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May 12 · 375
Morning Radio
Kushal May 12
Turn on the sounds that wash over my mind,
The sun slips through the windowpanes and past the blinds.
A happy tune on a sunny gloom,
Rise and shine on a catchy line.

Hooked, line and still sinking,
A morning filled with empty thinking.
Tea’s gone cold, barely taste the food anymore,
Everything blurred by the rush of anxiety
Too many things, too many questions, too-- too -- t—

---

Turn the music up.  
That's better.
Apr 10 · 572
The Devil of Me
Kushal Apr 10
An angel on my shoulder,
But my demons dug in deeper.
It whispers in my ear.
Like a nightmare in my sleep, yeah.

Sometimes I close my eyes and think that I'm a freak,
Every single moment just fumbling on the beat.
It makes me look at myself and think.
"Weak"
Feeling like the ground is stuck to my knees.
Already counted down from three,
Took a deep but the world's still here,
Took a deep breath, but I'm still drowning in my fears.

But I'm
Still trying, still fighting
The devil of me.
Lash out, but I'm the only one in front of me.
It's cold, it's hot, it's hell, it's not,
And I don't know what to believe.

Just
...
My own worst enemy.
Apr 7 · 658
Medicated
Kushal Apr 7
I've been on the drugs,
Broken arms with the medicine,
Thrown in a hole I never dug,
They say the white walls are for my betterment.

They say it's for the pain,
Say it's for your head.
It must be on the outside,
Inside I feel dead.

Somebody pressed mute on the radio,
Now my volume dial's broke on the stereo.
Nobody hears me scream,
That I wish I could let go.
I wish I could grab ahold.

Looking in the mirror but I don't see me,
Just confusion and some emptiness,
Shakespearean with no remedy.
Woe is me, oh where is me?
I feel like I used to be a better me.

Now my volume dial's broke on the stereo.
Nobody hears me scream,
I wish I could let go.
I wish I could grab ahold

Another one down,
Another one drank.
Another time you tell me I'm fine.
Another time I wish I was.

I guess I'm not dead...
Nov 2023 · 1.1k
A New Song
Kushal Nov 2023
Love it when I'm singing this song,
But if I'm really honest
I don't think it'll last long.

I sound crazy, even when I hear myself think,
Clinging onto the past like I'm hanging of the brink--
I'm lost, and I think I found a new me.
Now torn between my past and a new faced reality.

Slowly come to know myself,
I show myself,
The things I really want from myself.
I think I know how I can help,
Myself.

Now with a new beat.
Life came and challenged me
To be a better me,
Stepping to a different melody,
A path that feels like destiny.
If I don't trip over my feet,
Clinging to a memory.
Oct 2023 · 673
Hollow
Kushal Oct 2023
Something is amiss.
Fingers follow down the pages, but nothing reads right.

Wail and pain, silenced by familiarity.
Where is the line that was crossed over?

What hidden laws have been broke?
Those that impose a silent suffrage,
Ceasing manifestations of life.

Who dares curse a tree not to bare its leaves,
A bird to be without wings,
And a heart to be hollow?
Oct 2023 · 1.6k
Pestering Dreams
Kushal Oct 2023
Dreams aren't real, right?
They're just figments of a rampant mind
Anxiously piecing together the world that surrounds, right?

Why do I see you at morning noon and night,
Disrupting the schedules of trains in my mind,
You bring forth questions to a heart yet undefined.

I miss you.
That much I know.
At least...
That much
I can admit.
Oct 2023 · 1.2k
What of love?
Kushal Oct 2023
I've been thinking about what love is...
And I've not a clue.

A home, safe from the tides that bash against shores?
Where one may rest a heavy head, without a need for alertness?

Or is it a challenge, one fought with an eager grin?
A back and forth where blades are forged sharper than before?

What of a mix? The two intertwined?
What or why? Oh, what and why?
When a tug beckons the heart
What does it mean?
I've not a clue.
Old timey phrasings feel more poetic and dramatic in my head, like an elegant performance set forth upon a stage, where chandeliers light a performance un-needing of further brightness.
Sep 2023 · 689
Riptide
Kushal Sep 2023
Words fumble from my mouth.
I don’t know what I’m saying.
Just run on sentences for this role that I’m playing.

Lost and without a trace.
I seem to be stuck in the same place,
Running at a faster pace,
As the faltering smile fades from my face.

