God,
I wish
I could be yours and
you'd be mine.

******* pressed
against your neck,
I think I can feel it
the way an ear would hear
the rhythm of an ocean
in a shell.
Is this racing for me?
or someone else?
85
beats
per
second.

I can see the night
Sprawled across the sky
like you on the carpet
nose stuck in a book.
Up here
from my rooftop
I can count from this height
However many flicker
in the country
while you're sipping coffee
beneath street lights.
I wonder if
you're thinking about
Turning in too sleep
since early in the morning
you're off to face the world.
It's then I hold my breath
just for a moment,
To cease the notion
Of a girl
Trying to change
her stars.
Sometimes
the city isn't always
an exciting place to be.
It's kinder here with fireflies
and cedar smoke lulling
the honeybees to sleep.
So, if you know
what a shame it would be
to never see those stars
The ones
we thought were ours again.
if you could just
hold one in your palm
Maybe
your mind would change.
Because
alone in the dark,
They never look the same.

Every inch is
dressed in gray
ashes of our yesterday
Scattered all throughout the air
I let them go without much care
since every time I breathe
Through what remains
I ask you not to leave
For me
while you slip
from my hands.
My life line does not understand
Why this array of
Burnt remains is almost through
While I cry out your name
It all tends to be the same
Please don't leave me
Here alone
I'm afraid too
I grieve for you
As all your
Ashes, ashes
Fall...

I wish I could be fast on your bike
The way you travel this world
Like a kid or enthusiast.
To feel your heart race
against your shirt
that has me quick into thinking
that maybe I've learned
While you ride fast
I fall
and there's no looking back
Only me  watching you go.
It's emptier now
when I can't hear your voice
saying, "good morning"
to the shops opening on my street
As I lay in my bed
where dreams only fool me
I can imagine your wheels turning
as the soles of your feet
Break ******* the pavement.
Maybe you'd look up
Just for a moment...
To see if my window was open.
Still, the heart doesn't know
that my mind begins learning
If you ride fast I fall
and there's no returning
Only you and black bicycle

Here it comes
the words
you want to say
but never do.
You hold them up
in your mouth.
That tongue's so red
of yours
Aren't you tired of
biting down.
So hard
on the harsh truth
You lose
like a poet
the right words
to choose
when you're rectifying
all the lying
but it's pretty when
You call me honey
And say, "it's nothing personal"
but I care for you
and I think about your face
when you say,
'Everything is fine,'
When nothing's going right.
Aren't you tired
of the blood
spat back in the sink?
How you think you're
On the brink
of discovering my secrets.
Just kiss me on the cheek
and whisper something sweet
in my ear
before saying things
I don't want to hear
I'll still listen
as long as the words
don't stop.

I want to escape
My body is a weight
I'd wish to plunge into the sea.
All this salt inside my wounds
still,
I cannot be unanchored to you
"Nothing purifies
     a body like mine," you say.
I dream of ships
crashed upon the rocks
where they lay my body soft --
against the tattered sails,
Do you lust for me now?
You ****** these broken limbs
like a ****** hound
biting at my heels
was I good for just one meal?
chased out in the road
where girls like us go
to say goodnight
to what we owe
for a body that is
not our own.

if it were so simple
to backspace myself
     into oblivion
              than
I’d have done it
long ago.
      where words
             and pills and
your boxcutter
would never hurt
     as much as
              living.

I'm late again
for the train
not my period
except the one that
comes at the end of
this sentence.
I barely make it too
Saikyo-line
the worst place
for women and girls
but it's on the way so
I put up with it
even though it's packed
and hot and full of
sweaty people.
I'm lucky I guess
to find a seat.
There's a man beside me
dressed all for business
he doesn't look
in my direction
So I think nothing of it.
While I settle in
there's the slightest
brush against my arm
I react and then disregard it
as filtering air.
A few minutes go by
I text a friend on my phone
and the same brush comes again
but closer to my chest.
I react the same way
I move closer to the separator
and continue on with
my text.
More minutes pass
and there the touch comes
but now it's a grasp
low on my hip.
The boy across from me laughs
as I jump out from
where I was seated
but the business man
acts as if he was asleep.
I do nothing
Just like the boy laughing does.
and it goes on until
I get off
at the next stop.
There's a schoolgirl
that walks by me,
takes the seat where I sat
I should warn her, I think
but I keep moving on.
If you do nothing
Nothing gets done.

