I wish I could explain to you how my heart changes
Daily\ by the minute
When I see you across the way,
my view obscured by a wall; which seems fitting
A wall seems to keep us apart [endlessly]
Your end or mine
Its easier, we agree
What is it that keeps me so far you ask?
ME
There is something surrounding my heart
Malleable and breathing
Alive and keeping me together somehow
I've let it open a few times
To let someone in, to let you in.
But every time, without fail, something changes
You got to my heart and it burned in the most beautiful light
Coming in, you made it good, and happiness was real
It was when you left that things got bad
I left myself open for too long and lost myself over time
Bits and pieces fell out slowly, scattering itself
Now my heart is incomplete, more so than usual
I'm not blaming you
I souly point the finger at myself
I shouldn't have opened up to begin with
You want me to be honest and transparent,
but since closing back up, my heart has turned dark and mucky
Unable to be seen through clearly
I try to be honest, but  the current truths get blindsided by the past lies
I don't mean to do all the damage I caused
To you or me
I wish this was a real apology, for I know it changes nothing
Me continuing to be closed off
I’m sorry.

i prefer to have them watch me
its better than them not to notice
now do you understand
the short shirts and ***** shorts
see through tops show bras with no underwire
eyebrows filled in and lips filled with lip liner
ive become unaware of my volume
speaking loud enough to show my power
why should i hide
wanting to make a hero i made a monster at the same time
the names labeling me are more than likely true
i don't fear the looks they give
they almost fuel me to stand taller and show a bit more
say what you must
your words will feed my lust

one night when i was younger
i went to the cabinet
and grabbed what wasnt mine
downed the whole bottle
and swallowed 30 times
laid down on the cold bed frame
left a kiss on my sisters pillow
closed my eyes to sleep
and hoped for no tomorrow
woke up the next evening
not understanding i was still here
no one noticed the day i had missed
no person shed a tear
i continued the next day
as if nothing ever happened
now i continue with a fake happiness
because its a waste of time to be saddened

There's something 'bout Halloween
That lights a part of my heart
Usually feeling dormant and chilled
Warms a few degrees above
The falling temperature outside
An Autumn fog comes and fills my mind
Early in the morning when I wake
Its the only time of the year
That I remember being happier
Throughout my childhood
Somehow we always had enough to dress up
Wear socks with holes
With poking toes in too small shoes
Running as fast as my faltering lungs could take me
Door by door on the least scary night
At least for me
For my greatest fears, I faced everyday
In my own home where I feared closing my eyes
I go back, "Trick or Treat", I'd repeat
Knowing anything I'm handed is a treat in itself
Never wanting to go back to the darkest house
Even once all light posts turned off
It's still my favorite

I travel all over the state
Different jobs, never the same hotel
Always alone in my bed
This week I reddened from the sun
First visit to the beach
Mini vacation to forget what’s in my head
Then I invite him in my room
Both drunk from downing cheap spirits
Scared of the outcome I still say come in
We watch tv and make small talk
An hour passes and we lay side by side
He looks at me and we both know
Under the influence our smiles match
A touch of my leg, his hand is gentle
We hug and he leaves for his room
Not ten minutes pass and I invite him back
All I offer is to cuddle
My face still warm from the burn
I changed to shorts and a cropped sweater
He joins me back and lays in my bed
His arm is comforting around me
Turning to look at him I realize he’s not
who I have been seeing
He is all the bad
But also good that he hides
I can’t remember if I did or if he did
We lean in and his lips are soft
His tongue opens my smile and I accept it
Fitting perfectly in his side I wrap around
His legs entangled with mine
Pulling me closer he grabs me tenderly
It’s another man in love with someone else
Yet here I am being held in his strong arms
Falling back, I remind him of his other
Admitting it’s complicated we just hold each other
A silent kiss is shared once more
He escapes back
The feeling of his hands rubbing my back echos my mind
Kissing my forehead while my eyes are closed, it remains
We’ll act as if it never happened
I’ll live with the memory and try to hate him less at work
Now back home we go
What a trip.

