I wish I could talk the way I write...
I wish I knew how to tell you what's on my mind...
I wish I could...

Because I would tell you that I'm scared shitless to lose you, that I can't help but to selfishly want you for myself at times.  
I would tell you that my heart wants to jump out of its chest every time you say you love me, and that I feel butterflies all over my body when we kiss... I would tell you that I wanna hold on to every single moment spent with you and save it like a treasure in an old wooden chest. I would tell you that fighting with you makes my heart ache deeply and that your pains, I feel  them too. I would tell you that my heart is in your hands and that I'm scared like hell that you might let it fall and break in pieces... that I don't even want to think of that happening with you...
I would tell you that this distance we're about to experience frightens me... and that my eyes fill with tears when I know it's soon coming. I would tell you that I try to be strong in front of you, but that my soul screams inside as my heart cries in silence... I would tell you that you have all of me, even if you didn't want it; that I love to sleep on your chest because that sound of your beating heart soothes my constant anxiety... I would tell you that I love to wake up before you in the morning and give you one thousand kisses as you awake when breakfast is ready... I would tell you that knowing you won't be around every night makes my heart cry... that my loneliness scares me.... I would tell you that I don't mean to push away ... this is just me coping with it... the distance scares me... I don't want to hurt... I don't want you to hurt... I just wanna tell you that I love you... I'm deeply, uncontrollably, passionately in love with you.

Cooking... funny thing I never did it before you... why?... I don't know, I'm still trying to answer that question... why did I do it for you...I don't know... I'm still trying to figure that one out.

Cooking... it's the last thing I've been wanting to do these past few days...not like I've had much of an appetite either...
Just thinking of going to the store made me nauseous. I even ran out of coffee... and I did not attempt to even step one foot in the ****** grocery store, but I knew I needed to do it. The sooner the better, rip off the band-aid with one pull...

Well... I figured I couldn't go without coffee much longer anyways... and I needed some veggies too... unfortunately fitness and malnutrition do not mix well together... So at 9:30 pm I got up from my bed and said **** it, let's just do it...

I thought of maybe cooking dinner tonight or maybe making myself lunch for tomorrow, but neither of those things happened... As soon as I got to the store all I could see was your face... the memories invaded my already exhausted brain...  I did my best to hold it together.
I even waited till the end of my shopping trip to get coffee... too many freaking memories... I almost lost it then... I felt the tears starting to make their way out...so I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and got through it...

Now I'm at home with all these freaking groceries... just looking at them... on the table... not knowing why I even bothered...
Thank God I got some wine and snacks... I guess that'll do for tonight's dinner...
The rest....well... store it for later...

Cooking... it's become a burden... Your face all I can see...
Cooking ... I just need to put these groceries away...
I know eventually I'll find my way to it again... I just have to go through the process... the heartbreak, the ups and downs... face my fears... heal.

Ready to pounce...
but unsure if it's the right move.
Ready to growl...
But unsure of how loud it will be...
Ready to show off my claws...
But unsure if that will be too much...

Anxious, unsure... fearless?
Clenched jaw...
Raised eyebrows...
Crouch down... lookin up...
Ready to pounce...

Feeling every heart beat...
The tightness of my body
My feet grounded to the floor
Sighing louder... stronger...

Anxiousness getting deeper...
Doubtfullness growing weaker...
Jaw becoming tighter...
Teeth now showing...
Claws...out...

Ready to pounce...

im the killer of my own dreams,
the ******* murderer of my desires,
the one who holds my emotions hostage
and who holds a pistol against my own throat just in case i even think to dare to speak...

i cuss myself out so tears won't leave my eyes
i threaten my own life to quiet down the silent screams of my soul
i stand the **** up against the girl who constantly looks back at me... destroyed, hurt, bleeding hands, swelled up eyes, barely beating hurt ... in front of the mirror

im the devious prince in my own story ...
but i still wonder if i can be my own knight in shinning armor to come rescue me from my own self...

I fell in love with the way she looks at me,
with wondering brown eyes,
always curious to know my thoughts and deepest emotions...
I fell in love with the way she kisses me...
not leaving one single spot untouched by her lips.
I fell in love with the way she grabs on to me,
tightly against her skin... wrapping my whole body around her arms
as if the tighter she holds me the more I am hers'
I fell in love with the way our hands touch for anything and everything;
while driving around in the car, while one of us is mad at each other or the world... or both, while we make love.... while we kiss... while we just  look at each other...
I fell in love with her skin... soft to the touch, but with a strong body  I feel each time as a I grab her closer to me.
I fell in love with her mind... surprising me each time, so much knowledge, full of creativity, with so much to give to the world.
I fell in love with her drive, with her willing to always do more, to be better, to reach for the stairs...
I fell in love with her dreaming heart... with her deepest thoughts, with her beautiful soul...
I fell in love with her.

