Oh tell me god,
Why does this confession feel like sin?
My smiled pulled to the edge of my cheeks,
You can see the grin on my face when she speaks.
But it's more than that, I feel a warmth in my soul, like a piece of me, once lost , is calling out to home.

And I'm excited but I'm filled with fear,
Always retreated when a heart came near,
Pushing away, always thought I was riding it out on the down stream,
But never realising I was on the upstream to my dreams,
Too afraid of what I see not being what it seems,
Falling apart I grab a pillow and scream,
Panic induced and breaking at the seams...
And I'm sorry but that's just me,
Carry my scars not physically but mentally and some times it makes me act detrimentally when clutched by anxiety, I'm sitting back, thinking, " what if everybody lied to me?", but honestly I'm trying to be that somebody better than me...for you.

So now...
I'm here with a confession.
It feels like sin,
But is only good intentions.

I'm awestruck in your presence,
So aware of my words,
Trying to craft the perfect sentence.
It works in theory,
But in practice it fails.

I'm too entranced by your laugh,
Warmed by you words,
Infatuated by your tone,
How could I focus when you jest at my heart so.

It's unfamiliar to me,
The thought that someone could care.
Yet you warm me to it,
As if it's my heart you dare.

I feel open for the first time in a while,
With you I feel the 'myself ' I always used to see.

Just...just the way you giggle...
Makes me bite my lip and hold my tongue,
'Cause I'm still too scared to say it feels like love.

I have held in my heart a longing for so long.
Pushed down out of fear,
That someday I would speak
And then you would be gone.

But this spark yearns for fire,
And my heart wishes to beat to the crackle of the flames.
Now I succumb to desire.
Burn against the dying of the light.

Like a fool you make me a grin,
Engulfed in a warmth I cant imagine being free of sin.

Catch my heart aflame,
Then light your arrows in its fire.
Through my soul a barrage beats down,
My shelter now turned to pyre.

And I, too fearful to fight,
Succumb to it all,
Wishing I could not burn,
Or to feel its warmth alone...
Yet all I've known is the searing.

I've never felt such a wave pass through me,
Breaking me down, and building anew,
I heard the whispers between my ears that lead my heart to you.

In days of unknown I wish to find my place at your side,
For only with you have I tried to change for a better life.
Sealed within a vault was where my heart once remained,
Now under your presence, not even these doors help my restraint.

For my heart sees not the need,
To resist your smile,
But fear rears its head,
And tells me to hide.
I am not accustomed to such a plague,
And it tears me in two,
For from love, and fear,
I wish not to lose you.

This palace is grand.

Roses lined the roads that entered,
And a crisp green carpeted the plains that lay beside.

The marble columns rose to the sky,
Their sharp white sending glimmers into the distance.

Warmth filled the rooms,
As too did the scent of Maplewood crackling within the fireplace.

Mould grew spotilly on the ceiling above,
It complimented the flaking metal of the bedframe.
A hole in the ceiling dribbled water onto the damp pillow.
Drip.Drip.Drip.

This palace is grand.

Through the glade you'll find a place,
Where the first of a trail is laid.
Run it over mountains to summits atop,
And back down to the canyons below.

Through the forest ammased with the skrawny remains of the trees that once reigned, yet journey on a path of gold.
Over bridges, where blood and bones run below,
And monsters sit in darkness and smoke, waiting till the time their presence may be known.

Follow the trail,
Sets sights not on the bread, but the path ahead.
A Gingerbread house with icing upon it's walls, only a facade, it'll be too late to see before it falls.

Find me bliss for this emptiness,
Hollow from the demons that feast from inside.
My cries echo louder,
Yet a vacuum carries no sound.

In the darkness I squirm violently,
Lunging at my own throat...
If only I could still breathe here.

Soon I yearn for release
Rather than rescue.
Free me from it all,
Suffocate my soul.

Out I stepped,
The grass filling the spaces beneath my toes
As the fresh scents of nature mingled beneath my nose.

The wind blew steady and the flowers swayed in the breeze,
And as I stood beneath the shade of the trees, a lone flower did blow to my feet.

A Daffodil.
It was a little odd though,
As the garden did not show its kind.
Yet here it was, at my feet, and now on my mind.

