"Insecurities are the worst demons to live with", she stands at the podium.
"Can anyone tell me what insecurities are?", she stares in front, looking at the ten students who were presumed to be messed up by the school board.

A boy with a blue hoodie raises his hand.
"Insecurities are our fears of our fears coming true, it's the absence of feeling safe or secure. Which leads to an emotional turmoil of trying to fix them. To ignore them but ultimately they end up taking us", he speaks confidently as his head is bowed.

"Have you had your fair share of insecurities? ", the girl walks up to him and crouches. She notices the exhaustion in his demeanour, the pain, hidden secrets. And death in his green eyes.
He stares at her brown eyes, filled with sincerity and concern along with a dose of hope. She finally found them.

"Haven't we all?", a girl with grey blonde hair speaks up.
Heads turn and look into her direction.
She plays with the hem of her shirt,
"We started off carefree. Young and willing to explore, we meet people who change our lives who make worthwhile but then others. I don't know about them but they take parts of us and play with them, they toy around with them and then drop us. Like old unwanted toys. We begin to wonder, question our hearts, search our minds trying to figure out where we went wrong and that hurts. We then build unnecessary yet necessary theories as they begin to make sense.  That's when they lurk in. That's how we get them", her voice shakes

The boy with the hoodie sighs, "And to think that's only the first part of them", he looks at the lady and croaks his head, "Studies show that we can get rid of these insecurities but I don't know. I've tried all these measures all the ways of getting rid of them but they don't ever leave. They stay, they don't even lurk in. Shucks depression is nicer than being insecure. Depression leaves for a while. But this", he shakes his head and massages his temples.

The lady walks up to the podium and sighs, "Being insecure is a painful thing to experience because with insecurities comes more demons willing to take advantages of you, willing to destroy you trust me I know"

A girl with glasses begins to laugh, "Everyone here knows that Miss, we're all insecure, this could be in terms of our grades, our love lives, our family, our lifestyle, our sexuality, we are all insecure. But the question here is how do we get rid of them? How do we feel normal? How do we get rid of this insane feeling, the hostility we feel from our own selves. How!?" She pushes her glasses.

The lady sighs once again, staring at the girl. She closes her eyes, "I don't know. I believe there's no way out with insecurities. They manifest inside us, they evolve and they become stronger. All I do is face them head first. I stopped thinking and accepted them. I am insecure and I am learning to accept that I am not perfect"

"Do you think that's the answer Miss", the boy with a red bandana scratched his head.
"Acceptance?" His voice heavy with a British accent.

"You said you learned to accept your imperfections and here you are now. Talking to us about our issues. Does this mean you're no longer insecure?" He furrowed his eyebrows.
"Does this mean there's hope for us?" He smiled exposing his pearly whites.

The lady sighed, pondering on how to answer that.
" I don't think that's what she meant", the boy with the hoodie speaks up.
"What she means is that once we learn to accept them like she did. We can learn to move on. To live with them. And truth is they won't hurt us as much as they do now. I mean we know we're not perfect and its okay. It's about acceptance and appreciation of our scars"

1.You're simply amazing that it becomes impossible to use complex words to truly portray your beauty since no amount of words in the world could ever define you.

2.Wewe ni ajabu tu kwamba inakuwa vigumu kutumia maneno tata kwa kweli kuonyesha uzuri wako tangu hakuna kiasi cha maneno katika dunia inaweza milele kufafanua wewe
  
3.Jy is net amazing dat dit onmoontlik komplekse woorde te gebruik om jou skoonheid werklik uitbeeld aangesien daar geen bedrag van woorde in die wêreld ooit kon jy definieer.

4.   Vous êtes tout simplement incroyable qu'il devient impossible d'utiliser mots complexes à véritablement représenter votre beauté puisque aucune quantité de mots dans le monde ne pourrait jamais définir vous.

5. È semplicemente incredibile che rende impossibile utilizzare complesse parole per davvero rappresentare la tua bellezza poiché non quantità di parole nel mondo potrà mai definire .

6.   es simplemente increíble que resulta imposible utilizar palabras complejas para verdaderamente retratar su belleza ya que ninguna cantidad de palabras en el mundo nunca te podría definir.

7.    Είστε απλά καταπληκτική ώστε να καθίσταται αδύνατη η χρήση σύνθετων λέξεων με πραγματικά απεικονιστεί ομορφιάς σας δεδομένου ότι κανένα ποσό των λέξεων στον κόσμο θα μπορούσε να καθορίσει ποτέ σας.


So if words couldn't possibly be enough then perhaps if I write it in another language it would be enough, but unfortunately it isn't. Words no matter how I put them out its simply not enough.
You're Adored greatly,  
You're simply Amazing.
And I thought you deserve to know.

My neighbour is heartbroken.
She had her heart torn into pieces by a poet,a writer, a painter and a singer.
Her silent cries are thought to be hidden through her thick walls.
But I hear them.
She spends her nights screaming and rummaging the pain silently away.
But loud enough for me.
I hear her sharp razor tickle through her skin creating a flawless crisscross pattern.
I see the blood explode from her vein running down her no longer smooth skin dripping on the tiles forming a puddle.
I hear the loud crack from her throat that shows me the tears that desperately escapes from her eyes,running down her cheeks searching for a way out.
She covers her mouth,closes her eyes and huddles, hoping she's tricking her heart to believe she's being cuddled,
But her mind and I know what's real.
Her blood's escaping vigorously,
Her hearts beating ferociously,
Her mind is wandering off into darkness tremendously.
My neighbour is heartbroken and I don't know what to do.
I cannot save her.
She believes that I am like him.
Because I am a poet.

I never loved you...

The truth is what I felt for you was greater than love itself.
Cliche of me to say that I know but people always find a way to describe Love and I couldn't do that with you.

I couldn't sit myself down and rehearse to the walls a heart melting speech on how I love you... I couldn't get my heart to even say those words.
It didn't feel right.

It didn't feel right to the extent that my mind and heart agreed that saying these words would feel like I'm adding a faint colour on my canvas of broken dreams, lost hope, abandonment, lies and far much worse things than pain.  

It never felt right to do that because when I first met you my world never stopped neither did the universe instead they began to move as if I've been stuck on pause for a really long time and you were my play button, you began my life.

I never loved you... But I swear I was always in Love with you and that's why I could never do what they did.

"What's the worst feeling you've ever experienced", she stared at her.

The girl cracks a smile and pulls back her caramel black hair, "My name is Kay by the way. It's not short for anything"

The girl blushes and puts her head down, "I'm sorry my manners seem to have disappeared. It's just that I've always wanted to have a serious intimate conversation with a stranger", she sighs.