Looking at this world with tears in my eyes... with sadness in my soul...
There's so much violence, so much hatred...
As if we were trying to make our own species extinct...
Some say the apocalypse is coming... but we are the ones making that happen...

Our ignorance and lack of understanding have become our worst enemies... They've transform our hands into weapons, made our eyes see the world with fear, and have filled our hearts with hate...
We have stopped wanting to learn... we have stopped asking questions... We let the media tell us what to think... walking around this world like zombies... Like blinded idiots... like two year olds throwing tantrums, not wanting to listen...
We just point fingers... and blame, not one, but all... Putting every single person in a box, categorizing them... generalizing ... believing in every single stereotype...
Not wanting to see that every single person is unique...
We might belong to a certain group, community, race, religion... but we are individual souls...
We were meant to be different... Different aspirations, different lives, different cultures, different colors...

Imagine...how boring would the human race be if we were all exactly the same... Where would we get our different life flavors? How boring would we be without the mix of colors... without our different traits??
We were meant to be different... designed to learn from each other... to love one another in our differences...

We must stop putting labels on peoples' foreheads... we have to start by asking questions, by learning their stories, and by sharing our own...
We must teach each other love and respect, Start to pave a better world for generations to come... teach them that our differences are what makes this world such a colorful and interesting place... that's where the real beauty hides... that's the real life treasure...

But first, we have to learn to see with our own eyes and hear with our own ears... Throw away the guns and fill our mind with knowledge... that's the most powerful weapon that we, as human beings have.

Share the love, the wisdom... see the world with an open mind.
It's time to Stop the hate.

I craved your smile...
The way your eyes crinkle,
when that one dimple on you cheek becomes apparent...
when I can feel your heart beat a little faster...

I craved your smile...
because your happiness becomes my happiness
when I can see it in your eyes,
as my hand caresses your face
and you lean on it with your warm skin.

I craved your smile...
did not want to miss another moment without it;
felt lost as you heart became full of pain
as mine cried silently for it...

I craved your smile
when I couldn't see it any longer
when your soul became confused and anxious...
when your eyes became distant from mine.

I craved your smile...
I crave your smile,
I need your smile...
And I know you crave mine too.

When I met her...
Her fridge was empty
But her hands were used to the hot stove...
When she met me,
My fridge was full
But my fingers didn't dare to touch a ***...

When I met her...
My chaotic life seemed unreasonable...
When she met me,  
Her hectic mind found someone to understand...

When I met her...
Her mischievous, wondrous eyes
found someone to match them...
When she met me...
I was looking for answers to bring myself to know that things were ok...  

When I met her...
I found truth within myself...
When she met me...
She met a mirror looking back at her...

I can't lie...
I miss her.
Maybe not the romantic relationship,
But I miss her company...

I miss those nights eating dinner in front of the TV,
I miss her in the kitchen sipping on some wine,
I miss those lazy Sundays on the couch doing nothing.

I can't lie...
I miss her.
Maybe not those nights when we fought incessantly,
Maybe not the constant struggle for wanting to be wanted..
But I miss her...
I miss the sincerity of her heart
I miss the love in her eyes when she looked at me...

I miss the security...
Knowing she was going to be in my bed every night,
I miss the feeling in my heart
Knowing that there was no need to worry...
She was mine, and I was hers.

I can't lie...
I miss her.
Maybe not the tears she shed,
Maybe not the constant fighting
Maybe not those nights when I was constantly pushed away...

But...
I miss the simplicity,
I miss how comfortable we were,
I miss knowing every single part of her body,
I miss the plans, the smiles, the conversations...

I can't lie.
I miss her...
My best friend, my accomplice,
my constant companion...

I can't lie...
I still miss her...my wife.

I can't look into her eyes,
Not just yet...
I can't look into her eyes...
I'm afraid of what she might see.
I can't look into her eyes
Because deep meaning
Hide mine inside...
I can't look into her eyes,
Because one second just goes by
And butterflies I feel inside.

I can't look into her eyes...
because heartache and pain
might follow...
I'm scared to look into her eyes
because truth be told,
I'm vulnerable inside.

Plain oatmeal and coffee
Don't taste the same anymore,
blankets and cold feet
I no longer feel...
Mornings...

Plain oatmeal and coffee
Used to be the highlight of my day,
kitchen sounds, soft music... laughter
they no longer exist...

Plain oatmeal and coffee
cold kitchen floor
messy hairs up in a bun...
Memories...

