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3.5k · Aug 2017
JasFow Aug 2017
I wish I could explain to you how my heart changes
Daily\ by the minute
When I see you across the way,
my view obscured by a wall; which seems fitting
A wall seems to keep us apart [endlessly]
Your end or mine
Its easier, we agree
What is it that keeps me so far you ask?
There is something surrounding my heart
Malleable and breathing
Alive and keeping me together somehow
I've let it open a few times
To let someone in, to let you in.
But every time, without fail, something changes
You got to my heart and it burned in the most beautiful light
Coming in, you made it good, and happiness was real
It was when you left that things got bad
I left myself open for too long and lost myself over time
Bits and pieces fell out slowly, scattering itself
Now my heart is incomplete, more so than usual
I'm not blaming you
I souly point the finger at myself
I shouldn't have opened up to begin with
You want me to be honest and transparent,
but since closing back up, my heart has turned dark and mucky
Unable to be seen through clearly
I try to be honest, but  the current truths get blindsided by the past lies
I don't mean to do all the damage I caused
To you or me
I wish this was a real apology, for I know it changes nothing
Me continuing to be closed off
I’m sorry.
Dumping what been drowning my thoughts
1.2k · Jan 2019
Sex is spelt Y.E.S.
JasFow Jan 2019
it confuses me daily that so many people are having ***
even at this very moment, i'm sitting in a book store
sipping coffee that burnt at first sip
where are they? in their homes? in public?
i'm avoiding it, not on purpose
that's just how its worked itself out
there in the moment with them its exciting
adrenalin in pumping and all thats left is to strip
yet i won't let it happen
i feel the rush and the chills but that's it
the closest i've ever got to feeling what you call '*****'
it all started with a cuddle
he said it best himself, don't cuddle, you'll catch feelings
no ****.
probably could have went a few more years
but he was drunk and all he asked was for me to stay
to cuddle
and that's what we did
all night
i woke to him in a slight sweat and it happened
i then knew what you are supposed to feel in those moments
after that, he messed me up
now i can't handle him grabbing my hip to move me out the way
he can sit too close and there it is again
what the hell?
and other people have felt this since they were preteens?!
i would burst
what i don't get is why it never happened again
other boys/other girls
no one makes me feel the same
that feeling is what has been missing
why i couldn't say yes
i feel nothing with them, so i sit there fully dressed
he won't get too close
it's funny because he doesn't remember us
we were laying nose to nose
on new years, what i wanted happened
we kissed in the mix of the dozen lips
we got home and yet nothing happened
i didn't want to take advantage of our blurred visions
one day i hope i get it
the feeling he gave me
he may never say yes
but i'll always have that feeling
**** demisexuality
It's not as weird as they say to feel nothing.
969 · May 2019
im a slut for attention
JasFow May 2019
i prefer to have them watch me
its better than them not to notice
now do you understand
the short shirts and ***** shorts
see through tops show bras with no underwire
eyebrows filled in and lips filled with lip liner
ive become unaware of my volume
speaking loud enough to show my power
why should i hide
wanting to make a hero i made a monster at the same time
the names labeling me are more than likely true
i don't fear the looks they give
they almost fuel me to stand taller and show a bit more
say what you must
your words will feed my lust
942 · Feb 2019
Drunken'd Cuddles
JasFow Feb 2019
you dont remember but i do
nights that occur time and time again
you tell me you love me
eyes looking into mine
i have to turn away because i know its not real
at least not entirely
our feelings are the same
but you can only show yours when
you wont remember the next morning
its frustrating and infuriating
we cuddle we kiss we hold each others hand
its not as if it didnt happen
its not like none of it is real
just fragments dont fit together the best way
your warmth gives me goose bumps
my neck still feels your lips
then the day after you slide away
when i sit too close you push
is it all me
im i that repulsing
you told me im beautiful
that was the first time i really believed it
somehow its all gone now
when you look at me i wonder
what part of me looks the worst
should i run my fingers through my hair
should i smile a little bit differently
if i wear this perfume will he not move over
will he tell me i look beautiful again
i feel insane even bothering
because youre just my best friend
It's simple, I love you.
806 · Oct 2017
One Person. Two People.
