As I blow out my 18th candle;
My only wish is that my mom was here to cut the cake.

The fangs of my own mind sink into me.
I need some anti-venom or I'm history.
I try to fight back but it's to no avail.
The toxicity spreads; it's inevitable prevail.
I realize my fate, my brain gives up on me.
The anti-venom is  empty.
I'm history.

As I sit down in class with my stomach churning
My hands are shaking and my head is turning
To find something of comfort to distract me
From the eyes tracing my face catching acne
From the people wanting to give me hugs
When my back is drenched in sweat
From swaying back and forth and moving like a slug
Slow and clumsy, I wish my brain and feet had met.
I wish I could **** this anxiety
I wish this lock had a key.

I bleed as a grinding stone
Although I shed skin, the stronger I grow
Until I am sharp enough to vanquish foe
I will bleed as a grinding stone
To press against and press on
The wheel acts against me
Something pushes me forward
Even if I do not shape correctly
Until I've lost too much to recall my woe
Until I can't bear to press against anymore
I am bleeding
As a grinding stone.

I lay on my back
Grass blades impaling my thoughts.
Captivated by the night.
Belittled by the lot.
Of stars and starlight
A stellar sight
As I lay on my back.
In complete solitude tonight.

A barren wasteland
Of fear, doubt, and regret
Uncertainty plagues the sand
A horrendous fate, that we have met.
society became its own destroyer
The catalyst of this hopeless future
There's time to change
But were consuming ourselves
All of us

Walking down a path, onto the other side
Holding your hand and noticing the grass getting greener
This is what it's like for love to coincide
Fresh air feels my lungs and my heart tells me "I love her"

Completely wrapped around the finger of burden
We compete with eachother to who can carry more than
To try to win at every turn isn't winning
To make everything a challenge isn't fulfilling
Weighed down by the pressures of our surroundings
Everyone tries to be a hero, but the insanity is astounding
Attempting to shine in a room filled with uncountable bulbs
Is a wish that should be approached with care

What do you see when you look in the mirror?
A friend, a creep, a thinker, a freak.
The reflections of my own, burdened by bone;
Leave me breathless to the contradictions I hold.
My image is twisted externally from within
The identity of myself is buried underneath my skin
I'm a composition of conscious affliction burning for complex attention
Burning to be found and defined
Burning to be hidden and paid no mind.
Burning.

Lately I've felt held back by a lot of constraints.
Burdens on my mind that I can't contain.
I want to express myself through words but it's getting difficult.
Because, frankly, **** rhyming, and **** watching my language.
**** all this depression and being hypocritical.
**** those lines I just wrote and **** how I feel about this poem.
**** how I came into this wanting to be reflective and negative.
**** it, in the words of my mother, "**** it all".
Just try to have a good time with your life before it's all gone.
It can be pretty ******* hard, but it's worth it.
Whenever life confronts you with obstructions, get the **** over it.
It's YOUR life, YOUR decisions, and YOUR results.
When you waste time on the things that don't matter, you've wasted too much.
So the next time something is irking you that doesn't really matter,
or you're not feeling well enough to  be positive,
do me a favor and think to yourself "**** it".
This is all we've got.
Don't waste it.
**** the small things, be happy.

Ineffable:
The beauty of the night sky.
The stars fade in and out of our eyes
We laugh and hold hands, no concept of time.
Every shooting star I see
I wish for no end of the line
Between the night and us, I'm content to die

Petals
Drifting from each flower of life
In the wind of afterthought

Beautiful, innocent, blue
Mountains of men stand idle to adore
The feeling of love admist the abhorred

Gentle
They dance in the gust
Sink into the earth and forget-me-not.