I glanced around and off to the side, stood a plant on a table,
Embraced beneath the sunlight.

It took me a while, but soon the plant was in the ground.
Daffodils bobbing in the wind,
The flower that only knows 'begin'.

Lately I dwell on the idea of holding hands.
An act so simple yet so human in it's nature.
An act of love.

When palms interlock,
Two become one.
We abandon the use of an appendage
For the idea of closeness.

Therein lies our humanity,
Seen in such a simple act.
We are always willing to give for love.

I'm scratching over pages,
The words just won't come out.
I'm running out of patience,
And my fear's paired with my doubt.
I'm losing track of time,
But I still know that it's been too long.

When was the last time, I tried to write a love song?
When was the last time, I tried and it all went wrong?
I'm losing my grip on my heart,
My lonely heart,
It's tearing me apart.

I don't remember how it felt last time,
Just that you felt like mine,
And then it all went wrong.
I guess i waited too long,
Didn't take my chance,
But oh, how I wished to see the stars with you,
And hoped that we could dance.
I could see forever,
But you couldn't see me,
And now I'm out here,
Writing songs while feeling lonely.

So now I try to hold on,
To the glimpse I knew,
I remember all the trauma that followed,
But I was always happy...
With you.

I push it back as it rears it's head.
Each moment it tries to consume more and more,
Taking chances as it sees me slipping.

I try, I try so much.
Keeping that voice at the back of my head where it's presence is muffled,
And yet it finds it's way out.
In a moment,
It takes me.

I concede to the beast that looms over my soul,
"Let's be friends."
I want to see the suffering of others,
See them burn in pain and watch with excitement.
I want to hurt people, but not physically.
Give them a thought and watch them tear themselves apart from inside,
Till their minds give in to insanity,
Till nothing but pain remains.

Now get back in the box.
Be silent.
And from the back of my head it gives a devilish smile,
"Not long now. Someday you won't want to put me back."

If there's a god,
I hope you hear me.
I'm accusing you,
Present your testimony.

You torture me,
Cut me then watch me bleed.
And all around,
You're rubbing salt in the wound.
I see what I don't want to,
Everyone else found what I was looking for,
And I'm still left with nothing in my hands.

I don't want to be patient,
They say good things to those who wait,
But I think you're a little bit late.
Oh god,
Why do you torture me?

Never could I have guessed the day I'd come to face your smile.
Never could I have guessed you'd run my heart so wild.

I never saw you coming,
Yet I'm so glad you came my way.
Oh what I'd have missed had I missed that day.

Life finds a way to throw a spanner in the works,
Sometimes it breaks your world,
And other times it breaks your view of the world.
I could never have expected the day my days became so much brighter.

I rarely get any peace.
There are some moments,
So brief in the grand scheme that they seem like nothing more than a dream.

I struggle to breath,
Always feeling kept beneath the voices in my head as they try to speak.
My head hurts as it weighs so heavy,
And as my balance falters,
I fall.

All I want is to keep that feeling that I know,
To take it everywhere I go.
I know peace,
Yet so rarely have I felt it.

What is it like?
You who lecture me,
Tell me what it's like.

Tell me again that I don't know love,
Tell me that someday I'll have it.
Tell me it shouldn't hurt this much,
Tell me I'm overreacting.
Tell me that I shouldn't be this sad
Over something I've never had.
Tell me I can't be lonely,
Tell me I have friends and family.

Tell me it all like you know the thoughts in my head,
But not once have I ever said,
"I know love."
No, I know worse.
I know what it's like to fall in love,
Over,
And over,
Yet never once have the chance to keep it.

If I choose to be happy,
Will I be?
Will the world morph from darkness to serenity?
Till tranquility becomes my reality?

If I choose to be a cynic,
Will the world still be able to bruise me?
If I lose faith in joy,
And leave it behind,
Will I find peace in the lack of pain?

I’m tired of being hurt.
I no longer know where my faith lies.
I no longer know if I should believe.

"Are you okay?"

                           I'm always hurt,
                          Always in pain,
                          Every inch of my being
                          writhing.
                          An­d if you could fathom the
                         chaos in my head,
                         So monsterous that I pray you
                        never come to understand it.