Where’s my heart?
It feels lost to the panic of the mind.
Slowly but surely, the sands fall,
And I begin to unwind.
Unsure of the direction inside,
And lost among the spiral that precedes the ******...
I wonder if I could pull myself from this riptide.
Sep 2023 · 1.1k
Home
Kushal Sep 2023
A tree stands tall in a field of gold.
Porcelain petals drift along the warm winds
And land among the fertile soil below.

Life anew begins.

Some fall too far adrift.
The ground unfamiliar.
The winds without the warmth once felt.

Bloom as you will...
Home still feels so far away.
Aug 2023 · 1.4k
Heart of Strings
Kushal Aug 2023
Every thread, pulled from my core.

I dare not stop eager hands
Who find themselves in need of cloth.

Woven for all,
The un-woven man stands...

Losing all he has.
Before we give our love to others, we must first learn to love ourselves.
Aug 2023 · 2.1k
The Girl in My Dreams
Kushal Aug 2023
The drums beat a familiar melody,
And everything sways in rhythm.

It's as if I've been here before,
Cradled by the warmth of a thousand stars.
The flowers are always in bloom,
And even at sunset, the stars sparkle bright.

The hand that holds my heart...
I hope you don't go far,
For you've stolen my everything with that smile of yours.
Aug 2023 · 1.3k
Blind
Kushal Aug 2023
The lights have run their wick.
The hands of the clock turn
Yet they weigh no bearing.
Eternity could pass in the darkness.

Where have I gone...
That there is naught to guide me?

Far from home...
I dream of meals surrounded by warmth.
Jul 2023 · 1.6k
Childhood...
Kushal Jul 2023
I think back on my childhood.
Times that we're still good,
Before they switched it up,
Like, "Now it's time for adulthood."

Spent 18 years behind a desk,
Told to play at break,
Now life feels unrelated, and it feels like a **** waste.

It isn't useless, it just isn't right.
Train me to throw fists,
Then toss me into a knife fight.

What'd you prepare me for?
I still struggle with my taxes,
I got a degree, but it feels like I'm still stuck with all the masses.

After all these years,
It feels like I was taught wrong,
Guided down a path that my heart and soul didn't sit right on.

And every now and then
I start to fight back,
But no one likes it when you start to vary off the track.
They pushback
Like, "No, not that".
But I am not you.
So, **** that!
And I struggle but you can't see it though.
Always talk about me like I'm a lazy bloke,
Say I'm part of the lazy folk,
But your path to happiness,
Is my ******* hell road.

I think back on my childhood.
Times that we're still good...

At least, that's how it felt back then...
Jul 2023 · 2.8k
Swim
Kushal Jul 2023
For the longest time it's felt like I'm drowning.
I've kept swimming.

This isn't where I'd like to take my last breath.

It angers me that I struggle to fight the waves.
And sometimes, all feels lost.
Yet...
Whether through ego, anger, denial, or the instinct to survive,
I cannot accept an end like this.
My lungs are not yet out of breath.
Jul 2023 · 1.3k
Throne of Lies
Kushal Jul 2023
This kingdom of mine is cast in shadow,
Ruined by the sight of a light that once was.

The jester rambles on with has tales.
None bring smiles,
Not even to himself.

The king sends his men to war.
Battles fought with little purpose in victory.

The people suffer.
Lost and without guidance,
They lack even the will to fight.

This kingdom of mine is cast in shadow,
Ruined by the sight of a light that once was.

I wish I knew how to rule.
Jul 2023 · 1.4k
Where is me?
Kushal Jul 2023
Woe is me.
Oh, where is me?
Out of sight and gone with the breeze.

Woe is me.
Oh, where is me?
Danced on off into distance,
Your wonder has taken you far from home.

Woe is me.
Oh, where is me?
How far come,
How far gone.

Home...
Now a mirage under desert sun.
Woe is me.
Oh, where is me?

I think it's time to head back.
Jul 2023 · 695
Critical
Kushal Jul 2023
Dissecting the world.
Eyes like hands,
Do the work of the mind.

Fearful of tremors.
Thoughts unchecked leave one unsteady.
Worry with every shake,
And eternity expands from a moment.

The hand cannot be stayed.
The eyes cannot be closed.

What medicine quells,
When the eyes glare at themselves?
Kushal Jun 2023
The Journey of the Traveler,
Wandering with eager eyes.

