
I think on a whim
Interest lost in everything I do
But what a life, who really knew?

Depressed to a fault, that all I see
Death just seems like the only way for me
A waste of time, I feel I am
But that's its nature, a full mind jam

I try and try to ease the pain
A fallen effort with no gain
Thoughts begin to eat away
Makes me want to end it today

Uncomfortable around others for the way I feel
I pray and wish this all wasn't real
Life just seems more like a prison
Caged, alone, an abomination risen

No one could ever understand
Why I would want my death sooner than planned
Its not something I want for me
But to end my suffering this is what has to be

So I write this all as I fall from grace
Down to this place, some barren waste
I know not how much longer I will last
But all I can do, is pray that this will just pass.

You glow like the light of the harvest moon soft golden rays to fill my starry heart your sweet breath teases my naked skin so warm and moist like a southern breeze your scent the perfume of night blooming flowers your taste salty and tangy like the warm sea air your body trembles at my slightest touch a willow tree, shook by the ***** wind your mossy rise is so dewy and inviting, softly, and seductively, it calls out to me... to kneel and taste your secret delights lost in a vortex of your endless desire as the harvest moon looms overhead and bathes our flesh in it's soothing light.

Picking up all the scattered pieces on the floor
It hits so hard this constant burning passion you choose to ignore
Overly tired of feeling like I’m the last resort
Wanting to find paradise, but everything seems all out of sort
Falling for you ever so effortlessly, but my heart doesn’t cross your mind
I feel as if, I surely lost you this time
Though I know that you were never mine
The fact that my absence doesn’t bother you even the slightest makes me wonder if my presence even mattered at all in the first place
As I slowly start to let go of the illusion that things could have been any different my head starts to race
You made me feel like a waste of space