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JasFow Jul 30
So much time has passed
Yet so little life has been lived
Oh how life's changed to now
JasFow Jul 2017
a week passes within twenty minutes
my mind scrambles from the peripherals
car rides that make me sleepy
waiting to reach a new destination
you drive the roads twice day to day
once on the way to me
another to take you to an empty home
yet to be moved in
either you've lost your mind
taking the time to bring me another smile
for only a minute can we touch
or you care as much as you repeat yourself
you do
more than you should
singing keeps the silence broken
2 hours is a long time
distancing ourselves from the new truths
i think i love you
Daily reminder;  I won't find someone better than you.
JasFow Apr 2017
Rain doesn't feel the same as it once did
It now burns my skin
Making it impossble to walk outside
My head stays drifted down to the cracks I walk over
If I keep pretending that the rolling pills don't  hurt
My mind won't wonder to giving in
Letting the drop lull off my eyelashes
Falling into my colorless pupils
Accepting the blind world of acid
JasFow Aug 6
The laugh catches me, low and high
Lips that aren't meant to be mine, carrying me away
Eyes tunneling through me, while I try to see past the surface  
Pupils dilating, heart picking up speed
A laugh brings me a smile
Her scent sends me to a place I didn't know existed
I feel a warmth cross my cheeks as I pull her closer
Her hand brushes the side of my face
She knows I blush when she does this to me
One more touch of the lips on my forehead
I melt completely in her arms
Just an inch taller, I lean into her
She laughs again, this time softly
Finding the center of my back
A light back and forth eases me
I no longer fear what I'm feeling
I've dreamt of this longer than I was aware
I hope I find her one day
JasFow Aug 27
There's something 'bout Halloween
That lights a part of my heart
Usually feeling dormant and chilled
Warms a few degrees above
The falling temperature outside
An Autumn fog comes and fills my mind
Early in the morning when I wake
Its the only time of the year
That I remember being happier
Throughout my childhood
Somehow we always had enough to dress up
Wear socks with holes
With poking toes in too small shoes
Running as fast as my faltering lungs could take me
Door by door on the least scary night
At least for me
For my greatest fears, I faced everyday
In my own home where I feared closing my eyes
I go back, "Trick or Treat", I'd repeat
Knowing anything I'm handed is a treat in itself
Never wanting to go back to the darkest house
Even once all light posts turned off
It's still my favorite
Halloween will always be important to me.
JasFow Apr 2019
I’m in love with a gay man
I guess that’s better than the married man
Or the other one
Or the girl who was homophobic
Or the man who just got out of jail,
10 years older than I was at 19
I’m in love with a gay man
Knowing full well he’ll never be mine
With his boyfriend by his side
He still doesn’t leave my mind
You see, I loved him before he came out
That doesn’t change a thing
I’m in love with a gay man
It probably doesn’t help we live together
He’s my best friend
The human that makes my half a whole
Ive had him in my life for a few years now I hope to keep him until we’re grey and old
I’m in love with a gay man
I know what you’re going to say
They’re are plenty of fish in the sea
There is someone out there waiting for me
That simply just isn’t the truth
Still working on pushing my feelings away
I’m in love with a gay man
There will never be another just like him
Knowing all my flaws, loving me despite
I can’t imagine anyone else to hug and say goodnight
He knows how I’ll respond before I do myself
He’s my second half, the better without a doubt
I’m in love with a gay man
And I know he’ll live an amazing life
With/without me, the same
I’ll always see his gorgeous smile when I hear his name
One day I’ll find a love that will sadly always come second
to the love I feel/will have felt for him
Best friend, I love you.
JasFow May 2019
For a moment there
I thought there was a chance
We could somehow meet in the middle
And find our perfect romance

With the jokes, the laughs, the smiles
You made me feel like no one other
Developing those memories
Gave me life to run all those miles

Before there was you
I never really knew
Then you opened the door
To show that there was more