Kay ***** her head and bites her lower lip. Looking at the beautiful girl with grey eyes. "Don't tell me your name then. Let's have that talk. I'll call you grey", Kay smiles exposing her pearly whites.
"I don't know what the worst feeling I've ever experienced could be really. I mean can we really compare each experience with the other?" Kay stares at the blue black sky.
"Each experience is traumatizing so can we really compare every traumatizing one with the other? Like they were all traumatizing but different from each they can't be compared", she closes her eyes as she allows the Sun rays to warm her face.

The girl looks at Kay admiring her carefree persona. She had some sort of atmosphere. It made the girl want to know her more, make her laugh and protect her? She furrowed her eyebrows and began to study her.
Kay had thin yet slightly full pink lips, she had a scar similar to Harry Potter which made her smile. She had an English nose and slightly pointy yet round ears. Kay opened her eyes and smirked. The girl lost her breath as she noticed Kay's honey eyes and began to clear her throat, "I uh I think unrequited love has to hurt the most", she bows her head.

Kay furrows her eyebrows in confusion, "How so?"

The girl scratches the back of her head, "We fall for someone and we love them with every bit of ourselves. In that process we lose ourselves by loving them but we gain parts of them from their love. However when the feeling can't be returned. We lose ourselves to someone who can't bear to lose themselves to us because they don't see us in that way. And it hurts because you know it yet you can't stop" she sighs.

"You can't stop loving that person. Loving them for all their wrongs and all their rights. For them simply being who they are. And sometimes you watch that very same person fall in love with someone else. And that part stings the most", she bows her head and clenches her fists.

"You wonder why not me. Why not fall in love with me", her voice breaks.

Kay looks at the girl with grey eyes intently and sighs. "You're really beautiful Grey", she immediately locks eyes with her and gives her a tight smile. "The truth about unrequited love is that there's always a third party you never know about. There's always that one person who watches you fall in love with someone that's not them. And to top it all off. The person you're in love with won't reciprocate your feelings. And it hurts. Watching the one you love, love someone else who isn't able to love them back. Talk about double unrequited love", she laughs.

"But then again there's this theory about unrequited love", her smile widens.
The girl with grey eyes furrows her eyebrows and scrunches her nose, "There is?". Kay giggles, causing goosebumps to show on Grey.
"No love is lost Grey", Kay stands up. Dusts her skin tight ripped black jeans.
"It's not unrequited forever", she gives Grey one last smile, exposing her pearly whites and dimples.

"The number Pi is a mathematical constant, the ratio of a circles circumference to its diameter is commonly approximated as 3.145159. Being an irrational number, pi cannot be expressed exactly as a common fraction. Consequently, it's decimal representation (22/7) never ends and never settles into a permanent repeating pattern", He told the girl sitting next to her.

"You like math I see", she chuckled.

"No, not exactly", he sighs
"I'm trying to tell you something, what I feel for you cannot be expressed properly, it's like pi, what I feel is deep and never ends, it doesn't settle to a repeating pattern because each day it changes and becomes something stronger", He looks straight into her eyes.

"Since Ancient civilisation, mathematicians have been trying to find the ending of pi but they only ended at about a thousand numbers. Then in the 21st century Computer scientist decided to give it a try, but they ended at 13.3 trillion before they exhausted their computers", The boy took a deep breath and started to play with his fingers

"Chances are a lot of people will try to figure out how I feel about you, myself included but no matter how hard I try it'll always go deep, it's infinite because I am irrevocably In Love with you"

They told me to take things back to the 90's
Take things back to the heart
Told me I should have done this from the start.
But the views from my six are contoured.
Covered in foundations of fuckboys, fuckgirls and blessers.
So tell me how do I express my heart when this generation believes the only functioning ***** should be brain,
Because heart will **** you
And the others are going to die from harmful ingestions.

They told me to take it back to the 90's.
Take things back to the heart.
So here I go.

The basis of my poetry has always been pain.
My heart and soul always confining in a dark pit of abyss.
My body constricted in a corner
Huddled up, popping everything it could.

Now the basis of this story isn't about you saving me,
But how you gave me your hand, shoulder, smile and wisdom to the path of saving.
Of how you opened your chest, tore out your ribcage and gave me your broken heart as you took mine.
Of how you taught me pain is inevitable but suffering is optional
Of how you showed me true love.
And how grateful I am.

In twenty four hours the heart beats 115200 times.
At least fifty percent of the time my heart skips a beat.
This means from 57600 beats and above are skipped.

A week consists of seven days
In hours that's approximately 168.
As like the first at least fifty percent is lost in thought of you
Which means 84hrs and above I think about you.

An average of all 12 months is approximately 140 days.
Okay skip the math, let's get straight to the conclusion.
Math is a fine art of illusion.
Filled with various abstract to distract you.
But the rule is you will always find your x.
The x that completes your equation.

So what I am saying is that you complete my equation of life
You're my X.

Literature teaches us to express our feelings in terms of literal devices.
From anecdotes, personification to lititoes.
It tells us to sing with our hearts,
Speak with our souls and allow our voices to do it all.

Like Christina Rossetti,
"My heart is like a singing bird"
"For my love has come to me"

Look truth is you give me butterflies.
You make my heart swell up in happiness.
You make me feel alive.
You make me stutter out of nervousness.
You make me want to impress you.
To always put a smile on that beautiful face.
You make me want to hear your laugh every single second.
You make me happy
Which makes me want to make you happy.
Because pain is a feeling we all get to experience
But happiness is rare and I want you to feel it.

What I am trying to say is
I'm taking it back to the 90's
To the early 2000's
To tell you, you're one in a million
That I'm stuck on you
And that I am madly in love with you.

In this post apocalyptic world.
Happiness isn't as important as acceptance

Accept me for me.
And I will accept you for you.
I won't judge you or hold grudges against you, I won't make you feel inferior neither will I act like your superior.
I'll do my best to be support you and stick with you even if you hurt me...

But accept me for me, I'm a little messed up, crazy and bipolar.
I am what people call different?
I am what people call a social outcast because I am all in one a ****, a nerd, a geek or whatever you call it.
I'm a bookworm, a wallflower, I like to stick on my own but I do like to go out.

I'm not a serious person because being serious comes with horrific memories of my past so forgive me, forgive me for being childish, its a defence mechanism against this Canvas of pain that surrounds me...

Accept me for me and I'll accept you for you...

I am moving on.

I have my eyes set on the stars,
My mind landed on the moon and my heart exploring the planets.

It no longer hurts when they talk about you, neither does it stain when I see you...

I've moved on.
I'm not in search for a chemical equation to help me feel complete, I am not trying to find myself a covalent bond, an ionic or even metallic bond.

I realised I am like the noble elements,
Like Neon, Helium, Xenon and Argon I am complete without you...
I am the perfect balance.
I don't need you...
I'm happy,
I've moved on.

