Yesterday I went to pick up my stuff from my ex her house. My mind was all over the place. I picked up my stuff and was gone. On the way home is was crying so hard that my tears ran out. Once I was home I got on my bike, drove to a railroad crossing and waited for the train to come. As I was waiting there to jump in front of the train, I kept thinking about her. And the train past by. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't jump. So I drove home and went to my room. There I sat all day and night. Crying and crying until my second batch of tears ran out. As I sat in my room I started talking with a crisis line for suicide, they were shocked to hear the story of my life. It helped to pass time. They asked me some questions. At the end of the conversation we made a planning for the rest of that night, what I could do to make it trough. And so we did and I survived that night.

Today my head was almost there again, me wanting to die all over. I was in my bed, denying to wake up. And once I did, I went down stairs to have a coffee with my parents. We talked about the usual stuff, well actually they did, I was silent for most of the time. After that I went back up to my room. And started studying with my depressed head. It didn't go that well, because all I could think of was her, as she is the one that I love the most. Then I realized that I forgot some things yesterday and she gave me some that wasn't mine. So I texted her. I said that I had somethings of her and she of mine. After that being said, we started talking about yesterday. About me being all over the place. That i was short sentenced and that i left really fast. And from there on out we started talking. I think all I needed to hear from her, was that she still wanted us to be friends. It made me feel good. it made me a little bit more happy then before. Now I know that I can do it, I can survive.

one song that I find very relatable, it has me every time I lissen to it. I like the cover from Faith Marie more than the original song, so that is why I added that link.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FU5ifmugneM

Although I still miss you. I am happy that I didn't think about you today. It means that I am moving on. That I am able to let you go, even with all the pain it causes.

She came into my room, to talk with me. she noticed that is was being down a lot lately. She wanted to talk with me, but all I could think of, was the avoid the talking with her. because I don't want to talk about it with her. It will only hurt her even more if she knew what was really going on inside of me. How can I tell her, while I know it will tear her apart.

We are not always the person we say we are. We are not always the person we write down. Because what we write down is just one perspective of our lives. We are what we don't say, we are what we say in between the lines