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Sep 14 · 180
I Am Well Aware
JasFow Sep 14
I'm never going to apologize
For making you feel better
When you were with me
Than the person you'd lie to
Daily saying I love you, too
When your lips told me at night
The same, against mine, in dim light
I don't regret giving you euphoria
Though you chose them again
I've become comfortable
Being the other one
The shower of true love and lust
Unafraid to embrace my power
A desire that radiates
To those that cant be obtained
I become a magnet
For those that remain unavailable
A curse I carry with me
Each year as I become more aware
Of the power and pain I hold
Aug 27 · 128
All Hallows Eve
JasFow Aug 27
There's something 'bout Halloween
That lights a part of my heart
Usually feeling dormant and chilled
Warms a few degrees above
The falling temperature outside
An Autumn fog comes and fills my mind
Early in the morning when I wake
Its the only time of the year
That I remember being happier
Throughout my childhood
Somehow we always had enough to dress up
Wear socks with holes
With poking toes in too small shoes
Running as fast as my faltering lungs could take me
Door by door on the least scary night
At least for me
For my greatest fears, I faced everyday
In my own home where I feared closing my eyes
I go back, "Trick or Treat", I'd repeat
Knowing anything I'm handed is a treat in itself
Never wanting to go back to the darkest house
Even once all light posts turned off
It's still my favorite
Halloween will always be important to me.
Aug 18 · 101
JasFow Aug 18
The juice falling from a sweet nectarine as lips work hard to catch the drips
Licking up time, enjoying the sweet sweet taste
Something about lips to lips makes it taste all the better
Holding onto everything, not shying away
A dream of pure ecstasy
Finding love and happiness
Aug 17 · 99
Soaring Blue Angels
JasFow Aug 17
Some Angels are Blue they say
Flying higher and faster than any others
Sky rocketing towards a sun they cant see past
I sat on the roof of my childhood house
Watching, mesmerized, focused on the #12
That number zooms farther and faster than the rest
Always my favorite number
Years later I met that pilot
Just too hear he died the next week
I didn't know when I was just watching
Imagining myself in the **** with that person
Someone so brave and brilliant
While I was scared I'd fall from the 9 foot fall
Terrified, I held on to small lips of the shingles
Shaking each time a plane got close
Being just a few miles away, the house shook each time
I cried a lot that day
Sobbing silently as my emotions overthrew me
I sat petrified, but determined to be in the sky
The smell of sweet smoke filled the air from a small grill
It distracted me as tears fell
Focused on the light in my eyes,
I didn't have to worry about if my mother would switch
She was doing good
Sober for a few weeks strong, it could change at any moment
The ladder ledged against the house rumbled
Frequent with each stretch of the sky rockets passing
This was one of the best days I hold in my memory
I can see my little sister sitting beside me
Telling me not to be scared as she holds my hand
I wish to never forget
While I miss it, I would never go back
Aug 14 · 76
I wanted to tell you
JasFow Aug 14
I've been considering crying for a few hours \