                        Every moment of every day my
                        soul cries,
                       And if you looked into my eyes
                       you'd see it all...
                       Everything I hide behind a smile.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

I'm fragile.

I don't like the worry in your eyes,
So I put on a smile and tell a lie.
I care more for you than I do myself,
So I'll hide my thoughts, and never ask for help.

Most of you never noticed the cracks at the edge of my smile.
Those who did saw only what I consider mild.

But for those who know,
Next time pull me in close.
Hold me in your arms so that it tugs too tight at my heart...
And I can let myself break.

I'm fragile.

A heart always tempted,
Forever that which loves.
Unconditionally,
Broken hearts lay in the wake.

Insecurity breeds fear,
When nothing has ever proved to be
What you wish it to be.

The world revolves,
So too do its people.
Till one day,
Two hearts meet,
Two hearts beat.
And now all around me they stand,
As I stare down at my feet,
Waiting for someone to walk my way.

The world is not a safe place,
It warrants a heart of stone,
Yet there remains the gentle hearted.

Too foolish in their faith,
Letting their hearts bleed for others.
They posess a love so rare to find,
That most will never notice their strength.

We are those too foolish to give up on people,
Too foolish to lose faith in love,
Too caring to be selfish,
Too hurt, to hurt.

Why don't I get a chance?
The lonely lost lover looking for a bit of romance.
The poet, the writer, for love I am a fighter,
I keep up my hopes,
But the fire isn't brighter.
It dwindles,
Now I'm sinking so low,
Been alone for so long,
I don't even know where I'm supposed to go.
And how am i supposed to know,
If all I've seen is tv shows,
And none of it has lead me down the right way.
" You're a great guy," they say,
Then why am I alone as these ******* walk away
With a girl that they don't deserve,
While I'm out here proving my worth.

It's been 20 years.
Never had a girlfriend.
Never found love.
Just fell in love.
Had my heart broken.
So many times I lost count.
My friends cheer me on.
I don't need false hope.

I see all my friends with a smile on their faces,
They found someone but I still don't know where my place is.

Standing steady as the wind blows,
Holding back the storm,
Keeping the calm.

Unnoticed as it goes,
Fading away as the world beats upon its back,
Sheltering those unaware of its kindness.

The wall in the wind,
That slowly withers away.

Feel it in your bones.
It's less like a rage
And more like that point where you're at a stage
And ready to turn the page
To the next chapter,
Take it all with a bit of laughter.
Pain comes and goes,
And that's how you know the progress matters.
Take the highs from the lows,
Don't sink too low and get too high,
Because you get nowhere with the latter.
So when you hear the pitter patter of the water over your head,
You never sink too far,
Rather be outside than in your bed.
It's all about 1 word,
"Instead"
What if I did this , instead?
Then take that question and leave it as said,
Do it all so you never dread the times you missed out,
Because there can't be any.
Ask me where my joy comes from,
I can't tell you cause there's too many .

Sit down.
Look in the mirror for moment.
Your life is not a tragedy,
Take a moment to realise,
You're the only one who can be your enemy.

I had a dream last night,
Didn't want to sleep through it.
Wanted to wake up,
Hit me hard and I had enough.
Why do the bad ones stay etched in your memory,
It's like the bad thoughts surface saying, "Remember me?"

Leave me alone,
Give me some peace.
I want my head on the pillow
And getting some sleep.
All of these thoughts are so deep,
But I don't want to deal with this pressure,
So let me be and I'll find my pleasure.

I can't begin to understand,
What it's like to walk at your side,
Hand in hand.

It's always been a dream,
Yet so far it seems.
And sometimes I tear
And fall apart at the seams.

It takes a moment,
To make or break a heart.
Just a word from your lips,
And love starts,
Or falls apart.

I wish you could hear my heart,
And wish yours would beat the same,
Because at night I stare at the ceiling,
And I just think of your name.

I guess I fall in love,
Take it too slow.
I'm waiting on you,
So I'm sure that you're sure.

Because I can't risk knocking on that door,
If we can't be friends anymore.
Yeah it's a struggle,
I really want love.
But I don't want to be the guy whose loses too much.
Then you'll say, "we're just friends" and such.
And there goes the rush.
Now I'm hitting that clutch.
And leaning into a spiral,
This heartbreak can make me so wild.
And over and over I do this again,
But my faith doesn't run out,
I don't think it ever ends.

