My mom died almost 2 months ago
I know she's gone but I want to believe she's still here
It's hard for someone to think that way when they don't believe in God nor does the person who's dead did.
But no matter what I think or know, I still feel her presence when I walk alone.
When I walk past her room or out on the porch
It's like she's trying to tell me that she's still her and she still loves me.
Because it's the most non-threatening feeling in the world
It's almost comfortable
But at the same time eerie that I feel anything at all
I try to distract myself everyday, but I can't run away
The fact that she's gone is the biggest pill to swallow.
And I shouldn't say that because that's how she went
Just a week before I caught her outside sniffing cleaners
Rubbing anything in her face trying to get high to distract the pain and she told me she'd rather die.
I threw the drugs away from her face
She started to cry
She said she wanted to see me grow up, graduate, have kids and THEN die
She said I understand her and that I was her rock
That I kept her going
I made a mistake
I know it's not my fault but I couldn't forgive myself
But, the day before she died we got in a terrible fight.
She went to bed that night with spite instead of support
I can't forgive myself for that.
I wish I could turn back time
But in the end I know she loved me
I just wish I could go back
And have her hug me again