Boundaries matter not,
Neither in earth nor sky.

There are no "End"s.
The destination is not what's sought.

Purpose is hard found on a map.
Jun 2023 · 1.3k
Hype Yourself
Kushal Jun 2023
It’s a return to form,
Breaking the norm.
Jumping all up in this *****--
Break the calm.

The only limits are the ones I set.
So, you better get ready cause I'm not done yet.
I've been chilling in my own space,
Living at a quarter pace
Now I’m about to switch the gears,
Couch potato pulling up in the race.

Catch this smoke
While I blast off,
See the words flow,  
Take it as a crash course.
Got the last word,
Don’t argue.
I already stepped up with the virtue.
Got the vision and dreams,
Plotting the schemes,
While I head for the top,
You're still sipping on lean,
So, when you see me prevail,
Don’t fall apart the seams.

My brethren.
This is heaven.
Turn it up to eleven.
Till now you’ve had the discount,
I've been sitting down at a 7.

Now I’m like a 2 for 1 with the double barrel.
Locked and loaded, with the bass and treble,
While you kickback with the recoil.
I step forward
Like a Beast
Boy
.
Hype yourself up.
You've got to.
You're worth the Hype.
Jun 2023 · 117
Degrees of Suffering
Kushal Jun 2023
I've become accustomed to it all.
Time ticks closer to the end of a dull day,
All my will
Faded away.

It's been so long...
Am I a glutton for pain?
Tolerating the torment over and over.

Some days I don't need to close the curtains to let the dark creep in.
Some days... moments of sunshine.
It's never the same
Always different
Except the warmth is always gone.
Jun 2023 · 1.2k
Living Music
Kushal Jun 2023
As I lived
Music always lingered on every moment.
A soundtrack to every scene,
A beat for every memory,
Hummed and sung so joyfully,
Or cried out in agony.

The earworms I once bellowed out,
Till I'd emptied my lungs
...
I now listened to and understood.
Not entirely
But there was pain.
Tragedy.
Longing.
So much struggle concealed under a poppy melody.

How far I've come to sound like the music's changed,
When really,
It's me.
Jun 2023 · 2.4k
Pause
Kushal Jun 2023
Sit.
...
Breathe.
...
Release.
...

I'm still not okay...
But
At least now I can play the part.
Jun 2023 · 1.8k
Lost Art
Kushal Jun 2023
I sat in my room,
A rollup of green
Perched between my lips,
Bellowing away.

Above the clouds and gusts of wind,
I'd write these words.

I'm an artist for work.
It's hard.
There's always a worry for stability.
That worry now sits as the shadow of my works.
All impure,
Tainted by fear and anxiety.
Success is a goal so hard fought for
That I only see my true self in my poetry.

The one haven I've left for myself.
Working as an artist is hard. For me personally, it feels as though I've lost  my spark, always thinking on whether my art would help my career.  My poetry is the thing I publicise the least, and as a result, it's the only bit of art that feels like a hobby and not work.
The only place I can truly find art without any goal but expression.
Now to keep attempting to rekindle my fire for the rest of my art.
May 2023 · 975
Pity
Kushal May 2023
Pity me just a little.
So, I can lie to myself that you understand.
...
I could do with a helping hand.
May 2023 · 1.2k
Whimsy and Wonder
Kushal May 2023
Where’s my whimsy and wonder?
There’s just fire and thunder.
Lost up in my head on every single blunder.

Did I do it wrong? Did I do it right?
I’ll stay up contemplating all night.

Never reach an answer,
But it’ll never leave my mind.
And through all this struggle, I realise I can’t find,
The wonder and whimsy I used to have inside.
Apr 2023 · 568
Passive Child
Kushal Apr 2023
Scream scream scream!

The words bleed less,
If you scream it on the inside.
Quelle the racket.
You can seek but I'll hide.

Tides uneven,
To the left to the right.
Heave-** as much as can go.
Build a castle in the waves
Don't cry as it washes away.

Put it all where it's supposed to go,
Square to square,
Drone and drone.

This is not your place.

Throw a tantrum.
Apr 2023 · 1.2k
The Lost Sailor
Kushal Apr 2023
There’s so much waffle in my brain.

Disorientated and distracted by an endless barrage.
A mixture of inane and insane, I’m unsure of neither heads nor tails.