Plain oatmeal and coffee
your soft skin
reading books at the table
Your eyes looking at mine
All that is gone...

Plain oatmeal and coffee...
The taste is now bitter
The smell makes my stomach ache...
the sounds of the kitchen... they hurt

And even though I pray
For all of it to vanish from my brain,
Plain oatmeal and coffee
Is all that I wish for again...

Sola... Si... Yo puedo estar sola
No me importa la soledad
Me facina ser mi propia duena
Me facina hacer lo que quiera
Y que no me importa lo que otros digan...

Sola... Si... Yo puedo estar sola
Levantarme a cualquier hora
Y no dormir si yo no quiero...
Salir si me da la gana
Ir a la casa de quien yo quiera
Asi sean las tres de la manana...

Sola... Si... Yo puedo estar sola
La libertad es mi companera
Camino a mi propio rumbo
Dejando el pasado ser
Mirando hacia el futuro...

Sola...Si... Yo puedo estar sola
Aunque las batallas en mi
Siguen queriendo y tratando de olvidar
Aunque los recuerdos
Me traten de matar
Aunque la lluvia
Quiera que yo en encuentre un hogar...

Sola... Si... Yo puedo estar sola
Pero en mis putos pensamientos
Tu sigues viviendo...
Y en cada lugar yo te sigo viendo...
Sola... si...
aunque el alma me queme por dentro
Yo debo de estar sola.

Don't leave me alone without music
Don't leave me alone with my thoughts
Don't let the silence take over my room
Don't let my mind start wondering...

I can't stand the silence
I must turn up the volume
Music on high in every room...
I can't let my thoughts take over my mind

I feel the words start forming
start making sentences, ideas, memories...
I feel the ache in my heart coming back...
I'm not ready to deal with the silence in the room
I'm not ready to deal with the thoughts in my brain...

I have to get up, start moving...
I need to do stuff, whatever it is...
I can't be alone with my thoughts,
I can't let the silence take over my room...

I'm not ready to deal with it...
not yet...
I just want to hear the music
I have to get lost in it...

My lips stay closed
Words do not leave my mouth...
My tongue stays in place...
But my mind creates the phrases
From the words I dare not to speak of...
My pen goes on a frenzy... writing down every single thought...

Writer they call me...
crazy say some...
emotionless and quiet preach others...
they do not understand...
my hands do the talking
my eyes can tell you so...
if you listen to my heart closely
you might be able to hear it screaming...

The silence,
my worse enemy and my best companion.
My fingers... callused, tired... covered in ink...
They speak for me...

Writer they call me...
mysterious some say,
with eyes made of fire
and a mind that could ****.

This morning I'm sad... this morning I'm alone...
This morning I miss you even more than before...
My heart is aching.

I just ******* miss you...
I miss everything
I miss your messy hair in the morning
not wanting to get out of bed...
I miss making breakfast and laughing
your sleepy eyes...
I miss you jumping on my lap to hold you...
telling me how you didn't want to go to work...
I miss your kisses.

I miss the fun fights
the funny looks you would give me
I miss our conversations...
I miss crawling back into bed
kissing you all over
looking into your eyes
laying on your chest...
I miss you holding me tight ... the sighs

None of it exists anymore...
I'm just home alone
I woke up in this empty house
no sounds, no movement on my bed... no soft skin laying next to me.

Sundays hunt me... they rip me apart every time
I try not to be at home on Saturday nights...
I've realized this is why...
I rather crawl into someone else's bed
feel someone else's arms around me
they make me forget...
they make me feel stronger...
they make me smile again...
they help me mask the pain inside my chest

Sundays at home alone... they bring me back to reality

You tell me about your life... and the things that you're doing... and I'm happy for you, I really am...
Knowing that you're trying to find your way and who you are in this life is great to hear...
I'm happy that you're becoming a stronger person, so independent with big goals that I know you'll achieve someday...

I just wish all this would've happened with me by your side...

But I know... you needed to do this alone.
I couldn't help you... this was your "me" time... You needed that "me" time to see what the world had to offer...
And I can't lie... I did too...

I needed to be alone to realize what I wanted ... and to know for sure what I did not want...
I needed to be free to realize that love is hard to find...that real, true, unconditional love is rare...
You were all that.
I needed to grow up... just a little...
I had to be alone to realize how lucky I was...

It's crazy to think that after all the time we spent together,  we're now two separate people...
I'm such a different person than when we met
... my heart has changed, so has my mind.
I don't think I would recognize myself if I saw me five years ago...
I feel that you're different too... and I hope to see this new version of yourself someday...