May I...
      trace the lines
                on your face?
                    and read what's written
                           in your palms.
                                  I want to know
                                            If I'm a part of
                                  your future
                 and if such a fate is
written in the stars.
            I wish I could know,
                    what to do with every
                                 freckle on your skin
                                            May I connect each fleck
                           to the ones on my arms?
               near my heart,
I'd create a galaxy
            of lovely stars
                        and new worlds
                                        for us to see
                                          and I'd know it'd be so
                                                                heavenly...
                                                 so may I take
                                your hand in my own
                   and let our tapestries
collide for all time.

It's peanut butter crackers
and diet coke.
A time to reflect on choices,
life, failures, economic goals.
In the background,
without sound
there's a shadow,
never stitched
nor set by adhesive.
It's simply there
like I am
on this carpet,
Indian style
wondering if
someone can see this.
This body,
this soul,
this crippling person
who flicks bits of toasted crumbs
from her lap.
Staring into an enormous oblivion
wishing to swallow her whole
until nothing remains
but the shadow.
This is depression
at it's finest.

Is it possible
For a soul
To be untouched
By free will?
So they're kinder
Towards us struggling
To keep our heads
Above water.
Instead,
They are the hands
That hold us under.
We drown,
They smile
And life goes on.

I am a rib
pulled out from your cage.
I am the apple
pressed against your lips.
I am the warmth
within your breath.
The sweet nectar
on your fingertips.
Your heart was made
but your soul was mystic.
The otherworldly flow
of spirit
within boundless space.
A warrior of flesh and blood
inside a
mirror-image
of my face.
"bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;"
What is this you have done?
You,
my demise but still
I become the mother
of all the living.
For the dust I am,
I will return.

I am no...Annie Leibovitz
weilding frames per second
in an angled lens
while you tilt your head back
to laugh at whatever it was
that I said.
It's beautiful.
The sound of your laughter
filling in-between pauses
like music,
so sweet and so dear
but I am no Henry Purcell.
The Fairy-Queen lilts like a bell.
It's all so much like magic
how tragic it is
to have your eyes see mine
and still never know I exist.
I am no Girl With A Pearl Earring
I just find you endearing
how if Sandro had found you
decades ago
You would be Venus
and I would be Picasso.
Both so different yet striking
and maybe you'd know
You are my everything.

Belly ache,
mistake
crumbs in the carpet.
Black out,
blood drips
stains on the cement.
Everything
I touch
turns to ashes
because
no matter what
I
always
fall.

They say
"She wants to **** him hard,"
but he hardly wants to **** her
still he calls day and night
and like a therapist she listens
**** this
**** that
**** this *****
and not you
When will you learn?
He's a man
educating you on
how to be a lap dog
you put your head
in his lap
and he'll ask you to beg
He doesn't give a **** about you
but you cling to him
like a dog ******* a leg.
You stupid girl
You stupid girl.
He doesn't want you
He wants himself.
While he looks in the mirror
with his tiny *******
he thinks, "I'm the man
take this all my *******"
and he rubs one out for him
not you
not her
not anyone but himself
He
doesn't
want
you.

I thought I could hold
the world
on my shoulders
but all I do is give
beneath the weight of
countless choices that I've made
Still, strangers faces seem
so much kinder then
the ones I call my own
but faces change like reveries
and people fall like dominos.
How far can I go?
without a messenger to save me,
or a magic spell to cure what ails,
since I'm never on the mend.
I've been searching for some hope
or someone broken
at the the start
Where all of your pieces,
shift with all of my shattered parts
and you'll shoulder the weight
of this world I hold
or tell me too keep going.
Oh, and if not you then give me
peace by showing
all these messy matters
a life good enough to serve
on a silver platter
because
How far can I go?
without a ghost inside my soul,
or a shell to communicate with the sea,
This world is just to big too
accomodate someone so weak and
How far can I go?
If I don't know if there's
hope for me.
Tell me,
how far will I go?
If there's no hope for me.

All the strength
         I had left
You stole
         to make me weak.
All the light
         I had to give
has turned too
        d a r k n e s s.
The silence is a
         resounding chorus
to the pain
         no one can see
and I suppose
         I was just a casualty
in your war.
       He called me a
sweet  g  i  r  l
       but that's a vile
thing to be.
       I was Mary once,
a  v i r g i n
       until he came and
***** me
        but even lambs
are slaughtered
        everyday
from the outside, inward
          blood always.
there is no...  i n n o c e n c e
                        left anymore.