I haven't, but I'm trying to hold it in the best I can.
Aug 10 · 241
You helped me do This.
JasFow Aug 10
Pockets of Summer rain
Drift me away from all this pain
Clouding my eyes then I can't see right
Please take my hearing and sight
Everything that's thrown at me
Causes me more tears
I used to fear being alone
That went away this year
Comfortable in discomfort
I tore my own skin
Sewed myself together again
This time I won't let it scar
I'm going to heal my heart
I'm ready to keep this pain to help me grow again.
Aug 6 · 331
A Laugh Starts It
JasFow Aug 6
The laugh catches me, low and high
Lips that aren't meant to be mine, carrying me away
Eyes tunneling through me, while I try to see past the surface  
Pupils dilating, heart picking up speed
A laugh brings me a smile
Her scent sends me to a place I didn't know existed
I feel a warmth cross my cheeks as I pull her closer
Her hand brushes the side of my face
She knows I blush when she does this to me
One more touch of the lips on my forehead
I melt completely in her arms
Just an inch taller, I lean into her
She laughs again, this time softly
Finding the center of my back
A light back and forth eases me
I no longer fear what I'm feeling
I've dreamt of this longer than I was aware
I hope I find her one day
Aug 5 · 335
Looking Back
JasFow Aug 5
Blocking out so many memories
Is the only thing that keeps me moving
It’s too hard to know what’s real
Memories seem fake or forced
But I know they were real
No one wants to think back to their past
And only feel fear and sorrow
The feeling that the lone thoughts of joy
Are fabricated
Dreams I created to make it seem better
To make it as if it wasn’t that bad
Like the pain my sister and I endured
Wasn’t all just make believe
Nightmares that curated my reality of the past
System fails as I try to catch my breath
Heat racing a beat faster each tick
Pitch black walls with curtains on top
I wish sometimes it was all a bad dream
Maybe then when I woke in a sweat
I wouldn't have to suppress the screams
Aug 4 · 128
Beams of Light
JasFow Aug 4
Coming through a fogged over window
A slight chilled mist on the air when you open it
It's those old memories echoing from before
The fall of yellow orange turned leaves
Not just yet crunchy
I feel the breeze coming through
You handing me a hot mug of honey sweetened tea
A brief kiss landing upon my head
Leaning back to look at you
I take in the steam now coming from my hands
This is all I dreamt of since we met
Yet then you were consumed in another's heart
Never seeing this far in the future
Your warmed hand placed softly on my shoulder
I let the light reflect off the glass into my eyes
Its early and breathtaking
Jul 30 · 474
JasFow Jul 30
So much time has passed
Yet so little life has been lived
Oh how life's changed to now
JasFow Jul 30
Change of Season and Change of Myself
I lost the family I had
Move in with a boy, treat life like a toy
Something to just have fun with
Get drunk to forget, it happens everytime
Hope that one day I'll find a love to be mine
Jul 30 · 21
Stay You
JasFow Jul 30
There’s so much
I’d never change
Including the parts
That drive me insane
How you smile
Your laugh
The silly noises you make
The jokes you tell
How you give
When you cook
Your judgmental glances
The way you love men
How you'd never love me the same
But you love me none the less
Jul 30 · 36
Kiss ME
JasFow Jul 30
Top and Bottom lip
Both completely different and odd alone
Yet feel so perfect when they meet mine
Together/pressed soft yet firm
Jul 30 · 164
Hollow Autumn Days
JasFow Jul 30
Sometimes no matter how many people you have around you, there’s an emptiness is the air you breathe
A chill runs down your spine, making it difficult to stand straight like they tell you to
To block out the thoughts of pain that drains out the tears, I think about my favorite time of the year
The crisp breeze in the air over the dry warm day, stepping on piles of crunchy leaves
Remembering when I read books outside, the descriptive words that took me to a new location
Being able to escape the jarring echoes of my mind, wandering into a light haven for the time being
While the environment becomes more brisk and wants to lift my spirits, it reminds me it'll fade to a cold end
22 years strong and there's not much else the reminds me that good memories were made, but will there be more
One can only hope on a late October evening
I can't wait for Halloween
Jul 30 · 271
JasFow Jul 30
JasFow Jul 30
If someone remains in your mind
Are they meant to be there
Are they intruding
Or did you invite them in

If a heart becomes vacant
How long does one wait
Before allowing another in
How does one choose their fate

There's no question
Of whether they're wanted
A warmth reminds the heart
Of the power they once held

They speak once after months
Flooding your every thought
Remember why there was silence
But the silence is broken now

Is it too soon to go for a walk
Maybe grasp their arm when you laugh
Not being alone for more than two weeks
Craving the touch of the one you never had

Their name pops up at the mention
As if their ears were burning
At the very moment
Manifestation working for once

