It cannot be described
only imbibed
through many sorrows
and sorries
until the pain
recedes to numbness
your compass
points to death
& you see the peace it brings
the silence
the darkness
you make your mind up
maybe not today
or tomorrow
but you know
you're going to die by your own hand
& you feel
just a brief
fleeting
happiness

...

that's the sound of suicide

i finally found you
                                 and you're happy with him

The leaves of life, fallen from their homes in the branches, blow through my ribcage (because I feel so empty)

Bid farewell to love, never to feel your thorns on my heart again; being alone is safer in the solitude of madness

Let me swallow the sand from the hourglass of time, so that it can be empty like me (you're on my mind lately)

Words are printed from a machine like they are nothing but a receipt; simple sounds, words, without talking

It was too far to fall away, crashing through the solar system to die a million miles away (you were my star in the sky)

Sometimes I sit like I'm in a tranquil garden and let the memories of our friendship wash the pain from my eyes; I have not forgotten who we once were

I want to hold your hand in the silence of the night and let the static from the TV blanket our ears (I miss our heartbeats, when did we lose them?)

We trusted love to the wrong people who didn't know what it's value was, and it ripped us apart like a bacterial infection

Now I breathe your smell, and I see the bloodied remains I made you, and I'm sorry; I'm so sorry. (This wasn't how it was supposed to end)

One should try to glide through life as gently as a canoe;
If one needs to make a splash,
be sure to know where the ripples,
will go.

"I’ll always hate my birthday, because it will always be the day I lost my best friend."


Those were the last words said to you,

Passed from my lips to the phone screen,

I didn’t feel the shotgun in my lap anymore,

Just needed a drink to feel okay, okay, again.



Again you’re on my mind like you’re in my life,

Stuck in my heart between anger and love,

Lost between the past and what was the present,

An ocean apart like the seams of my heart,

Pulled at the frayed prayers I once gave God,

God what have You done. . . ? I blamed You.



I blamed You but I made the choices I did,

Justified, rationalized, sweet white lies,

Honey on my lips laying in my coffin I died,

Me myself I focused always on I, I, I,

Self-centered but she was everything to me,

Why’d she hurt me when I just wanted help?



Take a step out of yourself and see it from her eyes,

You pushed her out it doesn’t have to matter why,

You used to be there for her, now all you do is say “hi”

Ask her how she’s doing but never be in her life,

You just criticized her choice in men,

Never asked if she had a choice,

Never asked if she wanted a choice,

You forced it down her throat all the **** time.



Empathy is your greatest gift but you removed her from it,

Couldn’t take the pain, I understand, but you didn’t walk in her shoes,

You loved her til you bled then didn’t touch her with a ten foot pole.



She needed you in her life,

She took me for granted,

I took her for granted,

I needed her in my life.



If I could have talked to you a week ago I would have told you how much I hated you for what you did.



I wish I could talk to you now, tell you how sorry I am that I let you down, tell you I forgive you, and let you know why I did what I did and ended up where I was at.



I’m sorry I hurt you, I have scars you gave me too. It was something we should have overcame together, we just hurt each other too much.

I don't believe in true love.
She said "you'll see one day..."
I've already seen enough.

Feel the heavy the sharp
life that twists and turns
battered and bitter loss
unholy rage unfettered
takes without a given
heralded forever alone
with walls weeping
deep wounds in my spine
how does one continue
when the final page
was three chapters ago?

Enjoy the
silence
settling around your
ears;
savor
the taste of air
while
the moment lasts.

I can no longer write;
My fingertips are lethargic, connected
to a paralyzed heart that wishes to no longer beat;
breathing is too painful to him.

I can no longer pray;
My faith is a stained mess, she has been
circumnavigated by every sin, plagued by depravity and apathy;
breathing is too painful to her.

I can no longer live;
My life is dead, outlined in chalk
Joy left me, love betrayed me, fate destroyed me;
breathing is too painful...

Turn the page,
Words of rage;
I'm on the wrong
side of broken,
and you put me here,
but I chose to stay.

I want to blame you,
Hate you, but I can't shame you;
There's something in the mirror,
it's slowly becoming clearer,
you're my highest low, my trigger.

I wish we'd never met,
You're my living hell;
torturing my heart now a shell,
harsh words from the man that
once loved you without fail.

You're a seven year wound,
I can't figure out how to forgive,
this bitterness is a wickedness
brought to the surface by wordless rage.
I hate you.

