Goner

There is this man 
his name is mia
he throws dirt
he spits words that hurt

Im on my knees 
words get louder
these tears are hard to keep

Im a goner 
im a goner 

Ties tilted up towards the earth 
tops turn down to a sky full of flames 
trees swing with a silent so still
the stillness sends chills to children 

im a goner
im a goner 

tables flip within your mind
words throw knives 
dishes wash themselves 
clouds are made of cotton 

im a goner 
im a goner 

shoes shine with thick mud
thick blood stains my pale legs 
Put me on the phone 
my mouth shut i say hello 

im a goner 
im a goner 






im a goner...

skinny fingers... skinnier frame

She hides behind t shirts too big
ribs

cause she wants to be an extra small 
Health business 

food huddled in pockets waiting to be eaten 
napkins folded 

Hunger pangs are an addiction 
stuck

Hidden in her room where there is no food
binge and purge 



Fragile 

Tiny

Dainty 

Little 

Light 

BONES


Words­ describe why food has no home 
in the trash all alone 

because you can never be too small 
phones 

mother doesn't know and we wont give her that call

YOU...
PASS...
OUT....

Hungry makes my stomach talk
not enough energy to walk

my vision is blurred 
black around the curves 

My...
HEAD...
HURTS...

i will make it stop 





goodnight

I let this ink bleed from my veins... 
I mean something with every word that i say
you do not get the meaning
Thats okay
Its not for you but me
Letter therapy
Move your pencil
Print something deep
The birds peck until there's nothing more to keep....

Little girls in my opinion aren't little

Im little but im too big to be little 
I have to deal with big girl bites but i can't have my binkie 
Little girl 
Little girl 
Let me touch you
Be little but have a big mind too

My mouth must be innocent 
My thoughts clean
But i have to deal with dark things 

Sleep in a princess bed you make yourself 
Too short to reach on the shelf 
But im a big girl so i have to get it myslef

I fell off the latter 
"Well why didn't you ask for help?"




Im a big girl but im too little too...

Kiddie pool adventures and...

Adults
Adults in red lab coats
They make jokes
Saying they want your eyes cause they look like eggs
Adults like yolks
They talk funny too
They call themselves folks
What I would give to be an adult
I could drive to see some people
Picture day and more
No more boring girl galore
But before I grow up I want kiddie pool adventures and dances in the mirror
Kitchen clean up from pancake disasters 
I want to run faster
You start slow 
Speed up and slow down
I want to fall down 
Get lost on a bus somewhere
Make mistakes
Fall in love 
More than once
Sit in silence
Have my own rock concerts
I want to live and become an adult
Then I'll live some more

Nooses are nice when they're around your neck
Doctor our patient is dead
She choked on a load of pens
Words written around  her throat
Ink clawing at jaws telling teeth to let go
Click yout tongue against your cheek
Let the black bomb flow freely
A fantastic explosion of emotions would **** them all
So we dont say anything at all
No words
Not even ones that are small
Skin dips as nails dig in
I didn't lie when i said i scratch at my neck...
Flesh under fingernails looks pretty
So i dig harder
My teeth gritting
Why doctor
Another girl lost
She was caught up in her spiderweb she called thoughts
She sees herself dying and asks what's wrong
Why couldn't i be a normal one
So she puts that song on
The one that calms her down
Looks at her feet in an attempt to avoid the now
In the bath
Choking
...she drowns
Alone her already dim light is put out

I am a young woman with a body below average in a world full of super models and good looking people. I don’t know why I can’t just accept the fact that im unattractive and move on… try to live a happy life. I obsess over every little space… every crevice.. every centimeter. Anything that is me i cannot enjoy. My mind is an ugly gutter filled to the brim with words like knives that dig in. I would never speak the things i think out loud. Never would i ever say something so nasty to someone i care for… not even someone I hate because i know this constant stream of lyrics i sing to myself could be enough to push anyone over the ledge. Brush it off at first. It didn’t really hurt. But every day filled with self inflicted pain.. mean mind games. It can ****. Why have guns when our mouths are perfectly capable. Shiny uglies and crippling kisses goodbye don’t count as ******… it was just a game to play alone. How many calories can i not eat? Im so ******* unhappy.

