i hate being sober when you're not around
sometimes I question my sobriety
even in the absence
of such distant memories
were they real
or just nightmares and daydreams

now I'm turning 20
and you're not here
i hate being sober
i know on my birthday
I'll just be invisible to you
i hate being sober
i want to turn back time
i hate being sober
i want to be able to see the warning sign
the sign i missed
it was red
like the blood i would bleed for you
but yet we move
i thrive without you
somehow i manage

still, i must confess
i miss you

This world will throw road blocks in your path
Disguised as people.
People masked with love and honesty
Men and Women adorned with fair hair and a sparkling smile.

This world will throw boulders into your path
Marking you with kisses and scars
Swaying you to stray from your goals
Asking you to give up your morals.

This world will send storms into your path
To push you back
And off the road
To hold you down.
Though through all of this,
We continue to walk
To run
Onwards.
Away from their grasping hands
And through the pelting rain and hounding thunder.
Toward the horizon shining with the ever-present idea of hope.
-ALC April 8, 2019

Hello my star-crossed lover
I’ve wondered how you’ve been
I can’t stop thinking of you,
You were my best friend.

I hate, I had to do it
It was my only way
To see what else is out there
To find myself someday.

Hello my star-crossed lover
I think of you too much
I can’t help but want you
Within my grasping clutch.

I hate, I had to do it
To let you go away
You were so much to me,
I had to find my way.

So here we go again,
From hello to goodbye
I don’t want to see you go
To let our time go by.

I know it’s got to happen,
That will be here someday
And wonder where it all went
If it was worth the pain?

Hello my star-crossed lover
I’m here to tell you what,
I’ve never once forgotten
Your very precious touch.

How I’d love to tell you
That“I have found my way”
but that’s not happening
No, not today.

So I’ll see you someday
On the horizon
With the sun glowing
Brining hope again.
-ALC November 22, 2016

The tempest builds in its confined earthly cavity,
Swirling and crushing its source.
It roars searching for escape,
Thundering out with torrential rains.
Lighting sparks through veins
Escaping in blistering snaps.

The soul relishes in the primal storm,
Yearning for a greater release,
A larger typhoon to rip this earth away.
To shatter the shell constraining its rage.
It shakes with monumental tremors,
Succumbing it’s structure,
to rubble on the floor.
-ALC August 14, 2022

We are two wolves
Tearing at each other’s flesh
Biting in with savage need
Pushing and pulling for dominance.

We are two wolves
Working off of undiluted instincts
Of euphoric animalism.

We rip away our human pelts
And reveal our battle worn skins
Blemished with past wars and historic victories.

We are two wolves
Growling with pleasure and an insatiable appetite.
Digging our incisors into each other’s flesh
And grazing our claws down one another’s backs.

We score each other’s bodies
With nips, kisses, and tongue
Demanding one to admit the others rule.
To surrender and go docile.

But we are two wolves
Fighting each other
Each step of the way
With unadulterated ravishment.
-ALC April 4, 2019

Hey, it’s ten o’clock,
Time for another snort,
The Elixir: Clan MacGregor
“Blended Scotch Whisky,”
Spelled without the e,
“Imported from Scotland,
Distilled, aged, blended &
Shipped, by Alexander MacGregor & CO.,”
Our boys in Glasgow
“Mixing up the medicine
I'm on the pavement
Thinking about the government.”
(Read more: www.bobdylan.com/  us/songs/subterranean-homesick-blues#ixzz3aKTl­eIUb http://www.bobdylan.com/  us/songs/subterranean-homesick-blues#ix­zz3aKTleIUb)
To quote my pal, Rabbi Zimm,
Which is what we called Dylan
Back home in Minnesota.
No wonder he left town.
He’s been heard to blame the winters,
But I know it was the rabid,
Anti-Semitism, driving
Robert Allen Zimmerman
(Hebrew name שבתאי זיסל בן אברהם
[Shabtai Zisl ben Avraham]),
Driving his escape outta town.
It was virulent Jew hatred
Driving him away,
Exiling him from Duluth.
But, I digress.

I have written this morning’s poem
Many times before, giving it the title
“BUKOWSKI MORNINGS” last time.
I get my Clan MacGregor at
Wal-Mart, $16.97, 1.75 liter,
40% ALC./VOL. (80 PROOF).
Another astonishing value &
Habit I can afford.
One more shining example of
Walton Family benevolence,
Give us our daily bread,
Give to us,
Us the many,
The many shamed 99%.
The Walton crystal ball,
Anticipating the future way back when.
Going even so far as to
Sponsor a beloved family TV show,
1972 – 2010?
Is a run like that, fecking possible?
Still broadcast today,
Hallmark Channel.
The Waltons:  John Boy, Olivia
Grandma Esther &
Grandpa Zebulon,
Played by, his Reverence,
The cherished Will Geer.
How could you not esteem The Waltons?
The Walton Family: shrewd grocers of
Bentonville, Arkansas?
Lovable Sam—the one with the Club—
The association, not the clubfoot
Nor, the giant troglodyte club,
Wielded by Old Sam--
Mr. Walton, truly a swinging-****
In his day, intergalactic, a Mega-chain
Retailer of “a vast selection of Food, Apparel,
Home Goods & Electronics, not to mention
Garden shrubs & Patio Furniture.”
Again, I digress.

