You think you got it all figured out. It All make sense in your head. Until that tinglin starts rumbiling in your chest turns from stress to dread.

Countless minutes you will never get back and the problems you had were few to many and you carried the weight of them upon your back.
The problems were few and now they begin to stack.

The gasp will surely ruin you; when it hits, it attacks. You find the closest thing to you and slide down it with your back. Find yourself layed ruined until you find yourself on your knees and hands. This is the epitome of the broken man. The hardest hit to the heart surely would **** the average man. Yea but you keep going and God just praying you can find your way back. There has to be a reason that this happens to me? Yea well I have faith in time you will begin to see.

Listnen," friend to friend " these things tend too surely pan themselves out. I know noones perfect but you can try to be. But if the risk is too high you can find the balance or try to work something out or in between.

But right now the most important thing you can do is just breathe. Heres a bag, put your head between your knees. Slow down, control the pace of your breathe. think only about overcoming this, just breathe.

-RSC

A massive weight shifts between my shoulders. It’s another fight, I am getting older. One more step, I grow bolder. See me out there, on that thin wire. Juggling my life at the same time trying to aspire. The pain didn’t set me back; it lit in me a fire. Your words sharp like a blade and my heart for hire. Elusive to the noise, I climb higher.
I’m eviserating the catacombs of an empire.
I am not trying to scale the ladder. I’m tearing it down to the mire. I am not dousing the flame, I am feeding the fire.

If we are walk this way, we need to dress the correct attire.

Clearly there is an internal fight, a struggle for power. I am not built to last, I eventually get tired. But the problems that disappeared just reappear taking on another form.
I do my best to keep my balance and keep walking this thin wire.

There is a silence in the noise of a mob
I can feel my heart. The story has to end or at least on my part. Will I hit the net below to sweet depart?

Or Shall I just keep juggling as I walk? It doesn’t matter if they think I am a fool; just as long as I do my part.
Life is a circus, living it is an art.


-RSC

A man in his suffering bridaled by his toungue. A collection of thoughts that are reduced to a sum. With his fate at hand at the rolling of a thumb. His attempt at redemption is met to be shunned. He will forever be held by the passing of the moon and sun. He watches helplessly wanting to say so much but never does. He is his own prisoner. He want's to be but never does. He is the man who does not understand true love. He is the man that once was.

-RSC

The sun rises over the hills touching everything turning it gold. The dew rises from the cactus as the scorpion rises from it's slumber; surely a sight to behold.

  Another day has begun another story is yet to be told. For it has been written so many times it has became a story of old. But today is no different. It is the day the world was sold.

Our protaganist a young man is not carried by the plot. He is not conflicted by his emotions. He needs no changing of his thought. He instead drives the story forward with the unraveling of his soul.

He finds himself pitted between himself and the world. Like a tree that is battered by the wind refusing to fold. He is no ordinary man, he himself has a well defined goal.

Although his expection is not certain he has yet be told that the road ahead is trecherous; it is filled with opstacles and it has many holes.

His plan is to stand his ground and by no amount of money can this man be sold.

If you find this man to be unwilling to change, there is something you must know; this man has been here before.
This man has seen with his eyes just how the story goes.

His countrymen are in turmoil held captive by the idea that a tyrant would have complete power or complete control.

They suffer from hunger for lack of rations. They trust not one another for fear that they may delivered over to the one that is in control. They our desperate for a hero

But little do they know that one of them would spark a fire that would trigger a movement that no authority on earth could slow.

Rumors of his valor would spread across the land. Surely this is he that would take the stand. All to soon would the time be that a man would rise to power. That there would be a new king in the land. One who could break the powers and fairly distrabute the wealth by the turning of his hand.

The people were filled with hope while the weak could barely stand.

His movement grew in numbers his trust would cascade in the enemies betrayal amongst themselves. Even the powerful tyrant's minions would show support for this man.

The moment was here so fast as if it were controlled opposition. Now it was time for the peoples voice to be heard. It was time they take a position.

Put they're trust in man or support the opposition.

As you would guess the choice was all so easy, so many would say. Little did they know that would be when they gave what little they had left away.