There's something beautiful about the rain. The sound it makes as it hits hard surfaces. The way it slides down the windows. The smell of the earth... clean. The darkness of a grey sky. It calms me down. It makes me feel alright.

I love you more than children love candy stores
I love you the way pig men love ******
I love you more than coffee house maids love cigarettes
I love you more than addicts love their cold sweats
Loving you more than lovers have loved each other
I love you more than babies love butterfly kisses and white milk bottles
I love you the way being lost feels so satisfying
Because you know there's no where to go but up
I love that you love me
saying the word love makes me feel free
I love you more than I love the rain
Id live for hot days if you'd do it with me
Love isn't enough
I adore you my dear
Can't you see...
I love so much more than i could explain

I hope for more
But i know there will only ever be less
Inside out im a mess
Emotions stuffed too deep like my fat finger down my throat
Im vomiting sadness because I crave starvation
It makes the circles under my eyes look like grey moons
I was always told that the moon was a beautiful thing
Like hip bones
And something about the darkness makes me want to sing
Ill scream about the days i couldn't stand myself
You see... you aren't heard in the night
So we tell our secrets to nothingness in hopes we can accept
But black holes don't make exceptions
still... i hope for more.

Meeting minds for the first time in a long time can make a soul crazy
Poisonous Ballerina!
Yes that's what she wanted to be
The world wouldn't be able to recover without you and me
The little word "us" is not something to be taken lightly
The planet where her feet once lay
I'd set it on fire to watch it burn and inhale the ashes
Yes let it decay
I'd spit a mouthful of thick black lashes in god's face without you....
With... out
Its not something i can comprehend
God would surely rip me to shreds
I'd say simply "you took my love away first!"
Of course the rips will hurt... but not as much as a broken heart
She was made of glass
A doll
She tiptoed on the back of dimes
Trying to fall into a different dimension
She wanted to be dead before the rise of the sun
So we begged "please moon.. do not close your eyes"
Smother her in waterfalls and puddles
She always loved to play in the rain...

How shall he **** himself?
Tie a rope around his neck and hang himself up like a coat on a hook
Or soak in a bath of red...I think I've read that in a book
Take a load of pills and shove them down his throat like the words he never said and the sobs we never heard
Stand in the middle of the road at night and wait for a car to come but there's a chance they wouldn't hit him and There's a chance he'd end up numb
Take a gun to his head and blow his beautiful brains all over this world
But he wants to go peacefully like maybe he was just sleeping
Endlessly he's thinking of a way to stop his days
And now he knows what he really wants
To jump from way up high and in his last moments he will be flying
And then it really hits him that he is actually dying...

DRAFT:

He is like a fire
A beautiful ******* burn
He makes my skin hurt
His words are like swords that sting
Everything that ever will be is happening
H... I... M...
he makes me want to scream
I love the way he says hello and goodbye
Also all the words in between
My body is overflowing
Overwhelmed with emotion
And the bad went overhead
Im over ******* heating
I don't want to go to bed
Let's talk all night instead

My pillow has a mouth.
When i lay my head down it whispers its daydreams to me all night.
My mind plays visions of my pillows imagination.
You see... my pillow falls into a book and brings it to life.
Its teeth like soaring kites.
Blowing words into my ears.
Winding winds down so that in the morning it can say
"the end."

(Might add to this.)

DRAFT:

Splinters of my sanity stick in thick blood
pressure on my chest
I cannot breathe this fluff
There are keys like coins going into me
My lungs are slot machines
Points Dig into skin
Words stab like knifes knitting words on my wrists
Drrrraaaggggggg
This poem will always and forever be saved as a draft
Because for some reason I cannot get exactly what I want to say on paper
So many letters unwrit
Lists are lost or never sent
Writers block! It doesn't make any sense
Our minds are creative water bottles that we swim through
Beavers in our head block colorful thoughts.