JasFow Oct 2017
She holds her own hand
Sweaty and cold
Shaking with a quiver only she can see
Green eyes echoing back and forth
She feels everyone else watching
Even when no none notices her
A sip of coffee satisfies nothing
A bite of the lip only helps momentarily
The pain distracts little by little
But the fear stays
Extrovert when convenient
Introvert when the other is needed
Smiling to everyone but herself
She cries to herself in the mirror
One moment, laughing enough to cause a crowd to join
Next, sitting quietly, chewing her inner cheek
Not a fear passes as she walks across a stage
But trembles as her paper is read aloud
Her best enemy lives within her head
She's living with Anxiety
My stomach makes me feel like I'm sick as I sit alone in an empty room, feeling judged by the "no one" there
474 · Jul 30
JasFow Jul 30
So much time has passed
Yet so little life has been lived
Oh how life's changed to now
403 · Jul 2017
2 Hour Drives
JasFow Jul 2017
a week passes within twenty minutes
my mind scrambles from the peripherals
car rides that make me sleepy
waiting to reach a new destination
you drive the roads twice day to day
once on the way to me
another to take you to an empty home
yet to be moved in
either you've lost your mind
taking the time to bring me another smile
for only a minute can we touch
or you care as much as you repeat yourself
you do
more than you should
singing keeps the silence broken
2 hours is a long time
distancing ourselves from the new truths
i think i love you
Daily reminder;  I won't find someone better than you.
399 · Jun 2019
Business Trip
JasFow Jun 2019
I travel all over the state
Different jobs, never the same hotel
Always alone in my bed
This week I reddened from the sun
First visit to the beach
Mini vacation to forget what’s in my head
Then I invite him in my room
Both drunk from downing cheap spirits
Scared of the outcome I still say come in
We watch tv and make small talk
An hour passes and we lay side by side
He looks at me and we both know
Under the influence our smiles match
A touch of my leg, his hand is gentle
We hug and he leaves for his room
Not ten minutes pass and I invite him back
All I offer is to cuddle
My face still warm from the burn
I changed to shorts and a cropped sweater
He joins me back and lays in my bed
His arm is comforting around me
Turning to look at him I realize he’s not
who I have been seeing
He is all the bad
But also good that he hides
I can’t remember if I did or if he did
We lean in and his lips are soft
His tongue opens my smile and I accept it
Fitting perfectly in his side I wrap around
His legs entangled with mine
Pulling me closer he grabs me tenderly
It’s another man in love with someone else
Yet here I am being held in his strong arms
Falling back, I remind him of his other
Admitting it’s complicated we just hold each other
A silent kiss is shared once more
He escapes back
The feeling of his hands rubbing my back echos my mind
Kissing my forehead while my eyes are closed, it remains
We’ll act as if it never happened
I’ll live with the memory and try to hate him less at work
Now back home we go
What a trip.
Im not sure what is happening but I’m just going with it all.
358 · Oct 2017
JasFow Oct 2017
one night when i was younger
i went to the cabinet
and grabbed what wasnt mine
downed the whole bottle
and swallowed 30 times
laid down on the cold bed frame
left a kiss on my sisters pillow
closed my eyes to sleep
and hoped for no tomorrow
woke up the next evening
not understanding i was still here
no one noticed the day i had missed
no person shed a tear
i continued the next day
as if nothing ever happened
now i continue with a fake happiness
because its a waste of time to be saddened
middle school ******
352 · Apr 2019
Different House
JasFow Apr 2019
Is it really that bad
Resonating the thoughts
Pushed down my throat
Years of pain and darkness
Holding on to something
Just doesn’t feel right
But if I let it go
It didn’t happen, did it?
We let the demons share my bed
I held hands with the Devil herself
She made me touch
******* not allowed to leave
A board having full control
Hello for any entry.
No “God forbid”
For God was forbidden
Goodbye to exit the conversation
Tears dripping down my cheeks
Open mouthed and silent
Catching the drips, containing the screams
Light didn’t exist in that house
Now I’m in a different house
One of a person named Lord
Not too sure if it’s the right place just yet
As the people who live here also knock me down
I’m not allowed to love
For when I do, they see straight through, as I am transparent.
I won’t hide the colors I found
For the light that reflect my heart now shows every depth tone of the rainbow.
So do I turn back to the blackness that grew me.
Or do I stay in the light and fight
I’m not sure yet which ones feels right
Changing from a Satanist to a Christian
347 · Sep 2017
when you smile.