Yet I still love you,
at least the memory of you;
before you changed,
personality rearranged,
I loved you as you were.

The ones hardest to love
Are the ones that need it most;
you rejected mine and buried your own,
carried us to the gravestone,
are you alone tonight?

The love turned to ache,
when you chose to forsake
me to my demons within;
do you think of me still,
or am I just a speck of your past?

I loved you.
I hate you.
And I don't know how to let go.

Take my silence one step too far
Take my violence and tear me apart
Your words are the cure I need
Your love is where my heart will feed

Indiscriminate demons fill my head
They try to tie my to my bed

The flame in my heart
                              is a smoulder
The only blame falls
                            on my shoulders

Help me find my way out
My eyes show only doubt
Help me find my way out
My eyes show only doubt

I'm pushing back the battle lines
Trying to capture all the lost time
This is just a forlorn endeavor
Forever severed whenever I fall

Help me find my way out
My eyes show only doubt
Help me find my way out
My eyes show only doubt

The flame
is a smoulder
The blame
on my shoulders
I don't surrender
I don't surrender
I don't surrender
I DON'T SURRENDER

Help me find my way out
I don't surrender
My eyes show only doubt
I don't surrender
Help me find my way out
I don't surrender
My eyes show only doubt
*I don't surrender

Though words fail to be found there is a fire burning between my ribs. Fed up and tired of the way my life is coming undone, I rage and depress at the same time. I'm sick of friends who will claim to be there for me then turn around and blame me for being the way that I am. I don't need anyone's judgement because believe me, I give myself more than enough. I'm sick of the way everyone I fall in love with already has another man in their life which results in either me being a homewrecker (because nothing stays in the dark forever) or another burnt ******* bridge I light up. How many women have said  I deserve to be loved by someone special then they disappear on me? Five? Ten? Twenty? **** it. How about the practical joke that is my faith? I claim Jesus as my savoir and still I live in the darkness, refusing to step into the light because I'm scared shitless of being exposed. Yeah, I follow God while having X amount of affairs, a total *** addict. I post this rant and rave because I simply cannot control my emotions anymore. I don't trust myself. I don't trust anyone. I just want to die alone and be alone. I don't know what I am doing. I just want to let it out.

One day at a time
Rain, Sun, falling leaves, frost
They have come and gone
Like love when it resided in this heart
Before suffocating
Bludgeoned by those
Who needed it most
I once loved you
Like I once loved life
But with both
Only shards and embers remain
Lost in every teardrop
One day at a time

Bitterness burns,
inside.
It takes my breath away;
can I cry?
Do I have shelter,
or shall I succumb?

my eyes are open
and it hurts
every time I breathe
the air is a little broken
all my emotions
frozen
yet the pain remains
going through the motions
grasping with fingers
gasping for oxygen
a bitter corrosion
the rain comes
falling
I can't hold on
and refuse to
let go

I wrap my life in crimson sheets of paper
         so nobody will notice when the blood seeps through

I'm taking awkward clumsy steps
through life
with weary legs carrying me
up broken trails

I'm running from myself
can't face it
I've had a dozen "eureka" moments
but my life doesn't change

I'm the only one who can change me
that's why I stay the same
plodding through life half broken
with shards of a heart left broken

Probably just out of focus
with too much I
but I'm not changing
is it my destiny to *fail?

Five times I went through the revolving door to be spat out in the same room over and over.

Once I was in the flooded maze, seeking the ramp I could see in the distance to escape, but I saw faces amongst the plants in the water.

Once I was on cliff, sitting, whilst the darkness was congregated in the gorge below.

I can no longer explain the sword in my hands or the giants I am to soon face.

All I know is Death draws the curtains in my room whilst sharpening his teeth, and I no longer know the man in the mirror.

If you want love...
             ...you're going to have to
    ...go through the pain...

It's hard to say goodbye when you were taken from me;
I swore I was done writing about you when I accepted
                         that you were gone from my life like a feather.
Somehow I still remember how long it's been.

I've moved on, but there's still a sorrow I feel when I remember you;
I guess that's what happens when there's a scar left behind
                              from the wound that I could not prepare for.
Somehow I still remember how long it's been.

I've moved on but I haven't healed completely;
If I healed then I would be able to see your picture
       or read the words you wrote out in a time that was happy.
Somehow I still remember how long it's been...