Plunged into chaos for the people had been betrayed. This man was not they're hero. He was the embodiement of they're willingness to give it all away.

-RSC

I am surrounded by comforts and convenances as I pack the cub-bards, lining them with provisions. Some of which I will not get to before they perish. I pay no mind to the clouds that gather above my head because I will soon walk into the shelter of my luxurious home.

I close the door sealing out the pestilence. the last part of my home barricaded by all the elements. I seat myself in a climate controlled throne where I waste away watching the regurgitation of one talking head to another. I stand at once to pour my cup out into the sink.

I look out the window and see a horizon of red illuminated by the smoke and fires that grow beneath it. I close the blinds and I make my way to the master bedroom. I take off my custom made clothes and fold them neatly at the foot of my bed. I brush my teeth and put on my pajamas as I hear a thunder in the distance grow closer . I turn on my fan to drown out the noise. I then lay myself down and nestle the silk of my pillow.

I begin to fall asleep not quite past Rapid eye movement. I am then ripped from my bed. I am drug down the stairs pulling banisters back resisting my pursuer’s. They’re strength to much to my own they quickly over power me.
My finger nails dig into the decking of my lavish hardwood sprawl. There is no hope for me at this point. I then am hit with a blunt object and loose consciousness.

I awake with a bag over my head and my hands tied behind my back. The dry air and exhaustion from my screams make my mouth dry. I feel insects crawl on me not as an infestation but as a hindering concentration on my hands and feet. I don’t know what they are but they bite me like fire ants.

I cannot shake them loose. Once I do my hands and feet are  bound down by my captors. They shout at me slurs and demand I renounce. They beat me with they’re fist and feet. They grab me up and drag me down a long hall. I am pushed to the floor and then picked up. My head is shoved down as they submerge me in water. Over and over and over again. I begin blacking out because my body is entering a breaking point.

I am then drug back down the hall and cast back into my dark room.
This continues for days as I am being starved. I begin eating the ants that bite my hands and feet. I drink the water I can when I am being dunked over and over again. I begin to try and adapt to this tormented routine. I am far past depression I am numb and I am hopeless.

I am so lonely I try conversing with my captors. They don’t speak in my language so I try to make myself believe what they say back to me are kind and hopeful things.
They demand that I renounce in my language. It is the only thing I understand the entirety of my stay. I sense the desperation in they’re tone they almost seem sad that I am not responding to they’re abuse. I fear they will soon grow tired of trying and end me as a result.

The next morning I awake with a cold blade on my neck. I shout out “I renounce! I begin crying and shouting out; I renounce!” They pick me up and break my bonds and sit me in a chair. One officer removes the bag over my head and I see for the first time in I don’t know how long. Another officer hands me a glass of water and my face falls in shame and relief.
This is the real beginning of my torment.

After giving me instructions and sending me on my way. I …..

To be continued…

I dont think she remembers why she came.

Why she is a different person, when it rains.

When everything began, before she knew her name.
Before this creature, she became.

With the thickening Fogg and Desolate Rain; she grip's her cloak and follow's her pain.

Her lifeless eyes lead her astray, as her feet trip over one another before two others came.

She made her way into a clearing and silence she regains.

The dark purple skies reveal a shape of blame and into her form she became.

Her sense's heightened like a catalyst, her intentions were vague. Inside her heart was filled with rage.

She made her way into town, devouring all that stood in her way.

Her blood shot eyes could see for miles. Her smell was refrain.

But unto others she would look the same until her mistakes began to leave a trail from which she became.

They gathered in many, they carried they're pitch forks and Stakes but nothing would **** her and she would eventually get away.

Leaving the town in fear, she made away. She layed low for year's until one mysterious day.

A weary traveler stumbled across her home fatigued. Riddled with torment, the man lay waste.

Her heart poured for the man and so she decided to let him stay.

She catered to his wounds and she fed him each day.
He then returned to health and asked for her Name.

She barried her head, she did not say.

The man so thankful for her help; he decided to stay and pay back the woman who had no name.

He did not remember from which he came, this weary Traveler also had no name.

He promised that he would do anything for her to let him stay.

She gathered his stuff and pushed him away.
She shut him out when it started to rain.