Now if only Love and Desire
could be manifested instead
I'm no less confused as I was 4 years ago, just more comfortable with it/
Jul 29 · 149
Is it meant to be?
JasFow Jul 29
Everything feels exhilarating
Until you can't feel anything at all
You see the sparkle in hiding in their pupils
Wanting to shine just for you
But it fades before it reaches the top
It all fades to a numbness
That aches in your bones at night
Unable to put it to words
Hoping they see that your in pain
They turn the other way
Not knowing how to read the crystal ball
They have yet to find within
So back to the voices
That only echo's within your skull
Telling you there isn't a future
With the one you love the most
Because the love is for the now
Felt from duck 'til dawn
Leaving an open space somewhere inside
That can't be filled with what's present
The internal conversation continues
The fear you didn't know you possessed
Taking over and drowning everything in its path
How can you make a future with this love?
If it would only turn around and harm you in the end
The whistle tones vibrate to the core
The outside voices might be right
It's not meant to be
Why can't you see the future you seek?
It's not meant to be.
Apr 10 · 250
JasFow Apr 10
Is it too graphic to say I want you inside of me again?
Is it too ****** to say I need your hands touching me?
Is it too ***** to say I desire your lips on mine below?
Tell me, where is the line?  
If I scream your name in my mind, can you hear it?
Feeling your fingers pull on my longing hair,
I close my eyes, feeling you enter me deeper;
Into my heart.
Is this a deeper form of love?
I don't care anymore, I love him.
Apr 6 · 169
White Boy
JasFow Apr 6
I dreamt of a lover who held me closely
Who would look me in the eyes
Fearless of the connections our souls made
Letting me peer so deeply into them
Knowing full well no matter what I saw
I would keep them safe and adore them
With my entire existence
I believe I finally found you
When I forgot that I had been looking
Not considering you as an option
You took over my every thought
Blinding me from what was all around
All I could perceive was your essence
It was all consuming
Starting with your subtle smiles and winks
Turning into invitations that brought me
To parties I'd never be invited to
Making memories my mind struggles to hold
With the alcohol that you handed me
I'd eventually follow to the back
Being slipped a kiss that had to be kept quiet
Over time, I fell into the perfect trap
You caught me, flushed and smirking
My heart was racing, beating faster, faster, faster
You brought me to your home
Showing me a side of you not many knew
You weren't just a privileged rich kid
You were smart beyond belief
Kind and gentle, respectful and patient
Confusing what I had been told before
Letting go of all of my preconceived thoughts
You were someone brand new
Unknowing of my past, unafraid to learn
I knew your past, but there was much more
Everything changed so quickly
Wanting more, I probably did too much
Text, drunk call, Snap, drunk FaceTime
You answered them all smiling
You're beautiful on the outside
Blue eyed, tall, muscular, handsome
But also inside, listening to my every word
Absorbing it all and making an effort
Telling you all of the good and the bad
You accommodated and I did the same
Now here I am
Wanting to give you everything
My all; heart, mind, and body
I tell you daily with a kiss to follow
I love you
Knowing you love me back
Time doesn't matter when the right amount of love is used.
Mar 13 · 84
My Lovey
JasFow Mar 13
Have I ever told you of the time
When my mother told me she loved me,
And I last truest believed it?
It was so long ago,
I couldn’t tell you how old I was
When I heard those words.
Over the years of therapy
The surroundings have faded just enough
That I can see my childhood home
But none of the details.
Which is probably for the better, after all.
I see her sitting up in bed,
Kind of drifting but it’s still her.
I wonder now if she was really there,
Or if something was turned off inside.
Now I’m unsure.
But there she is,
And she turns to me and says the sentence
That everyone desires to hear.
“I love you”
I don’t even recall if she said my name.
Then she smiled at me.
That’s where the memory ends,
Nothing before or after.
Just a vision I have
Through a younger me, alone,
Standing in the hallway
With her usually shut door wide open.
I wish I could say I ran to her.
I wish I could say she turned to me
With open welcoming arms.
That she hugged me and held me
For a second longer than I needed,
But just the second longer that I wanted.
I can almost smell her natural scent
Sweet but slightly musky.
It’s odd to think back to this
Knowing that many years came after,
Without a single moment of tenderness.
But I just wanted to share that with you,
So that you understand, why I say it so often.
To know why I want you
To always mean it, when it’s said.
Because I can tell the difference,
And I can’t be the only one.
Its also why I have to be
Undoubtedly sure before I say it,
To anyone.
What if one day, someone thought back
To a moment with me and questioned
If I meant what I said?  
I never would want anyone to feel that,
The emptiness that chills over your soul.
That’s why, right now,
I need you to hear these words.
I Love You
And know, I mean it.
Mother, I don’t know if I’ll ever miss you.
Feb 23 · 29
Broken Mind
JasFow Feb 23
I’ve never lost a soul
Who’s stood beside me
Propelling me forward
Driving me to keep moving
Yet, now I have
From a metal cylinder
In the shed we wrote our names in
My best friend and I
Losing a man
Who played father to us both
My mind has a power
That I sometimes wish it didn’t
I see all that I hear
Envisioning even the worst of thoughts
Seeing it all
Even the blood that I haven’t seen
Yet it stains my brain
A scene that doesn’t exist in my head
Replays on a reel that I want gone
Burnt out of my eyes
Because they’re still drowning
Overflowing into my face of stone
I’m sorry to be so blunt
Morbid, detailed, and dark
But I needed it written
Out of my mind
So I can be freed of the images