And that feels like a blessing and a curse,
Been trying so long that I'm losing my worth.
I don't even know if it's worth it,
I just have hope and sometimes that's perfect.

The eyes dont lie.
Try as you may,
Your eyes will show the words
That your mouth struggles to say.

The eyes don't lie,
So when i see your smile i see the truth.
Sometimes i wish i was blind.

If they knew,
If they could so how much I'm twisted.
They took too many looks,
But I guessed they must have missed it.

Tearing myself down,
I don't know what now.
Now my heart is aching,
My lungs are paining,
Guess this is how it feels to drown.

I put on a smile,
And leave it in place.
Take my heart and throw it away,
Keep all of my emotions at bay.

So if there's one thing you should know,
When you ask if I'm okay,
I'll say yes,
but I mean,
No.

What's in a name?
Oh I can tell you that it holds some heartbreak.
When you here that name that's not yours,
And then your heart aches.
Shakes me to the core,
I don't want to be here anymore.
I just can't bare these tears,
Maybe if you could see my heart
Then you would understand my fears.


So please don't disrupt me,
I'm thinking and losing my mind at the same time.
I'm trying to piece together, the pieces that broke, my heart is intertwined, with all these thorns stuck at the side
Of a heart still beating,
So I hurt whenever i feel the high.

I don't know what to do this time,
Just know my heart is not just mine,
For I would not poison myself with a potion so potent it makes me die.
But i do whisper truths to those at my side,
Little did I know that when the sun goes out they run and hide.

Please don't leave me to my own devices,
I fall fast and I spiral,
Till I lose track of what life is.
I need someone to watch my face and I hope that they know,
Sometimes you'll see me cry, with not a tear in sight.

Hold me in your arms,
Love me like I've never known.
Take all the static in my head,
And clear it to a picture
Where I'm not on my own.

Take with you my heart,
I don't trust it under my care.
For beneath my head of hair,
Is a mind too fearful to dare.

Hold me on cold nights,
When I'm too scared to admit,
Hold me on dark days,
When I'm blinded by shadows.

I don't know what to think anymore...

How do you hold on to the faith,
When faith has done nothing but laugh in your face?
Tell me if faith knows my pain,
If heart to heart isn't something on my lane.

So many times I fall and recover,
But over and over it's taking it's toll,
And sometimes I feel like I can't keep my hold.

My mind is a mess,
The overthinking and the stress
It's all got me depressed
Then you throw in my heart, now I'm face down in my bed.
I wish someone noticed the tears that I shed...

He can hear the voices so much clearer now.
They have him at the edge.
Starring down the barrel of a loaded gun,
At the tip of the blade,
With nowhere to run.

He's drowned it all in smoke,
But the same words still can't leave his throat.
So now he stands beneath the rope.

"Help me."
His demon's have reasoned for far too long,
Now before you stands a man
With his heart long gone.

Nothing could ever make me love you less,
Yet somehow everything you do makes me love you more.

I love you
With every strand and fibre of my being,
Every ounce of blood in my veins.
My happiness and pain,
Yet for you I'd suffer the strain
If I could bring your heart to my domain.

Oh the flowers blossom and bloom,
Yet my eyes don't wander from you in this room.
You with a smile so tender and true,
That it hooks my heart,
And forever I'll fall for you.

I love you...
But I cannot pull those words from my throat.
I love you, so much...
But the voice in my head says, "don't."

Take me in motherly arms and rock my soul to sleep.
If I keep going through everyday this way,
I'm not gonna keep.

I'm stumbling, fumbling, hurting because you're just out of reach.
So I drown my sorrows in smoke,
Till I dont have to breath.

Give me a hand like your own,
A hand to take hold,
Make me feel like I'm not alone.
If i could give you my all,
For second,
Just know that i would.
If i could say everything,
Then everything,
Is what I'd tell you that you mean to me.
If you could see how I love you
 then maybe
I wouldn't be lonely.

I learned that this is not the place where you find yourself,
But the place that makes you realize you are lost.

Hurts too much to be hurt,
So I'll just be on my own.
Sorry mom,
Couldn't find a girl to bring home.