Life is complicated, and it's beautiful
It hurts sometimes, but the pain makes me feel alive...
Songs... so many remind me of you
Places... can't look around without picturing you there too...
Gestures, sounds, mannerisms... I still have some of yours that I picked up when we were together... They've become part of me too.

I have to say... I do miss you
I recall memories of us together when I'm home alone, or when I'm simple walking down the street... I cherish those moments;  I put them in my heart to have with me always...

I truly do not know if we'll ever have the chance to give this a try once more... I don't even know if we'll ever see each other again...
But I can't say "never"... Life has taught me that much.
Just know that I appreciate every moment we got to spend together, every laugh, every tear, every hug, every kiss...  
You'll always be a part of me regardless of time...
I will always love you.

I will not be just a beautiful flower for people to look at, for someone to ****** away from its roots... not water it, and then be left to die in the sunlight...
I will however, be a beautiful butterfly... always wild and intriguing... difficult to catch... I will fly around discovering new adventures... wonderful places to admire... I will write my own fate... my own path to follow...

And I'll know when I've found my person... because I will not be trapped to be turned into someone's trophy just to be admired ... I will be let to fly freely, with the understanding that I will always return happily to my love one's arms.

She told him she wanted the moon... So he helped her build a ladder tall enough so she could reach it on her own...
It was her goal, not his to take.
He was her support, not her knight in shinning armor...
She wanted to fight her own battles... he already knew she'd win them all.

I'm my own worst enemy... and this I know to be true

I travel to escape my own self and sometimes that's not enough
I carry inside such sadness that sometimes I start burying myself alive
I feel so much anxiety but tend to keep it tucked inside, as if trapping myself with a straight jacket ...
Always wanting to get out... yelling at the top of my lungs in total silence
And God forbid a tear to run down my cheek... as I will stop my breathing if necessary to make any other emotion feel numb ...

I am my own worst enemy,
and this I know too well...
I won't talk about my feelings or the reasons why my heart gets sad when the sun decides to hide
I tend to stab the pain inside my heart with silence ... even though this feels as if I was stabbing it with knives ...
I know my pain isn't a sign of weakness, but as hard as I try ... it always feels that way

I live in a constant battle ... believe me I'm trying not to give up, I know there's more to see in this world, so I constantly  give myself another chance ...

My strength has been my biggest companion thus far... and my want for more my saving grace ... I just hope they continue to pull me out of darkness ... because this pain sometimes is too much to bear

I painted you like a canvas with my fingers
I drew infinite lines across your body
I traced your curves with my hands
And saw the colors of your skin come to life...

I wrote my name
On the curve of your back,
With one thousand kisses I
Left my mark...

Your nails scribbled "mine" on my skin
Your kisses left impressions on my lips,
The sweet fragrance of your body I carry
As I walk along in this dream...

I found you...
I don't think I've ever said those words before...
But I've found you... as if you were created just for me,
All this time... I tried to fit in someone else's picture, but the frame was just too small, the picture too tight, and I ... too free to fit...

But you don't want me to fit in a certain frame, you have one-thousand of them for me to pick, different angles I can choose from for my own pictures and I want to include you in them... all of them...

I don't feel trapped any longer...
I don't walk on egg shells,
My oatmeal in the morning tastes better,
And my cup of rice is always full...
Coffee is always hot, even when you don't drink any...
And flavor... always plenty with you...

I always have freedom and all the possibilities to reach for the stars...
You believe in me and my dreams, push me to achieve my goals, and have become the strongest shoulder to hold on when I feel like my legs are giving up...

You've become my rock, my guilty pleasure, my reasoning without restrain, the eyes I seek for each morning, the arms I look forward to at the end of each night...

Plans are made easy... love overflows, my soul is at peace...
You didn't have to look for the key to open up my door...
You patiently waited... didn't even ask for it...
You didn't mind being just a guest for a while...
But I took the key out from under its hiding place...
Your eyes told me it was ok, your heart reassured me each time...
So I'm handing it to you without fear...

So let's hang picture frames up on the wall together... one thousand of them ... You and I... and we'll call this our home.

When we bought the bag of rice from Costco, it was so big that you jokingly said that it would last our whole relationship...
funny thing...
because it did...

I grabbed it from the pantry last night, and there was only one cup left...  just one cup... I thought about saving it... trying to make myself believe that maybe if I saved it, it would mean that our relationship wasn't over yet...
I thought maybe that  if I saved it... we'd have one more chance... one more cup left...
But the reality is... that bag had been emptying out... I did not want to see it that way... we had even forgotten about it for a little while and it was just there... half full, half empty... But I should've known that it wasn't going to last forever... We would finish the bag someday... and with it... we'd finish everything else.