Unknown.
Unspecified.‎

"Ladies and Gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for on the left we have The undisputed, most lyrical sensation in the world, Prodigy", The speaker announced.

"And on the right we have, the growing, unknown, unspecified the last Bounty Hunter, when she slays she slays", The speaker shouts.

PRODIGY 
Moving with the flow of beats, I serenade my thoughts with new symphonies.
New melodies, thoughts cascading through creating a lyrical abstract.

Now let my words infuse into you and misuse 
Your subliminal thoughts. 
Let me tell you the tale of a lost soul found by the soulless. 

It wasn't a nice summers day.
It wasn't a blistering cold morning.
There was no pain involved whatsoever.
The lost soul feels nothing but moves with the flow of the wind, whichever movement taken it will be accepted. 
The soulless saved me, from a whirlpool of lost and unknown souls they saved me and put me in a situation where feelings were unrequited, unnecessary, sociopath tendencies rolling in,
They saved me. 
Showed me the light of darkness but took me out the darker abyss.
And no amount of gratitude can show that when there's no existing feelings in the first place.
They turned me into a prodigious phenomenal.
Told me my words could get me anywhere.
Ladies and Gentlemen I am Prodigy
A legend amongst the dead, the living, the unknown, the unimaginable.

THE LAST BOUNTY HUNTER

I move with sensational beats,
Stomping to the floor getting down and *****.
Thanking the legends for showing me the streets,
The actual hustle the struggle the flow of the people.
I am the last bounty hunter.
The last of my people, the fighter.
I am like the Ruger No. 1 Varminter K1-V-BBZ one shot and you're out.

"Alright ladies and Gentlemen we got our introduction now it's time for the main attraction. The main topics, we will start of with Prodigy, your topic is Blissful pain".

PRODIGY 

Blissful pain.
Breathe and forget the strain.
Pop pills later and let them invade your veins.

It's Blissful pain.
Bloodshot eyes.
Shaky hands.
Woozy thoughts.

I drowned so much to forget you.
Swimming in liquor,
Taking strange detours.
Hoping to forget you.

It's blissful pain.
The drugs and alcohol make me forget you, make me smile, makes me laugh and free spirited.
The after effects hurt.
Rusty hangovers, forgotten nights and swarming thoughts of what we used to be.
Blissful pain.
Bitter sweet moments.
I miss you...

"Woah okay now it's The Last Bounty Hunter, your topic is Green hills"

THE LAST BOUNTY HUNTER 

Green hills.

"Save me", she whispered.

I watched her at the top of the hill.
Tears running down her face, posture all down,
Her self esteem gone, her entire demeanour broken into tiny little pieces of non existence.

"It hurts", she whimpered.

The green hills holding her in place,
Making her look down on what's meant to be her doom but is rather her freedom.
The dark green trees hold on to her praying she doesn't fall.

"Don't", my hand reaches out to her.
She jumps, falling down, the Green trees try to save her from falling each trying to catch her.

"I'm sorry", I close my eyes as I watch the green Hill devour her.

"Alright Ladies and Gentlemen the next match will be based on a specific topic and that topic is Hunted"

THE LAST BOUNTY HUNTER.

The days are the days of the years of the ages of our dreams.
Realising we aren't what we truly thought we are.
Focusing on dreams of being the hunter yet we are the hunted.

Maybe I don't understand, maybe he doesn't know and maybe she does.

We search seeking for answers, never really finding them but end up digging more in a pit of unanswered questions.

We toggle philosophy, entering the metaphysical ending up with the epistemological.
We complicate the simple, fighting complexity with simplicity.

Hunting.
I lay down looking through my lenses,
Searching for a loophole, a spot, to pounce on my prey.
Because let's be honest.
Our greatest ability is to find the weak spot of the toughest strongest.

Patiently waiting for you to mess up.
I know you know I'm watching.
I can see your insecurities dancing in,
Waltzing, doing oh so melodious moves.
I see them in harmony, in synchronisation with my plan.

You're scared. 
Not ready to fall so I leave.
Giving you a peace of mind till you relax, till you're ready. 
One two three, shots fired.
You've been hunted.

PRODIGY

I've never been one for words.
Never one for feelings and emotions.
I've just been one to move with the motion.

So when she stopped me I was lost, confused.
She put her hand across my cheek
Cheek burning, the sound deafening.

"Why", her voice cracked.
Her bloodshot eyes caught mine. 
Searching for answers praying that I would show her the light. 
That she might be the one I would truly fight for.

With confusion flowing through my mind I turned and walked away.
"I'm not that type of guy", I sighed.
"I can never be that guy". I left

He looked at me as if I was crazy.
"Even the wildest animals out there have feelings compared to you", He laughed.
"You're like a hunter, you **** and you get a thrill put of it and you don't put emotions in it", He spat.
"What the **** is wrong with you", He shouted.

I stared at him. 
Not enough running through my head.
I cooked my head and started laughing.
"Everyone is ****** up" I paused.
Took a deep breath and walked away.

"Well then the final piece is a freestyle feel free to do what you want", the announcer spoke.

LAST BOUNTY HUNTER

For years and centuries I've been a dreamer.
Praying to the gods hoping to become a great believer.
Trying to find the light so that I can become a controversial writer.

I had my heart caged on rage.
My soul flipped and sold for truth.
Hoping to find my true self.

I am the last of the legends.
A writer amongst the lyricist.

I've seen souls sold to the devil for the oblivious life.
Had dreams broken for the delirious minds.

My granddad told me I could be a hero someday.
That I could find wisdom by my writing. 

I looked at him and asked him if I can do it.
He told me "Son you are a Bounty Hunter you can do anything"

My words are my weapons.
This pen is my rifle.
This paper is my ammunition.
This life is my redemption.
Each story is an unravelling revelation.

"Alright ladies and Gentlemen next we have, Prodigy"

PRODIGY.

Alright this is a story of my father and I.
We were somewhat tight, close.
Regardless of my condition I felt something with my father, respect.
I looked up to him.

One day stating at the blue sky, watching the grey clouds, I asked "Dad?"
"Yea son?", He looked at me.
I took a deep breath, watching the sun get overwhelmed by the clouds, the blue sky getting darker. 
"Do you think I'll ever be normal?", I looked at him nonchalantly. 
"I don't know kid", He sighed.
"Does it bother mum that I'm not like the others?" I asked barely above a whisper.
He looked at me, His green eyes overwhelming me with answers, the got teary and at that point I knew the answer.
Reading his sudden dropped posture,
His sudden fidgeting of hands.
Trying to find his words, I raised my hand
"It's okay, I understand", I stood up dusted myself off and walked away.

"Alright that was deep" The announcer mentioned.
"Ladies and Gentlemen who is your winner?"

.

