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Jun 20 · 101
Sum total of 0
Kushal Jun 20
There are none.

Zero that can find the rhythm my heart beats to.
Zero that see the pain in my smile.
Zero that know how my head runs.
Zero that bothers to dig past the surface.
Zero that both to ask the question.
Zero that bother to hear the answer.

I wish there were some.
Jun 16 · 295
The Feel of Happiness
Kushal Jun 16
I Hate It.

Somewhere along the line I must have sinned,
What other explanation is there for this situation I'm in.
Imprisoned, in shackles, while one or both above and below cackle.

I am not permitted anything more than a glimpse,
Slivers of light through silver bars
That only remind me how dark is Dark.

I looking longingly towards solitude without temptation,
Yet I cannot separate the two.

Now I have an answer to a question I never before thought to ask...

Limbo is worse than Hell,
For you may still glimpse at the beauty of worlds above.
May 14 · 331
Rooted In Pain
Kushal May 14
Lately I find I only write on pain
Feeling that it is all that is within me,
And nothing I do
Can wrench the feel from my heart.


Rotting...
Rotting...
Rotting...

I fear it has taken root...




I no longer see myself without it.
Apr 22 · 390
Duet
Kushal Apr 22
I'll kiss you between the lines
That say I am yours and you are mine.

Replace their names with ours,
And sing it till our lungs give out.

Our eyes will meet where the lyrics do,
And Bliss will tag along for the ride.
Apr 21 · 268
The Artist
Kushal Apr 21
I wish you could see my heaven and hell.
I dream you could understand it.
Apr 21 · 154
Torture
Kushal Apr 21
Again.

Again.

Again.



Lash me with my hopes and dreams.
Apr 20 · 222
Fuck you
Kushal Apr 20
I am ******* hurt.

I am in ******* pain.

I am trying not to be ******* angry.
I am trying not to feel it all.
I am trying and failing.
I am trying not to detest,
I am trying not forget my soul.

I am always trying to be happy.
I am always failing to be.
I am always teased with light
I am always tricked into darkness.
I am always wishing.

I wish I could be better.
I wish I wasn't scared.
I wish I didn't feel this pain.
I wish this doesn't last the forever it already has.
I wish some day.
I wish I get to be happy.
Jan 9 · 136
You Fall First
Kushal Jan 9
I don't want to fall first again,
Palms always getting sweaty from the thinking in my head.
Never understood the situations that I read,
So I guess I'll hold my tongue instead.

Too tired of a broken heart,
And hitting restart.
Never found love,
But always found myself in it.
This time I'd rather wait.

I'll risk missing it,
If they cant see my heart
Then maybe it isn't meant to be.
I am not willing to participate once more in futility.
Nov 2020 · 110
All I Know Is Regret
Kushal Nov 2020
I hate where I am.
I hate who I am.
I hate that I live this way.

I hate that I breath.
I hate that I love.
I hate that I feel.

I hate all of me.
I hate that no one sees.
I hate that all I have is regret.
I hate that I am not who I am.
I hate this poem.
I hate it all.
Nov 2020 · 206
Lost Heart
Kushal Nov 2020
Bred by the fire,
Yet jumped to early in.
These flames seared skin
Till they felt of sin.

Time took its toll,
Yet the fire still brought fear.
Now frozen from the cold,
The warmth of the flames beckons me near.
Nov 2020 · 122
I Hate Myself
Kushal Nov 2020
I hate myself for the things I do.
All of it torments my mind,
And hindsight is but a curse for my overthinking.

I fill with fear,
To many thoughts in my head,
So many unseen outcomes that spiral through my eternity.

Nothing ever goes the way of happiness,
And content is a feeling I have lost recollection of.
I wish to try again,
For looking at what I am now...
I hate myself.
Nov 2020 · 269
Timing
Kushal Nov 2020
Maybe the timing was wrong,
Or maybe it was perfect
For what's to come.
Oct 2020 · 224
Diary
Kushal Oct 2020
My poetry is my diary.
The trail left by my soul,
The song sung by my heart,
And the places my mind dared to explore.
135 poems in(just on here). I still always come back here when I feel the need to write. I always tell people if they wish to understand me, my poetry is where my soul is shown.