High on a pedestal that sits safely above the rocky waves, I act as if ignorance could take me far from this hellish place.
Apr 2023 · 379
Fallen Moons
Kushal Apr 2023
Chrysalis of a fallen moon,
Moths tethered to the last light.

Flowers sit silently,
And crows line the leafless branches,
As roses bloom in black.

The night feels blue.
Mar 2023 · 1.1k
LOVE
Kushal Mar 2023
Oh, what force have heaven and hell devised,
That twists and drives the hearts of mankind.
To chase across the world,
Hearts both filled and broken,
Trusting in faith and hope
To bring us home.

When lost, one grieves,
When found, they smile.
Never is it a waste,
Yet always is it a blessing and a curse,
One that twists our journey on paths unimagined.

Risk it all.
The hurt
&
The happiness.

Live.
Kushal Feb 2023
For a mind unclear and sitting in wait,
A drip of exposition
Settles into a calmer state.

Questions asked, with answers that weigh
No bearing.
Although the clarity come with peace,
It would be better not to care.

Tell me what to do, where to go
And how to steer
Or help me come to terms
That
"Things don't have to be clear"
Feb 2023 · 1.6k
Dancing Hearts
Kushal Feb 2023
My heart beats.
Like a drum dancing to a melody of Love
Oh, how you've lost your feet in the shower of the sun.
I've been watching a lot of Bollywood lately. If you know you know.
This one was inspired by the music video for "Sweetheart" by Dev Negi from the movie Kedarnath.
Dec 2022 · 2.2k
Game On
Kushal Dec 2022
Press Play
It's about time that I got into the action,
A little bit of flawless and now we got traction.

Player one and I'm feeling like a MC,
Onto the next arc with new opportunities.
RGB, I'm gonna light up the industry,
Fresh new world, yeah that **** was built into me.

Yeah, I'm not one to come and act all cynical,
I got a crew behind me,
Repping art so lyrical.
So, this wasn't a miracle,
We put in the work,
Now we headed past the pinnacle.

And this is just the prologue,
Just the beginning.
Even though we been at it,
We gon' keep on winning.

Look out for name on the web,
And here's where I said.
So, when they picturize my story
They'll know I meant it.
I've been on a winning streak lately. I finished my degree, won some contests, and have started my own Game studio! Pineapple on Pizza Studios (PTY) LTD, has received funding for 2023 and we'll begin working on interactive stories and art pieces through games.
Follow my journey by checking out   https://linktr.ee/popstudiossa  for all my socials and more in the coming year.
Dec 2022 · 811
In the shade
Kushal Dec 2022
A Tree
Sat steadily at the centre of an endless field.
Never still.
Its branches grow, then fall.
From nothing, to green, then only decay,
Even the leaves come and go.
Yet, always there sits a shadow, constant behind the everblooming oak.

A boy fiddles with an apple as he sits within the shade.
He does not wander, only sits and plays,
Gnawing away at the fruits born.
I wrote this quite quickly. I'm curious to know what everyone thinks it means/represents?
May 2022 · 1.3k
Finding A Heaven
Kushal May 2022
One day I stumbled forward,
Falling into a bed of roses.
The thorns ceased to ***** as before.
They cradled me so cosy.

I found myself at a loss for words...
How could this be real?
After all the Hell I'd travelled through,
Set afire in search of a Heaven,
I'd so easily fumbled my way through its gates,
And seen a beauty I could never dream nor feel.

No, that's not it.
Maybe Heaven had found me?
Why would the Gods have blessed me so?
Why now? Why here? Wh-...

She held my hand,
And pulled me in close.

My questions quelled,
And I found an answer beyond any words my head could think.
We all find love. Sometimes we look and we find, sometimes we look away and find it, and sometimes, it finds us. As long as we are willing to love as we wish to be loved, Love will find a way.
Oct 2021 · 589
Waiting
Kushal Oct 2021
...
...
...
Still
...
...
...
Still.
...
...
still.
...
still...
­-
Aug 2021 · 514
Recipe for Anarchy
Kushal Aug 2021
Silence is the only ingredient necessary
For my mind to unravel into anarchy.
Jun 2021 · 284
Sum total of 0
Kushal Jun 2021
There are none.

Zero that can find the rhythm my heart beats to.
Zero that see the pain in my smile.
Zero that know how my head runs.
Zero that bothers to dig past the surface.
Zero that both to ask the question.
Zero that bother to hear the answer.