JasFow Sep 2017
I want to see your smile everyday
keep that upward glance to me
you want to cry
the pain is too much,
what are the options?
one or two, that'll be with you
not understanding whats happening
where do I go from here
been lost for weeks
only words of others calm my raging thoughts
days pass without feeling your warmth
craving your hands
lips to hold my thoughts
caught on the fact that I need your kiss
bite my bottom pink lip
sing a song of heart and fear
reality is what I need to hear
do you want a me+you
or choose to let me grow
i'm trapped by your love
take off the ring
and let me hear you sing to me
edges of your mouth turned up
shakes and a shiver runs up my spine
every time you smile.
Until next time
336 · Aug 5
Looking Back
JasFow Aug 5
Blocking out so many memories
Is the only thing that keeps me moving
It’s too hard to know what’s real
Memories seem fake or forced
But I know they were real
No one wants to think back to their past
And only feel fear and sorrow
The feeling that the lone thoughts of joy
Are fabricated
Dreams I created to make it seem better
To make it as if it wasn’t that bad
Like the pain my sister and I endured
Wasn’t all just make believe
Nightmares that curated my reality of the past
System fails as I try to catch my breath
Heat racing a beat faster each tick
Pitch black walls with curtains on top
I wish sometimes it was all a bad dream
Maybe then when I woke in a sweat
I wouldn't have to suppress the screams
331 · Aug 6
A Laugh Starts It
JasFow Aug 6
The laugh catches me, low and high
Lips that aren't meant to be mine, carrying me away
Eyes tunneling through me, while I try to see past the surface  
Pupils dilating, heart picking up speed
A laugh brings me a smile
Her scent sends me to a place I didn't know existed
I feel a warmth cross my cheeks as I pull her closer
Her hand brushes the side of my face
She knows I blush when she does this to me
One more touch of the lips on my forehead
I melt completely in her arms
Just an inch taller, I lean into her
She laughs again, this time softly
Finding the center of my back
A light back and forth eases me
I no longer fear what I'm feeling
I've dreamt of this longer than I was aware
I hope I find her one day
315 · Apr 2019
JasFow Apr 2019
I’m in love with a gay man
I guess that’s better than the married man
Or the other one
Or the girl who was homophobic
Or the man who just got out of jail,
10 years older than I was at 19
I’m in love with a gay man
Knowing full well he’ll never be mine
With his boyfriend by his side
He still doesn’t leave my mind
You see, I loved him before he came out
That doesn’t change a thing
I’m in love with a gay man
It probably doesn’t help we live together
He’s my best friend
The human that makes my half a whole
Ive had him in my life for a few years now I hope to keep him until we’re grey and old
I’m in love with a gay man
I know what you’re going to say
They’re are plenty of fish in the sea
There is someone out there waiting for me
That simply just isn’t the truth
Still working on pushing my feelings away
I’m in love with a gay man
There will never be another just like him
Knowing all my flaws, loving me despite
I can’t imagine anyone else to hug and say goodnight
He knows how I’ll respond before I do myself
He’s my second half, the better without a doubt
I’m in love with a gay man
And I know he’ll live an amazing life
With/without me, the same
I’ll always see his gorgeous smile when I hear his name
One day I’ll find a love that will sadly always come second
to the love I feel/will have felt for him
Best friend, I love you.
304 · Aug 2017
Mine Tonight
JasFow Aug 2017
My Dear ******,
You held my brain high before I saw into your eyes
My lips demand a bite when you laugh
Everyday, wearing a new dress to impress us all
Flats, sandles, heels, barefoot on the ground asking to be picked up
Spun and handled with worn, warm hands
But you look away when someone admires
As everyone does, they want the love your heart hold to be theirs
I want to kiss your top and love your bottom soul too
You look younger than you are and you wear it well
Told me from the beginning, you don't feel the same as others
That I definitely could tell
Just when I think this is all a dream that a bad man keeps
Our lips share a moment
And I'm reminded why I was warned about you
From the other side, its just as strange.