The man confused inside but determined for change.
He decided he would go into town and return with necessary things.

As he returned there was a beast at her door. In a panic he grabbed a rock but The beast instincts much quicker than his own. The strength of ten men charged him down to the ground.

This beast would not take his life all at once.

The man remembered in that very moment from in which he Came.

But he still loved her, So he pursued her any way.

The beast then Struck him down. This time oblivious in rage.

She tore him limb from limb but Realizing was half of her Pain.

The other part of her enjoyed it and so she continued to slay.

I dont think she remembers from which she became. Her lifeless eyes that lead her astray.

Her feet fall over one another before two others came.

-RSC

Am I even here? I walk throughout and feel so empty. I try so hard to do what is right and even my best attempts are failures. Life never let me down gently. My closest friends betray me and my efforts rarely see any reward.

I am assured that it is not what I do that assures that you love me. I have a standard inside that I cannot even reach. I wake up everyday and try again. Every day I sincerly try. I swear I see the other side but I never get any closer to it.

I am so desperate inside to please you. I am so desperate inside that someone see's me. I have faith and a hope that one day I will see what it is that you see in me. That I find this value or worth that led you to die for me.

You say that you walk beside me and that you have prepared a place for me. I am so eager to be there where I feel welcome and I can forget this suffering. I need you here please dont leave me. I cannot overcome the storm you sent unless you walk with me.

I dont mean to be dramatic or complain or come across as ungrateful for all the blessings you have given me. I just want to be with you in the place with no tears. I want to live and I want to be better than I have ever been before. I want to fish with you on crystal shores. Belong to something greater than me.

-RSC

Breathing maliciously, I procure exponentially. My defeat is all but a matter of time.

I slip down that slippery hole that  enters or rather exits into my mind.

I eventually stare from the side lines. Potentially no more option, Left with blind eyes.

I wander from room to room unmasking every sin and every lie.

Until the rooms are empty, I transpond images. I assure you there is no silver line.

What a chilling cauldron it becomes beneath all that I find.

The destruction lay wait to repair with so little time.

If I donot hurry there will be nothing left to salvage. I will be stuck here for all of time.

I cannot emphasize the importance enough that I must leave at the sound of the right sign.

Further below and further behind. I have been bound to this bed with a hope that I will hear a sign.

The time has come I hear drug out beep and see a flashing light.
The battle is won, now to begin a new life.

I am such a wretched man living in a foriegn land. No good work comes from my hand's.

The words that flow from my mouth are proceed from a wicked heart.

I know you by your name.
Your love covers me casting a shadow of shame. Your innocence was subsituted by my guilt. It was my sin and yet you took the blame. You know me by my name.

You seen my heart. My flesh was woven with weeds and thorns. You called out to me, I heard you and my sin departs. You justified a man because you love me and it breaks my heart.

Your presence is upon me, I am convicted. I ask for forgivness and then depart. I went from your light back into the dark. I clung to you. You held me, you know my heart.

I am so sinful. My every action is against you. My every plan is a plot. I wage war against you and your mercy sustains me as I continue in the dark.

I could have died so many times but you save me. I could of fallen but you hold onto me. You always have my best interest when to me you are just a passing thought.  

I fear your lashings but I reverence you because of who you are. You are the creator of all things! I am the child you sought. Your perfect son was given so that my sin would be baught.

I am forgiven and you are an after thought. I am unworthy, undeserving and ungrateful, this is what breaks my heart. You are merciful, giving and you never depart. You walk with me every day while I plot against you and spit in your face.

You saved my life and I curse your name. You changed everything and yet in me I walk the same. Your grace is upon me. Father I want to change. Will you forgive me and show me the way.