Oct 2019 · 173
Question from a Cheater
JasFow Oct 2019
Someone please
Tell me this
Am I the one cheating
If I gave out a kiss
I have no lover
Not a woman nor man
That holds me at night
I’m no part of any plan
Yet they come to me
Seeking relief
Of a pain I’m unable to see
But I feel their tears
As they fall on my shoulders
While I hug them tightly
I lean back to say I’m sorry
That they feel this way
Before I can release my words
Their lips touch mine softly
Time and time again
I stand in awe
Unaware of how so many
See the sign, I must have
Saying I have the healing element
To take away the sorrow
I’ve learned I simply make it worse
Turning to me for a sweet taste of joy
They imagined in the moment
That I never meant to have
So I know what they’d say
As I turn away
“She’s a cheater and a thief”
Not me, I swear, I’d never
Yet, here I stand, not knowing
Am I the cheater as well?
Is it really that bad?
Aug 2019 · 252
Tyler Downs, 13 Reasons Why
JasFow Aug 2019
His emotions rollercoastered
Up and down, in a loop
Unable to see the next turn
I was there
He simply said “It’s nice having friends”
And I bursted into tears
Not realizing how true
It is
He felt the person he was could never be loved
I felt the just the same
Violent, hurt, hateful, alone
Rock bottom pushed all of it to the surface
Then things changed
I was no longer time
But a better version of myself
One who understood pain can go away
A smile can come back
And be real when thought impossible
I cut myself like their words cut my soul
I was reckless hoping something would crash
I swallowed pills, one after another
Blocking the ability to feel anything
Then someone said it’s okay
Even though they saw all the bruises
They hugged me despite the rugged surface
Not pulling away; squeamish
From my tears running down their shoulder
Knowing the darkness that surround me
They held my hand and pulled me along
Wanting me to fight
When I gave up years ago
He kept moving because of friends
That forced him to believe it was worth it
And I felt the same
From people i was surprised knew my name
So thank you to those people
Who played sports when I played hookie
Who did cheer when I gave out drugs
Who got A’s in class while I swallowed another color
Who went home to families while I went nowhere
They still learned my name and looked past my hateful voice
Knew my past and somehow still believed
That who I was wouldn’t last
They took a chance on me
Proving beings friend, no matter how different, can change everything
This character resembled so many things of what happened in my life and a dark part of me I lived with for years. Thank you to this character for showing it does get better.
Aug 2019 · 76
Practice Makes Perfect
JasFow Aug 2019
My mother once told me to stop running away
For I have an act of doing so
Avoiding my problems I feel only I create
It’s impossible to know any different
As a child I never stopped, for if a moment passed, I would be ripped apart
So I run
From my past
The life I was given
And forced to live
Running from each decision I make
Stumbling but never given up
Getting to a place where I Can’t Breathe
But I continue
For the pain of facing what’s there is far greater than if I never stop running
At least I know there’s no false hope
Of being able to end
For the only ending that will give me a break
Would be the end itself
Aug 2019 · 192
It’s a lie
JasFow Aug 2019
There’s a man with a smile that is infectious
His laugh makes you think what you said is actually funny
Brown eyes look not through you, but into you
Aug 2019 · 133
Panicking in the Silence
JasFow Aug 2019
My Anxiety is odd
It’s not like how others describe it in the books
I don’t tremble in a large group
I radiate, never hesitating to cause a laugh
I don’t stress and fidget in front of a crowd
I stand taller and have no fear of what’s to come
It’s when I’m alone, that’s when it happens
Sitting, isolated from the rest
Shopping, waiting, walking from A to B
I can’t help but shake
Overthinking every move I make
Breathing deeply and frail at the same time
A panic attack around the corner
Standing idly, awaiting the brutality
Hitting me in the gut, taking my breath
Being ruthless as it watches me fall
When I realize I’m out of control
It sneaks in, startling me and I’m unable
To shake off the lightheadedness that comes
From holding in the large tears and suffocating the sobs
As someone who doesn’t know their own volume
I silence
Happening less and less over the last few years
I’m more at ease with the self awareness
It’s just hard to comprehend
Why so many crave to be alone
I never want to be alone
Aug 2019 · 137
Continuing to Wait
JasFow Aug 2019
I didn’t mean to
No one ever does
Yet I’m falling for another
Someone who can’t be mine
Being smarter this time
Refusing to feel more
Because the moment I do
That’s when the pain rolls
Breaking the waves of clarity
Nothing will make sense again
Heart crumbled into dust
I won’t let myself fall
At least not all the way
Until they decide
It takes time and I know that. It’s just the duration in between that is annoying as I wait for the decision.
Aug 2019 · 97
JasFow Aug 2019
When I was younger I popped pills
Handed out baggies with tabs and stems
Snatched twenties by the handful
From a wallet of someone I barely knew
Yet told to call her Mother
Therapy didn’t teach me anything
But to make sure homework was turned in
They didn’t catch the bottles I hid
Under my pillow late at night beside the butcher knife
Happiness was only in the movies
And occasionally in my dreams as I drifted off seven pills deep
If I slept long enough I didn’t have to listen to the screams
No pain inflicted if I didn’t do what was demanded with the demons
Hunger didn’t exist so it was okay there was no food
As long as I was asleep
Never knowing when I would wake and no one cared to check
I slept on floors of peoples’ homes I never learned their names
Just emptied my bag and took the capsules they had
Falling asleep yet again
I was numb to the bad **** my friends were going through
One was ***** and another used as an object at thirteen