It's amazing that this place exists, and I think many like me have found a haven in it.
Oct 2020 · 366
Thorns
Kushal Oct 2020
The smell of roses,
So sweet a scent.
Yet held in hand,
You insist on pricking my skin.
A poem for those who've been hurt by the ones they held so close to their vulnerabilities.
Oct 2020 · 139
Pain in Pleasure
Kushal Oct 2020
They say there's pleasure in pain,
For me it isn't the same.
I find the pain in the pleasure,
Go too far without a tether.

From a dark place,
To this heavenly space,
Then back again,
Lapping in this hellish race.

I break free but it doesn't last long,
Soon I fall in love,
Try write another song,
But I no longer get surprised when it all goes wrong.
Oct 2020 · 215
Wrapped Hearts
Kushal Oct 2020
There's a box we all have in our chests,
And every time we get hurt,
We put our hearts inside.
And as it happens more,
We wrap it closed,
Tightly...
Till we forget the joy of opening presents.
Never forget that joy.
A reminder to never lose faith in love.
Oct 2020 · 111
Wake, Eat, Sleep, Repeat
Kushal Oct 2020
I don't know what to write,
The title came first and now I'm at a loss for words.
My madness feels constrained,
This house turned from haven to hell
And now I wish only to run.

The days go by but the landmarks are deadlines,
And I feel like some days it's going to be me with the flatline.
I switch it all off,
Say I need some alone time,
But in these lonely times I feel like it's always just mine.


So I wake,
I eat.
Sleep,
Then repeat.
Sometimes it feels like hell with covid around, especially when you have only been allowed out of the house 1 time since march ...
Oct 2020 · 157
Confession
Kushal Oct 2020
Oh tell me god,
Why does this confession feel like sin?
My smiled pulled to the edge of my cheeks,
You can see the grin on my face when she speaks.
But it's more than that, I feel a warmth in my soul, like a piece of me, once lost , is calling out to home.

And I'm excited but I'm filled with fear,
Always retreated when a heart came near,
Pushing away, always thought I was riding it out on the down stream,
But never realising I was on the upstream to my dreams,
Too afraid of what I see not being what it seems,
Falling apart I grab a pillow and scream,
Panic induced and breaking at the seams...
And I'm sorry but that's just me,
Carry my scars not physically but mentally and some times it makes me act detrimentally when clutched by anxiety, I'm sitting back, thinking, " what if everybody lied to me?", but honestly I'm trying to be that somebody better than me...for you.

So now...
I'm here with a confession.
It feels like sin,
But is only good intentions.
Oct 2020 · 162
Daggers to Dust
Kushal Oct 2020
Stab at the heart.
Let it drip till it runs dry,
And no longer can I hold tears in my eye.

Unto dust it all goes,
I pay ode to the pain
I know only I would know,
And yet praise the damning of a blade so foul.
Oct 2020 · 263
I love the way you giggle
Kushal Oct 2020
I'm awestruck in your presence,
So aware of my words,
Trying to craft the perfect sentence.
It works in theory,
But in practice it fails.

I'm too entranced by your laugh,
Warmed by you words,
Infatuated by your tone,
How could I focus when you jest at my heart so.

It's unfamiliar to me,
The thought that someone could care.
Yet you warm me to it,
As if it's my heart you dare.

I feel open for the first time in a while,
With you I feel the 'myself ' I always used to see.

Just...just the way you giggle...
Makes me bite my lip and hold my tongue,
'Cause I'm still too scared to say it feels like love.
Oct 2020 · 127
From deep down
Kushal Oct 2020
I have held in my heart a longing for so long.
Pushed down out of fear,
That someday I would speak
And then you would be gone.