-RSC

You are the needle of my eye, you always make me cry. And I have meaning to say that you have given me a reason to try. When I wake up then I have a drive. I have always wanted what any other boy has wanted or needed his entire life and I know you didnt try! But thats just what changed my mind and it really taught me something. So I have you to to thank because that taught me something. Or was it some other something, that changed my mind. We have had a long go at this and you have caught the most of its horrific side. I pray this saves your life. Now that I am a grown man, we finally got it right and then your fighting for your life. Why is it that I cannot have a father now because I am too afraid to loose a relationship that comes with a price. I have always yearned for this and I know it comes with a price. This will forever change my life. I had imagined this to play out differently, so differently in my mind. That's what you call life. Time to pay the piper and roll the dice. Time to cut off a slice and know the consequences and still try. Humble is thyself hoping to learn a value to its ugly sight. Enriched with fear and foresight but at its fear of a flipped sight. My perspective of never knowing you would hurt worse than if I finally did and you died. There is no end to hurt, no time, I ever get used to loosing someone you love's life. I choose to know you and so I will give this a try.

I aint no *****. I aint no tinker; like a tinker would think. Im just an old cow poke with no leather to sink my teeth. Been riding for days aint came across the first drop to drink.

Sure is nice of you mam to let me in by the smell of my stink.

You see; I lost my cattle about a few miles back. We got seperated by a sand storm. Boy this coffee is about as thick a pinewood sap. Mam, please dont take offense; I sure do appreciate the gesture. I suppose a cool glass a water might do the trick.

Now as I was saying, I was on my way up from Wyoming to drive a herd for a bargain. Well I guess I would say I got started early this morning.

I got me a ranch out in Laramie. Well actually a buddy of mine does. We started up and then it began storming. I haven’t seen him since. Mam could you do me a favor if he does. If he shows up; could you tell him I have gone to gather up them horses.

Could you ask if he could stick around, what matters is that we’re safe and that’s important. We can regroup in a couple of hours. Head on back on up the trek, make up for lost time and try to save our appointment. If that ain’t no burden to you misses?

-RSC

They called me naive, for whence was my curiosity. What led me to believe, where was something I was taught and what also life led me to see.

Boy I thought I had life figured out but everyday life teaches me.
Beaten and tied into knots, my eyes begin to finally see. Caper in, I would figure why not? After all I been through, it was worth a shot.

True happiness I begot, for what it's worth, it sure worth alot to me. But for many it's not and also a different view to see.

Well you can't be something your not, well isn't it worth a shot? For all of us to see? One day when we all can smile and all of this is just a thought, that would be a day I would like to see.

But I'm reminded that it is not. Too me, this is my reality. Painful reminder or not, it sure put"s things in perspective for me. And so true happiness I begot, because it's the world I'd like to see.

Whether if it's who you are to me or not. True happiness is what I got, true happiness is what I would like to see.

-RSC

A sword beaten by steel hammers and forged in the fire. The arrow thats pulled back before it is sent into the whiles. A collection of hardship and reprove to understand a time.

Where as demons and angels influence all but stagger a man's walk on a thin wire.
A breathe of resiliance and stubborn heart thats entitled to what He think's he deserves until He knows the truth and his speech is soured.

Egregious revalation to what he has done. He has offended the Creator. He has crucified His son. A confession is made and the war is won but the battle for submission is nearly but one.

A sanctification is initiated and a process is begun. This man's action's and word's are revealed by the sun.
The work that takes place is a tedious and time consuming one but the man's character is revealed to himself and to everyone.

He stuggles to find himself and align himself in the will of God. He yearn's for purpose and does'nt see that each moment is purpose that each exchange matter's. Everything is considered in everything he does.

God enables his obediance when God is often sought. This man comes to find that more often it is not. It is a miracle and blessing he has made it this far. More mercy has been offered than one might oblige. More forgiveness and patience. It is a miracle this man has not died.

Our protagonist finally makes it to the frontline. Where he is not perfect but God's will is pursued. This man speak's out and into open air. Where devils and vipers gather like moths to a flare. They come one by one. Collecting like froth on a stagnant bank. They come to hear this man speak but they're heart's are anything but blank.

His words shoot like arrow's never missing thier mark. He uses The Word as a sword slashing every falsehood, piercing every heart.

He continues through the day into evening's dark. There is but one that stayed. There is but one man among them that get's a new start. So the cycle is transfered but the job is not done. The wars is won but the battle is not just one.

-RSC

Dastardly and reluctant I have came to speak for the wretched things that have made me weak. Sit silent as I speak, it softly settles as I move to quick retreat.