JasFow Jun 2019
I met him in the same store
Wearing the same uniform
A very similar smile on his lips
And a story also identical
I even heard they’re friends
Both men who I would wink at
And giggle to their jokes
I was the only joke there
Neither one can ever know
But after falling
Living a love hidden away
Being ripped apart and crushing my soul
Almost two years have passed
And he’s still with his wife
It’s like I was never there
It never happened, I didn’t exist
He got to keep going
I had to restart, again
Now in an almost different life time
I’m talking to the other
He’s kinder and more respectful
But could it be different
He keeps a line he won’t cross
The first never drew lines
He’s responsible and knows better
Deep down I want to find out
Could something more come
Of our coffee drinks and long talks
Silky screen shot photos
Sweet messages of how we deserve more
I want this to be different.
Maybe he will leave his wife
Before he presses against me for a kiss
Before he tells me I’m his only real love
Before i believe him
Before his wife finds out
Before everyone knows
Before I’m a ****, again
Before I’m thrown away
Please, let this be different
I made a mistake before, please don’t let this be the same
271 · Jul 30
JasFow Jul 30
257 · Sep 2017
Ripped Scripts
JasFow Sep 2017
Remembering the words I memorized to myself last night
I can't seem to put them together in the right order now
Somehow I thought I'd be able to recite those words to you
Without losing my voice and having to cough it back up
But just one look in your eyes and all is lost again
I want you to know how much you mean to me
How the fear I have of this world doesn't compare to my feelings for you
No matter how many tears I have at night
Your smile to me makes my body feel light
I worry too much about what you think about me
Am I just the little girl you saw across the room?
Playing games that made you skip and grin against your will
Or did I change after the first image popped in your mind of me
Bare legs, large top, never wishing for this to stop
You asked me if I was happy and I ripped my mental script I wrote
I told you, " I love you"
Because that line will never change
The same scene plays over and over in my mind.
I hope I get to love you the way we want
252 · Aug 2019
Tyler Downs, 13 Reasons Why
JasFow Aug 2019
His emotions rollercoastered
Up and down, in a loop
Unable to see the next turn
I was there
He simply said “It’s nice having friends”
And I bursted into tears
Not realizing how true
It is
He felt the person he was could never be loved
I felt the just the same
Violent, hurt, hateful, alone
Rock bottom pushed all of it to the surface
Then things changed
I was no longer time
But a better version of myself
One who understood pain can go away
A smile can come back
And be real when thought impossible
I cut myself like their words cut my soul
I was reckless hoping something would crash
I swallowed pills, one after another
Blocking the ability to feel anything
Then someone said it’s okay
Even though they saw all the bruises
They hugged me despite the rugged surface
Not pulling away; squeamish
From my tears running down their shoulder
Knowing the darkness that surround me
They held my hand and pulled me along
Wanting me to fight
When I gave up years ago
He kept moving because of friends
That forced him to believe it was worth it
And I felt the same
From people i was surprised knew my name
So thank you to those people
Who played sports when I played hookie
Who did cheer when I gave out drugs
Who got A’s in class while I swallowed another color
Who went home to families while I went nowhere
They still learned my name and looked past my hateful voice
Knew my past and somehow still believed
That who I was wouldn’t last
They took a chance on me
Proving beings friend, no matter how different, can change everything
This character resembled so many things of what happened in my life and a dark part of me I lived with for years. Thank you to this character for showing it does get better.
250 · Apr 10
JasFow Apr 10
Is it too graphic to say I want you inside of me again?
Is it too ****** to say I need your hands touching me?
Is it too ***** to say I desire your lips on mine below?
Tell me, where is the line?  
If I scream your name in my mind, can you hear it?
Feeling your fingers pull on my longing hair,
I close my eyes, feeling you enter me deeper;
Into my heart.
Is this a deeper form of love?
I don't care anymore, I love him.
JasFow Jul 30
If someone remains in your mind
Are they meant to be there
Are they intruding
Or did you invite them in

If a heart becomes vacant
How long does one wait
Before allowing another in
How does one choose their fate

There's no question
Of whether they're wanted
A warmth reminds the heart
Of the power they once held

They speak once after months
Flooding your every thought
Remember why there was silence
But the silence is broken now

Is it too soon to go for a walk
Maybe grasp their arm when you laugh
Not being alone for more than two weeks
Craving the touch of the one you never had

Their name pops up at the mention
As if their ears were burning
At the very moment
Manifestation working for once

Now if only Love and Desire
could be manifested instead
I'm no less confused as I was 4 years ago, just more comfortable with it/
JasFow Oct 2017
I'm sorry
The line is busy
I won't be able to answer the call
I want to hear your voice
But all I hear is static noise
Help me figure this out
I'm screaming out loud
I don't understand
how to make it better
All I want is
you and me together
Please, just tell me
What I have to do
to make this a reality
I will love you, and nothing can change that.