But this spark yearns for fire,
And my heart wishes to beat to the crackle of the flames.
Now I succumb to desire.
Burn against the dying of the light.
Oct 2020 · 168
Fire/Pyre
Kushal Oct 2020
Like a fool you make me a grin,
Engulfed in a warmth I cant imagine being free of sin.

Catch my heart aflame,
Then light your arrows in its fire.
Through my soul a barrage beats down,
My shelter now turned to pyre.

And I, too fearful to fight,
Succumb to it all,
Wishing I could not burn,
Or to feel its warmth alone...
Yet all I've known is the searing.
Jul 2020 · 132
Plague
Kushal Jul 2020
I've never felt such a wave pass through me,
Breaking me down, and building anew,
I heard the whispers between my ears that lead my heart to you.

In days of unknown I wish to find my place at your side,
For only with you have I tried to change for a better life.
Sealed within a vault was where my heart once remained,
Now under your presence, not even these doors help my restraint.

For my heart sees not the need,
To resist your smile,
But fear rears its head,
And tells me to hide.
I am not accustomed to such a plague,
And it tears me in two,
For from love, and fear,
I wish not to lose you.
Jul 2020 · 142
Bliss...
Kushal Jul 2020
This palace is grand.

Roses lined the roads that entered,
And a crisp green carpeted the plains that lay beside.

The marble columns rose to the sky,
Their sharp white sending glimmers into the distance.

Warmth filled the rooms,
As too did the scent of Maplewood crackling within the fireplace.

Mould grew spotilly on the ceiling above,
It complimented the flaking metal of the bedframe.
A hole in the ceiling dribbled water onto the damp pillow.
Drip.Drip.Drip.

This palace is grand.
Apr 2020 · 139
Breadcrumbs
Kushal Apr 2020
Through the glade you'll find a place,
Where the first of a trail is laid.
Run it over mountains to summits atop,
And back down to the canyons below.

Through the forest ammased with the skrawny remains of the trees that once reigned, yet journey on a path of gold.
Over bridges, where blood and bones run below,
And monsters sit in darkness and smoke, waiting till the time their presence may be known.

Follow the trail,
Sets sights not on the bread, but the path ahead.
A Gingerbread house with icing upon it's walls, only a facade, it'll be too late to see before it falls.
Jan 2020 · 145
Suffocate My Soul
Kushal Jan 2020
Find me bliss for this emptiness,
Hollow from the demons that feast from inside.
My cries echo louder,
Yet a vacuum carries no sound.

In the darkness I squirm violently,
Lunging at my own throat...
If only I could still breathe here.

Soon I yearn for release
Rather than rescue.
Free me from it all,
Suffocate my soul.
Jan 2020 · 114
Daffodils
Kushal Jan 2020
Out I stepped,
The grass filling the spaces beneath my toes
As the fresh scents of nature mingled beneath my nose.

The wind blew steady and the flowers swayed in the breeze,
And as I stood beneath the shade of the trees, a lone flower did blow to my feet.

A Daffodil.
It was a little odd though,
As the garden did not show its kind.
Yet here it was, at my feet, and now on my mind.

I glanced around and off to the side, stood a plant on a table,
Embraced beneath the sunlight.

It took me a while, but soon the plant was in the ground.
Daffodils bobbing in the wind,
The flower that only knows 'begin'.
Happy new years.
Oct 2019 · 80
Holding hands
Kushal Oct 2019
Lately I dwell on the idea of holding hands.
An act so simple yet so human in it's nature.
An act of love.

When palms interlock,
Two become one.
We abandon the use of an appendage
For the idea of closeness.

Therein lies our humanity,
Seen in such a simple act.
We are always willing to give for love.
Sep 2019 · 162
Try To Write A Love Song
Kushal Sep 2019
I'm scratching over pages,
The words just won't come out.
I'm running out of patience,
And my fear's paired with my doubt.
I'm losing track of time,
But I still know that it's been too long.