Bare in all that is me to be the might of examination. If that is so what you please? But also remember you are just as evil and ****** up as me.

I am so quick to want to be worth more when I treat myself less. Intolerably suffocating the idea we should all forget. More or less of a forfeit.

Stranded in solitude of the ever deepening abyss. Complete consciousness in adrift.
So much remorse, so much regret. Who am I?

Where off am if I eventually forget? It seems intangible be it that you are not here. The sound of her voice Start's to disappear. Albeit there seems to be more to this. Than a lost soul and lost mind driting into the abyss. No. There is defiant tendencies that do exist. A reason to run from the part of me I do not want to adress.

I cannot seem to just carry on and forget. It eats at me like locusts latching on to my neck.
So I write to capture the moment to quickly relinquish it. Only you can picture this.

Imagine we are somewhere beautiful. Imagine we were better off than this..?? Imagine I was someone who could offer you advice, someone who has also dealt with this.

Oh wow that sound's great. Yea here is a prescription. This should handle it. By the way this pill gives you the ****'s. So you might wanna also take this. Whats this?

Oh this? This is a pill that will offset this. Thats two signatures.
Two pharmaceutical trial drug checks. Well it seems to work I mean other than the nausea or the frequent headaches. It is also free to me because the insurance pay's for it...pays three hundred a month for insurance. Just thought I would add that.

Face yourself alone, find your weaknesses and eradicate them.
Small changes eventually add up to a big change. Start where you are.

-RSC

Heart's are broken when soul's are at stake.

When eye's are unopened when fully awake.

When ignorance is wisdom and standing is shamed.

When reaching with love is taken for hate.

When progression is reversed and the pure are maimed.

When the appeal of hope becomes a game.

When the voice of truth becomes contained and the work's of many wash down the drain.

Nothing is easy when you live in His name.

When you become the salt against the grain.

~RSC

An incandescent glow lights the way.
Time test the durability of the step's I pave. Eluding Whisper's in my ear, I needeth not to share what they say. I learned who I was yesterday.

Thought's fester and trap me in such way's. Under the weight of shame, I exercise full rebuttal and distain.

Can we not be better? Can I not change? Or am I just changing habits? Press on forget or shove it down to have it haunt me another day.

I'm such a waste of space. can't afford to keep or replace. Im standing face to face. With an indignant conscience, I am assertive in others embrace.

Disconnecting my connection. Retracing my steps to see a connection between who I was and why am I this way.? Or I could sit here and not try to participate.

Either way, I will always yearn to be better than who I am today to one day meet and face my fate.
To be real and not fake.
I then fall into place.

Muster not to come up with word's to say. How else could I repay.? Lay it down and walk away. Into the depths of my mind I replay. Former problems find they're way.
Here I am to stay and figure it out so I can go on with my day.

The whole world is on fire and I can only think about you. My mind re-wired to forget what my worst desires have brought me into.

The attraction of strangers eye"s should make me feel un-comfortable but instead it soothed. Somehow they all disappear and I am only looking at you.

I never dreamed I would dream of you. Black and white ambience encloses like a fogg around the room.

One moment I am miles away and the very next moment I am right next to you. I have so much to say but I then remember I will never see you again, so what good would that do?

If I knew what love was darling, I wouldn't have hurt you. If I knew what forever was, I would still be with you. Only foolish people hate the truth. But this isn't about me, this is about you.

Dreamers dream what reality couldn't do. Weavers weave a stranded connection between the two. Believers believe that somehow they can carry on living like they do.

I know that I cannot and I am lost without you. My hearts desire is to reach you across the chaos and somehow convince you.

-RSC

I can see the road ahead of me. I try to make adjustments so I can be ready. I breathe slower to get a fast beating heart steady.

The rocks slide sweeping the ground from beneath me; carring me over a tune in the pattering of my fingers.

The water in the poison dollutes the pain from the stingers.
The pace of the tone hits a pause followed by pounding of the keys dangaling from theyre stringers.

I am unequivacly astonished by the clarity of my sight in the breath of the moments leading after. My body tenses up. After all who could be prepared for this fall.  I am getting to the point. Im not trying to pad the time or trying to stall.