241 · Aug 10
You helped me do This.
JasFow Aug 10
Pockets of Summer rain
Drift me away from all this pain
Clouding my eyes then I can't see right
Please take my hearing and sight
Everything that's thrown at me
Causes me more tears
I used to fear being alone
That went away this year
Comfortable in discomfort
I tore my own skin
Sewed myself together again
This time I won't let it scar
I'm going to heal my heart
I'm ready to keep this pain to help me grow again.
239 · Apr 2017
JasFow Apr 2017
You introduced me to Charles Bukowski
Not realizing I would fall in love with this raunchy old man
For a time, only his words could put me to sleep
You understood that though
Telling me that if this terrible man had the chance
He could tell me anything to get me in bed
No matter how resistant and headstrong, you know, I am  
But something crossed my mind
This man full of lust, poetry, and ***** is my worst nightmare
I’m trying my hardest still to avoid all that he is
The lust that has yet to entangle me
Poetry that’s warped my thoughts into lines and stanzas
And the ***** that’s instilled fear in me, I don’t want it near me
All that he is, I want far, far, far away
But I love him and his raw words
The letters he put together to form words
Lines, stanzas, poems
I’m too far gone in love with his mind
Good thing he’s not still alive
I really would be in trouble then
So, I sit and read his deep dark desires in an open book
Hoping you won’t be mad I can’t love you the same
For you’re the man who introduced me
To the man that wouldn't love me
236 · Oct 2017
What's Next?
JasFow Oct 2017
It's not everyday that you cry away your life
Or maybe it is
If you're like me, it doesn't change a thing
But it still happens some how
Nightly, while you lay down about to sleep
In the morning as you shower
On the drive to work and back
Pouring out all the sour
Stuff happens, you get over it, here comes the next day
But what if I don't want to be here for it?
I'm getting really tired of having a wet face
Tears falling like on a schedule
Checking off the list to make sure the deed is done
I mostly just want it to end
I'm trying to memorize the colors of the sky
My best friends colorful eyes
The way the fur of a cat feels pur-fect against my hand
How I smile at little things
Maybe more than I should
"Innocent" is definitely used too often to describe me
"******" seems to be the better fit
Each day I try to find a reason to keep moving
I wait for my cry-fest to come
I pray that the day will arrive where I don't regret a thing
I will no longer wish for something else
I've gone through this dark time before
I'm going through it again
It's different this time because I'm aware of it
I know and understand that something just isn't right
But the hard question remains unanswered
How do I fix what's wrong?
What's Next?
I'm really lost, and I'd sort of be fine if I wasn't here tomorrow.
229 · May 2017
Right Where I need To Be
JasFow May 2017
Here, sitting outside
The breeze makes a chill
Balancing the heated shining sun
The fountains down below this porch keep spraying high
My hair, that's short and dark now,is new to the light and wind
The strands move in a new wave
My earbuds play songs only heard in unknown movies
I don't need other eyes to be on me to feel seen
Pigeons fly around the bell tower
Sure, the bee sitting across the table from me isn't much company
But he listens to my typed words and buzzes to the beat
That's all I need
In my mind I don't desire to be rushed away
I'm fine here
Nowhere special
Gazing at he Chapel beyond the hill
Thanks be given to the flowers that make the bushes seem bigger than they are
And the third story window of the building next door that remains open though no one's home
Right where I need to be is here
Alone on an empty campus typing poems no one reads
229 · Oct 2017
JasFow Oct 2017
I've completely lost my mind
Every thought I have is another about a boy\
A man I saw by a moment ago
At work, in school, on the TV, in the movies
What the hell is wrong with me
I can't go a day without imagining them in someway
Yes, I'm a human and it's natural and alright\
But i'm starting to get worried
I'm staying up late reading books, with perfect men, all night
There's something inside me that draws me in
Maybe its the way they smell or how they know how to grin
All types of hair, any color of the skin, every sparkling eye
I never seem to win
One day I hope one falls for me as easily I do them
Maybe then I'd feel less crazy
And start to enjoy a normal life again
I like the thought that one day a boy will like me as much as I like them.