“You’re the one that I lean on”

Emotions
Emotions
Emotions.

How do I expose my ulterior when I had shut down my interior.
My motives remain different but still plastered with the same smile I put out on my exterior.

But this.
Slightly different.
Wholly honest.
Well I would hope so.
After all this is a piece with the heat of the moment.

Black and white.
White paper, black ink.
Nothing more, hopefully nothing less of the truth.

Within, without your pain or mine.
I want you to have your specific happy ending.

If you do believe that happiness is non existent and your toxic fully carries you and makes you feel.
Nothing to do with being alive. It just makes you feel.

Then let your toxic consume till the day your soul tells you otherwise and pleads for you to settle.

Let what you want and dream of happen now.
I wish you nothing but all that you desire.

There’s never ever any negativity that I would wish for you.

But admittedly my pain will always be written and if you take it as a jab to your chest.
Truly do not.

I only express my truth to poetry.
Don’t let it make you think negative of yourself.
Allow it to show that I’m human, I hurt, I feel, I love and laugh.

Just find your own Happy ending.
I’m radiating positivity to you.

So I had something written down but then I completely erased it. It felt as if I wasn't saying much.

So I'll try this. In a relationship people always have this objective of trying to save someone. I don't know if that makes sense. But someone is always trying to be your hero. Like they feel that they have the power to make you feel safe yet be able to take that away from you. Because without a hero like maybe Superman or Spiderman where would the city be right?

But I think differently. Getting to know you made me realise something. I wanted to be my own hero so that I can be the best girlfriend ever. I wanted to be my batman so that I can protect you, my Gotham city.
But as time moved on. You opened wounded layers of me and you still are opening them. And you're by my side helping me close them. And then I thought to myself. Wow this girl is amazing.
She's not the typical I want to be your hero person any random person meets.

You showed me something about a relationship. It's not about being your own hero but that does play an important role. It's about finding someone who connects with you. It's about finding someone who's willing to help you with your journey. About finding someone who's helping save you. Someone who's by your side.
Like a sidekick. Most people think less of them. But look at Batman. He has Robin. And without him Gotham isn't safe.

Look at the Avengers as weird as it seems they have more than one person helping each other out.

Or even Spider-Man. He has his own guys with the help of Shield.

I'm getting to my point don't worry.

See the problem of having to be your own hero is that we have cracks that we can not get closure or get them filled alone. And for that we ignore them. And these cracks just keep on getting worse until we are at a point whereby we don't know. Literally we don't.

For example one of my cracks I have is my lack of confidence.
On my own. I would have probably ignored it or come up with a situation whereby I just need to lose more weight. I'd probably be anorexic by now.

But because I have someone like you. I'm finding ways of trying to appreciate myself. Because I'm a beautiful person. I'm a good kid. My baby says so and it's true.
You help me help myself be better. You're by my side as I try to save and find myself.

Which is something I want to do for you
It's something I'm going to do for you. I want to be your sidekick. Your Robin.
Opening up is hard. I know and I understand. I care so very deeply for you baby. Shucks I'm madly in love with you
I want what's best for you. I want you to have the most amazing life ever. I want your heart and mind free from everything that torments you.

But what I do not want to do is force you ever.
I will never get impatient with you. And even if you push me away. I'll stay right here and keep it solid.
Each time you're sad. I'll type the longest message ever. Especially if I can't get to you immediately

I love you. I really do
And I'm here. To talk or not, I know that sometimes we just need to be there for one another and not talk. Just for us to embrace each others presence and I'll be there for that

I'm your Reastar
Your girlfriend
Your best friend
I'm yours

Being with you has to be one of the most heart wrecking thing I've ever experienced.

Surrounding myself with you and communicating with you is a constant reminder of how much I'm falling for you while you're intensively falling for him.

I know I last heard your voice 16 hours ago.
That I last saw you 24 hours back.
That I last kissed you 68 hours ago.

I know it hasn't been that long.
Well I know that ideally I am supposed to say that.

But I miss you.
And I always want to be around you.
I always want to kiss you.
I always want to hear you laugh.
To watch you smile and to watch your eyes sparkle whenever we spoke.

I want to be in your presence.

**** man.
I miss you

Interlude.

What's your favourite colour?"
A question that has lived with me throughout my entire years.
With confidence I said "purple"
They always asked me why. I never really gave them the most appropriate answer. Mainly because when I was young, purple made me feel different. Girls were always expected to love a certain pink, to always follow that order. Purple made me feel superior.
Made me all sorts of different.
Always a good different.

Little did I know.

Purple stains*.

Tomorrow is a day closer to our day.
Everyday is a day closer to ours.

I sit on this wooden chair,
Listening to it creak as my body makes a frontward backward motion.
I stare aimlessly at the road ahead.
Wondering.
Always wondering.

"Annoyed with the World?" she puts her tiny soft hands on my shoulder.
Making me feel the heat radiating from her.
I continue to look forward. Already knowing where she's going at.

"The perks of being an Eccedentist",she whispers.
"The secret of this pain lies deep within but can only be seen by our kind".
I sigh, massaging my temples. Not really feeling the need to hear what more she has to say.
In attempt to run away, I pick my heavy battered body up and start to walk away.
She chuckles light hearted "Running again I guess?"
"How long will you deny these stains? How long will your body handle them? Don't run away. Talk to me"

Her words remind me of a certain everybody. Always telling me that they want to listen.
To comfort me.
But they don't understand, I'm not trying to get pity or supposed heartfelt advice.
I don't want that.

I continue to walk away from her, counting every step that takes me further from her view.

"I am in pain", I whisper to the winds.
"I've got bruises so deep that they have turned into scars. The kind that stains every part of me"
"I want to cry", I slouch my body.
"But what point is it to waste my tears on someone that has put me on hold? Should I really be doing this. Crying so loud for love that existed only for their benefit"
"I'm an instrument of pain", I laugh.
"He is my composer. With each stroke, with each beat. He creates harmonious symphonies that leave the crowd bewildered. He creates a wave of sensual vocals that lead me breathless and in pain"
"People love his work, they love to listen to the beats of my drained heart,  the soft strum of my throaty voice", I sigh.

My body is at halt. I can no longer continue to walk.
With that, I fall heavy on my knees.
Hands on the rough sand.
Head trying to bury itself deeper.
"Everyday is a day closer to ours", I cry.

My body shakes feverishly letting out the pain.
My throat cracks in attempt to let my voice be heard.
My heart shatters even more. My mind flustered and goes black.
My eyes are bloodshot, but no tears.
It's only been a few months but it feels like years.
Holding on to him. To this pain.
I try to get a grip onto the soil but my body fails.
I fall, now laying on the ground.
Whispering, crying to it.
Finally letting someone in.

"I told you, that only I understand you", she crouches and releases a small smile.