I wish there were some.
Jun 2021 · 827
The Feel of Happiness
Kushal Jun 2021
I Hate It.

Somewhere along the line I must have sinned,
What other explanation is there for this situation I'm in.
Imprisoned, in shackles, while one or both above and below cackle.

I am not permitted anything more than a glimpse,
Slivers of light through silver bars
That only remind me how dark is Dark.

I looking longingly towards solitude without temptation,
Yet I cannot separate the two.

Now I have an answer to a question I never before thought to ask...

Limbo is worse than Hell,
For you may still glimpse at the beauty of worlds above.
May 2021 · 689
Rooted In Pain
Kushal May 2021
Lately I find I only write on pain
Feeling that it is all that is within me,
And nothing I do
Can wrench the feel from my heart.


Rotting...
Rotting...
Rotting...

I fear it has taken root...




I no longer see myself without it.
Apr 2021 · 696
Duet
Kushal Apr 2021
I'll kiss you between the lines
That say I am yours and you are mine.

Replace their names with ours,
And sing it till our lungs give out.

Our eyes will meet where the lyrics do,
And Bliss will tag along for the ride.
Apr 2021 · 573
The Artist
Kushal Apr 2021
I wish you could see my heaven and hell.
I dream you could understand it.
Apr 2021 · 258
Torture
Kushal Apr 2021
Again.

Again.

Again.



Lash me with my hopes and dreams.
Apr 2021 · 328
Fuck you
Kushal Apr 2021
I am ******* hurt.

I am in ******* pain.

I am trying not to be ******* angry.
I am trying not to feel it all.
I am trying and failing.
I am trying not to detest,
I am trying not forget my soul.

I am always trying to be happy.
I am always failing to be.
I am always teased with light
I am always tricked into darkness.
I am always wishing.

I wish I could be better.
I wish I wasn't scared.
I wish I didn't feel this pain.
I wish this doesn't last the forever it already has.
I wish some day.
I wish I get to be happy.
Jan 2021 · 231
You Fall First
Kushal Jan 2021
I don't want to fall first again,
Palms always getting sweaty from the thinking in my head.
Never understood the situations that I read,
So I guess I'll hold my tongue instead.

Too tired of a broken heart,
And hitting restart.
Never found love,
But always found myself in it.
This time I'd rather wait.

I'll risk missing it,
If they cant see my heart
Then maybe it isn't meant to be.
I am not willing to participate once more in futility.
Nov 2020 · 134
All I Know Is Regret
Kushal Nov 2020
I hate where I am.
I hate who I am.
I hate that I live this way.

I hate that I breath.
I hate that I love.
I hate that I feel.

I hate all of me.
I hate that no one sees.
I hate that all I have is regret.
I hate that I am not who I am.
I hate this poem.
I hate it all.
Nov 2020 · 136
Lost Heart
Kushal Nov 2020
Bred by the fire,
Yet jumped too early in.
These flames seared skin
Till they felt of sin.

Time took its toll,
Yet the fire still brought fear.
Now frozen from the cold,
The warmth of the flames beckons me near.
Nov 2020 · 122
I Hate Myself
Kushal Nov 2020
I hate myself for the things I do.
All of it torments my mind,
And hindsight is but a curse for my overthinking.

I fill with fear,
To many thoughts in my head,
So many unseen outcomes that spiral through my eternity.

Nothing ever goes the way of happiness,
And content is a feeling I have lost recollection of.
I wish to try again,
For looking at what I am now...
I hate myself.
Nov 2020 · 255
Timing
Kushal Nov 2020
Maybe the timing was wrong,
Or maybe it was perfect
For what's to come.
Oct 2020 · 249
Diary
Kushal Oct 2020
My poetry is my diary.
The trail left by my soul,
The song sung by my heart,
And the places my mind dared to explore.
135 poems in(just on here). I still always come back here when I feel the need to write. I always tell people if they wish to understand me, my poetry is where my soul is shown.

It's amazing that this place exists, and I think many like me have found a haven in it.
Oct 2020 · 525
Thorns
Kushal Oct 2020
The smell of roses,
So sweet a scent.
Yet held in hand,
You insist on pricking my skin.
A poem for those who've been hurt by the ones they held so close to their vulnerabilities.
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