Is it really that bad
Resonating the thoughts
Pushed down my throat
Years of pain and darkness
Holding on to something
Just doesn’t feel right
But if I let it go
It didn’t happen, did it?
We let the demons share my bed
I held hands with the Devil herself
She made me touch
******* not allowed to leave
A board having full control
Hello for any entry.
No “God forbid”
For God was forbidden
Goodbye to exit the conversation
Tears dripping down my cheeks
Open mouthed and silent
Catching the drips, containing the screams
Light didn’t exist in that house
Now I’m in a different house
One of a person named Lord
Not too sure if it’s the right place just yet
As the people who live here also knock me down
I’m not allowed to love
For when I do, they see straight through, as I am transparent.
I won’t hide the colors I found
For the light that reflect my heart now shows every depth tone of the rainbow.
So do I turn back to the blackness that grew me.
Or do I stay in the light and fight
I’m not sure yet which ones feels right

I want to see your smile everyday
keep that upward glance to me
you want to cry
the pain is too much,
what are the options?
one or two, that'll be with you
not understanding whats happening
where do I go from here
been lost for weeks
only words of others calm my raging thoughts
days pass without feeling your warmth
craving your hands
anywhere
everywhere
lips to hold my thoughts
caught on the fact that I need your kiss
bite my bottom pink lip
sing a song of heart and fear
reality is what I need to hear
do you want a me+you
or choose to let me grow
i'm trapped by your love
take off the ring
and let me hear you sing to me
edges of your mouth turned up
shakes and a shiver runs up my spine
every time you smile.

My Dear ******,
You held my brain high before I saw into your eyes
My lips demand a bite when you laugh
Everyday, wearing a new dress to impress us all
Flats, sandles, heels, barefoot on the ground asking to be picked up
Spun and handled with worn, warm hands
But you look away when someone admires
As everyone does, they want the love your heart hold to be theirs
I want to kiss your top and love your bottom soul too
You look younger than you are and you wear it well
Told me from the beginning, you don't feel the same as others
That I definitely could tell
Just when I think this is all a dream that a bad man keeps
Our lips share a moment
And I'm reminded why I was warned about you

If someone remains in your mind
Are they meant to be there
Are they intruding
Or did you invite them in

If a heart becomes vacant
How long does one wait
Before allowing another in
How does one choose their fate

There's no question
Of whether they're wanted
A warmth reminds the heart
Of the power they once held

They speak once after months
Flooding your every thought
Remember why there was silence
But the silence is broken now

Is it too soon to go for a walk
Maybe grasp their arm when you laugh
Not being alone for more than two weeks
Craving the touch of the one you never had

Their name pops up at the mention
As if their ears were burning
At the very moment
Manifestation working for once

Now if only Love and Desire
could be manifested instead

I met him in the same store
Wearing the same uniform
A very similar smile on his lips
And a story also identical
I even heard they’re friends
Both men who I would wink at
And giggle to their jokes
I was the only joke there
Neither one can ever know
But after falling
Living a love hidden away
Being ripped apart and crushing my soul
Almost two years have passed
And he’s still with his wife
It’s like I was never there
It never happened, I didn’t exist
He got to keep going
I had to restart, again
Now in an almost different life time
I’m talking to the other
He’s kinder and more respectful
But could it be different
He keeps a line he won’t cross
The first never drew lines
He’s responsible and knows better
Deep down I want to find out
Could something more come
Of our coffee drinks and long talks
Silky screen shot photos
Sweet messages of how we deserve more
I want this to be different.
Maybe he will leave his wife
Before he presses against me for a kiss
Before he tells me I’m his only real love
Before i believe him
Before his wife finds out
Before everyone knows
Before I’m a ****, again
Before I’m thrown away
Before
Please, let this be different