I was lost, not knowing which way to turn
You taught me you don’t always need to know, to know, which way to go
And you can go both ways
JasFow Aug 4
Coming through a fogged over window
A slight chilled mist on the air when you open it
It's those old memories echoing from before
The fall of yellow orange turned leaves
Not just yet crunchy
I feel the breeze coming through
You handing me a hot mug of honey sweetened tea
A brief kiss landing upon my head
Leaning back to look at you
I take in the steam now coming from my hands
This is all I dreamt of since we met
Yet then you were consumed in another's heart
Never seeing this far in the future
Your warmed hand placed softly on my shoulder
I let the light reflect off the glass into my eyes
Its early and breathtaking
JasFow Oct 2017
I've completely lost my mind
Every thought I have is another about a boy\
A man I saw by a moment ago
At work, in school, on the TV, in the movies
What the hell is wrong with me
I can't go a day without imagining them in someway
Yes, I'm a human and it's natural and alright\
But i'm starting to get worried
I'm staying up late reading books, with perfect men, all night
There's something inside me that draws me in
Maybe its the way they smell or how they know how to grin
All types of hair, any color of the skin, every sparkling eye
I never seem to win
One day I hope one falls for me as easily I do them
Maybe then I'd feel less crazy
And start to enjoy a normal life again
I like the thought that one day a boy will like me as much as I like them.
JasFow Feb 23
I’ve never lost a soul
Who’s stood beside me
Propelling me forward
Driving me to keep moving
Yet, now I have
From a metal cylinder
In the shed we wrote our names in
My best friend and I
Losing a man
Who played father to us both
My mind has a power
That I sometimes wish it didn’t
I see all that I hear
Envisioning even the worst of thoughts
Seeing it all
Even the blood that I haven’t seen
Yet it stains my brain
A scene that doesn’t exist in my head
Replays on a reel that I want gone
Burnt out of my eyes
Because they’re still drowning
Overflowing into my face of stone
I’m sorry to be so blunt
Morbid, detailed, and dark
But I needed it written
Out of my mind
So I can be freed of the images
JasFow Apr 2017
You introduced me to Charles Bukowski
Not realizing I would fall in love with this raunchy old man
For a time, only his words could put me to sleep
You understood that though
Telling me that if this terrible man had the chance
He could tell me anything to get me in bed
No matter how resistant and headstrong, you know, I am  
But something crossed my mind
This man full of lust, poetry, and ***** is my worst nightmare
I’m trying my hardest still to avoid all that he is
The lust that has yet to entangle me
Poetry that’s warped my thoughts into lines and stanzas
And the ***** that’s instilled fear in me, I don’t want it near me
All that he is, I want far, far, far away
But I love him and his raw words
The letters he put together to form words
Lines, stanzas, poems
I’m too far gone in love with his mind
Good thing he’s not still alive
I really would be in trouble then
So, I sit and read his deep dark desires in an open book
Hoping you won’t be mad I can’t love you the same
For you’re the man who introduced me
To the man that wouldn't love me
JasFow Jun 2019
I travel all over the state
Different jobs, never the same hotel
Always alone in my bed
This week I reddened from the sun
First visit to the beach
Mini vacation to forget what’s in my head
Then I invite him in my room
Both drunk from downing cheap spirits
Scared of the outcome I still say come in
We watch tv and make small talk
An hour passes and we lay side by side
He looks at me and we both know
Under the influence our smiles match
A touch of my leg, his hand is gentle
We hug and he leaves for his room
Not ten minutes pass and I invite him back
All I offer is to cuddle
My face still warm from the burn
I changed to shorts and a cropped sweater
He joins me back and lays in my bed
His arm is comforting around me
Turning to look at him I realize he’s not
who I have been seeing
He is all the bad
But also good that he hides
I can’t remember if I did or if he did
We lean in and his lips are soft
His tongue opens my smile and I accept it
Fitting perfectly in his side I wrap around
His legs entangled with mine
Pulling me closer he grabs me tenderly
It’s another man in love with someone else
Yet here I am being held in his strong arms
Falling back, I remind him of his other
Admitting it’s complicated we just hold each other
A silent kiss is shared once more
He escapes back
The feeling of his hands rubbing my back echos my mind
Kissing my forehead while my eyes are closed, it remains
We’ll act as if it never happened
I’ll live with the memory and try to hate him less at work
Now back home we go
What a trip.
Im not sure what is happening but I’m just going with it all.
JasFow Aug 2017
She read our words \
Couldn't hear our thoughts
How you hold me so tightly in your mind
Kissing in our dreams to songs no one else hears
Months passed freely loving the images we made up
Us far away in a castle
Keeping warm by the heat from our desires
/ She wasn't meant to know
Nothing is easy anymore, but we keep trying...
JasFow Aug 2019
I didn’t mean to
No one ever does
Yet I’m falling for another
Someone who can’t be mine
Being smarter this time
Refusing to feel more
Because the moment I do
That’s when the pain rolls
Breaking the waves of clarity
Nothing will make sense again
Heart crumbled into dust
I won’t let myself fall
At least not all the way
Until they decide
It takes time and I know that. It’s just the duration in between that is annoying as I wait for the decision.
JasFow Apr 2019
Is it really that bad
Resonating the thoughts
Pushed down my throat
Years of pain and darkness
Holding on to something
Just doesn’t feel right
But if I let it go
It didn’t happen, did it?
We let the demons share my bed
I held hands with the Devil herself
She made me touch
******* not allowed to leave
A board having full control
Hello for any entry.
No “God forbid”
For God was forbidden
Goodbye to exit the conversation
Tears dripping down my cheeks
Open mouthed and silent
Catching the drips, containing the screams
Light didn’t exist in that house
Now I’m in a different house
One of a person named Lord
Not too sure if it’s the right place just yet
As the people who live here also knock me down
I’m not allowed to love
For when I do, they see straight through, as I am transparent.
I won’t hide the colors I found
For the light that reflect my heart now shows every depth tone of the rainbow.
So do I turn back to the blackness that grew me.
Or do I stay in the light and fight
I’m not sure yet which ones feels right
Changing from a Satanist to a Christian
JasFow Jul 30
If someone remains in your mind
Are they meant to be there
Are they intruding
Or did you invite them in