DRAFT:

Splinters of my sanity stick in thick blood
pressure on my chest
I cannot breathe this fluff
There are keys like coins going into me
My lungs are slot machines

I swim through a room with a dizzy glow
Where my feet are taking me i have no clue
I know what is about to happen but at the same time i cannot predict the future
My energy is off
My body is sick
My mind is a robot whos settings are stuck on sad
I try to get past these lunatics
Because their time goes
Click... click... click...
I am...bombarded with only 3 other bodies
Friends i do not know
A mosh pit filled 9 feet high with their words now known as snow
To that closet i will go
...And i will wait
Click... click... click...
There are two lower holes
I hold the door in place
My ears hear a sound
My heart raises its pace
POP
a balloon is set off
And the drunk people off of soft drinks sober up
Why am i the only responsible alcoholic here
Perhaps its because my beverages are clear
And clearly these mud drinkers didn't know that the kid named nooses head was about to blow
I grip the door because i can feel the thick hot blood on my hands
Its even thicker than the beaches sand
Horror stories and popcorn do not prepare you for an experience with death
I do not move because i know that he is dead
My body is limp
I am deaf
My eyes have no meaning
But i try to take a step
They (the donut eaters and hot coffee drinkers) have collected the glitter that was once his head
His pretty mind was broken
Before he went he at least wanted it to look its best
I step out from my new home named cold closet and see these boys playing with eyeballs
"Angaurd" they smile as the red that belongs in our veins hurtles towards the ground
They do not see what i see
Suicide is what some would call it
But no... to them its a playground.

My face is ******
Because I've been picking at it 
don't worry I've felt worse pain
and if I had to I'd pick it off again it'd be no big deal
I'm sure it soon will heal
While I'm sitting in this room
And wearing this silly costume
I smear my blood all over the tile floors and on the door
Miss Monah
Took me from 
My insanity safe House
So I make a mess
And tear up this dress to make her feel a little more stressed
I told the woman Monah with one eye that I didn't need a babysitter
I asked her to reconsider 
Maybe we can just play
But she is stuck not in control
She said it's nothing personal
That some man with toys has sent her 
She told me he wants a playdate
So to put me out of my misery she's going to have to **** me
"Toyman knows where girlys go"
She said with a crooked smile all while holding that axe
Her ****** mouth curved up a little more and she screamed
"You didn't check on the child!" right before the blow found it's target a man opened the door could it be
Is that the toyman I see
Will he stop miss Monah from killing me

I'm not a big fan of what if
But you were
You liked not knowing what was coming next
Taking risks was what kept you going
Running left instead of right
Using red instead of white
I can no longer hold it in I just have to know why
Who are you
What is it about different that draws you in
I'm so bland that I'm different you said
Maybe that's why you took my breath
Right outta my lungs and into your own
Breathing in the thick black feathers within me and turning it into fluff
"You're not dark. You just like the moonlight instead."
I always keep that in my Head
Now your gone and im left with something I'll never forget

Hey man who has the ability to make art
could you please tell me what you think you can never be 
The first time I feel like I'm not going anywhere 
is where Id like to be 
but im always exhausted and moving 
to the ocean and its king
fish forever 
fish forever 
gills soak up tears much better

I was just wondering what the salt tastes like
when its not up against the sand
anything on the land is bland
id like to go down deep into the dark
not having the pressure **** me
What life must be like for fish in the sea

wettest body does not have to read 
lifeguard doesn't care for me
i am a merqueen who tastes like mercury 
dont fish fry me
dont air dry me
leave me be...

I like the feeling of lips on skin
Smeared lipstick
We look silly with my red all over our cheeks
But we don't care about those little things
A big thing is happening
My legs wrapped around your waist
Take off the bra that's lace
Place your hands where you know I like
My eyes roll up into the sky
Lips I bite
Yours and mine
I like the way you roll your hips
And thrusts so good should not exist
hold my hands and whisper things
I've got prints on my thighs
They're a redish white
Don't worry
I like that you hold them tight
We don't need wine to feel this good
I took one look and I was hooked
Eyelashes fluttering
You are sputtering
As you spank me
"God... Yes.."
I mumble into the kiss
One more ****** before you bust
And I go nuts