The laugh catches me, low and high
Lips that aren't meant to be mine, carrying me away
Eyes tunneling through me, while I try to see past the surface  
Pupils dilating, heart picking up speed
A laugh brings me a smile
Her scent sends me to a place I didn't know existed
I feel a warmth cross my cheeks as I pull her closer
Her hand brushes the side of my face
She knows I blush when she does this to me
One more touch of the lips on my forehead
I melt completely in her arms
Just an inch taller, I lean into her
She laughs again, this time softly
Finding the center of my back
A light back and forth eases me
I no longer fear what I'm feeling
I've dreamt of this longer than I was aware

Here, sitting outside
The breeze makes a chill
Balancing the heated shining sun
The fountains down below this porch keep spraying high
My hair, that's short and dark now,is new to the light and wind
The strands move in a new wave
My earbuds play songs only heard in unknown movies
I don't need other eyes to be on me to feel seen
Pigeons fly around the bell tower
Sure, the bee sitting across the table from me isn't much company
But he listens to my typed words and buzzes to the beat
That's all I need
In my mind I don't desire to be rushed away
I'm fine here
Nowhere special
Gazing at he Chapel beyond the hill
Thanks be given to the flowers that make the bushes seem bigger than they are
And the third story window of the building next door that remains open though no one's home
Right where I need to be is here
Alone on an empty campus typing poems no one reads

I'm not afraid to honk when people get to close
Alarming them of the mistake they're about to make
Don't get closer, for there's a crash awaiting just around the turn
If you get as close to touch me, there is no small tap
I crumble and implode completely
Too weak to take the hit
I leak all that's in me, not able to move again
Yelling when they frustrate me
Throwing concerns into the wind
How can people go through so carelessly
No seat belt to secure who they are
Running red lights to get what they want
Taking the risk, and usually getting away with it/
It's disgusting
Terrifying me to the point where
I don't want to be the one behind the wheel
Let someone else take control
Drive me to my next destination
Choose each road to ride on, less bumpy then my usual
When I drive myself it's scary
The driver can't be trusted
She swerves
Speeds
Parks double spaced
Crashes more than others
Loses control and is unable to see where she'll end
It's better to sit aside and let some one else take on the challenge
Some days, when the sun is glaring into my eyes
I don't see past the next hill
I close my eyes lightly
Imagining flying
Off into the sun and living a bright life
I actually fly out out my lane and shake so bad it's bothersome
I let go and keep pushing my foot forward
Another step, another place to be
I don't want to be here
But I gain my stability again, and slow into my way
Which ever way I end up, be careful if I pass

We've talked
I said it
You listened
I held my breath
You sighed
Releasing what I can't believe
You feel the same
Just as confused
But you also have been used
Both bruised from our past
You started crying
It probably wasn't the best response
I smiled
You loved me too
Somehow I already knew
Terrified of what you would say
I almost never said anything
Going on everyday
Pretending I felt nothing
You knew
Too smart for you not to
Now I wonder somedays
If you feel it still
Has it gone away with the time
We share a home now
Three soft children we keep warm
You know I will never cause you harm
We're perfect
They all see it
Telling us
We laugh it away casually
But why are we laughing
It's true
I can see it now
Me and You
It's okay, it's alright
I know you can't be just mine
Is it so wrong for me to say
You can go to them anyway
I'll look the other way
Just come home to me
Say I love you, again.

Watching shows like Euphoria
Zendaya’s character speaks wisdom
Years beyond me
It feels good and hurts at the same time
Listening to her talk about
Everything I’ve been through or I’m facing
What’s going to inevitably coming my way
A lot hurts
But so much is numb at the same time
I wish the one person I feel is my family
Doesn’t want to hug me when I need it the most
They have their reasons
I just wish they felt my ache when I don’t feel their touch
Each day that passes without the simplest thing
Pushes me more
Towards letting go of the wheel at full speed
Kids these days like to say “just send it”
I think about that a lot
Maybe then it’ll all hurt less