If a heart becomes vacant
How long does one wait
Before allowing another in
How does one choose their fate

There's no question
Of whether they're wanted
A warmth reminds the heart
Of the power they once held

They speak once after months
Flooding your every thought
Remember why there was silence
But the silence is broken now

Is it too soon to go for a walk
Maybe grasp their arm when you laugh
Not being alone for more than two weeks
Craving the touch of the one you never had

Their name pops up at the mention
As if their ears were burning
At the very moment
Manifestation working for once

Now if only Love and Desire
could be manifested instead
I'm no less confused as I was 4 years ago, just more comfortable with it/
JasFow Sep 2017
I'm not afraid to honk when people get to close
Alarming them of the mistake they're about to make
Don't get closer, for there's a crash awaiting just around the turn
If you get as close to touch me, there is no small tap
I crumble and implode completely
Too weak to take the hit
I leak all that's in me, not able to move again
Yelling when they frustrate me
Throwing concerns into the wind
How can people go through so carelessly
No seat belt to secure who they are
Running red lights to get what they want
Taking the risk, and usually getting away with it/
It's disgusting
Terrifying me to the point where
I don't want to be the one behind the wheel
Let someone else take control
Drive me to my next destination
Choose each road to ride on, less bumpy then my usual
When I drive myself it's scary
The driver can't be trusted
She swerves
Parks double spaced
Crashes more than others
Loses control and is unable to see where she'll end
It's better to sit aside and let some one else take on the challenge
Some days, when the sun is glaring into my eyes
I don't see past the next hill
I close my eyes lightly
Imagining flying
Off into the sun and living a bright life
I actually fly out out my lane and shake so bad it's bothersome
I let go and keep pushing my foot forward
Another step, another place to be
I don't want to be here
But I gain my stability again, and slow into my way
Which ever way I end up, be careful if I pass
This is actually about my life/... I'm a bad driver
JasFow Oct 2017
It's time to quit.
Life in general.
Even all the little things...
On dreams made by really good books
with characters you wish were real
Movies where the set seems warm and cozy
feeling like your actually there
Wishes tossed by coins
into a fountain that never stops
Groups that make you laugh uncontrollably
until your pink faced and lightheaded
Hearing your favorite song play in the background
of a store that only your ears notice
Smiling at your family as they tell you they're proud
from the next best accomplishment
All of this will be lost.
JasFow Feb 2019
you dont remember but i do
nights that occur time and time again
you tell me you love me
eyes looking into mine
i have to turn away because i know its not real
at least not entirely
our feelings are the same
but you can only show yours when
you wont remember the next morning
its frustrating and infuriating
we cuddle we kiss we hold each others hand
its not as if it didnt happen
its not like none of it is real
just fragments dont fit together the best way
your warmth gives me goose bumps
my neck still feels your lips
then the day after you slide away
when i sit too close you push
is it all me
im i that repulsing
you told me im beautiful
that was the first time i really believed it
somehow its all gone now
when you look at me i wonder
what part of me looks the worst
should i run my fingers through my hair
should i smile a little bit differently
if i wear this perfume will he not move over
will he tell me i look beautiful again
i feel insane even bothering
because youre just my best friend
It's simple, I love you.
JasFow Apr 2019
I’m not ashamed
To speak The gibberish
The foul thoughts
Mixed with the pure dreams
Censored mind crafts
Fables of my tongue
All of the words I speak
No fear slips along
I stand up too tall
Throwing words too fast
Getting in trouble more than I’d like
But I don’t stop
Shouting louder as I catch more eyes
This is the way a motion is made
JasFow May 2019
Years pass and they all seem gone
Endless wars I never won
Therapy told me not to forget
Somehow I still lost them like a bet
Only appearing in mid wake
Sweating and I jolt and awake
It wasn't fair she could get past the bars
After the endless trauma she gave me with scars
Do other children fear their givers the same
So petrified at night they cry at the thought of their name
The alcohol that molded me into the demon that follows
Doesn't erase my past, but still makes me hollow
My mind is beyond being ****** up by me
It was already ruined by my pure reality
God, counseling, medication, drugs
Nothing is healing me as much as a hug
Simple request of a woman torn apart
Being dragged on pavement scraping my heart
Blood left showing my path
I prayed hoping to be freed of the wrath
Bad decisions/some call it luck
All is painful and seems worse than being hit by a semi truck
Theres no savior or bandaid that seals the wound
Suffering this heat with hopefully end it all soon
JasFow Aug 2019
When I was younger I popped pills
Handed out baggies with tabs and stems
Snatched twenties by the handful
From a wallet of someone I barely knew
Yet told to call her Mother
Therapy didn’t teach me anything
But to make sure homework was turned in
They didn’t catch the bottles I hid
Under my pillow late at night beside the butcher knife
Happiness was only in the movies
And occasionally in my dreams as I drifted off seven pills deep
If I slept long enough I didn’t have to listen to the screams
No pain inflicted if I didn’t do what was demanded with the demons
Hunger didn’t exist so it was okay there was no food
As long as I was asleep
