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JasFow 4d
The cinematics only show what the director wants you to see
I dream of that much control over what people consume of me
Exposed to the highest transparency with no filters
Hiding in plain sight for the audience to judge
Choice by choice, knowing I can't hide the mistakes
Holding in the tears that slip out in between sharp breaths
My smile only fades when I'm alone in my car
Sobs escaping as I reach for end of the film
Waiting for a "The End" to come through the dark screen
It just keeps shifting to a new shade of blue
Another sad story about to unfold to be absorbed
Whoever the director is of my film needs to cut to the credits
No more to be seen
Nothing left
Faded to black
JasFow Feb 2021
I've stopped trying
Not in the way that causes you
to fear that I won't be here in the morning
Rather in the sense that I no longer
constantly strain myself to be someone else
I'd cry myself into naps that brought nightmares
My mind would fade into a fog
I couldn't find my way out of  
Staring at a tree that slanted in the field
that became the neighbors new home
Silent screams stayed loud in my head
Bringing migraines I couldn't calm

It wasn't until last month that I realized all the pain
that's followed me, every year, since I left
has been carried along by myself, without wanting
Trying to keep alive the persona
of the perfect daughter
The precious mind of a broken survivor
Trying to make believe that the girl
I introduced you to was real
Trying to manifest my mental illness to no longer exist
Bringing to life a pain worse
than the physical bruises I hid so well

Tried and failed
What's left is who was trying to not drown
Who hid away in fear of rejection
In fear of being smothered in hate again
Rising to the surface
This is my real reflection
I'm telling you now
Stopped trying
Just be
I feel like I'm seeing myself for the first time and understanding true love. I love myself.
JasFow Sep 2020
I'm never going to apologize
For making you feel better
When you were with me
Than the person you'd lie to
Daily saying I love you, too
When your lips told me at night
The same, against mine, in dim light
I don't regret giving you euphoria
Though you chose them again
I've become comfortable
Being the other one
The shower of true love and lust
Unafraid to embrace my power
A desire that radiates
To those that cant be obtained
I become a magnet
For those that remain unavailable
A curse I carry with me
Each year as I become more aware
Of the power and pain I hold
JasFow Aug 2020
There's something 'bout Halloween
That lights a part of my heart
Usually feeling dormant and chilled
Warms a few degrees above
The falling temperature outside
An Autumn fog comes and fills my mind
Early in the morning when I wake
Its the only time of the year
That I remember being happier
Throughout my childhood
Somehow we always had enough to dress up
Wear socks with holes
With poking toes in too small shoes
Running as fast as my faltering lungs could take me
Door by door on the least scary night
At least for me
For my greatest fears, I faced everyday
In my own home where I feared closing my eyes
I go back, "Trick or Treat", I'd repeat
Knowing anything I'm handed is a treat in itself
Never wanting to go back to the darkest house
Even once all light posts turned off
It's still my favorite
Halloween will always be important to me.
JasFow Aug 2020
The juice falling from a sweet nectarine as lips work hard to catch the drips
Licking up time, enjoying the sweet sweet taste
Something about lips to lips makes it taste all the better
Holding onto everything, not shying away
A dream of pure ecstasy
Finding love and happiness
JasFow Aug 2020
Some Angels are Blue they say
Flying higher and faster than any others
Sky rocketing towards a sun they cant see past
I sat on the roof of my childhood house
Watching, mesmerized, focused on the #12
That number zooms farther and faster than the rest
Always my favorite number
Years later I met that pilot
Just too hear he died the next week
I didn't know when I was just watching
Imagining myself in the **** with that person
Someone so brave and brilliant
While I was scared I'd fall from the 9 foot fall
Terrified, I held on to small lips of the shingles
Shaking each time a plane got close
Being just a few miles away, the house shook each time
I cried a lot that day
Sobbing silently as my emotions overthrew me
I sat petrified, but determined to be in the sky
The smell of sweet smoke filled the air from a small grill
It distracted me as tears fell
Focused on the light in my eyes,
I didn't have to worry about if my mother would switch
She was doing good
Sober for a few weeks strong, it could change at any moment
The ladder ledged against the house rumbled
Frequent with each stretch of the sky rockets passing
This was one of the best days I hold in my memory
I can see my little sister sitting beside me
Telling me not to be scared as she holds my hand
I wish to never forget
While I miss it, I would never go back
JasFow Aug 2020
I've been considering crying for a few hours \

I haven't, but I'm trying to hold it in the best I can.
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