When was the last time, I tried to write a love song?
When was the last time, I tried and it all went wrong?
I'm losing my grip on my heart,
My lonely heart,
It's tearing me apart.

I don't remember how it felt last time,
Just that you felt like mine,
And then it all went wrong.
I guess i waited too long,
Didn't take my chance,
But oh, how I wished to see the stars with you,
And hoped that we could dance.
I could see forever,
But you couldn't see me,
And now I'm out here,
Writing songs while feeling lonely.

So now I try to hold on,
To the glimpse I knew,
I remember all the trauma that followed,
But I was always happy...
With you.
Sep 2019 · 112
The Dark Side
Kushal Sep 2019
I push it back as it rears it's head.
Each moment it tries to consume more and more,
Taking chances as it sees me slipping.

I try, I try so much.
Keeping that voice at the back of my head where it's presence is muffled,
And yet it finds it's way out.
In a moment,
It takes me.

I concede to the beast that looms over my soul,
"Let's be friends."
I want to see the suffering of others,
See them burn in pain and watch with excitement.
I want to hurt people, but not physically.
Give them a thought and watch them tear themselves apart from inside,
Till their minds give in to insanity,
Till nothing but pain remains.

Now get back in the box.
Be silent.
And from the back of my head it gives a devilish smile,
"Not long now. Someday you won't want to put me back."
Sep 2019 · 89
Torture me
Kushal Sep 2019
If there's a god,
I hope you hear me.
I'm accusing you,
Present your testimony.

You torture me,
Cut me then watch me bleed.
And all around,
You're rubbing salt in the wound.
I see what I don't want to,
Everyone else found what I was looking for,
And I'm still left with nothing in my hands.

I don't want to be patient,
They say good things to those who wait,
But I think you're a little bit late.
Oh god,
Why do you torture me?
Sep 2019 · 266
The Day
Kushal Sep 2019
Never could I have guessed the day I'd come to face your smile.
Never could I have guessed you'd run my heart so wild.

I never saw you coming,
Yet I'm so glad you came my way.
Oh what I'd have missed had I missed that day.

Life finds a way to throw a spanner in the works,
Sometimes it breaks your world,
And other times it breaks your view of the world.
I could never have expected the day my days became so much brighter.
Sep 2019 · 152
Peace
Kushal Sep 2019
I rarely get any peace.
There are some moments,
So brief in the grand scheme that they seem like nothing more than a dream.

I struggle to breath,
Always feeling kept beneath the voices in my head as they try to speak.
My head hurts as it weighs so heavy,
And as my balance falters,
I fall.

All I want is to keep that feeling that I know,
To take it everywhere I go.
I know peace,
Yet so rarely have I felt it.
Sep 2019 · 80
Taunted and Teased
Kushal Sep 2019
What is it like?
You who lecture me,
Tell me what it's like.

Tell me again that I don't know love,
Tell me that someday I'll have it.
Tell me it shouldn't hurt this much,
Tell me I'm overreacting.
Tell me that I shouldn't be this sad
Over something I've never had.
Tell me I can't be lonely,
Tell me I have friends and family.

Tell me it all like you know the thoughts in my head,
But not once have I ever said,
"I know love."
No, I know worse.
I know what it's like to fall in love,
Over,
And over,
Yet never once have the chance to keep it.
This is a poem about those that have spent life falling in love without having it reciprocated, while watching morons around them abuse what love they've managed to find.
Aug 2019 · 121
A choice
Kushal Aug 2019
If I choose to be happy,
Will I be?
Will the world morph from darkness to serenity?
Till tranquility becomes my reality?

If I choose to be a cynic,
Will the world still be able to bruise me?
If I lose faith in joy,
And leave it behind,
Will I find peace in the lack of pain?

I’m tired of being hurt.
I no longer know where my faith lies.
I no longer know if I should believe.
Aug 2019 · 931
I'm Fine
Kushal Aug 2019
"Are you okay?"