Never knowing when I would wake and no one cared to check
I slept on floors of peoples’ homes I never learned their names
Just emptied my bag and took the capsules they had
Falling asleep yet again
I was numb to the bad **** my friends were going through
One was ***** and another used as an object at thirteen
But the people didn’t seem that mean
They let me sleep another day away
No one noticed I overdosed.. not an eye fluttered when I didn’t wake up the next morning after that one bad day at school
... or through the day
... then that evening I woke up like it was nothing but a long nap
Throwing up blood, I chose to never take a pill again
Even if that meant I never got to sleep again
, though I took random pills from people when I could at school
I never lost control
I just wanted a ******* escape.
Replacing my sleep with tv shows
The lives of people I wanted to be
Escaping my reality
JasFow Aug 2019
Watching shows like Euphoria
Zendaya’s character speaks wisdom
Years beyond me
It feels good and hurts at the same time
Listening to her talk about
Everything I’ve been through or I’m facing
What’s going to inevitably coming my way
A lot hurts
But so much is numb at the same time
I wish the one person I feel is my family
Doesn’t want to hug me when I need it the most
They have their reasons
I just wish they felt my ache when I don’t feel their touch
Each day that passes without the simplest thing
Pushes me more
Towards letting go of the wheel at full speed
Kids these days like to say “just send it”
I think about that a lot
Maybe then it’ll all hurt less
JasFow May 2019
It's not a question anymore
Of whether or not you love me
If you'd bleed a drop from your eyes
Watching me cry a pain that's silent
When the showers water remains cold
You'd warm me with your fingertips
Enough to settle each goosebump
Pushing the fears I hold into a different palm
Cuts don't numb me as they once did
Bites distract for only a moment
Snaps of a band sting for 7 seconds exactly
Burning sips take me away
I forget reality, then its too late to return
Your love shadows and shades the scars
I almost felt healed and completed again
Then when you kiss him, stitches start to unravel
Feeling each tug of whatever is holding me together
Ripping harder by the movement
Each thigh grab, rub of the neck, hug from behind
The love you have for me is there, no question
Now it's different from what it once was
I used to see you as a God, controlling me every breath
You never asked for it, but managed it as if you did
That was before him
Before he showed you a different type of love
Where you didn't have to hide
We were almost perfect,
With a squint of both eyes and the lights turned off
Now I sit waiting for the sting,
as your Love for him poisons me
JasFow Jul 30
JasFow Oct 2017
one night when i was younger
i went to the cabinet
and grabbed what wasnt mine
downed the whole bottle
and swallowed 30 times
laid down on the cold bed frame
left a kiss on my sisters pillow
closed my eyes to sleep
and hoped for no tomorrow
woke up the next evening
not understanding i was still here
no one noticed the day i had missed
no person shed a tear
i continued the next day
as if nothing ever happened
now i continue with a fake happiness
because its a waste of time to be saddened
middle school ******
JasFow Jan 2019
We've talked
I said it
You listened
I held my breath
You sighed
Releasing what I can't believe
You feel the same
Just as confused
But you also have been used
Both bruised from our past
You started crying
It probably wasn't the best response
I smiled
You loved me too
Somehow I already knew
Terrified of what you would say
I almost never said anything
Going on everyday
Pretending I felt nothing
You knew
Too smart for you not to
Now I wonder somedays
If you feel it still
Has it gone away with the time
We share a home now
Three soft children we keep warm
You know I will never cause you harm
We're perfect
They all see it
Telling us
We laugh it away casually
But why are we laughing
It's true
I can see it now
Me and You
It's okay, it's alright
I know you can't be just mine
Is it so wrong for me to say
You can go to them anyway
I'll look the other way
Just come home to me
Say I love you, again.
Is it really as complicated as we make it out to be?
JasFow Jul 30
Sometimes no matter how many people you have around you, there’s an emptiness is the air you breathe
A chill runs down your spine, making it difficult to stand straight like they tell you to
To block out the thoughts of pain that drains out the tears, I think about my favorite time of the year
The crisp breeze in the air over the dry warm day, stepping on piles of crunchy leaves
Remembering when I read books outside, the descriptive words that took me to a new location
Being able to escape the jarring echoes of my mind, wandering into a light haven for the time being
While the environment becomes more brisk and wants to lift my spirits, it reminds me it'll fade to a cold end
22 years strong and there's not much else the reminds me that good memories were made, but will there be more
One can only hope on a late October evening
I can't wait for Halloween
JasFow Sep 14
I'm never going to apologize
For making you feel better
When you were with me
Than the person you'd lie to
Daily saying I love you, too
When your lips told me at night
The same, against mine, in dim light
I don't regret giving you euphoria
Though you chose them again
I've become comfortable
Being the other one
The shower of true love and lust
Unafraid to embrace my power
A desire that radiates
To those that cant be obtained
I become a magnet
For those that remain unavailable
A curse I carry with me
Each year as I become more aware
Of the power and pain I hold
JasFow Apr 2019
Can. I. Ask. You. A. Question?
How. Do. You. See. Me?
What. Do. Your. Eyes. Focus. On?