She squints her eyes and croaks her head.
"What's your favourite colour? "

I keep quiet. Not from embarrassment but from exhaustion of this cycle. I'm always caught at my worst.
Why must I always be caught.

"No answer", She sighs
"How do you expect to get over this if you don't talk? " she whispers harshly

I sigh, I shut my eyes in hopes for her to disappear.
I can't handle playing to her. For her own comfort that her life is somewhat better than mine.
This instrument, is worn out.

"I'm still here you know. And I'm not trying to save you. I could never do that. I'm not him",I hear
"I just can't watch you break down like this anymore. I don't want you to feel what I felt", she coughs.
"I'm not here for saving. If you refuse to talk of your pain at least let me in on your favourite colour ", she pleads.

"Purple", I murmur

"Just like the colour of your stains",she laughs.

Like nature I do not want to be dependent on you.
I want to be one with myself.
I want to grow and evolve.

Like the tiniest seeds, I want to be carried away by the wind, the rain or the animals.
I want to find myself in the soil as it protects me from ****** birds and excited worms.
I want to sprout out from the soil, experience the sun,
Embrace the wind,
Harbor the cold
And face pure germination.

As they say germination can be thought of as anything expanding into greater being from a small existence or germ.

Like nature I do not wish to be dependent on you.
Regardless of the love you do not give me,
I will extend my roots and find it within me.
Because you might think I need you, but the truth is I don't.
I have learned to evolve just like nature

Glory! Hear the voices of the Queen

Embrace...
The warmth hidden and exposed,
The laughter and power within.

At long last! Hear the voice.

Allow her to take you to the land within, the soul without,
To the mythical energy that bonds you as one
As her vibrations bring you back to life.

Watch her.
As her soul floats into the universe
Dragging what is without in you to a place of serenity.
Listen to the sounds of what is your divine intervention.

Do not ask but feel,
This heave,
As your eyes burn red.

Embrace this sound as she has freed you.
Nubian voice!
At long last!

I want to feel you
Trace every part of my body with your fingers
Make my body scream
In the grasps of ecstasy

Let your eyes linger onto me
As your fingers make trails on my skin
Caress my *******, my stomach, my legs
And more

I want your tongue
To ******* body
I want you to kiss me
Kiss me until I am out of breath
Devour me
All of me
Make me surrender

Let me feel you,
Trace every part of your body with my fingers,
My tongue,
Till your body screams in the grasps of ecstasy.

Let my eyes linger onto you,
As my fingers make trails on your skin,
Let me feel you,
Feel your body tremble as I caress your breast, stomach, legs
And many more.
Baby let me listen to the sounds you make as your body explodes.

I want to taste you
Inside out
I want my tongue to take all of you in
I want to kiss you,
Kiss you until I'm out of breath
Let me devour you.
Surrender to me baby.

"Mummy can we dream?, can we pretend we're not living in the streets?
Can we pretend to be high and mighty sipping on some coffee with cream?
Can we mum?"

"Mummy can we dream? Can we pretend the muffled screams are sounds of joy rather than pain?
Mummy can we please?"

"Lets pretend dad's here, he's happy and you're not crying yourself to sleep.
Can we pretend that I don't have these scars and that my uncle never hit me with beer bottles, lets pretend he bought me a teddy named cuddles".

"Mummy can we dream?"
"Can we pretend Aunty never killed herself and that Granddaddy never pulled the trigger on Grandma?"

"Please mum lets pretend?"

I'm addicted to you.
That is the truth and the only truth.

Like the hard drugs you take the pain away.
You take it all away and fill it with the warmest touch.

Maybe what they say is true, maybe you're not good for me. 
Maybe you're bad for my system.
But they need to understand that you're my first Fey.
I remember our first touch in the winters day.
Your warmth invaded my hands, travelling down my spine creating the most surreal goose bumps.
I remember our first kiss, It was bitter but in the sense that I couldn't get enough of you. The way you Tasted and the way you smelled. 
The way you trickled down each part of me.
I love how everything seems to just disappear with you, I have the best laughs, the best conversations, the heated moments of just pure bliss and ecstasy.

They say you're no good for me.
But compared to the others they keep their mouths shut.

You're my addiction Fey,
You're the Caffeine that keeps me up.
I'm at  my highest with you.
My lowest without you because the reality that surrounds me is pain. 

You're my addiction Coffee.
My one and only escape from this Coffee.

Call me antediluvian, 
But I want to hold you by your hand
Kiss you on the cheek
Whisper, I love you
Call me delirious
I'm just in love.

‎It's hard to say,
That your body animates me
It's hard to say, 
That I want you

It's hard to say, 
That I want to caress your every flaw with my tongue 
It's hard to say, 
That I want to make love to you.

It's hard to say
What words cannot do

Like art
I want to draw you
Trace every inch of you with my fingers
Read every bit till your breath hinges
Watch every part till your toes curl.

It's hard to say,
What words cannot do.

Let me taste your thoughts with my tongue
Inhale the sounds you make
Exhale and grunt to the way your back archs

It's hard to say
What words cannot do.

When there's so much to do
That words cannot say

One day she may beg for your forgiveness.
One day he may come back crawling.
One day they may want to sort things through.
They may want to get back what was lost because they miss you...

But for now they are walking away from you...

Imagine to my surprise when I say.
"You're my soul mate"
"You're my sole date"
"Yet we can't be because of fate"

Imagine to my dismay when he told me.
"She doesn't love right"
"She does't believe in it and so she fights all these emotions with all her might"

Imagine to my chest when,
It heaves
When each breath comes with a tug of pain.
And each beat with a realisation that we cannot be.

I cry.
I scream to the top of my lungs because I know what I want.
"Why doesn't she want me back?"
My soul keeps asking and my spirits keep shaking.
Nodding it's head no!
It doesn't make sense.
Why is the universe so over the fence about us?

Imagine to my soul the pain.
The emotional heart strain.
Truly can I not find and accept love in you?

You're my soul mate.
My one true fate.
So why can I not get closer?
Why must you be so far and so cold to me.

In this epiphany I see no us but I feel all of us.
It shouldn't be like this! If I don't get you at the end of the day.
If our souls cannot merge and become one.
Why must my soul convulse  and be torn from limb to limb.

Imagine my sheer disappointment
When knowing my one true cannot be my only true.

Panda this goes out to you.

I am accepting that the universe has linked us to be two of the same but not enough to be one.
It just affects me mentally knowing that what should be my other half is half of someone that I once was and cannot wholly be forever.

It affects me to notice how we synchronise yet we end up breaking apart.
The complexity behind what we had mistaken for simplicity.
Isn't there just a way for us to restart?

To meet in an alternation whereby our souls remain the same yet allow for the two of us to become one?
A universe that allows this to not end in such a dull dark way?