I have came so far. So I can again. But this is not some story..My life could seriously end. I go back and forth until I come back to the moment that lead me to where and when.

Head first, I going over the deep end. I am tip towing over the glass shards of where I began.

Flashes of memories and aspiration from yearning within. Zero to sixty taking my second, third and fourth chances over and failing again.
Suspended in the air and this is what I bargain with.

The moment ends and all the noise and stimulation comes to a sudden end. I notice I am still in my car on the shoulder with hazards blinking. Did I black out again?

The road ahead me washes away collapsing to a crack several feet away.
I am still here.
Where do I even begin?

-RSC

The glass screen door hits my foot on the way out the door as I pull it close. I pull my jacket down as I enter the cold. I breath in the brisk air and look up at the blue night sky.

My breath fogs the view of a star up high. I fear the day that you will soon some day die. The day of your departure, when you spread your wings and fly.

Your warmth as you held me close to your polyester side, where I would fall asleep on you on that wooden church bench as we would listen to grandfather preach in between sigh’s.

I picture all of this in my mind as I look up at the blue night sky. The table where we would sit and talk for hours about your history and mine. The same table you taught me how to find in me the strength and reason to fight. The same table I told you, I found my wife. That same table you and papa prayed over me when I would cry.

I know your with me now and I cherish you and that is the reason I write. I can’t wait until you walk with Jesus. You have been longing for that day your entire life but I know once your gone I am going to cry.

I told you that I would not. I told you I would celebrate your life but tonight I know as I look up at the blue night sky. I know that I will have to let you go and it’s going to make me cry. I love you Grammy. Thank you for being in my life.
-RSC

My eyes are desperate to see the end. A memory of mine is carried over a warm wind. My love for you with out stretched hands. The comfort of your voice within. Your Atoning grace decends.

A white robe draping over my sin. A loving father who attentively attends my every heart ache. Your mercy is the water that washes over the rustled sand; smoothing the surface once again and again.

I am nothing without you. You are my muse. You are my refuge I hide out in your caverns and donot pretend. I can only profess your goodness over me.
With your strength I am able to stand.

The night comes and the moonlight cascades over the clouds pouring down onto the waters that wash me once again.

You are not just my father you are my dear friend. There are no endearing enchantments or lies that can convince me otherwise. You are the beginning and the end.

The morning arrives in glory and your splendor shines down on me again.
My attention is wavered but you still stand where you stand. I make mistakes and you keep your promise to cleanse me again and again. You pick me up and guide me through the peril I find myself in.

The most faitfull and forgiving could not amount to your love. You always find me and set me on my way to follow you with your loving hands.
There is no debate to be had when a relationship is my reality and sin is sin. I am grateful you love me and you gave me your best so I can know look forward to the end.

-RSC

I am not as close as I would want to be. I look around me and I have everything I need. The lightness of my steps is not light enough for a gentile humiliation worth notoriety. The perception through my gaze is not the sight I want to see. The intentions of my touch is not the action I wanted you to see.

I look again at myself this is not who I want to be. Scars and strife belittle the narration of the overarching story.

It doesnt give you the intimate details that took me from where I was to the me you now see. It doesnt say where I am and where I am going.

I dig in my heels and set my sight forward. That was behind me will try to remind me but I will pay little attention as I quicken my pace abrubtly.

Rembrants impression on a zimmer symphony has as much inspiration as it allows to be. As I have as much ambition as I have allowed myself to be. My discipline is as un-organized as a branch fractal to scatter it's leaves.

My euphanisms are as practical as you have empathy. My mind is as deep as an infants reach. My nostalgia is littered with grief. Every time the wind blows you see a different side of me.

I am for every cause and yet I spend little to no time perfecting the flaws in me. I will put on a show just so you side with me. I will justify so long as its not revealing a deeper truth about me.

I have all the time and money and yet I am not free. I am loved by many and yet not truly known except by those who are close or my family. I have pretended for so long I donot remember who I am besides thats the part I find most disgusting. I am ashamed of who I am so I put up a fasad of who I want you to see.
I am an attention ***** and you spend all your time and money being entertained by me.