207 · Sep 2017
Driving Through Life
JasFow Sep 2017
I'm not afraid to honk when people get to close
Alarming them of the mistake they're about to make
Don't get closer, for there's a crash awaiting just around the turn
If you get as close to touch me, there is no small tap
I crumble and implode completely
Too weak to take the hit
I leak all that's in me, not able to move again
Yelling when they frustrate me
Throwing concerns into the wind
How can people go through so carelessly
No seat belt to secure who they are
Running red lights to get what they want
Taking the risk, and usually getting away with it/
It's disgusting
Terrifying me to the point where
I don't want to be the one behind the wheel
Let someone else take control
Drive me to my next destination
Choose each road to ride on, less bumpy then my usual
When I drive myself it's scary
The driver can't be trusted
She swerves
Parks double spaced
Crashes more than others
Loses control and is unable to see where she'll end
It's better to sit aside and let some one else take on the challenge
Some days, when the sun is glaring into my eyes
I don't see past the next hill
I close my eyes lightly
Imagining flying
Off into the sun and living a bright life
I actually fly out out my lane and shake so bad it's bothersome
I let go and keep pushing my foot forward
Another step, another place to be
I don't want to be here
But I gain my stability again, and slow into my way
Which ever way I end up, be careful if I pass
This is actually about my life/... I'm a bad driver
196 · Sep 2017
When They Look
JasFow Sep 2017
Green eyes
Speckled with lies
Trying to hide the truth
Sundresses above the knee
Trying to catch an eye
Crooked smile with gapped front teeth
Charming all who see
Dyed hair
Black underwear
That shows when the wind blows high
Freckles hidden under foundation
Lipstick that's too bright
Unmatched socks
Old enough to be anything
Still choosing her youth
Cuts that have healed into scars
Blend into the pale
Skin that's soft to the touch
No one knows how she loves
Always gazing at men
That can never be hers
She falls for every heart
Look again and see if you see the same girl
What do you see?
196 · Oct 2017
Trust Me
JasFow Oct 2017
Next time someone says trust me
Don't believe a word they say
They're lying
They'll take what you give them
And twist it every way they can
Squeezing out all the bad
Exposing it for what you don't see
Putting it against you
Making you regret you said a thing
Don't let the tears escape you
Not while they watch
Let it all evaporate
And move on until the memory is lost
Don't be a fool
You can trust no one
Not even yourself
If you had to question their intentions
It's a secret meant for someone else
Friends are friends until you realize they're not
195 · Jan 2019
JasFow Jan 2019
We've talked
I said it
You listened
I held my breath
You sighed
Releasing what I can't believe
You feel the same
Just as confused
But you also have been used
Both bruised from our past
You started crying
It probably wasn't the best response
I smiled
You loved me too
Somehow I already knew
Terrified of what you would say
I almost never said anything
Going on everyday
Pretending I felt nothing
You knew
Too smart for you not to
Now I wonder somedays
If you feel it still
Has it gone away with the time
We share a home now
Three soft children we keep warm
You know I will never cause you harm
We're perfect
They all see it
Telling us
We laugh it away casually
But why are we laughing
It's true
I can see it now
Me and You
It's okay, it's alright
I know you can't be just mine
Is it so wrong for me to say
You can go to them anyway
I'll look the other way
Just come home to me
Say I love you, again.
Is it really as complicated as we make it out to be?
193 · Aug 2017
Late Phone Calls
JasFow Aug 2017
"I'm sorry" doesn't stop the tears
The sobs that release from my open mouth
Gaping and trying to hold in the truth  
My fingers grazing above my lips don't contain the sounds very well
"I love you" wants to escape me
But I trap it and hold on for dear life
For if it fought its way out, it would cause more pain than relief
"We can never be" echos in my ears
Don't apologize for telling me the truths we've been avoiding
The darkness surrounding me stays, eyes open or closed
I just wish I could hear, "I love you too."
But there was silence after I couldn't fight the quiet any longer
Stop calling if you don't want me to pick up....