Can't I get a proper ending with you?
You're the soul mate that could be a star crossed lover.
Yet why haven't and why can I not fully experience us?

Welcome to my testimony.
Silently allow my words to infiltrate your mind and create this imagery of a matrimony.
Allow these words to cluster your mind,fill your heart as your veins pop with excitement as I take you through the ceremony.

I was battered,
Emotionally tattered.
I saw my soul walk away from me.
I watched my demons come at me in forms of alcohol, pills, depression and anxiety.
I ran to the corners and they whispered for me to confide in them.
I choked on my words as these monsters were inside my ear, inside my head, I covered my eyes as they were lurking in. Smirking to me and telling me it was over.
I tried to run to you but I couldn't, tried to express myself but I felt like a broken statue.
I forced myself but still nothing.
I was worried, terrified, petrified, all the words in the dictionary.
I tried to say something but my vocabulary left me,
My pronunciation betrayed me.
I felt myself slip from your grasp.
I shouted and screamed as I watched your eyes fill up with black ink.
You closed your eyes as you let go of me.

As I was falling off,
The wind tried to push me up,
Tried to save me but the demons fell heavy on them that they let go.
I fell back first on the pointy rocks,
Vertebrae cracking as it made contact with the rocks,
Ribs cracking while stabbing deep into my broken heart.
I laid there for months.
Wallowing in the heat while embracing the heat.
Thinking about you

It took me a while to realise you're worth the fight.
That you're the reason for my blissful nights.
You were my teddy when I was scared, I always held on to you tight.
But I let you go that day
I never fought for you with all my might.

And I apologise.
You're my freedom,
My emotions, my thoughts
My only hope in this world.
Poetry you're the one.
And I'm back for you.

Watch as I please you with my lyrical words.
As I go bases higher than third.
As my words hit you to home run.
As my words become the golden goal.
Poetry I'm back for you.

To forget you, I thought I would delete our messages.
Our pictures together, even your number.

I then remembered all the memories are carved in my heart and burned in my mind.

Today
Today I saw nothing but blissness,
Covered up with clouds of video games and the exotic taste of Wi-Fi to lead me in the direction of blindness.

Today
Today I felt my thumb and index finger throb in exhilaration with just a teaspoon of rejuvenating pain.

Today I sat anxiously looking at the screen,
Running away from reality by re-creating a fantasy where I was the hero.

Today I ran away from this distasteful land.
Just like most people would.

Today I became an ignorant human being.

I followed the loud whispers of 'ignorance is bliss'
And for that I got the sweet serene kiss of nothingness.

Yes I admit today I was ignorant and I ran
Dodging and jumping, avoiding trouble in the forest of life.
After all there's only so much one can handle.

Responsibility called out to me and I pulled my get out of jail free card and I sat in front of the screen.
Envisioning a world like my video game.

Today I was ignorant
But not for long.

Leaving my sanctuary screen,
It was that time,
The time where my chores screens in "finish me,  do me, it's about that time",
Reluctantly I stood, eyes fixated on the trash I had to take,
With a heavy sigh.
I listened to the callings of my chores.

Plastic in my hand filled with yesterday's food,
Today's cleanings and maybe a little bit of breakfast.
Stomping down the stairs,
Unaware of my surroundings,
As ignorance enveloped me in a tight hug.
Shucks I'm only human.

My last step down the stairs
My senses heishtened, the warm chill envading my legs,
Causing goosebumps to rise, along with my left brow.
"Am I not to be ignorant? Why do I feel the wind? " my mind searched
My ears picked with a cry from a girl.
But this was no ordinary cry.

A cry of happiness when a daughter sees her father
A cry of contentness of an adventure between a father and daughter.

My ignorance shattered after that.
There are fathers that stay and become the greatest of parents
They need appreciation too.
Because a father daughter bond is just as important as a mother daughter one.

You make me realize how empty I am.

At long last, I have felt purely and wholly indifferent to everyone.

My toxic has overwhelmed and left me.

She's smiling, she's laughing.
Her eyes are glowing while sipping on a cup of black coffee,

'no sugar just good ol black coffee' she laughs.

She portrays an aura of strength, confidence and serenity.
Yes She's the independent type.

I'm no stalker but my mind tells me to follow her.
It tells me there's more behind all that. So I stay...

Her friends leave and her walls come collapsing.
Her aura screams Pain, her smile faded as if it never really existed.
Her eyes. Goodness gracious are blank with no emotions yet filled with thousands of emotions passing through all portraying pain.

She's independent,even though she's messy and all she stands tall, smiles and wipes the tears away, no matter who's watching.

I'm a little traumatized for not being able to write for so long.
Am I somewhere between writers block or I don't know what to write?

I'm a little bit traumatized, well not a little bit but a whole lot bit.

My passion stays burning but where's my need for writing?

Please don't cry...
Please keep trying, please stop crying.
Stand tall keep fighting.

I can't do this on my own, my body is wounded filled with bruises, scars and burns all figuratively and literally.

Please stop crying.
Your tears are causing step dad to hit mum harder, causing my real dad to brand me, my grand dad to wash me in blood, the type he used to hurt her.

Please stop crying.
Please show some strength because the more they see this the more their opportunity to hurt me rises.

They see pleasure in my pain, their greatest treasure is this huge stain in my heart.

Please stop crying, at least stand tall for mummy.
Take her pain and don't show it, smile to irritate them, so they at least focus more on you...

Please stop crying to save her.

I want you...

In ways that I cannot define.

I miss you...

My heart beats less without you as if I'm dying.

I'm lost without you...

My heart is constantly searching for you that I'm usually never aware of where I am.

I need you...

I literally feel complete with you.

Be mine.

Because I promise to give you all of me in ways I have never. I'm usually never one for emotions but for you, I'll try, I'll put in extra effort because I care and you mean so much to be. So Please be mine. Allow me to do my very best to make you happy.
I don't believe in happy endings but if they ever exist I hope that you'll be it. My fairytale, My happy ending.

