I want to rap it out
 but I don't know where to start
 it's just so hard

 when 

I talk about things from my heart


 and I don't know how to say this to you
 And be true to myself 
 But I'm not sure I'm ready
 to just put it on a shelf 

 Cause things they keep coming 
 they keep attacking me 
from every angle 
 up down left and right it's all on top of me 

 it's just so hard going through life 

with all these memories 

 Sitting here thinking 'bout old friends
Promised we'd be there till the end
Up late trying to keep my composure
But all I want is a little bit of closure

It always comes at the worst times
I'll see something while standing in line
And the memories come rushing back
And there's nothing i can do 
Nothing left now but to think about you

Bout the good times we used to have
All the crazy stuff we did and we'd laugh

All the plans we laid out together
Turns out none of it came true
 but it eventually did get better

Man the parties we threw that was fun
And don't forget when we both bought our first gun
Loads of alcohol and bullets plus a suit or two
Life was pretty good hanging with you

Sitting here thinking 'bout old friends
Promised we'd be there till the end
Up late trying to keep my composure
I'm just trying to get a little bit of closure

You were my best man and i was yours
Life started getting busy and of course
It got harder to keep in touch 
And get together
But we never lost that vibe we survived
Cause we promised i got your back forever

But then the worst happened
You took a nose dive with some bad people
Got hooked on drugs and alcohol 
And they became your steeple 
Started to lose touch and you turned your back on family

It's so ******* up but we been through worse haven't we?!

Today i don't know where you are
I don't know if you're fine 
or if you're living in a car
A dead beat or just dead ashes in a jar

But Man i wish you would hear this
I still got your back you're not friendless 

Sitting here dreaming 'bout old friends
Promised we'd be there till the end
Up late trying to keep my composure
I think I'm too late to have any closure

To what can I compare her to?
To what could I describe and ring true?

A kiss like the morning rain
Refreshing and life giving
A smile brighter than the sun
That enables all to continue living

Perhaps it's a voice that sings
Like the most glorious of birds
The beauty of it captures me
Resonates to my heart where it rings

Eyes like rubies, no sapphires!
They shine so bright
And fill me with desire

If only I had more than words
Only those given to mere mortals
To describe this angel so lovely
Who must have come to us
Through another worlds portal

As the rain gently falls
The birds continue to sing
I think of the grace I have
All thanks to a mighty king

The trickle of the gutter
A quiet sound but not a mutter
The beauty of it all calms me
Stops my heart from its flutter

As I walked the hills I heard the horns
The stamp of steeds and cry of a hound
I ran towards that iconic call
The hunt was on, I knew the sound

As I watched the fox run and hide
A magnificent creature sleek and fine
The thought intruded upon me
And created an image in my mind

What greater event could I encounter
Of the pursuit of love that I here had

The pursuit of something beautiful
called forth with trumpets and fanfare
Chased by all and caught by few
Tracked and then lost, joy and despair

The chase of the fox
Woman, seductive and coy
Pursued by gross beasts
Determined man and boy

For love like that fox is wily and sly
Catch only a glimpse before it flies by

Sleek and slender a thing of great worth
Pursued by all to bring home to the hearth

For love outside your possession has no value
Home it must reside to bring satisfaction to you

There's so much that I want to say
So much popping up in my feed and head today
But the fact is all that comes out now is
I'm so tired of this

You can't have an opinion unless you're white
You can't have an opinion unless you're black
You can't have, you can't think, you can't do
You're racist, you're not a Christian, you're not Jack

For You see,
I'm tired not for myself
But of all the negativity

I'm so tired of a culture that's bleeding
And we think tapping a keyboard is
Bringing about so much change
But it's not, it's leaving us needing

Needing change that isn't coming
Cause of us it's faltering
A constant uphill battle we've created
But to that end we keep running

We used to go out and help a man in desperate need
We used to give out to the hungry without filming it for our feed

We used to never know what happened on the other side of the globe
But now if we don't then we must be ignorant with a broken frontal lobe

We're called to address so many issues
But we don't take care of the ones that are
Right in front of us in our daily lives
You know the ones that you keep hid deep inside

We call out our fellow man and say I'm better
But the plank in our eyes keeps us from seeing that we have our own fetter.