I wish I wasn't this scared,
Feeling like Fear has a blade to my throat.
Telling me I'll be hurt,
If I try to let it go.

Cold mornings no longer take me by surprise,
I don't wake expecting the brown in your eyes.
Coffee on my own,
No longer makes me feel alone.
They say it's better to have loved and lost,
I say it's safer when you're on your own.

There's a demon in my head,
I tell it the truth,
And listen to the lies it's said.
It says, that I can just drown in smoke.
It tells me, it'll help pull the words from my throat.

Now I'm drowning,
I've been left in this place.
I'm choking,
Sorrows leave me in this state.

I'd rather not see you in mourning,
So I say I'll get help in the morning,
But I know i won't.

I listen to my demons,
They numb my throat when I scream.
I listen to my demons,
They make sure I don't dream.
When I fall asleep sober,
All I see are nightmares,
And I wish it could over.

I'm struggling, trying to catch my breath.
Fill my lungs with smoke, but the burdens aren't lifted yet.
I still see the world, but it's all in grey,
Won't someone take me away.

What even is this?

Why do we hold it to such a standard?
Raised atop a pedestal,
A goal that not all are lucky enough to reach,
A prize that not all are able to claim.

Why must some spend life running around in search,
Chasing a concept yet baring no knowledge of its meaning?
Why do we search for this feeling that we have never known,
As if it were something last lost now found.

Somehow, I guess we just know.
Instinctively, we know.
Happiness lies at the end of a 4 letter word.

But love is stupid,
And I'm stupidly in love with you.

I don't think I can do it anymore...
Falling in love is a pain and a pleasure,
So many moments I treasure,
And then that one...
That shakes me to my core.

I don't know any better than a "no"...
I've lived my whole life at the end of that word.
All it ever took was 2 letters to break me apart,
2 letters to break my heart.

I don't know if I believe anymore...
In myself, in fate...
In love.

All I have is fear.
And all it does  is tell me
That it's easier to be alone
Than it is to reach for love,
And find the same 2 letter word.

"Folie à deux,"
I'll take it to mean,
"The madness of two."

With you I'll be crazy,
You make me let go of the fear.
I know we're not normal,
If only they could fathom the happiness of the insane.

I cherish every moment.
Every smile, every joke,
Every dumb tale or story we've ever told.
I'll let go of my mind,
But onto those moments I'll keep my hold,
And I promise I will never let go.

I don't want to miss a moment of insanity with you.
So I'll give you my heart,
And then we'll have two,
And till the end of our days we'll have
Folie à deux.

I'll tell you why i like being at home.

It's the silence.
Not a sound can be heard.
No footsteps in the hallway,
Or cars driving by.

It's the darkness.
The curtains are just  thicker and darker,
And light ceases to pass through.
Not even light slips beneath the door.

It's the bliss.
When I look up as I lay in bed,
All I see is the darkness.
And in the darkness can be whatever I want it to be.
I dream while awake...
Because when I close my eyes all I see are nightmares.

You were as simple a man as you needed to be.
You'd sit us by the bedside,
And read us a story.

I remember the way you joked,
Even about your darkening heart.
You never wasted a day,
Not till the day of your depart.

I knew how you wanted to go,
Peacefully with the breeze
That carried along your soul.
I knew that you never wanted us to cry,
The jolly old man,
That would never want to bring a tear to an eye.

You were a king in your own right,
The humble man on a throne.
True kings aren't buried in coffins of gold,
Their buried in our hearts,minds... and souls.

Sometimes I want to start a war.
Burn to the ground all that lays on this plain,
Till nothing but ashes lies in my wake.

Is it wrong that I relate more to the Villian than the Hero?
That when I think of power,
I think of control?

Is it not scary...
That when the rage subsides,
I'd still stand by these dark thoughts?
I want to burn it all to the ground,
Myself included.
Then maybe it all can begin anew,
And none to come will share these thoughts.

I used to fall in love.
I'd feel every fibre of my being ignited,
Every atom in my body excited,
And in the majesty of happiness I felt purpose.

When I would write,
I wrote.
I felt the words fountain from the tip of my pen,
Like each piece knew what it was meant to be.

Everything made sense on a page.
And I always smiled,
Proud of what I displayed.

I wish I could write on that passion once more...