"You're so cute", she giggles.
"Yes I am", I stand up and flex my muscles.
"Liking my boyfriend and ****", she blushes and looks to the clouds.
"I mean if he makes you happy then bruh heck yea", I flex my muscles again.
"I'm afraid he does...", she let's the words linger and sighs.
I Furrow my eyebrows and look at her, "You're afraid?" 
"Ee mma (yes ma'am ) ", she looks at me then returns her sight to the clouds.
I look to the clouds as well, hoping to see or read further into what she's saying. 
I see the grey clouds, bland looking, filled with so much mystery, so many questions, will it rain, will it not rain. 
I look back at her, "That he makes you happy?, kana I might be reading a tad too much into this"
She laughs,"I am, what are you picking up?"
I chuckle nervously,"‎That maybe you actually mean that this vast amount of happiness is scary and you don't know what to do with it". 
Her ****** expression changes  and her eyes glow with wariness, "Yes, exactly".
"I think you should enjoy it or something? I mean remember how we had a conversation and we don't truly believe in it. I think like just embrace it, I don't know how though", I scratch my head shrugging.
She looks at me and gives me a sad smile, "I'm enjoying it.. but kana 'monate o hela ka bosula' (Good things always end badly)", she sighs.
"That is so true. I mean I don't think we can ever be ready for that so I can't tell you to prepare yourself or always expect the unexpected because regardless of how it is it will always be unexpected. But according to Buddhist or monks they believe that if you imagine the bad to happen then it'll hurt less, I mean sure it may hurt like a ***** but it won't hurt like a ******* as it was", I look at her and smile
She looks to be in deep though, "Hmn. Monks or Buddhist are smart", she smiles back at me.
"Yea", I grin and look back at the clouds

But I don't know what I miss exactly.
Or if I really miss you.
The misshaps of death might have left me here,
But I miss you.

You were a cruel bitter sweet memory of my childhood.
A surge of pain and heartbreak in my eyes.
The reason behind her glass eyes and exhausted posture.

I miss you.
The sudden heavy weight of death.
Caused a rising pain in my chest,  a cut in my throat.

There exists a black hole.
Piled up with emptiness, searching for more.
Hoping to fill it.

I miss you.
Your lips moved in hate.
Spitting senile, hatred words.
Staining my heart.
You never really had a soul from the start.

I miss you.
I miss the days you were goofy
The days you made me laugh.
The times life shined through and showed us the gentle side.

It hurts, missing you with a dash of hate.
Hate for you not being able to apologize.
For you breaking what we were.
The bond we once had.

The awkward moments rose each day.
Every time you died a little.
Everytime the hospital stench started to feel like home.

I miss you.
You hurt me.
Them.

I miss you.
I feel incomplete.
Come back.

Please.

On a scale from one to ten.
I think about you 24/7.

"I don't understand, If you know that it can **** you, then why don't you continue to consume it?"

Ask a smoker why they continue to smoke even if they know it could give them cancer.
Ask an alcoholic why they continue to drink even if they know that it could destroy their liver.
Ask her why she's chasing him even though she knows he's only going to cause the worst heartbreak and probably destroy her.
Ask him why he's still popping his veins on some drug even if he knows that everything around him is dying and he's soon to be next.
Ask him why he's cutting himself even though he's only breaking himself inside out and creating scars that will haunt him.
Maybe they'll give you an answer that I cannot give you.
I could say I'm doing it for the thrill but the reality is it's an addiction that I cannot fathom.

You’re the one the I need.
You’re the one that I wanted.
You’re the one I get hurt for
You’re the one that I lean on.

I sit outside contemplating if I’ll ever have the right words to fully orchestrate the greatest love song.
Pondering on the ideology behind each symphony and melody.
Trying to figure out if I can truly compensate for each octave. After all I’m no singer.

I stand before a very large crowd. All eyes on me. I hear each murmur from the background. It would seem they are all waiting on me.
Dressed and draped in black, my hands begin to shiver, sweat trickling down my forehead.
I don’t have the voice for this. How on earth do I put on the greatest show.

Deep breath, inhale, exhale. I tell myself. If it’s all for a love like no other.
Surely I can make this work. Somehow I can. Because if it’s for her. Then I need to become the greatest showman to date.

I want to say things like “I’ve never believed in fate and that every fibre in me believes there’s no destiny. That I always sought love to be superficial or more of a fantasy.”
However I’ve always been a sucker for romance.
And I always believed that love could enhance every bit of our surrounding. And in saying so. I am stating to you that you’re my comfort in ending. And I hope that having a knowledge of this is profound. Because at the end of the day, you’re the only love I need and have found.

I stare in awe at the crowd. At first lost for words. But to the thought of you, I’ve found inspiration. At the sight of you, my confidence sky rockets. I don’t know if you know but you’re my motivation. And for as long as I can imagine, all that I want and need is within you.

I’m a victim of love.
I have stood before Cupid and allowed for him to take a mugshot of me love drunk.
I’ve been in a position whereby I fought love and thought it was love.
But my reality always pulled me out of this dream. Dragged by gravity. I realised it was all idealised, conceptualised misunderstandings of what I thought was what my heart needed.
Because at the end of the day. The love I had given out was never reciprocated. It made me feel as if I was doomed.
As if I was to be consumed by the world and to be hastily chewed up and spit by the people that took my heart only to decide that it wasn’t good enough.

Feeling like you’re not good enough and being put in that situation is painful. I remember fully telling myself that I cannot be that again. I need love that is not only healthy but will help me grow and become better and be in a case of “Finally, I feel at home”

When you walked and came into my life. I never expected that.
I know I was wholly curious about you.
I know I wanted to know more, I wanted to know what makes you smile, what makes you laugh, what makes you happy, sad, confused, confident, what ticks you off, what angers you, what makes you. So you.
And how can I be apart of your life. How can I see that smile everyday and make you laugh and make you see the world the way I see it in your eyes.

And it’s weird. I know.
But when i heard your name for the first time.
It felt like my heart finally found its other half.
I love you.

***

Sensual, explicit, extraordinary

FOREPLAY

Communication, touches, eye contact, spiritual pull.

Passion, Intimacy, ***

***.
The combination of raw, untamed energy,
Unsuccessfully molded into one.
Bursting with each arch
Burning with each grunt.

Heart thumping to each melody
Mind so white as bliss rockets out her body.

***
Caress your thighs,
Let me strum and create a band
drum and create a symphony
key and harness the harmony
Let me orchestrate your body while you sing for me.

***,
Let me whisper a Terza rima
“Do you want to be ******?”

Foreplay.
Grazing your thigh, looking away
Small subtle smile appearing.
Sneak peeks, blushing, lip biting.

HUNGER
There’s a hunger,
A craving for more.
Chest thumping, heart stumping

Slowly, I exhale
Deeper I go into this autumn forest
Lost and excited about this evening breeze.

“Touch me”, I whisper
As each part of you covers, marks what is within me.

Licks, bites... more!
Heavy breathing
Tongue twisting.

My voice wishes to be heard.
Unleash your inner beast,
Burn me
Warm me
I’m raging wet and cold!

Intimacy, Passion

Call out your soul,
Mine humbly and impatiently awaits,
Restrict your outer,
It’s time for your inner to shine.

Let me paint you with a colour of four,
With each stroke, call out your soul
Mine painfully awaits.

Sing to me
I’ll compose you a piece
One of meant for a goddess.

Before you reach your peak
Call out to my soul.
And fully feel me devour you.