Next time someone says trust me
Don't believe a word they say
They're lying
They'll take what you give them
And twist it every way they can
Squeezing out all the bad
Exposing it for what you don't see
Putting it against you
Making you regret you said a thing
Don't let the tears escape you
Not while they watch
Let it all evaporate
And move on until the memory is lost
Don't be a fool
You can trust no one
Not even yourself
If you had to question their intentions
It's a secret meant for someone else

When I first was taken away
I didn’t like to speak
I had nothing left in me to say
My biding was done
So most days from sun up to sun down
I sat at the dining room table
Surrounded by large windows
Letting in natural light eliminating the house
I sat and looked out the windows
Facing out the to the East
The large field grew tall with unkept grass
The trees barely blocking anything
Green everywhere in sight
And horses
Real horses running around in their yard
Not a mile across
Spending hours sitting, looking out
I’m not sure what for
I wasn’t searching for anything
Just glancing out with scratched glasses
Not focusing on any one thing
Mostly using the time to think
If things went any different
If what it was, wasn’t
If what would be, wouldn’t
Doing so for almost three years
But it now feels like a waste
It didn’t change a thing
Foster care is still foster care in the end
Now a part of my past
Thank God it didn’t last
And thank you to my now parents
For the adoption

Green eyes
Speckled with lies
Trying to hide the truth
Sundresses above the knee
Trying to catch an eye
Crooked smile with gapped front teeth
Charming all who see
Dyed hair
Black underwear
That shows when the wind blows high
Freckles hidden under foundation
Lipstick that's too bright
Hightops
Unmatched socks
Old enough to be anything
Still choosing her youth
Cuts that have healed into scars
Blend into the pale
Skin that's soft to the touch
No one knows how she loves
Always gazing at men
That can never be hers
She falls for every heart
Look again and see if you see the same girl

Rain doesn't feel the same as it once did
It now burns my skin
Making it impossble to walk outside
My head stays drifted down to the cracks I walk over
If I keep pretending that the rolling pills don't  hurt
My mind won't wonder to giving in
Letting the drop lull off my eyelashes
Falling into my colorless pupils
Accepting the blind world of acid

Someone please
Tell me this
Am I the one cheating
If I gave out a kiss
I have no lover
Not a woman nor man
That holds me at night
I’m no part of any plan
Yet they come to me
Seeking relief
Of a pain I’m unable to see
But I feel their tears
As they fall on my shoulders
While I hug them tightly
I lean back to say I’m sorry
That they feel this way
Before I can release my words
Their lips touch mine softly
Time and time again
I stand in awe
Unaware of how so many
See the sign, I must have
Saying I have the healing element
To take away the sorrow
I’ve learned I simply make it worse
Turning to me for a sweet taste of joy
They imagined in the moment
That I never meant to have
So I know what they’d say
As I turn away
“She’s a cheater and a thief”
Not me, I swear, I’d never
Yet, here I stand, not knowing
Am I the cheater as well?

There are certain things you can’t question in life
Like why you are loved
Even when you feel you don’t deserve it
Why you have a beautiful home and good job you worked hard for
Yet feel like you didn’t work hard enough
Why friends hold your hand and hug you on days you feel like you should be left behind
Why you continue to push and survive
After your mind has fought it almost every day
To end the pain that rumbles not only under your temples
But in your heart as it bleeds dry
Why you still smile, with all the torture you’ve faced
Why you continue to laugh after you’ve lost your voice to stand up for yourself
Why you are still here in spite of what you’ve attempted.
There’s a reason and millions of answers
You may never get the answers you want, but know not to question it
It’ll just take time away from you going and living the life you’ve been given
Go and live and love

I'm never going to apologize
For making you feel better
When you were with me
Than the person you'd lie to
Daily saying I love you, too
When your lips told me at night
The same, against mine, in dim light
I don't regret giving you euphoria
Though you chose them again
I've become comfortable
Being the other one
The shower of true love and lust
Unafraid to embrace my power
A desire that radiates
To those that cant be obtained
I become a magnet
For those that remain unavailable
A curse I carry with me
Each year as I become more aware
Of the power and pain I hold