                           I'm always hurt,
                          Always in pain,
                          Every inch of my being
                          writhing.
                          An­d if you could fathom the
                         chaos in my head,
                         So monsterous that I pray you
                        never come to understand it.

                        Every moment of every day my
                        soul cries,
                       And if you looked into my eyes
                       you'd see it all...
                       Everything I hide behind a smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine."
Aug 2019 · 100
Fragile
Kushal Aug 2019
I'm fragile.

I don't like the worry in your eyes,
So I put on a smile and tell a lie.
I care more for you than I do myself,
So I'll hide my thoughts, and never ask for help.

Most of you never noticed the cracks at the edge of my smile.
Those who did saw only what I consider mild.

But for those who know,
Next time pull me in close.
Hold me in your arms so that it tugs too tight at my heart...
And I can let myself break.

I'm fragile.
Aug 2019 · 387
The Watcher
Kushal Aug 2019
A heart always tempted,
Forever that which loves.
Unconditionally,
Broken hearts lay in the wake.

Insecurity breeds fear,
When nothing has ever proved to be
What you wish it to be.

The world revolves,
So too do its people.
Till one day,
Two hearts meet,
Two hearts beat.
And now all around me they stand,
As I stare down at my feet,
Waiting for someone to walk my way.
Aug 2019 · 251
Gentle Hearts
Kushal Aug 2019
The world is not a safe place,
It warrants a heart of stone,
Yet there remains the gentle hearted.

Too foolish in their faith,
Letting their hearts bleed for others.
They posess a love so rare to find,
That most will never notice their strength.

We are those too foolish to give up on people,
Too foolish to lose faith in love,
Too caring to be selfish,
Too hurt, to hurt.
Aug 2019 · 114
A chance
Kushal Aug 2019
Why don't I get a chance?
The lonely lost lover looking for a bit of romance.
The poet, the writer, for love I am a fighter,
I keep up my hopes,
But the fire isn't brighter.
It dwindles,
Now I'm sinking so low,
Been alone for so long,
I don't even know where I'm supposed to go.
And how am i supposed to know,
If all I've seen is tv shows,
And none of it has lead me down the right way.
" You're a great guy," they say,
Then why am I alone as these ******* walk away
With a girl that they don't deserve,
While I'm out here proving my worth.

It's been 20 years.
Never had a girlfriend.
Never found love.
Just fell in love.
Had my heart broken.
So many times I lost count.
My friends cheer me on.
I don't need false hope.

I see all my friends with a smile on their faces,
They found someone but I still don't know where my place is.
Aug 2019 · 108
Wall in The Wind
Kushal Aug 2019
Standing steady as the wind blows,
Holding back the storm,
Keeping the calm.

Unnoticed as it goes,
Fading away as the world beats upon its back,
Sheltering those unaware of its kindness.

The wall in the wind,
That slowly withers away.
Aug 2019 · 115
Tears of a lover
Kushal Aug 2019
Droplets fall to the floor.
Tears that have her shaken to the core.
The pain behind
Lies within her mind,
In thoughts of doubt and fear,
That here,
Is not a safe place to be.

Risk it all,
But it comes with so much pain.
Golden hearts show shimmering smiles,
But not even diamond could buy her happy ending.
Aug 2019 · 101
The burn
Kushal Aug 2019
Feel it in your bones.
It's less like a rage
And more like that point where you're at a stage
And ready to turn the page
To the next chapter,
Take it all with a bit of laughter.
Pain comes and goes,
And that's how you know the progress matters.
Take the highs from the lows,
Don't sink too low and get too high,
Because you get nowhere with the latter.
So when you hear the pitter patter of the water over your head,
You never sink too far,
Rather be outside than in your bed.
It's all about 1 word,
"Instead"
What if I did this , instead?
Then take that question and leave it as said,
Do it all so you never dread the times you missed out,
Because there can't be any.
Ask me where my joy comes from,
I can't tell you cause there's too many .