192 · Aug 2019
It’s a lie
JasFow Aug 2019
There’s a man with a smile that is infectious
His laugh makes you think what you said is actually funny
Brown eyes look not through you, but into you
189 · May 2019
Just this Once
JasFow May 2019
Held back smiles
Catching eyes
Loving the way you never lie
Continuing to wish you
Would lie to me

Say you
Love me more
188 · Aug 2019
Euphoria Can’t Be Found
JasFow Aug 2019
Watching shows like Euphoria
Zendaya’s character speaks wisdom
Years beyond me
It feels good and hurts at the same time
Listening to her talk about
Everything I’ve been through or I’m facing
What’s going to inevitably coming my way
A lot hurts
But so much is numb at the same time
I wish the one person I feel is my family
Doesn’t want to hug me when I need it the most
They have their reasons
I just wish they felt my ache when I don’t feel their touch
Each day that passes without the simplest thing
Pushes me more
Towards letting go of the wheel at full speed
Kids these days like to say “just send it”
I think about that a lot
Maybe then it’ll all hurt less
180 · Sep 14
I Am Well Aware
JasFow Sep 14
I'm never going to apologize
For making you feel better
When you were with me
Than the person you'd lie to
Daily saying I love you, too
When your lips told me at night
The same, against mine, in dim light
I don't regret giving you euphoria
Though you chose them again
I've become comfortable
Being the other one
The shower of true love and lust
Unafraid to embrace my power
A desire that radiates
To those that cant be obtained
I become a magnet
For those that remain unavailable
A curse I carry with me
Each year as I become more aware
Of the power and pain I hold
180 · Jul 2017
Leave me
JasFow Jul 2017
A shirt with a note
My nickname in bad cursive
Tucked away in my car
Holding onto what we never had
Fantasies that drove me wild
Sailing through dreams off the drug of your touch
A wife keeps you moving
I keep you smiling
I told you to leave me
So do it
173 · Oct 2019
Question from a Cheater
JasFow Oct 2019
Someone please
Tell me this
Am I the one cheating
If I gave out a kiss
I have no lover
Not a woman nor man
That holds me at night
I’m no part of any plan
Yet they come to me
Seeking relief
Of a pain I’m unable to see
But I feel their tears
As they fall on my shoulders
While I hug them tightly
I lean back to say I’m sorry
That they feel this way
Before I can release my words
Their lips touch mine softly
Time and time again
I stand in awe
Unaware of how so many
See the sign, I must have
Saying I have the healing element
To take away the sorrow
I’ve learned I simply make it worse
Turning to me for a sweet taste of joy
They imagined in the moment
That I never meant to have
So I know what they’d say
As I turn away
“She’s a cheater and a thief”
Not me, I swear, I’d never
Yet, here I stand, not knowing
Am I the cheater as well?
Is it really that bad?
172 · Apr 2017
Acid Drops
JasFow Apr 2017
Rain doesn't feel the same as it once did
It now burns my skin
Making it impossble to walk outside
My head stays drifted down to the cracks I walk over
If I keep pretending that the rolling pills don't  hurt
My mind won't wonder to giving in
Letting the drop lull off my eyelashes
Falling into my colorless pupils
Accepting the blind world of acid
169 · Apr 6
White Boy
JasFow Apr 6
I dreamt of a lover who held me closely
Who would look me in the eyes
Fearless of the connections our souls made
Letting me peer so deeply into them
Knowing full well no matter what I saw
I would keep them safe and adore them
With my entire existence
I believe I finally found you
When I forgot that I had been looking
Not considering you as an option
You took over my every thought
Blinding me from what was all around
All I could perceive was your essence
It was all consuming
Starting with your subtle smiles and winks
Turning into invitations that brought me
To parties I'd never be invited to
Making memories my mind struggles to hold
With the alcohol that you handed me
I'd eventually follow to the back
Being slipped a kiss that had to be kept quiet
Over time, I fell into the perfect trap
You caught me, flushed and smirking
My heart was racing, beating faster, faster, faster
You brought me to your home
Showing me a side of you not many knew
You weren't just a privileged rich kid
You were smart beyond belief
Kind and gentle, respectful and patient
Confusing what I had been told before
Letting go of all of my preconceived thoughts
You were someone brand new
Unknowing of my past, unafraid to learn
I knew your past, but there was much more
Everything changed so quickly
Wanting more, I probably did too much
Text, drunk call, Snap, drunk FaceTime
You answered them all smiling
You're beautiful on the outside
Blue eyed, tall, muscular, handsome
But also inside, listening to my every word
Absorbing it all and making an effort
Telling you all of the good and the bad
You accommodated and I did the same
Now here I am
Wanting to give you everything
My all; heart, mind, and body
I tell you daily with a kiss to follow
I love you
Knowing you love me back
Time doesn't matter when the right amount of love is used.