It's a junk yard
in their front yard
full of dirt piles and rusty tools.
Like white bread
toasted,
the neighborhood
thinks their fools
but are they living
better than us?
Spitting off the front porch
peanut butter jelly hands.
He wipes his fingers
on his chest
than licks the rest off
with his tongue
and it's hard to understand
when the heat kicks in
we ask if God's got a plan
but maybe they're living
better than the rest of us?
Still,
I guess if we question
that may be the lesson
that flat tires
on a bicycle
gets us farther than
we'd ever learn.
While they yell riding,
flashing us
they laugh so much
they're almost crying
and we die with the ache
before there ever gone
And maybe,
they have it right
they just go on
living their lives
better then we ever could
for ourselves.
Down the street,
on the corner,
grandma smokes her
pack a day,
beer in hand
the he's just a child
turned 12 years old today
as he takes a swig
I turn away.

She listens to No Doubt singing
"I'm just a girl,"
while shaving her legs.
The hair collects in the bathtub
all scattered across
like blown dandelion puffs
over the water's murky face.
Tiny wishes for
the barest underarms and legs
but she's a women
'they make us bleed'
or so they say.
'Cause I'm just a girl
I'd rather not be,'
while my innocence
circles the drain.
Lucky me...
I'm torn and *****
'living in captivity'
but "I'm just a girl."
"Don't you think I know
Exactly where I stand"

Sometimes I can hear it,
the voice of a fallen leaf
lost to the wind.
Its gallant effort to become apparent
as if it was more then just one of the rest.
It says, "Let your footsteps be kind
and not trample my body,"
This earth is too fleeting.
I'm sure it would think.
To be whole and unpressed,
Not without burden
A small voice that descends
*soft like the drop of a pin.
"I can hear you," I whisper
among all these branches
They don't speak like they used too.
I'm sure the fallen would think.

One day,
maybe
I'll
tell it to you
like a secret
kept
between
two
friends.
while
my
lips
move
closer
to
your
own
and you
think
what then?
.
.
you'll know.

The black spinning wheel
tells my eyes what your red shirt
Whispers to the breeze
softly on your skin it breathes
you look back but say nothing

One mistake marks a person
who may be
of grand or little importance
It's all amiss to fate.
retracing lines on palms
That tell their future
lives lost to choices made
I wish
I want
I can't
I won't
All the words
that lead every eye
In your direction
Fingers point too
Your small cracks
heaven knows
You need an intervention
but no one ever
Thinks to ask
Chest tight,
Worn clothes,
Promises all broken
Every lie that's been spoken
Passes from me to you.
One mistake
One grave move
Shakes the soul from the body.
People like us tend to be
Built so shoddy
It's the marks that make us cave.

Last night,
I told Jupiter
to sell me one of her
many moons.
Well, you can't have
Callisto.
How about Europa?
No.
Then can Amalthea
become my own?
There was silence
in waiting
for
what
I'd expect.
it's been quite
a while
actually,
a good many months
until I remembered
that small dot of silver
hung up in my room.
just where it
belonged
I found myself too.
I spoke with Jupiter
for an hour tonight
She asked "How is Thea?"
I said,
"She's doing all right."
How good of her
to want to know.
My moon is my anchor
and I love her so.

Sometimes I wish I was the kid in the corner,
blending in
but looking outside the lines
and if I ever strayed from
what's normal
I'd just disappear in
the blink of an eye
because
all we want is
to lay our hands on something real
and all I want is
to bare my soul to not conceal
looking-out, never looking in
Who I am,
Who I've always been.
Sometimes I wish I was the girl
everybody dreamed of
standing out not sticking in
and if I ever got sick of
what they wanted
I'd be just like a chrysalis
and shed this skin I've flaunted
for so many years
because all we want is
to lay our hands on something real
and all I want is
to be comfortable enough to heal
the scars,
this pain,
this cross around my neck
crucifying
all that I am
always looking out, never looking in
I know who you are
and who I've always been.
So, watch me as my walls
come caving in
I'm safe inside
I think I'll make it out alive
This time
I'm not perpendicular
I'm outside but
we're pretty similar
I've always known
Who you are
and who I really am
Inside, outside
I think I'll make it out....

I can't let go
of the pieces
I pick up every one
like my life depended on it
because
what remains is
all that shaped me
I am broken by
my own means
and perhaps
that is the art of
shattering what kills me
piece by piece.

Please,
take all my burdens
with heavy eyelids
weighted shoulders
I lie down on my stomach.
I wish to sleep tonight
without disturbance
Please,
Let me sleep
with peace enough
too dream.
I am tired.
In this endless worry
Give me release.
Allow only this.