There something about feeling my heart race
Not at its usual pace
Rocks or stones
Whatever is thrown
Bruised and bleeding
My knees are giving
But it doesn't hurt as much as being ignored
I'll just be a little sore
The group laughs and I laugh too
They are sick
And I am stuck because they ask me to a party and beat me with sticks
How could I refuse?
Insides are outside
But Its blood not sugar
Syrup dripping down like the tears I shed when I was lonely
This planet is big enough for friends
And that's what I'll call them
At least they speak to me...
Boring girl galore
I'm a little alive now
But when I head to town I hear the whisper carried through the wind
And then the window broke
And deep down in this group I know I'm still all alone
I've drowned in my own blood but I act like I'm drinking water
Pretend and it'll get better
All red and washed up you are
Those friends don't want you
Find some more
And party with the sticks again
The end.

So many things in my head
I can read minds you see
This girl wishes to be dead and that one is already dying
Chin up little one
Why are the little ones depressed and dying
Why are they always crying
Stop scaring me with these threats of death
I look to my left
And see blue girl
Heart no longer pumping the red that is in our veins
Hers are drained
This isn't what it seems
Not a dream
A nightmare maybe
Did I do that to blue girl or did she do it to herself
I go back to my shelf and sit
I'll remain here unmoving
Until someone picks me up
So young
so bright
Now you're lost to the night
Where demons eat you up and fight over the pieces of you
The pain unbearable
But you don't feel it
You feel nothing
Guess you got your wish
Black eyes with a grin is what I see
Close my eyes count to three
Now they're next to me
Inside
The devil hides
I am taken over
Goodbye
Hello it's the new me

I'm afraid of everything
So I'm barely living
Holding back so I don't get hurt
The worst part is not knowing what will happen next
I'm a freak out of control
So they call me control freak
Be ready for what's around the corner but I don't see through walls
So I'm armed with layers for anything
And little things freak me out
I'm psyched to be the leader
Cause I'm a ******
And I'll have a perfect path
I mean plan for us all...

I kiss your lips pushing all emotions off of mine and on to yours
Eyes closed I pull back for a cold breath
Breathing is ******* this night in winter but not from the snowflakes
And instead of snow it might rain
In a moment
Was it because we dared to dream
We both are going away
How long will talking last
A day is an eternity
So I'm chained to this poll we are leaning on one last time
Till i need to be gone
Maybe I'll brake the rules
Stay by this poll till midnight
Perhaps morning
Or just until it starts pouring
If we stayed outside all night
Maybe the clouds would be kind

The seeing eyes would never lie if they had a mouth to tell
Painful memories should burn in hell
Yeah daddy stitched it up real well
To hide His secret activities
The things he did to me...
We do not speak of the infidelity

Bite off the tip of your tongue
Let blood bleed out from your mouth
Red words come out
Self destruction
Just for one good poem
Writing is therapeutic
But I do it so much I need thereapy
People look at me
Everything I say is a song
But not a good one
I've got bags under my seeing tunnels
If I continue I'll be in trouble
Words arranged
Then rearranged
The perfect part will capture your heart
Then tear it apart

When you wake up on the wrong side of the bed
Nothing much is going through your head
Except maybe the end of August
Cause that month was the worst you've ever gotten the shakes
Shackles on fire clung to your wrists
Watch as they burn your skin
The shackles were made of feathers from the pillow you tore up in your sleep
You were having a bad dream
An idea really
Your bones have gotten thinner
Your face feels so far away
But the people disagree
And they say what you're feeling is cold on a warm day
Soon it will go away
But I've had the shakes for too long
Like months with a never ending song
It's too late now I'm gonna go to sleep
Tonight my bed looks so much more comfy
Like a booth in a corner at the comedy club
When I wake up...
If I wake up
It'll be early
Always too early
And on the wrong side of the bed
Because when I sleep I bend over and backwards
Trying to get to the other side
Which ever one is right

I like dead things like flowers
For some reason they make me feel like I belong
Like good lyrics in a song
And every single
Flower that has died to me is still alive
The way they droop
Like my shoulders
Get lower
Closer to the ground
So they can see life upside down
We're always looking up or forward
Everyone is running
While I walk slowly back
There's nothing really wrong with the past
And the ground has inspiring things
Like shoes
And holes
Curbs too
Signs painted to help you make turns
I like to stay awake at night and stare at the ground
I might have insomnia
But that's alright
I like feeling the world when everyone is locked in their beds
The dark is not taking me as prisoner tonight
When I go to bed
I let the sun take me instead

My eyes are dryin up again. You play with my hair and I'm in heaven. Little girls shouldn't be drinking but I want to feel alive. Anyway It's just for tonight.