But the people didn’t seem that mean
They let me sleep another day away
No one noticed I overdosed.. not an eye fluttered when I didn’t wake up the next morning after that one bad day at school
... or through the day
... then that evening I woke up like it was nothing but a long nap
Throwing up blood, I chose to never take a pill again
Even if that meant I never got to sleep again
, though I took random pills from people when I could at school
I never lost control
I just wanted a ******* escape.
Replacing my sleep with tv shows
The lives of people I wanted to be
Escaping my reality
Aug 2019 · 188
Euphoria Can’t Be Found
JasFow Aug 2019
Watching shows like Euphoria
Zendaya’s character speaks wisdom
Years beyond me
It feels good and hurts at the same time
Listening to her talk about
Everything I’ve been through or I’m facing
What’s going to inevitably coming my way
A lot hurts
But so much is numb at the same time
I wish the one person I feel is my family
Doesn’t want to hug me when I need it the most
They have their reasons
I just wish they felt my ache when I don’t feel their touch
Each day that passes without the simplest thing
Pushes me more
Towards letting go of the wheel at full speed
Kids these days like to say “just send it”
I think about that a lot
Maybe then it’ll all hurt less
Jun 2019 · 399
Business Trip
JasFow Jun 2019
I travel all over the state
Different jobs, never the same hotel
Always alone in my bed
This week I reddened from the sun
First visit to the beach
Mini vacation to forget what’s in my head
Then I invite him in my room
Both drunk from downing cheap spirits
Scared of the outcome I still say come in
We watch tv and make small talk
An hour passes and we lay side by side
He looks at me and we both know
Under the influence our smiles match
A touch of my leg, his hand is gentle
We hug and he leaves for his room
Not ten minutes pass and I invite him back
All I offer is to cuddle
My face still warm from the burn
I changed to shorts and a cropped sweater
He joins me back and lays in my bed
His arm is comforting around me
Turning to look at him I realize he’s not
who I have been seeing
He is all the bad
But also good that he hides
I can’t remember if I did or if he did
We lean in and his lips are soft
His tongue opens my smile and I accept it
Fitting perfectly in his side I wrap around
His legs entangled with mine
Pulling me closer he grabs me tenderly
It’s another man in love with someone else
Yet here I am being held in his strong arms
Falling back, I remind him of his other
Admitting it’s complicated we just hold each other
A silent kiss is shared once more
He escapes back
The feeling of his hands rubbing my back echos my mind
Kissing my forehead while my eyes are closed, it remains
We’ll act as if it never happened
I’ll live with the memory and try to hate him less at work
Now back home we go
What a trip.
Im not sure what is happening but I’m just going with it all.
Jun 2019 · 145
Stop Questioning
JasFow Jun 2019
There are certain things you can’t question in life
Like why you are loved
Even when you feel you don’t deserve it
Why you have a beautiful home and good job you worked hard for
Yet feel like you didn’t work hard enough
Why friends hold your hand and hug you on days you feel like you should be left behind
Why you continue to push and survive
After your mind has fought it almost every day
To end the pain that rumbles not only under your temples
But in your heart as it bleeds dry
Why you still smile, with all the torture you’ve faced
Why you continue to laugh after you’ve lost your voice to stand up for yourself
Why you are still here in spite of what you’ve attempted.
There’s a reason and millions of answers
You may never get the answers you want, but know not to question it
It’ll just take time away from you going and living the life you’ve been given
Go and live and love
Love life without questioning it
Jun 2019 · 95
Thrown Away
JasFow Jun 2019
I’m tired.
Not as lost as I once was
Still as confused as I’ve always been
This day last year
Celebrating the birth of someone
The person I thought to be my best friend
Yet they chose to throw me away later
Making my own decision
For once I wanted to pick me
Look what good that did
Like my every person I knew before
Trust given before it’s asked for
Just to be ripped apart
By myself
A ticking time bomb
Sociopath behind a smile and a laugh
I’ve screamed
Cried loud enough to break eardrums
The silence still was all I heard
Round two
Love of my life and and I’ll never be a wife
They won’t let me implode
Deserving to burn, roast in the suffering
I should cry again
Feeling nothing is somehow
No better
No worse
What I feel
I need help but all I get is
All I deserve
Is to be
JasFow Jun 2019
I met him in the same store
Wearing the same uniform
A very similar smile on his lips
And a story also identical
I even heard they’re friends
Both men who I would wink at
And giggle to their jokes
I was the only joke there
Neither one can ever know
But after falling
Living a love hidden away
Being ripped apart and crushing my soul
Almost two years have passed
And he’s still with his wife
It’s like I was never there
It never happened, I didn’t exist
He got to keep going
I had to restart, again
Now in an almost different life time
I’m talking to the other
He’s kinder and more respectful
But could it be different
He keeps a line he won’t cross
The first never drew lines
He’s responsible and knows better
Deep down I want to find out
Could something more come
Of our coffee drinks and long talks
Silky screen shot photos
Sweet messages of how we deserve more
I want this to be different.
Maybe he will leave his wife
Before he presses against me for a kiss
Before he tells me I’m his only real love
Before i believe him
Before his wife finds out
Before everyone knows
Before I’m a ****, again
Before I’m thrown away
Please, let this be different
I made a mistake before, please don’t let this be the same
May 2019 · 189
Just this Once
JasFow May 2019
Held back smiles
Catching eyes
Loving the way you never lie
Continuing to wish you
Would lie to me