smile i fake
eyes green speckled gold
brows carved to a point
lipstick smudged
teeth gapped but still showing

blue dye
black split ends
subtle ***** blonde roots

small ****, wanting to be breast
at times with no bra

tight clothes
all parts show
skin more scared of being hidden

petite shape
booming voice
a laugh that infects a crowd

Which. Part. Of. Me. Draws. You. In?
Will. You. Let. Me. Know?
Do. You. Desire. To. Be. My. Next. Sin?
JasFow May 2019
i prefer to have them watch me
its better than them not to notice
now do you understand
the short shirts and ***** shorts
see through tops show bras with no underwire
eyebrows filled in and lips filled with lip liner
ive become unaware of my volume
speaking loud enough to show my power
why should i hide
wanting to make a hero i made a monster at the same time
the names labeling me are more than likely true
i don't fear the looks they give
they almost fuel me to stand taller and show a bit more
say what you must
your words will feed my lust
JasFow May 2019
Time doesn't seem to change much of reality for me
The sun rises in the morning, but my room remains dark
Setting in the evening, it all feels the same
All the risks I've taken have led me to this
No home, no family, no hope
The man with a wife didn't care for me, no matter how many "I Love You"s were muttered and spoken
While I was burning from the fire that was thrown at me, they went on their way and here I stay, entrapped by cage of nothingness
It wasn't real, but maybe it's better this way
My friend from before became my everything and best companion
A best friend can come from anywhere
While we both feel pain in our hearts from different people, we understand how life can be bitter
But she threw me away all the same
I can encase myself in a world where all is well and my closest comrade shares my feelings and understands my sorrows, just to move to another day
The birds singing before dawn may sound like a new beginning symbolizing something bright unseen
My bleeding ears only catch a buzzing that stings and foreshadows the **** that is to come
But I deny it existing and thrive in a bubble of make believe
It carries me to tomorrow
JasFow Apr 10
Is it too graphic to say I want you inside of me again?
Is it too ****** to say I need your hands touching me?
Is it too ***** to say I desire your lips on mine below?
Tell me, where is the line?  
If I scream your name in my mind, can you hear it?
Feeling your fingers pull on my longing hair,
I close my eyes, feeling you enter me deeper;
Into my heart.
Is this a deeper form of love?
I don't care anymore, I love him.
JasFow Jul 29
Everything feels exhilarating
Until you can't feel anything at all
You see the sparkle in hiding in their pupils
Wanting to shine just for you
But it fades before it reaches the top
It all fades to a numbness
That aches in your bones at night
Unable to put it to words
Hoping they see that your in pain
They turn the other way
Not knowing how to read the crystal ball
They have yet to find within
So back to the voices
That only echo's within your skull
Telling you there isn't a future
With the one you love the most
Because the love is for the now
Felt from duck 'til dawn
Leaving an open space somewhere inside
That can't be filled with what's present
The internal conversation continues
The fear you didn't know you possessed
Taking over and drowning everything in its path
How can you make a future with this love?
If it would only turn around and harm you in the end
The whistle tones vibrate to the core
The outside voices might be right
It's not meant to be
Why can't you see the future you seek?
It's not meant to be.
JasFow Aug 2019
There’s a man with a smile that is infectious
His laugh makes you think what you said is actually funny
Brown eyes look not through you, but into you
JasFow Aug 14
I've been considering crying for a few hours \

I haven't, but I'm trying to hold it in the best I can.
JasFow May 2019
Held back smiles
Catching eyes
Loving the way you never lie
Continuing to wish you
Would lie to me