The happiness runs in your bloodstream. Your hair in my hands, gives off a gleam. I wanted to help you feel alive your whole life, but it seems I've only been given a single night.

I'm hyped up to a song I don't know. My body's blue cause I'm getting cold. Getting high off your vibes. Maybe I'll give you two nights...

The ambience dissapears, I felt different. My mind and body became belligerent. I was lost in ecstasy from your touch. I was lost on what caused this rush.

Vision blurry and my words are slurry. I don't know if I should drive home. But my parents are waiting for their good girl. I think i need another happy pill. Or maybe just the touch of you. Hands on my thighs send shivers down my spine.

The good girl in your vanished that night. I'd dream of waking up to your smile at first light. My wandering hands could place on a million thighs. But it is yours that it lingers afraid to caress.

Muscles aching for your finger tips. Eyes closed I search for your lips. Legs and arms wrapped up in ecstasy. You and me are at the world's best feeding frenzy.
You're right. The good girl is gone.

I'm fine
Words to hide behind
Little details in ones face you do not recognize
Oh dear are you really okay
But we don't feel like sharing the whole story
So good will do
When you're feeling blue
And believe you have no value
In this web of lies
I can't find myself
Around the corner
On the shelf
I'm really up in my room
Now thinking is all I do
But I can't share my thoughts with you

I like you - this is not a contest

I'll be the Sally to your Jack
All the things that run through your crazy head
I guess I love you a lot more than I originally planned
You're a criminal with the perfect crime
You stole my heart and consume my mind
I think I've known it from the start
The moment we met
I just knew
I like you
I like you
I like you
But do you like me too
Do I see the glass as half full and you half empty
If I were to say something would it be a painful memory
I don't want to lose your friendship
Cause I'd be losing a piece of me
I like you
I like you
Am I enough
Why is admitting to it so tough
Trying to live without my happiness would be rough
Like the torn up notebook I wrote your name on as many times as I could
Be mine just say that you would
I like you
The way a girlfriend should
The way you comb your hair
Your mischievous smile
Bright eyes and ears that stick out a tad too much
The way you eat your lunch
Maybe it's the vibes you're sending my way
Let's be together and get old and gray
Now I know I don't stand a chance but I'm going to like you anyway

Oxygen therapy is what helps my insanity
In 1. 2. 3.
Out 4. 5. 6.
We need it to survive so it's my guide to living
Loving and giving
Plant a tree so someone elso can have a little oxygen therapy
What if we lived forever like my little oxygen friend
We breathe out in
Then do it again
Oxygen doesn't die
It gets renewed
Imagine living life
giving life
and doing it again

When you eat yourself fat it makes you lose your appetite
so you get a job and it makes you think too much
So then you "forget" to eat
My life changed forever the first time I skipped dinner
Now my stomach isn't growling
It's cheering me on
Come on girl this is a sign that you are strong
Do you want hip bones or food?
I want to hear people behind say "look how skinny she is"
Because all I hear is skinny
Forget the skittles and lollipops
We want to feel comfortable enough to go out in a tank top
I wake up and my head is light like a feather
I want to be picked up bride style
And it's embarrassing when you're too heavy
Think light thoughts
Like the wind and sun rays fluttering around the world
Leaves slowly falling from trees
We want Photoshop in real life
People ask "have you been eating?"
That's a sign its working
One day I won't have to **** in
Hollow is good
Less space to take up