I looked at the bag as I took it down from the pantry... I wrapped my arms around it...held it close to my heart...
"It's time," I told myself... and with a few scoops I took the last cup left...
I watched as the rice sank down to the bottom of the *** already full of water... so heavy... drowning... each grain of rice... ready to be boiled, consumed... changed.... then forever gone.
I thought maybe I could just save the empty bag...
but I told myself... what for?... it was just full of empty promises, full of words that were never said, full of pain and sadness... full of broken pieces... I needed to let go..
So with one motion I grabbed the bag and threw it in the trash... closed the lid and took a deep breath.

No more rice.. no more bag... no more us.

You continue to tell me
this ******* phrase I've come to hate...
"we're not there yet"...

What the **** does that supposed to mean??
Not there ... where??
Where should we be in the relationship
to allow certain things to happen??
Where should we be in the relationship
that we will allow our happiness continue to grow...
where should we be... if "we're not there yet..."

We're not there yet to say I love you,
we're not there yet for me to hear out loud your feelings,
apparently we're not there yet
for me to even call you mine...

What is it going to take for us to get "there"??...How much time will I have to wait for us to get "there??
Where the **** is "there"?

Last night as I lied down next to you, as we ate all those desserts together, as I saw your smile again... My heart felt happy. It was scary to be so close to you... It was even scarier when our bodies decided to touch... my heart stopped as our hands grabbed one another. My soul wanted to scream when I lied my head down on your chest and you held me even closer towards you. My heart started fighting the thoughts inundating my brain... saying it's ok... I belong here.
I was scared but I felt happy... I did not want to think of the next day... of how things will be like when I left... I just wanted to be there... with you, in that moment.
When our lips touched, the butterflies in my stomach became alive again, it felt as if an explosion had taken over my whole body... Intense feelings took over my heart, my thoughts were shut.
It was just you and me. I had you there, mine.
Even if it was for just one night... Just for this night you were completely mine again... and I was yours. Last night.

I was giving you a chance and
You blew it.
You hurt my pride...
The inner and deepest part of my heart.

Now I'm no longer sad or upset...
I'm hurt yes... but mostly I feel angry
Angry because I let you in...
Because I was actually vulnerable
And I let you see it...
Angry because I let myself feel again.

My mind was right all along...
Telling me not to reach out for you,
But my heart just wanted you close again.
I messed up...
I listened to my heart
Shut down my brain.

I should've known better...

She saw my flaws… she saw me raw, vulnerable… naked from the inside out
She saw me and I was scared, frighten by how the truth was coming out, how I couldn’t hide it any longer…

I thought I was pretending so well that everything was fine;
I was trying to pretend that I had forgotten about my past, about those stupid envelopes that kept on showing up at my door…
I was pretending… but the truth was sitting right there on my desk, piling up… just exposing my truth…

I had tried to forget; I just left it there pretending it didn’t exist… but I felt anxious… my past looking at me from my desk… I tried hoarding it in my trunk, but I couldn’t stop it from showing up at my door… month by month, the reminder was there…

The reminder of a life I used to have with someone else for so many years, kept on showing up… I did not want to acknowledge that life any longer… I wanted to pretend that it had vanished…
But she, took a hold of that life… and as she saw me panicked she assured me that it was ok…
One by one she made me open the envelopes, she made open up and face the truth…
She ripped up papers that didn’t matter, made me look at the ones that did…
She kissed me and looked at me with kindness and love…
I felt naked… did not know what was going to come of this… I was ******* scared, anxious, vulnerable… but once she started… I just let her take over… the bandied had to ripped off with one pull… So…with every opened envelope she helped me face the truth…

My desk… I could start seeing the shiny brown wood that had been hidden for months once again…
White ripped up piles of paper on the floor… my past… my life… ripped up, thrown, crumbled … it looked back at me …
But it was done. She sat next to me as I looked to the ground… She sat next to me… she understood.

She helped put what was left of the papers in the trash… and helped me realize it was over. That part at least… was over…
She saw me vulnerable… raw, naked from the inside out… She saw me.
She said she knew… and that it was ok.

After all, she is my mirror… walls do not exist between us… not even glass… just those eyes that always look at mine… just a smile… waiting for mine. Just warm touch, gentle kisses… no judgment, but strength.

She saw me… just like I see her.

When the clock hits 10pm... I face my own demons...
unable to sleep early, as my thoughts wake me up,
when the memories come back,
when I'm all alone in the dark

I'm sitting here on this grass
Where it all began...