On the surface I am happy.
Its quite the masquerade
I'm the jolly friend, always smiling
To find a way
To veil my true feelings in a shroud of dismay
Because the surface is crumbling
Under the roars of self-hate

The world is conceited, that's easy to see.
People as a whole living egotistically.
We live in an era of self-image, self-lust.
We create a fabric of our lives that's just not us.
We show ourselves as beautiful and hide from the flaws.
When the flaws are what make us, no matter how small.
So stop living behind a vanity screen and face the world without fear.
Someone will find you beautiful, the love of your life, drawn near.
To the flaws and imperfections they can't see behind a screen.
Taking selfies isn't helping.
You're somebody's dream.

Shall I compare thee to a Summer's sky?
Nay, I can't, t'would not do justice to the lover's eye.
Shall I compare thee to a Winter's night?
No, I shouldn't, it just isn't right.
A woman of such ineffable beauty could not be compared.
To worldly things such as water or air.
The fact that you exist is a sign of a generous God.
To let you grace the earth, take hearts with a nod.
Someone of your nature cannot be compared
Someone that only an angel could have prepared.

She has songs stuck in her head all the time
Taunting her with lyrics that are hard to define
Screaming contradictions that confuse her
Would he really use her?
Shouting proclamations of love and remorse
She wonders if it could get much worse
She remembers him, the only one she ever loved
The words silence as a sign from above
There's no need to worry, she's in no harm
She's content and happy while she's in his arms.

Effort has been drained from me effortlessly
Each day goes by with further disdain for myself
I sit in my ship and let the bugs eat me alive
Who can help me?

I've burned bridges
I've poisoned myself
I've sailed away
And now I'm on this island, dying.

Who can help me?
I don't live without fear anymore
There is no certainty
Who can help me?

I'm scared to progress
I hold myself back
I abuse my body
In hopes to go back

Who can help me?
Who can help me?
I only fear death when I stare it in the eye.
Who can help me?

I want to go back
To the time where I could live
But I feel this rope tighten
Can I make it back? I'm not positive.

Who can help me?
Who can help me?
Who can help me?
Who can help me?

When I can't help myself

Torture; the mark of a beautiful woman left on your brain.
Tearing chunks out but, it is fair game.
She had conscious to steal your heart in spite of potential pain.
But all she did was use you in light of her own gain.
You stuck with her because you love her, your feelings can't be tamed.
You'd break any cage for her despite how many hearts she's slain.
In retrospect it may be that you're the one to blame.
You made so many mistakes... too many to name.
You stayed with her because she had became
The only thing that made you feel whole with nothing to gain.
But gain, that's just it. Its personal gain.
You know when you're apart, its too hard to gain
Someone who loves you who shares that pain.
And even though she didn't love you, she certainly knew pain.

My mom died almost 2 months ago
I know she's gone but I want to believe she's still here
It's hard for someone to think that way when they don't believe in God nor does the person who's dead did.
But no matter what I think or know, I still feel her presence when I walk alone.
When I walk past her room or out on the porch
It's like she's trying to tell me that she's still her and she still loves me.
Because it's the most non-threatening feeling in the world
It's almost comfortable
But at the same time eerie that I feel anything at all
I try to distract myself everyday, but I can't run away
The fact that she's gone is the biggest pill to swallow.
And I shouldn't say that because that's how she went
Just a week before I caught her outside sniffing cleaners
Rubbing anything in her face trying to get high to distract the pain and she told me she'd rather die.
I threw the drugs away from her face
She started to cry
She said she wanted to see me grow up, graduate, have kids and THEN die
She said I understand her and that I was her rock
That I kept her going
I made a mistake
I know it's not my fault but I couldn't forgive myself
But, the day before she died we got in a terrible fight.
She went to bed that night with spite instead of support
I can't forgive myself for that.
I wish I could turn back time
But in the end I know she loved me
I just wish I could go back
And have her hug me again

A peaceful man in a belligerent nation
Delivering messages of hope station to station
Through words of power and words of encouragement
Supplying the spiritually needy with nourishment
Don't stop, because this place needs an uprising
Creativity is dead and authority is hypnotizing