I'm tired and worn
Maybe you are too
But what do we accomplish
By speaking what isn't true

I want to hear positivity
I want to know i made a difference
I met the need of someone
And created a smile where there was none

A lot have been struggling this year
No job, no money, stuck inside with fear

How about we ignore the social media
And focus on the neighbors that live next door
How about we focus on our communities first before we tackle more

How about we turn off the news
Go outside and make some instead

I'm just so tired and worn.

To Marissa whom I love
the woman of my life
‎my dearest and closest friend
The one about to be my wife

8 years ago in a co-op class
Twas the place that we first met
I loved you from that moment on
Though I didn't know it yet

End of the school year
And parted ways did we
Different directions for a time
The Lord did have us be

Lessons to learn
and morals to keep
Growing in spirit
Our faith in Christ growing deep

Many years later,
Under the fire work lit sky
I finally asked you out
And yes was your reply

I fell in love with
That sparkle in your eye
Deep and blue like the sea
And bright as the sky

I fell in love with your laugh
So joyful and carefree
A testament to God's love
That resides in you and me

I fell in love with you
The peace to my chaos
My calm and balance
Without you I'd be at a loss

I stand here now ready
My vows to pledge to you
Promises of faith and love
And of trials to weather through

I promise to love you
For the rest of my days
I just hope you'll put up with me
And all my crazy ways

I promise to be strong
A shelter ever steady
A place to rest and be at peace
I will always be ready

To hold you tight and close
If comfort is what you desire
Or to simply be a listening ear
When you need to vent your ire

I promise to express
Just how much I love you
Every day for the rest of our lives
Starting now by saying I do

We risk our lives everyday
every time that we clock in,
it's our way of life and what we do
  its the way it's always been.
  
We wake at 3 am to bells ringing
and sirens blare,
we leap to our feet and go get dressed
to fight deep in Hells lair.

In the darkness we don our gear
******* helmet and boot,
as one these brothers all get up
go sliding down the chute.

We run to the truck now wide awake
and with ease we slide in,
we put on our headsets to hear each other all other noise becomes a low din.

We race to the scene where smoke is showing
no one knows who got out,
we put on our airpacks and our masks
to talk we must now shout.

With axe in hand we enter therein
the Devils home amidst the flame,
we quickly search for everyone
boy, girl, man and dame.

The air is hot we can feel it through
the clothe armor that we wear,
but on we search through the building
till we realize we're low on air.

Another​ crew goes in
In their hands the hose
To find the seat of the flames
It's advancement to oppose

We cut the roof we pull the ceiling
Our hands and feet lose all feeling

We find a child we cover them up
We rush back to the door
We bring them to safety and go back in
To check and search for more

For hours the cycle repeats
Till all is said and done
The fire is out, we've done our job
This time we won

No fire is left and all are safe
We put our tools and hose away
And go back to the station
Where hopefully we'll get to stay

Our gears been scrubbed
Time to rest our exhausted bodies

We wake at 8 am to bells ringing
and sirens blare,
we leap to our feet and go get dressed
to fight deep in Hells lair...

To the love of my life
The most beautiful woman
The one I want to make my wife

I hope you know this
I love you without end
And nothing could ever cause
that love to break or bend

You're as radiant as the sunshine
And your eyes shine like stars
You've captured my heart completely
Slapped on chains and put it behind bars

I can't express how proud
I am to be called yours
To be the one in your life
To hold your hand and open doors

You're beautiful
That's all I'm trying to say
And every time I think of you
I want to run away

To go somewhere far
And live with abandon
To the highest mountain top
And live in a cabin

To go somewhere
Where the world doesn't know
To love you fully
And where you never need to go

I love you Marissa
That's all I'm trying to say
And for you I'll do anything
Anytime, any day

Just want you to know
You're my closest lil friend
And when I'm around you
Nothing can offend

Our friendship means so much
But words are so small
Not enough there can be
To possibly describe it all

Your elegant and pretty
But that's just surface stuff
I'll skip all that if you don't mind
I'm sure you hear it enough

Your inner qualities
That's more important to me
So I hope you bear through
And I'll show you what I see

You're loving and caring
Ready to bend a listening ear
You're sweet as the south
You're a joy to be near

Your uplifting words
Like water to the soul
Your love for your friends
Burns hotter than coal

Love you to death
My little friend so dear
Should you ever need anything
I'll always be right here

Lord I come to you with my jar of tears, though I've lost count through the years

I know you have every one counted and numbered, every tear whether awake or while I slumbered

Lord I cry, this one thing I ask, and is it really too much a task?