Can you keep a secret?
Promise me,
you'll keep it
shut behind your
lips and teeth and tongue.
Though I'm sure
once I've said it
you won't ever forget it
but I'll regret it later
when its been said and done.
Since all the walls have ears
and all the ears hold whispers
little things
that I could never tell
but you remain so silent
when inside you're so defiant
it's secrets like this
that reveal your true self.
Yet,
once they're out
they're out
and everything changes
and what's more strange is
the fact that
everyone says, 'they won't'
but despite their excuses
loose lips often sink our truces
because words have a way
to undo the 'don't's
don't tell a soul
it's between you and I
forever
and
ever
but that's a lie
since all the eyes
looking back in mine know
that don't became
'did you know...'
The doors close and lock away
all those with the courage to say
Can you keep a secret?
Promise me,
you won't

I thought I could
   out run my demons
   but they still
   f  i  n  d   m  e
   in the dead of night
   next to the water
   gone cold in the basin
   from the blood I scrubbed
   from myself
   l   a   s  t    n   i  g  h  t.
   these stars that fall
   onto my body
   won't come off
   so they leave scars
   that I hold tightly
   sewn together like
   w  i  s  h  e  s    l  o  s  t
   to the dark.
   my arms are empty
   yet, so full
   of what I carry
   deep inside
   that when I awake
   in the morning
   it makes me wonder
   w         h         y?
   but tiny cuts
   hold big secrets
   that never heal
   the wound.
   so I will run
   for the very reason
   that weakness is a
   s  i  l  e  n  t     r  o  o  m
   so, if you ask:
   "thoughts for a penny,"
   I'll just bargain for a tomb
   since all these whispers
   live too haunt me
   I run...
   I fall...
   I .....   l   o  s   e.

Like a whisper
brushed against my ear
Those lips of yours
Pierce the veil of my protection
In which you take further
inspection of
Please don't press against
my cold flesh
Your warmth is too much
for my body to warrant.
I fear I'll be swept up in the rush
of blood and nerves and heartbeat.
So, speak softly for
one more moment
before I pull away from your arms
I apologize for being broken
in this terrifying instance of pure love.
Up in your bedroom
my side is always empty.

It's the taste of blackberries
on your lips
The bittersweetness of
not-quite-ripe fruit.
I cannot forget the
sentiment
from the brush
of your fingertips
against my chin
After picking berries
from
these bushes.
I can almost say:
that a memory as gentle
as your kiss
ignites a tenderness
inside me
and the thought that
love isn't so forceful
when subtle.

If the morning comes
before I wake
I hope the sun
kisses me softly.
You are so bright,
my eyes can hardly take it
but your warmth
is a comfort to me.
I keep safe beneath
these blankets
filling the emptiness
with thoughts of you
How close you are
but still how far
it seems you tend to be.
All around me,
I feel the breeze
from my opened window
brushing the hair away
from my face.
The touch of your glow
against my cheek
helps all the more too
let me greet
the day
but if you come before
I awake
Promise me
that you'll be
the first sight I will see
when my eyes open.

I thought...
I would be a scholar.
One who knows too much
about people and the world
but unfortunately,
I was cultured
to be a shock to the system.
So, take good notes.

It's the scent of
sunscreen and Argan oil
in your hair and
the softness of a pillow
beneath your head.
The dilation of your brown eyes
staring up into the white stucco.
Remembering the old days
as they were.
When the sand of our bodies
told the difference in time,
chasing us towards the edge
of the water.
"I miss the tall grass," you said
pulling a reed up from the earth.
"I miss looking down into the water
and seeing both our feet,"
but as clear as it was then
where little fish and turtles swam
the future was never coherent
as we thought.
Because the grains that fell
from our skin
represented more than us.
It was life slipping from our hands
When we were young and tanned.
It's what we do when
looking for it
'Time can tell a lot of things,'  I whisper
Realizing,
what I've lost.

I want a mouthful
  of truth
without you sugar coating
  every word
but those lies that lie
  behind your pearly whites
only goes to show
  you can't ever tell the truth.
So, I'll keep my mouth shut
  bite my tongue so hard
My lips touch
  like a kiss from you
Never open, only
  Blowing our love out of proportion
because I can't give
   my heart to you
with no proof,
just changing gears
  and shifty eyes.
You whisper, "Honey,"
  But that's your disguise
Executing every syllable and consonant
  Like a devout man
but baby you're not heaven sent.
  So, pull me close
until you start to fall apart
  and to be honest I can't wait
to hear you talk your way
  Out of this one
but I'll be sweet enough
  to watch you rot
From too many
  candy covered lies.