The sun is a dancer and I'm the stage

I'd forgotten how good it feels to let the sun kiss my skin
Butterfly rays fluttering around me
My entire body
Being dead isn't so bad now that I feel good
Twinkling eyes are mine because its so bright
I'm in love with the warmth of the substance around me
It feels like water and sand mixed up into grass
I'm buried in the land by the beaches
Married to the heat energy
I can see it now dancing across my glass body
Since I'm no longer real I'd like to believe I'm a doll
And the dirt is my playhouse
Everyone said it was gonna be cold like the snow where we made angels but I'm not so sure angels are supposed to be frozen
I'd like to say goodnight because I could fall asleep in the comfort of the sun but I guess I'll say good morning instead

More animal than human
I guess they're happy now
They look ridiculous
At least they're enjoying themselves

He had a hole in his had
That thing that is dead
Grandad use to wake him up by pinching his toes
But no one knows that he is a demon
Waiting for you to fall asleep
And close your eyes
That beautiful creature in the night
Cut out his eyes
Sliced off his nose
His lips were already gone
He could talk to grandad no more
He lives in the scary
But he can see clearly in the dark
He blows out the candles to make himself feel better
Hell cut off your toes and make himself some clothes
That's what happens when there's a blanket over your head
He killed your dad and now he's dead
Where's mom
Eek
He's behind
Her shadow
He's getting her now too
And there's blood poring from her shoes
You are barely breathing and your color is draining
Outside its raining to wash away the blood
In the morning there'll be bags and bodies and a crowd
But right now
Shows over and your feet are mangled over the bed they dangle
Now he can see them from a better angle

I think that possibly maybe I'm falling for you
Sad part you don't even have a clue
It's me I hollar but you're stuck in your own head
Me I yell but there is no one at the door
Look I say but you're up in your attic
I run searching for you in the halls of your mind and you are searching for something that you'll never find
Turn around I say but my words are whispers carried through the wind
The noise unable to reach you
It's like I don't exist and for a second I stop and look around its my memories playing a trick on me because you really were never there in this attic we both share
but we don't and its my attic that I need to clean out I've got bones under my bed and bats in my head
I forget what I'm doing in this basement walking around the empty spaces
...
Wasn't I in the attic?

I feel so out of place I do not fit in
In this hole I could never win maybe everyone else gets the joke always out never in
evey time I step outside I feel the need to hide
why?
We are all uglies wandering this world apart but together
don't you feel this weather in your head?
Storms of emotion
Control them and you have passed
Conquer them and you have found the key to being human
living with feeling is strictly forbidden but I was always a rebel

So many things in my Head
I can read minds you see
This girl wishes to be dead
And that one is already dying
You can live and not be alive
You can jump from the sky's and feel nothing
Or go for a simple drive and be more alive than you have ever been
It's not your situation its the people who are around
When you go through the motions together you really feel it all
and when you are apart its like a you start to fall
crawling through this wreckage looking for your valuables but it is the people who are crawling too that are valuable
if she wants to be dead and you don't want her to  
Tell her she is precious because maybe that will be the first time she's heard it
Maybe it will be the last

Erase those sad eyes and draw new ones or baby you can't come
Forget the past and move on
Break it down
Act like it didn't happen
Those embarrassing days and fun ones
They werent real
Really?
Now I don't think I can remember
What you said to me
And I don't remember what I wore yesterday just that I wore it
And if you were wondering how I'm doing well I'd say I'm doing just fine but we all know that's a lie
On this earth we all pretend to be something were not
We pretend to be good
we act like we're enough but is anyone ever just enough?
I'm sorry if my questions are annoying you but hold on
I've got many more.
Why are we keeping score?
You are not better than me and I am not better than you
stop feeling blue
Chin up little one
Why are the little ones depressed and dying?
Why are they always crying
Beautiful people we are
no matter how big the scar
So stop scaring Me with these threats of death
stop slicing open your skin your
life is about to begin
get ready to be in love and love you haven't done
not yet
And that's what I don't get
Why do you care what they say when they don't love you and they aren't in love with you
Don't be just yourself
strive to be the best you that you can be
Reach for what you want
take who you want to be with
and if they don't want to be with you then maybe it's not meant to be...