Say you
Love me more
JasFow May 2019
Time doesn't seem to change much of reality for me
The sun rises in the morning, but my room remains dark
Setting in the evening, it all feels the same
All the risks I've taken have led me to this
No home, no family, no hope
The man with a wife didn't care for me, no matter how many "I Love You"s were muttered and spoken
While I was burning from the fire that was thrown at me, they went on their way and here I stay, entrapped by cage of nothingness
It wasn't real, but maybe it's better this way
My friend from before became my everything and best companion
A best friend can come from anywhere
While we both feel pain in our hearts from different people, we understand how life can be bitter
But she threw me away all the same
I can encase myself in a world where all is well and my closest comrade shares my feelings and understands my sorrows, just to move to another day
The birds singing before dawn may sound like a new beginning symbolizing something bright unseen
My bleeding ears only catch a buzzing that stings and foreshadows the **** that is to come
But I deny it existing and thrive in a bubble of make believe
It carries me to tomorrow
May 2019 · 45
Surface Changes
JasFow May 2019
The lipsticks on my lips don't change the words that come from them
The mascara on my lashes doesn't keep me from seeing the looks I get
The piercings on my ears don't stop me from hearing what they say
I dye my hair to look less like my past, dark and bold
Cut away the length so I can grow on my own and start short
The resemblance fades by the day as I see me as Myself
A monster that I always lock eyes with in the mirror is dying
Its power from my fear is crumbling with each change I make
Bold harsh slices through every word I position, killing a Me that no longer exists
With all of these transitions you'd think I found who I was
Now I'm even more lost
May 2019 · 38
Erasing Memories
JasFow May 2019
Years pass and they all seem gone
Endless wars I never won
Therapy told me not to forget
Somehow I still lost them like a bet
Only appearing in mid wake
Sweating and I jolt and awake
It wasn't fair she could get past the bars
After the endless trauma she gave me with scars
Do other children fear their givers the same
So petrified at night they cry at the thought of their name
The alcohol that molded me into the demon that follows
Doesn't erase my past, but still makes me hollow
My mind is beyond being ****** up by me
It was already ruined by my pure reality
God, counseling, medication, drugs
Nothing is healing me as much as a hug
Simple request of a woman torn apart
Being dragged on pavement scraping my heart
Blood left showing my path
I prayed hoping to be freed of the wrath
Bad decisions/some call it luck
All is painful and seems worse than being hit by a semi truck
Theres no savior or bandaid that seals the wound
Suffering this heat with hopefully end it all soon
May 2019 · 969
im a slut for attention
JasFow May 2019
i prefer to have them watch me
its better than them not to notice
now do you understand
the short shirts and ***** shorts
see through tops show bras with no underwire
eyebrows filled in and lips filled with lip liner
ive become unaware of my volume
speaking loud enough to show my power
why should i hide
wanting to make a hero i made a monster at the same time
the names labeling me are more than likely true
i don't fear the looks they give
they almost fuel me to stand taller and show a bit more
say what you must
your words will feed my lust
May 2019 · 50
Basically in Love
JasFow May 2019
For a moment there
I thought there was a chance
We could somehow meet in the middle
And find our perfect romance