Say you
Love me more
JasFow Jul 30
Top and Bottom lip
Both completely different and odd alone
Yet feel so perfect when they meet mine
Together/pressed soft yet firm
JasFow Aug 2017
"I'm sorry" doesn't stop the tears
The sobs that release from my open mouth
Gaping and trying to hold in the truth  
My fingers grazing above my lips don't contain the sounds very well
"I love you" wants to escape me
But I trap it and hold on for dear life
For if it fought its way out, it would cause more pain than relief
"We can never be" echos in my ears
Don't apologize for telling me the truths we've been avoiding
The darkness surrounding me stays, eyes open or closed
I just wish I could hear, "I love you too."
But there was silence after I couldn't fight the quiet any longer
Stop calling if you don't want me to pick up....
JasFow Jul 2017
A shirt with a note
My nickname in bad cursive
Tucked away in my car
Holding onto what we never had
Fantasies that drove me wild
Sailing through dreams off the drug of your touch
A wife keeps you moving
I keep you smiling
I told you to leave me
So do it
JasFow Aug 5
Blocking out so many memories
Is the only thing that keeps me moving
It’s too hard to know what’s real
Memories seem fake or forced
But I know they were real
No one wants to think back to their past
And only feel fear and sorrow
The feeling that the lone thoughts of joy
Are fabricated
Dreams I created to make it seem better
To make it as if it wasn’t that bad
Like the pain my sister and I endured
Wasn’t all just make believe
Nightmares that curated my reality of the past
System fails as I try to catch my breath
Heat racing a beat faster each tick
Pitch black walls with curtains on top
I wish sometimes it was all a bad dream
Maybe then when I woke in a sweat
I wouldn't have to suppress the screams
JasFow Aug 2017
My Dear ******,
You held my brain high before I saw into your eyes
My lips demand a bite when you laugh
Everyday, wearing a new dress to impress us all
Flats, sandles, heels, barefoot on the ground asking to be picked up
Spun and handled with worn, warm hands
But you look away when someone admires
As everyone does, they want the love your heart hold to be theirs
I want to kiss your top and love your bottom soul too
You look younger than you are and you wear it well
Told me from the beginning, you don't feel the same as others
That I definitely could tell
Just when I think this is all a dream that a bad man keeps
Our lips share a moment
And I'm reminded why I was warned about you
From the other side, its just as strange.
JasFow Mar 13
Have I ever told you of the time
When my mother told me she loved me,
And I last truest believed it?
It was so long ago,
I couldn’t tell you how old I was
When I heard those words.
Over the years of therapy
The surroundings have faded just enough
That I can see my childhood home
But none of the details.
Which is probably for the better, after all.
I see her sitting up in bed,
Kind of drifting but it’s still her.
I wonder now if she was really there,
Or if something was turned off inside.
Now I’m unsure.
But there she is,
And she turns to me and says the sentence
That everyone desires to hear.
“I love you”
I don’t even recall if she said my name.
Then she smiled at me.
That’s where the memory ends,
Nothing before or after.
Just a vision I have
Through a younger me, alone,
Standing in the hallway
With her usually shut door wide open.
I wish I could say I ran to her.
I wish I could say she turned to me
With open welcoming arms.
That she hugged me and held me
For a second longer than I needed,
But just the second longer that I wanted.
I can almost smell her natural scent
Sweet but slightly musky.
It’s odd to think back to this
Knowing that many years came after,