I wish I could be
Your type
and never feel the sting of looks
you give too  everyone but me.
How come it's so easy?
to fall?
every time
I hear your laughter
My heart races faster
before it halts.
You are my
one and only thought
but
I'll never get what I want
If I keep waiting around.
So, I'll pack myself
Inside this
little box
and place myself
in the corner of your closet
because
I'll never catch your eye,
no matter how hard I try
My love is just an old thing
you've outgrown.

Tossing and turning
like a smooth stone in your hand
that you've been itching to throw
It's the dullest of sunsets,
dead grass pricking your bare soles
but the mud doesn't bother,
your searching to know
The right place
where my fate
is you're raised hand
I go soaring then
Skidding across a surface
so calm.
I begin sinking
without a merit of warmth
from your palm.
like the earth on it's axis
I still revolve
What to do in this darkness
of cold pillows and soft sheets
almost too comforting
for my body to sleep.
Perhaps,
my skin is changing
like reptile flesh
among these tiny blue fishes
who bubbly laugh
whilst I plummet.
I keep ruffled in cotton,
thighs bare to the chill
of a fan that's kept going
I bend to it's will
except it's too difficult
for me to shed.
So you cast away
all your problems
out of sheer dread.
You cannot handle a girl
left in the ravine
like a ghost undressed
I drown in unrest
wondering if you'll
come back for me
but
the panic of staying
makes you uneasy.
So, leave.

The soles of my feet
     kiss the lush blades
     that never harm or
     undo me.
     It's the sound of
     jays in the trees
     and the wood burning
     fragrance from
     Autumns offering
     What magic is this?
     is it the work of a witch?
     Or a God that knows
     full well of their creations.
     Do they master the landscape?
     deciding where to place
     every work of art,
     like fingers uncurling
     to breathe life from the dust.
          One single motion,
           scatters us all
           to become runners
           in all the colors of fall
           Blank canvas of winter,
           Cherry lips in spring
            blooming fully in summer,
            I know the way to
        make an offering
        of thanks,
        I kiss the face of one
        who knows the pace
        Of my heart through the seasons
        giving me reasons
        to never fear the leap
        or the break.
             They know my footsteps
             won't regret or forsake
             The adventure of
             discovering beauty in
             Both joy and suffering
             because life is as fleeting
                     as seasons.

I hear your music
from upstairs play
  in my mind.
My fingertips
brush against the cracks
  as I breathe a sigh
  of relief when the light
streams from my window
I imagine
the strings of a guitar
from downstairs
   on my kitchen floor
wondering how
I got this far.
Life's never been
kind
towards creative states
  of minds
but when I think
I've given up the chase
  I hear humming from
Upstairs,
and beating on a drum
if you took my pulse
  you'd feel my rapid
pulse against your thumb.
  Call me foolish
but I know what I love
and I won't be defeated
by the skeptical sum
  since downstairs
They don't hear what I do
or see the beauty of the rain
  Spilling music on our roof.
So, when I despair
  I listen for a sound from
   upstairs
   to inspire me
  to neve give up.

All the pieces
in suitcases
packed and put away.
I count the reasons
why I leave them
I guess I cannot admit
that I'm afraid
Of all the secrets and war stories
that left scars upon my skin
and if I keep them stored in
Darkened places
perhaps,
I'll forget it ever happened.
Still,
the turning of the gears
the locks I wish would adhere
inside my closet
shadows slipping
down the faucet
All my tears.
All my fears.
All the years
I caved
but I hear the music play
You tell me, "it's okay...it's okay"
When it never is.
I awake to the sound of broken glass
World's Best cup shards
Of the past.
Running toward the kitchen door
there on the floor
both useless cup and you.
I pick them up and throw them in
And say aloud, "I'll just save them"
It's okay... It's okay...
Maybe tomorrow will be a better day
but it never is.

It's a crack
of bone
of lightning.
It's a roar
of thunder
of heartbeat.
Pounding fast in my ears
Shaking every fiber of my being.
I'm in love with you but
You'll never know it.

This sadness
seeps into my skin.
Every saline drop that falls
from my eyes.
My arms carry the weight of
elbows to knees,
sullen teenage blank canvas
In retrospect I'm too old
to be this tragic.
I want what I cannot have
and like a baby
someday maybe
I'll have a way to pacify
these faults
because you are the wheel
spinning on this cycle
and I am heading into traffic
helmetless.
All the while
never thinking about
anything but you.
It's dangerous to fall in love
With love.