-RSC

The wind off the ocean reaches inland carrying a thought for me. Some would say an epiphany and some would not believe.

Without direction it is a burden that's fire is dwindeling. I scatter to find twig's that gather the heats intensity.

I have spoken to soon to see it's light burn out to see the light veer away from my feet.

I counted my egg's before they hatched. But I did not count the cost.

I blame everyone and everything but me.

-Rsc

What is it that keeps me going? What is it on my face that keeps me from showing? The wind rushes through me and keeps me from slowing.
There is a knoledge inside that honestly keeps me from knowing. There is a drive inside that keeps me going.

I am not sad and yet I am not happy.
And sadly there is no definition to define my state of mind but I would gladly let you peer inside.
There is no certainty that anyone reading this would care but it doesnt stop me from stripping myself bare.

I am often distracted by the calamity outside my door and it is certainly something I wish I could ignore. But here I am beating against it like the waves constantly keep beating against the shore.

I wake the day with folding hands. I strive everday to be a better man. But I am this wretchedness wondering through life without a plan.

It has been along time since I have expressed how I feel. I have put off my feelings because they dont look good on me. And still I circle back like a wagon wheel.

I hear the rythm and I assimulate it in my soul. I pretend I am the only one to make myself feel whole. I am like stagnate water forced to roll.

This is the part of me only my readers will see me show. The corpse covered in make up to conceal the man I am. The man I only know.

-RSC

I have hope that one day I will shed this carnal flesh and Become Like Christ. That one day I can walk with peace in my heart and the struggle with sin will be done. I have hope that one day there will be a unity that will be unbroken with me and the trinity. A day in which I can walk with God through a beautiful garden and talk and I ask him all the questions I can think to ask Him.

I look forward to the day that I won’t suffer and feel heartbroken consistently. A day where I’m not facing a storm but it’s clear sunny days and perfect peace among all. I look forward to a day where we can all love one another without having an agenda.

I love the idea of a beautiful mansion in the sky with golden streets and crystal oceans. But when I sit and reflect on what I really want in this life. Is to be with the Lord and walk the way I was made to walk and have a perfect relationship in harmony with The Father, Son and Holy Spirit.

We all got big goals and small goals guiding us. This at my core is what guides me. I fall every day. The pendulum swings back in forth. I am with Him and then I am touching the top of hell. Under the power of this curse, I want to shed this carcass and become glorified like Him. I want to be with Him in Heaven.

I am a wretched sinner who is only saved by grace and if one day I manage to find my way down that narrow path to heavens door. I pray I might just be with Him. I could be heavens janitor and it would be the greatest honor I don’t deserve. I did nothing to attain salvation. It was the Lords will that He Send His only begotten son to die for me and elect me before the foundation of the world.

I struggle with the idea that I am unworthy and I don’t deserve His mercy and yet He pours onto me waterfalls of blessings and mercy. He visits me and He touches my heart wherever He might decide to fix next. I am a weak peasant slug in a white robe, wearing a golden crown on my head and it is all His. Everything is for His pleasure. He is King of Kings. Lord of Lords. My refuge, my comfort, my Father and my friend.

I pray that you might sanctify me, that you might use me. I pray that I might be a useful instrument to your will. I pray that I might delight you with the aroma of my prayer. I pray you might Bless my family, my friends and my enemies. You hold the keys to every door and you are in control. You are alpha and omega. It is all for you and your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Praise His blessed name, King Jesus. Lord of ALL! Amen and Amen!

-RSC

I let the world wash over me trapping and burying me in clay. It has me answering questions that would make a significant change. It has its many uses on its beautiful face it is ugly and brutal how it beats me into place.

But its truth reveals the parts of me reluctant to change. Its rhythm captures me and makes me sway like a drunkard down the hall to his ultimate fate.

I am enthralled and invigorated by the chase. I am nothing if not something has me running in place. Then I will stop to look back with a tear in my eye when I gaze.

I will see what really mattered when I am low and the blood rushes away from my face. When my eyes roll back and my skin turns gray. That will be the day. The day I enter Life as it were intended and I will see you face to face.

Written by: Ryan Seth Cole