***
Foreplay
Intimacy

Crave my passion
Want, need and be given
Come!
Explore the beauty of the pearl!

I've got a common set of insecurities.
A wide variety of trust issues.
A closet filled with I can't love you's.

I've got a tainted heart,
Painted all over with cracks,
Wrapped around in bandages,
Filled with holes where hope escapes leaving me less whole.

I've got a broken mind.
One which over-analyses each concept of the world to avoid further damage.

I've got hitched breaths and broken voices.
Wirings in my head,
Cocked up screws running my emotions
Forcing me to hide and avoid commotions

I've turned into a literal device.
I've been given limitations.
Turned into a personification.
Talk about a huge oxymoron.

I've been turned into the world's biggest metaphor,
An allegory of what people shouldn't be.
I've been made into some anecdote.

They believed  I would succumb to the notion of pain.
That I could be battered and tattered into some emotional mess.
To wallow and swallow the hurt,
To writher and turn hollow.

The thought assumption is that the final process of completely annihilating a person.
They must be tantalized and blown to smitherings with ones past.

It's the perfect analogy of a literal masterpiece that comes with a lesson.

However the forgotten loophole of meeting a person willing to stand by us has been casted off.
With the assumption our feelings have become one as machinery.

They forgot we could be Wall E and Eva,
We could defy the code.
We could stand tall, fight the pain and feel better.

Laying underneath the ***** brown tree I pause.
I hold on to my beating heart and look at you.
Memorising your features from your almond eyes,
To the freckles on your cheeks,
To the pearly whites of yours. 

A smile slowly forms as I feel the heart on my hands beat ferociously.
As I see the holes and cracks in it slowly close.
As I watch the darkness being overwhelmed by light.

I close my eyes just to heighten my senses.
To be able to hear your breathing.
Slow and steady breaths. 
Heart thumping with the rhythm of my own.
Talking in morse code.

I pull my arms out and open my eyes.
I look at the red, muscular object.
Beating hard.
I sigh and look at you.
Almond eyes watery.

"This is my heart, it's not much but this is it. 
You're probably wondering how I'm able to breathe but as long as my heart beats in rhythm and harmony with yours, I'm alright"

There's a little bit of pain everywhere.
Emotions cut throat disturbing the mindset of others.
As her bloodshot eyes tell the story of a broken heart.
His teary eyes represent the broken, defeated part of his soul.

There's a little bit of pain everywhere.
A small impact that creates a wave of emotions that begin to cluster our hearts and creates a weight of heavy pain.

There's a little bit of inevitably everywhere.
I ask,
"How long shall this storm tear us further more into pieces? "

Her body wobbles like jelly. Vision darkens like the night sky.
The euphoric feel brings her to a close high.
She hits the ground, feeling nothing but her broken battered heart.

He looks at her,  not knowing what to do.
His head faced down, tears flowing like the river.
He tries to understand but his heart screams "**** the cycle of life"
He closes his eyes and ***** his fist with frustration.

I stand there watching them.
Eyebrows furrowed, a heavy hardened look plastered on.
Try not to feel their pain because what I feel is not for them but for me.
What I feel is selfish.
As they look at who they became because of her,  I reminisce the memories and chances I got to see him.
I think about the things I could have done.

How I should have stayed there and said my proper good byes to the man that raised me.
But the Pride he Created and built in me.
The level of strength he engraved on me.
Disregards the sense of emotions I need to let go off.
Eyes furrow deeper as I try to support them.
To watch them and try to be grateful for the life they had with her.

But seconds later, my soul wanders to the mourning I need to do.
To the mourning that will haunt me.
For I never gave you a proper goodbye.
And for the goodbye that will never come.
I'm not ready.

"Forever?" she whispered.

I closed my eyes and held the bridge of my nose.
I sighed, "I don't believe in forever"

She gasped, 
"You don't?", her eyes became watery

"The concept of forever scares me, The idea of looking deep into your eyes and prophesying forever only for it to not be forever", I cleared my throat.
"I don't want put us both in an emotional disaster, I'm not about building ourselves only to be the main destruction of this utopia"
"I love you in a way that I have never loved anyone, you're my first"
"My first kiss, my first spark, my first intensified butterflies, my first everything, I can't let a promise of forever get in the way of that, I won't and I'm sorry but I can't promise you a forever, I love you too much to sell each other dreams" I sigh

"I lost my best friends to a forever, The first one committed suicide and I don't know what happened to Rhea, she's closed off, she's gone, she's all ****** up and here I am recovering from the worst kind of pain because I found you", I sniffed, clearing my throat to force the silent whimpers down. 

"I'm not ready for a forever", I bowed my head.

"I'm not ready to lose you", I whispered

I tell you
That my memory is hazy.

I tell you that perhaps it’s my head that made sure that these memories are fuzzy.

But you stare back at me.
With a wound slightly opened.
And you tell me
“Maybe it’s all just really in your head”

That doesn’t help.

Been a couple of months running high on writers block.
Been searching for my sense of writing, wait. I haven't been doing that.
Been crazy focusing on school and the girl of my dreams.
Been stressing on exams and trying to get my life together.
Been hoping for some sort of light in my writing without trying to force it.

The beginning of my birth month has been a bit of a downfall.
Losing friends that matter and having a couple setbacks with school.
Lost the love of my life got her back but I'm confused.

It's in my best interest to have her  but not in hers to have me.
Should I tell her to do what's right even if it doesn't involve me?

I'm confused and this doesn't make sense I know.
I'm sorry, it's just that I need more than the physical to explain myself

I guess not enough painkillers can take away a broken heart.

"Help me to understand what's so special to you about it", she said as she laid back on the leather love seat.

Alright, I'll try to give you a peak.

"Why not more than a peak, why not speak more of this art you like", She asked as she took a sip of her coffee.

Because my dear a peak is all you need.
It's all you must understand so that your body,mind and soul craves to feed.
It's not an art to me by the way, it's more like a way of life.
It's rhythm and soul drawn into a mesmerising canvas by the usage of words.
It's blood and sweat drawn from our hands inked into a piece of paper.
It's simply just Poetry.

I cannot define it.
However as much as I could put words out there would it ever be enough?

But Darling it is special to me because it brings me freedom.
It draws me away from the pain that drowns me in this world.
It allows me to pause for once in my life and see the world. To see our generation grow and unfold.
Poetry tells me to pause and admire what is around me, to stop and smell the freshness, the purity, the danger, the emotions all around me.
Poetry allows me to share what so many of us fail to do.
We keep moving with the motion that we forget to stop and admire.
We forget that we are humans and that we're not robots that are required to just move.
Poetry brings me back to reality at the same time it makes me feel as if I could break the laws of gravity.
Do you understand dear?

I look forward to my tomorrow with you everyday.