I'm sitting here because I wish that you would know I'm here, and come.
I'm sitting here because it all ended this morning... but I still can't...
I'm sitting here because this was you and I.
I'm sitting here because ****! It hurts!
I'm sitting here because I want to end it where it all began...

I'm sitting here because I don't have the strength to get up...
I must leave my heart at this place,
Can't take it with me,
The pain needs to stay
This awful feeling can't follow me home...

I'm just sitting here...
I'm taking it all in
The smell of the grass
The green car going by
The sounds of the plane...
I'm soaking it up so I can leave it and go.

So I'm just going to sit here for a little while... I'm going to cry as much as I need to, I'm going to let this pain scream as loud as it wants... I'm going to grasp this grass and feel the wet earth on my fingers...
I'm going to let the feelings take over...

I'm going to just sit here...
Because once I get up...
I'm leaving it all behind.

The night
The lights
The looks
The smiles
The flirting
The touching
The unwanted want
The desire...

The music
The drinks
The laughter...
Sparkles
Conversations
Desire...

Hands
Skin
Touch...­
No reasoning.
3am going
6am return...

The walk...
Thoughts
Decisions
Gone.

My soul sighs at night...
But it's actually screaming inside...
You just can't hear it...
My unwanted... out without warning sighs  give my soul away...
My sighs speak for my heart...
They tell you of my troubles
They want you to know of the feelings I hide inside...
My sighs, truthful and scary...
I **** them every time...

You have learned from them...
You've picked up on the meaning they give...
You know them well...

My sighs... my ******* sighs...
They give me away...
But I must let them out...
My sighs...
The only relief I have for my heart,
The only option for my loud screaming soul.

And as she started freaking out when she was made to see what was already in front of her... her lips muted, but her mind began to scream... her heart pounding so hard she could hear the beats...
So she grabbed a box of chocolate mint cookies, sat on her bed, and ate them slowly one by one... as if to console her heart... to deceive for a moment her anxious soul...

Crystallizing memories
Closing down the door
locking up the waterfalls
Slamming shut the cabinets
Placing chains on the handles
Wrapping it up
Putting it away down on memory lane...

Placing a rock to top it all
heavy gear I can't even take off
To make sure it's all done
Ensuring it won't open on its own...

Walking away
not looking back
let it sleep a hundred years
while I go on a hike.

If you find it someday
Just know the weight is heavy
The locks are in place
And the key thrown away...
The marks will be there
The tears and the cracks
And only if you're **** worth it
It will let you open it back up.

The scent of your skin
Has been carved inside my brain
The sounds you used to make
As I made you mine each night
Are alive in my deepest thoughts...
Your deep and intense eyes
Full of curiosity, always wanting more
I carry with the pain in my heart...

Your face never lied... I knew...
I knew when you felt happy
I knew when you were sad
I knew when the moment was coming
When you were going to end this...
My heart knew as it slowly cracked.

I was hoping you'd realize
What you meant to me,
I was hoping you wouldn't do it,
I was hoping for my heart.

But I knew...
It was terrifying, painful...
And still is...
The memories hunt me,
It ****** *****!
I wish I could have your scent back...
I wish I could have your eyes on me again,
I want to hear the sounds...
I need to feel your skin...
But I can't...

Memory...

I was fragile, I felt so small... powerless.
There were bottles, empty cans...
I tried to stay quiet... but it didn't matter...

The monster was already out of the cage
I tried hiding... it was too late.

I was afraid... I didn't know it was just the beginning.
I had angered the beast that lived within him...
I felt I had no choice but to stay quiet, tried not to move...

It didn't matter...
I was shoved against the wall, thrown on the bed...
felt hands grip my throat... as tears went rolling down my face...

His eyes were not his anymore,
extreme animal like anger had taken control over his mind...
No care, no love...
Apologies were no use, reasoning did not longer exist...

I stayed quiet... not just for that night,
but for a long time...
the nightmares stayed with me.
They continue to live in m mind,
and at times they take over my dreams...

I did not tell anyone... I let him live with it...

Karma did her thing...
Two beautiful girls are now carrying his blood...
He must guard them with his life
as a beast just like the one who lives within him
roams this world... growing older
just as his little treasures grow into beautiful women
just like the one who he scarred deeply down to her soul.

I'm sitting here dumbfounded... unable to believe the events that just transpired... unable to swallow this knot that has been tied around my throat... that's made my heart its prisoner.

I'm sitting here... trying to process your words... those you had to write, that you couldn't even speak out loud... I'm sitting here holding on to my ******* heart, feeling every beat... I'm sitting here unable to comprehend...