To be unconditionally loved by one so dear, and to have someone to go through life and to be near

All I desire is to be a husband and a father, to love one woman and never another

To raise up my children in your holy word, even when to the world it's so absurd

Father, I cry, my heart does weep, please my desires allow me to keep

For I thought I was there many a time, but always was cast out feeling my worth less than a dime

My heart is so broken I don't know what to do, Father do you hear my words when I cry out to you?

Lord I wait on you... I know your timing is best, please grant me peace and give my heart some rest

Dear Lord above
please hear my prayer,
The cries of your child
Let me know you are near

I'm weak in my flesh
Sin is so tempting
It dances on the edge
Ever calling and beckoning

Who would know?
It calls out to me,
Go ahead and enjoy yourself
There's no one here to see

But this is not a sin
That just involves me
Another is a part of this
Careful is what I must be

My spirit in a rage
begins to burn bright
It yells at me inside
Don't give in you must fight!

You are more than conquerors!
Does the Good book not say?
He's given everything you need
To come out the victor this day

Dear God I come before you
With tears in my eyes
I need your strength to win this one
Before all my hope dies

Please forgive me Dear Father
For the sins of my mind
Wash it out with your Holy Spirit
And let your Word in it bind

Lord we're trying so hard
We want you in our midst
Please help us focus on you
And your truths not to miss

We're weak oh God
We can't do this on our own
Give our spirits strength to stand
And sin not to condone

Amen

Forged in flame
Cooled in blood
Sharpened with souls
Cleaned of crud

I pick up my sword
Pull it out of the sheath
It becomes a part of me
It's bloodlust begins to seethe

I focus on the blade before me
In it's sheen I see the battle
I envision slaying my enemies
I hear our armor rattle

On the battlefield it looks as if there are
Two behemoths fighting for dominance
Thousands of men on each side
Forming one consciousness

As we rush towards each other
A sudden moment of quiet
Then like the release of a storm
A roaring thunder to break what was silent

In that instant we clash
My soul becomes war thirsty
I lose myself in the drums of war
It drives me to an insanity

I slash with my sword,
I block with my shield
I fight beside my brothers
We will never yield

In that moment I blink
my world becomes black
I come back to myself
The fire makes a pop and crack

My skin glistens with sweat
Sitting under my tree,
Polishing my sword
No one around but me

I close my eyes and breath deep
Making myself calm once more
I have the drive and hunger
The need to go to war

The question is posed, "I'm sure by now you've found other ways to cope?"
And as I look down inside I see dying the last ray of my hope

Nay my friend, cope I have not and now I see I've become my desire.
The monster I fled has come back to haunt, filled with rage, passion and ire.

I bottle my troubles and take on others, stress weighs me down but I refuse to unload.
Daily I fight the beast inside, but he beats me down and my passion he will **** and goad.

There's nothing I can do, I'm too weak to fight alone, and no where I can turn.
I feel like life is a dragon, seeking death everywhere, maybe a town to burn.

When you left my life it was as taking a fence away from the vine, I had no where to climb
Left alone and defenseless,forced to crawl, I became sour and nasty not worth a dime

I've struggled every step I'm willing to admit, fought to stand tall since then.
But I picked myself up and patted myself down, I've gained the strength of a hundred men.

But Cope you say... I'm glad you found a way.
For I am exactly where I was, before I met you that fateful day

As The soft gentle wind
Lovingingly Carresses my face
I am reminded of your
Unending merciful grace

The cool touch of night
And the stars you placed in the sky
Reminds me of your love
And that your presence is nigh

The moon and stars set up above
Like rare jewels in a fine setting
Testimony to your craftsmanship
That no one will be forgetting

Your creation is beautiful
Your fingerprints you left
Your glory is all around
In every valley and mountain cleft

Lord your name
Above all others be praised
Your glory shine
And worship be raised!