Without a single moment of tenderness.
But I just wanted to share that with you,
So that you understand, why I say it so often.
To know why I want you
To always mean it, when it’s said.
Because I can tell the difference,
And I can’t be the only one.
Its also why I have to be
Undoubtedly sure before I say it,
To anyone.
What if one day, someone thought back
To a moment with me and questioned
If I meant what I said?  
I never would want anyone to feel that,
The emptiness that chills over your soul.
That’s why, right now,
I need you to hear these words.
I Love You
And know, I mean it.
Mother, I don’t know if I’ll ever miss you.
JasFow Oct 2017
She holds her own hand
Sweaty and cold
Shaking with a quiver only she can see
Green eyes echoing back and forth
She feels everyone else watching
Even when no none notices her
A sip of coffee satisfies nothing
A bite of the lip only helps momentarily
The pain distracts little by little
But the fear stays
Extrovert when convenient
Introvert when the other is needed
Smiling to everyone but herself
She cries to herself in the mirror
One moment, laughing enough to cause a crowd to join
Next, sitting quietly, chewing her inner cheek
Not a fear passes as she walks across a stage
But trembles as her paper is read aloud
Her best enemy lives within her head
She's living with Anxiety
My stomach makes me feel like I'm sick as I sit alone in an empty room, feeling judged by the "no one" there
JasFow Aug 2019
My Anxiety is odd
It’s not like how others describe it in the books
I don’t tremble in a large group
I radiate, never hesitating to cause a laugh
I don’t stress and fidget in front of a crowd
I stand taller and have no fear of what’s to come
It’s when I’m alone, that’s when it happens
Sitting, isolated from the rest
Shopping, waiting, walking from A to B
I can’t help but shake
Overthinking every move I make
Breathing deeply and frail at the same time
A panic attack around the corner
Standing idly, awaiting the brutality
Hitting me in the gut, taking my breath
Being ruthless as it watches me fall
When I realize I’m out of control
It sneaks in, startling me and I’m unable
To shake off the lightheadedness that comes
From holding in the large tears and suffocating the sobs
As someone who doesn’t know their own volume
I silence
Happening less and less over the last few years
I’m more at ease with the self awareness
It’s just hard to comprehend
Why so many crave to be alone
I never want to be alone
JasFow Jun 2019
I met him in the same store
Wearing the same uniform
A very similar smile on his lips
And a story also identical
I even heard they’re friends
Both men who I would wink at
And giggle to their jokes
I was the only joke there
Neither one can ever know
But after falling
Living a love hidden away
Being ripped apart and crushing my soul
Almost two years have passed
And he’s still with his wife
It’s like I was never there
It never happened, I didn’t exist
He got to keep going
I had to restart, again
Now in an almost different life time
I’m talking to the other
He’s kinder and more respectful
But could it be different
He keeps a line he won’t cross
The first never drew lines
He’s responsible and knows better
Deep down I want to find out
Could something more come
Of our coffee drinks and long talks
Silky screen shot photos
Sweet messages of how we deserve more
I want this to be different.
Maybe he will leave his wife
Before he presses against me for a kiss
Before he tells me I’m his only real love
Before i believe him
Before his wife finds out
Before everyone knows
Before I’m a ****, again
Before I’m thrown away
Please, let this be different
I made a mistake before, please don’t let this be the same
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