How could you...
I believed every word, every look, every single touch...
I believed that there was love...
I believed in you... in us...
You made me believe ...
And now I'm here... alone with my pain, alone with my thoughts, alone, with just myself...

We are playing this game,
it's dangerous, we know...
But we are still playing...

You are not mine,
I am not yours,
we don't belong to one another
but we are still playing this game...

No feelings involved we both said,
no real relationship...
Spending time together is always fun
our conversations are always interesting
*** is good...

We see each other almost every day
we like similar things,
we touch each other gently
we kiss each other softly...
but none of it is real...

It's just a fun, dangerous game...
Someone else is in your mind... and someone else surrounds mine
We both agreed to this game...
Falling for each other isn't an option...
You talk about her... I talk about mine too...
Open conversations...
we are friends...
just friends...

Then why did I feel lousy last night?...
not when you talked about her,
but when you said your heart was closed...

I see it...she holds the key to that door...
and I don't think you want the key back just yet
even when you say you do...

I know we're playing this game...
I know the rules...
but I felt lousy... I felt a small hit to my heart...
a tiny bump to my chest...
I know this to be a warning...
I know this to be a "proceed with caution" sign...

I will continue to play this game...
for how long... I don't know...
falling for each other isn't an option
we are friends...
**just friends.

You're trying to fill the void in your chest with meaningless emotions,
with happiness that lasts only a few hours
with content that's there only when you can see it
with smiles and fake laughter
that signal to your brain that you are ok....

But as you come back to reality
when you are all alone at home
when the darkness fills your room
and your  thoughts take over your mind...
Then you realize that it was only temporary happiness...

You start feeling the pain creeping in...
You can feel your heartbeats louder than ever.
You want to rip your chest apart again...
Because you know the truth, you can feel it...
And it hurts, it ******* hurts!
As much as you tried to run from your own feelings
As much as you tried to run from your own pain,
It's been there... waiting for you...

So you turn on the radio,
expecting the music to drown your thoughts,
to mask the pain in your heart...
you start moving stuff around the house,
make yourself busy...

You can't take it any longer
So you go out into the night again...
To fill the same void with meaningless emotions
With happiness that only lasts a few hours...

And once again the cycle is repeated...

I've been trying to run away from my demons but somehow it feels like I'm just running in circles...
I've been trying to run away from myself, but the mirrors in my room have managed to trap me inside...
I've been trying to scream and let this air out, but my pride has cut off the oxygen inside my lungs...
I've been trying to figure out my place in this life... but I just find arrows pointing in different directions, so I'm at a standstill feeling lost...

This internal fight is like battle that has no ending date... my soldiers completely exhausted, don't know how long they can continue on... and I in the middle of the field just waiting for the deadly shot.

In spite of everything ... my heart continues on a fearless pursuit for the thief that has taken happiness its hostage ... my heart doesn't care how much my mind has to fight... or how badly my feet want to run on the opposite direction.

My heart is the ultimate warrior, the only one to save me when my anxious lifetime companion tries to become a permanent visitor inside my home.

I didn't want to leave the parking lot this morning... because it would mean that it was actually happening... that it was over.

I didn't want to start my car...
I just kept starring at the wall in front me...
tears rolling down my face, my heart was aching, hands clenched on the wheel...

Why...?  I asked my self.
Why did we go through all this **** to just end up here??
Why did I turn my world upside down to show you I cared? ...To end up here.

My bags packed in my trunk
Full of the stuff I used to keep at your place
Your key I left on the nightstand...

But why??...
Why make the heart go through this pain...
Why show me so much of you if you were not mine in the end...

Now I'm not just sad... I'm angry!
My heart is ripping apart and I hate the feeling of this pain!
So Why??... If we were gonna end up here?!!

I felt your distant heart grow...
I knew it when my own heart felt pain when it got close to you...
I knew it was going to happen when your eyes showed me so...

But why...
Why... If we were going to end up here.

I miss the ten pm drives...
The eleven pm dinners
The one am up doing nothing...

I miss the cold nights
The one million blankets
The music in the background...

I miss the open cabinets
The makeshift chairs
The smell of coffee in the morning...

I miss the sounds of the street
The scent of your skin
The one million kisses...

I miss the laughter in me
The silly butterflies
When I forgot the world existed
As I was held tight in your arms...

I just miss...
Then I remember
those days are over...
So I must store those memories
Deep inside my brain
Where my memory can only reach
When I'm deep inside my dreams...

I kiss him
I lay on his chest
I play games with him
I laugh, we have fun together
We talk, spend the day together
I cook, we have dinner
I sleep on his bed, he cuddles with me
He kisses me softly, he touches me gently
I truly believe he's special, he has such a beautiful soul...