My soul it's being torn apart,
Distrust and fears are rampant.
Lord heal this bleeding heart
But let not my feelings become absent

For the pain I feel Is a jealous burn
It feels like a burning knife
Help me Lord to trust my love
And put to an end my strife

A careless comment
from a joking friend
My mind enveloped in fear
these thoughts I wish could end

Trust is the key
And in you I must find rest
Lord I come to you for I know
You have in mind only the best

Give me faith
And end my fear
Let me trust my love
Who I hold so dear

The papers in my hand the knife is at my side, I thought I should say something before I went and died

Dear mom and dad, I say
I'm sorry it had to end this way
I'm sick of this world and struggling just to live day to day

Dear mom and dad
I know you tried to do your best but know that it's not your fault cause deep inside I'm just a mess

I tried to live the way you raised me, but it's hard when this world is so crazy

I take the knife in my hand and I kneel down on the floor, my hand moves to my neck this is what I've been waiting for

Suddenly a light fills my whole room and God looks at me and he tells me to stop, I look at him and I feel my knife drop

Whats going on, are you out of your mind? Put down the knife and we can leave all this behind

In anger I yell "do you know who I am?! The things in my life I deserve to be ******!"

I tried to live right but I can't deal no more, my parents health, and our dwindling wealth, this is easier for sure

I called to you in vain all those wasted years! I prayed and I fasted, I waited for you in tears!!

Not once did you answer a single plea that I cried! why appear now and suddenly care just before I died

The Lord raised himself up and his voice boomed like thunder,
"Listen to me carefully and learn to fear and wonder"

I am the God that dared to create you and though this life is hard to go through, you have a purpose and a place that I need you ready to go do

I bow my head and tears fall down, "Lord" I cry, "why would you use this broken ***?
A vessel to use I am not

There are others out there that have their lives together, people that have never faltered and never waiver"

The lord takes my hand and says, "see the scars on these wrists, signs that you went down spent time in despairs pits."

I want to use you in your brokenness and weakness, lack of faith and this bleakness

For in you with every scar, I can show off my glory and power, make the world tremble
And praise my name every hour

For in you they'll see what was broken and in pieces, something far stronger that is eternal and never ceases

Now stand up my son, for that is what you are, never doubt my presence again, no matter where you are.

I'm here to protect you, this life won't be easy, but I promise you I'm there, in the country, town, or city

I stand up from my grave, the knife back in my hand, I throw it far across the room, and then I slowly stand.

It's a war we wage, day after day, a fight inside that no other can keep at bay

But with my God I will stand strong, Shine a light in a world that praises the wrong.

Just when you think the hurricane subsided,
And found a place where peace resided,
Then comes a storm into your calm
A wound appears which heals to no balm,
Nothing can you do in the turbulent sea,
Nothing can save you from this destiny
Doomed to wander in the unknown
Forever separated and forever alone,
With none but your demons created by the mind,
If you can't forge ahead then you'll stay behind,
Behind in the muck and in the mire,
Doomed to drown for all there tire,
Unless you look not up but down,
Bow your head in prayer humbly facing the ground,
And if the Lord above deems to save you by his grace,
Then none will stop you from running his race.

Falling in love again
But scared to trust myself
Falling in love again
But putting it away on a shelf

The agony of my heart
Wrestles with my brain
Fighting over what to do
However simple and plain

I feel so alone
So hollow inside
It eats and gnaws at me
And makes me want to hide

The flame of love where
Every corner did it fill
And chased away every shadow
Is snuffed out and now chill

There's a hole there now
A chasm so great
So hard to fill
And so hard to abate

It's a monster that claws
Scratches and howls
It can't be satisfied by anything
Forever it prowls

I don't know what to do
Everything moved along just right
The fires lit I tended to
Helped them grow and fight

Then with a flash
A basket over hers was put
Snuffed out the flame
Left nothing but soot

My fire still raged
But alone it stood,
The other but coals
No fuel and no wood

Oh Lord above
Light it again I cry!
I can't stand it anymore
I'd rather breathe my last and die

The valleys too deep
The dark is too black
The road is too long
But there's no turning back

The road's been chosen
This burden to carry alone
The choices I make
I try to condone

Asked once how many I've saved
I looked up not knowing what to say
I can't remember them, the ones that live
For the saved are not the ones that stay

Six is the number I lost
Six that I revisit each night
What if something was different
Did I do it all right?

