I wondered if my love for you died.
Weird, I thought I would have fought for you, I thought I would have cried.
Instead everything felt hollow.
Not having any inspiration to write, its, not loving you. Its a hard pill to swallow.

Who am I if not for you poetry.

Prior to the trending song, I found solace in the lyrics.
At first, I can admit when I heard the song, I only thought
how Giveon's voice was rich, husky yet so gentle and velvety.

Man was I not wrong.
To believe that I could never relate to his words.
It took some time but I realised.
That for some reason, my heart can't evade you.

Now,
Before this sounds like a confession or anything.
Let's not take it that far, I'm not saying I love you the way I lvoed you then.
I'm not saying, I'm forgetting all the wrong you did to me,
I'm not letting the pain caused go.

But I can't say I don't not think about you.
It feels wrong but it feels right.


If my friends ever found out, I'd be dead by now.
And I understand why, but they wouldn't understand our why not.

I remember how, I wanted to see you, How I spoke it to the universe
Hoping that if I see you, I could have an answer to my what if's and
my why not you's. But at the same time, I didn't want to put that out,
I- No we have moved on by now.
We found people that are good for us.
We can't mess this up, I can't mess it up.

I wondered, If everything my heart yearned for was muscle memory.
I always did go out of my way to see you.
Whether you were mine or not.

"I can't say I love you no more, Because my friends gon judge me for sure"
"It took some time but I realised"
"You do me wrong and it feels nice"

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE STUCK ON YOU.

Not sure how I feel about letting this out to the masses.
I could just bury this and not have to put myself in this predicament.
The more I hold it in, the more I endanger my mental health.
But, I don't know how to  feel about it.

I haven't really written in a long time,
I don't know if this is the correct way in which I can express myself.
Let alone know how to express.

I find myself in situations whereby I wish that I didn't have to cross a specific point.
I find myself heavily tired of being emotionally and mentally drained by my life just so I can learn and be stronger.
I find the process of life heavily tiring.

I'm probably coming off as suicidal.
I apologise to anyone that I trigger
It's just if  I don't voice it out, I might have to pull.
And I don't know if I am ready for that.
To be wholly lost and fully gone.

Lately I have been feeling a lot of pressure.
I've been carrying the weight of everything and everyone I treasure.
So much so, I don't properly know where I am headed.
Maybe towards the lights?
Because being strong shouldn't be something I have to be all the time.
I shouldn't be strong.
I can't handle it.

There's no proper flow to this, I wish there was but like my life everything is everywhere and messy and unorganized.
**** man, my twenties have me mortified.

I just wish.
I don't know.

But I just wish that I didn't have to learn life like this.

It's sure as hell winning because I can't anymore.
Why is everything so much.

For some months, my biggest worry was that writers block was going to engulf me.
Which ironically it did. And no one really understands how trough writers block is.
Because all you want to do is express yourself but you can't.
It's frustrating.

Spending all my nights waiting for inspiration to call me.
It being the only thing I want before I fall asleep.
It's daunting.
It's as haunting as all the demons that wrap themselves around me at night.
Telling me I'm no good, I'm no writer.
But you still fight, you disregard all those negatives.
Because I'm a poet, its my prerogative
Poetry is my one sedative.
Surly I should be able to write.

So here I am, listening to a song that brings a smile to my face
and all I can picture is you.
All I can feel is how you make my heart race.
It's wild but its as if you're a stronger safe space compared to what poetry used to be.
And oddly enough that eases my mindset,
It's as if my writer's block has been sent free.

"You're the only one I want by my side when I fall asleep"
Not necessarily to write about the many million things going on in my life.
I have you for that... well not only that.
But I have you who hears me louder than poetry.
I have you to listen and not criticise or overthink my words.
I have you to listen and understand what I'm solely trying to say.

"Tell me what I'm waiting for Tell me what I'm waiting for I know it's hard, but we need each other, Know it's hard, but we need each other"

Whenever I have inspiration, I tend to get excited.
And naturally knowing my flow, I grab what's here and there.
But take it easy with me.
I have all the words and I have to use them.
No matter how jumbled it is.
I just have to.