Sit down.
Look in the mirror for moment.
Your life is not a tragedy,
Take a moment to realise,
You're the only one who can be your enemy.
Aug 2019 · 110
Peaceful Sleep
Kushal Aug 2019
I had a dream last night,
Didn't want to sleep through it.
Wanted to wake up,
Hit me hard and I had enough.
Why do the bad ones stay etched in your memory,
It's like the bad thoughts surface saying, "Remember me?"

Leave me alone,
Give me some peace.
I want my head on the pillow
And getting some sleep.
All of these thoughts are so deep,
But I don't want to deal with this pressure,
So let me be and I'll find my pleasure.
Aug 2019 · 225
Dreaming of Love
Kushal Aug 2019
I can't begin to understand,
What it's like to walk at your side,
Hand in hand.

It's always been a dream,
Yet so far it seems.
And sometimes I tear
And fall apart at the seams.

It takes a moment,
To make or break a heart.
Just a word from your lips,
And love starts,
Or falls apart.

I wish you could hear my heart,
And wish yours would beat the same,
Because at night I stare at the ceiling,
And I just think of your name.
Aug 2019 · 71
Hopefully lost
Kushal Aug 2019
I guess I fall in love,
Take it too slow.
I'm waiting on you,
So I'm sure that you're sure.

Because I can't risk knocking on that door,
If we can't be friends anymore.
Yeah it's a struggle,
I really want love.
But I don't want to be the guy whose loses too much.
Then you'll say, "we're just friends" and such.
And there goes the rush.
Now I'm hitting that clutch.
And leaning into a spiral,
This heartbreak can make me so wild.
And over and over I do this again,
But my faith doesn't run out,
I don't think it ever ends.

And that feels like a blessing and a curse,
Been trying so long that I'm losing my worth.
I don't even know if it's worth it,
I just have hope and sometimes that's perfect.
Aug 2019 · 201
Seeing pain
Kushal Aug 2019
The eyes dont lie.
Try as you may,
Your eyes will show the words
That your mouth struggles to say.

The eyes don't lie,
So when i see your smile i see the truth.
Sometimes i wish i was blind.
Jul 2019 · 101
Okay
Kushal Jul 2019
If they knew,
If they could so how much I'm twisted.
They took too many looks,
But I guessed they must have missed it.

Tearing myself down,
I don't know what now.
Now my heart is aching,
My lungs are paining,
Guess this is how it feels to drown.

I put on a smile,
And leave it in place.
Take my heart and throw it away,
Keep all of my emotions at bay.

So if there's one thing you should know,
When you ask if I'm okay,
I'll say yes,
but I mean,
No.
Jul 2019 · 143
Untitled
Kushal Jul 2019
What's in a name?
Oh I can tell you that it holds some heartbreak.
When you here that name that's not yours,
And then your heart aches.
Shakes me to the core,
I don't want to be here anymore.
I just can't bare these tears,
Maybe if you could see my heart
Then you would understand my fears.


So please don't disrupt me,
I'm thinking and losing my mind at the same time.
I'm trying to piece together, the pieces that broke, my heart is intertwined, with all these thorns stuck at the side
Of a heart still beating,
So I hurt whenever i feel the high.

I don't know what to do this time,
Just know my heart is not just mine,
For I would not poison myself with a potion so potent it makes me die.
But i do whisper truths to those at my side,
Little did I know that when the sun goes out they run and hide.

Please don't leave me to my own devices,
I fall fast and I spiral,
Till I lose track of what life is.
I need someone to watch my face and I hope that they know,
Sometimes you'll see me cry, with not a tear in sight.
Jul 2019 · 81
Hold me
Kushal Jul 2019
Hold me in your arms,
Love me like I've never known.
Take all the static in my head,
And clear it to a picture
Where I'm not on my own.

Take with you my heart,
I don't trust it under my care.
For beneath my head of hair,
Is a mind too fearful to dare.

Hold me on cold nights,
When I'm too scared to admit,
Hold me on dark days,
When I'm blinded by shadows.
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