With the jokes, the laughs, the smiles
You made me feel like no one other
Developing those memories
Gave me life to run all those miles

Before there was you
I never really knew
Then you opened the door
To show that there was more

I was lost, not knowing which way to turn
You taught me you don’t always need to know, to know, which way to go
And you can go both ways
May 2019 · 27
From Before
JasFow May 2019
It's not a question anymore
Of whether or not you love me
If you'd bleed a drop from your eyes
Watching me cry a pain that's silent
When the showers water remains cold
You'd warm me with your fingertips
Enough to settle each goosebump
Pushing the fears I hold into a different palm
Cuts don't numb me as they once did
Bites distract for only a moment
Snaps of a band sting for 7 seconds exactly
Burning sips take me away
I forget reality, then its too late to return
Your love shadows and shades the scars
I almost felt healed and completed again
Then when you kiss him, stitches start to unravel
Feeling each tug of whatever is holding me together
Ripping harder by the movement
Each thigh grab, rub of the neck, hug from behind
The love you have for me is there, no question
Now it's different from what it once was
I used to see you as a God, controlling me every breath
You never asked for it, but managed it as if you did
That was before him
Before he showed you a different type of love
Where you didn't have to hide
We were almost perfect,
With a squint of both eyes and the lights turned off
Now I sit waiting for the sting,
as your Love for him poisons me
Apr 2019 · 59
I’m asking
JasFow Apr 2019
Can. I. Ask. You. A. Question?
How. Do. You. See. Me?
What. Do. Your. Eyes. Focus. On?

smile i fake
eyes green speckled gold
brows carved to a point
lipstick smudged
teeth gapped but still showing