Spending all my nights thinking about you,
You're the only one I want by my side whenever anything happens
Waiting for that one moment, I can fully show the world that I am yours.

Spending all my nights waiting for you to call me.
Spending all my nights reminiscing to every good and bad moment
Concluding that I want you to know that, Imma be there for you.
You're the only one I want by my side when I fall asleep and when I wake up.

You're the coffee that I need in the morning.
Through drought and famine, natural disasters, my baby you have been around for me.

Everytime you hold my hand I feel it.
Who would have thought I'd meet you.
Who would have thought I'd get to be embraced with a love so strong and beautiful.
It's only you and I.
Everything I need, is all that you are.

You're all that I need.
Not poetry.
Who would have thought I'd find you.
Who would have thought I'd fall this hard?
And I'll take my time to really uncover the poetry that you are.
The real poetry I have been needing in my life.
Not the one that appeases others.
Not one that seeks for criticism or plays false pretence.

Just pure poetry that portrays the strongest form of love ever.

Man.
You don't know do you?
That when you hold me
And when you kiss me
It's the sweetest thing.
And it don't change it only grows.

I just want you to see how beautiful you are.
Wherever you go, I'll follow.

You feel like all seasons combined to one.
I don't even know how to put it,
You're the sunshine to my life.
The warmth that protects me from the cold.
The coolness that protects me from the harsh sun.
The warm Autumn breeze that brushes my face,
The spring that brings everything to life.

I've been waiting my whole life, to find
Someone like you.

How far we go always seems to get better with time.
I'm yours, girl.

I have so much to write.
But writers block is suffocating my writing process.
My mind swarms with so many things to say.
Yet I can't put it to words and it's getting to me.

This is isn't my first rodeo with writers block,
So by now I should know how to break out of this dark hole.
Yet here I am, feeling empty and less whole.

Poetry has always been my form of expression and here I am
Stuck.
But we're going to push it.

This week has been testing me emotionally.
And **** it, writers block won't win this mental war.
My writing won't be up to par,
But it will be my writing.

Emotional test number 1.

I'm getting attention from the opposite gender.
It's as if I'm suddenly in their rader.
Which I can understand to some extent but if you've spent a lot of your life in a specific environment that stayed stagnant.
A sudden change is, overwhelming.

So here I am,
Men staring,
Mouths watering,
Minds wandering away to devouring me.
I can see the lust in their eyes and I guess it's because I look more mature now?
I don't know, its uncomfortable.
I don't know how so many women have to go through feeling like this, especially at their place of work.
Getting some questionable compliments.
And some downright inappropriate snide remarks.
I'm not enjoying it one bit.
And before someone gets to commenting on how I dress, Friday is causal Friday and I wear the baggiest **** ever.

It's weird
And extremely uncomfortable. To be in such a situation.
I hate it.
Especially because the female human resources manager that is supposed to protect the staff at all cost or as far as her work powers allow her to protect is never around.

I don't like it one bit.
I don't like feeling uncomfortable and scared in my work environment because my colleagues and Superiors find me attractive.

Anyway.

WEIRD THING NUMBER 2

I just have to make it in capitals because my heart feels dribbled.
And unlike Football, no one is enjoying the show.
It's just a disaster.

But that's for another day

There's quite a lot that I could put to words.
And to be fair subliminals aren't my forte.
But consider today a different story.
There's just so much I'd want to relay.
But so little ways to convey.
Without getting in trouble that is.

I'm not saying much,
But I'm saying everything all at once.
Can you tell I'm subbing you?

I wouldn't know how to cry for help.
I hope I'm not alone in this.
I hope somewhere out there someone is reading this and their response is " That one I Felt"
I feel like when I feel defenseless its in me to suddenly dismiss my feelings.
Which is sad because I need healing.
I need to stop feeling like I'm nothing but a weakling for wanting to be more expressive.
Swear, I'd pat myself on the back because admittance to emotions is impressive.

Anyway, I hope one day to cry for help and receive it.
In the meantime I'll allow for this darkness to swallow me whole.