Six is the only number I count
For they are the ones I see
The ones that haunt my nights
The ones that stay with me

I see the cuts and my heart stops
What happened since I last saw you
To bring you to the point of cutting your skin through

Have I failed as a friend?
Was my encouragement not enough?
What could have happened in your life
That you deemed it so rough?

Do you not understand?
Those cuts aren't just yours
They cut deeper than skin
In someone else's life it bores

Deep into their heart
Forever printed in memory
The pain, the fear, the ache of knowing
That someone we love was in jeopardy

Please understand, we don't care what you've done
All we want is to help
This problem to overcome

With love we hold out our arms
To keep you safe in our embrace
You don't understand how we feel
That you had to come to this place

We're here to help you though
Just let us come and help you
We're your family and your friends
And we'll fight for you to the bitter end

How many times
Do I need to say
That you're beautiful
In every single way

Your smile gives light
Just like the sun
And in your eyes I get lost
My mind becomes undone

Your voice is music
And soothing like honey
Your laugh is angelic
So I try hard to be funny

To feel your soft skin
Leaning against my side
To know you're mine
And our love never need hide

I want you to know
You're incredible to me
You're beauty is unmatched
And deeper than the sea

The Demons come about
One on every side
As I lay down and weep
Cover my head and try to hide

You can't fool us! They cry
We know of your sin
No matter how hard you fight
It's always going to win

I cry out in anguish
I yell at my defeat
I'm sick of the burning
I'm tired of the heat

I'm done! I cry out
I'm sick of being a tree
Standing strong and never bending
I've been laid to my knee

Again and again
my foe I do fight
And again and again
I try to do right

But I'm too tired
I can't stand anymore
The challenges keep coming
Running in through an open door

Dear God, I cry out
Please save my worthless soul
Give me strength yet to stand
And not allow my conscience to dull

The hole begins so small
But then it starts to grow
It gets deeper and widens
To what end no one can know

No one knows the pain
That's felt when you're alone
The darkness becomes a friend quiet but for a moan

Surrounded by friends
But no one is close by
And all you want
is to lay down and die

To put on a smile when you're nothing but empty
And still make people think you're full of vigor and peppy

It tires you out day after day
And all you want is for someone to say

Hey I know you,
don't you dare lie
I can see in your face
You're​ ready to die

Then with vigor you speak
And release it all out,
fight the sadness and the pain
You're ready to let loose with a shout

But no one comes up
You're still all alone
Instead of looking for help
You decide to just go home

How does the cycle end
Only one of two ways
Find help get a friend
Or your life you could end

Ask yourself this question as you go to sleep tonight
Was there someone I met that needed help in their fight

Can I go out and do better
Listen to someone and care
Is there someone who's hopeless
Who just needs me to be there?

People are committing suicide and dying everyday
It's about time we stepped up smiled and said hey

To be a friend to the hurting, the alone and the abused
About time we stepped up
The gifts of God be used

To be the reason someone's still here and alive today
And all because we sat down and listened to what they had to say

It doesn't take much
Just a good attitude
A willing heart, a lending hand
To help change a depressed mood

We come before you Almighty God,
Policeman, Fireman and EMT
to say a prayer before we go
Our ways to each his own Duty

Together now we've come to pray
In case we forget to
During our busy day

The Policeman steps forth,
“Dear God above
Keep us save
and also those we love.

We pray for your unending favor
that we never need use
the rounds we chamber

Our Vests that we wear
for our own protection
please keep 'em bullet proof
and our safety never question”

The Fireman steps up, and then takes a knee
“Dear God above I need you now
I know you're always watching me

In the Fires of our Hell
or on the highway to there
Please keep us from hurt
and not singe a single hair

Give us the strength to lift a wall
or tenderness to pick up a tiny child
give us peace when others are losing it
and peace if the scene starts getting wild”

The EMT takes his stand
“God I guess it's my turn
Not really safety out there
or the protection from a burn

But rather Lord I need your help
let me make the right decision
on every patient that I care for
Their lives in my hands I've been given”

Then all Three stand together
with their heads all bowed low
Dear God above, to all of us
please your mercy would you endow

Keep us safe and bring us home
to our wives and our children
And each time a truck roles out
let it come back safely to it's building