blue dye
black split ends
subtle ***** blonde roots

small ****, wanting to be breast
at times with no bra

tight clothes
all parts show
skin more scared of being hidden

petite shape
booming voice
a laugh that infects a crowd

Which. Part. Of. Me. Draws. You. In?
Will. You. Let. Me. Know?
Do. You. Desire. To. Be. My. Next. Sin?
Apr 2019 · 33
JasFow Apr 2019
A single touch
All that took
Steady hands
Not meant to be
Yet a tingle inside
Erupting thoughts
Shouldn’t let it be
Starts somewhere below
Radiating to each ending
Sparking uncontrollably
Help me understand
Allow me to be
Give one last
One more
Just touch
Apr 2019 · 52
JasFow Apr 2019
I’m not ashamed
To speak The gibberish
The foul thoughts
Mixed with the pure dreams
Censored mind crafts
Fables of my tongue
All of the words I speak
No fear slips along
I stand up too tall
Throwing words too fast
Getting in trouble more than I’d like
But I don’t stop
Shouting louder as I catch more eyes
This is the way a motion is made
Apr 2019 · 315
JasFow Apr 2019
I’m in love with a gay man
I guess that’s better than the married man
Or the other one
Or the girl who was homophobic
Or the man who just got out of jail,
10 years older than I was at 19
I’m in love with a gay man
Knowing full well he’ll never be mine
With his boyfriend by his side
He still doesn’t leave my mind
You see, I loved him before he came out
That doesn’t change a thing
I’m in love with a gay man
It probably doesn’t help we live together
He’s my best friend
The human that makes my half a whole
Ive had him in my life for a few years now I hope to keep him until we’re grey and old
I’m in love with a gay man
I know what you’re going to say
They’re are plenty of fish in the sea
There is someone out there waiting for me
That simply just isn’t the truth
Still working on pushing my feelings away
I’m in love with a gay man
There will never be another just like him
Knowing all my flaws, loving me despite
I can’t imagine anyone else to hug and say goodnight
He knows how I’ll respond before I do myself
He’s my second half, the better without a doubt
I’m in love with a gay man
And I know he’ll live an amazing life
With/without me, the same
I’ll always see his gorgeous smile when I hear his name
One day I’ll find a love that will sadly always come second
to the love I feel/will have felt for him
Best friend, I love you.
Apr 2019 · 352
Different House
JasFow Apr 2019
Is it really that bad
Resonating the thoughts
Pushed down my throat
Years of pain and darkness
Holding on to something
Just doesn’t feel right
But if I let it go
It didn’t happen, did it?
We let the demons share my bed
I held hands with the Devil herself
She made me touch
******* not allowed to leave
A board having full control
Hello for any entry.
No “God forbid”
For God was forbidden
Goodbye to exit the conversation
Tears dripping down my cheeks
Open mouthed and silent
Catching the drips, containing the screams
Light didn’t exist in that house
Now I’m in a different house
One of a person named Lord
Not too sure if it’s the right place just yet
As the people who live here also knock me down
I’m not allowed to love
For when I do, they see straight through, as I am transparent.
I won’t hide the colors I found
For the light that reflect my heart now shows every depth tone of the rainbow.
So do I turn back to the blackness that grew me.
Or do I stay in the light and fight
I’m not sure yet which ones feels right
Changing from a Satanist to a Christian
Feb 2019 · 59
Pretty People
JasFow Feb 2019
Something about pretty people puts them above the not as lucky
Something that I wish was in me when people look my way
There's definitely something that sets me apart, and
it may have to do with my looks, but not in a good way
Big gaped teeth, radiating across a large set boxed jaw
Eyebrows drawn on with a brown color to match the dyed hair
Don't get me wrong, I've gotten used to my appearance
I know my lime green eyes shine & I'm no longer scared to smile open mouthed showing my natural cartoon shaped lips
Standing tall, dancing in public, and laughing at max volume is my specialty, causing looks that share both humor and embarasment
I can't follow a single stereotype
Feb 2019 · 942
Drunken'd Cuddles
JasFow Feb 2019
you dont remember but i do
nights that occur time and time again
you tell me you love me
eyes looking into mine
i have to turn away because i know its not real
at least not entirely
our feelings are the same
but you can only show yours when
you wont remember the next morning
its frustrating and infuriating
we cuddle we kiss we hold each others hand
its not as if it didnt happen
its not like none of it is real
just fragments dont fit together the best way
your warmth gives me goose bumps
my neck still feels your lips
then the day after you slide away
when i sit too close you push
is it all me
im i that repulsing
you told me im beautiful
that was the first time i really believed it
somehow its all gone now
when you look at me i wonder
what part of me looks the worst
should i run my fingers through my hair
should i smile a little bit differently
if i wear this perfume will he not move over
will he tell me i look beautiful again
i feel insane even bothering
because youre just my best friend
It's simple, I love you.
Feb 2019 · 161
Window Seals
JasFow Feb 2019
When I first was taken away
I didn’t like to speak
I had nothing left in me to say
My biding was done
So most days from sun up to sun down
I sat at the dining room table
Surrounded by large windows
Letting in natural light eliminating the house
I sat and looked out the windows
Facing out the to the East
The large field grew tall with unkept grass
The trees barely blocking anything
Green everywhere in sight
And horses
Real horses running around in their yard
Not a mile across
Spending hours sitting, looking out
I’m not sure what for
I wasn’t searching for anything
Just glancing out with scratched glasses
Not focusing on any one thing
Mostly using the time to think
If things went any different
If what it was, wasn’t
If what would be, wouldn’t
Doing so for almost three years
But it now feels like a waste
It didn’t change a thing
Foster care is still foster care in the end
Now a part of my past
Thank God it didn’t last
And thank you to my now parents
For the adoption
As long as I had my sister with me, nothing else mattered.
Jan 2019 · 1.2k
Sex is spelt Y.E.S.
JasFow Jan 2019
it confuses me daily that so many people are having ***
even at this very moment, i'm sitting in a book store
sipping coffee that burnt at first sip
where are they? in their homes? in public?
i'm avoiding it, not on purpose
that's just how its worked itself out
there in the moment with them its exciting
adrenalin in pumping and all thats left is to strip
yet i won't let it happen
i feel the rush and the chills but that's it
the closest i've ever got to feeling what you call '*****'
it all started with a cuddle
he said it best himself, don't cuddle, you'll catch feelings
no ****.
probably could have went a few more years
but he was drunk and all he asked was for me to stay
to cuddle
and that's what we did
all night
i woke to him in a slight sweat and it happened
i then knew what you are supposed to feel in those moments
after that, he messed me up
now i can't handle him grabbing my hip to move me out the way
he can sit too close and there it is again
what the hell?
and other people have felt this since they were preteens?!
i would burst
what i don't get is why it never happened again
other boys/other girls
no one makes me feel the same
that feeling is what has been missing
why i couldn't say yes
i feel nothing with them, so i sit there fully dressed
he won't get too close
it's funny because he doesn't remember us
we were laying nose to nose
on new years, what i wanted happened
we kissed in the mix of the dozen lips
we got home and yet nothing happened
i didn't want to take advantage of our blurred visions
one day i hope i get it
the feeling he gave me
he may never say yes
but i'll always have that feeling
**** demisexuality
It's not as weird as they say to feel nothing.
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