It's time to quit.
On:
School
Friends
Work
Life in general.
Even all the little things...
On dreams made by really good books
with characters you wish were real
Movies where the set seems warm and cozy
feeling like your actually there
Wishes tossed by coins
into a fountain that never stops
Groups that make you laugh uncontrollably
until your pink faced and lightheaded
Hearing your favorite song play in the background
of a store that only your ears notice
Smiling at your family as they tell you they're proud
from the next best accomplishment
....
All of this will be lost.

My Anxiety is odd
It’s not like how others describe it in the books
I don’t tremble in a large group
I radiate, never hesitating to cause a laugh
I don’t stress and fidget in front of a crowd
I stand taller and have no fear of what’s to come
It’s when I’m alone, that’s when it happens
Sitting, isolated from the rest
Shopping, waiting, walking from A to B
I can’t help but shake
Overthinking every move I make
Breathing deeply and frail at the same time
A panic attack around the corner
Standing idly, awaiting the brutality
Hitting me in the gut, taking my breath
Being ruthless as it watches me fall
When I realize I’m out of control
It sneaks in, startling me and I’m unable
To shake off the lightheadedness that comes
From holding in the large tears and suffocating the sobs
As someone who doesn’t know their own volume
I silence
Happening less and less over the last few years
I’m more at ease with the self awareness
It’s just hard to comprehend
Why so many crave to be alone

Everything feels exhilarating
Until you can't feel anything at all
You see the sparkle in hiding in their pupils
Wanting to shine just for you
But it fades before it reaches the top
It all fades to a numbness
That aches in your bones at night
Unable to put it to words
Hoping they see that your in pain
They turn the other way
Not knowing how to read the crystal ball
They have yet to find within
So back to the voices
That only echo's within your skull
Telling you there isn't a future
With the one you love the most
Because the love is for the now
Felt from duck 'til dawn
Leaving an open space somewhere inside
That can't be filled with what's present
The internal conversation continues
The fear you didn't know you possessed
Taking over and drowning everything in its path
How can you make a future with this love?
If it would only turn around and harm you in the end
The whistle tones vibrate to the core
The outside voices might be right
It's not meant to be
Why can't you see the future you seek?
It's not meant to be.

Those three words
They feel like they solidify something
The meaning is greater than the phrase
I desire to say it
Every time we hold each others glance
When ours breaths are rhythmic
Fingertips gracefully grazing our outlines
When I breath in your smell
Making my butterflies become ravenous
In the morning when you kiss my forehead
Waking me with a smile, every time
The evenings where you guide me by pulling my hand and holding me close
Nightfall after nightfall, you laugh gently, saying I’m so pretty.
I’ve never been told I’m so pretty this many times
You alone have surpassed every other one combined
With every moment when there’s a silence, I just feel peace and safety
No wonder of how you feel, no hesitation
Not a second of second guessing
You see me and I want to tell you
I see you and I want to tell you
The three words so many say so freely
I’m not afraid of saying it
And I know I will one day soon
But something holds me back as I reflect on every past time I’ve said it
I’m not afraid you won’t say it back
But scared you will, and won’t mean it, as they did before
You’ll smile and not wait before repeating my words, but do you feel the yearning and pull to my soul
As I do to yours
Does your heart ache when I’m not near, as I dread when I’m without you
Will you say it and change your mind in a month
Can you say it and understand why I said it first
Are you waiting to say it too
Are you afraid, as I am
Or do you not feel it yet.
Do you not fear I’ll run away, the moment it falls from your voice.
Do you hold onto it because it’s not your time to release it
Do you fear I’ll say it too soon
Do you not want to say it
Would you like me not to say it
Would you tell me not to say it
If you knew I wanted to tell you right now
Holding your hand, giggling under my blankets
If I said it
Would you say it
Would you mean it
I love you