Then I go home... and you inundate my brain...
Some girl will be lucky to have him someday
Who will be the one to have me?

It had been years since I'd seen your face,
I recognized your smile, as if I had never left...
We talked, it was good...
You said you were sorry... and I accepted your apology...
Although I had already forgiven you a while back...
But this doesn't mean that I forgot...

Do not confuse my forgiveness for forgetfulness...
because I still remember...

I remember all those nights
you were on the couch... sipping on some beers...
everything would be good, we'd laugh and play...
but then something triggered your emotions...

Your face would change,
you would start asking questions,
then the questions would turn into accusations,
the accusations would turn into anger,
the anger would turn into fire...
a fire that couldn't be stopped,
A fire that burned me... over and over again...

Next thing I knew
the fire would hold me down by my wrists...
demon like screams would be leaving your lungs...
telling me not to speak... or I would be punched in the face
and your eyes... your eyes would scar my soul
and I knew this nightmare would last all night long...

As the sun would rise...
you'd be sleeping next to me...
I never slept...
tears rolling down my face
scars... deeper than my skin...
You'd wake up and say you were sorry...
you blamed the alcohol....
made me feel guilty,
you said your love was too big...
then hugs and kisses ... and I was yours again...

But I never forgot...
Even after I left those nightmares stayed with me,
the scars you left, dug deeper into the essence of my being...
as I pretended that none of had happened...
But the more I pretended, the more prevalent it became...
the more I pretended, the more torturous it felt...

So I forgave you...
I forgave you alone in my room with tears coming from my soul
I forgave you as I prayed to God to get rid of my scars...
I forgave you, and in the process I learned to forgive myself too...

But just know...
that even though my heart forgave you
...my soul never forgot.

Some days I feel like I can take over the world... others I feel like it's swallowing me whole...
Some days I smile freely and forget... others I don't even want to get outta bed...
Some days laying on someone else's arms is easy... others... you run laps around my brain ... and I feel like ripping my heart out of my chest...
Some days I want to scream out loud and ask God why...
others... I just cry in silence... as I remember you... as every inch of my body calls your name... as I look around the apartment and the memories take over my brain.

I'm just looking for that day when I can say your name and feel peace in my heart... no more pain.

Words are all I see, all I feel...
Constantly making mazes in my ******* brain, deciding if I'll get outta this house today or if I'll just stay in bed writing my heart out loud.
No eating, no sleeping, no care... Just words...
Words that are stronger than my will, stronger than my hunger, stronger than my wanting for peace...
Words that consume me, words that I must write to the world to find a way to let this screaming chest have a voice...
Words that frantically take over my thoughts, that aren't afraid to be seen, that have more courage than my own soul...
Words are all I see, all I feel, all I am.

Maybe if things would've been different... If I wouldn't have been reluctant to show you my feelings...
Maybe if I would've wanted to settled down...
Maybe if I would've wanted to show you my love for you in other ways...
Maybe if I would've seen things from your point of view...

Maybe if you would've realized that my heart had been broken before... that my feelings showed through my eyes... even if tears wouldn't come out...
Maybe if you would've realized that I loved you... that I wanted to show you love in the way I know how... that touching you was important...

Maybe if the bridge for communication would've been open... more on my side... but maybe if the emotions wouldn't have ran as high on your side...

I guess we were just too different from each other... but even with all the maybes and all the differences... I still wouldn't trade the love  we had... It was pure, it was real... it was unconditional...

Just if maybe...

Silence ...
All I got from you
Silence...
As if it was my fault
Silence...
Wasn't my storm to take
Silence...
Without a warning
Silence...
Just feelings written down on a piece of paper...
******* silence...
You did not dare to tell me face to face
Silence...
Cowardly quietude...
A mask for your feelings... for your own anxiety.
Silence...

I wasn't given a chance to know...
I wasn't given the chance to explain...
I wasn't given the chance to see it for myself...
I needed to hear it...
I needed to see it in your eyes...
All I got from you...
Silence.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry...
I know I left your heart in pieces
I know I broke my vows... promises that I made you and myself believe.
I'm sorry I wasn't what you wanted...
I'm sorry that what I had forseen for our lives was not the same vision that you had.
I'm sorry... but I couldn't give you 100% of myself...

I know this you won't understand...
Our similarities were few... our differences, ocean deep...
Our friendship was always strong... but that wasn't enough.... You wanted connection and I ...wanted touch...
You wanted everything I had... I could only give you so much...
But believe when I say I did try,
I just didn't know what else to give of me...
I was hurting you, and hurting myself in the process...
I needed to let you go... for my sake, and for yours too.