164 · Jul 30
Hollow Autumn Days
JasFow Jul 30
Sometimes no matter how many people you have around you, there’s an emptiness is the air you breathe
A chill runs down your spine, making it difficult to stand straight like they tell you to
To block out the thoughts of pain that drains out the tears, I think about my favorite time of the year
The crisp breeze in the air over the dry warm day, stepping on piles of crunchy leaves
Remembering when I read books outside, the descriptive words that took me to a new location
Being able to escape the jarring echoes of my mind, wandering into a light haven for the time being
While the environment becomes more brisk and wants to lift my spirits, it reminds me it'll fade to a cold end
22 years strong and there's not much else the reminds me that good memories were made, but will there be more
One can only hope on a late October evening
I can't wait for Halloween
161 · Feb 2019
Window Seals
JasFow Feb 2019
When I first was taken away
I didn’t like to speak
I had nothing left in me to say
My biding was done
So most days from sun up to sun down
I sat at the dining room table
Surrounded by large windows
Letting in natural light eliminating the house
I sat and looked out the windows
Facing out the to the East
The large field grew tall with unkept grass
The trees barely blocking anything
Green everywhere in sight
And horses
Real horses running around in their yard
Not a mile across
Spending hours sitting, looking out
I’m not sure what for
I wasn’t searching for anything
Just glancing out with scratched glasses
Not focusing on any one thing
Mostly using the time to think
If things went any different
If what it was, wasn’t
If what would be, wouldn’t
Doing so for almost three years
But it now feels like a waste
It didn’t change a thing
Foster care is still foster care in the end
Now a part of my past
Thank God it didn’t last
And thank you to my now parents
For the adoption
As long as I had my sister with me, nothing else mattered.
153 · Aug 2017
JasFow Aug 2017
She read our words \
Couldn't hear our thoughts
How you hold me so tightly in your mind
Kissing in our dreams to songs no one else hears
Months passed freely loving the images we made up
Us far away in a castle
Keeping warm by the heat from our desires
/ She wasn't meant to know
Nothing is easy anymore, but we keep trying...
149 · Jul 29
Is it meant to be?
JasFow Jul 29
Everything feels exhilarating
Until you can't feel anything at all
You see the sparkle in hiding in their pupils
Wanting to shine just for you
But it fades before it reaches the top
It all fades to a numbness
That aches in your bones at night
Unable to put it to words
Hoping they see that your in pain
They turn the other way
Not knowing how to read the crystal ball
They have yet to find within
So back to the voices
That only echo's within your skull
Telling you there isn't a future
With the one you love the most
Because the love is for the now
Felt from duck 'til dawn
Leaving an open space somewhere inside
That can't be filled with what's present
The internal conversation continues
The fear you didn't know you possessed
Taking over and drowning everything in its path
How can you make a future with this love?
If it would only turn around and harm you in the end
The whistle tones vibrate to the core
The outside voices might be right
It's not meant to be
Why can't you see the future you seek?
It's not meant to be.
145 · Jun 2019
Stop Questioning
JasFow Jun 2019
There are certain things you can’t question in life
Like why you are loved
Even when you feel you don’t deserve it
Why you have a beautiful home and good job you worked hard for
Yet feel like you didn’t work hard enough
Why friends hold your hand and hug you on days you feel like you should be left behind
Why you continue to push and survive
After your mind has fought it almost every day
To end the pain that rumbles not only under your temples
But in your heart as it bleeds dry
Why you still smile, with all the torture you’ve faced
Why you continue to laugh after you’ve lost your voice to stand up for yourself
Why you are still here in spite of what you’ve attempted.
There’s a reason and millions of answers
You may never get the answers you want, but know not to question it
It’ll just take time away from you going and living the life you’ve been given
Go and live and love
Love life without questioning it
138 · Oct 2017
JasFow Oct 2017
I'm so tired I could drift away
Forgetting the realities that discourage my continuing
I'm tired of...
the lies I tell every day.
'No, I don't like anyone.'
'Yes, I feel just fine.'
'I had a good day today.'
'It's okay, there's always next time.'
'Oh... that's no one.'
'Yeah, I have a lot of friends.'
'I can do it all on my own.'
I can't really
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