Clan MacGregor: no single malt liquor;
No Glenfiddich “Robert the Bruce Flagon,” $300 bottle;
No Balvenie “21 Year Old Port Wood Finish,” $200.00.  
No Laphroaig, no Glenlivet.
No Highland, no Lowland,
No Islay, nor Speyside . . . for me.
Not one drop of single-malted
Mist of the moors shall pass my lips.
Maybe I don’t know any better?
More likely, I can’t afford to,
Scotch snorting snobs be-******,
Clan MacGregor does the job nicely,
Nicely, thank you very much.

It sooths my soul,
Easing me into a secure state.
Persuading me to lift the corners of my mouth
And smile a sparkling grin.

Then it snaps,
And screams nonsense in my ear.
Causing alarm and panic to kick me in the gut.
Causing my head to spin,
And my stomach to clench.

It tries to sooth the whirlwind it has lead me into,
To put me back on steady ground,
To breathe through the confusion.
It whispers soothing lyrics to me
To lift my spirits once again,
Encouraging me to smile
Imploring me to steady my nerves.

But panic for some unknown horror has already sunk in,
And the alarm bells are screaming in my ear.

With gasping breaths,
Clenched fists,
And a pounding head,
I release myself into sleep
Where even My Voice doesn’t have control over me.
-ALC January 18, 2019

I wish I met you sooner,
So time wouldn’t feel so short,
Because now I’m counting down the clock,
To the part where we depart.
Where I move twelve hours away,
And our strange adventures come to an end.
Where everything I hoped would happen
Now has an expiration.

I wish I met you sooner,
But I am happy that we meet at all.
Because I feel like your part of what changed me,
That now has me skipping brave and tall.
You remind me of what I was
And what I want to be again,
You help me look at the world
As a new adventure that’s waiting to begin.

I wish I met you sooner,
But that’s just not how it happened,
And I am not sure that it would have been the same
If it had been any other way.
Because I wasn’t ready tell let others in
And I would have been to shy,
But you have me smiling,
**** near every time you say “Hi”.

I wish I met you sooner,
So our adventures could just go on,
And I fear that when I move away,
This will all be gone,
But I’ll hold my breath in expectations
And hope for the best.
Because even though I wish I met you sooner,
I am happy we at least got this.
-ALC April 23, 2017

One last time can we do this dance,
Of uncertainty and shuffling feet,
Of awkward laughing and teasing greetings?

One last time can we intertwine our hands,
Curl into one another
Hold each other’s gaze with unspoken hopes?

One last time can we see each other,
Be near each other,
Indulge each other?

One last time can we make these memories
That will leave my soul filled and my heart empty?
-ALC May 24, 2017

I AM NOT GENTLE,
I am not soft,
I am not a fragile doll, so please do not scoff.

Do not look surprised by the bruises on my legs,
Do not be shocked by my lack of faith,
Do not warn me of lives great loss,
Do not tell me to not get lost.

I want to wander
And climb
And cheer.
I want to be lost,
And full of fear.

I want to fall down
And get back up.
I want to get scratches,
To be covered in cuts.

My porcelain skin
Will soon be cracked,
And yes you may stand there and start to laugh.
Though you’ll never see
The fire inside
That devoured this fragile soul
That you think resides.
Deep in my being
It will hide
Because this lion will conquer
And rule the whole pride.

No I am not a gentle girl,
This I have never been.
I have never thought of life
  As willing to just let me win.
So here I will push on
With my bruises as friends,
And conquer this world
And then,
Yes, I will win.
-ALC February 5, 2016

Oh sweet little girl
Wont you open your eyes
Wont you wake up,
Rise and Shine.

Oh sweet little girl
Wont you watch your tongue
don't be so vocal or else you'll be shunned.

Oh sweet little girl
Hold your head high
Have a straight back
With shoulders wide.

Oh sweet little girl
Don't play in the mud
Your shoes will be ruined,
Don't mess with the bugs.

Oh sweet little girl
You study so hard
Your effort is noted
But your grades are subpar.

Oh sweet little girl
Don't travel alone
There's people at night
Who want to take you home.

Oh sweet little girl
How you've grown
You're a women now
With a mind of your own.

Oh little women
How your drive, drives you.
How you reach for the stars
Even with lips turning blue.

Oh little women
That's not what we said
Don't speak your mind
You're bringing up dread.

Oh little women
Leave that feather on the ground
Leave that bug on the bush.
There's nothing to be found.

Oh young women
Your voice is to loud
The chaos you're causing
is shaking the ground.

Oh young women
You're choices are bold
They're for to strong.
Listen to what you've been told.

Ma'am
We've asked you to stop
We've told you again and again.
You seem to not listen
Your will wont give in.

Your voice is to loud
Your hair isn't right
You are far to willing to pick a fight.
You play with nature
You say as you please
You're breaking the parameters
of what we believe.

Ma'am
It's time to settle down
It's time to fit in
Stop all this ruckus
And follow the rules you've been given.

"These rules have been botched
The've been slashed through with red X.

The women are rising,
And trust me you're next.
We are coming up from the rubble,
From the ash and the dirt,
We come with a vengeance,
Someones bound to get hurt.

We've suffered and begged,
For your ears to open,
Yet you brush away our please
Refusing diplomacy.

So we come with our swords,
Our flames rising high
We come with our voices
Screaming out towards the sky."
-ALC Dec 11, 2019

The knowledge of her death kills a piece of me.
I sit, light blaring at the page, hoping for her to wake up.
I sit, hoping this is all just some terrible hallucination she is having.
My stomach twists as I see his face in my head.
Him, the one that learned how to love her, then lost her.
Sadness, guilt and pity swirl through my body.
I can only imagine the deep pain and loss he is feeling.
All of it is to savior for me to bear
I laugh whipping away my tears
This is silly.
I have watched them from a far this entire time.
Their faces are made up,
Constructed, sculpted, from the words that burn into my eyes.
Yet I feel this pain,
This pain I feel in my being must be the same pain that he feels now,
Staring at her life less body
Limp,
Gone.
I want to lunge at the paper
I want to scream, cry, and laugh.
This is twisted
I hate it for sending me to this emotional place,
But I can’t help but continue,
Loving the action and thrills it sends along the ride.
Her death kills a piece of me.
-ALC

I wake, drenched in sweat.
The sounds of the sirens echo through my nightmares
Dragging me back into this cold existence that no longer holds you.
As reality sinks back in,
And the memory of your permanent departure takes hold,
I melt back into the darkness.
The darkness of the sheets,
Of the night,
Of my mind.
-ALC March 13, 2015

The bird sings into the silent night
And puts all the frogs to shame.
The crickets lower their violins
To be able to hear the echo of names.
The names of all the beautiful things
That makes up this little world.
The names of every flower,
Twinkling star,
And little girl.

The bird resonates into the silent night
A solo opera for open ears,
It bleeds its soul into the darkened sky
Only audible for a few to hear.
The creatures wait on baited breath
To listen to its song.
To hear the melancholy tune
Stretch out all night long.

The bird ***** in its little tree
With eyes only half closed,
It sings a sweet soft melody
To nature down below.
It sings of tomorrow’s promises,
Of all the laughter and the joy,
The bird sings us a lullaby
To help our dreams come alive.
ALC March 17, 2016

I want to lunge at it,
I want to tear it to shreds.
It drowns me with my own grief.
This false grief,
This false grief that fills my body with weight, that wasn’t there minute before.
I hate it.
I want to rip at the pages and re-wright them.
I want to change the damning end that sends the destructive words to my eyes.
I want to carve out his name,
I want to carve out the man’s name that shot the fatal wounds.
Yet
Yet, I see the bigger picture.
I see the ending gives justice to all that has happened.
I have given her the shock value that she has wished for,
And I love it.
-ALC

It’s amazing how we change.
It’s amazing all our games,
Were made for not a single thing
Then to tear us apart and give us shame.
I look at you and wonder still
How we made it work so well,
And I wonder how we made it last
When we were both stretching onto such different paths.
I look at me now and feel utterly free
To be the person I can be.
To stretch my limits beyond your grasp
And take on such a challenging path.
I look at you and all I can see
Is a boy becoming what he wanted to be,
A partier wanting more
From a life that he completely abhors.
I wish you more from life then this
Stumbling and bumping and continuing to miss
The true struggle that makes you feel so free
The one that every person truly needs.
-ALC January 14, 2017

I feel myself clinging
To every cell in my body
Trying not to surrender
To the yearning calling.

You slip your fingers
Under my shirt
And I feel my heart
Stutter with a leaping burst.

My body pulls closer
As we rock in a slow rhythm
To a slowly quickening beat
As we become more *** driven.

My body reaches out for you
Craving your touch;
But my mind begs to stop
We have gone far enough!

What a bad idea
This has all become,
But wow wouldn’t it
Be so much fun.
-ALC February 5, 2017